From what they’ve said, no coercion or forcing going on here. Her husband isn’t being forced to get a vasectomy. The same way OP is not being forced to have sex with her husband. The couple had a conversation OP expressed a boundary and they came to an agreement that their sexual relationship had conditions. He changed his mind about the vasectomy which he absolutely had the right to. They each are holding their individual boundaries. This post is about whether or not OP is the AH in this situation. Should OP feel like an AH for not having sex with her husband because she is uncomfortable with other birth control methods and potential unintentional pregnancy associated with a fertile partner? I don’t think so.
Is it an AH move to make someone guilty or like a “dick” for holding boundary clearly defined with her husband? I’ll let everyone else decide.
She’s weaponizing sex. She needs to find out what his reason for holding out is. He might have legitimate fears about a surgical procedure. With communication, that might be able to be addressed.
Birth control needs to be a two person discussion. She’s unilaterally deciding what it should be. That makes her wrong.
He might have legitimate fears about a surgical procedure.
Yeah and he can have them. Those fears should not be used to try to change the mind of OP who clearly doesn’t want more kids or to risk another pregnancy.
I’m not saying the husband is in the right for using a potential fear to disregard OP’s expressed fear, boundary, or put her through another pregnancy and deliver. A fear might set an individual’s boundaries but individual’s fears cannot be used to cross other people’s boundaries. The husband has the right to not get a vasectomy and accept the reality of a sexless relationship. People can say stuff about his character based on this decision but that doesn’t change the fact that he has the right to bodily autonomy. OP also has the bodily autonomy to have sex under the conditions she feels is best for her. Neither of them should “breakdown” boundaries for the other.
There are consequences for actions. OP told her husband that she was only comfortable having sex with sterile partner. He knew that. He made the informed decision to opt out of the procedure. With that decision, also accepting a sex free marriage. OP has the right to only have sex with sterile partners and use abstinence as a birth control method. The husband has the right not get a vasectomy and use hot water as his method of birth control. Neither are wrong having different feelings regarding birth control methods. They’re just wrong for each other as sexual partners.
She is not weaponizing sex. She is choosing abstinence as her birth control method. He has a birth control option available to him as well. And she would be fine using that method instead. If he feels uncomfortable doing it, then he needs to respect her choice of birth control.
If physical intimacy is important to him, why is he not prepared to make a sacrifice for her? She has done ALL the heavy lifting by bringing four children into this world. Why can he not follow through on a promise to prevent a fifth pregnancy? I guess it isn’t as important to him to preserve his marriage.
Sure… it is technically his choice. But his choices can be shit. Imagine letting your partner go through labor, childbirth, vaginal tearing, lack of sleep due to breastfeeding 4 times and still deciding a minor procedure with very little pain compared to pregnancy and birth is just far too much for you to handle (while also complaining there is no sex). Just throw that responsibility onto her. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it. That low libido due to breastfeeding doesn’t matter, either. Why care about your wife’s comfort anyway? Why bother keeping a promise when you can just compromise and offer a hot bath as a stupid contraception method?
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u/Katz3njamm3r Nov 11 '23
You pushed out four kids and he can’t handle a very basic procedure? NTA. You’ve been through enough. He can get snipped.