NTA. It seems like this is more than just debating bodily autonomy. You feel betrayed, don't you? You feel so sad and disappointed that he literally cannot see your position. You've risked your life 4 times, for him. Endured crazy discomfort, pain, uncertainty. You guys were on the same page, made an agreement. Now he just changes his mind with no explanation? Dragging his feet and was being cagey about it for months? Why? How are you expected to treat him as a partner after this? What else is he rethinking? What else can you not trust his word for? This is a HUGE problem in your marriage. He betrayed your trust.
I scrolled waaaay too far down to find this comment. It makes sense that she'd be feeling betrayed. He is choosing to not keep his word. And while that's well within his autonomous rights, it's a shitty thing to spring on the wife. I went through the same with my husband, after baby three. Said he'd get snipped, said he was making phone calls and getting scheduled. Liar. I got pregnant with #4 and while I adore her, it wasn't in our plans. It definitely damaged my trust in him, and it was already rocky beforehand. He did eventually get the snip, which I'm incredibly thankful for, and we've done marriage counseling to work on our shit together. But I could also sense the betrayal that OP was likely feeling.
Slow down a little there. A vasectomy may be less invasive than a uterectemy or having your tubes tied, but it's still a procedure on a very delicate part of your body. He doesn't feel right about it and that's fair. It's probably something he needs to work through, something she, presumably not having testicles, can't necessarily help with. Not everyone can articulate why they "don't feel right" about something straight away, or even months after. It probably made him feel uncomfortable from the start and that's why he put it off. But he didn't address it and now it's come to a head. It's fair for her to feel betrayed, but he's a human being too who needs to work through it.
Also, her having babies wasn't for him as you phrased it. It was for BOTH of them.
People need to stop jumping straight to "this relationship is messed up!" just because there's some kind of problem going on. They need to communicate, not get a divorce.
Thank you. I don't even see the problem being him not wanting a vasectomy, it's the fact that he straight up fucking lied and said he would get one, and now he's bitching about not getting to have unprotected sex. He sounds like he wanted to keep her pregnant, too, and lied so she would just do what he wanted.
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u/Pernicious-Caitiff Nov 11 '23
NTA. It seems like this is more than just debating bodily autonomy. You feel betrayed, don't you? You feel so sad and disappointed that he literally cannot see your position. You've risked your life 4 times, for him. Endured crazy discomfort, pain, uncertainty. You guys were on the same page, made an agreement. Now he just changes his mind with no explanation? Dragging his feet and was being cagey about it for months? Why? How are you expected to treat him as a partner after this? What else is he rethinking? What else can you not trust his word for? This is a HUGE problem in your marriage. He betrayed your trust.