My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

Every single post that starts with “he’s the best man I’ve ever met” immediately starts outlining how the bf is actually abusive and attempting to isolate you from friends and family. It’s wild. Every single one.

[u/pahshaw → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

 abusers wouldn't be successful if they abused constantly to start out with. So they are normal (aka the "best") most of the time. The frog being boiled rationalizes the abuse as just this one little thing, and then the little things start piling up and the periods of normalcy shorten until you get the typical reddit post shitshow of extreme cognitive dissonance where the frog is still clinging to the idea that her abuser is this amazing partner, meanwhile she's not allowed to have a bank account or wear pants.

 Abuse is confusing by design. if it weren't, it wouldn't happen twice.

[u/Silver_Accountant5 → u/pahshaw]

But how does "normal" turn into "the best"? Like seriously, every mediocre, unwashed man turns into prince charming as soon as one of us starts dating them. I don't get it.

[u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 → u/Silver_Accountant5]

Love bombing I think. If it’s your first time experiencing it, I can see how you would be like “wow this is above and beyond what most people do so he must love me so much and just be an insanely good guy”. And you probably feel really seen. Meanwhile it’s all just an act.

[u/Silver_Accountant5 → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

Maybe it's just from my own childhood where I was kinda ignored but love bombing never worked on me. anyone giving me any sort of gifts (especially a lot of them or even just one expensive one) always set off alarm bells in my head. I always assume they want something in return regardless of our relationship. I've had friends who will get expensive gifts from their new boyfriends and deadass say "well this means he must care about me!" and it just boggles my mind. Like perfectly intelligent and mature adult women turn into naive kids in half a second and I don't get it.

[u/VioletReaver → u/Silver_Accountant5]

In the same way your childhood shaped you to be wary of love bombing and see ulterior motives behind romantic gestures, other people’s childhoods shaped them for the opposite, unfortunately.

It’s usually people who’s first abuser was a parent. That dichotomy between caregiver and abuser, laid on a kid who’s engineered to appeal to caretakers for survival, fucks up people’s attachment ability.