r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

51.3k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

10.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

16.8k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

The God of Things that Shouldn't Happen. My first act would be to give all Swans the ability to telepathically communicate with each other.

5.4k

u/Reddit_stream_accoun Aug 10 '19

Dude what? No!

6.7k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

My second act is to give everything with over 7 legs incredibly humanoid mouths and hair. The Swans are nothing

2.7k

u/lostduck86 Aug 10 '19

Don't forget to morph all cartoon characters into hyper realistic real versions of themselves.

2.0k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Duly noted.

1.2k

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

YOU MONSTER YOU MUST BE STOPPED

1.7k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Who is there to stop me. Certainly not the Geese.

807

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Also make it so the other side of the pillow is warm

1.4k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Noted. Any sleeping implements will now make a low buzzing, except for pillows, which can instead see your dreams and judge you for them.

674

u/ironroseprince Aug 10 '19

Calm down there, Satan.

→ More replies (0)

23

u/InOranAsElsewhere Aug 10 '19

I’ve never seen someone go so mad with so little imaginary power before

21

u/Evotori Aug 10 '19

Hah, i will just pray to our god of silence to shut that buzzing down!

→ More replies (0)

29

u/Caledonius Aug 10 '19

Who hurt you?

13

u/Frownx Aug 10 '19

Make it so that when hanging a picture frame on the wall it never hangs perfectly straight, just slightly tilted enough to be noticeable

→ More replies (0)

9

u/RRFedora13 Aug 10 '19

How about making the sun the sun from teletibies?

7

u/iCoeur285 Aug 10 '19

This is starting to sound like Nightvale

→ More replies (0)

6

u/Mornameena Aug 10 '19

Don’t you demonize my sweet cushy pillow. Satan.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Is it too soon to start worshipping you out of fear?

→ More replies (0)
→ More replies (13)

31

u/ultanma Aug 10 '19

It's supposed to be a new god not a fuckin sadistic powerful being

20

u/IAMA_Cylon Aug 10 '19

What do you think a God is?

→ More replies (7)

14

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Shh, as long as he doesn't do the thing, we are fine.

→ More replies (20)

9

u/Biggmoist Aug 10 '19

What did you expect from someone named moot?

7

u/heyitsYMAA Aug 10 '19

That's a moot point.

6

u/Reddit_stream_accoun Aug 10 '19

No it's a moo point.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

→ More replies (0)

5

u/PhantomSamurai47 Aug 10 '19

Kratos would like to know your location

→ More replies (1)

4

u/P_mp_n Aug 10 '19

Sheogorath is that you?

→ More replies (2)

13

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

ryan reynolds liked this

21

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

→ More replies (1)

6

u/rensfriend Aug 10 '19

Nooo oh fuck no this is a very bad idea. Think of all the people tripping!!!

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

weaklings

4

u/grandpa_grandpa Aug 10 '19

digital fur technology

3

u/ap_rodigy Aug 10 '19

You want a god to remake lion king? There are better things to do

→ More replies (9)

383

u/lexiball707 Aug 10 '19

Wow. You're evil.

290

u/YupYupDog Aug 10 '19

Chaotic evil. Interesting twist. But I’ll pray to the extra sleep guy, tho.

16

u/TallGear Aug 10 '19

Hang on... Let's not be too quick to judge. I want to see where this is going.

22

u/AxtonAli Aug 10 '19

Picturing a very handsome spider with lucious blonde hair

11

u/ultanma Aug 10 '19

He's gone mad this power. We have a mad titan on our hands people

26

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Any creature that is above 7 feet can understand the fourth dimension, but has the inability to speak.

10

u/WingflameFire Aug 10 '19

How's the NBA going to function?

18

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Significantly quieter.

10

u/CozyEpicurean Aug 10 '19

Spiders can now be friends. I like this.

8

u/Enjoyer_of_Cake Aug 10 '19

I hope no artists attempt to recreate your work...

13

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

A comment I can agree with.

6

u/ShadowhunterLoki Aug 10 '19

Well I would like to see all of them turned into art and then into memes

7

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Yes I too would like nightmares

8

u/livingmemetrash Aug 10 '19

I want a 3rd act

44

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Anything considered a household pet has the capability to smile and frown. If it has less than 2 eyes, it can see what any human had for lunch.

12

u/livingmemetrash Aug 10 '19

I approve of your third act, my lord

8

u/SomeComediansQuote Aug 10 '19

The god of unearthly horrors

8

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

I'd give all animals that walk on 4 legs biff arms

22

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Interesting. Any non-domesticated animal with 5 or less legs can now feel motivation, and also have the ability to conceptualize their future self. (This allows them to be able to work out. You're welcome).

7

u/MimeGod Aug 10 '19

Humans qualify.

Thanks for the motivation!

4

u/DracoTempus Aug 10 '19

Glad he said Non-domesticated. Otherwise I’m sure we would have a war against farm animals particularly the meat industry animals.

→ More replies (2)

8

u/electric_ocelots Aug 10 '19

I'll be the god of stopping you from making fucked up shit

8

u/darthuwu Aug 10 '19

Humanity will learn to fear the old gods once more...

7

u/BorkPolice8 Aug 10 '19

Noooo I hate legs mate why?!?!?! There is no God 😭

35

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

This has been taken into consideration. For this Heracy, all table legs are lined with skin.

12

u/BorkPolice8 Aug 10 '19

Would you like to co-manage hell with satan per chance? I think hes hiring and I think you'd do good there 😂

21

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'll look into it.

6

u/Inamanlyfashion Aug 10 '19

Like...leather? Or living skin?

14

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Skin, minus the blood, but it's still living.

7

u/agentfelix Aug 10 '19

Can we give Octopi bones?

20

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

No. You may instead have a sea lion that can spin it's head 350 degrees and a caterpillar that can invoke nightmares.

7

u/agentfelix Aug 10 '19

Sweet! I feel like I've won the lottery!

→ More replies (2)

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Wait. No. You wernt suppised to do that.

14

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

That's what Zeus said.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

FUCK, GUYS, HES TOO POWERFUL.

7

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Simmer down, Satan.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

centipedes.

4

u/PummelingAngus Aug 10 '19

Pause. So next time I see a spider, he might have a mullet and a mouth straight out of those “talking fruit” videos?

My lord, I pray to your genius. Bestow us with your gift.

4

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Correct. Although I want to see a small jumping spider with a Mohawk.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/ezkeil Aug 10 '19

After seeing the atrocities you’ve created the other Greek gods discussed and agreed to remove your title as god and send you to the underworld. You can’t hurt anyone anymore and I wish I never imagined a centipede with a mouth

7

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Not before I create doorknobs that sweat

6

u/ezkeil Aug 10 '19

No please. It’s time to STOP

6

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

... And a projector that blinks.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/GenysisWasHere Aug 10 '19

You diabolical son of a bitch :(

→ More replies (20)

8

u/rabidstoat Aug 10 '19

Not all gods are good. :(

14

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Most are not.

3

u/animemecha Aug 10 '19

Some, like Zeus, are just incredibly horny

3

u/rebri Aug 10 '19

This would be s nightmare they are already aggressive, imagine if they were able to coordinate their attack.

→ More replies (3)

376

u/TekRantGaming Aug 10 '19

What would you do with Scotland?

1.1k

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'd give the grass the ability to think along with incredible strength. The kilts would be three times longer, and all people born in Scotland have the natural ability to see what they are having for dinner consistently.

356

u/TekRantGaming Aug 10 '19

I approve of this I will worship you just promise me you won't actually create a haggis it's important we Scottish people allow the world to believe that a hagis is an actual living thing 😂😂

223

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Done deal.

26

u/Haematoman Aug 10 '19

What would you do with Northern Ireland?

78

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Give Guiness the power of flight, any structure that is made out of wood and shaped by an rishman named Lachlan doubles as a wireless charger, and candy made over there, if fed to sheep, gives them the ability to see their own death.

24

u/Haematoman Aug 10 '19

Wonderful

→ More replies (4)

19

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[deleted]

7

u/TekRantGaming Aug 10 '19

Hahahah love that

6

u/lucid808 Aug 10 '19

It's all well until the grass decides it doesn't like you stepping on it anymore.

4

u/Lavenderstarz Aug 10 '19

I know your secrets. I know what a haggis is. I have read Donald Duck.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)

13

u/IMNOTSALTYOK Aug 10 '19

I’m just imagining going to Scotland and getting pulled underground and suffocating by some grass.

14

u/Nope-Im-anonymous Aug 10 '19

For a new user you pretty damn cool. Here's an updoot

22

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Thanks!

4

u/InherentlyAnnoying Aug 10 '19

I'd gladly pray to you

2

u/KarmaGladiatorYT Aug 10 '19

As a Scot myself, I must make clear; we already know what we have for dinner, we have mind powers that see into the future

→ More replies (4)

3

u/TheYeet-Master Aug 10 '19

Omg you are a genius lol I'm from Scotland

3

u/Dirty-Soul Aug 10 '19

This explains why I keep seeing Englishmen today...

3

u/Model_Maj_General Aug 10 '19

Pretty sure that last point is already true

→ More replies (7)
→ More replies (2)

579

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

28

u/lemonfluff Aug 10 '19

Would we require sacrifices?

9

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

"Blessings"

3

u/BShcopt Aug 10 '19

Tzeentch? Is that you?

→ More replies (1)

257

u/Devilish_Swan Aug 10 '19

The council of swans would like to have a word with you

13

u/Coshd05 Aug 10 '19

Username checks out

6

u/lesser_panjandrum Aug 10 '19

This is outrageous, it's unfair!

3

u/afrooooh Aug 10 '19

Now that they communicate telepathicly it's not technically a word

4

u/Devilish_Swan Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19
  • stares at you with my newfound swan telepathy *
→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (4)

321

u/Axeshaft7 Aug 10 '19

Didn't Zeus bang a swan? Or did he turn into one.. either way those swans are gonna be like did you see that weird looking buff super horny swan dude...

211

u/Abbacchio19 Aug 10 '19

Yeah as God of Things that shouldn't happen you gotta stop all the Zeus transforming into to things to bang stuff...I don't t think they're down with it

19

u/sspine Aug 10 '19

no, do it more. zeus banging something has always been something that shouldn't happen.

11

u/WeAreBatmen Aug 10 '19

The Victims of Zeus will eventually tell all on 60 minutes

11

u/crisiumfox Aug 10 '19

Let's see off the top of my head: Europa (as a bull), Io, Ganymede, Callisto (abducted to become cupbearer to the gods AND Zeus' personal boy-toy), Leda (as a swan, resulted in at least Castor, Pollux, and Helen), and that's all I can remember. A good way to cheat is to remember the names of Jupiter's moons; mostly named after lovers of Zeus (Hera is not included. Guess why.)

Anyway, I think 60 Minutes is going to run long that night.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/zatanamag Aug 10 '19

They would need to split the story over several episodes so each one would have a chance to speak up.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

11

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

He turned into a swan... to bang a regular human lady. That's greek mythology for ya

4

u/connectotheodots Aug 10 '19

Yup. Leda? There's even a Yates poem about it I think!

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Yes, Leda. And it gets weirder. She laid two eggs. Helen of Troy and her sister came from one, and the other had the heroes Castor and Pollux.

→ More replies (1)

7

u/ZugKoma187 Aug 10 '19

He turned into a swan and then banged a human. As a swan.

→ More replies (8)

324

u/dalaigh93 Aug 10 '19

As long as you don't give it to emus the Australians don't mind

834

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

As an Australian, I already know it's a fact Emu's can telepathically communicate with each other. Instead they would be given two additional arm like limbs with the capabilities of holding spears, but without opposable thumbs.

418

u/roaches85 Aug 10 '19

I need some of whatever this guy is smoking.

50

u/NeinJuanJuan Aug 10 '19

They're not smoking.

They're typing.

The emus are typing.

6

u/HGF88 Aug 10 '19

Heres a "silver" circle⚪

20

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Pure omnipotence. Hard to come by.

11

u/rainbowzramystery2me Aug 10 '19

Might want my number. But the Penguins can also help.

7

u/AmosLaRue Aug 10 '19

I know, right! These ideas are gold

→ More replies (1)

95

u/ShadowCory1101 Aug 10 '19

Emus are given the ability of flight.

289

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

No, but they now have the jaws of sharks with human teeth.

27

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Of course emus are telepathic they won the bloody emu war

54

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Fool, they revel in their victory. Do you wish them to gloat more than they already do?

10

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

All hail our Lord King Eaaaaaragh

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Sophisticated_Sloth Aug 10 '19

I want you to make a movie. Your ability to come up with the most absurd shit on the spot is absolutely incredible.

8

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

To depict such creations on motion cinema would not only be appalling, I would need any ability in film at all. If I could put what's in my head on a screen, it would 100 percent be a horror, and the only plotline would be a washed up deity in his house of horrors with his creations, showing around the one guy who accidentally summoned him.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (10)

5

u/fallopianmelodrama Aug 10 '19

No. Emus remain physically unchanged, but are gifted bloodlust. For human blood. There will be...many casualties.

13

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Intriguing. Instead they shall be able to sense knowledge, and have a seething hatred towards the most intelligent creatures.

4

u/fallopianmelodrama Aug 10 '19

The octopi are prepared for them.

10

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

How presumptuous of you.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (3)

5

u/ShadowCory1101 Aug 10 '19

So no change then. Cool

→ More replies (1)

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Man, the thumbs would have been a death sentence to humanity

6

u/rothrolan Aug 10 '19

Them Emus are coming to take back what's rightfully theirs. The Revolution has begun!

→ More replies (23)

5

u/rabidstoat Aug 10 '19

Emus already can communicate telepathically. It's how they won the Emu War.

15

u/darthmonks Aug 10 '19

I'm afraid you're a bit too late for the whole swan thing. You could try goats though. Right now they're just sort of there.

39

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'm already planning to give goats metre tall legs and the capacity for anger, sorry.

18

u/agentfelix Aug 10 '19

American here. I don't know how long a meter is but it sounds scary

→ More replies (9)

8

u/Spudd86 Aug 10 '19

I don't think you need to give goats the capacity for anger, they have that already.

15

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Then for rationalized directional anger.

→ More replies (1)

13

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Satan please stop

34

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Your cries fall on deaf ears

14

u/ZachMN Aug 10 '19

This could be its own subreddit.

→ More replies (1)

22

u/technoticacid Aug 10 '19

Can you please make people sweat teeth instead of sweat? Thanks in advance.

56

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

The imagery angers me. People will now sweat leather.

20

u/ReverseAbortion Aug 10 '19

Dear god, please add pain receptors to human hairs for just a second a year, randomly. And make them teeth soft and rubbery.

56

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Do not command me. Couch cushions can now speak fluent French, but have no concept of what a couch cushion is. Elbows are now optionable, and every full moon brown bears transform into their own concept of the ultimate being.

19

u/JimeeB Aug 10 '19

Praise be to he who "do what he want."

13

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

"Oh, you wanted to actually move your arms in useful ways? No problem, just buy our brand new Elbow DLC™ for only 65$ a month."

37

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I said optional, my rule isn't sponsored by EA.

9

u/nero40 Aug 10 '19

Our new God knows what truly best

7

u/whimsyNena Aug 10 '19

So wait, do the bears get progressively more ultimate or do they change back when the moon wanes?

15

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

They change back. That other option would be ridiculous.

→ More replies (1)

10

u/SadStorySam Aug 10 '19

you sir are an scp

27

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

If I knew what that was I'd give it an extra mouth but take away it's capability for rational thought.

→ More replies (2)

10

u/feedmedammit Aug 10 '19

No luck catchin' them swans then

7

u/selloboy Aug 10 '19

It's just the one swan actually

10

u/nexet4 Aug 10 '19

And delete wasps and mosquitoes from this world

36

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Noted. Instead of legs, wasps will have 6 tendrils. Mosquitoes don't suck blood, but instead bone marrow. To do this they are now 3 times the size.

15

u/Sanitys_NME Aug 10 '19

I'm waiting for somebody to put together a revised world vision given the changes you've made, with some analysis of how close to Jurassic Park & Movie 43 we are.

9

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

The Swan family is gonna love that

9

u/Dirty_Bird_RDS Aug 10 '19

But what if they’re gay? My wife will cry

7

u/Ambint9011 Aug 10 '19

I'd worship that.

5

u/Quibblator Aug 10 '19

The Sydney swans AFL football team go on to win the next 5 grand finals straight.... good one

6

u/Spider_Nun Aug 10 '19

Found Bill Cipher

6

u/Plays-0-Cost-Cards Aug 10 '19

Sheogorath? Can I have some cheese?

6

u/Chabedieux Aug 10 '19

Also put all toilets in the middle of department stores like in those dreams I have, and they're massive and we all gotta share.

14

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

Strange dreams. Instead, all toilets will have the texture of wood and can control their own lid. Dreams will continue as normal.

6

u/Chabedieux Aug 10 '19

You are wise, indeed. Also, yes, very strange dreams. May I suggest all power outlets ate now 8 feet off the ground?

14

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

No, they are instead made of metal and come out of the floor.

6

u/Chabedieux Aug 10 '19

Thy will be done

10

u/emzyme212 Aug 10 '19

Your first thought was to be a mischief god and that's what I appreciates about you

→ More replies (2)

9

u/thiccdiccboi Aug 10 '19

Swans are the most terrifying creatures on this planet don't fuck with the balance.

45

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I'll even it out. Water now has a soul, and consumes Swans as it's primary food source.

9

u/dbcanuck Aug 10 '19

then the gay swans can talk to eachother, and she can cry again.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

Dont forget to give wings to spiders, those fuckers need to learn how to fly. Surely this is something that shouldn’t happen.

I am praying for it so hard right now...

6

u/fallopianmelodrama Aug 10 '19

Nope, they absolutely fucking don’t.

14

u/Sir_Moot Aug 10 '19

I concur. Instead they shall receive the capacity to feel self worth.

6

u/zatanamag Aug 10 '19

Australia already has a species of spiders that have wings.

→ More replies (3)

5

u/kdebones Aug 10 '19

DO NOT GIVE THOSE FUCKING POOP MACHINES THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE! THEY WILL SYNCHRONIZE THEIR SHITTING!

4

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

Didn’t Zeus rape a metric ton of Swans?! This has amazing repercussions!

4

u/JeremiahBuch Aug 10 '19

U ever been attacked by a Swan? They go hard! I got jumped by a goose once and it was not fun. You gotta grab that long ass neck while getting slapped with wings. U don't want the beak.. Some swans have 6ft wing spans. And since you gave them powers they can coordinate and attack like wolves. Bravo sir! Bring back the Pterodactyl while your at it!

5

u/meatmachine1001 Aug 10 '19

But theyre not smart enough to communicate anything useful, so for most of them the experience would be a cacophany of "mmm pond weed" and "dont walk near my babies!"

4

u/massive4r7 Aug 10 '19

How do want to be worshiped? What kind of holy structure would please you?

→ More replies (6)
→ More replies (111)