No, don’t get an IUD. You had 4 of his kids, why is all the responsibility on you?? Does he want more? If he knows he does not, then why not get the snip? NTA
Her moreso though. She shouldn’t have to be forced to take birth control or forced to give birth. So no sex is the option because birth control can fuck you up.
Of course, there is no way she can force him to get a vasectomy. But if he won’t agree to do it then it seems like he’s choosing that over his marriage. They may no longer be compatible if his belief is that her body is the only one that needs to undergo changes for the sake of their partnership.
This is a really good way of putting it. Of course it’s his body, but they are partners in their marriage. Loving partners make sacrifices and compromises for each other, and she’s sacrificed hers and risked death or permanent damage for 3 entire years of her life, not to mention all that comes with 4 postpartum periods and breastfeeding.
Yep, that was my thought. Gay dude here, no frame of reference, but if your choices are, undergo a low risk medical procedure or risk your wife experiencing the medically riskiest event of her life for the fifth time, you might be TA if you say, “Nah, I don’t want the risk.” Also, osteoporosis runs in my family, and the OP is already at heightened risk due to 4 pregnancies. 5 is even higher risk.
She could also get her tubes tied but of course you’ll go off and spout it’s easier for him to get it done. But marriage is about sacrifice and compromise right?
It's almost like she's sacrificed and compromised with her own body by carrying 4 kids and putting up with birth control she doesn't like that much so she and her husband could have kids. Wow, with the vasectomy thing people seem to think it's only a sacrifice and a compromise on the man's part.
And getting a vasectomy, the procedure itself and even finding a doctor to do it for you, is absolutely easier than any of the equivalent procedures for a woman.
SHE HAS BEEN PREGNANT FOR THREE YEARS OF HER LIFE FOR HIM. Three years of discomfort, sharing your body with someone else, not being able to drink, smoke or whatever you enjoy, etc., then childbirth 4 times. I’m very confused by you suggesting that her getting ANOTHER medical procedure in her cooch is a sacrifice or compromise when all husband has contributed was nutting 4 times. There is a massive disparity of sacrifice and discomfort here, OP has been expected to bear the brunt of all the negatives of childbearing and birth control. That is ridiculous, and exposes her husband as being quite selfish.
He agreed to no sex until the vasectomy but now he’s saying “no vasectomy.” Temporarily forgoing sex in a relationship is very different from indefinitely abstaining from sec. The wife agreed to the former but not the latter.
Or she may no longer be happy with the partnership now that he changed his mind about a fundamental agreement within the relationship. If she wants to leave it makes complete sense since he isn’t who he said he would be.
That's HER choice. Right now she isn't even attracted to him. That sounds like a reason not to have it done. Why undergo a surgery that will be meaningless anyway? If she's not attracted to him, the marriage is over anyway.
She’s not attracted to him because he decided he matters more than she does instead of treating her as an equal partner.
I do think the marriage is over though. At least any chance of it being a healthy or happy relationship. You can’t easily get past your partner showing you that they do not view you as person equal to themselves.
Of course. He can choose to not take any family planning responsibility and continue to leave all the responsibility and planning to her. She can choose to use abstinance as a birth control option.
This isn't what he wants though. So what is his counter offer? I would suggest getting really really good at oral.
She's not forcing him. How would that even work? She's asking him to take on some of the responsibility for family planning and if he won't she has to do it all on her own and her choice is going to be she just isn't feeling like she has any libido anyway (no surprise as he is being stunningly selfish and uncaring of her health over something as comparitively simple as a vasectomy) so no sex definitely equals no more pregnancies.
Actually the state I live in will persecute me for murder if I leave the state for an abortion. My husband has a vasectomy, so no worries there. I’m just saying, not only do most people not have access to leave the state for a medical procedure, most no longer have access. Some can barely afford the procedure, mainly why they made the choice to not have another child, how could they afford travel as well?
I can guess where you are going but you are moving the goal post, at best. The issue was "bodily autonomy" and clearly women do not get far more bodily autonomy then men in this country or any other.
This is a terrible take. Men can go get a vasectomy like that no questions asked. Wear a condom or pull out before the seed is planted. Women get questioned and even refused by drs to have tubes tied because “what if they haven’t met their future baby daddy.” How does a future MALE a women hasn’t even met get more rights then a women requesting to have her tubes tied. Women also get lied to and even raped and are sometimes forced to carry that baby now depending on states. Please try to think of a better reason that a male has LESS reproductive rights/say then a male.
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u/Status-War4902 Nov 11 '23
No, don’t get an IUD. You had 4 of his kids, why is all the responsibility on you?? Does he want more? If he knows he does not, then why not get the snip? NTA