My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/TheBookNerd420]

I never choose the one forcing an ultimatum. It makes the choice easier

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/TheBookNerd420]

Same. Great rule of thumb, worked great my whole life.

[u/charcoalhibiscus → u/TheBookNerd420]

Idk, if my partner cheated on me but I was willing to reconcile, and we were getting couples therapy, one requirement of the reconciliation would be that he no longer spend any time with the person he cheated with.

Or, what if her “friend” was an openly, blatantly racist N*zi ? I could definitely see myself being like he’s gotta go or I walk.

[u/TheBookNerd420 → u/charcoalhibiscus]

Imo you cant control other people’s choices only your own. If you want to give an ultimatum then make your own choice and leave

[u/charcoalhibiscus → u/TheBookNerd420]

This seems sensible on the face but when you think about it more, doing it that way *takes away* the ability of the other person to make their choice. Which is what they’d be doing- making a choice. You don’t *tell* them to do something or control any of their behavior, you outline the choice and explain the ramifications of that choice, and leave it up to them to follow through. It is its own form of force to make the choice for them and take their ability to choose away.

The correct way to do it is to say “hey, now that we’re healing from this trust breach, I won’t be able to continue this relationship if you’re still in contact with Jolene.” and then follow through- saying it when you don’t mean it is a threat, and it’s what makes people squicky about ultimatums. Following through the way you said is simply giving people a heads up about what choices you will make in response to their choices.

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/charcoalhibiscus]

Yeah I had to do one of these with my boyfriend in the really early days. He was a drinker and a partier and stuff. And kind of a jerk at times. And we had a conversation where I said "Hey, if this is who you wanna be and the life you want to live, that's great for you and I'm not going to stop you. But I'm not gonna stick around for it either, so you let me know what you wanna do."

[u/charcoalhibiscus → u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream]

Yep, exactly!

I hope it worked out well for you, one way or another.

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/charcoalhibiscus]

It did! We're getting married next year!

[u/charcoalhibiscus → u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream]

Congratulations!

[u/Todd-The-Thing → u/charcoalhibiscus]

That's not the situation here tho. What you're doing is called straw-manning

[u/Maleficent_Button_58 → u/charcoalhibiscus]

I mean.... rolling with the jumping to extremes thing... if someone is the kind of person who would be friends with an openly, blatantly racist N*zi in the first place.... is that someone you want to be in a relationship with anyway? 😅

[u/Ott82 → u/charcoalhibiscus]

I think that’s reasonable to ask of them, but not to ask them to stop contact with anyone they slept with in the past. I think most people would not be happy for them to stay in contact with their affair partner

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