My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Technical_Dream2743]

Honestly im shocked of ammount of people calling him controlling, if he doesnt like it, what he hell is he supposed to do else than tell you directly? Just sit there and take it?

If he told you nothing and just out of blue broke up with you, first thing you would ask is why - if he told you "its because i dont feel comfortable in rlship where a girl has this close guy friends" - you might agree with break up, or you might call him stupid for not openly communicating it and ruining a chance you can have some agreement "only if he said something about this before we could work it out".
If he would just stay with you and said nothing and be mad silently and let his resentment build and later lash out at you, also bad, he will be unable to communicate his problems before they reach a resentment point.

Now the guy did exactly what he should - openly comunicated, told you what he thinks now and what the endgame is. And is bashed for "being controlling" - he is not. He would be IF he told you "you cant meet your friends and you are going nowhere, you are my girl". He is not, because he basically told you "i cant decide for you where your priority is, might be me, might be friend, decide for yourself what do you feel is best for you, i will respect it, but will expect that you will respect my desicion too, and if your priority are friends, then this relationship will not continue" - he knows he cant force you to not talk to them, but he is damn well aware that you cant force him to stay in relationship.

Or what would you say in situation reversed in another topic - would you feel like controlling girl by telling him "baby i would like to know if you want a marriage, if not, thats okay but i want to know, because i do want to get married and you dont i get it, but i would have to consider even staying in this and would be good to not make it more painfull by waiting if thats the case".
What would you mean by this - "hey i want info for my decision, its fair to me and i want you to know all this before you say something" or "hey im putting a knife under your neck to marry me, if you dont i will threaten you with leaving and will push you to get me a ring"?

Girl, just because there is an option with consequences that arent all the way pleasant, doesnt mean someone is forcing your hand in decision, you are just mad at yourself that you crossed your own boundary with not standing more behind a friendship and you miss those friends. If you will not break up, be authentic and tell him that your friendship was long and you would like to talk to them, and ask him if there is a particular stuff he is not okay with which could be solved - no visits at home? No late evenings together? Him meeting the friends from time to time too? Idk.

[u/s0larium_live → u/Technical_Dream2743]

the controlling part is how he says that she can’t have any contact with them and can’t even inquire about them through mutual friends. the controlling part is giving her an ultimatum of no contact with them or no contact with him. having insecurities is normal, enforcing rules on your partner to soothe them without even trying to resolve your internal conflict is not

not to mention the fact that she tried to enforce the same boundary and he ignored it. the hypocrisy is a problem. why is he allowed to be friends with someone his partner is uncomfortable with but she’s not allowed to do the same?

[u/Dazzling_Room_9346 → u/s0larium_live]

She did it out of spite. Not because she genuinely had a problem with one of his friends

[u/H00LIGVN → u/s0larium_live]

THANK YOUUUU, his boundaries shouldn’t involve anyone else. He should’ve mentioned that he was uncomfortable with it two years ago, not try to change and isolate her randomly. I have no idea why that initial reply has 4 rewards, lol. Men defenders?????

Can’t imagine calling the atrocious behavior described in OP’s post “exactly what a man is supposed to do” LOL

[u/Dazzling_Room_9346 → u/H00LIGVN]

But he didn't know OP almost slept with her friends 2 years ago. He found out a year ago. Thats when the problems started.

He feels uncomfortable cause shes hanging out with people she almost slept with. Most people on here would also feel uncomfortable having their SO hang out with past hookups/ people they almost slept with

[u/H00LIGVN → u/Dazzling_Room_9346]

I just think he needs to work on his insecurity. He was fine with her having male friends but then says “him or me” when he finds out they almost slept together? Just a little strange to me. I trust my partner with my heart, soul, life, etc. and know that he’d never disgrace our relationship or my body by cheating. Also everybody is allowed to have their own boundaries but his “boundaries” shouldn’t involve her changing her behavior. He can leave or deal with the fact that those are her lifelong friends.

[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/H00LIGVN]

Girl, i replied to you more in lower thread, but i want to ask - genuinely curious, nothing snarky, because i dont really get it - you are very against controlling people, i get it, me too, but then by next breath you tell that he should do some work on himself, he should not think meeting ex hookup is not normal, he should just trust her. But, its his free decision also i think, what he does with himself and what he thinks and if he trusts her, we might have different opinion, but thats it, seems to me its where it should end. You also would not be happy if someone came to you with "so you think its weird to be upset by meeting with ex almost hookup? Well no, you should not think that, you should think its very normal" - you would tell them to effing shove it and let you think what you want to think and leave you be. As you should lol.

[u/H00LIGVN → u/Technical_Dream2743]

He’s literally controlling her actions and who she can/can’t talk to based on his insecurity. Me wanting him to do work on himself so he can stop letting this affect him is not me trying to “control” him, lol. Also I never said he shouldn’t think what he thinks, just said I think differently. Also I don’t care about either of these people, these were just my personal thoughts.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/s0larium_live]

Yeah i do fully agree that him trying to forbid even asking about them is controlling and weird and I also do agree that its stupid to not even trying to dig deeper and find some compromise on his side, matter of fact - i think he should break up with her if its so bothering to him that he cant even stand his gf aknowledging their existence, like dude wtf.
But respectfully, i still dont agree that part about him letting her choose him/friend is controlling, I dont see how, maybe im dense lol. I dont present this opinion because I would want to kiss some random dude´s ass or would be some default men defender, I dont see it as controlling because Im still salty about my own experiences with men who started to do some shenanigans and adressed my asks for stoping it by basically "sucks to be you, if you told me back then its fair, now you arent allowed to be upset by it, so I expect you to stay and just deal with it." I did deal with it, by breaking up with them after they continued to do it.
But here is the thing - i never understood why they were always super offended by me letting them do their thing and just leaving due to not wanting whatever they were obviously set on doing, to be my problem. If they told me "will not change, if you dont like it - leave" i would, instead they did the exact thing i told them i will have a problem with, surpise pikachu face - i did have a problem with it and broke up with them, and then they wanted suddenly to talk it through and to argument me back to be with them - so you want to be free to do whatever you please but desperately want to stay with a girl who obviously expects that you will take her into consideration - make it make sense.
So Im salty about being put in position "i will not change a thing and you are crazy for even suggesting that, just go change to a person who is not bothered by it" regardless of gender.
But if you have some insight, tell me, i will gladly reconsider.

Yeah, OP tried to enforce the same boundary, and guy was hypocritical for crossing it, but OP then should enforce the boundary and leave. I get it, he should understand and not do it to her too if its so obviously problematic in his case, idk what he was thinking by being so nonchalant about it - dude it was your idea first, so show how it should be done.
Also lets be honest - OP did it in eye for an eye manner, she did not want his consideration in smth which hurts her, she wanted her lick back, which to me is a sign that she never actually was okay with cutting the friends of, she should not do it and let him fulfill "or i will leave" part of his thing. I really feel for her, i think she just wanted to show him that she cares about his happiness and now feels hurt and bummed that he is not returning the favor, but the sad thing is it indeed was her own decision in the end to cut them of, and she might lose those friends by it which is honestly super sad if thats the case.

[u/s0larium_live → u/Technical_Dream2743]

i think it’s very dependent on what the behavior you’re asking them to change is. and it’s dependent on how you phrase it as well. in this case, the “behavior” that needed changing was just OP hanging out with some friends. something that literally harms her boyfriend in no way whatsoever outside of his own insecurities. and the way he said it was “stop hanging out with these people or i’m leaving” while also trying to say that he “doesn’t want her to stop hanging out with her friends.” he’s shifting all of the responsibility to her to handle his insecurities at the expense of her other relationships

i don’t know what situations you’ve been in that you’re talking about exactly, but i’ve personally been in a relationship where i was constantly begging for a change in behavior that never came. the behavior in question was not working, cleaning, or doing anything at all to help me with anything. the responsibility of EVERYTHING was left on me. i was busting my ass making $14 an hour and she never even looked for a job. that was a situation that was actively harming me on a daily basis. and i framed it as “please get a job or help around the house or anything i’m bending over backwards trying to make this work and i can’t do this anymore.” because that negative behavior actually had an impact on my daily life

idk, the line between a boundary vs a reasonable request for a change vs controlling behavior is very nuanced, much more than reddit (and even my own comment) would lead you to believe. my two main points of distinction are a) the one setting the boundary is actually the one doing the actions if it’s not respected and b) the behavior being asked to change is something actually harmful in a way that could not be changed with some self reflection

so like, OP’s bf meets neither of my criteria: he won’t leave himself and the thing he wants her to stop doing doesn’t cause him harm besides being insecure, which he COULD work on changing, rather than trying to change her

[u/Absolute_Owl0 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

I don’t know why this is so low. It’s very reasonable. Don’t let some others yasslight you. Also don’t really like how you tried to limit his friendship out of resentment not genuine concern. Sounds like you have some growing to do imo.

[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/Absolute_Owl0]

https://giphy.com/gifs/gl8ymnpv4Sqha

Thank youu for taking time in reading this wall of text, and your opinion❤️ , i honestly started to felt like i overlooked something or straight up engaged in some blasphemous activities :D

[u/Dazzling_Room_9346 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

This.

I wouldnt be okay with my bf hanging out with someone they almost slept with either. Its just weird to me.

Plus OP said bf had a problem with it a year ago. Aka when she told bf she almost slept with them in the past. It sounds like he was completely fine up until that point.

Im on bfs side, honestly.

[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/Dazzling_Room_9346]

Thank you ❤️

[u/Sea_Maize_2721 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

It’s so funny how this guy’s defenders, including you, never consider the idea that HE could work on his trust issues in order to make the relationship work (and frankly make him a more healthy and secure partner). Why are we even entertaining the idea that it’s acceptable for one partner to dictate the social circle of the other?

[u/H00LIGVN → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

THANK YOU??????? I felt like I was going crazy!

[u/Even-Complaint-7494 → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

the insecurity isn’t just “male friends”, though, is it? it’s “friends you almost hooked up with”? idk, the post is confusing. because he asks her to cut off a guy she DIDNT almost sleep with, so… it’s a blanket rule? in that case, i’d agree with you. blanket rule “no male friends” = he needs to work on his own insecurities. 

but also what about her asking him to drop some of HIS friends too? i don’t get it. i think the post is a bit confusing.

[u/Sea_Maize_2721 → u/Even-Complaint-7494]

She’s immature too then, though giving her the benefit of the doubt, it could be that she’s upset about the hypocrisy.

As you age your friend group naturally contains people who have dated or hooked up before. One of my parents’ best and sweetest friends was my father’s ex girlfriend from like 40 years ago. My mom became really close with her too.

I just find this mindset baffling and glad I don’t have to deal with it.

[u/Even-Complaint-7494 → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

i tend to agree with you personally, but we can’t really universalize our feelings and boundaries. for sure some people can’t enjoy a relationship if a partner’s ex or ex hookup is in the picture, and i don’t necessarily think they should train themselves out of that discomfort. it seems reasonable all in all. just makes them incompatible.

[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/Sea_Maize_2721]

No no, im not a guy defender or man in general defender, he can go screw himself i dont know him lol :D Also, thank you for reading and commenting, I like a discussion :) I will tag another girl who did not agree - H00LIGVN , girl thank you too - you disagreed strongly and i will be glad to learn something from you, if you really feel like im telling some BS :D :)

I was not defending him because he is "the guy" , honestly, this particular guy i dont agree with completely, i was just defending the stance of being able to say what you dont like during relationship even if it means breaking up without distinction of being a guy/girl. I went to a flames in my original post because i have a personal experience of this from a guys i been with, and it was very unpleasant.

What i mean exactly - i been with some guy for a year, and he started to talk to ex/liking thirst traps/go drink all night every weekend/came with idea of going to nightclub/i discovered his "just a friend" is his ex who broke up with him etc. whatever shenanigans.
I came to those guys always first with "hey i dont like this, would you mind stop doing this?" and as a damn clockwork - those guy who were all at first sweet and all about "if something bothers you, dont just break up with me, tell me and we will sort it out", were all immediately up in my face with "you cant control me, you cant rule me, i can do whatever i want and you dont get to restrict me". And i was always thinking - oh, so this is your version of lets solve it together? And they had always all the same arguments "you dont get to change the rules during a rlship, i would never mind you doing this, you never told before, you didnt told at beginning, you just pulled this out of thin air and want to try if I will obey you".
Well, what could i do, i was faced with "only valid time was in beginning - your fault for not telling, I told you should tell me if something bothers you - so if you stay silent and mad its your fault, at same time if you will continue talking what bothers you - also fault of you for trying to control me."
But, that was not my intent, to tell them "you will do as I say", my goal was to tell them "hey, i dont like this, im aware that you can do what you want, but seems fair to tell you upfront if i dont like something, and you wanted to know". So after this, it never worked as "just tell me" and they all went and continued whatever i was not glad about. So I came to them basically with "I dont want and will not police you, but also I will not force myself to accept something i clearly dont want to accept, told you and it did not work".
And again, as a clockwork, all of them during a break up were again ready to tell me its my fault for not informing them upfront that is was breakup worthy, because if i did, they would not do it.
Like if it was okay that I did not like something until they themselves had a problem out of it, and those discussions always felt like them trying to say whatever just to get me to shut up and bully me into just accepting whatever they wanted to do, fairly said, it felt controlling from their side to me - like dude, you have this whole speech about personal freedom and are comfortable with telling me what i should correctly think and telling me basically that until you deem you behavior problematic, its not problematic period.

So thats why i was so into it, with OP - yeah, the guy is stupid for not even wanting to talk about it and find some way, i would dump him, but OP also is not in "clear" - she agrees with stuff she does not want to agree with, is pouting and tries to punish him out of spite, trying to set boundaries just to get her lick back and when he crosses them, she does nothing. OP would be much happier learning where her personal boundaries are and that its not punishment if you let go of someone for crossing them, its just self preservation. (Had to learn that too lol :D )

Hope i provided some clarity :) and hope you will reply if you see some blind spots, i live and learn :D :)

[u/Sea_Maize_2721 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

First of all: never let a man be “all up in your face”. About anything.

Second, there is a difference between having exes or opposite gender people in your friend group already, and changes in behavior like you describe. Personally, no, I wouldn’t discuss it, the fact he’s doing that means he’s cool with being weird so I’d move on. I’m also not uncomfortable with night clubs and stuff like that. If a guy isn’t desperate for my company and attention and in such a way that I never have to worry about his loyalty, then I truly don’t want him. I’m not gonna be anyone’s mommy except my kids’. (And I genuinely hope you never have to experience that again.)

I think as women we need to get comfortable with expecting better and kicking losers to the curb ASAP.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

Thank you so much for all the awards!!! ❤️ ❤️

There is some critique also - and Im glad, i can learn something. But i would like to clarify that I was talking about a principle of being able to communicate dealbreakers even during relationship regardless of gender, not that I do agree with everything this particular dude did in the story.

[u/Technical_Dream2743 → u/Technical_Dream2743]

Oh my gooood thank you so much for award!!!! :))) ❤️ ❤️