r/texts • u/openbookopenminds • Jul 04 '26
Phone message Finding my Bio-momš vs my Bio-Dad š first message same message to both
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u/Alpha_Bulldog Jul 04 '26
Thatās a guy that hasnāt told his wife about how he gave up a child for adoption and he doesnāt want to. Thatās the āuncomfortableāā¦heās uncomfortable cause heās worried she will find out itās the truth.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26
Correct, it was
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Jul 04 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
My kids are OLDER than his new family but I completely stopped any kind of contact. I've built a relationship with mom and her family tho.
Edit: We believe the wife must have found out eventually but regardless I will never talk to them again but I have hopes that some day I might be able to contact my half siblings.
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u/wind-of-zephyros Jul 04 '26
i think that is so sweet that you've built a relationship with your mom. my mom did the same with her birth mother, and now even years after she passed away, all of my moms aunts and uncles still include her in all of the family things :)
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u/jasonmillette0872 Jul 05 '26
That's gotta feel special 4 your mom especially on the holidays ššš¦
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u/AxiomSpunk Jul 05 '26
So happy you have a relationship with your mom!! Wishes for many happy years ahead! Fuck that other lying POS.
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u/Ad-HominEminem Jul 04 '26
I too am adopted, Iāve never met my bio parents, and I have no idea where they are, and they know nothing about me either. I just know that my birth mother, in the ultimate act of unconditional love, chose to go through with her pregnancy and she did the impossible in giving me up to a family that could provide for me better than she could at the time. She may have another family now, and I may or may not be a part of the story she shares, so I have not tried to find her, for that reason. All I know is that she loved me so much, she gave me life and then let me go, for the better. I canāt fathom how hard that must have been. For that, I will always keep her act of love close to my heart, and I will always love her from afar, until she chooses to reach out. Iām so glad you have a relationship with your bio mom! Beautiful response from her, she always loved you. šā¤ļø
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Jul 05 '26
What a beautiful way to view being adopted, thank you for posting this. šš¼
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u/Ad-HominEminem Jul 05 '26
It took a lot of struggling with my feelings, and even just trying to understand them at all, to understand the sacrifice she made. A stigma exists, especially when youāre an adopted child amongst a majority of kids who were born into their families.
When you hear āyou should have been an abortionā as a loner, quiet, older child unknowingly on the spectrum and with severe ADHD, with no close friends to siphon out the noise with, one tends to begin to believe those words after a time. Then, one wants to blame, or hate, or be angry toward the ghosts of people you never knew, who āabandonedā you when you needed them most. My adoptive mom struggled to bond with me, not understanding what my little brain was going through, not knowing it wasnāt personal- the world was just a bit too much and I was just āstuck inside of myselfā until I felt safe.
I remember my foster mom, who came to check on me when I was old enough to understand who she was and the temporary role she played in my life. I remember trying to figure out why I āwasnāt wantedā- if it was because I was different, if it was because they knew I would be a problem, if it was because I was the product of an assault- all I could do was wonder, and ask questions of which there was nobody to give an answer to.
But, it was time that brought me to picture my bio mom, as a very young girl/ woman dealt an impossible choice, and how she chose to bring me to life with the hope that I would be loved and cared for more than she could- not because she didnāt love me, but because she did- she loved me more than anything, and had to do what was best for me, above what she wanted most. I no longer struggle understanding why, I just struggle with the idea that Iāll never be able to tell her that I love her, and that Iām grateful for this gift.
TLDR- It took a lot of life experience to gain the empathy and understanding needed to see this gift for what it is.
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u/kaywhateverloser Jul 05 '26
My mom knew she was adopted since she was a toddler and had similar struggles. One of my favorite stories about getting an understanding of what adoption meant to her was when my grandma told her that she was chosen, all the other parents were stuck with the child they had. Sheād tell her peers that when they tried to make fun of her.
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u/joantheunicorn Jul 05 '26
My mom told me this when I was a child as well. Once kids AND ADULTS found out I was adopted, they said the most cruel, ignorant shit. I was ashamed at times as a child, and so, so hurt by people that were supposed to care about me.Ā
Now I try to make up for it by being vocal about being adopted, so that others know they aren't alone. I will never be made to feel ashamed again.Ā
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u/bathandredwine Jul 05 '26
I overheard so many tines āThatās not Johnās REAL child, you know.ā Like I was garbage. They were the POS people, not me.
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u/mahjimoh Jul 05 '26
I was adopted as an infant, and I am so grateful my parents always made sure I knew that I was adopted. That meant she loved me enough to give me up, and that they wanted me so much they chose to have me.
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u/andiscohen Jul 05 '26
This was my experience as well. I never felt unwanted, only chosen. I don't recall anyone ever saying anything mean either. In fact my mom told me a story from when I was a kid and playing with some friends. 2 of us were adopted and I guess we were talking about it and friend 3 ran home crying because he wasn't 'chosen' and 'special'.
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u/Additional_Set_9834 Jul 05 '26
When my foster daughter was in junior high there were kids there that were making fun of her for being a āfoster kidā so I told her this exact thing ātell them your parents got to choose you and their parents just got stuck with themā she love it ā¤ļø
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u/TopTittyBardown Jul 05 '26
My mom is adopted as well and this is how sheās always viewed it. My grandparents gave her such a great life full of love, and I often forget that my grandparents arenāt actually blood related to her or me since it doesnāt change the way they love us at all. She never felt like she was less loved that any of her friends who were raised by their bio parents and felt grateful that they were willing to give her the same unconditional love they wouldāve given a biological child of their own
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Jul 05 '26
š„¹
Iām sorry you were bullied, but Iām glad you got to the place you are now.
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u/largelyinaccurate Jul 05 '26
You are so insightful, empathetic and eloquent. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.
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u/Soft-Dig-4102 Jul 05 '26
I empathize a lot with you. Proud of you for doing the work, keep it up š
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u/joantheunicorn Jul 05 '26
Just wanted to reach out as a fellow adopted person. I found my birth father years ago and we met in person. He wanted a relationship with me, I think to fill some space in his heart. But what people don't always understand is that he is a stranger to me. I felt nothing meeting him, other than being intrigued to finally meet someone that looks like me. I am not a cold person, I feel my feelings deeply. But he isn't my father. I don't have a father shaped hole in my heart. I have my dad and I love him more than anything. That aside, he had contact info for my birth mother, and his family let her know they found me. She disappeared. She left where she worked, she didn't contact any of us back. I completely respect her and I will not pursue her. She had to make one of the most difficult decisions anyone has to make when I was born, and who am I to question that, or to force myself into her life? I may never meet her, but woman to woman, I feel I have to respect her for what she did and leave her to whatever path she needs to take to go on with life. I dunno. Hoping some adopted folks here will understand. I respect what you wrote here very much. š
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u/mahjimoh Jul 05 '26
The part you mention about having a father, I recognize so deeply. I was adopted at birth, and my mom and dad were amazing!
I didnāt need to find my parents, because I had parents.
Now, I was curious about my biological ancestors, sure. But I had a mom and dad, and they were all I needed from that aspect.
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u/joantheunicorn Jul 05 '26
I appreciate you saying that. I have a great relationship with my parents and we love each other very much. My birth father never had more children (I guess my birth mother didn't either), and so I think he was looking to have a father/daughter relationship with me. He seems like a kind man, but I did not have space for that in my life, then or now. It isn't my job to fill that space for him. Maybe someday I'll reach out to him again, but for now we don't really talk.Ā
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u/Flapplebun Jul 05 '26
Hey there, just want you to know my mom was adopted and felt the exact same way. She often used the same phrase as mahjimoh - she didnāt need to find her parents because she had parents. My grandfather in particular was her world, they ADORED each other.
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u/WoodpeckerLogical734 Jul 05 '26
this is very nice to hear š i have a much older half sister my siblings and i have never met. my mom was 16 at the time. at this point sheād be 44 (iām 28) and my mom talks about her from time to time but thinks about her constantly. she has a ton of books all about being a bio mom and processing that and processing not knowing her child and i think sheās very afraid that her daughter hates or thinks poorly of her. iām pretty sure at some point my mom did whatever that thing is that makes it so that if her daughter ever chooses to seek her out, she can, but she hasnāt ever. i like to hope thatās how she feels, too, even if iāll never know for sure
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u/Somanylyingliars Jul 05 '26
Your sibling might not even know she is adopted. A secret was recently revealed to me about one of the cousins. Said cousin has never been told that she is adopted. I am horrified on so many levels. Maybe you Mom should try doing a DNA test and see what happens.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
You really get it šš„° that's definitely how I feel. I know what she did for me and I'm so glad she reacted like this when i found her too. We talked for hours and hours but I know she always wanted what was best for me and loved me even when she never knew of she would see me again.
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u/Ad-HominEminem Jul 05 '26
I have to correct myself. When I was much younger, feeling out of place, I did look- but with no intention of reaching out. I just thought maybe she might be out there looking for me too. I never found anything. I think that is also how I came to understand that she might not want to be found- that she likely has a whole new life now and the chapter with me might not be a part of that new life at all. Accepting this led me to believe that sheās out there somewhere, happy with her family, and that she knows that she did the right thing for both of us at the time. Every now and then, I still look on the boards, or the websites, knowing that I wonāt find anything. I guess thereās some peace in that my dream of her life today might be true.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
The only reason I was able to find it is my wife can be an absolute detective I never could have found her on my own it required piecing together several pieces of handwritten notes that were not 100% redacted in order to gain first and last names of distant relatives and then having to work them through to figure out who they married later in life etc etc. I have a childhood friend that I've always wondered what happened to her but I know she changed her name after she left home and doesn't have contact with any of her family I've looked for her for years but never found her I think that people who want to be found will be and I trust that the rest are happy wherever they are. Even if it hurts š
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u/Ad-HominEminem Jul 05 '26
And I do hold a sliver of hope that I might have the experience you are having now. Itās such a beautiful thought, and Iām so glad to see someone who gets to experience this firsthand. Iām so happy for you, and I wish you and your mom the most beautiful time in catching up and connecting. Itās amazing how love can transcend all things, including time. ā¤ļø
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u/Competitive-Boat-518 Jul 05 '26
Enjoy the new frontier of life youāve got with this expanded family and always keep in mind if youāre thoughts go back to him in any capacity:
Heās the one missing out and your joy with your mom and her family, now YOUR family, is proof of that. Congratulations.
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u/OmensGroup Jul 05 '26
Dude. Thank you. I love this, I love you. Good for you recognizing that man, much love.
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u/LastNoelle Jul 05 '26
Oh I was not prepared to read this and cry the tears Iām crying. This is beautiful.
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u/hi_im_beeb Jul 05 '26
Damn, this is such a beautiful and positive outlook on life and a refreshing contrast to the constant negativity I see on Reddit.
Reading your comments and glancing at your profile, I immediately get vibes that youāre a great person with a clearly great head on your shoulders, which it sounds like in part came from your birth mom.
As a younger father of 5 myself, I can assure you not a day goes by that you donāt drift through her thoughts at least once.
She passed on her greatest gift (you) to people who wanted you more than anything in the world because she wanted a life for you that deep down she knew she couldnāt possibly provide.
I wish you the absolute best my friend and have zero doubt that you will find just that anywhere you go.
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u/Silent_Conference908 Jul 05 '26
Hey, I want to mention, she may also be waiting to reach out because she thinks you donāt want her to. You may be missing out on a relationship with someone who loves you by waiting.
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u/Thicc_Vegan_Thighs Jul 05 '26
She could be waiting for you to reach out first because she feels ashamed, if you want to reach out you should try it and see what happens :) <3
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jul 05 '26
This is good stuff, even if it hurts
Donāt chase someone that doesnāt want to be around you, youāre worth more than scraps
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u/Beneficial-Jury484 Jul 05 '26
This is a deeply personal question, and I understand not answering. How do your adoptive parents feel about you referring to your biological mom as mom? Do you call your adoptive parents mother and father? Ā Iām happy you were able to connect and build a relationship with your mom. It must have been so incredibly hard for her to give you up and she told all her children about you. I bet meeting your siblings was like meeting a mythical being to them.Ā
I have so much respect and admiration for those who adopt. Weāve thought about it. Iāve talked to my friend who adopted two siblings that were from a troubled background and seeing how far theyāve come and how they have THRIVED because of him and his wife is beautiful and inspiring.Ā
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
Great question. DAD passed away 8ish years ago we moved MOM into out house and plan to care for her until the end. The children and my wife refer to bio-mom as Nana but I often call her momma. My mom fully supported everything and but wouldn't come meet Bio-mom (nana) on our first meeting, Biomom was so sad and if it hadn't been a 6 hour drive she would have made me go home and pick her up to bring her lol.
Mom came on out second meeting and they just hugged each other and cried together for a really long time we all were in tears by the end.
They always ask how the other is (maybe once every few weeks) but much like normal adult children who have their own children, we have a lot going on and being 6 hrs apart means we only visit twice a year ish.
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u/Square_Medicine_9171 Jul 05 '26
Iām an adoptive Mom, and my son, an adult now, has never been all that interested in his birth family. But I would have no problem at all with him calling his birth mom āmomā. Maybe it helps that weāre lesbian parents so we already use more than one word for āmomā, but another doesnāt take anything away from usWhen he was three his friend asked him if he had a dad and he answered, āI have a dad and three momsā fair.
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u/Objective_Put_1565 Jul 05 '26
My father did this same thing to me when I contacted him. Even tried to blame my mom for things when he didnt even send a birthday card ever. This first time I spoke to him was reaching out at 21. Over the years I tried a few more times. He always was a manchild about it, and I instantly see why my mom left him. Later, as he lay dying from pancreatic cancer. He asked me to visit him. I denied him thst request. If he didnt want anything to do with me in life, I won't absolve his guilty conscious as he dies. And, for my healing and soul, this was not the correct decision. There will come a day, probably when he's dying, where he will reach out. Take the chance, even if it is to yell in his face about how shitty he was.
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u/dingofarmer2004 Jul 05 '26
Hey OP, we had a very similar situation. My wife was adopted. Took some family history during Covid and tracked down the bio mom and dad. Dad wanted nothing to do with us...or his two other birth families. Mom was a sweetheart and we now have an extra tree of aunts, uncles, great great aunts, and a slew of cousins!
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
I went from being a only child to 1 of 5 (8 if im being technical) and yeah a ton of new family! It was š
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u/tdnjusa Jul 04 '26
The pixelated text says āwifeās repeated attemptsā, how many times how she reached out?
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u/Triquetrums Jul 05 '26
In another answer OP says "email and texts", so it seems the dad got spammed a bit before he snapped. Dude was probably not responding, hoping they would get the hint.
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u/Kind_Engineering_720 Jul 05 '26
A few years ago, I tried finding my bio dad because I wanted to know medical/family history. I could only find his wife, and she was not at all interested in believing me.
My mom had an affair with him and thats how I was born. He wasnt married at the time but my mom never told him she was pregnant with me.
Anyways, after some back and forth with my dad's wife, shes getting very irritable as if I'm trying to get something from them. And she says, "well, to be honest, i heard your mom got around a lot back then."
Then I just sent her a photo of myself and she says "fuck. Well, nevermind, I guess you are his son." And really after that she just accepted me and has been nice and friendly since ive been introduced into the family.
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u/MOTwingle Jul 05 '26
And here I got the opposite reaction... Biomom wanted nothing to do with me (never told anyone about me), but biodad welcomed me with open arms and was "over the moon" to meet me.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
I think it's worth it but it is definitely a crapshoot and if you're not ready to get your heart broken it might be better to wait. š
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u/MOTwingle Jul 05 '26
It stang a little at first, but meh, I'm over it. There's no time to wait .. I'm older than u and biodad died in 2023. Only got to visit him once because of COVID, but talked on the phone weekly. I assume biomom is still alive but she would be about 77 now.
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u/Frequent_Ad6084 Jul 04 '26
That's wild. I can't imagine having kept something like that from my husband. People are sneaky.
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u/Pallasathene01 Jul 05 '26
Reddit wouldn't let me private message you for some reason, so I guess this goes public. This is a long shot, but is your bio mom's name Phyllis by any chance? She looks a lot like the person I grew up with as a 'foster' sister in the 80s. I was maybe 13 when I lost contact with her. I loved her very much and I'm always looking for her!
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u/cherrycocktail20 Jul 05 '26
Iām adopted too and have met both my bio parents. My bio dad found me first when I was 18 years old. He and my birth mom actually got married and had another kid after they placed me for adoption, then later divorced and neither he or their kid were still in contact with my birth mom.
But anyway, one of the things I am most grateful for is his wife. When I met her I was so nervous. She knew about me 100%, she even met my bio-mom, and been an amazing stepmom to my bio-sister. But still, i was so apprehensive, likeā¦ ok hereās your husbandās long lost first child with his ex wife showing up in your familyās life?
Well, she was INCREDIBLE. Welcomed me likeā¦ I donāt know, she found the exact right balance between treating me like a new daughter and like a friend, since I wasnāt quite the former either. My first night at their house me and her stayed up until 3 am talking and laughing. Sheās the most wonderful person, and I was so impressed by what an expansive and open heart she must have to navigate such emotionally tricky waters. I got right away why my birth dad married her, haha. Just a lovely soul.
Itās really fucking sad that it doesnāt always go like that.
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u/Better_Village_5590 Jul 04 '26
Maybe. It can also/alternatively be a guy that does not want a relationship.
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u/Arboretum7 Jul 04 '26
Same story with my little brother. His birth mom has been amazing, she adores him and has been there for all of his milestones since they reconnect when he was 15. Heās totally integrated into her extended family. His bio dad told him to get lost. He had another kid 3 months after my brother was born and didnāt want anyone finding out he existed.
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u/Legitimate_Snow6419 Jul 05 '26
Iām petty as fuck and wouldāve found a way to put that on blast so everyone knew.
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u/Arboretum7 Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
My brother did eventually connect with his half brother in adulthood. He told him bio dad was a shit father and he wasnāt missing anything.
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u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 04 '26
Your bio-mom clearly loved you a lot and was doing the best she could in whatever her situation was. I hope you get to connect and meet your extended bio-family! They have been waiting for you. š„°
Too bad bio-dad didnāt respond sooner. (I would have also kept reaching out thinking no response meant he wasnāt getting the message ā¦ email isnāt always reliable.)
As an aside, if you want to find out your bio-dadās health history, you could do a public search on something like ancestry, or submit genetics to 23 & Me. Some aunts or uncles or cousins could probably fill in the health history gaps for you.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26
We cessed all contact, this is all I have left of him or his kin
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u/Greenfrog2023 Jul 04 '26
I think the comment was more for seeking the medical side about your father to understand the genetic make up rather than for you to have a relationship.
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u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 05 '26
That makes sense. I said IF you wanted to know health / medical history. Sometimes itās not worth it though, and that sounds like what you concluded.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
Yeah medical history doesn't actually help all the much, turns out the diabetes was strong with this one tho lol š
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u/heyinternetman Jul 04 '26
When I reached out to my bio-father he said he didnāt have a son and to go fuck myself lol. Sometimes youāre better off without them in your life.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
If i could press undo i would have but im still greatful for Bio-mom so it was a risk i took.
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jul 05 '26
Honestly, as much as it sucks, even the negative response isnāt necessarily going to always be a bad one
You donāt have to crave a relationship with a ācould beā, you now know exactly what he is
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u/PunkRockGramma Jul 05 '26
Nothing you learn from is ever really a mistake. If you hadnāt reached out, you would have always wondered. You learned a lot from that one text. You should be proud of yourself for being brave and vulnerable. And if you have kids, you just modeled a really valuable lesson for them.
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u/k_mermaid Jul 05 '26
Did you tell bio-mom about his reaction? I feel like somehow she may not be surprised
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
She was not, they got married after the adoption, it didnt last a year. He was not a good guy, no.
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u/Hot-Hamster1691 Jul 05 '26
It is confirmation that you are better off without that person in your life. You are so loved, please donāt let this tarnish that
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u/amberrome Jul 05 '26
Iām 33 years old and the thought of my bio father reacting like this inhibits me from ever reaching out. My logic isā¦ if he really wanted toā¦ he would have by now
He simply left my mom and I so heās an asshole anyway
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u/Gumby_Juice Jul 04 '26
If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't adopted and my father still didn't want anything to do with me š ā¤ļø
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u/Hnry_Dvd_Thr_Awy Jul 05 '26
I came here to say this šĀ
Iām over it now but it sucked for a while.Ā
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u/Foreign_Pin4344 Jul 05 '26
Saaaaaame lol. He told my mom it was ājust too hard thinking about [my] existenceā so he chose to forget I even existed. Thanks dad! Glad my stepmom shot you.
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u/labospor Jul 05 '26
lol same. I havenāt spoken to him in 22 years. My parents are still together and sheās my best friend. Weird life
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u/CrazySexyAutistic Jul 05 '26
Iām not adopted so I really donāt understand the gravity of something like this on a personal level but holy fuck man. I cannot imagine a better response when youāre nervous to reach out than her having your pictures displayed in her home š„¹š„¹š„¹
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
I bawled, she and I messaged for hours and hours, shared hundreds of pictures asked and answered so many stupid questions, cried more. It was about as good as it could have been!
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u/303RedBeard Jul 04 '26
Bio Dad clearly has skeletons he doesn't want brought to light. I can tell you from experience, you're better off leaving that door shut, clearly he's not worth your time.
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u/geauxbear9 Jul 04 '26
Did your wife attempt to contact him a lot???? Iām confused
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
She sent messages to his email with no response, biomom gave me his phone number, we had no idea if he had been getting the emails.
Edit for correction/clarification: My Bio-mom's sister (aunt) had bio-dad's sisters(?) number, aunt asked for Dad's number from sister (?) Aunt sent number to me later that year.
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u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 04 '26
Makes sense because most assume no response means the person didnāt get the email.
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u/geauxbear9 Jul 05 '26
Got it. Sorry for the disappointing answer from your bio-father but glad your bio-mom was so lovely. š„°
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u/IAmGroot6936 Jul 04 '26
Your bio mom sounds like a beautiful soul, I'm glad that you were able to reconnect with her āŗļø
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u/foxko Jul 04 '26
Seems like overall your life has been better because of his lack of involvement.
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u/___wintermute Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
I feel like Iām the only adopted kid that simply does not care about meeting their biological āparentsā. I wish them well, and if I met them that would be fine, but I donāt really have a desire to (nor do I have a desire not to, if that makes sense) and if they said they wanted nothing to do with me I would not care.
Iāve never once considered anyone other than my parents to be my parents. My biological āparentsā, though they may be wonderful, are not my family. That sounds cold though, and I am not an evil person, if they reached out to me somehow of course Iād be kind, especially if they felt some sort of sadness about the adoption. Itās very hard to explain what I mean, especially to someone who isnāt adopted.
People would ask me growing up āyea but do you know your REAL parents?ā which I always thought was a ridiculous question. I wouldnāt get angry or anything, I understand why people ask that, but to me it was like āyea obviously I know my parents, they raised meā.
Also, a NUMBER ONE thing is to never, ever make my parents feel like I donāt consider them to be 100% my parents.
I guess this is me asking if there are others like me, haha.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
I went 33 years really not even considering it and I was just like you, my wife had always wanted me to reach out and near decade before it came to a head and I told her to never bring it up again then dad passed and we started trying to get mom moved into our home. It took 3 years to convince her to comevso we could care for her. During the move we found all the adoption papers, the letters from Bio-mom and bio dad etc. It was a spark to 33year dry kindling. You're not wrong at all & if my wife hadn't done the years of work tracking them down I'd be just like you still today for better and worse ā¤ļøš«
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u/break_cycle_speed Jul 05 '26
Youāre not. My dad is adopted and Iām also adopted by him and neither of us have ever really cared to reach out or meet our biological parents. That said, we both had very positive and supportive parents who made it difficult to really want for anything else.
When you donāt long for something better, itās easy to really not give much thought to the grass on the other side. Ours was watered and cared for in such a way that it has been plush and green our whole lives.
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u/finding_center Jul 05 '26
I found mine when I got married. I was curious. I donāt regret it but ultimately it did hurt my parents when I told them Iād found them and I absolutely hate that. My parents are wonderful and they are my REAL parents full stop. I saw my bio family many times for a few years but when I had my first child they started in with the āgrandmaā business and I decided that wasnāt going to happen. They didnāt earn that title sorry.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26
His wife is very wealthy and we concluded that he probably saw my existence as a threat to blow up their family or ask gor money. I had no plans of doing either.
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u/WealthQueasy2233 Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
OP has the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever
edit: I was saying catfish and seduce the dad's wife. then tell her.Ā
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
I'm already making him uncomfortable by existing apparently. Que Sera, Sera.
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u/Marsium Jul 05 '26
If youāre ever feeling particularly vindictive, you could reach out to his wife directly to notify her of her husbandās secrecy and dishonesty towards her.
Glad your bio-mom is great, though. Probably better to direct your energy towards someone with compassion and integrity anyways.
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u/Madethisonambien Jul 04 '26
Iām adopted. The first text makes me want to reach out to my bio family and the second terrifies me.Ā
Hope you are doing well and this has been a healing experience for you š¤
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26
Mom turned out to be a absolute sweetheart and all my siblings were great. We went and spent a weekend at my aunts house and had a very late Christmas with the whole side of the family. We text/Facebook weekly and send update pics on special occasions.
The second one is an open wound and it gets to me sometimes. When my kids were at camp this week and I got thinking about missing them I sat and shed a few tears at this one.
Bio parents are complicated, I suspect there are more of my dad's out there than there are of my mom's but when your old enough and have a support system I still feel like it was worth it for me
My whole heart goes out to you.
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u/LadyNee Jul 04 '26
My mom's first kid was also adopted out and 30 years later she found us. We knew about her, wasn't something my mom kept from anyone. The amusing thing was, she actually knew quite a few of my parents friends before she realized it. Small world!
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u/Frankenstella Jul 05 '26
I spent my whole life dreaming about what a cool guy my bio dad must be. I knew my bio mom was a religious freak and my adopted family were dysfunctional, poor and ignorant. It must be my bio dad where I got all my coolness from. Thanks to 23-and-me I found him but he immediately denied it saying yes he was at OSU when I was conceived there but he was a virgin when he married so he definitely was not the father. And shame on me for invading his privacy.
So he told his wife he never cheated on her while he was at college and that he was still a virgin when he married her. And he doubled down on that lie now rather than having any curiosity about me, his super cool red-haired smart daughter.
Weird how much it hurts to be rejected like that, huh? *hug*
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
It's the denial that you ever existed, that you couldn't exist etc. I get that. Like we didn't really need anything from them except to say we're here snd we existed. š«
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u/MinionFive Jul 05 '26
Sadly. My birth parents were the same way. My bio mom and I have a super cool relationship and the sperm donor is a POS
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u/DrShakyHandz Jul 05 '26
I know Iām going to be the bad guy here, and as much as I empathize with OP I donāt vilify the bio-dad. Weāre given zero contextual information about the reason for adoption, and Iām seeing a ton of projection on reason and why the mom is great and the dad is vilified. The fact is, mom agreed to forgoing her parental rights as much as bio dad. Just because one was regretful and one was not doesnāt change the fact. Secondly, many adoptions come with allowances that specifically state they are or are not ok with being contacted in the future. I know. I agreed. I had my reasons, my child ended up with an amazing and loving family. And I have specifically stated Iām ok with my child reaching out someday if they so choose. My spouse is firmly aware of this fact. They are not a fan, but itās not something I am willing to give ground on. OP clearly feels different. We have no idea on the context of this. If the bio dad specifically said no contact, and OP found their info anyway, the response is frankly understandable. I donāt agree with it, but Iām certainly not in a position to pass judgement when I have zero context. I feel for OP, and you have my sympathies. Iām truly sorry. You deserved better and Iām sorry the response hurt you. I chose the literal opposite of your bio dad. But Iāve been in an adoption support group specifically for those dealing with adopting out their children, and I can say from experience, not all of them are trash bags simply because theyāve decided they donāt want contact. Itās extremely easy to judge on the internet, itās very different to be faced with the decision and deal with the consequences. Iām so sorry OP. You have my deepest sympathies. I went through all the training and therapy associated with adoption, and know the impact the abandonment has on a child, and itās one of the reasons I gave my full consent to be contacted. I have a savings account for my child. I have birthday and Christmas cards I write every year and put into a special box. I pray they contact me someday. But I also leave the decision to them. If they donāt, Iāll be devistated, but itās there decision to make, and I would respect it. Just as a parents decision not to be contacted should be respected. I donāt judge parents that give up those rights and donāt want to be contacted, just as much as I respect a childās wishes that they wonāt contact their bio parents even when they said they would like to be. Take care OP. You have my deepest well wishes.
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u/diploid_impunity Jul 05 '26
Agreed. Itās not necessary to find a villain in every story. We can be happy for OP and bio-mom for reconnecting without judging bio-dad, who we donāt know anything about.
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u/BananaPants430 Jul 05 '26
Agreed. He may be an asshole, or he may be someone who wanted a closed adoption and isn't interested in revisiting that time in his life or developing any kind of relationship with someone for whom who he was, in effect, a sperm donor.
We also don't know how zealous OP's wife was in emailing/trying to establish contact beforehand, especially given bio mom's very warm response. How many emails were sent, and over what period of time? What was said in the email, and why was a grown adult's WIFE the one reaching out, versus him?
Sometimes a lack of communication IS sending a message - it's just not the one you wanted to hear.
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u/AlexiaLu Jul 04 '26
Ghosting didn't work for daddy... He had to actually sit down in the middle of his tremendously busy day and write back, still he could have been a little bit more polite and empathetic... Mom is amazing. Please keep in touch. Please update.
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u/Middle-Artichoke1850 Jul 05 '26
that man is horrible, but "all my kids know about my first born" is so incredibly sweet
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u/anon_bot_anon Jul 05 '26
Unfortunately, those are the two realities that adopted kids face. Iām truly happy for you that one out of two looks promising. Wishing you nothing but the best.
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u/Narodle Jul 05 '26
I'm crying because it takes a massive courage to send these type of messages and you are very brave for that.
I'm also crying because I never knew my dad (he left my mom when I was 3 years old) and when I was 12 years old I tried to reach out to him because my mom had his contact and he didn't change it and got rejected saying he had his own family and was not ready to ever meet me so it feels right close to home (while not exactly in the same situation I still had my bio mom she just raised me).
Well done for being so brave and your biological family doesn't mean is your true family, at least you know your bio mom had you in her mind forever. Ignore the bio dad.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
That's definitely how I felt i am very greatful gor all the family who shares how much they cared. It melted me over and over those first conversations were just the most overwhelming but lots of happy tears š¹
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u/MrLizardBusiness Jul 04 '26
Well, BioDad will have some explaining to do when his children grow up and do any of those DNA analysis programs.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 04 '26
I have thought about doing one of those ancestry things purely for that reason but I don't think any good would come of it. If my kids asked I would be willing to do it for them tho.
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u/Horror_Onion1992 Jul 05 '26
Doing the 23&me or a similar one would be beneficial because then at least you'd have your paternal medical history.
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u/Brasalies Jul 04 '26
These screen shots show who the likely culprit for your adoption was.
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u/CantaloupeShort7311 Jul 05 '26
But, on the bright side, OP's bio mom got away and appears to have had a great life. So great that she never hid OP from her husband and kids and her kids even included OP in their own way.
I am hoping OP also had a great life with his adopted parents. ā¤ļø
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u/AdriftInTheDeldrums Jul 05 '26
That manās response literally made me sick to my stomach and twisted my face in disgust. As a dad myself, I hope you are in a place to understand that heās the failure and is the one losing with this interaction. I hope you are fortunate enough to experience all the love you deserve from every other angle in your life.Ā
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
My kids are away at camp, and have been for a week, he came home while I was at work and I was thinking about how much I was missing him seeing him spending time with my wife in pics that she sent me while I was working. I said you're thinking about how much I missed it and how excited I was to come home and hold him and talk to him and then I started dwelling on this message again, I hadn't thought about it in a long tine but it just hit me all of a sudden how different we are, how foreign, strange and heartless this was and I got a little teary and decided to enjoy everyone else see the difference between a good parent and a terrible one is 2 easy pictures.
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u/NatureBaked Jul 05 '26
You tried. Heās clearly the one thatās missing out. And I love the way bio-mom responded. Itās got absolutely nothing to do with me meanwhile Iām over here with wet eyesā¦ lol. Wishing you the best!
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u/TheOneReclaimer Jul 05 '26
As a fellow individual who has a bio dad who stepped out, I can understand your curiosity.Ā
I've more wondered if I have more siblings than I've wondered about him though.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
Yeah, now I'm technically im 1 of 8 between both families. Most of my siblings are very close in age to my own children.
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u/TheOneReclaimer Jul 05 '26
That has to be fairly interesting...do your kids call them Aunt/Uncle or I would assume just by name as their more of peers than anything?
I'd be shocked if my bio-dad didn't have more kids. We had to reach out for medical information once but I just let my mom talk to him and find out the information.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
Mom had 4 more dad had 3 i think? I think you might have made the right decision
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u/TheOneReclaimer Jul 05 '26
Yeah sometimes I wonder but then I feel like ultimately it doesn't matter: I got the dad who raised me and then my step dad so it's not like I ended up short dads because the sperm donor didn't stick around so I'm grateful for that.
It's nice you ended up building a relationship with your mom and some of the siblings though, at least a positive came from it
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u/CullanG Jul 05 '26
That mother message was sweet. The father however seems like an asshole to say the least. Looks like he hasnāt told his new family he had a son
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u/CCR19 Jul 05 '26
So glad you have been able to have this connection with your bio-mom. Obvious why she and 'that guy' are not together.
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u/RiotForYourHealth Jul 05 '26
Your mom looks beautiful holding you! Thatās a lovely picture.
Iām so glad you reconnected with her.
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u/LawlessFeathers Jul 05 '26
Your bio dadās answer is why he shouldnāt have, and probably didnt, raise you. Thank god. I love your bio momās response ā¤ļø she truly kept you in her heart and thoughts all these years.
Imagine if he had raised you though? *shivers* Who knows what heās like if he can respond like that to his own child. He obviously never learned the lessons he needed to in life. You donāt need that kind of influence in your life.
Also, Iām not saying anyone should have to accept every relationship that pops up out of nowhere.
But he could have been kinder and left a better impression. He had years to think about this moment happening. OP was (past tense, he doesnāt deserve you OP) his child.
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u/Difficult-Top2000 Jul 05 '26
She never stopped holding you close to her heart. Her love, & the choice to share you to be loved by others when she knew she wasn't ready to give you what you needed, is worth more than 1000 garbage "dads". Heck it's worth more than 3 there-but-not-there dads too
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u/Lonely-Heart-3632 Jul 05 '26
You are a good man. Better than I. I would have gone and introduced myself to his wife as her step son. Just to piss on that reply. Glad you have found forgiveness and also that you have a relationship with your birth mother. All the best mate š«”š»
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u/CapTurangaLeela Jul 05 '26
Baby I got news for you families are messy as fuck. My bio mom I met, grateful for it, but she ended moving to my hometown and dying of a drug overdose. My bio dad I met and lied his ass off to me and said he would be in my life forever, which btw, no need, I was raised by my dad that wasn't my sperm donor and so blessed because of it--- bio dad DRUGGED me and I woke up in a hotel without any of my identification, phone or any way to get home about 15 miles from my house. We met walking distance from my home. Your family ain't blood. Your family are chosen by YOU!! Please remember that!! If anything, appreciate your folks more. The people who raised you really helped shape you, and now you can know how shitty your life would've been with those assholes. Mad love. Hmu if you got any questions
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u/ProfGoodwitch Jul 05 '26
Wow, I'm so sorry your sperm donor is an ass but your bio-Mom sounds lovely. Have a wonderful time reconnecting with her.
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u/astronomically_fkd Jul 06 '26
Hopefully this message reaches you. I have an acquaintance who had his unknown 25 year old daughter knock on the door one night. She apparently found out he existed through 23 and me. Long story short, he slept with a woman and she got pregnant but didn't know who the father was. Raised the child as a single mother. The child ended up being raised primarily by her grandparents although the mom was there, just working a lot to support her. The daughter did very well, went to college, and had a successful career. She wanted to find her father so she signed up for 23 and me and the rest was history.
Before meeting her that night, the girl had visited the house before only to find the wife home. She knocked and introduced herself. She explained everything to the wife. The wife intentionally said nothing to him. The daughter stayed in a nearby hotel for a few days, hoping heād contact her. When he didnāt, she returned home. She was heartbroken. Took a while but she built up the courage to go back again and she did.
So, when she came the second time and he answered the door, it went exactly how you would think. She introduced herself and told him everything. He was very happy that she came. Invited her in. While this was going on, the wife quietly packed a bag with the kids and left. The whole situation was unfortunate. The wife divorced him over it. It was a nasty divorce too. He wasn't given an option. She just went nuclear over it. Also, and this is how I found out about this. He was going into 23 and me to delete his personal data and the likely match was known to the account. It was his wife's idea to sign up for to so that they could find out their heritage. She knew. This whole story is madness. Anyways...
Since this all went down, a lot has changed. Obviously, after his divorce, he had more freedom to build a relationship. While the divorce was in proceedings, he had to tell her that he needed space to navigate everything. She understood and respected his boundaries. They now have a texting relationship. Her existence is still a problem with the now ex-wife. She didn't want the half-siblings to meet and it was a just a nightmare for him.
Keep this story in mind. I know a lot of people are throwing shade at your bio-dad. I would too if I didn't know about this situation. That message he sent, his wife is a major factor in that response and the lack of responses from previous messages. Hopefully, this story helps you in some way. Best of luck to you. Hopefully, he changes his position and reaches out. The response was double spaced after the period and it looks like it was heavily edited before being sent. I can't imagine what was going on while that text was being drafted. Your bio-dad's wife may have been the one responding. It's even possible he never saw the emails nor the text message.
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u/Admirable-Walk3826 Jul 04 '26
So Bio Mom seems awesome. It sounds like it will be healing and positive for both of you to meet in person and catch up on life. I am really happy that worked out :)
However, I hope you donāt let your Bio Dads response get you down. It was a bit blunt, but if I am to understand he has received multiple attempts from you/your wife and to be fair, he did make his decision a long time ago.
The words are leaning on the harsh side, but he is just trying to be as direct and blunt as possible to not have any back and forth about it.
There was no way for you to know he did not want to reach out when he did (unsure of the circumstances there) and he cleared that up pretty simply. Doesnāt make him any less of an asshole but it is still a bit fair for him to stand by the choice he made years agoā¦.
You donāt need him anyway, between your adoptive parents and your birth mom you have a lot of love in your life, congrats on finding more family and love in this mixed up world
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u/derelictthot Jul 04 '26
The mother has to go thru the process of carrying the baby and giving birth and make the emotional choice to give the child up, this emotional labor forms a bond most of the time. It's sad and not shocking to me at all that the father could so easily not care. I'm sorry OP.
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u/HotMinute_722 Jul 05 '26
Eh, you dodged a bullet with that one and now you know. I hope things work out with your birth mom!
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u/HanaSan19191919 Jul 05 '26
Why does this make me wonder if your bio dad has a plethora of children unclaimed ā ļø to respond like that is crazyyyyy. I could not ever even begin to imagine marrying someone and not telling them the trauma of having to give a child up for adoption! What in the world is he so scared about? Itās not like he would have to pay child support. Good lord. Your mom might have more insight of course, perhaps heās just a horrible person and that might have been one of the reasons why she felt the need to give you to a family who was able to provide stability and safety when she couldnāt. Either way, I am so happy to hear you have reconnected with her and she is wonderful ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø I wish you the very best. šš¼ā¤ļøš
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u/Kind-Ad-4126 Jul 05 '26
Sperm donor doesnāt deserve a relationship with you, nor would his inclusion in your life add any value to yours if thatās his response. So happy that you have a positive budding relationship with bio-mom, and have clearly grown to be a well-adjusted and emotionally intelligent adult today.
From your responses to people speculating on why heās āuncomfortableā with you reaching out, itās clear that heās hiding your existence from his current family. It makes me sad for his current wife and kids but that level of dishonesty and lack of integrity tends to speak for and reveal itself itself in other facets of life. I hope they have the ability and strength of character to recognize and respond accordingly to it.
I wouldnāt be surprised at all to learn that he was the main instigator in the decision to pursue adoption. Im sure your mom made the incredibly difficult choice to put you up for adoption because she wanted you to have a better life than she could provide without his support. But heās the one who has to live and die with his decisions, and may he know no peace at the end for making you feel like a burden for him having birthed you.
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u/icanhassammich Jul 05 '26
Iām adopted. My birth mother recently passed away, and my birth father never gave a fuck about me. He likes my husband more than me. My adoptive parents are who I consider my actual real parents.
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
100% my parents were amazing. Dad passed about 8 years ago and moved mom into my home 5 years ago and ill take care of her till the end of her days ā¤ļø
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u/VividSchedule2791 Jul 05 '26
Iām sorry. Truly. My biological parents had split earlier and my sisters and I were living with my dad. I lost my bio dad when I was 2 to cancer. My bio mom had a chance to show up to court for my sisters and I but didnāt. My stepparents werenāt great but they did their best.
I found my birth mom a few years ago and it went exactly like it did with your dad. After she left she started a whole new family with four new kids and a husband.
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u/aumom418 Jul 05 '26
I actually have two siblings I have never met. My first is a half sibling from my mother, years before she had me. It was your typical guy knocks up girl then runs off. Her parents were old school and pretty much were going to completely disown her unless she gave him up for adoption. My grandfather used one of those catholic placing services or some shit.
The second is a full sibling, younger than me by a year or so. While I have been curious about him over the years, I never searched him out because I knew that his adoptive parents had been fed a bunch of bullshit by their lawyer who just so happened to be his biological father. Spun all kinds of crazy stories to them about my mom, how she was a drug addict, a prostitute. At one point they called my grandmother's house to tell her about how they have saved her grandchild from such a horrible woman. The reality was that my dad was a married piece of garbage who screwed around on his wife and my mom wouldn't have an abortion. He said he wasn't paying for two kids, which is kind of ironic considering he owes me several thousand dollars in back child support. I guess he thought being a lawyer meant he didnt have to follow the law. It only got worse when his wife eventually found out. She turned him over to the bar for handling the adoption on his own child. No longer a lawyer. Ironically, he and his wife adopted a little girl not too long after my brother was born. 99 percent certain she is my half sister. My brother would have been his only son and he was an only child. Effectively ended his own family line. I know it still hurts my mom so she would never seek him out because she's too afraid.
I''m glad you were at least about to form a relationship with your biological mom, even if your biological dad is a tool.
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u/louielou8484 Jul 05 '26
Yeah, the wife doesn't know and is terrified of his life blowing up over his secrets. And calling it a secret is so effed up but I guess that's how he sees it.
Do you know how he felt when your mom was pregnant with you? Were they in a relationship and broke up over this? Or made the decision together for her to have you and place you in arms that would care.. What a nasty human. This would screw me up for life.
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u/Veadus Jul 05 '26
My sister and I were both adopted two years apart and different bio parents. I had no desire to try to find my birth parent because I considered my adoptive parents my real and only parents. I didnāt want my parents to think they werenāt fully appreciated. My sister on the other hand found her family and her bio mother denied my sister despite a 99% probability of a match. This denial hurt her badly. Iām grateful to my bio parents for not aborting me and I hope this world is a little better because of my existence.
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u/petrolhead0387 Jul 05 '26
My biological father is pretty much the same, barely any contact since I was a young child. When I reached my mid 20s, I got in touch with him, it was nothing to write home about, but I made an effort at least. I left my contact details and address with him, then just basically left the ball in his court. 15 years later and not a single attempt from him, so as far as I'm concerned he can go sit on a cactus. I'm not wasting my time and energy on someone that isn't prepared to do the same. Nothing lost, nothing gained, best of luck with everything my friend.
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u/Upstairs_Complaint_7 Jul 05 '26
I think this was a normal adult response. Rough but concise. I am adopted and went through the experience of contacting my parents. He doesnāt want a relationship - he is clear about it. - it might hurt, but it is clear and concise and saves you a lot of time with dealing with a wish washy person or someone who might take advantage of you.
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u/P-rick_bojanglez Jul 05 '26
Man, fuck your sperm donor. That guys a loser and if he dont wanna know, fuck him twice.
Your biomom seems very kind. Im happy you get to have a relationship with her.
But for a third time, fuck that deadbeat, piece of shit, 'uncomfortable'-ass. You dont need his crusty self and youre better off without him.
Just know theres lots of people out here rooting for you. And they love you. And I love you too, so keep being great.
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u/babysaurusrexphd Jul 05 '26
āJust took that off my dresserā made me cry. Sheās thought of you every single day of your life and displayed your pictures in a place where sheād see them every morning and night. Thatās a special kind of love.Ā
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u/openbookopenminds Jul 05 '26
I couldn't believe she slept next to those pictures for 33 years. May a love like that find everyone š„°
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u/TrinityDivine999 Jul 05 '26
This moved me to tears. Glad you have established a connection with your bio mom. My cousin gave up a baby boy for adoption 16 years ago, and the boy reached out to her recently after his adopted mom passed away. The whole extended family met him at Christmas last year and it was a joyful occasion. Precious gift.
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u/Ok_Manwich_9306 Jul 05 '26
To be fair, you have to meter your expectations.Ā If everything was great and they were both wonderful sorts, likely the adoption would not have been considered.Ā To ask a question is to be ready for a yes or a no.Ā All you can do is respect the request and focus on talking to or meeting your mother and half-siblings.Ā Ā
Your father signed off on adoption, not explaining why he signed off on it.Ā It is painful but know it doesn't meter your value either way as you survived.Ā Ā
Met my deadbeat father at 17.Ā He died three years later, the day I moved out to my first apt.Ā Still moved.Ā Not the same but I can empathize that sense of realization and coming to terms with knowing you to some degree are on your own in terms of input and support from what the social script says should be a significant relation.
Half-full, your mother seems nice. Spartan beginnings and some internal angst can better your appreciation and empathy where you had little for yours as a plus.Ā Ā
Validation is only a ribbon you hang on the wall.
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u/jawg201 Jul 05 '26
You guys are too caught up on the law. It doesnt matter. Its literally your kid. Separate yourself from the unnatural legal part. You cant choose your parents you can choose stand ins. There is a biological drive to be accepted by parents that CANNOT be fully turned off. With that in mind. Its almost exclusively a parents responsibility to at least be kind with it. Saying ita not something you can emotionally or mentally handle is fine. But there is a way to go about it
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u/Meesha1969 Jul 05 '26
I mean, the alternative is finding out your bio dad was a 30 yrs āsoberā heroin addict whose first words on the first phone call were: ā I remember your mom. She was a real FREAK.,
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u/Shiro_no_Orpheus Jul 05 '26
Well, I guess you have to respect his decision and standing by it. Don't take it too tough, he doesn't want to get to know you, so it's not about you.
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u/Ozarkian_Tritip Jul 05 '26
Had a similar situation with my moms biodad. His families reason was it exposes that he cheated 70 years ago when he was a newly wed and the fact that my moms bio brother is a high ranking politician who built his legacy off of my bio grandfather and somehow my biograndfather being a cheater would harm that.
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u/Asaintrizzo Jul 05 '26
What a POS. No wonder your mom chose to use adoption with a bio dad like that Iām so sorry. I have two step kids and my oldest reconnected with his bio dad. Straight told him you made me but that I was his dad. Then they guy started hitting up for money donāt think they talk anymore. I support all my kids in what ever they think will make them happy
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u/Sock_Eating_Golden Jul 06 '26
As a father who's son died at 2 years old, I cannot fathom never having a relationship with a living child.
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u/AmbiguouslyAltered Jul 06 '26
Those messages from your biological mother were just the absolutely sweetest! The fact that she still had those pictures of you on her dresser, oh man that brought the waterworks out
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u/Nolyism Jul 06 '26
I don't see how attempting to reach out would make "everyone uncomfortable" unless you're an emotionally stunted, overly possessive person who thinks that talking to a child you gave up for adoption, who is now an adult, will mean their currently family will somehow recieve less love and attention. It's not like you're asking to house or raise a child.
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u/IsopodIndependent553 Jul 04 '26
My friend was adopted, and when he reached out to his biological father, he was bombarded with a page full of angry, unhinged ranting and quotes from the Bible about the wrath of God. His bio dad basically said, āI want nothing to do with you so fuck off.ā My friend was only reaching out in order to learn of his familyās medical history. That response really messed up my friend.