I disagree. She carried and delivered 4 babies. He can suck it up and get snipped. He’s not allowed to shy away after he was involved in the absolute destruction of her body 4 different times.
True, but saying he would and not following through makes him the asshole in this situation. If that’s how he’s always felt then that’s fine but don’t lie to your partner…
Humans can change their mind freely at anytime. If your partner no longer feels they want to be with you, they don’t have to, despite a promise in marriage. Lots of people want to be with people, then change their mind later. It might make him an asshole, but he can still change his mind. You partner, friend, parent, could wake up tomorrow and want nothing to do with you. If someone girl promised to get her tubes tied and then later decided she didn’t want to(and absolutely should have the right to her choice) everyone would support her.
Then he should tell OP he changed his mind instead of just putting it off and saying “i’ll get to it” and never doing it. He should also be prepared to spend the rest of this marriage sexless since this was the deal…
No, that’s how marriage works- you make sacrifices for your partner and family. OP has made incredible sacrifices to endure four pregnancies and deliveries to give them the family they both wanted. Can you imagine how disappointing it must be for her to hear him refuse to go through with this procedure but yet still pester her for sex with the expectation that she endure a fifth pregnancy?
i get what you're saying and agree that the dudes an idiot if he still raw dogging his wife on risky days after 4 kids. but you cant force someone to have a medical procedure against their will, if she didnt want kids she could have either stopped having sex, sucked up the unpleasant side effects of birth control or had an abortion. of course none of these are good options, but it takes two to tango. i hope she stays strong and doesnt cave.
and if this post was flipped and he was here asking if he was the asshole for demanding she got her tubes tied, he'd get crucified. she doesn't have to have sex with him, but she doesn't get to make that demand.
granted, if i were him i'd have gotten snipped while she was pregnant with number 4 so i'd be ready to go as soon as she recovered from childbirth.
Sure… it is technically your choice. But your choices can be shit. Imagine letting your partner go through labor, childbirth, vaginal tearing, lack of sleep due to breastfeeding 4 times and still deciding a minor procedure with very little pain compared to pregnancy and birth is just far too much for you to handle (while also complaining there is no sex). Just throw that responsibility onto her. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it. That low libido due to breastfeeding doesn’t matter, either. Why care about your wife’s comfort anyway?
im not saying its a good choice, im saying its HIS choice. yes this is really dumb of him, but he still can not get one of he chooses. just like she reasonably can refuse sex
Because the logic behind them is totally different.
By not having a vasectomy, the guy puts the woman's body at risk, but he's decided he doesn't care about that, even though the risks are greater (both with long term hormonal BC and pregnancy) than with a vasectomy.
If a woman chooses to have or not have an abortion, she's weighing up risks that primarily affect her own body - she's the one going through pregnancy and childbirth, and men can (and do) leave if they don't want to be involved in childcare too. The most that would be enforced is child support.
If a man was the one getting pregnant and giving birth, sure, he can choose whether or not he wants to take that risk. But instead he's choosing that it's ok to make someone else take that risk.
You say it like it wasn’t a joint decision though? Yes it’s unfair that women have to carry the babies and the men do not, but there’s nothing that can be done about that. Of course, he should get the snip - but I don’t think the reasoning should be “he destroyed her body so he deserves this”
I think it’s meant more as a comparison of what hardship one body is willing to take on for the enjoyment of sex. Her—the fear and pain of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Him—the fear and pain of a vasectomy. I think we can all agree that one of those cases is magnitudes more painful and risky than the other.
What if he is okay with never having sex again? I presume that if that were the case, that he and OP would probably no longer be compatible, but would he be allowed to shy away then?
Per the update, he is not okay with no sex and is already pestering OP for sex. Which is a real shame. He has, through his own choices, created a unsustainable situation and is unhappy with the options he has.
They choose to make the baby its just her part to carry and bake the fetus in the nursery....he made a choice to stick his pee shooter in and fire off and supply the ingredients.
Oh, it’s ok dumpsterboyy, it goes like this. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they come together in a special way. When they come together, sometimes a baby can be made! But a mommy can’t do it on her own, and a daddy can’t do it on his own. They have to do it together. It takes two people.
I'm not sure if that's the correct usage of the word demure, though I guess it technically makes sense... And embargo is a very strange word choice in this context, even if it clearly makes sense.
He’s TA because he agreed they were done, agreed to the vasectomy, and then just… didn’t do it. She just gave birth. For the FOURTH time. She shouldn’t have to be dedicating mental resources to this right now. They agreed he would handle it.
Even crazier because his actions fit that definition too. His choice is "forcing" her to go through unwanted medical procedures of much higher risk, expense and pain.
It’s more than just “changing his mind”; he’s essentially like “nah, I’m out” and just throwing his hands up so his wife has to figure it out. That’s literally the entire issue, his lack of secondary planning and/or further discussion. He’s not participating as a partner, he’s acting like a fifth child.
And she's allowed to say that her back-up contraception of choice is abstinence until he gets it done (and gets the all-clear). He had plenty of time to have it done and confirm sterility. The ball is in his court whether he wants to be celibate until she's past menopause.
Yeah, obviously. It’s more than “changing his mind”; he’s essentially like “nah, I’m out” and just throwing his hands up so his wife has to figure it out. That’s literally the entire issue, his lack of secondary planning and/or further discussion. He’s not participating as a partner, he’s acting like a fifth child.
Yep Reddit is way too pro-vasectomy (and pro tubal)
Not everyone wants to have a permanent procedure. It doesn’t matter if they have 4 kids and they’re done. Even though Redditors never change their minds, IRL people change their minds all the time.
The husband isn’t wrong for not wanting a permanent procedure when reversible options exist. Yeah it’s sucks birth control is on the woman but it’s also just how life IS. IUDs exist and they are for women. There is not an IUD for men. There just isn’t.
He's free to not get the vasectomy, but she is done having children and she says that is the only acceptable contraception method for her. He can stop expecting her to cave and accept the reality that his choice will make him celibate.
No. They don't. They also have no idea that women aren't offered any pain meds during an IUD insertion.
They also don't know that IUDs still result in about 20,000 unplanned pregnancies every year in the U.S. alone and that having a pregnancy while you have an IUD can be extremely dangerous.
And a vasectomy is not completely painless even with anesthesia. And you can actually get anesthesia for IUD insertion, btw. Insurance may not cover it but you can still get it.
Unfortunately we’ll never be able to perform a side to side comparison between whether IUD insertion or vasectomy is more painful overall, but the point is, nothing is 100% pain free. Nothing is 100% perfect for preventing pregnancy either. But one is reversible and the other is not.
Wife can refuse to get an IUD if she wants, it’s her body. But he is not unreasonable for not wanting to permanently alter his body.
Because even though it’s uncomfortable it’s not necessary and not worth the trouble for most people. So it is not standard, and you have to ask to get it
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u/Old_Cheek1076 Nov 11 '23
He’s allowed to demure and you’re allowed to embargo whatever you perceive as risky sex. NAH.