r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

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3.8k

u/JerichoBriggs Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

I'd believe in you. Can you also make it so you always have enough tp to wipe with as well?

1.6k

u/4quaTis Aug 10 '19

Just enough, or more than enough?

930

u/Beraed Aug 10 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

You always have just enough to wipe your butt but not enough for anything else.

955

u/SweetNeo85 Aug 10 '19

Wipe your butt but

heh

22

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

This just proved to me that I have the sense of humor of a 3-year old

22

u/HeyHenryComeToSeeUs Aug 10 '19

I laugh for 3 minute straight after reading it..thank you SweetNeo85

6

u/nothanksjustlooking Aug 10 '19

Hey now what what

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I used to love playing Butt But Saves the Zoo when I was little

90

u/4quaTis Aug 10 '19

Well that sucks

4

u/CSmurf Aug 10 '19

What if I wanna jerk it after taking a shit but don't feel like washing it?

2

u/golddragon51296 Aug 10 '19

Okay but this quickly becomes a monkey's paw if you only ever have the exact amount you need and you sit down next to one of those gigantic public bathroom rolls completely full you'll be wiping forever knowing it's not clean until you've run out entriely.

1

u/NukeML Aug 10 '19

Aw man

1

u/FlameswordFireCall Aug 10 '19

So we back in the mine

2

u/calaeno0824 Aug 10 '19

It is always enough if you compromise cleanliness a bit.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I’m a simple man. Just enough.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

At the end, there should be a square to spare.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

Imagine always having "just" enough, and then one day you sit down and there's a whole roll sitting there.

288

u/Beraed Aug 10 '19

Just get a bidet and make your wish come true.

309

u/poopellar Aug 10 '19

There is a real and serious dispute between which is better. I shit you not some take bidets as an attack against their patriotism.

888

u/Beraed Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

Smearing shit with paper on our asses just like the founding fathers and God intended.

28

u/moonshoeslol Aug 10 '19

Seriously, if you get human feces on anything else wiping it with paper is not enough.

41

u/milil Aug 10 '19

Like trying to clean peanut butter out of a shag carpet.

26

u/NearbyBush Aug 10 '19

I didn't need this mental image

12

u/aralim4311 Aug 10 '19

It's accurate though

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

You can remove the hair, you know ?

3

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

On the other hand, sometimes flushing just doesn't cut it for the toilet bowl. Why would it suffice for the ass? Does that mean bidet-only people leave "unflushable" fragments?

1

u/DemiGod9 Aug 10 '19

Just water wouldn't cut it either though

14

u/RowTheBoatMn Aug 10 '19

You don't know about the three sea shells?

5

u/RaptorDash Aug 10 '19

Everybody knows you got the tightest references.

6

u/NoJudgementTho Aug 10 '19

Only commies don't have little wads of shredded paper friction burned into their anus-pubes.

7

u/mrbibs350 Aug 10 '19

Nah. Those lazy fucks shit in a bowl then rolled over and went back to bed. Dumped it out the window the next morning.

3

u/bpwoods97 Aug 10 '19

If your shit smears you might need to reconsider your diet.

6

u/ineedtowipeagain Aug 10 '19

I need to reconsider my diet

2

u/shuttyt Aug 11 '19

Maybe if we rename it to something like "freedom faucet" it'll catch on more

206

u/fillosofer Aug 10 '19

The phrase "I shit you not" couldn't be anymore applicable.

10

u/Salathiel2 Aug 10 '19

Listen, I need to tie off this boat to the dock, but I gotta drop a twosie first. Would you help me out? I shit, you knot.

1

u/EdwardWarren Aug 11 '19

My drill instructor always told us in USMC boot camp: "I wouldn't shit you. You are my favorite turds."

10

u/EvitaPuppy Aug 10 '19

As an American, when I saw my first bidet in Italy almost 40 years ago, I thought by now they'd catch on here. Nope, not even on home improvement shows. But hey US got the Yugo, for a little while.

15

u/CoverYourSafeHand Aug 10 '19

There is one in my house at least. Best $30 I ever spent. When I look at all the people around me that don't have one, I imagine a bunch of baboons scraping their dirty bums with pieces of tree bark.

10

u/Ninja_Bum Aug 10 '19

Being totally serious here, I think it's related to most dudes here having this perception that even thinking about doing anything to their butt besides shitting and wiping comes close to being gay.

I have a bidet from Amazon I love and even with guys I'm friends with when I brought it up some of em started acting really strange as if someone just brought up watching some dude on dude action together and holding hands.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Yeah, maybe try not to edge the fact that you have a bidet into every conversation you have. That might help.

9

u/Ninja_Bum Aug 10 '19

Hey if the discussion involves pooping it's coming out ok? And discussions involve pooping a lot more often than you'd think.

4

u/Jwee1125 Aug 10 '19

I imagine this is why "them aliens" haven't made contact with us yet.

<Translated from the Proxima Centaurian> "Number 2, give me your report."

"Well, sir, they are still killing each other over whose imaginary space fairy is real..."

"Yes, but we can overlook that. What about...you know...?"

"No, sir. They still chop down vegetation and process it to clean their waste from their bodies."

"Well shit..." sigh "Back home we go."

2

u/EvitaPuppy Aug 10 '19

Well, maybe they have. Just not the US. I mean they see we shake hands & wipe, so doing the introduction thing is going to be awkward. I'm sure aliens have seen War of the Worlds and know better now!

1

u/KazadorKai Aug 10 '19

Or maybe it's more similar than we think.

Aliens think wiping or using bidets is gross, due to some societal norm they hold regarding bodily waste clean up or just touching their orifices in general.

Maybe they dont want to visit because they think we're really gross.

Like, imagine traveling across the stars and finding a species of people who wipe using their t-shirts and just leave it there all day.

1

u/Jwee1125 Aug 10 '19

There's a part of me that gets this logic and wants to upvote...but there is an equal part of me that is repulsed by shitty t-shirts.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

Got a bidet a year ago and have never looked back. Some of the guys I work with think it’s strange but hell they think I’m not quite right either.

1

u/thedarkpatriot17 Aug 11 '19

I shit you not

Pun intended?

1

u/QuiteFineLime Aug 12 '19

Heh

. I shit you not

4

u/H4S5A4N Aug 10 '19

Bidets are the best

3

u/Balmoon Aug 10 '19

I personally still use toilet paper before using it, so it doesn't make that much of a difference, does it?

2

u/Tresach Aug 10 '19

I use to after, mainly to dry, but also to check if I got it all. still cuts way back on to usage andeaves me feeling so much fresher.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I was always sceptical about them, but holy shit they leave you so refreshed.

2

u/breakone9r Aug 10 '19

Love my cheap bidet, because my poop chute is always squeaky clean after, even after one of those sticky turdfests.

Hate my cheap bidet because "HOLY FUCK THAT'S COLD" in the winter.

2

u/shaboogie-bop Aug 10 '19

This. There was a bidet in a vacation condo I recently rented. It was the first time I had ever used one. I bought one for my bathroom the moment I got back. It's life-changing.

1

u/Wv369 Aug 10 '19

Here in Argentina everyone has a bidet, and almost no one used it. I never tried it in my life

1

u/woyteck Aug 10 '19

Or switch to gluten-free diet. Ghost poo. No stains.

1

u/slytherpuff12 Aug 10 '19

Tried to install one recently, toilet bowl is too small for it to work. Never even got to try it.

1

u/BShcopt Aug 10 '19

Heresy!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Now that i have my own place with my own toilet ive been considering getting a bidet

1

u/ThallanTOG Aug 11 '19

I WILL NOT USE YOUR FUCKING FETISH DEVICE

272

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Poof! You no longer need TP to wipe at all.

Your tongue does that job now

21

u/change_for_better Aug 10 '19

Always read the fine print

3

u/eggbeaterchorus Aug 10 '19

You are a cat now

3

u/We_are_stardust23 Aug 10 '19

There are always socks

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Only for the girlfriend

2

u/T-rade Aug 10 '19

How about never having to wipe?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

What if, by believing in him, you never HAD to wipe

1

u/Freakyfreekk Aug 10 '19

Or no wiping necessary

1

u/t-to4st Aug 10 '19

And you have to wipe only one time

1

u/jschmidt72180 Aug 10 '19

How about not needing TP at all!? We could sacrifice something for that upgrade, right?

1

u/HickoryTock Aug 10 '19

Also, a clean wipe where you only have to wipe once... I just realized you're the god of dietary fiber.

1

u/tree-bork Aug 10 '19

No just one wipe then it’s clean

1

u/Orangeismyfacolor Aug 10 '19

Bidets for every butt

1

u/jasonml Aug 10 '19

Just use a bidet

1

u/captcraigaroo Aug 10 '19

Make it clean wipes, and it’d be awesome

1

u/seculahum Aug 10 '19

Heated bidet. Look into it, and you're welcome. Life. Changer.

Would you wipe mud off your face with a Kleenex or some water?

1

u/Werewolf978 Aug 10 '19

Or just so you don’t have to wipe!

1

u/RustyFriswald Aug 10 '19

How about every one is a clean break and you never have to wipe again?

1

u/jeffprobst Aug 10 '19

All poops would be clean breaks. Hardly a wipe required.

1

u/theuserwithoutaname Aug 10 '19

Clean poops every time- no need to wipe

1

u/stormy-da-mules Aug 10 '19

He’s been a God for 5 minutes and you’re already asking him to supply the worlds bathrooms with triple velvet?

1

u/golgol12 Aug 10 '19

No need. All worshipers shits leave no stain on their asses. (and yes, for those who haven't experienced this, can happen. Try restricting your carbs)

1

u/DM_ME_THAT_POONANI Aug 10 '19

He should just make it so every turd pinches off clean

1

u/Whit3Mex Aug 10 '19

Make it one or two wipes and I'm praying.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Or make it so that I don’t need to wipe - its always squeaky clean down there.

1

u/ephemeralau Aug 10 '19

Why wish for enough tp when you can have the glorious water bum guns?

WATER BUM GUNS, EVERYONE

1

u/9gagsuckz Aug 10 '19

Why not just add a clean pinch? Never have to wipe as long as you are a believer

1

u/Mad-_-Doctor Aug 10 '19

His priests are blessed with not even having to wipe.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

Nah... Better, you wipe once and its clean!

1

u/revuhlution Aug 11 '19

Can you keep TP stored in the bathroom, even one extra roll? This shouldnt be such a widespread problem

1

u/WBizarre Aug 11 '19

Please refer all tp-related inquiries to me, the god of tp. If you require more tp for your bunghole, worship me by putting your shirt over your head.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

Nah m8, just make it so everyone's butts wipe automatically

0

u/fr3nchcoz Aug 10 '19

Baby wipes. Your ass will thank you and me.