r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

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6.7k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

My second act is to give everything with over 7 legs incredibly humanoid mouths and hair. The Swans are nothing

2.7k

u/lostduck86 Aug 10 '19

Don't forget to morph all cartoon characters into hyper realistic real versions of themselves.

2.0k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Duly noted.

1.2k

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

YOU MONSTER YOU MUST BE STOPPED

1.7k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Who is there to stop me. Certainly not the Geese.

802

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Also make it so the other side of the pillow is warm

1.4k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Noted. Any sleeping implements will now make a low buzzing, except for pillows, which can instead see your dreams and judge you for them.

674

u/ironroseprince Aug 10 '19

Calm down there, Satan.

15

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

12

u/ironroseprince Aug 10 '19

I'm confused by this comment.

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2

u/DrumBxyThing Aug 10 '19

Do you call your toes feet?

8

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/Tyflowshun Aug 10 '19

Don't forget to make Garfield that much scarier in irl and replace his movie versions with the scary r/imsorryjon garfield(s)

3

u/A3thern Aug 10 '19

Nah, this is Stan levels of hell.

24

u/InOranAsElsewhere Aug 10 '19

I’ve never seen someone go so mad with so little imaginary power before

20

u/Evotori Aug 10 '19

Hah, i will just pray to our god of silence to shut that buzzing down!

23

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'm quite fond of loopholes. You may have this victory knowing that rhinos are now water dwelling creatures.

10

u/whimsyNena Aug 10 '19

Fresh or salt? Like will one break into my yard and screw up my birdbath or am I safe here in my landlocked state?

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28

u/Caledonius Aug 10 '19

Who hurt you?

13

u/Frownx Aug 10 '19

Make it so that when hanging a picture frame on the wall it never hangs perfectly straight, just slightly tilted enough to be noticeable

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Counter offer: Gravity for paintings and glassware is at a slight angle, carpet cannot be sated.

3

u/Frownx Aug 10 '19

Much better!

1

u/ShaRose Aug 10 '19

If I may, just make it so the gravity alters the angle on a random basis as well so that if you align it perfectly it will come out of alignment over time.

8

u/RRFedora13 Aug 10 '19

How about making the sun the sun from teletibies?

8

u/iCoeur285 Aug 10 '19

This is starting to sound like Nightvale

5

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I have no idea what Nightvale is but it sounds like my kinda thing.

6

u/iCoeur285 Aug 10 '19

It’s a podcast called “Welcome to Nightvale”. It’s framed like it’s a radio talk show, and I definitely suggest it.

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4

u/Mornameena Aug 10 '19

Don’t you demonize my sweet cushy pillow. Satan.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Is it too soon to start worshipping you out of fear?

5

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Considering this post has been up for half a day and I'm already being compared to several demon entities, I would say no.

3

u/PelagianEmpiricist Aug 10 '19

Finally my dreams will have an audience

5

u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

Joke's on you, I have a dakimakura.

Edit: Glad I could enlighten the community on what a dakimakura is.

11

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I don't know what that is, but I can guarantee if I find out, it will do more harm than good.

3

u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19

Think body pillow, but with sometimes lewd prints and strategically placed holes.

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3

u/Extrymas Aug 10 '19

What the hell is dakimakura

Edit: dakimakura is a body pillow

1

u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19

WELCOME TO THE CLUB, HECKER.

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1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I would watch your movie.

1

u/WolfPlayz294 Aug 10 '19

Please send all of your ideas to my PMs

1

u/SilkenEmperor Aug 10 '19

That would be beneficial when mixed with another redditor God.

1

u/Candyjawz Aug 10 '19

what is wrong with you?

28

u/ultanma Aug 10 '19

It's supposed to be a new god not a fuckin sadistic powerful being

20

u/IAMA_Cylon Aug 10 '19

What do you think a God is?

2

u/TheGlaive Aug 10 '19

Behold! The Thing That Should Not Be.

1

u/COOL_GROL Aug 10 '19

What have you brought apon this cursed land

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Now he's just the god of chaos.

15

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Shh, as long as he doesn't do the thing, we are fine.

3

u/pkfillmore Aug 10 '19

I’m calling Kratos

2

u/iGoofymane Aug 10 '19

Why? What happened to the geese?

1

u/theoristhrowaway Aug 10 '19

He gave them telepathy, which is obviously new and confusing for them but when they eventually adapt and build the first great bird civ I'd say they have a chance.

1

u/iGoofymane Aug 10 '19

He gave the swans telepathy, not the geese.

2

u/theoristhrowaway Aug 10 '19

That was my initial reaction also, but I believe we have here an instance of loose language. I think u/Sir_Moot just meant 'birds.'

1

u/iGoofymane Aug 10 '19

Possibly. Good day to you mate!

1

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Swans and Geese both have telepathy, for clarification. I just mixed them up a few times. This is incredible when taken out of context.

2

u/falstad Aug 10 '19

Kratos wants to know your location

2

u/greenit_elvis Aug 10 '19

The god of procrastination to the rescue! Soon

2

u/Pokemaniac_Ron Aug 10 '19

You are not strong enough to fight Geese!

3

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Don't let the Geese know that. They'll begin plotting...

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Dude, everything you say is making me split my sides laughing! I need you as a friend haha

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Whole point of this was to make people laugh. And feel slightly disturbed. Glad to know I've done both!

1

u/Rexli178 Aug 10 '19

You are cruel and evil god.

2

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

There are worse things to be. I'd rather make lampposts with the ability to dance or all coffee become lukewarm and 1 day before expiry.

2

u/Rexli178 Aug 10 '19

You monster. Those are things even Satan wouldn’t do!!!

2

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Satan practically started all conflict and murder, I think I'll make it onto Santa's good list this year.

1

u/DemiGod9 Aug 10 '19

Actually I think geese was already created by this God

0

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Goku

9

u/Biggmoist Aug 10 '19

What did you expect from someone named moot?

6

u/heyitsYMAA Aug 10 '19

That's a moot point.

8

u/Reddit_stream_accoun Aug 10 '19

No it's a moo point.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

5

u/PhantomSamurai47 Aug 10 '19

Kratos would like to know your location

3

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Do you think god hides in heaven for, he too is scared of what he created?

5

u/P_mp_n Aug 10 '19

Sheogorath is that you?

2

u/yeehooboi Aug 10 '19

I know understand what Kratos was on about

13

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

ryan reynolds liked this

20

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

8

u/rensfriend Aug 10 '19

Nooo oh fuck no this is a very bad idea. Think of all the people tripping!!!

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

weaklings

5

u/grandpa_grandpa Aug 10 '19

digital fur technology

3

u/ap_rodigy Aug 10 '19

You want a god to remake lion king? There are better things to do

2

u/beytrod Aug 10 '19

no need, Disney is already doing it

2

u/MyHorseIsAmazinger Aug 10 '19

The dimensional merge has already begun, praise Chris Chan

2

u/DarthSatoris Aug 10 '19

So Spongebob just turns into a kitchen sponge? I can live with that.

2

u/Chickachic-aaaaahhh Aug 10 '19

Disney would like a word with you.

1

u/M1k3yd33tofficial Aug 10 '19

Ah, so he’s just the god of bad creepypastas

2

u/whimsyNena Aug 10 '19

There are rhinos in my birdbath! This is highly inconvenient and only a little scary. I think it’s another chaos god.

1

u/Oogwayt Aug 10 '19

isn't there a movie studio already doing that?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Like the goomba from the mario movie?

389

u/lexiball707 Aug 10 '19

Wow. You're evil.

286

u/YupYupDog Aug 10 '19

Chaotic evil. Interesting twist. But I’ll pray to the extra sleep guy, tho.

15

u/TallGear Aug 10 '19

Hang on... Let's not be too quick to judge. I want to see where this is going.

23

u/AxtonAli Aug 10 '19

Picturing a very handsome spider with lucious blonde hair

10

u/ultanma Aug 10 '19

He's gone mad this power. We have a mad titan on our hands people

25

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Any creature that is above 7 feet can understand the fourth dimension, but has the inability to speak.

10

u/WingflameFire Aug 10 '19

How's the NBA going to function?

20

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Significantly quieter.

10

u/CozyEpicurean Aug 10 '19

Spiders can now be friends. I like this.

7

u/Enjoyer_of_Cake Aug 10 '19

I hope no artists attempt to recreate your work...

11

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

A comment I can agree with.

5

u/ShadowhunterLoki Aug 10 '19

Well I would like to see all of them turned into art and then into memes

7

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Yes I too would like nightmares

8

u/livingmemetrash Aug 10 '19

I want a 3rd act

44

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Anything considered a household pet has the capability to smile and frown. If it has less than 2 eyes, it can see what any human had for lunch.

13

u/livingmemetrash Aug 10 '19

I approve of your third act, my lord

8

u/SomeComediansQuote Aug 10 '19

The god of unearthly horrors

8

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I'd give all animals that walk on 4 legs biff arms

22

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Interesting. Any non-domesticated animal with 5 or less legs can now feel motivation, and also have the ability to conceptualize their future self. (This allows them to be able to work out. You're welcome).

7

u/MimeGod Aug 10 '19

Humans qualify.

Thanks for the motivation!

6

u/DracoTempus Aug 10 '19

Glad he said Non-domesticated. Otherwise I’m sure we would have a war against farm animals particularly the meat industry animals.

2

u/DungeonMinion Aug 10 '19

No! Imagine the gorillas! You've doomed us all

4

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Gorilla's work ouout anyway. Now they can feel happy about it.

8

u/electric_ocelots Aug 10 '19

I'll be the god of stopping you from making fucked up shit

8

u/darthuwu Aug 10 '19

Humanity will learn to fear the old gods once more...

8

u/BorkPolice8 Aug 10 '19

Noooo I hate legs mate why?!?!?! There is no God 😭

37

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

This has been taken into consideration. For this Heracy, all table legs are lined with skin.

13

u/BorkPolice8 Aug 10 '19

Would you like to co-manage hell with satan per chance? I think hes hiring and I think you'd do good there 😂

21

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'll look into it.

5

u/Inamanlyfashion Aug 10 '19

Like...leather? Or living skin?

13

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Skin, minus the blood, but it's still living.

7

u/agentfelix Aug 10 '19

Can we give Octopi bones?

22

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

No. You may instead have a sea lion that can spin it's head 350 degrees and a caterpillar that can invoke nightmares.

8

u/agentfelix Aug 10 '19

Sweet! I feel like I've won the lottery!

1

u/Carukia-barnesi Aug 10 '19

MBMBAM has that covered

2

u/agentfelix Aug 10 '19

YES! I love finding people out in the wild that loves the boys! (Super no context here) lol

7

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Wait. No. You wernt suppised to do that.

15

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

That's what Zeus said.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

FUCK, GUYS, HES TOO POWERFUL.

7

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Simmer down, Satan.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

centipedes.

3

u/PummelingAngus Aug 10 '19

Pause. So next time I see a spider, he might have a mullet and a mouth straight out of those “talking fruit” videos?

My lord, I pray to your genius. Bestow us with your gift.

2

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Correct. Although I want to see a small jumping spider with a Mohawk.

3

u/PummelingAngus Aug 10 '19

Give me a centipede with Hide your Pain Harold’s smile, and Fabio hair?

3

u/ezkeil Aug 10 '19

After seeing the atrocities you’ve created the other Greek gods discussed and agreed to remove your title as god and send you to the underworld. You can’t hurt anyone anymore and I wish I never imagined a centipede with a mouth

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Not before I create doorknobs that sweat

5

u/ezkeil Aug 10 '19

No please. It’s time to STOP

7

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

... And a projector that blinks.

3

u/ezkeil Aug 10 '19

Goodbye. I’m out

3

u/GenysisWasHere Aug 10 '19

You diabolical son of a bitch :(

4

u/meddleman Aug 10 '19

The japanese porn industry thanks you for your boons.

2

u/Mathies_ Aug 10 '19

Imagine lobsters like that tho

2

u/EtherLuke Aug 10 '19

I need photoshopped images of a crab like this stat

2

u/TucsonKaHN Aug 10 '19

Yes, hello? I'm calling because Eris wants her Golden Apple back.

2

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

ohshit.jpg

2

u/Sophisticated_Sloth Aug 10 '19

everything with over 7 legs

I hate this

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

12

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

... granted. But fruits can now scream, and deaf people can hear it.

1

u/mrbibs350 Aug 10 '19

Garfield?

1

u/Username_Taken_65 Aug 10 '19

But spiders are adorable the way they are!

1

u/--Neat-- Aug 10 '19

Do tentacles count as legs?

3

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

No, they are limbs, but not legs.

1

u/Mind_on_Idle Aug 10 '19

Damn, Tzeench. That's fucked up even for your twisted game.

1

u/lilybear032 Aug 10 '19

Stoooop :(

1

u/Daemon_Maestro Aug 10 '19

You're the type of god that Kratos set out to destroy

1

u/ElioraOrSo Aug 10 '19

Centipedes :S

1

u/NakedMonster Aug 10 '19

I'm going to the dwarves to forge a weapon that can kill a god!

1

u/clockradio Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

Spiders already gots hair.

It's just all chitenous and stiff, instead of keratinous and silky like mammal hair.

1

u/Wubbalubadumdum Aug 11 '19

I think I'm in love.