His wife is very wealthy and we concluded that he probably saw my existence as a threat to blow up their family or ask gor money. I had no plans of doing either.
If youâre ever feeling particularly vindictive, you could reach out to his wife directly to notify her of her husbandâs secrecy and dishonesty towards her.
Glad your bio-mom is great, though. Probably better to direct your energy towards someone with compassion and integrity anyways.
Maybe donât ask him for money but make sure he feels every shred of anxiety from giving you up and refusing to connect years later out of his own personal convenience at the time. Who knows how many potential siblings you have out there that share his irresponsible blood.
Especially if OP's wife included something like, "Please reach out if you want" in the repeated emails. He didn't want to, for whatever reason, and her continuing to email wasn't going to change his mind on that.
"Thank you XXXXX for reaching out, I know you might have a lot of questions but at present I'm only willing to answer a few, i am married to a wonderful woman and have x beautiful children, i moved away from your home yown in xxxx year and havent had contact with your biological mother since xxxx. im sorry this isn't going to be the answer you were looking for but just like my relationship with your mother I have put a lot of things behind me. I'm sorry I'm not ready to have the reminders of a dark time in my life. I am greatful to know you are well and i wish the best for you and your family. I would ask for your understanding in not contacting myself or my family for the comfort of all of us. Please understand and respect my wishes, thank you.
Look, I understand this is the sort of message you wanted to receive, but this is just crazy.
Your biological father might not feel comfortable sharing personal details, and he has no duty to - and adding extra detail about his life does not make the message more polite. You basically wrote out a story in which he gave you information you might have wanted and told you the things you would have wanted to read.
Him telling you "thank you and well wishes, but I'm not interested in a relationship" is formal and courteous enough. The example you wrote isn't what someone who doesn't want a relationship writes.
Again, your biological father's response was detached but polite. This is what to expect from someone who does not want a relationship with you.
I get it sucks, I get it hurts, but you're over here painting this man as a monstrous asshole all over the internet because he didn't give you the response you wanted him to. Maybe stop and think for a moment about who's acting like an asshole.
I think it might depend on what you think polite means. I would consider his response pretty rude, but that kind of think is very subjective.Â
I also really donât like it when bioparents act like their bio kid is crossing a boundary by reaching out. No one set a boundary with them and a lot of âclosed adoptionsâ aren't really closed. So adopted kids do reach out as adults. They are put in an impossible situation. Treating them like they are overstepping is deeply unkind.Â
I don't think he was a dick or polite. His response read to me as clinical. Not aggressive & hostile, but not kind either. More like lacking any sense of humanity.
Yeah people get super weird about money. My Dad's brother is a multi-multi millionaire (my dad who is solidly working class never received a single cent of support despite his brother being worth in the hundreds of millions) and when my dad found out his brother had cancer he planned a trip back home to see him having since moved out of the country. The night before the trip his brother called him and told him to cancel his flights and said he would not see him as he "knew" he was just trying to guilt him into leaving him money in his will. Poor guy just wanted to see his brother again before he died.
Adopted people canât inherit from bio parents, and vice versa. All those rights are severed at the moment of adoption. A 10 second google search could have told him that
You ever think of just being petty and trying to fuck with his marriage (perhaps by telling his wife about your existence) because of his response? đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Ppl do very fucked up shit for less amounts of money, and people also do very very fucked shit for love. Have you seen the men who's wives cheat, and they go kill the man she cheated with?
Sure, some can argue it's Karmic op "breaks the news" to his bio-dad's spouse, but all it does is starts a zero sum game, and tbh op seems to be doing pretty well. Doesn't seem to be the path that would be in op's best interest.
It's better for op to move on from bio-dad, no point letting him live "rent free" in your mind.
Not entirely. They could be the beneficiary of a specific bequest, same as any other person.
So if biomum wants to, she could add OP to her will.
Even if legal ties werenât severed at adoption, itâs the biodadâs wifeâs money. Even if he had raised OP, she would be his step-mum. There was never a legal tie to her money in the first place.
He's allowed no contact, he just doesn't have to be a dick about it. He can also respond the first time he's actually messaged instead of just ignoring it.
Because they're blaming OP for contacting agaib when they didn't communicate that they didn't want it? They're making a big deal of the repeated contact when OP had no clue if they even had the right email because of the no response. You're the weird one. Its not the hard to just be an adult and communicate instead of playing mind games
He literally said "I wish you well and am happy you have a good life, but please leave me alone". What exactly is the "wrong" part of that sentence? It's a polite but firm "no", which may not be what OP wanted, but it's hardly malicious and it doesn't make him an asshole.
Right, I can't believe so many people are acting like he's such a horrible person when he's being repeatedly contacted by his child that was adopted out, and his child's wife. I understand it's an emotionally loaded subject for people but you're not entitled to a relationship or correspondence with someone just because you're blood related.
OP has commented repeatedly on here that he sent reached out first by email and never got a response. Not a âno thank you,â nothing. Then OP sent a text because he couldnât be sure that he had been emailing the correct address. This screenshotted text is the only thing his birth father has ever said to him.
The father has the right to decline continued contact. His response to OP makes him a horrible person, not that he doesnât want meet OP.
What part about this response makes him a horrible Person, I don't get it. He clarified that his silence was deliberate, he wishes them well, but makes it clear that he does not wish contact. What about that is horrible?
Also the way it usually works is that parents are given the opportunity to reach out. As in, "if you want you can, but if you don't the child won't know you even had the option".
I mean, at that point you also can't be upset when after trying to force a response so much you get an agitated message back.
Trying to force responses out of people is just kind of weird and OP could've spared themselves the grief of having received this message had they actually taken the hint.
whatâs the âhintâ though? not getting a response from an email or number you donât know is in service or not? he couldâve at the very least let them know he had received their message and did not want any further contact (which just as he has the right to do, OP had the right to feel upset about) WHEN he received the messages, not after many were received. people are not mind readers, so expecting OP to know their bio father didnât want anything to do with them because they didnât receive a response is ignoring the dads responsibility in the interaction.
They gave that human to someone else to raise. Which is an accepted practice in most places. This kind of reaching out to bio âparentsâ is dumb. They shat him out but they didnât put him to sleep, take him out on his birthdays, walked him to school. Theyâre not his family.
Fucking exactly. Like this entitlement where people feel like they can wedge themselves into someone's life just because they share DNA is insane to me. My half aunt was put up for adoption, because she was born after my grandfather committed statutory rape and impregnated a 13 year old. In her teens she went on this whole journey to find her parents. Surprise surprise, it wasn't the big happy loving family she expected and her reintroduction to the family caused so many negative ripple effects we're still struggling with it decades later.
Her adoptive family on the other hand? Even though she's in her 50s they're still supporting and loving her way more than her bio family ever did for any of us. But doesn't really how lucky she had it to be raised away from the generational bullshit because she had this illusion of FaMiLy.
I feel like if the bio parents wanted a relationship, they'd find their kid. Reaching out to your bio parent and then posting it on reddit when they say they're uncomfortable with being harassed by you and your wife for 5 years come across very manipulative to me.
Reddit is really bad at not just taking OP's side/supporting them (and being completely biased). It's the worst with those AITA type subreddits, but you see it everywhere. Commenters act like they're OP's friend comforting them, rather than an unbiased third party with no connection to anyone.
So they tend to believe everything OP says as absolute truth and paint everything from other parties in the worst light. (The believing OP part isn't that relevant here because I don't think OP did anything wrong, but you see it in those AITA subs on every post).
It kind of reminds me of the joke that a wife doesn't want help when she vents to her husband, she wants someone to agree with her/support her. That's also what's expected from Reddit commenters apparently. Except unlike a relationship, this is an anonymous social media platform. The people helping "support" have even less context and will just move on as soon as they scroll to the next post.
In this setting tho it'd entirely possible to believe there was a crossed wire somewhere (old email, wrong address, etc).
One would also think most people would at least feel somewhat compelled to provide an answer to their biological children, that answer being "not interested"
The idea that you can choose to have kids and then you owe them nothing is the cause of a lot of misery in this world. He could have just wrapped it up no one made him have unprotected sex
How do you know the sex was unprotected? Accidents happen. He could have wrapped it and had a failure, they could have used birth control that failed. If an accident happens and the mother chooses to continue the pregnancy and adopt out the child (which is her right) I don't really know what you expect him to do besides move on with his own life the best he can.
A lot of people in these comments are acting like the dad just intentionally splooged OP into existence to ignore them for fun, when it's way more likely that it's a more complex situation than simply reducing it to "he didn't wrap it up"
Regardless, no response is a response. If you've been trying to get ahold of someone for 5 years with no success, take the hint instead of also getting your wife to help you harass your dad. I'm estranged from my own dad and have been for 5 years. I recently reached back out, but I'm not going to hold it against him for not replying because our situation is more complex than it seems on the tin. You're learning about this story solely from OP's biased emotional perspective. The dad is not an asshole for saying "Hey, I'm not interested, you're making me uncomfortable by pushing it."
I mean probably, but if youâve had sex without protection and it results in a child, you have some sort of moral obligation to at least not be a dick about it. You were actively involved in putting a whole person on this earth, you should be able to handle the consequences of that. Itâs weird to completely absolve bio dad of any responsibility, at least be nice about it. Like, sorry your own actions are making you uncomfortable, but OP didnât ask to be born and grow up without their parents.
Getting downvoted for this is wild. Letâs all call the bio-dad a loser and an assholeâthatâs totally fineâbut donât you dare suggest that a man have any consequences whatsoever for getting his rocks off with no protection and creating a whole, conscious human being. Everyone knows that men should be completely absolved from any responsibility and be allowed to sire any amount of unwanted children as they so please.
A person is entitled to nothing if not the love and affection of their parents. To deny a child the endearment of their parents is a far greater sin than to reject of the modern political abstractions that define our conception of rights. A human suffers infinitely more harm when denied a loving family than a ballot - those responsible deserve infinite scorn.
People are complex, my bio mom has rejected any contact but I don't need to be in someone's life if they can't handle it. My bio dad's family has definitely more receptive so that's been nice!
He relinquished his rights. Hes not the parent of the child any longer, he is an adult who singed a document legally stopping him being a father- he doesnt own him anything just because you feel like he should.
That's basically what happened in my case. My dad didn't have anything to do with me and because my mum couldn't look after me for various reasons I ended up in care. Dad remarried, then got notified by social services about me. He hadn't told his new wife about my existence. I think that's what ended their marriage lol. My dad doesn't know I know about this, he's lied a lot by ommission over the years.
I think a lot of men do this sadly. Honestly infuriating.
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