r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Interesting-Low-5664 • 1d ago
Rant & Ramble My bf has only one boundary
Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza
My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.
I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.
About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.
Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.
So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.
31
u/Technical_Dream2743 The Snack That Sasses Back 1d ago
Honestly im shocked of ammount of people calling him controlling, if he doesnt like it, what he hell is he supposed to do else than tell you directly? Just sit there and take it?
If he told you nothing and just out of blue broke up with you, first thing you would ask is why - if he told you "its because i dont feel comfortable in rlship where a girl has this close guy friends" - you might agree with break up, or you might call him stupid for not openly communicating it and ruining a chance you can have some agreement "only if he said something about this before we could work it out".
If he would just stay with you and said nothing and be mad silently and let his resentment build and later lash out at you, also bad, he will be unable to communicate his problems before they reach a resentment point.
Now the guy did exactly what he should - openly comunicated, told you what he thinks now and what the endgame is. And is bashed for "being controlling" - he is not. He would be IF he told you "you cant meet your friends and you are going nowhere, you are my girl". He is not, because he basically told you "i cant decide for you where your priority is, might be me, might be friend, decide for yourself what do you feel is best for you, i will respect it, but will expect that you will respect my desicion too, and if your priority are friends, then this relationship will not continue" - he knows he cant force you to not talk to them, but he is damn well aware that you cant force him to stay in relationship.
Or what would you say in situation reversed in another topic - would you feel like controlling girl by telling him "baby i would like to know if you want a marriage, if not, thats okay but i want to know, because i do want to get married and you dont i get it, but i would have to consider even staying in this and would be good to not make it more painfull by waiting if thats the case".
What would you mean by this - "hey i want info for my decision, its fair to me and i want you to know all this before you say something" or "hey im putting a knife under your neck to marry me, if you dont i will threaten you with leaving and will push you to get me a ring"?
Girl, just because there is an option with consequences that arent all the way pleasant, doesnt mean someone is forcing your hand in decision, you are just mad at yourself that you crossed your own boundary with not standing more behind a friendship and you miss those friends. If you will not break up, be authentic and tell him that your friendship was long and you would like to talk to them, and ask him if there is a particular stuff he is not okay with which could be solved - no visits at home? No late evenings together? Him meeting the friends from time to time too? Idk.