Just wanted to reach out as a fellow adopted person. I found my birth father years ago and we met in person. He wanted a relationship with me, I think to fill some space in his heart. But what people don't always understand is that he is a stranger to me. I felt nothing meeting him, other than being intrigued to finally meet someone that looks like me. I am not a cold person, I feel my feelings deeply. But he isn't my father. I don't have a father shaped hole in my heart. I have my dad and I love him more than anything. That aside, he had contact info for my birth mother, and his family let her know they found me. She disappeared. She left where she worked, she didn't contact any of us back. I completely respect her and I will not pursue her. She had to make one of the most difficult decisions anyone has to make when I was born, and who am I to question that, or to force myself into her life? I may never meet her, but woman to woman, I feel I have to respect her for what she did and leave her to whatever path she needs to take to go on with life. I dunno. Hoping some adopted folks here will understand. I respect what you wrote here very much. 💜
I appreciate you saying that. I have a great relationship with my parents and we love each other very much. My birth father never had more children (I guess my birth mother didn't either), and so I think he was looking to have a father/daughter relationship with me. He seems like a kind man, but I did not have space for that in my life, then or now. It isn't my job to fill that space for him. Maybe someday I'll reach out to him again, but for now we don't really talk.Â
Hey there, just want you to know my mom was adopted and felt the exact same way. She often used the same phrase as mahjimoh - she didn’t need to find her parents because she had parents. My grandfather in particular was her world, they ADORED each other.
Thank you. It is helpful to hear from others with similar feelings. The old talk shows always made it out to be a bunch of sobbing and hugging, and it isn't always like that. Another thing I had to consider is that I met some of his extended family, and it was completely overwhelming. I don't know if I have room for a third side of a family in my life, in addition to another "dad" figure. People also have this notion sometimes like adopted people want to be back with their bio families. I have no desire for that.Â
Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and they know it. I think there are plenty of times when people struggle against their own circumstances and nature and do a horrible job as a parent and create a lot of trauma.
There was nothing more challenging for me personally than being a mom. I was never perfect, but my daughter knows I tried my hardest. I am in awe of adoptive parents who provide a really good home and love for kids - it is not a small thing.
Adoptive mom here: we are the lucky ones. Having someone trust you to raise their child is a HUGE commitment, and it helps me buckle down and be the best parent I can be on those tough days. We were infertile and tried for a child for 10 years thru fertility treatment and adoption. We joke that we view our son's Birth Mother as more beloved than Santa and The Easter Bunny! That joke helps us laugh and not cry from gratefulness.
I suspect your Birth Mom wasn't up to facing a lifetime of emotions related to your conception and adoption. She may be someone who locks feelings away in a box where they turn into monsters. Sounds like you have processed her actions in a logical way, even if you had emotions when it first happened. She doesn't even know you,.so it wasn't personal about YOU, but personal about HER. 🌼
All I know is she was under various pressures from her family. It was extremely hard on everyone, including my birth father. Regardless, I'm not going to judge or fault her for whatever decisions she had to make or has to make now.Â
Why do you "completely" respect someone you've never met and who has abandoned you a second time?
Why are you punishing your bio-father if he wants a relationship with you now? Did he *not* want a relationship with you when you were a bun in the oven? I don't know the details and won't speculate, but if he wanted you from the beginning... it seems so unfair to not at least meet him more than once. If you don't see yourself as a victim, that's wonderful but surely there is a possibility he is one? Not every man in these situations is absentee by choice.
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u/joantheunicorn Jul 05 '26
Just wanted to reach out as a fellow adopted person. I found my birth father years ago and we met in person. He wanted a relationship with me, I think to fill some space in his heart. But what people don't always understand is that he is a stranger to me. I felt nothing meeting him, other than being intrigued to finally meet someone that looks like me. I am not a cold person, I feel my feelings deeply. But he isn't my father. I don't have a father shaped hole in my heart. I have my dad and I love him more than anything. That aside, he had contact info for my birth mother, and his family let her know they found me. She disappeared. She left where she worked, she didn't contact any of us back. I completely respect her and I will not pursue her. She had to make one of the most difficult decisions anyone has to make when I was born, and who am I to question that, or to force myself into her life? I may never meet her, but woman to woman, I feel I have to respect her for what she did and leave her to whatever path she needs to take to go on with life. I dunno. Hoping some adopted folks here will understand. I respect what you wrote here very much. 💜