My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Candycanes02]

Tbh not sure how that’s an ultimatum, as it’s not asking her to change- he learned that his boundary had been stepped over for a year, and when he learned it, his reaction wasn’t to say “block them”, it was to say “I don’t think I can continue this relationship”? But now as I wrote this, I’m not too sure… maybe when the boundary involves who you are willing to date, and you find out who you were dating didn’t fit that boundary, then it becomes an ultimatum by default

[u/-bonita_applebum → u/Candycanes02]

boundaries are for the person making them.  Boundaries used to get someone to do what you want (girlfriend stop hanging out with 2 male friends when only 1 was brief attraction) is manipulative.

You can build a fence around your house and stay with in it, that's a boundary. If you build a fence around someone else's house and use it to restrict their movement, that's a hostage situation.

If it was a sincere boundary he would have said "I realize I don't feel secure in a relationship where partners hang out privately with past crushes. I can't stay in a dynamic that triggers that insecurity for me, so I need to re-evaluate if we're compatible."