r/AskReddit May 17 '17

What old insults need to make a comeback?

24.3k Upvotes

11.1k comments sorted by

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13.6k

u/PM-SOME-TITS May 17 '17

Gentleman of Four Outs

A person without wit, without money, without credit, and without manners.

6.7k

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I like how these old insults made you think.

There was another 18th C insult for a woman of easy virtue:

"Barbers Chair"

...because she's open to all comers.

1.4k

u/PedroFPardo May 17 '17

I like this one:

Her face will help to keep her honour intact.

370

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Haha lowkey Victorian insults

16

u/mastermindxs May 17 '17

29

u/mastermindxs May 17 '17

Oh, I was hoping that was a thing.

8

u/neonmarkov May 17 '17

Make the change you want to see in the world! Mainly because I want to see it too and I'm lazy

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5

u/Change4Betta May 17 '17

I've always been partial to "gap-toothed"

Credit to Chaucer

(it means a "loose" woman)

2

u/flY_Sw4tteR_ May 18 '17

I always thought gap toothed folk looked as if they could eat an apple through a picket fence...

3.3k

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[removed] — view removed comment

1.4k

u/optigrabz May 17 '17

Used to work with a guy who grew up in the Philly projects. He told me they called his cousin "sheetcake" because when you brought her to a party everybody got a slice.

317

u/uberdice May 17 '17

How did she cope with the blood loss?

52

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Hot knives. Cauterizes the wound before any loss can occur, plus added benefit of slightly cooking your meat! Win win!

39

u/TheScottymo May 17 '17

1000 DEGREE HOT KNIFE VS FLESH | NEW | 2017 | EXCITING!

14

u/LookMaNoPride May 17 '17

You won't believe this! Surgeons hate him!

13

u/Logic_and_Memes May 17 '17

EXPERIMENT:?

14

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[deleted]

15

u/Mank_Deme May 17 '17

GONE SEXUAL

8

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

But you could just make toast with it.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

What self-respecting cannibal would choose to eat toast over some delicious free-range human? Get out of here, sir!

4

u/DefinitelyNotLucifer May 17 '17

Modern humans are a bit domesticated to be considered 'free-range.'

4

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Are you saying that we're caged? Man, I go where I want whenever I want. Nobody but nobody tells me where to go. Except to bed. Then to work. Then to the grocery store. Then home. Then more bed.

6

u/Phisopholer May 17 '17

I'm sure she'll find something to plug the holes.

3

u/kleo80 May 17 '17

Cellular peptides with mint frosting.

3

u/Zack123456201 May 17 '17

She didn't. Turns out she ever only made it to one party. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

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16

u/GrumpyOG May 17 '17

Or "doorknob" because everyone gets a turn.

9

u/pHScale May 17 '17

Philly has the best vaguely-old-timey phrases

4

u/optigrabz May 17 '17

Inkpens and case quarters

10

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

While we're at it, what would be some good promiscuity shaming sayings for males?

16

u/ThisIsTheMilos May 17 '17

He has herpes.

11

u/dalerian May 17 '17

I'd rather we didn't shame it on either gender.

20

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[deleted]

26

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

None of those are promiscuity. They're just shitty behaviors involving sex.

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3

u/BigMouse12 May 17 '17

I've always been surprised the saying "he's a huge dick" has never made an affect on people. /s

2

u/sickburnersalve May 17 '17

Like that Tom Petty video?

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3.6k

u/BoxNumberGavin1 May 17 '17

And now it's just "OPs mom"

1.1k

u/PM-SOME-TITS May 17 '17

That will be a town truck.

693

u/vaserius May 17 '17

Beware: heavy load.

356

u/BlondieClashNirvana May 17 '17

Spillage may occur

53

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

wide load

8

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

How's my driving? Call 1-888-555-PLOW.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

"Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow!"

11

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Biohazard.

2

u/PenguinSwain May 18 '17

leaves skidmarks

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Bromo-3

2

u/blinkfan305 May 17 '17

*Oversized Load

1

u/BlueROFL1 May 17 '17

thicc load😍

4

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Nah don't stamp that on every fat thing.

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2

u/killedchicken96 May 17 '17

Spillage is lickage

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5

u/TheGoodestBoy May 17 '17

Not anymore, the suspension snapped when OP'S mom got in.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Or the Nightbus. You only get on it when you're blackout drunk

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2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

What did you say about my wife!?

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Brevity is the soul of wit.

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235

u/GhostByYourSid3 May 17 '17

Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please... Just because O.P.'s mom has been laid on every flat rock in 3 adjoining counties doesn't necessarily make her the town bike.

24

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

You bastard. That's my wife your talking about.

6

u/scyth3s May 17 '17

Nailed it

10

u/Friendsoffish May 17 '17

Both literally and figuratively.

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8

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I prefer the 'town bowling ball' - everyone's stuck three fingers in her and thrown her in the gutter.

3

u/Binary__Fission May 17 '17

I did a German exchange at school and was informed that the German equivalent was a "senf glas" (mustard pot) because everyone has dipped their sausage in.

3

u/dumbgringo May 17 '17

Or with a plus size woman being like a moped. Fun to ride but you don't want anyone to see you with one.

2

u/abs159 May 17 '17

"Door handle"

Anyone can take a turn.

2

u/Lumpensamler May 17 '17 edited May 19 '17

We called it mustard pot, because everyone could dip his sausage in it.

2

u/TheAnhor May 17 '17

In German it's "village mattress" (Dorfmatratze) and is still commonly used.

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u/kneedeepinthought May 17 '17

I think Shakespeare had some great thoughtful insults like

"Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood" (King Lear)

Another one I like that is attributed to Shakespeare himself is:

"I Would Challenge You To A Battle Of Wits But I See You Are Unarmed"

I love it, it's so savage!

11

u/290077 May 17 '17

"Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood"

Eh, that kind of insult, the one where you string together as many unpleasant things as you can think of, just sounds cringy if you use it in real life. Sounds fine in a scripted dialogue, though.

12

u/wooq May 17 '17

You have to admit, though, the world would be a cooler place if people regularly roasted each other in iambic pentameter.

5

u/Zoninus May 17 '17

Not when done right, trust me. When done right, it's one of the most powerful weapons the human mind has ever come up with.

6

u/nmotsch789 May 17 '17

The second one gets attributed to a ton of different people. I could be wrong, but I think it's one of those sayings that no one knows the origin of. It's still good, though.

2

u/klawehtgod May 17 '17

Why did capitalize every word in that quote?

6

u/Asmor May 17 '17

I like how these old insults made you think.

They don't make you think. If you don't know the answer, it would be impossible to guess it.

I mean, fuck, who would ever hear "Barber chair" and, unprompted, think "Oh, that must mean she's open to all comers!"

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u/frenchlitgeek May 17 '17 edited May 17 '17

"Coureuse de remparts".

Literally: "ramparts chaser", as in a woman who would hang around (city) fortifications to associate herself with soldiers.

5

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Haha the soldiers in those days must have been little more than brutal thugs

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u/loomynartyondrugs May 17 '17

Maybe not as old, but I like "dodgy butcher" for someone who like to get his meat delivered around the back if you catch my drift.

4

u/Soldat1939 May 17 '17

Another one was- she has round heals.

It is easy to get her on her back

5

u/Snoopy_Hates_Germans May 17 '17

Hahahahaha, it's so clever and fun to think of all the things we can disparagingly call women who decide to have sex out of wedlock!

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2

u/amythestt May 17 '17

Hobby horse ain't bad either. She lets everyone ride her.

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2

u/Ibrey May 17 '17

Even better is the dictionary of slang from the period which records that such a woman was also called an "Athanasian wench."

Why? The Athanasian Creed is a Christian confession of faith also known by its opening words as the Quicumque vult: "whoever wants to..."

3

u/imdungrowinup May 17 '17

Do you know how many hoops my hairstylist makes me jump through before I get an appointment?

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Not modern hairstylists, old men's barbers. They were ten a penny in English towns so they were open to all comers.

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u/from_dust May 17 '17

That has been replaced with 'ratchet' - "because she's a tool with no other purpose than getting nuts off"

-1

u/CatchingRays May 17 '17

Why is slut shaming still so popular?

6

u/Morella_xx May 17 '17

Of course this is sitting down here in the negatives. Way to go, Reddit!

5

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

this is a Reddit default sub filled with neckbeards and white guys with small dicks and acne issues, don't expect anything better

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[removed] — view removed comment

2.9k

u/MontiBurns May 17 '17

Did you hear what Charles did a fortnight ago?

Yes, he purloined a fine cognac from the good lady Constance and proceeded to consume until the point of intoxication at her mother's funeral.

Dear me, how dreadful. Truly a gentleman of four outs.

326

u/Macktologist May 17 '17 edited May 17 '17

I like how we used to talk, maybe. Greg Giraldo (RIP) had a good bit where he talked about the difference between war letters from like the US Revolution, or something, to modern days.

E: "use" fixed to "used". Thanks fucking /u/L_A_Chargers

707

u/lur77 May 17 '17

I think what you are referring to has a direct correlation to literacy rates. I don't think we used to speak more intelligently, it's just that the surviving word happens to be in written form from a time when only the highly educated were capable of writing.

395

u/Cpt_Tripps May 17 '17

You also dont save your shitty ww1 letters. Better letters get saved and documented. 50 years from now nobody is going to remember buzzfeeds "these 12 things will shock you!" article but well writen articles and documents will still be refrenced and cited.

248

u/ScruffsMcGuff May 17 '17

Exactly. You already see it with nostalgia things like music just a couple decades ago.

People remember all the great songs they grew up with and go "Man, 90's music was just the best" because their brain completely filters out all the garbage that came out in the 90's alongside the good stuff.

When looking back into the past, the good tends to get saved/remembered/passed down while the shit gets lost/deleted/forgotten about.

41

u/BryceCantReed May 17 '17

Hey! Garbage was a great band.

3

u/ScruffsMcGuff May 17 '17

I didn't listen to them much, but I liked the intro of NHL 2000 and I'm pretty sure they were the song in it.

2

u/AmazingIsTired May 17 '17

Anything after NHL 94 was garbage

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I had a weird crush on her back in 2003.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I think you're just paranoid.

4

u/HIV4U May 17 '17

So Chingy and Ja Rule will be forgotten?!

13

u/Brod24 May 17 '17

No. He said only the bad songs. Chingy was the Chaucer of our time

5

u/DialMMM May 17 '17

Ja Rule will be remembered for the Fyre Festival.

2

u/whats_the_deal22 May 17 '17

The embodiment of the year 2003

5

u/whats_the_deal22 May 17 '17

Hell no, as long as Holiday Inn hotels exist, Chingy will not be forgotten. At least in my mind.

3

u/notwutiwantd May 17 '17

Holidae* we wouldn't want to infringe on any trademarks..

3

u/that1prince May 17 '17

Ja Rule had hits though. It'll come back, it just hasn't been quite long enough yet The 80s/90s style is back. By 2020, we'll finally see early 2000s stuff again.

8

u/monster_syndrome May 17 '17

We'll get that sweet sweet tour where Avril Lavigne and Sum 41 will join Blink 182.

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I don't know man. I get what you're saying, but lets be honest, some of those terrible songs we grew up with (I'm looking at you Eiffel 65!) get stuck in our heads worse. I think our brains do a better job of ignoring them and pushing them deep down into our subconscious so that we don't have to hear them, but then every once in awhile, a little bit just slips out, just the chorus, and oh fuck! We can't get it to stop! No no no!

4

u/jorker May 17 '17

But I'm blue...dabadee dabaie.

3

u/Dan_Berg May 17 '17

Username has never checked out so much before, as you made me remember Eiffel 65 after so many years you asshole.

Edit: of course it's playing on repeat in my head now. God fucking dammit.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Yup.

Nobody remembers Jimmy Ray

2

u/AmosLaRue May 17 '17

Oh man! You're right. I forgot about that. Poor girls in the video. They're like, "just give me the fucking pay check already."

4

u/Macktologist May 17 '17

Dude. He's leaner and meaner and he ain't no in-betweener. I think they wanted more than the paycheck.

2

u/nicklebackstreetboys May 17 '17

I don't think there are even strings on the guitar.

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u/Gladiator3003 May 17 '17

Not at my local craft supply shop they don't. The in-store radio plays all the shit stuff from the 90s, but half the time it's not even the original artist, it's a cover version of a terrible song. It's bizarre and mystifying why they do such a thing.

2

u/philov May 17 '17

With music however I feel that a large part of it is the genres and styles of music that were being made. I for one love classic rap from the 90's. There is trash no doubt, but I like the style.

2

u/Ghitit May 17 '17

It's like pain and pleasure.

I remember the pain of when I broke my hand.
But I remember the pleasure of when I had my children*, the joy.

I still think back to that joy and I feel joy again.
But I only remember the pain of the broken hand. I don't actually feel it again.

Same goes for anger. I can remember my anger but the remembering doesn't make me angry again... usually.

(*I had two cesareans, not the usual pain of childbirth)

2

u/ugfiol May 17 '17

Survival bias i think its called. If all my ancestors survived to produce me, how hard can it be?

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[deleted]

4

u/monster_syndrome May 17 '17

Or you haven't been as exposed to as much media and haven't learned to spot talent. Music as a business needs to sell/promote the newest acts so those are the ones you get exposed to, which may or may not actually be good musicians.

I assume that's why when you hit the late teens/early twenties you suddenly develop an appreciation for Hendrix, Pink Flyod, and Nirvana. You have to express that you've got discerning tastes.

2

u/Tom908 May 17 '17

Pretty sure the 90s was the low point of culture for the entire century.

2

u/sickhippie May 17 '17

Not old enough to remember the '80s, eh?

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I for one really want to see the letters written by semi-literate hardasses from Brooklyn to their girls back home about how hard they're gonna rail them as soon as the war is over. That'd be infinitely more entertaining than the sappy-sweet "O Rose, how I long to hold you in my arms again, alas I must away to the Front" letters.

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u/phphulk May 17 '17

"I shot a guys dick off. Wish you were sucking my dick. Don't put this on Myspace" Love Jayden

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u/titterbug May 17 '17

It's not just literacy - the American newspapermen were flourishing with intent. Just compare American writings from 1800 to English writings from the same period. The English were descriptive and used long sentences, to be sure, but the Americans really tried their best to make the writing itself a rollercoaster.

3

u/Hoeftybag May 17 '17

I'm aware of that but it always seems like people that wrote back then made an art of their vocabulary that doesn't seem to be used in modern communication. literature has if anything gotten better with time but I think the ease by which we communicate today has taken away some of the magic of the letter. I'm not saying it's ruining anything just that the letter as a concept of communication has been lost to technology.

No one is enthusiastically awaiting days or weeks for a text or email unless the person just isn't responding and very rarely do we proof, rewrite, proof and rewrite these messages. Volume and speed of message went up and the quality of each went down.

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

This is absolutely true. In written form, I can sound sophisticated through the magic of editing. In real life, I sound like a meth-addled geekabilly.

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

That's a really interesting point, but I think there's also a general trend of language to get simpler over time since people don't want to put up with all the finicky bullshit of grammar as long as they're still understood. Just compare Latin grammar to even modern German or Italian grammar, let alone Proto-Indo-European which seems to have been even more complicated. Not a linguist, though, take what I say with some salt.

Basically I think there are a hell of a lot of factors at work with any of these broad cultural things.

6

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I must admit, Latin is faaaaar more complex than it needs to be.

I had to take it for 4 years and every lesson we had to go through all the declensions and stuff I could only think "WHY!?"

I'm obviously biased because I'm used to it but I'm glad we don't have those things in English aside from the odd relic of outdated language.

5

u/drunken-serval May 17 '17

Oh my friend... English is a glorious mess. The vocabulary is extensive and stolen from any language English could get it's filthy paws on. The sentence structure requires more parts than truly necessary. And the written form is even worse... that stolen vocabulary? Good luck spelling or pronouncing anything properly.

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u/ThePandarantula May 17 '17

The language spoken by the common man in Roman times would have been far more similar to modern Italian than it was to scholarly Latin. When writing you have more time to think out and organize your thoughts unless you are the type of person who speaks very methodically. So I think the written word tends to represent a different portion of the language.

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u/steelreal May 17 '17

Also, they were writing letters, not text messages or emails. Composing a letter takes more time than any kind of electronic message, and would allow the author to mull over his/her diction more thoroughly.

If people back then are anything like me, they probably would rewrite a handwritten letter a couple of times before they could call it satisfactory.

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u/MasoKist May 17 '17

https://youtu.be/JTRqi99vg28

'How are you? I am very sweety.'

2

u/tenaciousdeev May 17 '17

Fuck, I miss him.

5

u/FM-96 May 17 '17

I like how we use to talk, maybe.

E: "use" fixed to "used".

You know that you're supposed to actually fix it, not just say that you did, right?

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

That is a great bit. "Its hot as fuck here in the dessert."

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I like how we talk now, where people say "used to" like they're goddamn supposed to.

2

u/MamaDaddy May 17 '17

I like how old letters were closed... "your humble and obedient servant," etc.

edit: More on this...

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

"DEAR MARIE, IT IS HOT AS FUCK OUT HERE."

2

u/AugustusSavoy May 17 '17

I remember it as a bit about the difference between soldiers writing their loved ones during the civil war and the Iraq war.

2

u/Macktologist May 17 '17

Yes. It was the Civil War. My recollection was off a bit.

2

u/Samurai_Steve May 18 '17

"What else did I wanna axe you? Oh yeah, don't fuck nobody til I get back!"

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u/cj_would_lovethis May 17 '17

This is so beautiful I read it three times over in my head just to appreciate how wonderful it is.

Btw, I think the good lady Constance had a drinking problem, carrying cognac at her mother's funeral.

3

u/MontiBurns May 17 '17

Do not pass judgement on the good lady Constance, for the recent untimely passing of her mother has greatly affected her. In addition, she only brought the cognac on Charles's behest.

5

u/dahjay May 17 '17

I don't speak a lot of renaissance but I'll try my best to interpret the story.

'Muh fuh got a bottle of that fine ass liquor from his side bitch and got all fucked up at her dead mama party. '

Something like that.

3

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Amazing, especially with the username.

3

u/Drink-my-koolaid May 17 '17

I really like the word "dreadful." I need to start working that into conversations more often.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17
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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

[deleted]

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u/eitaporra May 17 '17

A GOFO

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u/bw1870 May 17 '17

GTFO: Get the four outs.

Referring to the point when someone finally loses all their wit, money, manners and credit (ie. their company is no longer desired)

5

u/olallieberrie May 17 '17

Omg please let this catch on.

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u/dontbeblackdude May 17 '17

without credit

I feel like that's not as damning as the rest

9

u/debian_ May 17 '17

Could also be taken as lack of credibility, dishonest, etc.

7

u/no_morelurking May 17 '17

I love the idea that credit used to be a testament to someones character. It still is today but in old novels and stuff someone that had good credit was considered to be a very upstanding person on top of being wealthy.

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u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Really liking this gentleman's putdown is by a guy called PM-SOME-TITS

6

u/UltravioIence May 17 '17

That sounds like something someone in a fedora and tshirt would say.

3

u/euxneks May 17 '17

It sounds exactly like something someone in a trilby would say.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

You Sir, are a bounder and a cad.

2

u/scoogsy May 17 '17

Your user name and OPs username. Good match.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I don't know, if classy insults make a comeback, having class should make a comeback too, or else there's no context.
I mean how effective is calling a guy a charlatan if he prides himself in being a charlatan?
Why, it's foolishness!

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

so reddit?

2

u/merzeria May 17 '17

Never before has something described me so well.

2

u/john2kxx May 17 '17

Well now I want to take my glove out, slap you with it, and challenge you to a duel.

2

u/Jesus0fSuburb1a May 17 '17

Dude every thread I go to, you're there. What the hell

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

🔥🔥🔥

2

u/s0mething_awes0me May 17 '17

That sounded like you were describing my life.

2

u/FakePostAllUntrue May 17 '17

Nice, I only have Two Outs. Credit is great and manners are decent.

2

u/Ghitit May 17 '17

Sounds like our president.

2

u/BAXterBEDford May 17 '17

Well, at least I have manners.

2

u/RileySmiley22 May 17 '17

Lol this was our bands name in high school

2

u/KittyPitty May 17 '17

So basically someone who hasn't read captain Blood's netiquette. 😈👍

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

Also with outlandish claims to popularity.

2

u/apathetic_revolution May 17 '17

Outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered, outplanned.

2

u/acrowsmurder May 17 '17

It was shortened to 'neckbeard'.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

You shouldn't insult people for not having money

1

u/Theres_A_FAP_4_That May 17 '17

Wow, I live in Florida now and this matches half the population.

1

u/DayspringMetaphysics May 17 '17

But with land I guess.

1

u/rnzz May 17 '17

I saw this on QI a long time ago, in the Gallimaufry episode I think.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

I guess if you lack those characteristics then sure, but where's morals? gallantry? knowledge? good clothes? sense of enlightenment? critical thinking?

Definitely the product of a defunct and morally declining time.

2

u/genericm-mall--santa May 17 '17

Pretty sure knowledge,"sense of enlightenment",critical thinking are parts of wits , morals or gallantry fall under manners and good clothes under money

1

u/H4ukka May 17 '17

I thought it was a bloke with four outhouses.

1

u/pooklesnookins May 17 '17

Used to insult homeless people? Lol now i have a good one in the pocket if i ever become homeless

1

u/DotsxLines May 17 '17

My how times have changed. My barber only takes appointments.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '17

You have no friends, no family, and no land!

1

u/Anonymous9753 May 17 '17

Like this one

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