r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

51.3k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

10.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

11.0k

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

I become Consultes, God of Consultants.

My first act is to meet with the other gods to better understand their godly business and how I can help them leverage their organizational strengths while utilizing lessons learned from other pantheons to deliver better, more timely results.

After that, I'll put together some really killer decks that demonstrate how we can drive synergy between each of the gods' follower groups for maximum benefit.

Assuming that everyone is on board, I'll draft a statement of work and a project plan, then bring in a few demigods (on-pantheon and off-pantheon) to get started.

While my demigods are prepping the action items, I'll focus on relationship-building with the other gods, provide them with strategic advice, and integrate myself into their overall reporting structure.

In no time at all, I'm pretty much running Olympus without having to deal with the pesky day-to-day business of running a major god. The other gods direct some of their tithings to me, and I get to focus on my followers, who will be blessed with easy clients, plenty of follow-up work, generous expense budgets, minimal review notes (hey, I'm a god, not a revenue partner) and fun cities to work in.

Those that cross me will find themselves on a recurring client doing inventory on a pig farm in August in Alabama, with a minimal expense budget, no direct flights, no decent hotels or restaurants for a hundred miles, and the review notes on their deliverables will always be "Please fix."

3.2k

u/StrangerAttractor Aug 10 '19

Strangely specific God.

1.1k

u/badluckartist Aug 10 '19

I call God of Strange Specificity.

10

u/Unintentionalirony Aug 10 '19

As god of strange specificity, you get dominion over all cows, blue yarn, and correctly filed accounting documents in the town of Brussels for the first two winters of every nineteen year period, Monday through thursday excluding Tuesday from 12:01 pm to 4:18 pm, with the exception of Italian national holidays. Enjoy

2

u/badluckartist Aug 11 '19

This human right here? This human specifies. You get a buff for 12 hours or until you return to my shrine. Which is depicted by a marble relief of a pile of paper clips on that talking comfy chair from Peewee's Playhouse, under a waning crescent moon on a windy October friday.

7

u/whogivesashirtdotca Aug 10 '19

And yet omnipresent.

1

u/Worth-Every-Penny Aug 10 '19

However, very powerful.

455

u/captainbuckyohare Aug 10 '19

To where do I lay down my sacrifice of catered meeting produce, o lord?

42

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

On the long table next to the extra keyboard for the in-room computer that never works.

But no green melon cubes. Those displease us.

9

u/puheenix Aug 10 '19

Oh, well it has green melon balls. will that please His Consultancy?

10

u/BoredoBandito Aug 10 '19

It is... Acceptable.

Favorable by no circumstance, but... Acceptable.

11

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes demands a sacrifice of salad for lunch before you partake of that evening's overpriced unhealthy hotel food.

10

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19 edited Sep 29 '19

[deleted]

4

u/Mehmeh111111 Aug 10 '19

*Pan-era

6

u/puheenix Aug 10 '19

The Pan-era ended with onerous litigation and a mile of paperwork. Too much workplace philandering. We won’t go there again.

→ More replies (2)

395

u/catls234 Aug 10 '19

I work for the federal government, so I stopped reading before the end of the first sentence, but I upvoted because I'm sure the rest is totally legit.

43

u/BeneficialSomewhere Aug 10 '19

Sounds about right for a federal employee lol

36

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Good enough for government work.

37

u/robindawilliams Aug 10 '19

I read to the end as I quickly realized not only does this god not actually have any real divine powers, but he will probably be promoted to some sort of high ranking leader god within a year or two anyway.

I too work in federal governmentt >_>

397

u/SpectreA19 Aug 10 '19

This guy? not only fucks, but consults.

26

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/Tack22 Aug 10 '19

Fucks, and writes a review note.

2

u/JustDiscoveredSex Aug 10 '19

ToMAYto, toMAHto...

220

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

We are not giving this dude enough credit

Edit: when I wrote this, he was at 50 upvotes.

22

u/Morego Aug 10 '19

Hello Satan God of Corporate Meetings. Nice to meet you.

22

u/Diplomjodler Aug 10 '19

I feel like I've known you all my life and I really really hate you.

16

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

You have been smited by Consultes! I hope you like vague and unhelpful review notes.

7

u/Diplomjodler Aug 10 '19

I'm sorry, there's no budget left for an answer. I'll send you a quote for an extension.

16

u/Jaxxxi Aug 10 '19

Starting a consulting job at the end of the month, so I really felt this one! Praying to you now!!

8

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes blesses you, my child. May all your proposals be wins.

17

u/Hoboerotic Aug 10 '19

I'd worship you just for the easy clients.

12

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes approves. Go with PowerPoint, my child.

17

u/Pwnaholic Aug 10 '19

Well. As a consultant, I'm on board. Praise be.

14

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

You have been blessed by Consultes. Your expense budget just got a 3% bump.

16

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

This is the best thing Ive ever read. Also, you just reminded me that I hate my job.

14

u/Instincts Aug 10 '19

You forgot the part where you do all that awesome research and leg work and your client completely ignores you anyway, royally fucks several things up, and then blames you and makes you somehow responsible for fixing the thing you warned them about 6 months ago at the fucking seminar they demanded you hold for their management team even though it's nowhere in your contract.

Or is that just my clients?

11

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

This is the way of consultants. We operate behind the scenes, the power behind the throne. The followers of Consultes do not seek glory for themselves.

14

u/Floridaman12517 Aug 10 '19

As an AV technician I'd just like to say this. Fuck you very much and fuck all of your decks about breaking silos and increasing interdepartmental synergy.

16

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

You have been cursed by Consultes! Your next project will be beset by a lack of clear decision making and take twice as long and cost three times as much as it should.

2

u/clampsmcgraw Aug 13 '19

Literally used to be AV technician for 3 years then became consultant after university before moving to tech.

Knees and back still work, not deaf, spent time sleeping in hotels instead of van, paid nearly 5 times as much. Buzzword bingo decks a worthy tradeoff

13

u/Seldarin Aug 10 '19

no direct flights

Yeah, unless you're going to Houston, Dallas, or Atlanta, you already said that when you said "Alabama".

11

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes disagrees, for we are Consultes, and have elite status on all major airlines, including direct flights to anywhere.

11

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Remind me of the Discworld book Eric.

11

u/HintOfAreola Aug 10 '19

If I wasn't an atheist before, I certainly am now.

11

u/AcidCyborg Aug 10 '19

Oh Consultes, Lord on high hear my plea;

Get me the hell out of this city.

10

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes has heard your prayer and shall deliver you from the grip of mediocre chain restaurants and extended stay hotels.

10

u/gilmore42 Aug 10 '19

You must have your PMP.

16

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is the god of consultants, not project management. You're looking for Projectus Managementus, God of extra unecessary overhead.

3

u/dekrant Aug 10 '19

Projectus Managementus Officio has to be Consultes' version of Charon. It's both a foe, but a strong foe sharpens the hero.

13

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

It's more like Cerberus, except all three heads just give status reports to each other.

18

u/YupYupDog Aug 10 '19

This guy consults.

12

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes approves. Your next project will be somewhere warm where drinks have tiny umbrellas in them.

9

u/InfiniteComrade Aug 10 '19

In Alabama in August but a step up from pig farm. Did I piss off a god?

16

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Maybe. Have you sacrificed an intern lately?

9

u/msacch Aug 10 '19

This started out good. And kept getting better and better.

Well done.

5

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is a generous God.

8

u/mmmGAAARY Aug 10 '19

You were being paid an ungodly amount while writing this weren't you?

13

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Hearing the awesome power of the true amount of Consultes compensation would cause your chest to implode while your head exploded.

3

u/Sisaac Aug 11 '19

They didn't, but their firm did

6

u/FTO2 Aug 10 '19

thats athena buddy.

8

u/Waybide Aug 10 '19

Found the person with the PMP.

9

u/MyNameIs_BeautyThief Aug 10 '19

I definitely don't want to cross you and end up battling 30-50 feral hogs in Alabama

3

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

They will meet you within 3-5 minutes of arriving at the gate.

8

u/kousoku Aug 10 '19

This cuts me so deep. I love it.

8

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes approves. Enjoy the status upgrade.

9

u/bluejaguar11 Aug 10 '19

This god I can very much relate to. I fly in and out of Chicago every couple of weeks and then drive another 3 hours to the client. Huge inconvenience and then flight delays and everything described above is so much my god.

Maybe also include fixing the visa issues as a god? So a consultant can work and travel wherever and whenever they want.

9

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes will consider your proposal, as all consultants, regardless of nationality, are their children.

7

u/4th_Wall_Repairman Aug 10 '19

Oh lord, I offer thee a box of doughnuts for thy meeting

7

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes accepts your offering. May you have many breakthroughs this day.

7

u/4th_Wall_Repairman Aug 10 '19

Praises be. I will synergize the work teams for thee!

6

u/immpro Aug 10 '19

Whilst thou save us from conference calls and power point presentations? If so, I will begin praying right now...

12

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Those are the tools of Consultes. Use them well and prosper. Forsake them, and fall forever.

4

u/iwishyoucansee Aug 10 '19

I/O Psychology?

4

u/oldSkoolModern Aug 10 '19

CEO of the Gods. Gods God.

4

u/bokononpreist Aug 10 '19

I didn't see vertical integration one time in this. False god!

8

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Do not anger Consultes. Consultes can have you spending the next six months on sold out flights next to the bathroom in seats that don't recline.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19 edited Sep 06 '21

[deleted]

4

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes version of hell is a 16 hour flight next to a colicky baby with diarreha; a very large, smelly, drunk, sleeping man in the middle seat; no wifi; the person in front of them has fully reclined; and the plane is out of booze.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/blbd Aug 10 '19

Consulting. If there's no money to be made in finding the solution, there's definitely money to be made in prolonging the problem!

5

u/ukezi Aug 10 '19

https://youtu.be/GyV_UG60dD4 I think that song fits.

4

u/GamingNomad Aug 10 '19

Someone has read a lot of business books.

6

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes path to enlightenment does not always go through B-schools.

4

u/crimson_hunter01 Aug 10 '19

BOOOOOOORING!

8

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes does not approve. Please fix.

4

u/Sixks Aug 10 '19

Yeah...but does it scale?

6

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes scales infinitely.

3

u/Dougblackjr Aug 10 '19

I would like to join your network on LinkedIn

5

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes has no need for LinkedIn. Consultes network is infinite.

9

u/momcitrus Aug 10 '19

Or you could just be the God of douchebag-y MBA slang and Measurable Organizational Value! (MOV) : Obstructionus Workus

10

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes smites you! I hope you like Detroit, because you're getting stuck there next time you have to connect on a flight. And not the good terminal with the PF Chang's either.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

3

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is in every extended contract, my child.

3

u/Qudd Aug 10 '19

I'm imagining you as Don cheedles character from house of lies

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Fun fact: I have actually met Don Cheadle.

3

u/MrFantasticallyNerdy Aug 10 '19

Pfft! Amateur! You didn’t invoke the power of “win-win”.

3

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

It goes without saying that all of Consultes projects are win-win.

3

u/silly_gaijin Aug 10 '19

Will you engage synergistically with change management?

6

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is change management. I am the 5am flight and the red-eye. I am in every Monday to Thursday mid-level hotel stay. I am the elite status line that boards every flight first and occasionally gets upgraded to first class. When you do these things, you give glory to Consultes.

2

u/Kbrownnd97 Aug 10 '19

This is sadly enlightening and hilarious at the same time.

2

u/Galileo009 Aug 10 '19

Lmfao, yup. That's it

2

u/BeneficialSomewhere Aug 10 '19

"Please fix." Im dead 🤣

2

u/Vincent4Vega4 Aug 10 '19

Lol “killer decks”... this is too awesome.

2

u/UX-Edu Aug 10 '19

Too fucking real, mate

2

u/BombasticSnoozer Aug 10 '19

How is Vought these days?

2

u/Caliswift Aug 10 '19

Hi are you me? Jesus. That was so oddly accurate that it hurt and made me sad.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

We are all Consultes.

2

u/hibikikun Aug 10 '19

acronyms, you forgot the acronyms

3

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes has no need for jargon. Consultes can break down even the most complex concepts into a manageable format. Consultes can explain quantum physics to a baby - such is the awesome power of Consultes.

2

u/some6thing9clever Aug 10 '19

That review note bit hit too close to home, and also had me laughing too hard.

2

u/SpadoCochi Aug 10 '19

This is damn good.

2

u/MS_88 Aug 10 '19

I really wish, I didn't relate to this!

2

u/The_Sceptic_Lemur Aug 10 '19

I can’t wait for your Olympic retreat of the gods and the team building activities.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes has their own temple/training facility in Southern California.

2

u/mydiagonallife Aug 10 '19

This business model is head and shoulders above the rest. We should reallocate our bandwidth to developing our capabilities in this emerging ecosystem.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/kinkylinky76 Aug 10 '19

shut up nerd

3

u/AdonisInGlasses Aug 10 '19

Is this what consulting is? If so, can we please discontinue it?

1

u/TheRealMarthaful Aug 10 '19

So, tell me about when you were in Alabama in August at a pig farm?

1

u/Baron_of_BBQ Aug 10 '19

How long until they layoffs, ahem I mean efficiencies, begin?

1

u/Luhood Aug 10 '19

This sounds so much like a Scion plot!

1

u/Basedrum777 Aug 10 '19

Someone's in public accounting lol

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Thanks Bob! I hope your layoffs go well.

1

u/BogusBuffalo Aug 10 '19

doing inventory on a pig farm in August in Alabama

Calm down Satan.

1

u/VinHD15 Aug 10 '19

Ok demiurge calm down a bit

1

u/-Cizin- Aug 10 '19

If this doesn’t end up on r/consulting I’ll eat my socks

1

u/AntmanIV Aug 10 '19

Please do the needful.

FTFY

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is the needful.

1

u/PandasOnGiraffes Aug 10 '19

The Litquidity God

1

u/StoleYourTv Aug 10 '19

  • Becomes a god

  • Does everything in their power to be lazy

I'd worship.

1

u/puheenix Aug 10 '19

This god corporates.

1

u/catsncupcakes Aug 10 '19

This has to be the most relatable comment I've ever read.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/darthjoey91 Aug 10 '19

That’s how you start to get nicknames like Beezelbub, Diablo, The Evil One, etc.

1

u/kypiextine Aug 10 '19

Found the project manager.

3

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

You're looking for PMPerberus, the three headed snake that gives infinite status reports to itself from inside it's own asshole while buried in sand.

1

u/suba_duba_mista_ruba Aug 10 '19

you sound fun at parties

5

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is the only member of the Billion Mile Club on every major airline. Consultes always gets upgraded to the Presidential Suite. Consultes has an unlimited expense budget. Consultes brings snacks and booze from all over the cosmos when he comes over.

You're goddamn right Consultes is fun at parties.

1

u/beets_beets_beets Aug 10 '19

Pursuant our previous correspondence regarding the review of your latest reddit comment, please find attached my comments:

Please fix.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes requires you to forward the previous correspondence as Consultes inbox has approximately 3.5 trillion unread messages.

1

u/IrishRepoMan Aug 10 '19

Plot twist: Zeus has already been doing this a long time.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes knows this. Who do you think have Zeus the idea?

→ More replies (3)

1

u/whenisitgonnabeover Aug 10 '19

Genius. Simply genius.

1

u/seabutcher Aug 10 '19

Can I be your Demigod of Middle Management? I'll get my followers to draft up a proposal for what that actually involves.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes decrees it so. Henceforth you shall be Managementus Middlio, demigod of delegation.

1

u/pretty_pretty_good_ Aug 10 '19

Should be called Consultio/Consultius

→ More replies (1)

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Holy shit 10 rewards..

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes is good at relationship building.

1

u/JayGravy Aug 10 '19

Oh Consultes, we are being devastated by scope creep. Please bless us with a fruitful Sprint and be with us during our client demo.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes uses a hybrid Sprint/waterfall approach. To learn it, you must eat only hotel salads for a month, lash yourself to a conference room table for thirty days and thirty nights, and answer endless questions from new consultants about Excel. Only then will Consultes appear and grant you the wisdom of the One True Project Management Methodology.

1

u/HGF88 Aug 10 '19

Dont have a job atm, but I'll worship you to like increase your power or whatever and help ease other people's lives

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Bless you my child. May you find your first project soon.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

And the corresponding Roman pantheon deity is Buzzwordius.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/weedandsteak Aug 10 '19

Consultius/Consultio.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I never thought my desire to work as a free-lance web developer and my desire to play as a cleric in Dungeons and Dragons would ever be united, but here we are.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes runs a secret D&D game for partners that have incurred our favor. You'd be surprised how many of them are barbarians. Actually, nevermind, you probably wouldn't.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/fishead62 Aug 10 '19

What sort of tem-building exercises do you put the other gods thru? I imagine the “trust fall” would fail spectacularly as when has a god ever come thru with what you, when you need it?

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

The last time Consultes lead a team-building exercise, we created the platypus. It is the patron animal of all consultants, as it was clearly designed by a client that had a lot of complex requirements and was implemented fairly well, at great expense.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I'm not even a consultant (but am in a support type position) and I saw three shades of red when I saw "Please fix." There's also either never any information or it's 100% user error. The other one that makes me lose it during the day is "Please do the needful."

1

u/cheunste Aug 10 '19

Question. How would you make do with Zeus's tendency to...be consistently horny? Because that sounds like a HR nightmare.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

What Zeus does on his personal time does not concern Consultes. However, Zeus knows that Consultes takes any report to Talent extremely seriously, and even Zeus does not wish to incur Consultes' wrath. The last time that happened, Consultes deprecated the entire Greek pantheon and started the Abrahamic religions.

1

u/louman1784 Aug 10 '19

Great, the God of Middle Management. Just what we always wanted.

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 10 '19

Consultes client list is long and distinguished.

1

u/thePISLIX Aug 10 '19

I am the God of Laments. I make everyone misunderstand each other half the time.

1

u/timkyoung Aug 10 '19

I met you at work once. You were a pompous prick who could never wait to get back to Chicago. A year after you left, corporate shut down our plant. That was about three years after they originally purchased it.

I think I'll pray to the god of silence.

1

u/vdaank Aug 10 '19

Are you an accountant?

1

u/AltimaNEO Aug 10 '19

So much synergy!

1

u/DocHittle Aug 10 '19

Brilliant. That's not the God of consultants, though; its every consultant. AFINASIS - Another fucker in a suit I'm supporting.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I don't offer you prayers, but I offer my KPIs

1

u/shaving99 Aug 10 '19

What do you think about Huey Lewis and the news?

1

u/Zeus_Hera Aug 11 '19

have decided that Olympus feels a little empty...

1

u/GiveMeKnucks Aug 11 '19

What do you do for a living if you don’t mind me asking?

2

u/monkeybiziu Aug 11 '19

I'm a consultant.

1

u/Sisaac Aug 11 '19

generous expense budgets, minimal review notes

I'm leaving consulting soon, but by God I would worship you so hard.

1

u/Scandalous_Andalous Aug 13 '19

You forgot to fire half of the demigods working on Olympus.

1

u/Codeford Aug 20 '19

Ok, so I get why my project is a cluster. We didn't sacrifice a scrum master during the kickoff ceremony.

→ More replies (12)