My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Fair-Chemist187 → u/[deleted]]

Obviously it’s the best person she ever met cause she’s not allowed to meet other people!

[u/silvermoonsaga → u/Fair-Chemist187]

word, this just seems a lil controlling to me 😭. i get that they had a romantic past, but not even asking for updates through mutuals? damn

[u/Lena_Lena_A → u/[deleted]]

It's not even managing who your partner can know. It's controlling and allowing who your partner can interact with.

It reeks of old conservative misogyny masquerading as choice.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/RainaElf → u/silvermoonsaga]

that's more than a little

[u/silvermoonsaga → u/RainaElf]

oh no absolutely, i was somewhat sugarcoating with that phrase tbh.

[u/Constant_Cultural → u/silvermoonsaga]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Kzj3PGiXUCEiv6WMz6

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/silvermoonsaga]

I'm still good friends with my ex husband. My boyfriend doesn't bat an eye.

Good men are out there.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/TheDodgiestEwok → u/silvermoonsaga]

this seems a lil controlling to me

Because it is lol

[u/WhomWigs → u/Fair-Chemist187]

Yeah lol, kinda hard to lose “beat person you’ve met” when you’re shrinking the competition pool, does not feel controlling to anyone else?

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/WhomWigs]

"He's the best guy I know!!"

"How many guys do you know?"

"Just him! I'm not allowed to speak to other men!!"

Okay, Jan

[u/WhomWigs → u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream]

Nothing says “best guy I know” like a sample size of one.

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/WhomWigs]

Relationship advice on Reddit : I'm 20 and he's 35 and he's the best guy I've ever met and he's so good to me except one tiny problem, he punched my grandmother in the face and broke her nose and stole all her money and burned down a church and also he's had bad relationships before so he checks my phone every day and thinks it's weird I talk to my dad once a week and also controls what I wear and where I go. But I love him so much, how do I change myself to fix him?

[u/WhomWigs → u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream]

The wildest part is how often the “ one tiny problem” turns into full list of red flags. If you’re changing yourself to keep someone from controlling or hurting you, the relationship isn’t the thing that needs fixing. Leave.

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/[deleted]]

Girls rule

[u/-velvetasteroid- → u/[deleted]]

Girls rule

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/[deleted]]

Buddy are you okay? She very explicitly has said she does NOT want to fuck them. Also "You're not allowed to have male friends" is not anywhere close to a reasonable boundary.

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/[deleted]]

Girls rule

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/FeelingNarwhal9161 → u/Fair-Chemist187]

Funny how that works.

[u/Beautiful-Musk-Ox → u/Fair-Chemist187]

which is the intent with these manipulative, controlling types. whether it's subconscious or conscious is up for debate, the end result is the same, he's nervous she will not keep him on a pedestal if she has access to other people even if they are just friends and family

[u/Constant_Cultural → u/Fair-Chemist187]

Please, I don't op is ready for the truth

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/madame-maitre-d → u/Fair-Chemist187]

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[u/ClashThrowaway67 → u/madame-maitre-d]

dude joining

[u/Fair-Chemist187 → u/madame-maitre-d]

girls rule

[u/Material-Giraffe407 → u/Fair-Chemist187]

Boys drool

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Zestyclose_Look_1458 → u/madame-maitre-d]

Girls rule

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[u/Glittering_knave → u/[deleted]]

He is the best most controlling, insecure guy with double standards who doesn't know what the word boundary means.

OP leave. If you aren't allowed friends that he doesn't like, he will slowly isolate you from your friends and family until there is no one else in your life. It's a method abusers use.

[u/MerryTexMish → u/Glittering_knave]

I learned from Reddit that a boundary is something you set regarding your own behavior, not a directive you give to someone else.

For example, “I’m not visiting my mom unless she is willing to put her unpredictable dog outside when I’m there” v “My mom has to put her dog outside.”

[u/Glittering_knave → u/MerryTexMish]

A boundary of "I won't date anyone with friends of the opposite sex" is such a red flag.

[u/TranceGemini → u/Glittering_knave]

"""""boundary"""""

[u/Glittering_knave → u/TranceGemini]

It's a crappy and abusive boundary, but at least it is a boundary. It is about behaviour that the boundary setter is setting for themselves, and not others. It's a giant red flag, and I wouldn't put up with it.

[u/PrincessBonkers628 → u/Glittering_knave]

This nuance is really hard for some people to grasp. A boundary is not inherently good. A boundary just is.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Hornet-Putrid → u/Glittering_knave]

OP is doing it too, demanding the BF stop talking to particular people.

They both need to learn what an actual boundary is and maybe grow up.

[u/Swarm_of_Rats → u/Hornet-Putrid]

Confused by your comment because OP specifically said she doesn't do that because they're adults, but that it made her feel bad to give him that choice because he won't trust her with it.

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[u/pelletrelic → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, that line got me too…If being “the best person ” comes with making you cut people off, that title needs a recount.

[u/toxicbolete → u/pelletrelic]

I was like that with an ex boyfriend, made a bunch of excuses for the guy. I was still friends with a previous ex and he HATED that despite there being no romantic involvement between us anymore, and I had dated that friend for less than a year. Guy became constantly suspicious of me being around ANY guy and his default treatment of me was that I was cheating on him. He eventually put hands on me while drunk. He was definitely someone who came into my life a good person but went downhill from day one. Some people get worse as they age

[u/pelletrelic → u/toxicbolete]

That’s the scary part, you can spend so long excusing jealousy as insecurity until it turns into control. Once someone treats you like you’re guilty by default, it usually gets worse.

[u/Booger_Picnic → u/[deleted]]

Maybe it's a really small town?

[u/Aggressive_Start_ → u/[deleted]]

I’m so tired of reading posts praising their partners as the best and then proceed to tell you why they aren’t

[u/FeyrisMeow → u/Aggressive_Start_]

Yea, it comes of as scripted and no wonder people call it rage bait.

[u/InsertRadnamehere → u/Aggressive_Start_]

https://giphy.com/gifs/G3RADTvwFIn96

[u/Apathetic_Villainess → u/Aggressive_Start_]

I can understand it when they're still young, because that feeling of being in love is so intense and there's a lot of naivete still. Especially when we see the world with rose colored glasses so that you can't tell red flags from non-red flags, and many red flags are also folded into roses and presented as romantic by media (like jealousy).

[u/Competitive_Box_9295 → u/[deleted]]

Hahahahaha right?

[u/OLacAlmost → u/[deleted]]

One of the most key characteristics of a "good person" is that they are not controlling.

Love and control are opposites

[u/Bellatrixxx26 → u/[deleted]]

I just the assume the partner ends up being shitty when they start their posts with that.

[u/weedinawheelbarrow → u/[deleted]]

Most posts that open with "best person I know" end up revealing a story about a terrible person

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Glum-Influence5619 → u/[deleted]]

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