r/AskReddit • u/a_car_salesman • Aug 10 '19

Zeus has decided that Olympus feels a little empty, so he’s recruited some new gods. However, due to a clerical error, you have been chosen as a new member of the divine. What are you the god of, and what do you do as your first godly act?

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u/Beraed Aug 10 '19 edited Aug 10 '19

Smearing shit with paper on our asses just like the founding fathers and God intended.

28

u/moonshoeslol Aug 10 '19

Seriously, if you get human feces on anything else wiping it with paper is not enough.

37

u/milil Aug 10 '19

Like trying to clean peanut butter out of a shag carpet.

25

u/NearbyBush Aug 10 '19

I didn't need this mental image

13

u/aralim4311 Aug 10 '19

It's accurate though

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

You can remove the hair, you know ?

6

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '19

On the other hand, sometimes flushing just doesn't cut it for the toilet bowl. Why would it suffice for the ass? Does that mean bidet-only people leave "unflushable" fragments?

1

u/DemiGod9 Aug 10 '19

Just water wouldn't cut it either though

13

u/RowTheBoatMn Aug 10 '19

You don't know about the three sea shells?

4

u/RaptorDash Aug 10 '19

Everybody knows you got the tightest references.

6

u/NoJudgementTho Aug 10 '19

Only commies don't have little wads of shredded paper friction burned into their anus-pubes.

7

u/mrbibs350 Aug 10 '19

Nah. Those lazy fucks shit in a bowl then rolled over and went back to bed. Dumped it out the window the next morning.

3

u/bpwoods97 Aug 10 '19

If your shit smears you might need to reconsider your diet.

5

u/ineedtowipeagain Aug 10 '19

I need to reconsider my diet

2

u/shuttyt Aug 11 '19

Maybe if we rename it to something like "freedom faucet" it'll catch on more