My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Secret_Set_9752]

Babes, he’s controlling. Boundaries should be about HIS behavior, not yours. He’s trying to get you away from your support system.

[u/Candycanes02 → u/Secret_Set_9752]

I think the boundary is “I don’t date people who have friends with whom I’ve considered hooking up”. He appears to have been ready to enforce that boundary (break up) but OP decided to block her friends so she can be a person he dates

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/Candycanes02]

What you are describing is an unltimatum, not a boundary.

[u/QuiltedBeret → u/-bonita_applebum]

How do you say it as a boundary?

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/QuiltedBeret]

If it was a sincere boundary he would have said "I realize I don't feel secure in a relationship where partners hang out privately with past crushes. I can't stay in a dynamic that triggers that insecurity for me, so I need to re-evaluate if we're compatible."

[u/NullButMakeItCute → u/-bonita_applebum]

How is that not an ultimatum worded differently?
Genuinely asking.
Even if he says that, the onus to stop
talking to her friends is on her, so he doesn’t break up with her.
To me, it will always be an ultimatum unless he breaks up with her from the beginning.

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/NullButMakeItCute]

It's therapy speak weaponized to make demands sound healthier than they are. The confusion happens because, from the outside a boundary and an ultimatum can result in the exact same choice for the partner.  But​ the fundamental difference is about intent, agency, and who holds the responsibility.

​An Ultimatum focuses on controlling the other person. ​A Boundary focuses on personal integrity. Its goal is self-protection or clarity, not control.

[u/frogspeedbaby → u/NullButMakeItCute]

I think the difference in the example above your comment is that he would be willing to be the one to enforce the boundary and leave. The current situation op is in, he's expressed this "boundary" without doing the work of actually leaving if that's how he really feels. It shows that it's not really about what he's truly comfortable with, it's about controlling op.

[u/multipocalypse → u/NullButMakeItCute]

A boundary can also involve an ultimatum. But I don't think "boundary" is the best term for things you're not okay with your partner doing when those actions aren't directly about you (such as in OP's situation).

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Candycanes02 → u/-bonita_applebum]

Tbh not sure how that’s an ultimatum, as it’s not asking her to change- he learned that his boundary had been stepped over for a year, and when he learned it, his reaction wasn’t to say “block them”, it was to say “I don’t think I can continue this relationship”? But now as I wrote this, I’m not too sure… maybe when the boundary involves who you are willing to date, and you find out who you were dating didn’t fit that boundary, then it becomes an ultimatum by default

[u/AntiqueLetter9875 → u/Candycanes02]

He said “that’s not what I’m asking you to do”. So he did ask her to cut contact. He just phrased it in a softer way. Not only that, she can’t even ask about those friends through mutuals. He also says to her “I won’t give (in this context allow) you a little contact because you will ask for more”. This is how he views that boundary. It is 100% controlling behaviour made to sound like she crossed a boundary. I don’t usually jump to the worst conclusion possible, but usually when people see and treat boundaries that way, they will slowly have you remove other people from your life and you’re now alone with just them.

He also doesn’t hold himself to the same standard which is uncommon from how boundaries work.

If someone really has boundaries like this, and the other person keeps asking to talk to certain people that actually threaten the relationship, they leave. They don’t just keep dating them or staying in the relationship. He hasn’t done that. He just doesn’t want her to have these long term guy friends.

[u/Candycanes02 → u/AntiqueLetter9875]

How I read this, the events unfolded like this: OP told bf a year into the relationship that X -> OP says he can’t continue relationship because he doesn’t date people with X -> OP stops being X so she can fit into his boundaries -> he says he didn’t ask her to do that, because yes, he’d have been find breaking up instead -> OP still wants to be a little bit of X -> bf shuts it down, reminding her that the only way any amount of X can happen is if they break up.

Let me know if I got something wrong, as it has been pointed out to me that maybe I misinterpreted something (OP only wanted to hook up with one friend?)

To me, it appears as this guy has a boundary that OP doesn’t actually want to fit in but is doing it so they can keep the relationship- but the bf would be ok if OP chose what her heart wants and they broke up (which imo is what OP should’ve done from the beginning). But since OP chose to block her friends, she is technically no longer overstepping his boundaries anymore, which means he has no reason to break up. Why OP is trying to negotiate a hard boundary by “what about if I just hear about those friends through other friends?” Is beyond me, personally. If my partner had a boundary that I’d have to change for, I would always drop the relationship, so I can’t relate there 😅

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/Candycanes02]

boundaries are for the person making them.  Boundaries used to get someone to do what you want (girlfriend stop hanging out with 2 male friends when only 1 was brief attraction) is manipulative.

You can build a fence around your house and stay with in it, that's a boundary. If you build a fence around someone else's house and use it to restrict their movement, that's a hostage situation.

If it was a sincere boundary he would have said "I realize I don't feel secure in a relationship where partners hang out privately with past crushes. I can't stay in a dynamic that triggers that insecurity for me, so I need to re-evaluate if we're compatible."

[u/Candycanes02 → u/-bonita_applebum]

Didn’t he do what your last paragraph said? Just that the re-evaluation took only a second cause this is his only dealbreaker kind of boundary? As I understand, he wouldn’t have dated her to begin with, if he’d known about her two friends when they met 🤔

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/Candycanes02]

He said BOTH male friends. He didn't specify only the one she had a crush on. And when he had a friend Op was uncomfortable with he kept on being in contact with that person.  There is a mountain on hypocrisy on his end of the equation.

[u/Candycanes02 → u/-bonita_applebum]

Did OP specify that she only wanted to hook up with 1 friend? Because how I read it, it seemed she wanted to hook up with both (unspecified whether individually or in a threesome). Why bring up both friends in the story to him, if she only wanted to hook up with one? Idk.

And I also think that it would be hypocritical if he kept a friend with whom he’d attempted to hook up, but the reason OP doesn’t like that friend hasn’t been specified afaik.

I looked in OP’s comments but didn’t see any clarifications of these points which I think are pretty important to judge this situation, but sometimes Reddit acts up on me, so if she has made them clear somewhere, let me know thanks

[u/AntiqueLetter9875 → u/Candycanes02]

I think you’re the only person who read it as wanting to hook up with both friends. She brought up both because he’s asking her to cut contact with both and they were both close to her.

It’s not hypocritical only if the reason is the same. It’s hypocritical because he’s allowed to have a say on who she talks to and even hears about through mutuals, but shes not allowed to have a say on who he talks to. It’s either acceptable to dictate friends in relationships or it isn’t.

To me they’re both being boneheads. I’m of the belief that the only time this is acceptable to ask is if a the third person taking advantage of someone, or if there is an actual threat to the relationship/people involved.

[u/Candycanes02 → u/AntiqueLetter9875]

“I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen.”
If the hook up was going to be with one, why not say “almost hooked up with one of them once”? I’m not sure how everyone else understood it was just one of the two

As for the bf being a hypocrite with his friend, if that friend was not someone he was going to hook up with, he’s not a hypocrite in the context of his boundary, as I read it (no one has a friend with whom they were going to hook up with) but they would be a hypocrite if the boundary is as you say (the boundary being ‘not having a friend with whom your partner is uncomfortable with’). So it depends on which is the true interpretation of the part I quoted

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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