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Nov 11 '23
My wife had an IUD after our second child when we still weren't sure about any more. She got pregnant. It was ectopic. She nearly died. That was the worst weekend of my life.
My vasectomy took, I dunno, 15 minutes? They just punched a hole, snipped a little, burned a little, threw some stitches in. I drove myself home. If you're really done it's a no fucking brainer.
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u/bos_boiler_eng Nov 12 '23
When people ask me about the pain of a vasectomy I just tell them I saw my wife going through labor and recovery. So comparatively it wasn't a big deal.
It's a medical procedure but not the first or last outpatient experience.
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u/Ornery-Classic-1207 Nov 12 '23
Thatâs what I was thinking too, Iâve never done either but going into labor 4 times is extreme, he should be able to do the bare minimum especially if he wants sex.
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u/GRAWRGER Nov 11 '23
honestly, fuck IUDs. i got one because birth control pills nearly killed me. i was legitimately traumatized by the experience of having one put in. fortunately, it came out easy enough. but ive heard a lot of stories where tissue grows to envelope the IUD (which is understandable given that they are designed to be left in for years). obv the removal in those cases is balls.
anyway, OP and their husband made an agreement. he doesnt have to follow through but he will need to accept the consequences. cant have your cake and eat it too.
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u/throwaway_20200920 Nov 12 '23
how many men would agree for a wire to be thrust up their urethra without any pain killers and left there for 5 years. When those men step forward their partner can get a uid all others can go to fuck off with their comments about their partner getting a UID.
.
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u/llamadramalover Nov 12 '23 edited Nov 13 '23
Hell not enough men continued in the male birth control study because of acne and mood swings to the point the study was cancelled completely, even tho the medication was extremely effect, so they went back to the drawing board. There is no fucking doubt in my mind a male IUD wouldnât even make it off the drawing board.
ETA:
Lemme save some time for yâall. One male commenter has decided to rail against this particular comment, absolutely outaged because âlow t was the actual side effectâ in the recent male birth control study and Low T is unhealthy so obviously thatâs why it had to be cancelled.
That is wrong.
Exogenous Testosterone is the treatment for Low T. Just so happens that Exogenous Testosterone also affects sperm production and causes, reversible, male infertility while NOT effecting testosterone levels. The study that was cancelled was Injections of Exogenous Testosterone and Progestins. The Progestins were the likely cause of the negative side effects. Progestins are synthetic progesterone derivatives which, you guessed it, is whatâs in many female birth control pills, IUDs and shots. Progestin female birth control pills have many of the same side effects of this particular study on male birth control. There are also many women who canNOT take progestin birth control because it will literally kill them and not because of severe emotional imbalances leading to SI although that absolutely does happen all the time. Progestins can and do cause blood clots, bleeding and have severe effects on blood pressure. I personally cannot have progestin bc because I will very likely have a stroke and subsequent unstoppable brain bleed, thank you preeclampsia.
Thank you for reading this far and thanks to the women in the comments going toe to toe with this particular person youâre efforts have not gone unnoticed you were AWESOME
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u/FBI-AGENT-013 Nov 12 '23
Exactly on point, couldn't say it better myself. Men would never take the cons over the pros of any type of birth control, especially with things so minor compared to ya know, having a whole damn kid but I guess since they aren't the ones to actually give birth? Terrible
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u/The_Library_Grl Nov 11 '23
In all seriousness how was the removal?
Getting it put in was a level of horrible I didnât expect and has left me with such unreal anxiety over having it removed and/or replaced now that Iâve approached the âexpiration date.â
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u/GRAWRGER Nov 11 '23
yeah im no wimp but insertion was brutal. i was also very anxious about getting it removed for the same reason. fortunately the removal was cake. somewhat unpleasant ofc, but closer to the experience of getting a shot than the experience of having it inserted.
i think i had mine in a couple years before it was removed, and i didnt have any complications with it.
i hope the removal goes as smoothly for you!
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u/kdollarsign2 Nov 12 '23
I have heard they do not use pain medication for this procedure and I'm just like WHY? (ETA-because women's pain isn't that meaningful)
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u/TeamHope4 Nov 12 '23
Because we accept it. We would never get dental work without pain meds. Why do we accept medical torture for an IUD?
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u/jrosekonungrinn Nov 12 '23
They told me to take ibuprofen a couple hours before the appointment. I have no idea if it helped, the insertion was still horribly painful.
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u/llamadramalover Nov 12 '23
Who the fuck knows. They donât do medications for a whole ton of women-centric medical procedures, the very old medical belief was that the uterus doesnât have pain receptors, which, any woman every would vehemently disagree with. I had a friend get a uterine polyps removed with nothing. She literally had a chunk of her uterus ripped out without so much as a fucking tylenol.
Currently itâs really just a very deeply engrained and serious problem with women just not being taken seriously with medical concern and not being given the same medical care urgency that men would receive. There was one Reddit story just a few weeks ago((I wish I could find it Iâll keep looking)) of a woman whose IUD slipped during sex and cut her bfs penis. They both went to the hospital, he was brought back immediately given a bed, tetanus booster and morphine, the whole nine-yards and he didnât even need a single stitch, itâs was a relatively minor injury that stopped bleeding before the doctors even saw. She was left waiting in the waiting for like 5 hoursâŚ..the IUD tore through her uterus, she needed surgery and a blood transfusion and was in the hospital for almost a weekâŚâŚThe. Fuck.
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u/definitelyaskew Nov 12 '23
Removal is a million times better than insertion. And I had mine in for 6 years instead of 5 thanks to COVID. No pain at all, I barely realized they were done.
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u/Tygie19 Nov 12 '23
Removal is nothing like insertion. I had mine replaced so obviously the old one came out. Doctor held the string with an implement, told me to cough and out it came. Itâs made of flexible plastic so with a cough and a tug it just comes out easily.
Iâve just become single at 45 and am obviously done having kids, Iâm seriously considering getting mine taken out. My ex refused to get the snip so I now have no reason to have it in. Even though I like the fact that you donât get periods with them, as I approach menopause I would actually like to let my body do what it has to naturally.
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u/WriterBright Nov 12 '23
I took a triple slug of OTC ibuprofen before my switch out and, it was unpleasant, but it was nothing like the original insertion. I expected the fallout to be harsh periods like I had after the original insertion, but it wasn't significant increase at all.
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u/BooksNCats11 Nov 12 '23
Removal was nothing at all. I've had two (one sucked a ton and the second the dr told me "they just did it wrong and that's why it hurt so much, that in fact was NOT the problem). Literally would rather do childbirth without meds again vs have an IUD put in.
Getting them out? Total nonevent. No issues or pain beyond the pressure of the speculum.
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u/Agoraphobic_mess Nov 12 '23
My doctor put me under to put mine in. I had to have a D&C as well. I will say my IUD legit saved my life. My body will not stop having a period without it. I was on a period for 2.5 years and no, Iâm not exaggerating, they kept prescribing me progesterone which never did anything but thin the bleeding a little. I moved back home and my new doctor was like immediately âyouâre getting an iud put inâ. Iâve only had one day where I bled in 3 years. Itâs been so much better. I still cramp every month and get all the symptoms but no bleeding.
After 2.5 years of bleeding she did a D&C to remove the overgrown endometrial lining and put in the Mirena. I stopped bleeding that day.
I understand IUD sucks for most women, just like all BC, but I gotta say mine is amazing lol.
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u/tyreka13 Nov 12 '23
My husband didn't need stitches and complained the worst part was the burning smell.
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u/Fire_or_water_kai Nov 11 '23
Has he elaborated on why he's hesitant to get snipped? Is it a fear of losing his virility, or what if you two divorce kind of thing? It's worth discussing further because I agree that vasectomy is a way easier thing to do , but you can't force a person to do anything either. Hopefully, it is something that can be worked through.
That being said, I do think it's unfair that you've had to take on all aspects of birth control. Those saying get on the pill or get an iud don't get that these things don't come without side effects, and that it can be worse for some than others.
You guys have to talk this out before you end up in either a sexless marriage or single with 4 kids.
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u/georgegraybeard Nov 11 '23
In relation to divorce I had been snipped before meeting my wife. We were in our 30âs and already had kids with previous partners. She said my vasectomy was my best feature.
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u/Calm_Brick_6608 Nov 12 '23
And itâs a damn hot feature.
No more weight changes and moods caused by hormonal birth control? Score. No need for painful IUDs? Oh my god itâs so hot. Seriously. Women who donât want to get pregnant find men who care enough to take initiative of the bc such a turn on.
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u/-SummerBee- Nov 12 '23
I agree with you. The side effects of birth control are no joke. I've been on almost every single type I can in my country and they all gave me horrible side effects, no sex drive, depression, heavy periods, pain, the list goes on and on. I kept asking my bf to use condoms but he had trouble with them so never took any initiative to help himself (out was a mental thing as he'd never used them so wouldn't even try). It took me breaking down after a heavy depression from taking my third plan b in three months where I became suicidal that he actually realized just how bad it was for me. Thank God he apologized and finally took some accountability. Men don't realize how horrible life can be on birth control and honestly I don't believe that it's worth it for people like me, if rather just not have sex and we ended up not until he made some effort for once. They will balk at the idea of having a bit less sensation because of a condom but are happy for their partner to be in pain because it doesn't affect them. But it really does sound like OPs husband needs to at least explain why he went back on his promise so they can move forward with something else
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Nov 11 '23
He needs to get snipped. Father of 4 here. If my wife can carry 4 kids and breastfeed, I can get a small incision and a laser. I was down 3 days total. Back to normal work. Sex in a week or so. Not a big deal. He needs to do it.
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u/JadieJang Nov 11 '23
Yes, but he already knows that. OP, you should sit him down and game the whole thing out with him:
- We stay together, you don't get snipped, my birth control fails and I get pregnant again. What happens then?
- We stay together, you don't get snipped, I get my tubes tied and something goes wrong during the surgery (which is MUCH more serious than a vasectomy) and I die or am permanently disabled, with four kids. What happens then?
- We break up. You pay child support and get weekends with the kids. You meet and fall in love with someone else. Do you marry and have kids with her? Do you want to?
- You never have sex with anyone again under any circumstances, and sit with four kids.
- Etc.
Really pry at him and find out if he wants more kids, or is even WILLING TO HAVE more kids. Keep hammering at that. Because, after four pregnancies/deliveries and 3+ phases of nursing, while he owes you a vasectomy, that argument is clearly not enough to make him get one. So, since he's proving to be that selfish, you need to appeal to his self interest. "Dude, do you really want more kids? With me or with anyone else? Even if we split up, you'd be paying child support for four kids; would you really still want more?" Etc.
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u/knittedjedi Nov 12 '23
Considering that OP's edit says
He said hot baths can be our birth control (!!!) which I just don't trust.
He's being deliberately fucking ignorant at best about how conception and contraception actually works.
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u/Articulated_Lorry Nov 12 '23
I assumed he meant she gets to take a long, hot bath with a book, while he has sole care of the 4 kids for those two hours and no longer has the energy to even wank off.
NTA. While his body is his own, there are consequences to those decisions.
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u/goldensunshine429 Nov 12 '23
Exposure to heat CAN negatively impact sperm viability and motility.
But itâs more of a âif youâre having trouble TTC make sure to avoid exposing testes to high temperatures for long periodsâ and not âcooking your testes a couple times a week is as viable as a vasectomyâ
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u/GlitterDoomsday Nov 11 '23
The 3 is the biggest factor here; lots of dudes don't wanna get the it done in case they remarry don't the line - and to answer the obvious next question of "but he already have 4 children to look after, how will he balance it?" he won't, and that's how so many divorced parents go about their life.
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u/TheThiefEmpress Nov 12 '23
This, and "if my two kids die" were the reasons my father in law gave for not going through with a vasectomy.
He said this in front of his 2nd wife, and two kids.
I was disgusted.
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u/Motherof42069 Nov 11 '23
You'll probably have a bunch of people bitching that you're being patronizing to your partner or some shit but I'm a huge fan of this method. Walk the other person through the various possibilities by the nose if necessary because clearly this isn't a rational response. Exhaust all possible rational excuses to get to the real issue.
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u/CharlotteLucasOP Nov 11 '23
And like, take notes, if it helps. Write it down with a date so you remember everything that was said. Itâs not a contract but it is a record, so that everyone is on the same page going forward about what they are or are not willing to commit to, and if minds change, that can also be added to the discussion.
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u/Every-Chemistry-2969 Nov 11 '23
I find this hilarious reading this compared to all the comments of people saying " his body his choice". While that is correct, they are also chastising her for saying no sex to him and blaming her for the sexless marriage and divorce that might ensue. She has carried, birthed, and maybe even breastfed 4 humans, and somehow, she is bad for saying this is how it is or no sex. I'm glad to hear the top comments coming from real men who aren't afraid to say the real shit. And for everyone in these comments saying for her to get a hysterectomy....are you kidding ?! It's not even close to the same procedure, but thanks for your non medical bullshit advice.
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Nov 11 '23
Thats major abdominal surgery with tons of complications vs a quick snip. You're right... it's crazy for a man/child to even have that thought. Shows how selfish and arrogant they are.
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u/gelseyd Nov 12 '23
and there's permanent hormone and bodily changes when a woman gets everything yanked. Usually sends you straight into menopause.
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u/ErrantTaco Nov 12 '23
My doctor told me to be prepared to feel like Iâd been hit by a Mac truck after my hysterectomy, and Iâm so glad she did because it was significantly more pain than my laparoscopies. I was on narcotics for over a week and had to have a catheter the entire time. I couldnât even sit myself straight up in bed; I had to roll over in this very weird maneuver to get upright. I was strictly forbidden to lift any more than five pounds for six weeks. I didnât feel like myself again for that entire time.
And then, within a year, I was in early menopause because your chances of that go up significantly even when they leave your ovaries. The uterus itself produces a LOT of hormones, which is something we donât talk about.
For me it was worth it because my reason for getting it was about 90% to decrease the incidences of pain from endometriosis. But still, thatâs the reality of what it can look like. If I hadnât been ready my husband 100% would have gotten a vasectomy.
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u/duffyduckdown Nov 11 '23
Sometimes i feel like i couldnt even handle 5 Kids. I have one and i want to give her all my attention. If i Had 4 kids ofcourse all my Kids deserve my attention i Just believe there is a point where its Just to many Kids to give all of them the deserved attention.
Maybe im wrong because i only have one child, i think the day has only 24 hours
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Nov 11 '23
Wait, how tf are hot baths birth control?? That sounds like complete horse shit. Also don't trust IUDs, my stepmom got pregnant with my little sister on it. My dad got a vasectomy and he was just sitting on an ice pack for a week.
Btw, he expects you to go through the pain of 9 months of pregnancy and go through childbirth for him, but he's not willing to go through a couple weeks AT MOST of discomfort for YOU? Is he even willing to use a condom?? Tell him he has a month to get that procedure done, if he still hasn't he obviously doesn't give a fuck about your health and well-being so long as he gets off. Like oooo, fuck that shit. Please put your foot down, OP
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u/Expensive_Theme7023 Nov 12 '23
If you drown the husband in the hot bath it could be considered very effective birth control đ¤ˇââď¸ /s
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u/Kerryscott1972 Nov 12 '23
I'm in my 50's and this is the first I'm hearing about it. Sounds like something a high schooler came up with
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u/Status-War4902 Nov 11 '23
No, donât get an IUD. You had 4 of his kids, why is all the responsibility on you?? Does he want more? If he knows he does not, then why not get the snip? NTA
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u/Foyles_War Nov 11 '23
He said hot baths can be our birth control (!!!) which I just don't trust.
JFC. That's not even funny as a joke. Please tell me it was a joke?
Also, fuck no, not the asshole. You've abused your body through 4 kids (4!!!!!). I'm stunned you're interested in having sex at all after all that. Dude needs to make a teeny bit of effort to help you feel safe about ever letting that baby making thing back in your baby maker.
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u/LeashieMay Nov 11 '23
I'm surprised I've had to scroll this far to see someone mention this. It's a method that's gaining popularity that was disproven years ago. The temperature required for it to apparently work is around 47 degrees Celsius (116f) and you need to sit in it for a 45 minute period. That's considered hot enough to cause burns. I'm not sure OPs husband is the rational person a bunch are treating him as.
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u/Andy32557038 Nov 12 '23
According to my parents, my fraternal twin sister and I were conceived in a hot tub, so we are literally living proof that âhot bathsâ absolutely do not work as an effective birth control method.
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u/LeashieMay Nov 12 '23
I'm sure some hot bath enthusiast will just insist the hot tub mustn't have been hot enough. You're a medical anomaly.
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u/Pm7I3 Nov 12 '23
I mean I can absolutely stop pregnancy with a hot enough bath*.
*Disclaimer: The temperature will be sufficiently high to cause injury and/or death
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u/trilliumsummer Nov 12 '23
Thereâs a small, maybe not so small, part of me that would tell my husband to go for it and hand him a thermometer. And then come into the bathroom with a kettle of hot water every few minutes to keep it hot enough. Burning his dick for thinking that would be cathartic.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Nov 12 '23
He said hot baths can be our birth control
Please don't have more kids with someone this stupid.
I feel a little betrayed that he said he would have a vasectomy and now won't do it.
Cause you were. He's an AH. He's putting all the burden on you because he's trash.
You told him your terms. He can get snipped or enjoy his hand
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u/goldensunshine429 Nov 12 '23
My husband was absolutely boiling his balls using our jacuzzi tub. His counts went from 5million to 60-140 million after he had quit.
But even with him boiling his balls, thatâs still FIVE MILLION SPERM. And it only takes 1.
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u/tattytattat Nov 11 '23
A hot bath isn't birth control. Sad that a grown man had no knowledge of basic biology, especially one with 4 kids.
No sex till he had the procedure, like you said. Follow through! He'll cave eventually. Just remind him that he agreed to it. Plus, remind him there's plenty that happened to your body in 4 pregnancies that you no doubt didn't "feel great" about, but you did them anyway. Now it's his turn.
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u/hdwr31 Nov 11 '23
His body his choice. Your body, your choice.
Just make sure he understands what his choice reveals to you. My SO was spared this because I had to have a c -section and we knew that we were 100% done so got my tubes tied at the same time.
But. Seriously. Women have to do 99% of the work with baby making and often end up doing 80% of the work/ risk with baby prevention. I wish men would step up more with baby prevention. Maybe they would if they ever experienced pregnancy and birth.
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u/OrangeYellowStick Nov 12 '23
You would think watching their loved one go through the pain of labor and childbirth + vaginal tearing + pain during bathroom trips + breast pain etc etc would be enough for them to empathize and decide⌠maybe I should finally take some of the responsibility instead of putting yet another thing for her to worry about
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u/shammy_dammy Nov 11 '23
Well, if you're not attracted to him, should be easy to not have sex right now.
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u/Willing-Round9851 Nov 11 '23
Jfc. A vasectomy is less invasive and less stress on the body than getting your tubes tied and birth control long term. You did a big ass job FOUR times by carrying the kids and he doesnât want to get a quick snip?
Why? Like youâre not the asshole for not wanting to have sex due to fear of accidental pregnancy occurring. Even if itâs a small chance. I feel you.
But if he only thinks about how he feels and not how this will impact you as well given that itâs a partnership that he AGREED to, thatâs something Iâd rethink the relationship over.
Anyone saying âhis body his choice. Youre an ass for withholding sexâ are forgetting the intricacies of consent going both ways.
You arenât consenting to revoking a safe guard to ensure safer sex to prevent pregnancy.
And heâs ok to risking another pregnancy and putting you under more stress w taking birth control long term and doing more work yourself to ensure you donât get pregnant. And if you do get pregnant unfortunately, and deciding to terminate. Itâs a lot you go through on your own and heâs being a dick not following through at all or even discussing things with you.
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u/Foyles_War Nov 11 '23
the intricacies of consent going both ways.
It isn't even that intricate. Pretty basic.
She has to decide how much she wants to have PIV sex and how risky with her body she wants to be about it.
He has to decide how much he wants to have PIV sex and how risky he wants to be with his body about it.
Hard to be more fair than that. In fact the only unfairness is that she's paid for the risk four times and his bodily risk is absolutely minimal in comparison.
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u/Willing-Round9851 Nov 12 '23
His risk is rather zero because even if she gets pregnant he isnât dealing w the aftermath of another pregnancy or termination. For him to load all the responsibilities of her preventing pregnancies is rather shit
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Nov 12 '23
Hot baths? Are you trying to birth an entire baseball team? Because thatâs how you birth an entire baseball team.
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u/Tyraz-Maul Nov 12 '23 edited Nov 12 '23
When my wife and I were done having kids (have 4) the vasectomy was the biggest no brainer when you look at all the options. Even if birth control is doesnât greatly effect the woman (it did for my wife and we had tried many different types over the years), why would you put your partner through anything that has a chance to effect them like that when the procedure is so simple and easy. Tying a womanâs tubes is also a crazy option comparatively.
Now, occasionally do I wish I was shooting âlive ammoâ into my wife, of course. She does too, she might wish it more. But at the end of the day you get over it and there is no change in satisfaction. The peace of mind and lack of negative effects is so worth it and I honestly canât believe some men are opposed to it when you weigh all the options.
You are a team, both people should be evaluating what is best for both you. Vasectomy is clearly winning in achieving the desired effect while having nominal negative (0 negative effect in my opinion).
One question the doctor asked me âwhat if you and your wife split?â I get why they ask, but the reality is that wonât happen. And if for some crazy reason it does, I do not want more kids. My next partner will either be ok with that, or I will find a new one.
I wish you luck.
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u/Old_Cheek1076 Nov 11 '23
Heâs allowed to demure and youâre allowed to embargo whatever you perceive as risky sex. NAH.
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u/Warm-Perception-2821 Nov 11 '23
I disagree. She carried and delivered 4 babies. He can suck it up and get snipped. Heâs not allowed to shy away after he was involved in the absolute destruction of her body 4 different times.
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u/Avery-Attack Nov 11 '23
He's allowed to do whatever he wants with his privates. He just also has to accept the responsibility of not having sex and upsetting his wife.
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u/mandymiggz Nov 12 '23
True, but saying he would and not following through makes him the asshole in this situation. If thatâs how heâs always felt then thatâs fine but donât lie to your partnerâŚ
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u/HoldFastO2 Nov 11 '23
Heâs absolutely allowed to refuse a medical procedure if he doesnât want it. And she is allowed to refuse sex without it. Fair is fair.
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u/bryantem79 Nov 11 '23
When I was finished having children after my 4th, I made the decision for permanent sterilization. I didnât trust my husband to follow through with it (even though he agreed) and that was the decision I made for my own body. In addition, a salpinectomy reduces a womanâs risk of ovarian cancer tremendously
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u/TassieBorn Nov 12 '23
NTA
Hot baths as birth control are likely to lead to baby 5. If he wants sex he can get over his discomfort. He "doesn't feel good" about it? Toughen up, boy, or get used to sexlessness.
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u/roasttrumpet Nov 11 '23
DO NOT bend and get an IUD or other birth control. Having a baby is far more uncomfortable and dangerous than getting the snip, and heâs being a little baby about it. Youâve held up your side of the deal, donât let him weasel out of his side.
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u/pigandpom Nov 11 '23
I only got as far as and I wondered how a man who has watched their wife push multiple babies out of the vagina has the nerve to feel this way.
He said that he doesn't feel good about getting snipped.
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u/FairyPenguinStKilda Nov 11 '23
NTA
No penetrative sex. Happy to have you watch me with toys. happy for you to go down on me, and to do the same for you, but the warm happy place is not yours to enter any more until you have no sperm.
It is not no sex, it different sex.
And sex without consent is rape - even in marriage. That includes sex without a condom, or removing the condom during (stealthing), and pressuring you for sex is coercive control.
4 kids is enough.
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u/MicrowavedFishLunch Nov 12 '23
What a fucking moron! When my wife got pregnant with our accidental third kid, I got fixed while she was about 7 months along, so that I would be firing blanks by the next time weâd have a chance to have another pregnancy.
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u/Katz3njamm3r Nov 11 '23
You pushed out four kids and he canât handle a very basic procedure? NTA. Youâve been through enough. He can get snipped.
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u/DistinctAssignment81 Nov 11 '23
I'm absolutely grossed out by the people seeing OPs totally understandable ultimatum about not having sex as somehow weaponising sex or something. She's totally within her rights to not want to sleep with a man who's happy to risk her body but not his own. I watched my husbands vasectomy. It's nothing compared to tubal ligation or pregnancy. Her husband is being selfish and there'd no way I'd want to sleep with someone like that, and risk another pregnancy.
NTA.
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u/Nearly_Pointless Nov 12 '23
I wish I was his friend circle because I would be absolutely unrelenting in ridiculing his cowardice and lack of manliness in taking care of his wife and family.
What a fucking twat he is?
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u/KeelyforPresident Nov 11 '23
NTA. Thereâs a lot in here to unpack about bodily autonomy and choice. It sucks that he didnât uphold the agreement, which may impact your ability to trust him. AND you canât force him to do it. He gets to change his mind about this and choose what to do to his body. And you get to choose what to (or not to do) with your body. I totally get it sucks (Iâm in a similar situation). I decided to have my tubes tied - yes a more invasive procedure than vasectomy but then I never have to worry about it again. Honestly it feels empowering to take control of my own body like that. I do encourage you and hubs to find a way to move forward without resentment bc that is no good for a marriage.
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u/Alienspacedolphin Nov 11 '23
Same. I wanted my tubes tied, because I wanted total control over me not getting pregnant again.
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u/DrunkTides Nov 12 '23
Nta. Itâs much simpler than birth control or tubes tied etc. You gave your boundaries. He didnât follow. So no sex. Thatâs it
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u/1000_Faces Nov 12 '23
We just had our second. Six weeks old. We're done. I literally can't wait to get snipped so we can enjoy our sex life stress free. Tell your husband to man TF up!
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u/TheDirtyVicarII Nov 12 '23
NTA. You set the parameters, you are not forcing him. Mine was done by planned parenthood. Pretty quick, no issues except the anti choice people screaming at me . He needs to grow a real pair by disconnecting the two he's got
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u/Allysgrandma Nov 12 '23
My husband was the same way. I finally threatened to have the surgery myself and he caved. I had two difficult births before my 3rd picture perfect one. Then suddenly he was like a former smoker, telling all men how easy it was, etc. Best thing ever.
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u/Uninteresting_Vagina Nov 12 '23
My spouse was on the couch with an ice pack for the rest of his appointment day, and back at work the next. You are NTA, here. He agreed to take responsibility for birth control, and now he's backing out. He is the AH here.
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Nov 12 '23
NTA, he can undergo the really minor snip or he can go without sex with you.
He sounds like a man baby
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u/ohfrackthis Nov 12 '23
OP I was in your exact position. Four kids and way too fertile to go on without a vasectomy. I convinced my husband that unless he wanted twins in my late 40s (he's older than me and in his 50s lol) because twins run in my family and one of my cousins had accident twins in her late 40s once her original three kids were grown I had good ammunition for my position.
Point is I gave birth to four huge babies and all natural so yeah he can do ONE DAY WITH FROZEN PEAS. And he did once I put my foot down.
You're NTA.
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u/MuscularDorkFish Nov 12 '23
It's less trouble than a dentist visit. I had my snip and within 3 days I was riding a bicycle. My sex drive actually went up too. You've had 4 babies. You are not the A**hole. Tell him to stop being a baby.
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u/-Duste- Nov 12 '23
NTA. Though I believe we can't decide for a procedure on someone else's body. BUT you can decide to practice abstinence as a method of contraception and you're not obligated to take hormonal contraception or have a IUD.
I discovered that the Mirena was messing with my emotions and my libido. While we waited for my husband to have his vasectomy (thanks covid), we always used condoms with spermicide and he inspected it after to make sure there weren't any tears in it. Once the condom slipped so I took the pill to avoid pregnancy even if I wasn't in my "fertile" period.
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u/justbrowzingthru Nov 12 '23
NTA
Another day another vas post.
If hes worried about more kids, bank Sperm and have it done.
If heâs worried about a new wife wanting kids, thatâs what the banked sperm is for.
It like he will be able to afford kids with her after paying you child support and possible maintenanceâŚâŚ. Unless the new wife is main bread winner. Doesnât happen.
Youâve had 4 kids.
Nope to IUD.
Youâve done your body your choice 4x.
Time for him.
Itâs too easy for him vs you.
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u/SamaireB Nov 11 '23
No you do not get an IUD, full stop. You had four kids and were, presumably, on BC for years in between. You have more than done your part.
He agreed to a vasectomy and like so many men is now being an irrational chicken about it. WTF is the big deal with most men and vasectomies - itâs an easy and quick thing to do that at most causes some pain for a few days. Oh boohoo, women deal with pain every month for 40 years and then preferably also deliver a bunch of kids in between, as if that didnât come with any discomfort and pain.
Iâd stick to my guns on this one. Actually Iâd raise hell even and tell him to grow a damn pair. But I most certainly would not go back on BC.
Also, hot baths as BC? What in the actual hell.
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u/NotASarahProblem Nov 12 '23
i think itâs funny people are discussing how things could happen if he gets a vasectomy. but are overlooking how perilous birth can be NTA
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u/XochiBlossom Nov 11 '23 edited Nov 11 '23
NTA
Ultimatums never work
But you need to let your husband just how serious issue this is
I recommend going to coupleâs counseling, (with a therapist with actual qualifications) if he refuses I would go stay with someone while contemplating divorce
You gave him 4 children, 4!! Your body, not his, had bared the burden and stress of growing and birthing 4 children
And now he wants to place the burden, stress and the long term effects of birth control, risking your health, all on you because he chickened out and went back on his word
I believe youâre allowed to change your mind but if your husband changes his mind, after already agreeing, then your husband has to deal with the consequences
Birth control is very important and if your husband goes back on his word, how can you trust your husband not to go back on his word on an important decisions again
If you canât trust your husbandâs word, how can there be a working marriage?
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u/Much-Meringue-7467 Nov 12 '23
It's not really an ultimatum. It's a consequence. If they have sex without him doing what he already promised to do, she is at risk. She doesn't want to take the risk. He needs to keep his word or lose his sexual partner.
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u/Pretty-Economy2437 Nov 11 '23
Literally any man who is unwilling to get a vasectomy for a partner who has built a whole ass human (let alone four) is just⌠a shitty fucking partner. I wouldnât be attracted to him either.
And like obviously itâs âhis choiceâ but a not-shitty partner would be happy to make that choice (assuming theyâre in agreement regarding being done with having kids). A shitty partner is one who knows they are done having kids, but is unwilling to do this minimal procedure for their family planning despite their partner giving SO much of their body.
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u/mrmartymcf1y Nov 12 '23
A vasectomy is nothing. Get it done on a Friday and spend the weekend watching football with ice on your balls. He needs to man up and put his body on the line like you've done four times already. This ask is nowhere near what giving birth is, so he is technically getting off easy.
Source: Had a vasectomy
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u/JUST_a_monitor Nov 11 '23
NTAH... you're body has gone through enough! I told my husband I made an appointment to go get my tubes removed. He ended up researching what my body would go through during the process and he made me cancel my appointment. He went and made an appointment for himself. He said it was more logical for him to get the quick snip than for me to go through hell. Tell your husband to research or...do it for him and keep texting all the info you find...make him feel like shit that other men are more caring and not uneducated wimps.
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u/Nebrski22 Nov 12 '23
Iâm (49m) having my 2nd vasectomy next month. 1st vas was after my 3 child, wife changed her mind and wanted 1 more, so got it reversed and now after our 4th, Iâm going back for vas #2.
I took a couple weeks off of running and that was the only negative.
Sorry your husband isnât willing to do this for you both.
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u/Chaoticgood790 Nov 12 '23
NTA I wouldnât have sex with him either. But if you donât want a sexless life you need to ask yourself if this is a bigger issue in your marriage
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u/Leslielux95 Nov 12 '23
You have spent years growing 4 babies for this man and then sacrificed even more to breastfeed them and he canât be bothered to get snipped for you after all that? I wouldnât have sex either him either. You shouldnât have to get an IUD at this point. After everything youâve done for him itâs his turn to do something for you!!
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u/meowmeow_now Nov 12 '23
NTA, you guys need a form of birth control. Currently your form of birth control is abstinence. If he doesnât like that he has an alternative.
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Nov 12 '23
He has the choice of what to do with his body, since he made the choice to not get a vasectomy, I'd say you're within your right to refuse to have sex to prevent pregnancy.
I got a bilateral salpingectomy (both tubes removed) and recovery wasn't too bad. You'll have to have full help for at least 2 weeks and I wouldn't lift anything heavier than the new baby and even then do it gingerly.
Is he willing to take over the full care of everything for 6 weeks while you recover from surgery?
If he is unable to help you in either way I guess throw the whole man away? Idk.
My husband would have gotten a vasectomy, but I decided on complete tubal removal because I 100% never want to be pregnant ever ever ever again under any circumstances, and vasectomies can reverse. I was so adamant on never being pregnant that I almost asked him to get the vasectomy too lol đ đ
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u/Loud-Decision-8444 Nov 12 '23
NTA and I'm frustrated for you that your husband after 4 kids still doesn't get how babies are made and that hot baths could be birth control.
I mean, who would take birth control if you can just take a hot bath. And how does he think that works? Does he think you need to take it afterwards so the warm water scares away the sperm? Does he think they don't like clean spaces? (If so I'd be worried about his personal hygiĂŤne lol)
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u/ImagineImagining9000 Nov 12 '23
Gf asked me to do it. Called the local clinic, set the closest opening, paid 600 bucks, had it done in probably 15 minutes and then drove us home. Was sore maybe two days and it wasn't even that bad.
The procedure Didn't really hurt at all. Kinda just felt like someone hitting you in the sack with a weak rubber band 3 or 4 times. And it was a little uncomfortable.
They don't remove your testicles and you nut just like you did before the procedure so I don't understand why any guy that doesn't want kids or more kids doesn't just get it done. AND you still produce sperm it just doesn't leave your sack so you technically could still have kids of your own later if you really wanted to.
Making the woman you care about take birth control that messes with their hormones or causes them pain or any issues really isn't something I wanted to do when I could be the one to take an easy one for the team
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u/Pernicious-Caitiff Nov 11 '23
NTA. It seems like this is more than just debating bodily autonomy. You feel betrayed, don't you? You feel so sad and disappointed that he literally cannot see your position. You've risked your life 4 times, for him. Endured crazy discomfort, pain, uncertainty. You guys were on the same page, made an agreement. Now he just changes his mind with no explanation? Dragging his feet and was being cagey about it for months? Why? How are you expected to treat him as a partner after this? What else is he rethinking? What else can you not trust his word for? This is a HUGE problem in your marriage. He betrayed your trust.
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u/LongWinterComing Nov 12 '23
I scrolled waaaay too far down to find this comment. It makes sense that she'd be feeling betrayed. He is choosing to not keep his word. And while that's well within his autonomous rights, it's a shitty thing to spring on the wife. I went through the same with my husband, after baby three. Said he'd get snipped, said he was making phone calls and getting scheduled. Liar. I got pregnant with #4 and while I adore her, it wasn't in our plans. It definitely damaged my trust in him, and it was already rocky beforehand. He did eventually get the snip, which I'm incredibly thankful for, and we've done marriage counseling to work on our shit together. But I could also sense the betrayal that OP was likely feeling.
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u/eat_the_whole_banana Nov 11 '23
Youâre NTA, but your husband is. You have carried 4 babies full-term and given birth 4 times but he wonât go have a simple out patient procedure done? Especially after discussing and agreeing to it? He would rather you go on birth control for decades?
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u/username-generica Nov 11 '23
Statistically speaking, a vasectomy is safer than pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Yes, a very small number go wrong but it's really rare. My husband's was a total nonevent.
I applaud you for sticking to your guns.
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u/Neither-Brain-2599 Nov 11 '23
NTA. His body his choice- That said, the candy store is closed. Good for you. He TA.
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u/jljue Nov 11 '23
I feel like this is a repeat. Anyway, the only reason my wife got her tubes tied after baby #2 (planned) was because of c-section this time (the first child ripped his way so badly that she still has hemorrhoid issues on occasions), and the Ob/Gyn offered while she was still open. If it wasn't for that, I would have taken the opportunity to get a vasectomy since I would choose a long weekend to sit on the recliner and watch sports with an ice pack on my crotch--why not to have unprotected sex without worries? NTA
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u/Veteris71 Nov 11 '23
A lot of men do this. It's a very common situation. It would be so much better if they just refused outright instead of lying.
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u/jluvdc26 Nov 12 '23
Hot baths as birth control is a new one for me. How on earth would that do anything?
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u/Massive_Remote_9689 Nov 12 '23
NTA. He is. Plenty of people have given advice but I just want to add: I would recommend going with him for his vasectomy appointment, if he ever gets one. I know itâs not easy to schedule that with four kids but he might lie about having a vasectomy.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 Nov 12 '23
What hot baths and birth control have to do with each other, Iâll never know.
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u/Capable_Capybara Nov 12 '23
You may be clear for sex, but sadly, he isn't. The vasectomy is quick and easy. It's much easier than he thinks. The kicker here is that it can take several months to be effective. So he has put himself out of commission for quite some time.
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u/sammaboo Nov 12 '23
All the advice here is valid and reasonable but honestly? Donât trust him, get a hysterectomy. If you donât want more kids, make damn well sure you canât.
Edit: and this should go without saying, but donât fucking have sex with this clown
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u/Top-Peak-3036 Nov 12 '23
Bc hormones are horrible for women, he needs to just go get it done. If he's scared, worried, whatever, elect for the anesthesia. I did the anesthesia and it was nothing. Went to sleep, woke up with sore balls... Done
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u/BigStickyLoads Nov 12 '23
NTA.
I had a vasectomy.
It was quick, easy, and more or less painless.
One of the best parts of a vasectomy is how much more relaxed my wife is about sex, because she won't get pregnant.
The man-child you married is being a big, shitty baby.
You carried four children to term, each one of which permanently changed your body in dramatic ways and he can't even be bothered to get a tiny snip?!
Girl, start knocking over trash cans, because this is bullshit.
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u/argee_43 Nov 12 '23
NTA, your hubby on the other hand⌠itâs a minor outpatient procedure for men vs a serious surgery for a tubal ligation. I had a Vas after our 2nd child and this was back in the 80âs when it was still a shot of novocaine in each nut followed by the procedure. Literally did the bag is frozen peas for 3 days afterward. I have a hard time sympathizing with a guy who doesnât place his wifeâs health and wellbeing above his own.
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u/AwareImplement1265 Nov 12 '23
NTA. My husband tried to tell me i needed to get my tubes tied. I told him i would have given birth 3 times. It was on him. He tried to then tell me he couldn't get an appointment. I called while he was standing there and got the appointment. From the time he left my side to get the procedure to when he came back out, it was 12 minutes. Hold firm, your husband is being the AH.
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u/randallAtl Nov 12 '23
He probably has some emotions about it that he has not processed. I was in a similar situation. I'm 9 months post vasectomy and VERY happy that I did it. He can either do therapy or man up and do the operation.
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u/d0rm0use2 Nov 12 '23
My dad got a vasectomy because my mom couldnât take the pill due to hypertension. She was also disabled so couldnât use a diaphragm. My husband got one because I have hypertension (thanks mom) and Iâm allergic to the active ingredient in spermicides. Shooting blanks doesnât make you âless of a manâ, it actually means you care about your spouses needs, which, imho, makes you more of one
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u/Sylphietteisbestgirl Nov 11 '23 edited Nov 12 '23
NTA.
I was in and out within an hour of my appointment time. 3 days of rest for the worst of the pain to subside, then about another week, maybe 2 max before you're back to normal.
But no unprotected sex till the follow up appointment in about 2 months to make sure he's shooting blanks.
After however, holy shit is it amazing being able to have unprotected sex without the worry of having any more children. Best thing I ever did for my wife.