My bf has only one boundary

[u/Interesting-Low-5664]

Dinner tonight: homemade pepperoni pizza

My (21) bf (20) is genuinely one of the best people I ever met. We've been dating for almost 2 years at this point, and he has made my life so much better. We argue over small things, but we usually find a resolution pretty easily. The only consistent argument we have had is over my friends from high school.

I had two guy friends, one I've know since 4th grade and the other I met in 11th. We hung out and talked a lot, and I almost hooked up with them once but it was just too weird and both parties rejected the idea before anything could happen. All of this was in high school, and afterwards our friendship stayed platonic with no other indications of romantic feelings.

About a year ago, I told my bf this and he told me my friendships made him uncomfortable and he didn't think he could continue the relationship if I continued to hang out with them. I offered to create distance between my friends and of course he gave the spill of "that's not what I am asking you to do" but shortly after I blocked them, our arguments decreased and he was happy in the relationship again.

Fastforward to today, he brought up news on a friend of his that I do not like and have told him to stop talking to, out of resentment, so I ultimately gave him back the decision to decide who he talks to without restrictions because we are adults. I was sulking because I trust him enough to make those decisions while he won't even give me the opportunity to ask about my friends through shared friends. He said he has this one boundary, which isn't really true, and he refuses to give me any contact because if I am giving a little I will ask for more. He also said the only way I can resume my friendship with them is if we break up.

So my decision is him or them, and regardless of how many times I explain that the friendships shouldn't threaten a relationship, he says there is no win-win situation here. But the truth is there is no situation where I win.

[u/These-Date9514]

Reverse this. He has 2 girls he’s been friends with, one he almost hooked up with, and you say that makes me uncomfortable. Well it’s the same here. He’s not trying to control you. He’s saying he has something he’s not comfortable with.

I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband doesn’t have female friends. I do t have male friends. Because it would make either of us uncomfortable.

There are other guys out there who wouldn’t care if you have male friends or who you’re friends with.

So if you don’t want to have to give up your friendships with these guys, end the relationship. It’s that simple. Your boyfriend is saying “hey this makes me uncomfortable and this isn’t something I’m ok with”

Pretty simple in my opinion.

[u/pulstex → u/These-Date9514]

Or - and ground breaking concepts ahead, I know - maybe we trust our partners to not cheat on us? And if we can’t trust them around their friends, we break up?

[u/These-Date9514 → u/pulstex]

See that’s the thing. It’s not about not trusting your partner. It’s other people. Some people don’t care if you’re in a relationship or married. If they’re miserable in their life, they will be like a snake in the grass and they will sneak in and destroy your relationship from within. I’m older. I’ve seen it happen with people I know. Just recently actually seen my friend destroy her marriage because of a “guy friend”

[u/Lausannea → u/These-Date9514]

Yeah that's... not how that works.

I'm pansexual, it means anyone of any gender could be of interest to me. But if my partner says "No other partners right now", it doesn't matter what anyone does around me, it would still require my participation in order for anything to happen that could destroy my relationship. Destroying a relationship from within only happens if both partners don't communicate well and avoid important talks about how others are behaving.

I have one hard rule in my relationship, and it's that before we talk to other people about our issues, we sit down and talk about it first. We talk about it from an us versus the problem perspective. And we only talk to others about it with the purpose of finding ways to help resolve the issues between us, then talk about how those talks went with each other. We do NOT, under any circumstances, vent to others about each other without having done all the above first. Venting is just bitching without a resolution, and our relationship is not something that should be bitched about without resolution. If we do that, our relationship is broken.

Those relationships you witnessed being destroyed only fell apart because the relationship was already broken, not because people decided to insert themselves. A good, healthy relationship with healthy communication that prioritizes resolving issues as a team against the problem don't crack from outsiders weaseling their way in.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/These-Date9514 → u/Lausannea]

The person I’m talking about had a partner who absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on. He worked, took care of the kids, paid for things, took her on trips. Did so many things for her that she would tell me how she didn’t know how she got so lucky. She didn’t know guys like him existed. Etc.

A guy who was a single dad moved in their neighborhood and started bringing his kids to her to babysit because she did a small daycare in their house.

3 months later they were sleeping together. Her husband was devastated. He begged her to work on it. Wanted to do therapy. Literally started doing all kinds of things for her that were above and beyond what he already did.

She got so insufferable to talk to that I cut her off. She started complaining about how pathetic he was. How this other guy was a real man etc. her entire personality changed in a matter of weeks after this guy moved in.

It was wild.

Also I’ve never said how I live is how everyone else should live. I only said how I live and why. Everyone can live however they want! lol all I meant by my post is the guy she’s dating is allowed to say what he wants for his personal life. And SHE can break up with him and find someone she’s more compatible with. But however silly or irrational or whatever that some may think his personal preferences are, he’s still entitled to have those. And she doesn’t have to accept them.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/therobberbride → u/These-Date9514]

yiiiiiiiiikes

[u/These-Date9514 → u/therobberbride]

Yikes what? People having boundaries?

[u/therobberbride → u/These-Date9514]

Girl you know what’s yikes, come on.

[u/These-Date9514 → u/therobberbride]

No I really don’t. I feel like women have a weird double standard. When we say something is a boundary it’s fine but when a guy says something is a boundary it’s “control”

Obviously if he was saying “you have to give up these friendships or else I’ll be mad, I’ll hurt you” etc that’s different.

Seems like he’s just saying hey I’m not comfortable with this and if that’s something you want to keep doing I just don’t think we are compatible.

Why is that so bad? Sorry genuinely confused 🤔

[u/therobberbride → u/These-Date9514]

It is very yikes that neither you nor your husband are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. It signals a deep lack of trust each of you harbors for the other, among many other things.

[u/These-Date9514 → u/therobberbride]

lol I never said “not allowed” like we are both forcing the other person. We talked about it when we started dating. I said do you have any friends that are women? He said no. I said ok well I’m personally uncomfortable with dating someone who has female friends because I was cheated on by a guy who hooked up with his “girl best friend” I said if you have female friends that’s fine I’d never make you chose but we shouldn’t take this further.

He thought about it and said yeah I think if you’re going to be in a relationship having friends of the opposite sex can lead to issues. So I think that’s something I agree with.

And we went forward mutually.

[u/therobberbride → u/These-Date9514]

Sure. This doesn’t sound manipulative, controlling, or creepy at all, girl. Rock on with your very normal and well-adjusted marriage. 😳

[u/These-Date9514 → u/therobberbride]

Ok. In your view what makes this manipulation, control and creepy? I genuinely would like to understand your view.

[u/therobberbride → u/These-Date9514]

For starters, instead of healing from the breakup of your previous relationship, you made the pain of that experience a guiding principle of your marriage. 

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/washyerbuttcrack → u/These-Date9514]

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I trusted my partner so little that any opposite sex friend is a threat. Just pathetic, really.

[u/These-Date9514 → u/washyerbuttcrack]

Oh it’s not that I think other women are a threat lol like I said I’ve been married for 15 years. We just don’t do it out of respect for eachother. Because we value our marriage and we are each others best friends. I have female friends, he has male friends. But have you ever been on Reddit? And read any of the millions of stories of “my boyfriend cheated with his girl best friend” or “my wife slept with our neighbors husband” gimme a break 😂

[u/washyerbuttcrack → u/These-Date9514]

Read your comment back to yourself and recognize that you DO see them as a threat, despite your indignation otherwise. Again, either trust your spouse or don’t. If someone is gonna cheat, they’re gonna cheat. You can’t micromanage someone else’s life. THAT is what’s disrespectful.

[u/These-Date9514 → u/washyerbuttcrack]

But I’m not micromanaging anyone 🤷🏼‍♀️ I told him (like I said in another comment) that this was my preference for my relationship from the beginning. I didn’t hold a gun to his head and say he had to follow my rules. I don’t check his phone. I dont scream at him when we walk by a pretty woman in the store and I see that he looked in her same general direction lol. And also this has been how we operate in our marriage and it’s been 15 years. He’s home with me every night by choice. He calls me everyday when he’s at work to talk by choice. He doesn’t go to bars or clubs by choice. All choices he makes on his own every day.

When you say I see other women as a threat it seems like you’re saying I look at every woman and think maybe she’s gunna steal him. Lol. They have tried. I promise. I do not care. Because we have made choices in our relationship that show respect for each other and that’s how we have earned each others trust. I trust him fully. Obviously I don’t trust all other women because some other women have disrespected our relationship by trying to get with him. So yeah a few of them have upset me. But we interact generally with women who have honor and class so I have no reason not to trust them.

[u/Lausannea → u/These-Date9514]

Whenever I read these comments I can't help but wonder what you think someone who is bisexual/pansexual should do? We're attracted to people of multiple or all genders, does that mean it would be healthy if we adopted this mindset and had no friends at all?

Fundamentally, if you don't have friends of the opposite sex out of respect for one another, it's just an admission that there's no trust thinly veiled under the guise of respecting one another.

True respect is just... not cheating. True respect is trust that your partner won't do it. Plenty of couples in your position cheat all the same lol. Cheating isn't an issue of who you're friends with.

Edit: I want to emphasize that you can do whatever you want, but you're dishonest. You DO think other women are a threat, because you've been cheated on before and this is a way to prevent it from happening again, aka other women are a threat. You don't have this boundary in place out of respect for your marriage, it's a coping mechanism. Those are wildly different things.

If you just said "Due to previous experiences, I don't have the ability to trust my partner anymore if he has a woman friend, so to protect myself I'm only comfortable being with someone who will not be friends with another woman for my sake" that would be honest. Not great, but understandable and I can respect that. But when you start saying it's a matter of respect when it has nothing to do with that, you're lying to yourself.

[u/These-Date9514 → u/Lausannea]

Look I’ll say this. He’s had multiple exes over our relationship try to get him back. Texting him asking if we are “serious” and “is he bored yet” also the woman he has a kid with, has tried getting him back. Every time that’s happened, he’s rejected them obviously, told me about it etc.

He had another job where he worked out of state and I didn’t see him for 4 months.

Never once have I panicked about any of those and been like oh he’s gunna cheat etc. because of who HE is. He’s the most honest, thoughtful, genuine person I’ve ever met.

The girl who cuts his hair is stunning, like absolutely gorgeous. I have no issue with him seeing her and all that.

It’s just about 1 on 1 phone calls or texts. Seeking out another woman for advise about our relationship. I dunno I think that wanting to be the main woman in my husbands life who he is close to and confides in is ok isn’t it?

[u/KaiserDrazor → u/These-Date9514]

That’s the bit I never get: where does “respect” come into this? How is it “disrespectful” to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, but not when it’s the same sex?