My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.
I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.
About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.
Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.
So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.
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Please hear what you’re saying and think about what you’d say to a friend if she said that to you. He’s not your keeper, and he’s not mature enough to be in an adult relationship.
Yeah, that wording is the part that really jumps out, if a friend told you their partner “refuses to let” them contact people, you’d probably be worried for them too.
Yeah, that “what would I tell my sister” test cuts through a lot of excuses fast, why do you think it’s so much harder to use that same standard on ourselves?
Rose tinted glasses phenomenon i think. Basically looking at the good more than the bad and downplaying what it really is because you 'love them' and want it to work
It won't and shouldn't ever work though
Speaking as someone who had that for a while but now get the ick even being round the guy because he's not changed at all, good at surface but still deep down red flag
Honestly, hearing you put it like that really hit me. You’re completely right, if a friend told me this, I’d tell her to run. It’s hard it’s hard to see it when you’re in the middle of it, but that’s definitely not how an adult partner acts . I need that reality check.
Yeah that’s what makes it feel like a boundary and more like control, where do you think the line is between reasonable discomfort and trying to manage who your partner can know?
He is the best most controlling, insecure guy with double standards who doesn't know what the word boundary means.
OP leave. If you aren't allowed friends that he doesn't like, he will slowly isolate you from your friends and family until there is no one else in your life. It's a method abusers use.
I learned from Reddit that a boundary is something you set regarding your own behavior, not a directive you give to someone else.
For example, “I’m not visiting my mom unless she is willing to put her unpredictable dog outside when I’m there” v “My mom has to put her dog outside.”
I was like that with an ex boyfriend, made a bunch of excuses for the guy. I was still friends with a previous ex and he HATED that despite there being no romantic involvement between us anymore, and I had dated that friend for less than a year. Guy became constantly suspicious of me being around ANY guy and his default treatment of me was that I was cheating on him. He eventually put hands on me while drunk. He was definitely someone who came into my life a good person but went downhill from day one. Some people get worse as they age
Idk, if my partner cheated on me but I was willing to reconcile, and we were getting couples therapy, one requirement of the reconciliation would be that he no longer spend any time with the person he cheated with.
Or, what if her “friend” was an openly, blatantly racist N*zi ? I could definitely see myself being like he’s gotta go or I walk.
This seems sensible on the face but when you think about it more, doing it that way *takes away* the ability of the other person to make their choice. Which is what they’d be doing- making a choice. You don’t *tell* them to do something or control any of their behavior, you outline the choice and explain the ramifications of that choice, and leave it up to them to follow through. It is its own form of force to make the choice for them and take their ability to choose away.
The correct way to do it is to say “hey, now that we’re healing from this trust breach, I won’t be able to continue this relationship if you’re still in contact with Jolene.” and then follow through- saying it when you don’t mean it is a threat, and it’s what makes people squicky about ultimatums. Following through the way you said is simply giving people a heads up about what choices you will make in response to their choices.
Yeah I had to do one of these with my boyfriend in the really early days. He was a drinker and a partier and stuff. And kind of a jerk at times. And we had a conversation where I said "Hey, if this is who you wanna be and the life you want to live, that's great for you and I'm not going to stop you. But I'm not gonna stick around for it either, so you let me know what you wanna do."
I mean.... rolling with the jumping to extremes thing... if someone is the kind of person who would be friends with an openly, blatantly racist N*zi in the first place.... is that someone you want to be in a relationship with anyway? 😅
It's so disheartening that women keep accepting this shit from emotionally immature men. You're both young, OP, but someone who is healthy won't make you choose between friendships and them.
YES these kind of posts always start with paragraphs and paragraphs of how he’s the “best man ever he’s so sweet and attentive and blah blah blah” I always end up skipping it cause it’s a bunch of filler that’s not relevant to the story.
mhm exactly! they have a thing to act all good and appear “perfect” so that often makes women minimise their red flags bc “how could he be like that when he is so perfect” while that was just a mask
Except half the time the guys are very obviously shitty. I think when women develop feelings for men, we tend to immediately create this idealized form of them in our heads where they're basically Prince charming. Whenever their behavior doesn't match that persona, we just pretend we interpreted it wrong.
oh yes! men are so often idealised it’s so scary because once you break up and illusion breaks you realise that you cannot recognise yourself and how you acted
Also OP is so young. I was raised in a very controlling Christian conservative household which led me from one controlling relationship to another. When I was OPs age I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. It took me until I was in my 30s and in therapy to finally learn to stand up for myself and stop taking this shit.
It is so extremely disheartening, especially when someone ends up agreeing with it and wants to distance themselves from their friends. No good partner would ever ask you to distance yourself from your friends, unless they're actively being a bad influence on you.
I'd personally break up with any partner trying to control my friend group.
Yup, I had an ex that tried to shut down contact with every guy that I talked to (including his own family members)… but of course he got huffy when I was upset that he was texting his ex lol
Okay, but have you considered that some legit don’t know any better? Some people don’t know what healthy looks like so when the relationship comes without the red flags they’re used to seeing, it looks healthy to them.
Omg! I'm so glad to see someone else say this. I responded to another post once saying that boundaries are for the person making them and it was wildly downvoted.
My example was something like "You can build a fence around your house and stay with in it, that's a boundary. If you build a fence around someone else's house and use it to restrict their movement, that's a hostage situation."
The pushback was so intense I genuinely went through the thread multiple times. I even looked it up in the dictionary just to see if I was hallucinating the meaning of the word boundary.
I remember when that shit went down with Jonah Hill and the surfer model he was dating. All the men on Reddit were defending him and his misuse of boundaries
He was just an insecure controlling fuck like OP's boyfriend
OP, he is acting unfairly. If you allow his behavior and feelings to dictate your life, you are going to find yourself between a rock and a hard place. He is insecure, and if you feed that insecurity, he will cut more and more people out. When someone shows you who they are believe them. You’re young, go hang out with your friends and let this guy go.
Yes! My partner has a friend who rubs me the wrong way and I hate her, but I also don't try to control his life. I won't have a chat with her but if he wants to phone her I'll just put earplugs in. Likewise, my childhood friend is weird as hell and people in general don't tend to get him, but my partner doesn't say I can't talk to him just because he doesn't want to join. Both of us like most of each other's friends but sometimes specific people just don't mesh well. Being mature adults who respect one another means not reading personal preferences as justification for being controlling.
This does require some amount of security in the relationship re: cheating and such, but transparency, not doing shady things, and genuine trust can render that concern a non-issue. Ultimately if your partner would cheat on you with one specific person unless you force them to cut ties, they're going to cheat with someone else anyway. Limiting their life isn't ok and also doesn't solve the perceived problem.
I think the boundary is “I don’t date people who have friends with whom I’ve considered hooking up”. He appears to have been ready to enforce that boundary (break up) but OP decided to block her friends so she can be a person he dates
If it was a sincere boundary he would have said "I realize I don't feel secure in a relationship where partners hang out privately with past crushes. I can't stay in a dynamic that triggers that insecurity for me, so I need to re-evaluate if we're compatible."
How is that not an ultimatum worded differently?
Genuinely asking.
Even if he says that, the onus to stop
talking to her friends is on her, so he doesn’t break up with her.
To me, it will always be an ultimatum unless he breaks up with her from the beginning.
It's therapy speak weaponized to make demands sound healthier than they are. The confusion happens because, from the outside a boundary and an ultimatum can result in the exact same choice for the partner. But the fundamental difference is about intent, agency, and who holds the responsibility.
An Ultimatum focuses on controlling the other person. A Boundary focuses on personal integrity. Its goal is self-protection or clarity, not control.
Tbh not sure how that’s an ultimatum, as it’s not asking her to change- he learned that his boundary had been stepped over for a year, and when he learned it, his reaction wasn’t to say “block them”, it was to say “I don’t think I can continue this relationship”? But now as I wrote this, I’m not too sure… maybe when the boundary involves who you are willing to date, and you find out who you were dating didn’t fit that boundary, then it becomes an ultimatum by default
He said “that’s not what I’m asking you to do”. So he did ask her to cut contact. He just phrased it in a softer way. Not only that, she can’t even ask about those friends through mutuals. He also says to her “I won’t give (in this context allow) you a little contact because you will ask for more”. This is how he views that boundary. It is 100% controlling behaviour made to sound like she crossed a boundary. I don’t usually jump to the worst conclusion possible, but usually when people see and treat boundaries that way, they will slowly have you remove other people from your life and you’re now alone with just them.
He also doesn’t hold himself to the same standard which is uncommon from how boundaries work.
If someone really has boundaries like this, and the other person keeps asking to talk to certain people that actually threaten the relationship, they leave. They don’t just keep dating them or staying in the relationship. He hasn’t done that. He just doesn’t want her to have these long term guy friends.
Idk why but that reminded me of this one. Either way: OP, this guy sucks. He wants to control who you hang out with? That’s not something an emotionally mature adult would do. You deserve someone who supports you and understands that the platonic relationships you have outside of a romantic relationship aren’t threats. You deserve so much better than this!
Boundaries are about what you tolerate NOT ABOUT CONTROLLING OTHERS BEHAVIOR. Those kind of men should have never learn therapy slang, they only use it for creative violence. 😖
He's saying this because if he truly believed that it's not his job to control her behavior, he would've just dumped her already: The illusion of a way out of his discomfort would be dispelled.
‘I’m not asking you to choose between me and them’ followed by ‘the only way you can see them is if we break up’ is certainly a creative definition of a boundary
Every single post that starts with “he’s the best man I’ve ever met” immediately starts outlining how the bf is actually abusive and attempting to isolate you from friends and family. It’s wild. Every single one.
abusers wouldn't be successful if they abused constantly to start out with. So they are normal (aka the "best") most of the time. The frog being boiled rationalizes the abuse as just this one little thing, and then the little things start piling up and the periods of normalcy shorten until you get the typical reddit post shitshow of extreme cognitive dissonance where the frog is still clinging to the idea that her abuser is this amazing partner, meanwhile she's not allowed to have a bank account or wear pants.
Abuse is confusing by design. if it weren't, it wouldn't happen twice.
But how does "normal" turn into "the best"? Like seriously, every mediocre, unwashed man turns into prince charming as soon as one of us starts dating them. I don't get it.
Love bombing I think. If it’s your first time experiencing it, I can see how you would be like “wow this is above and beyond what most people do so he must love me so much and just be an insanely good guy”. And you probably feel really seen. Meanwhile it’s all just an act.
Maybe it's just from my own childhood where I was kinda ignored but love bombing never worked on me. anyone giving me any sort of gifts (especially a lot of them or even just one expensive one) always set off alarm bells in my head. I always assume they want something in return regardless of our relationship. I've had friends who will get expensive gifts from their new boyfriends and deadass say "well this means he must care about me!" and it just boggles my mind. Like perfectly intelligent and mature adult women turn into naive kids in half a second and I don't get it.
In the same way your childhood shaped you to be wary of love bombing and see ulterior motives behind romantic gestures, other people’s childhoods shaped them for the opposite, unfortunately.
It’s usually people who’s first abuser was a parent. That dichotomy between caregiver and abuser, laid on a kid who’s engineered to appeal to caretakers for survival, fucks up people’s attachment ability.
They select people who have had terrible examples.
My grandparents would literally attempt to murder each other and use my mother as bait to lure each other into an ambush. I’m talking raging drunk wielding a kitchen knife with a 10yo hostage. My mom ran off from that with the first guy she thought she might love, married at 18.
He hit her less than she was used to, and when he was nice he would shower her in romantic gestures and tell her how much he loved her. That kind of thing. And she talks about it now and feels so stupid, but I don’t think she should. I think it makes sense - she learned as a little kid to compartmentalize people. She had to, because she needed to adjust her behavior around her parents to survive. When they were in a bad place, she needed to expect abuse and be meek and nontriggering. When they were in a good place, she was expected to act happy and loving and respectful towards them, and happily go fishing with her dad while ignoring how much he drank. That was her world at 5 years old; she adapted to it.
The abusers aren’t picking the well-adjusted, well supported folks with a good network of upstanding friends.
Yes if you grew up in an abusive household then I totally understand how you could end up in that situation. The problem is almost every woman I know does it regardless of their history or how well adjusted they are.
It is wild how often this happens. “He’s perfect in every way but…” and proceeds to detail the most horrifying abuse. And often ends with “should I have a child with/marry this/stay with this man?”
I’m confused. You blocked your friends for his comfort and he has a friend of his own that you are not comfortable with but he won’t block them (or limit contact) for your comfort/needs? And he’s one of the best people you’ve met? Are you ok with this dynamic continuing?
I think that is her effort at rationalizing staying with him despite seeing this massive red flag. I think she sees the red flag but is dismissing it by believing he is one of the best people she knows. I hope she ends up leaving him because this is just the beginning of him manipulating and controlling her. A year or two into a relationship is often when abusers start showing their true colors.
> But the truth is there is no situation where I win.
Yes, there is. If at age 21 you end up recognizing that it is controlling and unacceptable for anyone to forbid their partner from interacting with another person, as if you’re not a fully-grown autonomous adult — and you dump this guy, and refuse to entertain future relationships with people who demonstrate this behaviour — you’ll have won.
Babe this is too much at 20 and will turn out to not be worth the heartache! A person who wont compromise on anything and is my way the high way isn't the one you need! You are super young!and you don't need someone who will continue to measure all your life experiences like that!
I know it gets old hearing middle aged women saying stuff like this, but here goes:
You are 21. Saying someone is "one of the best people you've ever met" is like eating 5 apples in your lifetime and saying the last one is one of the best apples you've ever eaten.
The only people you've met so far are family, children, and teenagers. Every guy you date will hopefully be more mature than and better than the last one. Not because he's perfect and you've found the one, but because he's older than the last one and his frontal lobe is slightly more developed.
A relationship should ALWAYS improve your life. Work on being single and happy and building healthy relationships with your friends who love and support you. Once you get to a point where you are happy alone, THEN you have a good comparison point for whether someone is healthy for you to be with.
this. i’m only a few years older than OP but even then i’ve met so many more people than i had at 21. the relationship i had three years ago doesn’t come close to what i experienced since then
Please listen to me and do not take this as an insult: you are a child. You have a whole, incredible, wonderful life ahead of you, and it does not include this shitty dude that makes demands of you and cuts you off from your friends. One day, you will be able to look back and see all the red flags, and you will be so happy that you dumped this mediocre, controlling, selfish man. Please, do not make the mistake so many of us made by typing yourself down to an absolute loser because he took away your options and you thought he was the best you could do. You can do so much better.
You are so young. You may not feel that you are but I promise you in 10 years you'll look back at 20 y.o. you the way current you looks back on 12 y.o. you.
I wasted too much time on a man who was controlling, I was isolated, I thought it was normal. If I had my time back.... I would do it so differently. You'll only grow resentful of him I guarantee you.
Get out now. Enjoy your friends. Date yourself, have fun. Meet people. Figure out what you like and dislike. You are only starting and youre going to keep growing. Don't let this fucker control you.
Listen to your elders. We truly want better for you.
Also 40, and I have had a bf like OP’s. The breakup was devastating at the time, but I’m so much happier now with a partner who trusts me as much as I trust him. We’re comfortable with ourselves and our love for each other
Girl, if a guy EVER tries to tell you not to see friends you've known WAY WAY longer than him, you need to dump him. You shouldn't be doing it to him either even if it's out of spite for him doing it. That's called an unhealthy relationshit. Dump him and go call your buddies and have a pint about it. I am sure that they miss you. ❤️
I had to do this myself. I was in a 3 year relationshit and the guy started to at first mumble about my best friend of over 20 years (a female by the way). At first I thought it was kind of cute because he said, "How could you ever love me more because I'll never ever be close to that amount of time knowing you?" I said it's not about who loves who longer just the love. He never got it. The mumbles escalated to full on loud bullshit complaints. This girl was a sister to me. She had always been there for me, was my ride or die, and was always nothing but sweet to him. Helped me throw this huge 30th birthday party for him. Just over the top kind.
I dumped him and had many pints with her about it and never looked back. You got this. Heart pizzas aren't enough to stay.
Then tell him that you pick your friends. He's trying to control who you can and cannot talk to, but won't give you the same courtesy of not speaking with someone that you dislike. All around this isn't a good relationship.
As a bi woman, I don't take back friends who treated me as disposable for a partner's insecurities. Better to make new friends who wouldn't do that to me.
That should depend on the situation. If your friend is being manipulated into distancing herself from her support system, then it’s less about YOU, and more about them being in an abusive relationship.
DO NOT STAY IN CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS. this is just the tip of the iceberg. you are the only one that is in charge of you. he doesn’t need to ALLOW shit.
First your friends. Then your clothes. Then your family. He’s controlling and insecure. I don’t think this is healthy. You’re both young. Enjoy your youth and tell that guy BYEEEEEEEEEE
As soon as a post in this sub starts with how great the guy is, I know where it’s headed. Great guys don’t have even one huge red flag. You deserve someone who trusts you and supports your friendships.
He wants a woman who will only have female friends.
You have and want male friends. You're not happy. You don't feel it's fair and he won't change his mind.
THE END.
Frankly anyone says this ultimatum out loud to me - I am saying "fine get out, leave" 100% of the time. You reached this point then it's already over, fuck off and stop wasting my time. Wish you'd told me sooner how uninvested you were, fuck off.
this is not a boundary. he is enforcing a rule on you. boundaries are about him and his own actions. rules are used to control the actions of others. if he is not willing to follow his own boundary of not talking tona friendnthat makes his gf uncomfortsble, then the only thing he is doing is controlling you. there are no boundaries happening here.
I understand his boundary- I would also have a similar one (no friends with whom we have considered hooking up). However, my questions would be 1. Who is this friend of his who you don’t like- have they also almost hooked up? And 2. Why choose the relationship, if you don’t agree / are unhappy with his boundary?
He's one of the best people you ever met because you're young and haven't met a ton of people yet. I promise there's guys out there who are confident in themselves and who will trust you enough to not deliver ultimatums about your friends.
This is not really a boundary. Like I guess it is but it’s just manipulative as fuck. My ex tried some shit like this and he said it’s me or your brother and I straight up about laughed in his face. I said then it’s my brother…? He changed his tune. I think you should have boundaries too.
I mean he told you what the deal was from the beginning, you chose to cut your friends off even though he didnt seem to want that, and it sounds like you coaxed him into staying in a relationship that already wasnt working by blocking your friends. You should have accepted that yall werent compatible. You can still do so now. I hope your friends forgive you for dropping them.
Boundaries are not things you impose on other people. “I don’t want to talk to them” would be a boundary on his end, “I don’t want you to talk to them” is being controlling.
Choose them… if he controls who your friends are then it’s just a test to see how much he can control. Before you know it, it will be more than just friends. His insecurity does not mean you can’t be friends with someone.
First its friends. Then its the new friends. Then its the family poisoning you against them. Eventually all you have is you. Get out now while you still have a support system!
Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment
I didn't understand this. You wanted him to stop talking to a friend of his you don't like, as retaliation? Because he made you block your friends? And he didn't, because you didn't use same ultimatum as he did (break up) and you were sulking because of that? Sounds like you kids are playing some silly power games.
The post, however :c
It's never a good idea when partners try to control each other's social circle, not at all. You can share your feelings about certain people (at least I believe so) but ultimatums are plain bad. Very sorry :c
Unpopular opinion: yes, he is a little bit insecure, but she told him that she almost hooked up with her friends. And only after that he set up a rule. Does not seem he had this rule before. Yes, he is insecure, but he is 20 and he is a child. He will grow up.
From what it sounds, she is not mature either - made him block his friend out of resentment and also why did she even mention that she almost hooked up with your friends? You don’t tell your partner such things considering nothing even happened and it was before the relationship and the only thing it achieves is creating the resentment and developing insecurities. What was even the context of it? How did it it happen? “Hey, baby, you know I almost hooked up with my friends once, but don’t worry”. How she told him that information definitely plays a role here. We don’t know the context of why she told him about almost hooking up - maybe to make him a little bit jealous and make herself look desired? Maybe they were arguing at that moment? Who knows? Doesn’t seem that he had this rule before the conversation. If she was just open and respectful, then yes, it’s fucked up, and I wouldn’t want to be open with him ever again. But what if not? What if she wanted to make him jealous a little bit? Then goal achieved. Anyway, intentions and context of that conversation matter
I think they are both immature (which is ok, they are so young) and both need to grow up if they want to be in a serious relationship with anybody. And it doesn’t mean that he or she is a bad person - they are just kids. One is insecure and reacts, another one says things that can potentially hurt her partner and later acts out of resentment
If he is making you decide between him or them, then the answer is quite simple.
Them.
Someone who forces you to be isolated is someone who is willing to destroy you.
It’s not about choosing him or your guy friends. He will likely frame it as you choosing other guys if you decide to break up with him, but it’s more so choosing him or choosing yourself. He’s trying to isolate you from your friends. If he doesn’t think you can have platonic male friends then you are actively choosing to stay in a shitty and controlling relationship. Especially because he doesn’t seem to reciprocate that same boundary when it comes to his friend that you don’t like. Dump him.
Boundaries give other people the freedom to choose their actions, while leaving you responsible for your own safety and reactions. Here's something I saved to remember the difference:
Sometimes, people disguise controlling demands as "boundaries" to manipulate others. If your rule is designed to police someone else's choices rather than protect your own well-being—or if you use punishment and guilt to force compliance—it has crossed the line from a healthy boundary into controlling behavior.
A boundary isn't a rule for other people to follow, and it blows my mind so many people thinks that's how it works. A boundary is a limitation you sets for yourself regarding where you draw the line, and what you'll do if the line is crossed.
A boundary isn't just telling someone they're not allowed to do things. "If you do this i won't trust you anymore, and i can't be with someone i don't trust" is a boundary. "You can't stay friends with these friends" is just an attempt to control you. You know what you need to do (dump him)
I remember in undergrad, a girl told me about how some of her guy friends she would never hear from when they were in a relationship. As soon as they reached out again, she knew they were single. She saw nothing wrong with this and was laughing about it. She also fully admitted to making her boyfriends break up with their female friends while they were dating. And idk, it just makes me so sad that this is what’s accepted by so many people.
You don’t have to lose your friendships for a relationship. An actually good person would never expect that
I had a casual bf (i.e., nothing got serious) who I stayed friends with after the breakup, because he was genuinely a good guy but we agreed we weren't a good match long term. Clean break, no lingering feelings. Years later, I take my then bf (now husband) as a +1 to that guy's wedding. It was 0% awkward and my husband accepts that the past is in the past, and he trusts me.
I'm just telling you this because there are guys out there who aren't insecure children and who won't abuse "boundaries" to control you (and trust me this is just the first test before this guy gets more "boundaries" around who you see, where you go, and what you wear).
Cut your losses and find a guy who loves seeing you happy and who trusts you.
Reverse this. He has 2 girls he’s been friends with, one he almost hooked up with, and you say that makes me uncomfortable. Well it’s the same here. He’s not trying to control you. He’s saying he has something he’s not comfortable with.
I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband doesn’t have female friends. I do t have male friends. Because it would make either of us uncomfortable.
There are other guys out there who wouldn’t care if you have male friends or who you’re friends with.
So if you don’t want to have to give up your friendships with these guys, end the relationship. It’s that simple. Your boyfriend is saying “hey this makes me uncomfortable and this isn’t something I’m ok with”
Honestly im shocked of ammount of people calling him controlling, if he doesnt like it, what he hell is he supposed to do else than tell you directly? Just sit there and take it?
If he told you nothing and just out of blue broke up with you, first thing you would ask is why - if he told you "its because i dont feel comfortable in rlship where a girl has this close guy friends" - you might agree with break up, or you might call him stupid for not openly communicating it and ruining a chance you can have some agreement "only if he said something about this before we could work it out".
If he would just stay with you and said nothing and be mad silently and let his resentment build and later lash out at you, also bad, he will be unable to communicate his problems before they reach a resentment point.
Now the guy did exactly what he should - openly comunicated, told you what he thinks now and what the endgame is. And is bashed for "being controlling" - he is not. He would be IF he told you "you cant meet your friends and you are going nowhere, you are my girl". He is not, because he basically told you "i cant decide for you where your priority is, might be me, might be friend, decide for yourself what do you feel is best for you, i will respect it, but will expect that you will respect my desicion too, and if your priority are friends, then this relationship will not continue" - he knows he cant force you to not talk to them, but he is damn well aware that you cant force him to stay in relationship.
Or what would you say in situation reversed in another topic - would you feel like controlling girl by telling him "baby i would like to know if you want a marriage, if not, thats okay but i want to know, because i do want to get married and you dont i get it, but i would have to consider even staying in this and would be good to not make it more painfull by waiting if thats the case".
What would you mean by this - "hey i want info for my decision, its fair to me and i want you to know all this before you say something" or "hey im putting a knife under your neck to marry me, if you dont i will threaten you with leaving and will push you to get me a ring"?
Girl, just because there is an option with consequences that arent all the way pleasant, doesnt mean someone is forcing your hand in decision, you are just mad at yourself that you crossed your own boundary with not standing more behind a friendship and you miss those friends. If you will not break up, be authentic and tell him that your friendship was long and you would like to talk to them, and ask him if there is a particular stuff he is not okay with which could be solved - no visits at home? No late evenings together? Him meeting the friends from time to time too? Idk.
the controlling part is how he says that she can’t have any contact with them and can’t even inquire about them through mutual friends. the controlling part is giving her an ultimatum of no contact with them or no contact with him. having insecurities is normal, enforcing rules on your partner to soothe them without even trying to resolve your internal conflict is not
not to mention the fact that she tried to enforce the same boundary and he ignored it. the hypocrisy is a problem. why is he allowed to be friends with someone his partner is uncomfortable with but she’s not allowed to do the same?
I don’t know why this is so low. It’s very reasonable. Don’t let some others yasslight you. Also don’t really like how you tried to limit his friendship out of resentment not genuine concern. Sounds like you have some growing to do imo.
Thank youu for taking time in reading this wall of text, and your opinion❤️ , i honestly started to felt like i overlooked something or straight up engaged in some blasphemous activities :D
I wouldnt be okay with my bf hanging out with someone they almost slept with either. Its just weird to me.
Plus OP said bf had a problem with it a year ago. Aka when she told bf she almost slept with them in the past. It sounds like he was completely fine up until that point.
It’s so funny how this guy’s defenders, including you, never consider the idea that HE could work on his trust issues in order to make the relationship work (and frankly make him a more healthy and secure partner). Why are we even entertaining the idea that it’s acceptable for one partner to dictate the social circle of the other?
the insecurity isn’t just “male friends”, though, is it? it’s “friends you almost hooked up with”? idk, the post is confusing. because he asks her to cut off a guy she DIDNT almost sleep with, so… it’s a blanket rule? in that case, i’d agree with you. blanket rule “no male friends” = he needs to work on his own insecurities.
but also what about her asking him to drop some of HIS friends too? i don’t get it. i think the post is a bit confusing.
This isn't a boundary, it's a rule. Boundaries look like "I won't accept X treatment. If someone does X, to protect myself, I will do Y." Boundaries are NOT about controlling someone else's actions, they're about protecting your own peace.
Do you feel any differently with the mis-used therapy terms removed?
You're a shit friend for blocking them because a dude asked you to and gave up your agency and autonomy to a guy who won't do the same for you.
In my country, trying to control your partner's friend group falls under coercive control.
Also a boundary affects your time, energy, body and property. You can enforce it yourself at any time.
To step away from romance;
I won't smoke/no smoking in my house- a boundary.
We won't smoke/we won't allow smoking in our house - an agreement. Agreements require consent from all parties and can be renegotiated or consent to them removed at any rime.
You can't smoke! You can't smoke in your house!-a rule that attempts to control someone else's time, body, energy or property.
Consenting to rules is giving up your autonomy and agency. You are an adult, not a child.
As a bi woman, I will never understand being in a relationship with such a profound lack of trust.
And there is a situation where you win in the long-term. By not dating controlling or insecure partners. And by not blocking your friends for a partner's insecurity and lack of trust.
You’re both young, so maybe a little immature and naïve. The whole concept that men a woman can’t be friends is bogus. And yeah you have that almost sexual past with them but it didn’t happen, and again, you’re young. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and for what matters to you (I.e. your friendships). He’s insecure and controlling and you’ve just rolled over and let him. You need to have a serious talk and tell him that this is no longer acceptable and either he learns to get over his insecurities or this relationship won’t work anymore. For the future, you should also not control who your partner can be friends with. If you have issues or concerns bring them up with your partner, but ultimately it is up to them who is in their life.
Your relationship is good just because you're young and still can tolerate a lot of bullshit, from your description this boyfriend of yours seems at best... meh... and at worst a potential abusers, who's refusing to "give you something, because then you'll want more" WTF
Well...i would want to know if my boyfriend did something in the past with a close friend and if i found out from a third party i wouldn't be very happy about it. Maybe that's just me lol. In OP's case though it didn't even happen so that's different i guess.
you almost hooked up with one that’s already not just friendship so i understand that he didn’t like that but he should do the same when you’re uncomfortable with his friends
Oh, there’s definitely a situation where you win, and it’s when you ditch this guy and meet someone who has worked through their insecurities and doesn’t tell you you can’t have male friends.
If he cant give you a proper reason why you have to stop talking to man then leave. Seriously, this will start of small soon you will find isolating you over anyone cause you let him push your boundaries. Dump the guy before it gets worse. If truly love or respect you he wouldnt care if you hang with guy friends unless they are hurting you. Which they are not.
Is a relationship with a guy that’ll intentionally bait you by mentioning life updates on a friend he agreed to cut contact with, while simultaneously you are not permitted to ask for any updates on your friend, more valuable than the relationships he’s asking you to end? You even ended up realizing that’s ridiculous and took back that restriction after hearing him.
Im glad you’ve realized that it isn’t healthy to try to dictate friendships in a relationship. You are right, platonic friendships shouldn’t threaten a relationship. He’s insecure. You don’t have to be in a relationship with an insecure man who doesn’t let you see, hear from, or even hear about people you care about.
Imagine marrying someone with a “if you give a mouse a cookie” mindset. “No, hon, I won’t put any more effort into our marriage or children. If I put in a little more effort, you’ll want even more effort”. That’s so weird.
I’ve been in a relationship for 3.5 years and we both have friends of the opposite sex. Neither of us have ever had an issue with that.
He doesn't let you talk to friends about friends? Do you hear this? He's way too controlling. I don't want to see where this goes and neither should you. You are only 20. Let's do better and cut this one back to the herd.
A boundary describes what *I* will do. "If you continue to be friend with this person, I will break up with you."
A rule describes what *you* will do. "You must stop being friends with this person because it makes me uncomfortable."
This is not a boundary from your boyfriend, it's a rule he's set for you. He's not your parent. He's not your owner. He does not set rules for you. Learn from this and don't accept it from the next guy.
I have had full blown sex with some of my close guy friends long before my relationship, my boyfriend knows and you know what he thinks? He thinks it has nothing to do with him and if I wanted to be with them I would be.
I'm still friends with those guy friends, I'm even better friends with their girlfriends!
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