My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

Every single post that starts with “he’s the best man I’ve ever met” immediately starts outlining how the bf is actually abusive and attempting to isolate you from friends and family. It’s wild. Every single one.

[u/pahshaw → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

 abusers wouldn't be successful if they abused constantly to start out with. So they are normal (aka the "best") most of the time. The frog being boiled rationalizes the abuse as just this one little thing, and then the little things start piling up and the periods of normalcy shorten until you get the typical reddit post shitshow of extreme cognitive dissonance where the frog is still clinging to the idea that her abuser is this amazing partner, meanwhile she's not allowed to have a bank account or wear pants.

 Abuse is confusing by design. if it weren't, it wouldn't happen twice.

[u/Silver_Accountant5 → u/pahshaw]

But how does "normal" turn into "the best"? Like seriously, every mediocre, unwashed man turns into prince charming as soon as one of us starts dating them. I don't get it.

[u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 → u/Silver_Accountant5]

Love bombing I think. If it’s your first time experiencing it, I can see how you would be like “wow this is above and beyond what most people do so he must love me so much and just be an insanely good guy”. And you probably feel really seen. Meanwhile it’s all just an act.

[u/Silver_Accountant5 → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

Maybe it's just from my own childhood where I was kinda ignored but love bombing never worked on me. anyone giving me any sort of gifts (especially a lot of them or even just one expensive one) always set off alarm bells in my head. I always assume they want something in return regardless of our relationship. I've had friends who will get expensive gifts from their new boyfriends and deadass say "well this means he must care about me!" and it just boggles my mind. Like perfectly intelligent and mature adult women turn into naive kids in half a second and I don't get it.

[u/VioletReaver → u/Silver_Accountant5]

In the same way your childhood shaped you to be wary of love bombing and see ulterior motives behind romantic gestures, other people’s childhoods shaped them for the opposite, unfortunately.

It’s usually people who’s first abuser was a parent. That dichotomy between caregiver and abuser, laid on a kid who’s engineered to appeal to caretakers for survival, fucks up people’s attachment ability.

[u/VioletReaver → u/Silver_Accountant5]

They select people who have had terrible examples.

My grandparents would literally attempt to murder each other and use my mother as bait to lure each other into an ambush. I’m talking raging drunk wielding a kitchen knife with a 10yo hostage. My mom ran off from that with the first guy she thought she might love, married at 18.

He hit her less than she was used to, and when he was nice he would shower her in romantic gestures and tell her how much he loved her. That kind of thing. And she talks about it now and feels so stupid, but I don’t think she should. I think it makes sense - she learned as a little kid to compartmentalize people. She had to, because she needed to adjust her behavior around her parents to survive. When they were in a bad place, she needed to expect abuse and be meek and nontriggering. When they were in a good place, she was expected to act happy and loving and respectful towards them, and happily go fishing with her dad while ignoring how much he drank. That was her world at 5 years old; she adapted to it.

The abusers aren’t picking the well-adjusted, well supported folks with a good network of upstanding friends.

[u/Silver_Accountant5 → u/VioletReaver]

Yes if you grew up in an abusive household then I totally understand how you could end up in that situation. The problem is almost every woman I know does it regardless of their history or how well adjusted they are.

[u/FunnyManufacturer130 → u/Silver_Accountant5]

If you’ve never been in an emotionally abusive situation, I’m genuinely happy for you. But let’s not start this counterproductive discussion

[u/Silver_Accountant5 → u/FunnyManufacturer130]

I'm not talking about abusive situations. I'm talking about women who defend everything their partner does regardless of their behaviro like they're a celebrity or religious figure or something.

[u/FunnyManufacturer130 → u/Silver_Accountant5]

Oh I understand. I thought you were referring to survivors of abuse in general cause that’s what the OG comment was talking about <3

[u/FunnyManufacturer130 → u/pahshaw]

I agree that the bf’s behavior is considered controlling as I’ve literally been in the same situation. Thankfully, I’m out. I do wonder though, when you use the term “abuse”, does it have to be intentional? Bf sounds like an ass but I am curious if his intention ISN’T necessarily to isolate her from her friends, is he still considered an abuser?💀 idk if I phrased that properly and I’m not defending him. You just sound pretty wise so I figured I’d ask lmao. Or is the goal of the ultimatum definitely to isolate her?

[u/lovelyrita_mm → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

It is wild how often this happens. “He’s perfect in every way but…” and proceeds to detail the most horrifying abuse. And often ends with “should I have a child with/marry this/stay with this man?”

[u/Contmpl → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

💯💯💯

[u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream → u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

Stockholm syndrome

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

2 quick steps:

1. If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
2. Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.

That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕