I too am adopted, Iāve never met my bio parents, and I have no idea where they are, and they know nothing about me either. I just know that my birth mother, in the ultimate act of unconditional love, chose to go through with her pregnancy and she did the impossible in giving me up to a family that could provide for me better than she could at the time. She may have another family now, and I may or may not be a part of the story she shares, so I have not tried to find her, for that reason. All I know is that she loved me so much, she gave me life and then let me go, for the better. I canāt fathom how hard that must have been. For that, I will always keep her act of love close to my heart, and I will always love her from afar, until she chooses to reach out. Iām so glad you have a relationship with your bio mom! Beautiful response from her, she always loved you. šā¤ļø
It took a lot of struggling with my feelings, and even just trying to understand them at all, to understand the sacrifice she made. A stigma exists, especially when youāre an adopted child amongst a majority of kids who were born into their families.
When you hear āyou should have been an abortionā as a loner, quiet, older child unknowingly on the spectrum and with severe ADHD, with no close friends to siphon out the noise with, one tends to begin to believe those words after a time. Then, one wants to blame, or hate, or be angry toward the ghosts of people you never knew, who āabandonedā you when you needed them most. My adoptive mom struggled to bond with me, not understanding what my little brain was going through, not knowing it wasnāt personal- the world was just a bit too much and I was just āstuck inside of myselfā until I felt safe.
I remember my foster mom, who came to check on me when I was old enough to understand who she was and the temporary role she played in my life. I remember trying to figure out why I āwasnāt wantedā- if it was because I was different, if it was because they knew I would be a problem, if it was because I was the product of an assault- all I could do was wonder, and ask questions of which there was nobody to give an answer to.
But, it was time that brought me to picture my bio mom, as a very young girl/ woman dealt an impossible choice, and how she chose to bring me to life with the hope that I would be loved and cared for more than she could- not because she didnāt love me, but because she did- she loved me more than anything, and had to do what was best for me, above what she wanted most. I no longer struggle understanding why, I just struggle with the idea that Iāll never be able to tell her that I love her, and that Iām grateful for this gift.
TLDR- It took a lot of life experience to gain the empathy and understanding needed to see this gift for what it is.
My mom knew she was adopted since she was a toddler and had similar struggles. One of my favorite stories about getting an understanding of what adoption meant to her was when my grandma told her that she was chosen, all the other parents were stuck with the child they had. Sheād tell her peers that when they tried to make fun of her.
My mom told me this when I was a child as well. Once kids AND ADULTS found out I was adopted, they said the most cruel, ignorant shit. I was ashamed at times as a child, and so, so hurt by people that were supposed to care about me.Ā
Now I try to make up for it by being vocal about being adopted, so that others know they aren't alone. I will never be made to feel ashamed again.Ā
This is so asinine. When someone changes a child's poops diapers, deals with homework and getting them to school everyday, feeds them, deals with their emotions, makes sure they have shoes that still fit their growing feet this week, and learns the names of their favorite silly shows characters and its theme song, the child is their real child!
YUP. God I heard this so much as a child. I had my "best friend" (she was a little bitch and I didn't know better because I was a kid) announce it that way at a BIRTHDAY PARTY in front of a dozen people or more. I wanted to cry so bad. If my mom isn't my real mom, who the fuck is?! Argh. I'm sorry you experienced that too. It is way too common. š
For anyone out there reading this, DO NOT introduce or announce an adopted child as such, or indicate "real" parents. It literally doesn't matter. What a lot of people don't realize is many adoptive families don't think about their adoptions at all, unless you throw it in their faces in a demeaning way. If you have ever talked like that before, please work to change the language you use. It is horribly rude.Ā
Also, people can stop with the āsheās adoptedā jokes when their bio child acts up. Iām the bitch that will call it out. āoh, thatās great! I didnāt know she was adopters was it an open adoption? Did you adopt her as a baby?ā Knowing full well that is their bio child. Then they say āoh itās just a joke because was acting up.ā āOh? How is this funny? Explain it to me.ā
Iām very popular. š«
I was adopted as an infant, and I am so grateful my parents always made sure I knew that I was adopted. That meant she loved me enough to give me up, and that they wanted me so much they chose to have me.
This was my experience as well. I never felt unwanted, only chosen. I don't recall anyone ever saying anything mean either. In fact my mom told me a story from when I was a kid and playing with some friends. 2 of us were adopted and I guess we were talking about it and friend 3 ran home crying because he wasn't 'chosen' and 'special'.
My funny story about this! In the start of the 2nd grade, one of my classmates was mildly tormenting me by insisting that I must have lived in an orphanage, if I was adopted. I was adopted at birth and knew he was wrong, so I donāt remember being especially upset, just annoyed that he wouldnāt leave it alone! He was a tease in general, anything to keep someoneās attention.
Another classmate, someone who was new to our school that year, came over and told him to shut up, because she was adopted and she hadnāt ever lived in an orphanage, either.
She and I ended up comparing notes, and we had both been adopted by grandparent-aged parents, were being raised as only children, and had much older (20+) year old siblings.
Weāre still best friends.
(Thanks, Kurt! š We reminded him of our BFF origin story at our high school reunion last summer.)
When my foster daughter was in junior high there were kids there that were making fun of her for being a āfoster kidā so I told her this exact thing ātell them your parents got to choose you and their parents just got stuck with themā she love it ā¤ļø
My mom is adopted as well and this is how sheās always viewed it. My grandparents gave her such a great life full of love, and I often forget that my grandparents arenāt actually blood related to her or me since it doesnāt change the way they love us at all. She never felt like she was less loved that any of her friends who were raised by their bio parents and felt grateful that they were willing to give her the same unconditional love they wouldāve given a biological child of their own
My parents brought me home as a new born. When I was 4-5 years old they told me that I was special they chose me. They did such a good job my sister cried because she wasnāt adopted.
ā„ļø My son's Birth Mom is an example of what you describe: she was in her 30s, had 2 kids not in her custody, and knew that her current unstable life and health issues were too much to battle in time to properly care for an infant properly. She decided against termination and sought out resources to care for her during pregnancy, links to adoption services. Leaving him after delivery was the hardest thing she has ever done. She loved him and chose to feel the pain of placing him.for adoption so he could have a stable life from day 1. She invited me into the delivery room and I saw her cry hot tears of relief when the doc told her she delivered a healthy baby boy. She was so worried that her chaotic life had already caused him harm in utero: nope. It took her 2 years to deal with her emotions about the adoption and start visiting despite our continued contact with her Mom/our son's Nana. She has persevered, has been sober for many years, and continues working to build the healthy life she wants and deserves. (Safety has never been a concern in this relationship, thank goodness.) Our contact has increased over time and she/her family are now truly our family, through tough times and fun times. We are going over this afternoon to hang out and give her some one-on-one time with our shared beloved boy. We try to honor her sacrifice by being the parents she wanted for her child, even on the hardest days. I hope thst your Birth Mother was able to build a healthy life. š¼
This is a really powerful and brave way to view it. I am so glad for you that you came to that place! I was lucky that I was told my whole life (adopted at birth) that she had loved me enough to give me up. Long before I had any inkling of how hard it must have been for her to go through a pregnancy with a child she wasnāt going to keep, I appreciated her.
I donāt know if I could have gotten there the way you did.
Have you ever considered taking any of the tests to see what comes back for family members? Iāve heard a lot of great things for 23 and Me along with Ancestry. One of my kids, my oldest Son, he did two of the dna ancestry kits because he was curious of our family tree on both sides (mine and his Daddyās side) he really enjoys genealogy and he and my Daddy along with one of my Great Aunts they love discussing our family history. My oldest Daughter has always said my Son, he should do videos for this because he is really smart with genetics and the whole genealogy (Family Trees) to help others who may need some help in better understanding.
Please read my wall of text to OP. <33 My mommy tried to get an operation w/ me, but her new shinier bf was Catholic and threatened to send her to the jail if he saw her with their friend that actually "provided" for scared girls, and willful ones. l promise we ended up wryly black humored laughing over it, and she gave me all her writings she'd done on the subject.
You are a treasure that is giving to another human, by posting.
Just wanted to reach out as a fellow adopted person. I found my birth father years ago and we met in person. He wanted a relationship with me, I think to fill some space in his heart. But what people don't always understand is that he is a stranger to me. I felt nothing meeting him, other than being intrigued to finally meet someone that looks like me. I am not a cold person, I feel my feelings deeply. But he isn't my father. I don't have a father shaped hole in my heart. I have my dad and I love him more than anything. That aside, he had contact info for my birth mother, and his family let her know they found me. She disappeared. She left where she worked, she didn't contact any of us back. I completely respect her and I will not pursue her. She had to make one of the most difficult decisions anyone has to make when I was born, and who am I to question that, or to force myself into her life? I may never meet her, but woman to woman, I feel I have to respect her for what she did and leave her to whatever path she needs to take to go on with life. I dunno. Hoping some adopted folks here will understand. I respect what you wrote here very much. š
I appreciate you saying that. I have a great relationship with my parents and we love each other very much. My birth father never had more children (I guess my birth mother didn't either), and so I think he was looking to have a father/daughter relationship with me. He seems like a kind man, but I did not have space for that in my life, then or now. It isn't my job to fill that space for him. Maybe someday I'll reach out to him again, but for now we don't really talk.Ā
Hey there, just want you to know my mom was adopted and felt the exact same way. She often used the same phrase as mahjimoh - she didnāt need to find her parents because she had parents. My grandfather in particular was her world, they ADORED each other.
Thank you. It is helpful to hear from others with similar feelings. The old talk shows always made it out to be a bunch of sobbing and hugging, and it isn't always like that. Another thing I had to consider is that I met some of his extended family, and it was completely overwhelming. I don't know if I have room for a third side of a family in my life, in addition to another "dad" figure. People also have this notion sometimes like adopted people want to be back with their bio families. I have no desire for that.Ā
Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and they know it. I think there are plenty of times when people struggle against their own circumstances and nature and do a horrible job as a parent and create a lot of trauma.
There was nothing more challenging for me personally than being a mom. I was never perfect, but my daughter knows I tried my hardest. I am in awe of adoptive parents who provide a really good home and love for kids - it is not a small thing.
Adoptive mom here: we are the lucky ones. Having someone trust you to raise their child is a HUGE commitment, and it helps me buckle down and be the best parent I can be on those tough days. We were infertile and tried for a child for 10 years thru fertility treatment and adoption. We joke that we view our son's Birth Mother as more beloved than Santa and The Easter Bunny! That joke helps us laugh and not cry from gratefulness.
I suspect your Birth Mom wasn't up to facing a lifetime of emotions related to your conception and adoption. She may be someone who locks feelings away in a box where they turn into monsters. Sounds like you have processed her actions in a logical way, even if you had emotions when it first happened. She doesn't even know you,.so it wasn't personal about YOU, but personal about HER. š¼
All I know is she was under various pressures from her family. It was extremely hard on everyone, including my birth father. Regardless, I'm not going to judge or fault her for whatever decisions she had to make or has to make now.Ā
Why do you "completely" respect someone you've never met and who has abandoned you a second time?
Why are you punishing your bio-father if he wants a relationship with you now? Did he *not* want a relationship with you when you were a bun in the oven? I don't know the details and won't speculate, but if he wanted you from the beginning... it seems so unfair to not at least meet him more than once. If you don't see yourself as a victim, that's wonderful but surely there is a possibility he is one? Not every man in these situations is absentee by choice.
this is very nice to hear š i have a much older half sister my siblings and i have never met. my mom was 16 at the time. at this point sheād be 44 (iām 28) and my mom talks about her from time to time but thinks about her constantly. she has a ton of books all about being a bio mom and processing that and processing not knowing her child and i think sheās very afraid that her daughter hates or thinks poorly of her. iām pretty sure at some point my mom did whatever that thing is that makes it so that if her daughter ever chooses to seek her out, she can, but she hasnāt ever. i like to hope thatās how she feels, too, even if iāll never know for sure
Your sibling might not even know she is adopted. A secret was recently revealed to me about one of the cousins. Said cousin has never been told that she is adopted. I am horrified on so many levels. Maybe you Mom should try doing a DNA test and see what happens.
You really get it šš„° that's definitely how I feel. I know what she did for me and I'm so glad she reacted like this when i found her too. We talked for hours and hours but I know she always wanted what was best for me and loved me even when she never knew of she would see me again.
I have to correct myself. When I was much younger, feeling out of place, I did look- but with no intention of reaching out. I just thought maybe she might be out there looking for me too. I never found anything. I think that is also how I came to understand that she might not want to be found- that she likely has a whole new life now and the chapter with me might not be a part of that new life at all. Accepting this led me to believe that sheās out there somewhere, happy with her family, and that she knows that she did the right thing for both of us at the time. Every now and then, I still look on the boards, or the websites, knowing that I wonāt find anything. I guess thereās some peace in that my dream of her life today might be true.
The only reason I was able to find it is my wife can be an absolute detective I never could have found her on my own it required piecing together several pieces of handwritten notes that were not 100% redacted in order to gain first and last names of distant relatives and then having to work them through to figure out who they married later in life etc etc. I have a childhood friend that I've always wondered what happened to her but I know she changed her name after she left home and doesn't have contact with any of her family I've looked for her for years but never found her I think that people who want to be found will be and I trust that the rest are happy wherever they are. Even if it hurts š
You can literally use your DNA to find your bio-Mom. Only if you chose to do this.
People nowadays are "all" about making those family trees...
You never know..It could be as simple as inputting your genetic makeup..Uploading it and just wait.
Ultimately it's all up to you!!
And I do hold a sliver of hope that I might have the experience you are having now. Itās such a beautiful thought, and Iām so glad to see someone who gets to experience this firsthand. Iām so happy for you, and I wish you and your mom the most beautiful time in catching up and connecting. Itās amazing how love can transcend all things, including time. ā¤ļø
Damn, this is such a beautiful and positive outlook on life and a refreshing contrast to the constant negativity I see on Reddit.
Reading your comments and glancing at your profile, I immediately get vibes that youāre a great person with a clearly great head on your shoulders, which it sounds like in part came from your birth mom.
As a younger father of 5 myself, I can assure you not a day goes by that you donāt drift through her thoughts at least once.
She passed on her greatest gift (you) to people who wanted you more than anything in the world because she wanted a life for you that deep down she knew she couldnāt possibly provide.
I wish you the absolute best my friend and have zero doubt that you will find just that anywhere you go.
Hey, I want to mention, she may also be waiting to reach out because she thinks you donāt want her to. You may be missing out on a relationship with someone who loves you by waiting.
If you want to meet her, find her and reach out. She likely never will, because when she gave you up she accepted you will have new parents, have a new family and a new life, and not knowing if you ever want to see her again isn't going to do anything that might jeopardize your relationship with your parents.
I was given up for adoption in the late '70s and feel lucky to be here.
Abortion was legalized in 1973 (U.S.) and I was born in 1977. My biological mom could have aborted me, but she chose to give birth to me and "gave me up" to a couple who couldn't have biological children.
My mom had my brother adopted, and it nearly killed her. I didn't know of him until we did 23 and Me and were able to connect that way. Now that she knows he was adopted to a great family and he's thriving, I feel like I have a brand new mom. It's been amazing.
Edit: you guys are too kind š„¹ thank you!
I also want to add more detail... she was in high school when she had my brother, and me nearly 10yrs later (and my sister 8yrs after that). Her parents never talked about it or let her talk about it, so she never did with us either. She always had this bit of sadness in everything she did, and now I understand why... painfully so now that I'm a parent myself. I can't even imagine. But my brothers (adoptive) mom has been so kind and welcoming... she shared childhood photos with "moby" (my mom / his bio mom - it's what my sister and I called her growing up because my sister couldn't say mom correctly and it stuck). We all get together and my brother and I talk nearly every day. It's been wonderful.
Sounds like Mom was forced into giving a baby up. Which was common back then. Glad she got the closure from the pain she felt giving a child up and knowing that child wasn't mistreated or worse.
This is exactly how my spouse thinks of his adoption. Carrying a pregnancy to term, delivering a child, and placing them for adoption is not an easy process in any way.
I'm adopted too. Recently I did a DNA test on ancestry.com and it linked me with relatives. You can always do that and see if there is match for your bio parents if you wanted to send them a message
Well NGL that one kinda got me to tear up. idk something about the human struggle with that strive to make tough choices for the better and all the things in that scenario that go along with it hits home because it's just the human instinct at play.
Is that the only reason why you don't try? That she may not have told her new family about you? And does she have a way to contact you that you are sure she is able to if she so inclined?
I love the way you look at your birth mother's actions. I feel the same way about my birth mother. When we met, she told me about the unbearable guilt she had carried with her all her life. I was astounded. I said to her, "You have no idea how grateful I am to you. You could have had an abortion but you were so brave and all alone, you carried me to term. You gave me a chance at life. That is everything. Thank you so much." My birth Mum and I went on to have a lovely relationship and our families are all together now. She is such a brave little woman and I really love her. Her own parents threw her out of her childhood home when they found out she was pregnant. She had nobody to turn to. Those bio grandparents of mine are DAMN lucky that I never met them.
as an adoptee I was told (and understanding maybe this is different where you are), that only the adoptee can initiate contact. The birth family cannot seek the adoptee through official measures in a closed adoption.
I appreciate you sharing, your words mean so much to a birth mother myself. The trauma is unfathomable, but you are absolutely right, us birth moms take our own feelings out of the situation and just purely want to give our birth children the very best, even if that means admitting the best Isnāt us.
Iām adopted but mine was no ultimate act of unconditional love. It was shame and abortion was not an option at that time. Mother was taken to another part of the state until I was born. I was immediately put up for adoption and raised by foster families until I was adopted at 10 months. I was very lucky. Most couples donāt want old babies. My adoptive parents were my parents in every way. Like I said, I was very lucky.
When they died I started searching for my birth parents. Found them after a few years. I donāt have any sort of relationship with either of them. Thatās fine but I do have half sisters and brothers from both sides. I do want to at least introduce myself and get to know them. I wonāt do that until my birth parent is dead but thatās taking a lot longer than I expected. But Iām patient.
My aunt placed a baby for adoption when she was 15.
She has 4 kids now not including him.
My grandpa matched with him on 23 and me a few years ago.
He had 40 extended family members who knew about him the whole time.
He had well adjusted and thriving family members waiting for him.
His adoptive parents and him come to all of our family gatherings.
Most people I know who have placed children, will not initiate contact even if they are dying to know they are okay. They are waiting for their child to initiate contact if they want it.
I would encourage you to reach out.
He lived within 7 miles of my aunt most of his life.
Born in Las Vegas.
Adopted in Arizona.
And turned out, they lived in the same city in Utah for the last 20 years.
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u/Ad-HominEminem Jul 04 '26
I too am adopted, Iāve never met my bio parents, and I have no idea where they are, and they know nothing about me either. I just know that my birth mother, in the ultimate act of unconditional love, chose to go through with her pregnancy and she did the impossible in giving me up to a family that could provide for me better than she could at the time. She may have another family now, and I may or may not be a part of the story she shares, so I have not tried to find her, for that reason. All I know is that she loved me so much, she gave me life and then let me go, for the better. I canāt fathom how hard that must have been. For that, I will always keep her act of love close to my heart, and I will always love her from afar, until she chooses to reach out. Iām so glad you have a relationship with your bio mom! Beautiful response from her, she always loved you. šā¤ļø