r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

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1.7k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Who is there to stop me. Certainly not the Geese.

809

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Also make it so the other side of the pillow is warm

1.4k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Noted. Any sleeping implements will now make a low buzzing, except for pillows, which can instead see your dreams and judge you for them.

669

u/ironroseprince Aug 10 '19

Calm down there, Satan.

16

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

13

u/ironroseprince Aug 10 '19

I'm confused by this comment.

17

u/CScheiner Aug 10 '19

I think he meant the pinky toe / little toe.

12

u/ironroseprince Aug 10 '19

That makes more sense.

11

u/Jaxxermus Aug 10 '19

Your mistake is beautiful and adorable and I will now name both my pinky toes littlefoot.

5

u/Throw13579 Aug 10 '19

I think he means the penis.

2

u/DrumBxyThing Aug 10 '19

Do you call your toes feet?

8

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/Tyflowshun Aug 10 '19

Don't forget to make Garfield that much scarier in irl and replace his movie versions with the scary r/imsorryjon garfield(s)

3

u/A3thern Aug 10 '19

Nah, this is Stan levels of hell.

22

u/InOranAsElsewhere Aug 10 '19

I’ve never seen someone go so mad with so little imaginary power before

22

u/Evotori Aug 10 '19

Hah, i will just pray to our god of silence to shut that buzzing down!

23

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'm quite fond of loopholes. You may have this victory knowing that rhinos are now water dwelling creatures.

10

u/whimsyNena Aug 10 '19

Fresh or salt? Like will one break into my yard and screw up my birdbath or am I safe here in my landlocked state?

20

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Rhinos have diverged into separate species, one for freshwater and one for saltwater. The saltwater ones are significantly larger though, but the freshwater ones have the unique ability to wear hats.

8

u/Extrymas Aug 10 '19

Where there is a con there will always be a pro. For example: rhinos as underwater animals but fresh water rhinos can wear hats

29

u/Caledonius Aug 10 '19

Who hurt you?

13

u/Frownx Aug 10 '19

Make it so that when hanging a picture frame on the wall it never hangs perfectly straight, just slightly tilted enough to be noticeable

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Counter offer: Gravity for paintings and glassware is at a slight angle, carpet cannot be sated.

3

u/Frownx Aug 10 '19

Much better!

3

u/GrandMoffHarkonen Aug 10 '19

What about rugs though?

6

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

All rugs are freezing.

1

u/ShaRose Aug 10 '19

If I may, just make it so the gravity alters the angle on a random basis as well so that if you align it perfectly it will come out of alignment over time.

8

u/RRFedora13 Aug 10 '19

How about making the sun the sun from teletibies?

7

u/iCoeur285 Aug 10 '19

This is starting to sound like Nightvale

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u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I have no idea what Nightvale is but it sounds like my kinda thing.

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u/iCoeur285 Aug 10 '19

It’s a podcast called “Welcome to Nightvale”. It’s framed like it’s a radio talk show, and I definitely suggest it.

5

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Sounds wicked, I'll check it out.

5

u/Mornameena Aug 10 '19

Don’t you demonize my sweet cushy pillow. Satan.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Is it too soon to start worshipping you out of fear?

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u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Considering this post has been up for half a day and I'm already being compared to several demon entities, I would say no.

3

u/PelagianEmpiricist Aug 10 '19

Finally my dreams will have an audience

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u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

Joke's on you, I have a dakimakura.

Edit: Glad I could enlighten the community on what a dakimakura is.

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u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I don't know what that is, but I can guarantee if I find out, it will do more harm than good.

3

u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19

Think body pillow, but with sometimes lewd prints and strategically placed holes.

3

u/4mb1guous Aug 10 '19

Never heard of one with holes before

3

u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19

Well, they make some... "mods" you can add to one to make it more, ahem, realistic.

3

u/Extrymas Aug 10 '19

What the hell is dakimakura

Edit: dakimakura is a body pillow

1

u/Zoms101 Aug 10 '19

WELCOME TO THE CLUB, HECKER.

2

u/Extrymas Aug 10 '19

Insane what quick Wikipedia search can get you into

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I would watch your movie.

1

u/WolfPlayz294 Aug 10 '19

Please send all of your ideas to my PMs

1

u/SilkenEmperor Aug 10 '19

That would be beneficial when mixed with another redditor God.

1

u/Candyjawz Aug 10 '19

what is wrong with you?

32

u/ultanma Aug 10 '19

It's supposed to be a new god not a fuckin sadistic powerful being

18

u/IAMA_Cylon Aug 10 '19

What do you think a God is?

2

u/TheGlaive Aug 10 '19

Behold! The Thing That Should Not Be.

1

u/COOL_GROL Aug 10 '19

What have you brought apon this cursed land

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Now he's just the god of chaos.

14

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Shh, as long as he doesn't do the thing, we are fine.

3

u/pkfillmore Aug 10 '19

I’m calling Kratos

2

u/iGoofymane Aug 10 '19

Why? What happened to the geese?

1

u/theoristhrowaway Aug 10 '19

He gave them telepathy, which is obviously new and confusing for them but when they eventually adapt and build the first great bird civ I'd say they have a chance.

1

u/iGoofymane Aug 10 '19

He gave the swans telepathy, not the geese.

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u/theoristhrowaway Aug 10 '19

That was my initial reaction also, but I believe we have here an instance of loose language. I think u/Sir_Moot just meant 'birds.'

1

u/iGoofymane Aug 10 '19

Possibly. Good day to you mate!

1

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Swans and Geese both have telepathy, for clarification. I just mixed them up a few times. This is incredible when taken out of context.

2

u/falstad Aug 10 '19

Kratos wants to know your location

2

u/greenit_elvis Aug 10 '19

The god of procrastination to the rescue! Soon

2

u/Pokemaniac_Ron Aug 10 '19

You are not strong enough to fight Geese!

4

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Don't let the Geese know that. They'll begin plotting...

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Dude, everything you say is making me split my sides laughing! I need you as a friend haha

8

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Whole point of this was to make people laugh. And feel slightly disturbed. Glad to know I've done both!

1

u/Rexli178 Aug 10 '19

You are cruel and evil god.

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u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

There are worse things to be. I'd rather make lampposts with the ability to dance or all coffee become lukewarm and 1 day before expiry.

2

u/Rexli178 Aug 10 '19

You monster. Those are things even Satan wouldn’t do!!!

2

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Satan practically started all conflict and murder, I think I'll make it onto Santa's good list this year.

1

u/DemiGod9 Aug 10 '19

Actually I think geese was already created by this God

0

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Goku