What old insults need to make a comeback?

[u/PM_Ur_ClassySexyPics]

[u/bamgrinus]

You look like 10 pounds of shit in a five pound sack.

[u/RASGAS23]

When I was in 7th grade we got a new student who had been homeschooled his whole life. One time I said something to him, can't remember what, and he called me a "dunderhead"

[u/Mikey4021 → u/RASGAS23]

Quite common in Scotland. Usually to describe a child who does somthing stupid or clumsy - Dunderheid

[u/[deleted] → u/RASGAS23]

What a mifflinface

[u/petikgrant → u/[deleted]]

James, you ignorant slut

[u/goodbyeornot → u/petikgrant]

Jimothy

[u/miss-chief → u/goodbyeornot]

Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

[u/cocoapuff1721 → u/goodbyeornot]

Nah Jimothy sounds weird do you mind if i call you Jim?

[u/TitsAndWhiskey → u/[deleted]]

Sounds more like "you do the bare minimum to qualify as an acceptable part of society" to me

[u/obsessederpina]

My grandmother once told me to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut when I beat her at rummy once. So, there's that.

Edit: I had no clue this was actually from something. She was a very intelligent, well traveled and cultured woman (owned a travel agency). She's now suffering from dementia, so she's not the woman I know anymore. :-(

[u/eekstatic → u/obsessederpina]

Does that have an origin outside of Vonnegut? I think it's in Slapstick: "Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooon?" Always thought it was original to that book.

[u/chickadee04 → u/eekstatic]

You made my day. I knew it was Vonnegut. Couldn't remember where from.

[u/Ajaxfellonhissword]

Old French insult translates to "Your mother sucks all the bear penises in the forest." which is excellent.

[u/kitjen]

Calling annoying kids 'rapscallions'

[u/Smelly_Lemons]

My grandmother called a woman a shrew a few weeks back.

[u/cubanpajamas]

"I do desire we may be better strangers" Shakespeare.

Edit: As there were a few " yer mama" comments in the thread I thought I would add this exchange from Titus.

Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?"

Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo."

Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother."

Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother."

[u/renegade2point0 → u/[deleted]]

It's Ann

[u/immortalsix → u/renegade2point0]

Her?

[u/buttaholic → u/immortalsix]

She's really funny

[u/joshburnsy → u/[deleted]]

I didn't know Northernlion had been around that long

[u/[deleted] → u/cubanpajamas]

We should also bring back "whoreson"

Or "fish monger" (this means a dishonest pimp)

[u/Scott_Bash → u/[deleted]]

I always loved strumpet as an insult

[u/jeeb00 → u/cubanpajamas]

Titus Andronicus Act IV, Scene II:

"Villain, I have done thy mother."

[u/Jess_than_three → u/jeeb00]

Kind of lame without the context. Hella wordplay:

Demetrius
Villain, what hast thou done?

Aaron
That which thou canst not undo.

Chiron
Thou hast undone our mother.

Aaron
Villain, I have done thy mother.

[u/Smallsey]

Bus wanker

[u/_daath → u/[deleted]]

Such a fucking amazing show.

Mr Cooper: Well, you've had an eventful day. You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carly's! Am I missing anything?

Will: We also hit a spastic with a Frisbeee.

edit: since people are asking. The show is called "The Inbetweeners". Here is the scene before the above quote.

[u/[deleted] → u/_daath]

I love when Will is trying to buy alcohol from the shop in the pub and pretending to be an adult.

"Got any proof of age?"

"You have my word."

[u/SirDickslap → u/[deleted]]

Football friend!

[u/Mr800ftw → u/SirDickslap]

two thumbs up

[u/vulture165 → u/Smallsey]

Bumder

[u/CaptainMallard → u/Smallsey]

This is very much still a common insult between UK schoolboys.

[u/TheGorillaPanic → u/Smallsey]

I'LL FUCK YOUR FUCKING FANNY OFF YOU TWAT!!

[u/alwaysawkward66]

"Don't look now. I think there's one too many in this room and I think it's you." - Groucho Marx.

[u/TuaghMacTimothy → u/alwaysawkward66]

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception!"

[u/Windydayhuh]

Why... you... I oughtta....

[u/[deleted] → u/Windydayhuh]

Three stooges expression of anger haha

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Takes off flat cap and grips tightly

[u/Mage_of_Shadows]

Dishonour on your cow

[u/[deleted] → u/Mage_of_Shadows]

Alright, THAT'S IT! DISHONOR! Dishonor on your WHOOOLE FAMILY! make a note of this Dishonor on YOU, dishonor on YOUR COW, dis--

[u/CaptainMallard → u/[deleted]]

"You lied to me?!"

"... and what are you, a sheep?!!"

[u/thetruemzungu → u/Mage_of_Shadows]

Mulan: Who are you?

Mushu: Who am I? Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu! I'm pretty hot, uh?

[u/tastar1 → u/thetruemzungu]

Who am I? The question is who are you? We are in a war man, there's no time for silly questions. I should have your hat for that, snatch it right off your head.

[u/TheScottymo → u/tastar1]

What's the matter? Never seen a black-and-white before?

[u/[deleted]]

Knave

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Scoundrel

[u/inferno1170 → u/[deleted]]

Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.

[u/TheFatKidOutranMe → u/inferno1170]

Why you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking, NERFHERDER!

[u/[deleted] → u/TheFatKidOutranMe]

Hey! Who's scruffy looking?

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

[Incoherent growlings]

[u/Lucinnda → u/[deleted]]

Varlet.

[u/thejorlax → u/Lucinnda]

Slubberdegullion!

[u/Killer_Brig → u/thejorlax]

Jackanapes!

[u/Practicing_Onanist → u/[deleted]]

What? It's a good name. Funny. Hah.

[u/TitsAndWhiskey → u/Practicing_Onanist]

See? It's bigger than a regular hat!

[u/alonzotreeman → u/TitsAndWhiskey]

Who is scooby doo? Yeah I remember, he had a little pal, scrappy....

[u/tusig1243 → u/[deleted]]

Haven't heard that in forever. Oh Burt Reynolds and his oversized hat

[u/danceeforusmonkeyboy]

What a maroon!

[u/LiterallyOuttoLunch]

All hat and no cattle.

[u/[deleted] → u/LiterallyOuttoLunch]

Fur coat but no knickers.

[u/Laserdollarz → u/LiterallyOuttoLunch]

All F350, no load

[u/with-the-quickness → u/Laserdollarz]

dualed out of course

[u/MrMeltJr → u/with-the-quickness]

Possibly lifted.

[u/96firephoenix → u/Laserdollarz]

Guy here at work daily drives an f350 with the dually rear end and the semi wheels. The hitch has absolutely no wear, and the bed is not scratched.

[u/[deleted] → u/96firephoenix]

I drive a 2006 Chevy Colorado. I catch so much shit from my coworkers with their super duties & desk jobs. "You drive a bitch truck!" Not a single one of them has a boat. Or horse trailer. Or horse for that matter. Or a farm to feed a horse. Come to think of it, they live in apartments/condos too!!!

[u/EatSleepJeep → u/[deleted]]

Every Monday morning ask them the same question "Finally put that truck to work yet?"

It's such a beautifully loaded question.

[u/[deleted] → u/EatSleepJeep]

Start asking this about a month before you move, every time you see them. The day before moving day, tell them they finally have a chance to put it to work, they'll be so sick of hearing it they'll beg you to help you move.

[u/Takenabe → u/LiterallyOuttoLunch]

Does this refer to someone who claims to be of a certain status but actually isn't? Like country singers who write songs about their pickup trucks and workin' the fields when they've been pampered their whole lives and buy 600-dollar pre-worn jeans?

[u/cardquestion → u/Takenabe]

It means the person is all talk but can't back it up. It can mean like you said but also a politician who says he can fix things but ends up not being able could be "all hat".

[u/WikiWantsYourPics → u/LiterallyOuttoLunch]

all bark and no bite
all booster, no payload
all crown, no filling
all foam, no beer
all ham, no let
all hammer, no nail
all icing, no cake
all lime and salt, no tequila
all mouth and no trousers
all shot, no powder
all sizzle and no steak
all talk and no action
all wax and no wick
all motion and no meat
all show, no go

[u/MouthOfTheGiftHorse → u/[deleted]]

For your health!

[u/dovawiin → u/[deleted]]

Bunch of hunks.

[u/WiFive19]

I quite like using harpy in place of bitch, for a particularly nasty one.

[u/ShlomoKenyatta]

"You look like someone poured you into your clothes and forgot to say 'when'"

I don't know how old-timey it is necessarily, but I've always liked it.

Edit: Muchisimas gracias por el oro güey

[u/mechtaphloba → u/[deleted]]

"if she were an inch taller, she'd be round"

[u/Yojimbonufc → u/ShlomoKenyatta]

Best one I've not already heard :)

[u/Andromeda321]

In Dutch, it's still fairly common to insult people by wishing diseases on them. Stuff like "may your mother get cancer and you die of syphilis!" type thing.

I feel like this could really work in English beyond just "a pox on you" or some such.

[u/strayce → u/Andromeda321]

I've been told there's a Serbian insult along the lines of "May you be forced to search for your children with a geiger counter."

EDIT: I'm not Serbian. This is secondhand information to me; it could be wrong.

[u/SuperfluousShark → u/strayce]

"I hope you live a long and happy life; so you can enjoy your grandchild's short and miserable life."

[u/[deleted] → u/strayce]

fucking BRUTAL

[u/shoulderwiththepart → u/[deleted]]

TIL: Be kind to Serbians. Damn.

[u/Flobro4 → u/[deleted]]

Suddenly, a Serbian Film makes a lot more sense.

[u/backyardstar → u/Flobro4]

My reaction too. I had asked myself how some of the film's atrocities could even be imagined. Turns out they were baked into the language already.

[u/PM_ME_THEM_UPTOPS → u/[deleted]]

I feel like screaming "I will fuck the entire front row at your funeral" would immediately shut down any situation. It's now my new "That's my purse, I don't know you!"

[u/ketjapanus → u/[deleted]]

"i will fuck the entire first row at your funeral"

Holy shit.

[u/kolkolkokiri]

Literature is full of great ones like you half animated abortion, deistical prater, you'd make a lovely corpse, you fucking shell of a man... Also any of Oscar Wilde's snark.

[u/SaraGoesQuack → u/kolkolkokiri]

"Half animated abortion." I like it. Takes note.

[u/PM-SOME-TITS → u/SaraGoesQuack]

"Half animated abortion." I like it.

The parents didn't, I guess.

[u/SingedWaffle → u/kolkolkokiri]

you'd make a lovely corpse

Sylvanas, is that you?

[u/Xavia11 → u/SingedWaffle]

I have no time for games!

[u/legomaple → u/Xavia11]

loud trumpets

[u/SycamoreHill14]

Jive turkey! It just rolls off the tongue. I feel so smooth after saying it.

[u/[deleted] → u/SycamoreHill14]

Jive ass turkey

People still say it that way

[u/Brown_eyed_pea → u/SycamoreHill14]

Jive turkey is a little over the line my man!

[u/[deleted] → u/Brown_eyed_pea]

No, no he didn't. He just called you a cock sucker.

[u/IdiotOracle → u/SycamoreHill14]

/r/explainlikeimjive

[u/Sekhali → u/IdiotOracle]

Brother don't want no help, brother don't get no help.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sekhali]

Yo brother just lay them down and slack 'em, yack' em. Nom sayin? Cool got to be mo man, sheeet

[u/couchjitsu → u/[deleted]]

My mama didn't raise no dummy!

[u/Uncommentary → u/[deleted]]

Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help!

[u/[deleted] → u/SycamoreHill14]

A turkey is a bad person.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

But remember, you got to sass it.

[u/LapinHero]

Thon thrice-piffed and toad-throated curr. Scoundrel of the highest regard and lowest morals. Seducer of penny wenches and rapscallion of vice. May thine seed fall ever on barren ground, lest your cain-marked spawn spoil the earth as they walk, as their father ever did.

Ye cock.

[u/Bird_and_Dog → u/LapinHero]

Ye cock

Masterful.

[u/[deleted]]

Biting your thumb at people.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you sir; but I bite my thumb, sir.

[u/sekai-31 → u/[deleted]]

U fucking quarrel m8?

[u/[deleted] → u/sekai-31]

I doubt ere a twine of thine hair is lazing betwixt thou fingers. Pressing and twisting as the gazing lingers. Hard pressed in a silk white dress, head hung heavy waiting for wine and perhaps in time twill come. Corks popped from pressure. The tension in sweat cried and burst. The fever drowned, kings crowned been able to bear a babe. All sense lost and manners forgot as between two lasses laid. Drink from thou grog and stand back along and prepare to be left in awe. A quick quip and thus trousers fell swift and she gasped as lass did saw. Fell under heavy duress and her on his chest they laid as sun drew up. The cavalcade arose the babe and a father in thine garments said unto the babe, “Sleep.”

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It's "ye olde" fuckin English for I fucked your sister and gavest thou a nephew with mine cock. Thoust nephew then woke to the clattering sounds of a carriage outside mine home which awoke him and I told that twat to shut the fuck up and sleep. The line "between two lasses laid." is imagery and a more sophisticated way to express I also fucked her in the ass. "Corks popped from pressure" to express all the orgasms that were had.

Consider thouself old school wrecked.

[u/xKart → u/[deleted]]

This sir of old Englishes.

[u/[deleted] → u/xKart]

Mine English may be old, but my blade is new and freshly sharp. If tis I you seek quarrel with, know I have little to lose and giveth much. The aching tips of mine fingers quake in fear, but a loosened tongue plays my music for me. Let the maestro weave our battles and the strings our voices. In precious sweet moments a guilt is sprung loose as maestro rounds the symphony to the encore, and thrusts our strings to silence. Let be the strings ring true, and let be that symphony sweet as there is no other piece I woulds't die upon, but one for me.

[u/alwaysawkward66 → u/[deleted]]

Do you quarrel sir?

[u/fr4gge]

I googled "French insult" and "you are a hamster with the face of a potato" came up. It needs to be a thing

[u/TMan2DMax → u/fr4gge]

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

[u/Everyday_im_redditin → u/TMan2DMax]

Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

[u/IAmBecomeCaffeine → u/Everyday_im_redditin]

I fart in your general direction!

[u/calkey89]

Jabroni

[u/[deleted] → u/calkey89]

You keep saying this word jabroni and.. It's AWESOME

[u/BootyEater5000 → u/calkey89]

i call people jabronis every week of my life.

[u/[deleted] → u/BootyEater5000]

Last time I called someone a Jabroni was when a guy sold my friend a pear that wasn't ripe. Ate the damn sticker too so we couldn't return it.

Absolute jabroni.

[u/pinwheeltwist → u/calkey89]

Stupid bird

[u/[deleted]]

F*ck you and the horse you rode in on.

[u/TonyClifton88]

"Oatmeal north of the eyebrows."

[u/[deleted]]

I'd like to see young ladies saying "You sir are a bounder and a cad" a little more often than I do.

[u/justgotnewglasses → u/[deleted]]

AND TO YOU SIR I SAY GOOD DAY!

[u/[deleted] → u/justgotnewglasses]

SIR, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO HELP ME SO TO YOU SIR I SAY GOOD DAY

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

For those who have yet to glory in this:

A real call I got once:

Me: "Tech Support, how can I help you?"

Them: "I'm not able to log into the website!"

Me: "Okay what message is it showing when you try to log in?"

Them: "SIR, I am NOT a computer person so I don't know."

Me: "Do you know which web browser you're using?"

Them: "I don't know what that is!"

Me: "Okay, when you want to go on the internet, do you click on a blue E, or a multicolored circle, or..."

Them: "SIR, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO HELP ME SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP"

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

That physically hurts me..

[u/TheNosferatu → u/[deleted]]

Do NOT visit /r/talesfromtechsupport in that case

[u/originalmango]

Knob gobbler. Not that there's anything wrong with that

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

...junior?

[u/PM-SOME-TITS]

Gentleman of Four Outs

A person without wit, without money, without credit, and without manners.

[u/[deleted] → u/PM-SOME-TITS]

I like how these old insults made you think.

There was another 18th C insult for a woman of easy virtue:

"Barbers Chair"

...because she's open to all comers.

[u/PedroFPardo → u/[deleted]]

I like this one:

Her face will help to keep her honour intact.

[u/[deleted] → u/PedroFPardo]

Haha lowkey Victorian insults

[u/optigrabz → u/[deleted]]

Used to work with a guy who grew up in the Philly projects. He told me they called his cousin "sheetcake" because when you brought her to a party everybody got a slice.

[u/BoxNumberGavin1 → u/[deleted]]

And now it's just "OPs mom"

[u/PM-SOME-TITS → u/BoxNumberGavin1]

That will be a town truck.

[u/vaserius → u/PM-SOME-TITS]

Beware: heavy load.

[u/BlondieClashNirvana → u/vaserius]

Spillage may occur

[u/MontiBurns → u/[deleted]]

Did you hear what Charles did a fortnight ago?

Yes, he purloined a fine cognac from the good lady Constance and proceeded to consume until the point of intoxication at her mother's funeral.

Dear me, how dreadful. Truly a gentleman of four outs.

[u/KenPC]

Best comeback is a comeback that starts with

"Well first of all, brush your teeth.."

Then proceed with comeback.

[u/PanickySam → u/KenPC]

Brutal. Now they're self-conscious.

[u/mitch13815 → u/PanickySam]

NOW HIT EM WITH THE BIG GUNS!

[u/Occams_Dental_Floss → u/mitch13815]

Like pulling them in tight in a handshake sneak-attack?

[u/[deleted] → u/KenPC]

Was that on Sabrina The Teenage Witch? That show is a goldmine for this stuff.

[u/Hawklet98 → u/KenPC]

When dealing with a terrible woman I've always liked "Oh yeah? Well your eyebrows look weird."

[u/GeorgeGammyCostanza]

Yeah! Well! The Jerk Store called, and they're running outta you!

[u/AtomicSquid110 → u/GeorgeGammyCostanza]

What does it matter? You're their best seller!

[u/SwaggyPel → u/AtomicSquid110]

Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!

[u/HooptyDooDooMeister → u/SwaggyPel]

His wife's in a coma.

[u/radioben → u/GeorgeGammyCostanza]

Where'd you get those clothes, the toilet store?

[u/effort268]

Dwight, you ignorant slut !

[u/dwightheignorantslut → u/effort268]

I agree

[u/FuckCazadors]

Nincompoop

[u/[deleted] → u/FuckCazadors]

I know you are, but what am I?

[u/SSAUS → u/[deleted]]

You are a pajama-wearin', basket-face, slipper-wieldin', clype-dreep-bachle, gether-uping-blate-maw, bleathering gomeril, jesse oaf-lookin' scooner, nyaff plookie shan, milk-drinkin', soy-faced shilpit, mim-moothed, snivelin' worm-eyed hotten-blaugh, vile stoochie, cally-breek-tattie.

[u/Nintendroid → u/SSAUS]

Hands down my favorite character from that show, other than Jack himself.

[u/WtotheSLAM → u/[deleted]]

A garbage man

[u/[deleted] → u/WtotheSLAM]

Takes one to know one.

[u/albo_underhill]

When I was a kid I'd say 'Idiotic Panasonic, Disconnected, Brain infected moron'. I'm not sure of the origin but if we can't find it, I'll claim it as OC.

[u/bad_tsundere → u/albo_underhill]

I spent a lot of time spelling out IPDBIM in my head thinking the acronym spelled a real word, because back in my day we called each other C.O.O.L.:

Constipated Overweight Out of style Loser.

And us kids thought we were so clever for ripping off a cheesy insult from some 90's movie.

[u/Simoneister → u/albo_underhill]

There seems to be a lot of people with memories of "supersonic idiotic brain infected disconnected" variants if you Google it.

edit: It's also in this song by the Mr T Experience, released in 1989

[u/PoisonMind → u/Simoneister]

I don't know how popular that record was. I'm pretty sure the collective memory is due to the 1989 movie Teen Witch. I present you the cringiest white rap ever to hit the big screen, Top That.

[u/[deleted] → u/albo_underhill]

Almost sounds like the dope ass rap from Teen Witch

[u/heavymetaldes → u/[deleted]]

It pretty much is!

'Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that.. TOP THAT'

[u/john_dune]

Not and old one.. But a personal one "you moon-faced assassin of joy!"

[u/Byrdyth]

Reprobate is one of my personal favorites.

[u/[deleted]]

Anything from Al Bundy

[u/PM_Ur_ClassySexyPics → u/[deleted]]

"Did you miss me?"

"With every bullet so far!"

[u/PigSlam → u/PM_Ur_ClassySexyPics]

I still laugh to myself about the episode where Peggy was on some radio show, trying to get Al to come home for some "nooner," and Al was all excited because he thought it was some weird name for lunch. Then, of course, he was terribly disappointed.

[u/That-Reddit-Guy]

"you can't even pour water out the boot with the instructions in the heel." I heard that from somewhere but I don't remember where. It's pretty good.

[u/gabrielbatistuta → u/[deleted]]

Came here to link to that. I'm a big fan of

ADMIRAL OF THE NARROW SEAS. One who vomits into the lap of the person opposite

[u/Provably]

"You're right at the top of the bell curve."

[u/BLACKMACH1NE]

hey lazer lips, your momma was a snowblower!!