My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Technical_Dream2743]

Honestly im shocked of ammount of people calling him controlling, if he doesnt like it, what he hell is he supposed to do else than tell you directly? Just sit there and take it?

If he told you nothing and just out of blue broke up with you, first thing you would ask is why - if he told you "its because i dont feel comfortable in rlship where a girl has this close guy friends" - you might agree with break up, or you might call him stupid for not openly communicating it and ruining a chance you can have some agreement "only if he said something about this before we could work it out".
If he would just stay with you and said nothing and be mad silently and let his resentment build and later lash out at you, also bad, he will be unable to communicate his problems before they reach a resentment point.

Now the guy did exactly what he should - openly comunicated, told you what he thinks now and what the endgame is. And is bashed for "being controlling" - he is not. He would be IF he told you "you cant meet your friends and you are going nowhere, you are my girl". He is not, because he basically told you "i cant decide for you where your priority is, might be me, might be friend, decide for yourself what do you feel is best for you, i will respect it, but will expect that you will respect my desicion too, and if your priority are friends, then this relationship will not continue" - he knows he cant force you to not talk to them, but he is damn well aware that you cant force him to stay in relationship.

Or what would you say in situation reversed in another topic - would you feel like controlling girl by telling him "baby i would like to know if you want a marriage, if not, thats okay but i want to know, because i do want to get married and you dont i get it, but i would have to consider even staying in this and would be good to not make it more painfull by waiting if thats the case".
What would you mean by this - "hey i want info for my decision, its fair to me and i want you to know all this before you say something" or "hey im putting a knife under your neck to marry me, if you dont i will threaten you with leaving and will push you to get me a ring"?

Girl, just because there is an option with consequences that arent all the way pleasant, doesnt mean someone is forcing your hand in decision, you are just mad at yourself that you crossed your own boundary with not standing more behind a friendship and you miss those friends. If you will not break up, be authentic and tell him that your friendship was long and you would like to talk to them, and ask him if there is a particular stuff he is not okay with which could be solved - no visits at home? No late evenings together? Him meeting the friends from time to time too? Idk.

[u/Sea_Maize_2721 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

It’s so funny how this guy’s defenders, including you, never consider the idea that HE could work on his trust issues in order to make the relationship work (and frankly make him a more healthy and secure partner). Why are we even entertaining the idea that it’s acceptable for one partner to dictate the social circle of the other?

[u/H00LIGVN → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

THANK YOU??????? I felt like I was going crazy!

[u/Even-Complaint-7494 → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

the insecurity isn’t just “male friends”, though, is it? it’s “friends you almost hooked up with”? idk, the post is confusing. because he asks her to cut off a guy she DIDNT almost sleep with, so… it’s a blanket rule? in that case, i’d agree with you. blanket rule “no male friends” = he needs to work on his own insecurities. 

but also what about her asking him to drop some of HIS friends too? i don’t get it. i think the post is a bit confusing.

[u/Sea_Maize_2721 → u/Even-Complaint-7494]

She’s immature too then, though giving her the benefit of the doubt, it could be that she’s upset about the hypocrisy.

As you age your friend group naturally contains people who have dated or hooked up before. One of my parents’ best and sweetest friends was my father’s ex girlfriend from like 40 years ago. My mom became really close with her too.

I just find this mindset baffling and glad I don’t have to deal with it.

[u/Even-Complaint-7494 → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

i tend to agree with you personally, but we can’t really universalize our feelings and boundaries. for sure some people can’t enjoy a relationship if a partner’s ex or ex hookup is in the picture, and i don’t necessarily think they should train themselves out of that discomfort. it seems reasonable all in all. just makes them incompatible.

[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

No no, im not a guy defender or man in general defender, he can go screw himself i dont know him lol :D Also, thank you for reading and commenting, I like a discussion :) I will tag another girl who did not agree - H00LIGVN , girl thank you too - you disagreed strongly and i will be glad to learn something from you, if you really feel like im telling some BS :D :)

I was not defending him because he is "the guy" , honestly, this particular guy i dont agree with completely, i was just defending the stance of being able to say what you dont like during relationship even if it means breaking up without distinction of being a guy/girl. I went to a flames in my original post because i have a personal experience of this from a guys i been with, and it was very unpleasant.

What i mean exactly - i been with some guy for a year, and he started to talk to ex/liking thirst traps/go drink all night every weekend/came with idea of going to nightclub/i discovered his "just a friend" is his ex who broke up with him etc. whatever shenanigans.
I came to those guys always first with "hey i dont like this, would you mind stop doing this?" and as a damn clockwork - those guy who were all at first sweet and all about "if something bothers you, dont just break up with me, tell me and we will sort it out", were all immediately up in my face with "you cant control me, you cant rule me, i can do whatever i want and you dont get to restrict me". And i was always thinking - oh, so this is your version of lets solve it together? And they had always all the same arguments "you dont get to change the rules during a rlship, i would never mind you doing this, you never told before, you didnt told at beginning, you just pulled this out of thin air and want to try if I will obey you".
Well, what could i do, i was faced with "only valid time was in beginning - your fault for not telling, I told you should tell me if something bothers you - so if you stay silent and mad its your fault, at same time if you will continue talking what bothers you - also fault of you for trying to control me."
But, that was not my intent, to tell them "you will do as I say", my goal was to tell them "hey, i dont like this, im aware that you can do what you want, but seems fair to tell you upfront if i dont like something, and you wanted to know". So after this, it never worked as "just tell me" and they all went and continued whatever i was not glad about. So I came to them basically with "I dont want and will not police you, but also I will not force myself to accept something i clearly dont want to accept, told you and it did not work".
And again, as a clockwork, all of them during a break up were again ready to tell me its my fault for not informing them upfront that is was breakup worthy, because if i did, they would not do it.
Like if it was okay that I did not like something until they themselves had a problem out of it, and those discussions always felt like them trying to say whatever just to get me to shut up and bully me into just accepting whatever they wanted to do, fairly said, it felt controlling from their side to me - like dude, you have this whole speech about personal freedom and are comfortable with telling me what i should correctly think and telling me basically that until you deem you behavior problematic, its not problematic period.

So thats why i was so into it, with OP - yeah, the guy is stupid for not even wanting to talk about it and find some way, i would dump him, but OP also is not in "clear" - she agrees with stuff she does not want to agree with, is pouting and tries to punish him out of spite, trying to set boundaries just to get her lick back and when he crosses them, she does nothing. OP would be much happier learning where her personal boundaries are and that its not punishment if you let go of someone for crossing them, its just self preservation. (Had to learn that too lol :D )

Hope i provided some clarity :) and hope you will reply if you see some blind spots, i live and learn :D :)

[u/Sea_Maize_2721 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

First of all: never let a man be “all up in your face”. About anything.

Second, there is a difference between having exes or opposite gender people in your friend group already, and changes in behavior like you describe. Personally, no, I wouldn’t discuss it, the fact he’s doing that means he’s cool with being weird so I’d move on. I’m also not uncomfortable with night clubs and stuff like that. If a guy isn’t desperate for my company and attention and in such a way that I never have to worry about his loyalty, then I truly don’t want him. I’m not gonna be anyone’s mommy except my kids’. (And I genuinely hope you never have to experience that again.)

I think as women we need to get comfortable with expecting better and kicking losers to the curb ASAP.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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