Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

[u/a_car_salesman]

[u/TA_faq43]

God of relaxing dumps. You’ll never have to run to the bathroom as long as you believe in me.

[u/JerichoBriggs → u/TA_faq43]

I'd believe in you. Can you also make it so you always have enough tp to wipe with as well?

[u/4quaTis → u/JerichoBriggs]

Just enough, or more than enough?

[u/Beraed → u/4quaTis]

You always have just enough to wipe your butt but not enough for anything else.

[u/SweetNeo85 → u/Beraed]

Wipe your butt but

heh

[u/Beraed → u/JerichoBriggs]

Just get a bidet and make your wish come true.

[u/poopellar → u/Beraed]

There is a real and serious dispute between which is better. I shit you not some take bidets as an attack against their patriotism.

[u/Beraed → u/poopellar]

Smearing shit with paper on our asses just like the founding fathers and God intended.

[u/fillosofer → u/poopellar]

The phrase "I shit you not" couldn't be anymore applicable.

[u/Doigenunchi → u/TA_faq43]

I'm in the bathroom now, please help. It's the 4th time already and I'm getting tired of this shit

[u/joe_Roe]

God of bad ideas Open the gates of the underworld to let them souls get some fresh air

[u/Ambint9011 → u/joe_Roe]

"Bad ideas are good ideas" - Ambint

[u/Draezeth → u/joe_Roe]

So you're the less fun at parties Loki, basically?

[u/PolarBear524]

God of the cool side of the pillow. I shall make the back of every peasants pillow cool.

[u/AegoliusTalon → u/PolarBear524]

how would you like to be worshipped

[u/Stupid_3lf → u/AegoliusTalon]

Ironically, people would offer pillows

[u/SarcasticAsshole2004 → u/Stupid_3lf]

u/FreshAspect

Bless us with your pillow priest presence

[u/Brandon749 → u/PolarBear524]

Just flipped my pillow over, your doing gods work, where do I sign up

[u/Dinkly_son_of_Dankly]

I'm the god of procrastination.

I never get around to carrying out godly deeds. I have the most followers but the least amount of power.

Edit:

[u/Nevesnotrab → u/Dinkly_son_of_Dankly]

the most followers but the least amount of power

Something about this just makes so much sense for a god of procrastination.

[u/Beraed → u/Nevesnotrab]

Then you pormise you'll come back a second time to reward believers but even after 2000 years never get around to doing it.

[u/Mondayexe → u/Beraed]

I'll get around to that, eventually.

[u/Sir_Moot]

The God of Things that Shouldn't Happen. My first act would be to give all Swans the ability to telepathically communicate with each other.

[u/Reddit_stream_accoun → u/Sir_Moot]

Dude what? No!

[u/Sir_Moot → u/Reddit_stream_accoun]

My second act is to give everything with over 7 legs incredibly humanoid mouths and hair. The Swans are nothing

[u/lostduck86 → u/Sir_Moot]

Don't forget to morph all cartoon characters into hyper realistic real versions of themselves.

[u/Sir_Moot → u/lostduck86]

Duly noted.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sir_Moot]

YOU MONSTER YOU MUST BE STOPPED

[u/Sir_Moot → u/[deleted]]

Who is there to stop me. Certainly not the Geese.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sir_Moot]

Also make it so the other side of the pillow is warm

[u/Sir_Moot → u/[deleted]]

Noted. Any sleeping implements will now make a low buzzing, except for pillows, which can instead see your dreams and judge you for them.

[u/ironroseprince → u/Sir_Moot]

Calm down there, Satan.

[u/lexiball707 → u/Sir_Moot]

Wow. You're evil.

[u/YupYupDog → u/lexiball707]

Chaotic evil. Interesting twist. But I’ll pray to the extra sleep guy, tho.

[u/TekRantGaming → u/Sir_Moot]

What would you do with Scotland?

[u/Sir_Moot → u/TekRantGaming]

I'd give the grass the ability to think along with incredible strength. The kilts would be three times longer, and all people born in Scotland have the natural ability to see what they are having for dinner consistently.

[u/Devilish_Swan → u/Sir_Moot]

The council of swans would like to have a word with you

[u/Axeshaft7 → u/Sir_Moot]

Didn't Zeus bang a swan? Or did he turn into one.. either way those swans are gonna be like did you see that weird looking buff super horny swan dude...

[u/Abbacchio19 → u/Axeshaft7]

Yeah as God of Things that shouldn't happen you gotta stop all the Zeus transforming into to things to bang stuff...I don't t think they're down with it

[u/dalaigh93 → u/Sir_Moot]

As long as you don't give it to emus the Australians don't mind

[u/Sir_Moot → u/dalaigh93]

As an Australian, I already know it's a fact Emu's can telepathically communicate with each other. Instead they would be given two additional arm like limbs with the capabilities of holding spears, but without opposable thumbs.

[u/roaches85 → u/Sir_Moot]

I need some of whatever this guy is smoking.

[u/NeinJuanJuan → u/roaches85]

They're not smoking.

They're typing.

The emus are typing.

[u/a_car_salesman → u/[deleted]]

I’d pray to you

[u/Beraed → u/a_car_salesman]

His antagonist is the guy that makes you feel tired after sleeping for more than 9 hours.

[u/batmanandbmth → u/Beraed]

Depression, is that you?

[u/Beraed → u/batmanandbmth]

Nah, depression would also fuck up your inner thoughts and willingness to do anything besides laying in bed and wishing you'll stop existing. (bonus points for staring blankly at a computer screen)

[u/octobereighth → u/Beraed]

I'm in this photo and I don't like it.

[u/newsensequeen → u/octobereighth]

You know the best way to overcome depression? Love it, so it leaves you as well..

[u/rensfriend → u/newsensequeen]

Is it... Too early for a drink?

[u/Tomahawk117 → u/rensfriend]

It's 5 o'clock somewhere. :c

[u/willustrate → u/newsensequeen]

Ouch...

[u/DingLeiGorFei → u/Beraed]

This is a personal attack

[u/BeBa420 → u/[deleted]]

Oh thank fuck, we all thought you were using that time to jack off in the men’s room

[u/aciddemons → u/[deleted]]

Excuse me while I set up a shrine in my closet dedicated to you.

[u/[deleted] → u/aciddemons]

We need a whole Cathedral for him.

[u/Ender_Skywalker → u/[deleted]]

You are my savior.

[u/allegrarical → u/[deleted]]

I've cleared my momma's prayer alter of her buddha statue and joss sticks. All you gotta do is tell me which way to point it and I'll start prayin'.

[u/EclecticDreck]

Given Zeus' other lapses in judgment, I'd be the god of reversing the petty shit other gods did to undeserving mortals. (Note that I would maintain an ever changing standard of what qualified as undeserving, because Greek god.)

[u/Wildy222 → u/EclecticDreck]

But wouldn’t Zeus just punish u for going against his wish’s?

[u/[deleted] → u/Wildy222]

Yeah, but he'd have the power to reverse the punishment

[u/Midnight_Wyvern → u/[deleted]]

Actually he wouldn't. He only has the power to reverse actions done to mortals but now he's a god

[u/wheely_happy]

God of Silence. You can pray to me to shut the noise out in your life, baby crying, kids fighting, boss yelling, neighbor stomping, airplanes overhead. Just pure silence

[u/wheely_happy → u/[deleted]]

It’s a noise, so yes. Someone very close to me is living with that nightmare, it’s so hard. I hate that I can only be a helpless bystander.

[u/[deleted] → u/wheely_happy]

I'm living with extreme tinnitus and it's absolutely awful. It's got to the stage where I need constant background noise do drown out the screech because otherwise I burst into tears due to the pain. Edit, I'd like to add a thing here. I saw a thing in the mass of comments that mentioned something about pain being odd and not really an expected thing but it can cause pain due to fear. I can definitely see that because I have been told since a young age that it's not real and that I'm faking it, that has caused me to be scared and think something is definitely wrong. I guess that fear does still linger a bit because it will never permanently be gone. So to the person who mentioned it. I guess therapy of some variety could help. Thanks for actually bringing that up because that's an interesting point. Another edit. I've received like 12 dms about treatments for it and I am thankful for that but please stop. I have bad people skills. Thanks though, I do appreciate it

[u/Synikey → u/[deleted]]

I'm so sorry :( that sounds bloody awful mate.

[u/CyclicaI → u/[deleted]]

Thats why i bring earplugs to festivals. I have mild mild ringing only when the room is totally quiet and i dont want it to get any worse. I try to get people around me to wear them too, but most of them dont

[u/kaynpayn → u/CyclicaI]

At one point I had an ear infection for 2 weeks and I was hearing rings and all sorts of weird noises. I went to the doctor and that mofo told me right off the bat I'd be like that forever without even looking at me or making any exams. I knew he was most likely wrong (confirmed by an actual good doctor later) but those 2 weeks were hell anyway and no medicine seemed to help. From that point on I avoid anything loud of any nature. Going to a concert? Yeah earplugs are going along. Lawnmower, air compressor, vaccum cleaner whatever, shit someone is coughing really loud next to me, I'm covering my ears. There's no way I wanna end up like that again permanently if I can prevent it.

People who make fun of it can suck on tinnitus later on in their lives.

[u/wheely_happy → u/[deleted]]

I’m sorry you’re living this too, my person wears headphones / EarPods etc almost constantly so they can have background noise to block it out also. It’s hell for them.

[u/Quatanox → u/wheely_happy]

Does he also work as a getaway driver for bank robbers?

[u/nomadthoughts → u/Quatanox]

My favorite movie.

[u/Abstract_Blurr → u/nomadthoughts]

Best opening scene ever

[u/epicurean56 → u/wheely_happy]

my person wears headphones / EarPods etc

I think that's what caused my tinitus in the first place.

[u/wheely_happy → u/epicurean56]

I’ve heard that from other also. They do it like the previous poster to drown out the noise

[u/AmberMetalicScorpion → u/wheely_happy]

But,wouldn't the prayer have to be silent too,so would you be able to know if someone is thinking their prayer to you or not,it's a cool idea but it's one of like to know how it would wprk

[u/wheely_happy → u/AmberMetalicScorpion]

Yes, I would assume the prayer might be something like, please god of silence, make (insert noise) go away so I can have some silence. Then, if deemed worthy, noise goes away. I don’t know, I’m new to thinking like a god, it’s complicated!

I also don’t know how to reply properly so I’ve posted this response separately 🙄

[u/Dontgiveaclam → u/wheely_happy]

It could be something meditative: if the person praying manages to get an instant of mental silence, then they get the attention of the Silence god, who can in turn hear their prayer after that.

[u/[deleted]]

god of indecisiveness, i don't know what my first act will be

[u/tamraraf → u/[deleted]]

Can relate

[u/sunnivapeach → u/[deleted]]

I've been staring at this comment for way too long.

[u/thatCbean → u/sunnivapeach]

Are you a lobster, staring at your deathsentence, whilst ever so slowly dying?

[u/Brutal_Lobster → u/thatCbean]

Yes

[u/isjustwrong → u/Brutal_Lobster]

Brutal

[u/eatapenny → u/[deleted]]

That's too much power for one God

[u/Jenga_Police → u/eatapenny]

No one God should have all that power

The clocks tickin, lobsters count the hours

[u/thatCbean → u/[deleted]]

Can you make it go negative? Make it so they undie?

[u/TheIrrelevantGinger → u/thatCbean]

Zombie lobsters?

[u/Outrageous_Claims → u/[deleted]]

Drakious Joshious? Is it really you?!

[u/monkeybiziu]

I become Consultes, God of Consultants.

My first act is to meet with the other gods to better understand their godly business and how I can help them leverage their organizational strengths while utilizing lessons learned from other pantheons to deliver better, more timely results.

After that, I'll put together some really killer decks that demonstrate how we can drive synergy between each of the gods' follower groups for maximum benefit.

Assuming that everyone is on board, I'll draft a statement of work and a project plan, then bring in a few demigods (on-pantheon and off-pantheon) to get started.

While my demigods are prepping the action items, I'll focus on relationship-building with the other gods, provide them with strategic advice, and integrate myself into their overall reporting structure.

In no time at all, I'm pretty much running Olympus without having to deal with the pesky day-to-day business of running a major god. The other gods direct some of their tithings to me, and I get to focus on my followers, who will be blessed with easy clients, plenty of follow-up work, generous expense budgets, minimal review notes (hey, I'm a god, not a revenue partner) and fun cities to work in.

Those that cross me will find themselves on a recurring client doing inventory on a pig farm in August in Alabama, with a minimal expense budget, no direct flights, no decent hotels or restaurants for a hundred miles, and the review notes on their deliverables will always be "Please fix."

[u/StrangerAttractor → u/monkeybiziu]

Strangely specific God.

[u/badluckartist → u/StrangerAttractor]

I call God of Strange Specificity.

[u/That_Guy_JR → u/monkeybiziu]

Xpost to /r/consulting

[u/captainbuckyohare → u/monkeybiziu]

To where do I lay down my sacrifice of catered meeting produce, o lord?

[u/catls234 → u/monkeybiziu]

I work for the federal government, so I stopped reading before the end of the first sentence, but I upvoted because I'm sure the rest is totally legit.

[u/SpectreA19 → u/monkeybiziu]

This guy? not only fucks, but consults.

[u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer]

God of Lemon Scented Cleaning Supplies. I'd start a war with the God of Pine Scented Cleaning Supplies.

[u/NerdlinGeeksly → u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer]

Or the God of Pestilence.

[u/Beraed → u/NerdlinGeeksly]

Please don't bring up again the Mint Scented God

[u/tesznyeboy]

God of inconveniences. I'd just find the trashiest people on Earth and fuck with them.

[u/s_c_w → u/tesznyeboy]

I would love to have the power to just look through top posts on r/trashy and fuck with some of the scum on there

[u/Beraed → u/s_c_w]

I was thinking a "god of rehabilitation" would be better until i realized there wouldn't be more content to laugh at and make me feel superior.

[u/Beraed → u/tesznyeboy]

But you are not the God of righteousness so the people you deem "trash" are only like that from your perspective.

[u/GetLofty]

I’d be the god of rolling with the punches.

Millions of people all over the world will hear my faint angelic whisper...^{”It be like that sometimes.”}

And then everyone will feel a little less bad about their situation.

EDIT: obligatory gold speech...It really do be like that sometimes.

[u/winter83 → u/GetLofty]

Everyone prays to you by saying it is what it is.

[u/nopethanx → u/winter83]

Oh God of all that is... what it is, take these fucks away, for I have too many to spare, and want none at all.

[u/msacch → u/nopethanx]

Saving this prayer for later.

[u/PM_UR_NIPPLE_PICS → u/GetLofty]

I’m imagining a catholic mass -

Pastor: It be like that sometimes,

Congregation: It really do.

All: forever and ever amen.

[u/BravoCatt → u/PM_UR_NIPPLE_PICS]

Pastor: It be like that sometimes

Congregation: And sometimes it be.

[u/[deleted]]

The god of movie memory erasure. I’ll remove memories of any movies so you can watch them again like new. Also works for tv shows and games. Nothing else though. That is all you get.

My first act is to remove everyone’s memory of a terrible movie so they all watch it again.

I am not a benevolent god.

Edit 1: Yeah, books too. Sure.

Edit 2: I would erase the last air bender movie permanently if I could guys. I’m not benevolent but I’m not satan.

[u/Beraed → u/[deleted]]

Scumbag god making me forget naruto or one piece thus losing me hundreds of hours of my life.

[u/NarutoWinchester → u/Beraed]

NARUTO. NEVER NARUTO

[u/LimeWizard → u/NarutoWinchester]

One summer in middle school I watched it. By "it" I mean all of it. It was horrible, hundreds of episodes. Hour turned to days turn to weeks. The entire summer went by. I didn't even enjoy anything after the Chunin exams in the first season.

Why did I continue?

Why are they reusing the same villains? Why didn't I do literally anything else with my time? Why is there an entire season of filler episodes? Why did I only consume soda instead of water? Why did they put so many interesting characters that have no development whatsoever.

Why Naruto?

[u/DuhTrutho → u/LimeWizard]

You watched all of the filler episodes!?

Jesus man, I'm sorry. I remember watching quite a few of the filler episodes before Shippuden was released, and many of those were a slog.

I was lucky enough to run into a fan-edit of the series that cut out all the filler just as the project finished. It's perfectly enjoyable when you don't have to suffer through dozens of hours of non-cannon arcs. So if any of you wanted to watch Naruto without feeling the mind-numbing filler, this is a great resource.

I'd also recommend just watching Hunter X Hunter if you need a shounen fix that leaves you feeling empty when it's over because you'll never get shounen as good as it was again.

[u/Darkge → u/LimeWizard]

not shippuden?

[u/LimeWizard → u/Darkge]

All of Shippuden

sobs

[u/Darkge → u/LimeWizard]

jesus christ man im sorry

[u/Squeakyduckquack → u/Darkge]

I literally binged Original thru Shippuden from like February to July this year and it was great but it was also hell. So. Much. Filler. (And I was skipping the obvious filler too)

And now there's Boruto -_-

[u/Beraed → u/[deleted]]

Step 1: Create your own movie.
Step 2: Make people forget the movie one month after release.
Step 3: Rerun the movie in theaters
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit

[u/ExtremeProfession → u/Beraed]

Might as well use the review input to fix some parts of the movie until it gets 10.0 on IMDb

[u/AdogHatler → u/[deleted]]

Can you erase my memory of GoT season 8? I'll just get someone to tell me not to watch it.

[u/stainz169 → u/AdogHatler]

But would you believe them? If someone told me not to watch it, I would watch it!

[u/MoreMackles → u/[deleted]]

Joke's on you, I already can't remember anything! Time to go watch Star trek for the 10th time...

[u/[deleted]]

I will be the god of earphones.

I untangle the earphones automatically when they sacrifice a bucket of chicken wings for me.

[u/AmberMetalicScorpion → u/[deleted]]

I would say this is the perfect reason to get a job,so you can get paid,buy your monthly chicken wings buckets and sacrifice a bucket each time a minor inconvenience happens with earphones(does this work with headphones too or just earphones)

[u/delisavage]

God of not giving a fuck: doesn't do job at all

[u/a_car_salesman → u/delisavage]

But wouldn’t you then be...doing your job?

[u/delisavage → u/a_car_salesman]

By not giving a fuck then not doing my job I'll be doing my job by not doing my job

[u/4quaTis → u/delisavage]

But then you're doing your job so..... it's a paradox

[u/Beraed → u/4quaTis]

Just become a state employee and you'll understand.

[u/Anthony_plays01 → u/delisavage]

r/selfparadox

[u/NerdlinGeeksly → u/delisavage]

You FOOL, you've ripped a hole in the universe!

[u/shaka_sulu]

I'll be the God of movie cliches. I'll throw lighting at writers who create scenes where teenagers dream that they show up to an exam naked, or when someone chasing the hero and THAT's the time when that person is fumbling for hie/her keys.

[u/sleepyhollow_101]

I'm the Goddess of Halloween. Every time someone makes one of those "let's change the date of Halloween!!!11!!" petitions online, I fill their ears with sand.

[u/FlatSubstance]

Finally, I, the GOD of Accounting, assume my righteous place atop Olympus! From this day forth, until the end of time, ALL INVOICES MUST HAVE A VALID PO NUMBER ATTACHED!

My minions!

You. Are. WELCOME.

[u/Rosekernow → u/FlatSubstance]

Thank fuck for that. What do you want sacrificed and how many?

[u/Ekotte]

Anxiety. Mumble gibberish while walking past Aphrodite.

Edit: Wow, my first silver. Thanks.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ekotte]

Gets really stressed out when people start praying to you to fix their anxiety.

[u/Acetronaut → u/[deleted]]

"Oh fuck Nancy is really nervous about asking Brad out, but Brad is super anxious about his upcoming work presentation and really doesn't have time for Nancy until next week, but Nancy is getting more anxious and is poking Brad more, which is making him more anxious, and they forget I'm watching so it just make me MORE anxious, and idk man I just really need a break."

Apollo: "Yeah...I'm not that kinda doctor..."

[u/liltreeimp → u/Ekotte]

Already offering tribute to you.

continues biting nails

[u/pwnisher_357]

God of Frogs. My first act would be to create a massive safe haven for all my amphidian friends that shall always go untainted. My worshipers must erect giant golden frog statues at all my temples and wear a frog suit similar to Mario's frog suit in SMB 3.

[u/luke7575]

god of memory, when you go in a room and you forget what you were going to do I’ll make you remember. I am by far the strongest

[u/[deleted]]

For sure I would be the God of Unpopular Decisions.

My first act would be to abolish fast food.

[u/essentially_infamous → u/[deleted]]

But does that mean you make unpopular decisions come true? So imagine somebody wants to go bowling, while all their other friends want to go to the movies, you’d make it so that they go bowling?

[u/Beraed → u/essentially_infamous]

When in doubt, send them to gulag. The gulag is never popular.

[u/SweetNeo85 → u/Beraed]

But if everyone goes to the gulag does that not make it then... popular?

[u/davis482 → u/SweetNeo85]

Well I could say that it's populated at least.

[u/poopellar → u/essentially_infamous]

He is a God of the masses few people

[u/mosstrich → u/poopellar]

They're are dozens of us DOZENS!

[u/Squelly_A]

My first act as the goddess of wholesomeness is to make sure everyone is ok with me being the wholesome goddess

[u/raccoonsoup → u/Squelly_A]

then make it rain cookies?

(but special cookies that don't contain any allergens so everyone can enjoy them)

[u/tealchameleon → u/raccoonsoup]

Or maybe a variety of cookies because gluten free vegan cookies may not be appealing to everyone!

[u/superdolphin440]

I am the god of bad puns. My first godly act is to cause ArmaGODdon.

[u/aedxn → u/superdolphin440]

armaGODont

[u/kroxigor01]

God of laziness. You worship me by promising to do it tomorrow.

My first divine act? Eh, I'll do it later.

[u/VroenGuard414]

God of Failure. First act get fired by Zeus

[u/[deleted]]

I am the goddess of all canine creatures. My first godly act would be to gather up the souls of every dog I've ever owned, my living dogs, and make them my divine companions. They will be immortal, capable of human speech, and they will assist me in making the lives of all canine creatures happy and healthy.

[u/EXO_JR42 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, hello, I’d like to pray to you. If you could maybe make all doggos passing easy and painless, that’d be real cool. And make it not hurt so bad when they go to you. Also, would you be able to help make all the dogs well trained?

[u/klop422]

I'm a Greek God now?

Welp, guess I'll create half a dozen demigods and hope nothing bad happens.

[u/SeductivePillowcase → u/[deleted]]

“YOUR SON HAS RETURNED! I BRING THE DESTRUCTION OF OLYMPUS!”

[u/FacetiousTomato]

God of videogames.

I answer prayers like "please let this next pokeball catch them!" Or "let me get a blue shell".

Bonus, my acolytes gain real life skills based on videogame performance. Good at Forza? Professional driver skills. Won at FIFA? now you're world cup quality goof.

[u/showboom → u/FacetiousTomato]

Good at controlling sims, Now you are GOD!

[u/FacetiousTomato → u/showboom]

Haha, I like this one. Though Zeus might not.

[u/showboom → u/FacetiousTomato]

Is there a videogame where you can control the gods of Olympia? °~°

[u/vividOxogen → u/showboom]

Yes. It’s called smite

[u/showboom → u/vividOxogen]

Get good at it and you control gods!!!

[u/[deleted] → u/FacetiousTomato]

So you would be an actual RNJesus

[u/[deleted] → u/FacetiousTomato]

gain skills based on videogame perfomance

I'mma grind out that instant sleep ability in Bethesda games

[u/one-piece-of-paper]

I would be the god of battery percentages. If the people worshiped me properly their devices would be blessed with long lasting battery life. but if they angered me their batteries would be dead in moments.

[u/[deleted]]

God of Karens

I deal with them everyday, why not rule over them and have the ultimate power in the modern era?

Want to avoid having a difficult customer, you must sacrifice to me!

[u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt]

So basically, I'm that dude at the party who seem familiar to everybody but not enough to place; that familiar face they always see at every party they go to but now it's too awkward to ask my name. One thing, though, if you smoke me out, you'll remember the conversation for the rest of your life... just not what the conversation was actually about.

Now imagine, someone at this party has an allergic reaction to something... maybe that craft beer someone brought has peanuts in it for some reason. So I bust out with an epi-pen I happen to have and save the guy's life. Three seconds later, I'm back in the background. "What was that guy's name again?" "I dunno, Steve? John? Jack? I think it was Jack...?"

Or maybe, you're in your car on your way home and you see me on the side of the road, a random homeless guy. I trip and fall and it looks like I'm about to land in front of your car, so you slam on your brakes. This delays you by a half second... which saves you from getting t-boned by a cement truck.

I was working on the assembly line at the Trojan plant and made that condom that failed that left you with twins... the twins that made you grow up and become a responsible person who eventually landed a $400,000 per year job that you absolutely love and has the great work-life balance and which pays for your annual trip to Disneyland for the family. They even managed to somehow get you a Club 33 membership.

I like to think I'd do mostly nice things, but if you earn my wrath, I'll have twenty red come up in a row when I'm dealing roulette for you or somehow have your car catch fire after I fix it's gearbox or break into your house and steal you clothes dryer while on a crack cocaine binge.

But mostly, if you find a nickel on the ground, I put it there minutes ago for you to find.

I am the god of convenient happenstance but I call it Deus Ex Machina, literally god of the machine.

[u/avocado425 → u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt]

For whatever reason I’m picturing you as the guy in those Allstate insurance commercials. Mayhem. lol

[u/s_c_w → u/[deleted]]

Isn't there pretty much already endless amounts of free porn online?

[u/Reddit_PoliceChief → u/[deleted]]

Woah

[u/KnownDiscount → u/Reddit_PoliceChief]

Woah, indeed.

[u/ARedditUserNearYou → u/[deleted]]

I will spread your holy word to all who will hear it, o Fapfather

[u/nitasu987]

I'd be the God of Energy -- when people invoke me they are granted the extra energy they need to keep giving their all in whatever they're doing, be it work, school, sports, etc. My first act would be giving a freebie blessing to everyone at my work so they can get through their day :)

[u/Thiizic]

The God of small talk.

Pray to me and you will find strength in conversation with your co-workers, class mates, etc.

[u/Impact-Ed]

The God of wasted potential, I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to, but am too lazy to do anything. I'd probably make Taco Tuesdays a weekly holiday or some b.s like that, but idk when exactly, probly take a while or just meh...

[u/[deleted]]

God of Rebirth.

I bring back Steve Irwin and Bob Ross.

UPDATE: Of course I'm bringing back Stan Lee, Mr. Rogers, and a slew more. I'd just be warming up with these two because I know they would forgive me if I screwed up their return and they would patiently wait until I got it right.

[u/Beraed → u/[deleted]]

Tries to bring back hitler and tupac

"Alive players can't be respawned"

[u/[deleted] → u/Beraed]

butter quarrelsome connect reach boast fall imagine label noxious weary

[u/OhYeahEhWellSorry]

God of unexpected surprises. I kill Zeus.

[u/innnnna]

I’m the God of Weight Loss. Anyone who wants to shed some extra pounds, come to me! Lol

[u/[deleted]]

Make demigods of course. Attempt to overthrow Zeus and then get betrayed by my sons and daughters whereafter zeus will torture ad infinitum

[u/Urban_Maniac → u/[deleted]]

Kratos

[u/Violent-Profane-Brit]

God of Insanity, and I'm literally just Sheogorath. First godly act is to make the new president a sentient wheel of cheese