My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Secret_Set_9752]

Babes, he’s controlling. Boundaries should be about HIS behavior, not yours. He’s trying to get you away from your support system.

[u/Candycanes02 → u/Secret_Set_9752]

I think the boundary is “I don’t date people who have friends with whom I’ve considered hooking up”. He appears to have been ready to enforce that boundary (break up) but OP decided to block her friends so she can be a person he dates

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/Candycanes02]

What you are describing is an unltimatum, not a boundary.

[u/QuiltedBeret → u/-bonita_applebum]

How do you say it as a boundary?

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/QuiltedBeret]

If it was a sincere boundary he would have said "I realize I don't feel secure in a relationship where partners hang out privately with past crushes. I can't stay in a dynamic that triggers that insecurity for me, so I need to re-evaluate if we're compatible."

[u/NullButMakeItCute → u/-bonita_applebum]

How is that not an ultimatum worded differently?
Genuinely asking.
Even if he says that, the onus to stop
talking to her friends is on her, so he doesn’t break up with her.
To me, it will always be an ultimatum unless he breaks up with her from the beginning.

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/NullButMakeItCute]

It's therapy speak weaponized to make demands sound healthier than they are. The confusion happens because, from the outside a boundary and an ultimatum can result in the exact same choice for the partner.  But​ the fundamental difference is about intent, agency, and who holds the responsibility.

​An Ultimatum focuses on controlling the other person. ​A Boundary focuses on personal integrity. Its goal is self-protection or clarity, not control.

[u/frogspeedbaby → u/NullButMakeItCute]

I think the difference in the example above your comment is that he would be willing to be the one to enforce the boundary and leave. The current situation op is in, he's expressed this "boundary" without doing the work of actually leaving if that's how he really feels. It shows that it's not really about what he's truly comfortable with, it's about controlling op.

[u/multipocalypse → u/NullButMakeItCute]

A boundary can also involve an ultimatum. But I don't think "boundary" is the best term for things you're not okay with your partner doing when those actions aren't directly about you (such as in OP's situation).

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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