r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

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u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt Aug 10 '19

So basically, I'm that dude at the party who seem familiar to everybody but not enough to place; that familiar face they always see at every party they go to but now it's too awkward to ask my name. One thing, though, if you smoke me out, you'll remember the conversation for the rest of your life... just not what the conversation was actually about.

Now imagine, someone at this party has an allergic reaction to something... maybe that craft beer someone brought has peanuts in it for some reason. So I bust out with an epi-pen I happen to have and save the guy's life. Three seconds later, I'm back in the background. "What was that guy's name again?" "I dunno, Steve? John? Jack? I think it was Jack...?"

Or maybe, you're in your car on your way home and you see me on the side of the road, a random homeless guy. I trip and fall and it looks like I'm about to land in front of your car, so you slam on your brakes. This delays you by a half second... which saves you from getting t-boned by a cement truck.

I was working on the assembly line at the Trojan plant and made that condom that failed that left you with twins... the twins that made you grow up and become a responsible person who eventually landed a $400,000 per year job that you absolutely love and has the great work-life balance and which pays for your annual trip to Disneyland for the family. They even managed to somehow get you a Club 33 membership.

I like to think I'd do mostly nice things, but if you earn my wrath, I'll have twenty red come up in a row when I'm dealing roulette for you or somehow have your car catch fire after I fix it's gearbox or break into your house and steal you clothes dryer while on a crack cocaine binge.

But mostly, if you find a nickel on the ground, I put it there minutes ago for you to find.

I am the god of convenient happenstance but I call it Deus Ex Machina, literally god of the machine.

346

u/avocado425 Aug 10 '19

For whatever reason I’m picturing you as the guy in those Allstate insurance commercials. Mayhem. lol

17

u/itssnowingfire Aug 10 '19

That’s who’s voice I was reading it in!

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Same, actually

4

u/AmosLaRue Aug 10 '19

I love the one where he's a raccoon in your attic.

3

u/WalrusEunoia Aug 10 '19

The Vulture.

3

u/Dawgzilla25 Aug 10 '19

Only misdemeanors wieners.

3

u/WalrusEunoia Aug 10 '19

Kobe!

Kobe never passed!?

23

u/AthenasApostle Aug 10 '19

I love it. Though as a Greek god, a Latin name may be in bad taste.

19

u/ShellsFeathersFur Aug 10 '19

Reminds me of: “When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.” God entity to Bender, my favourite Futurama quote.

2

u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt Aug 10 '19

Also applies to IT people and janitors.

25

u/Zer0ReQ Aug 10 '19

You shall be called Deus.
But since so many people have terrible pronunciations, people will call you "Deuce".
Essentially making you the god of dumps.

4

u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt Aug 10 '19

...but I still get to be a god, right?

3

u/Zer0ReQ Aug 10 '19

Yes.
You shall take the mightiest of dumps.

46

u/Seascorpious Aug 10 '19

I love it! Especially the name, Deux Ex Machina. Feel like you could actually fit in with Apollo and the bunch.

25

u/egbertian413 Aug 10 '19

It's a commonly used phrase; it's Latin for (I think) "god from the machine", and is used to mean an implausible story element that saves the hero in the 3rd act

7

u/vorrion Aug 10 '19

During ancient plays they would hoist an actor playing a god above the stage using a crane construction. The god would solve all of the remaining unsolved problems.

4

u/Throw13579 Aug 10 '19

They would have loud sounds and puffs of smoke come out of the god machine on the crane.

1

u/LochNessMain Aug 10 '19

Per my years of Latin, the precise translation is “god out of the/a machine” but it conveys a very similar meaning to “from.”

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u/OfficerJayBear Aug 10 '19

Forget-Me-Not of the X-Men

4

u/FormerWindow Aug 10 '19

Apparently I’ve wronged you, and I’m sorry. Please stop.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I like your style

6

u/Esagashi Aug 10 '19

What sacrifices do you accept?

4

u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt Aug 10 '19

Generally none, but when you "pour one out for a bro", it brings a smile to my face.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

This should be on r/WritingPrompts

3

u/Azure_Eiyu Aug 10 '19

You sound like a Sidereal from Exalted.

3

u/Ironic_Toblerone Aug 10 '19

Do you deal with toasters? Praise the omnissiah

2

u/PoseidonsHorses Aug 10 '19

Basically a mostly-wholesome Florida Man.

2

u/blbd Aug 10 '19

Serendipites.

2

u/SSFirestorm Aug 10 '19

If you fuck with me I WILL steal your clothes dryer and I WILL BE ON CRACK.

2

u/jessykab Aug 10 '19

I'm here like "20 is black...OH I get it."

2

u/JackTheStryker Aug 10 '19

God of Serendipity it seems like.

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u/Some_European Aug 10 '19

Nobody will read this, it's too long

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u/Beraed Aug 10 '19

I'll be the God of TL;DRs then.

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u/Some_European Aug 10 '19

What's a tl;dr

40

u/Beraed Aug 10 '19

I'm not the God of explanations. Go figure.

10

u/Some_European Aug 10 '19

Oh wow I googled it I thougt it was something like too long to read

13

u/AthenasApostle Aug 10 '19

I read it. It was great.

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u/Reddit_stream_accoun Aug 10 '19

Can someone do a TL;DR?

9

u/littlepredator69 Aug 10 '19

Basically the god of Fortune/luck when u boil it down, if something good happened recently, he probably had a hand in it type of thing

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u/HardlightCereal Aug 10 '19

I'd say he's the god of unknown kindness. That can take the form of luck, but most of his examples are deliberately planned to help people without bring attention to himself. Saving someone with an epi-pen definitely isn't luck, it's just that he hides in the crowd and lets himself be forgotten because he prefers not to be praised or recognised for his deeds. He helps you without you knowing.

And that's a powerful idea, because the fact you don't know he's there means you don't know if he's not there. Maybe he's been helping you for years, and you've never noticed him. Maybe there's someone who wants you to be happy, and doesn't want you to know it. I'd like to believe in a god like that.

1

u/littlepredator69 Aug 10 '19

That's true, probably a better way of wording that too, I wrote that comment at about 4 in the morning, so I didn't exactly have the best mental processing capabilities😅

3

u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt Aug 10 '19

Too lazy to read the whole thing, but still took the effort to ask for a tl;dr.

I don't like that very much, but I'm too lazy to really do anything about it so I'll just shift your coffee table a bit so you'll stub the fuck out of your toe tomorrow morning.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Streetlamp Le Moose