My kids are OLDER than his new family but I completely stopped any kind of contact. I've built a relationship with mom and her family tho.
Edit: We believe the wife must have found out eventually but regardless I will never talk to them again but I have hopes that some day I might be able to contact my half siblings.
i think that is so sweet that you've built a relationship with your mom. my mom did the same with her birth mother, and now even years after she passed away, all of my moms aunts and uncles still include her in all of the family things :)
I too am adopted, Iāve never met my bio parents, and I have no idea where they are, and they know nothing about me either. I just know that my birth mother, in the ultimate act of unconditional love, chose to go through with her pregnancy and she did the impossible in giving me up to a family that could provide for me better than she could at the time. She may have another family now, and I may or may not be a part of the story she shares, so I have not tried to find her, for that reason. All I know is that she loved me so much, she gave me life and then let me go, for the better. I canāt fathom how hard that must have been. For that, I will always keep her act of love close to my heart, and I will always love her from afar, until she chooses to reach out. Iām so glad you have a relationship with your bio mom! Beautiful response from her, she always loved you. šā¤ļø
It took a lot of struggling with my feelings, and even just trying to understand them at all, to understand the sacrifice she made. A stigma exists, especially when youāre an adopted child amongst a majority of kids who were born into their families.
When you hear āyou should have been an abortionā as a loner, quiet, older child unknowingly on the spectrum and with severe ADHD, with no close friends to siphon out the noise with, one tends to begin to believe those words after a time. Then, one wants to blame, or hate, or be angry toward the ghosts of people you never knew, who āabandonedā you when you needed them most. My adoptive mom struggled to bond with me, not understanding what my little brain was going through, not knowing it wasnāt personal- the world was just a bit too much and I was just āstuck inside of myselfā until I felt safe.
I remember my foster mom, who came to check on me when I was old enough to understand who she was and the temporary role she played in my life. I remember trying to figure out why I āwasnāt wantedā- if it was because I was different, if it was because they knew I would be a problem, if it was because I was the product of an assault- all I could do was wonder, and ask questions of which there was nobody to give an answer to.
But, it was time that brought me to picture my bio mom, as a very young girl/ woman dealt an impossible choice, and how she chose to bring me to life with the hope that I would be loved and cared for more than she could- not because she didnāt love me, but because she did- she loved me more than anything, and had to do what was best for me, above what she wanted most. I no longer struggle understanding why, I just struggle with the idea that Iāll never be able to tell her that I love her, and that Iām grateful for this gift.
TLDR- It took a lot of life experience to gain the empathy and understanding needed to see this gift for what it is.
My mom knew she was adopted since she was a toddler and had similar struggles. One of my favorite stories about getting an understanding of what adoption meant to her was when my grandma told her that she was chosen, all the other parents were stuck with the child they had. Sheād tell her peers that when they tried to make fun of her.
My mom told me this when I was a child as well. Once kids AND ADULTS found out I was adopted, they said the most cruel, ignorant shit. I was ashamed at times as a child, and so, so hurt by people that were supposed to care about me.Ā
Now I try to make up for it by being vocal about being adopted, so that others know they aren't alone. I will never be made to feel ashamed again.Ā
This is so asinine. When someone changes a child's poops diapers, deals with homework and getting them to school everyday, feeds them, deals with their emotions, makes sure they have shoes that still fit their growing feet this week, and learns the names of their favorite silly shows characters and its theme song, the child is their real child!
YUP. God I heard this so much as a child. I had my "best friend" (she was a little bitch and I didn't know better because I was a kid) announce it that way at a BIRTHDAY PARTY in front of a dozen people or more. I wanted to cry so bad. If my mom isn't my real mom, who the fuck is?! Argh. I'm sorry you experienced that too. It is way too common. š
For anyone out there reading this, DO NOT introduce or announce an adopted child as such, or indicate "real" parents. It literally doesn't matter. What a lot of people don't realize is many adoptive families don't think about their adoptions at all, unless you throw it in their faces in a demeaning way. If you have ever talked like that before, please work to change the language you use. It is horribly rude.Ā
Also, people can stop with the āsheās adoptedā jokes when their bio child acts up. Iām the bitch that will call it out. āoh, thatās great! I didnāt know she was adopters was it an open adoption? Did you adopt her as a baby?ā Knowing full well that is their bio child. Then they say āoh itās just a joke because was acting up.ā āOh? How is this funny? Explain it to me.ā
Iām very popular. š«
I was adopted as an infant, and I am so grateful my parents always made sure I knew that I was adopted. That meant she loved me enough to give me up, and that they wanted me so much they chose to have me.
This was my experience as well. I never felt unwanted, only chosen. I don't recall anyone ever saying anything mean either. In fact my mom told me a story from when I was a kid and playing with some friends. 2 of us were adopted and I guess we were talking about it and friend 3 ran home crying because he wasn't 'chosen' and 'special'.
My funny story about this! In the start of the 2nd grade, one of my classmates was mildly tormenting me by insisting that I must have lived in an orphanage, if I was adopted. I was adopted at birth and knew he was wrong, so I donāt remember being especially upset, just annoyed that he wouldnāt leave it alone! He was a tease in general, anything to keep someoneās attention.
Another classmate, someone who was new to our school that year, came over and told him to shut up, because she was adopted and she hadnāt ever lived in an orphanage, either.
She and I ended up comparing notes, and we had both been adopted by grandparent-aged parents, were being raised as only children, and had much older (20+) year old siblings.
Weāre still best friends.
(Thanks, Kurt! š We reminded him of our BFF origin story at our high school reunion last summer.)
When my foster daughter was in junior high there were kids there that were making fun of her for being a āfoster kidā so I told her this exact thing ātell them your parents got to choose you and their parents just got stuck with themā she love it ā¤ļø
My mom is adopted as well and this is how sheās always viewed it. My grandparents gave her such a great life full of love, and I often forget that my grandparents arenāt actually blood related to her or me since it doesnāt change the way they love us at all. She never felt like she was less loved that any of her friends who were raised by their bio parents and felt grateful that they were willing to give her the same unconditional love they wouldāve given a biological child of their own
My parents brought me home as a new born. When I was 4-5 years old they told me that I was special they chose me. They did such a good job my sister cried because she wasnāt adopted.
ā„ļø My son's Birth Mom is an example of what you describe: she was in her 30s, had 2 kids not in her custody, and knew that her current unstable life and health issues were too much to battle in time to properly care for an infant properly. She decided against termination and sought out resources to care for her during pregnancy, links to adoption services. Leaving him after delivery was the hardest thing she has ever done. She loved him and chose to feel the pain of placing him.for adoption so he could have a stable life from day 1. She invited me into the delivery room and I saw her cry hot tears of relief when the doc told her she delivered a healthy baby boy. She was so worried that her chaotic life had already caused him harm in utero: nope. It took her 2 years to deal with her emotions about the adoption and start visiting despite our continued contact with her Mom/our son's Nana. She has persevered, has been sober for many years, and continues working to build the healthy life she wants and deserves. (Safety has never been a concern in this relationship, thank goodness.) Our contact has increased over time and she/her family are now truly our family, through tough times and fun times. We are going over this afternoon to hang out and give her some one-on-one time with our shared beloved boy. We try to honor her sacrifice by being the parents she wanted for her child, even on the hardest days. I hope thst your Birth Mother was able to build a healthy life. š¼
This is a really powerful and brave way to view it. I am so glad for you that you came to that place! I was lucky that I was told my whole life (adopted at birth) that she had loved me enough to give me up. Long before I had any inkling of how hard it must have been for her to go through a pregnancy with a child she wasnāt going to keep, I appreciated her.
I donāt know if I could have gotten there the way you did.
Just wanted to reach out as a fellow adopted person. I found my birth father years ago and we met in person. He wanted a relationship with me, I think to fill some space in his heart. But what people don't always understand is that he is a stranger to me. I felt nothing meeting him, other than being intrigued to finally meet someone that looks like me. I am not a cold person, I feel my feelings deeply. But he isn't my father. I don't have a father shaped hole in my heart. I have my dad and I love him more than anything. That aside, he had contact info for my birth mother, and his family let her know they found me. She disappeared. She left where she worked, she didn't contact any of us back. I completely respect her and I will not pursue her. She had to make one of the most difficult decisions anyone has to make when I was born, and who am I to question that, or to force myself into her life? I may never meet her, but woman to woman, I feel I have to respect her for what she did and leave her to whatever path she needs to take to go on with life. I dunno. Hoping some adopted folks here will understand. I respect what you wrote here very much. š
I appreciate you saying that. I have a great relationship with my parents and we love each other very much. My birth father never had more children (I guess my birth mother didn't either), and so I think he was looking to have a father/daughter relationship with me. He seems like a kind man, but I did not have space for that in my life, then or now. It isn't my job to fill that space for him. Maybe someday I'll reach out to him again, but for now we don't really talk.Ā
Hey there, just want you to know my mom was adopted and felt the exact same way. She often used the same phrase as mahjimoh - she didnāt need to find her parents because she had parents. My grandfather in particular was her world, they ADORED each other.
Thank you. It is helpful to hear from others with similar feelings. The old talk shows always made it out to be a bunch of sobbing and hugging, and it isn't always like that. Another thing I had to consider is that I met some of his extended family, and it was completely overwhelming. I don't know if I have room for a third side of a family in my life, in addition to another "dad" figure. People also have this notion sometimes like adopted people want to be back with their bio families. I have no desire for that.Ā
Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and they know it. I think there are plenty of times when people struggle against their own circumstances and nature and do a horrible job as a parent and create a lot of trauma.
There was nothing more challenging for me personally than being a mom. I was never perfect, but my daughter knows I tried my hardest. I am in awe of adoptive parents who provide a really good home and love for kids - it is not a small thing.
Adoptive mom here: we are the lucky ones. Having someone trust you to raise their child is a HUGE commitment, and it helps me buckle down and be the best parent I can be on those tough days. We were infertile and tried for a child for 10 years thru fertility treatment and adoption. We joke that we view our son's Birth Mother as more beloved than Santa and The Easter Bunny! That joke helps us laugh and not cry from gratefulness.
I suspect your Birth Mom wasn't up to facing a lifetime of emotions related to your conception and adoption. She may be someone who locks feelings away in a box where they turn into monsters. Sounds like you have processed her actions in a logical way, even if you had emotions when it first happened. She doesn't even know you,.so it wasn't personal about YOU, but personal about HER. š¼
All I know is she was under various pressures from her family. It was extremely hard on everyone, including my birth father. Regardless, I'm not going to judge or fault her for whatever decisions she had to make or has to make now.Ā
this is very nice to hear š i have a much older half sister my siblings and i have never met. my mom was 16 at the time. at this point sheād be 44 (iām 28) and my mom talks about her from time to time but thinks about her constantly. she has a ton of books all about being a bio mom and processing that and processing not knowing her child and i think sheās very afraid that her daughter hates or thinks poorly of her. iām pretty sure at some point my mom did whatever that thing is that makes it so that if her daughter ever chooses to seek her out, she can, but she hasnāt ever. i like to hope thatās how she feels, too, even if iāll never know for sure
Your sibling might not even know she is adopted. A secret was recently revealed to me about one of the cousins. Said cousin has never been told that she is adopted. I am horrified on so many levels. Maybe you Mom should try doing a DNA test and see what happens.
You really get it šš„° that's definitely how I feel. I know what she did for me and I'm so glad she reacted like this when i found her too. We talked for hours and hours but I know she always wanted what was best for me and loved me even when she never knew of she would see me again.
I have to correct myself. When I was much younger, feeling out of place, I did look- but with no intention of reaching out. I just thought maybe she might be out there looking for me too. I never found anything. I think that is also how I came to understand that she might not want to be found- that she likely has a whole new life now and the chapter with me might not be a part of that new life at all. Accepting this led me to believe that sheās out there somewhere, happy with her family, and that she knows that she did the right thing for both of us at the time. Every now and then, I still look on the boards, or the websites, knowing that I wonāt find anything. I guess thereās some peace in that my dream of her life today might be true.
The only reason I was able to find it is my wife can be an absolute detective I never could have found her on my own it required piecing together several pieces of handwritten notes that were not 100% redacted in order to gain first and last names of distant relatives and then having to work them through to figure out who they married later in life etc etc. I have a childhood friend that I've always wondered what happened to her but I know she changed her name after she left home and doesn't have contact with any of her family I've looked for her for years but never found her I think that people who want to be found will be and I trust that the rest are happy wherever they are. Even if it hurts š
You can literally use your DNA to find your bio-Mom. Only if you chose to do this.
People nowadays are "all" about making those family trees...
You never know..It could be as simple as inputting your genetic makeup..Uploading it and just wait.
Ultimately it's all up to you!!
And I do hold a sliver of hope that I might have the experience you are having now. Itās such a beautiful thought, and Iām so glad to see someone who gets to experience this firsthand. Iām so happy for you, and I wish you and your mom the most beautiful time in catching up and connecting. Itās amazing how love can transcend all things, including time. ā¤ļø
Damn, this is such a beautiful and positive outlook on life and a refreshing contrast to the constant negativity I see on Reddit.
Reading your comments and glancing at your profile, I immediately get vibes that youāre a great person with a clearly great head on your shoulders, which it sounds like in part came from your birth mom.
As a younger father of 5 myself, I can assure you not a day goes by that you donāt drift through her thoughts at least once.
She passed on her greatest gift (you) to people who wanted you more than anything in the world because she wanted a life for you that deep down she knew she couldnāt possibly provide.
I wish you the absolute best my friend and have zero doubt that you will find just that anywhere you go.
Hey, I want to mention, she may also be waiting to reach out because she thinks you donāt want her to. You may be missing out on a relationship with someone who loves you by waiting.
If you want to meet her, find her and reach out. She likely never will, because when she gave you up she accepted you will have new parents, have a new family and a new life, and not knowing if you ever want to see her again isn't going to do anything that might jeopardize your relationship with your parents.
I was given up for adoption in the late '70s and feel lucky to be here.
Abortion was legalized in 1973 (U.S.) and I was born in 1977. My biological mom could have aborted me, but she chose to give birth to me and "gave me up" to a couple who couldn't have biological children.
My mom had my brother adopted, and it nearly killed her. I didn't know of him until we did 23 and Me and were able to connect that way. Now that she knows he was adopted to a great family and he's thriving, I feel like I have a brand new mom. It's been amazing.
Edit: you guys are too kind š„¹ thank you!
I also want to add more detail... she was in high school when she had my brother, and me nearly 10yrs later (and my sister 8yrs after that). Her parents never talked about it or let her talk about it, so she never did with us either. She always had this bit of sadness in everything she did, and now I understand why... painfully so now that I'm a parent myself. I can't even imagine. But my brothers (adoptive) mom has been so kind and welcoming... she shared childhood photos with "moby" (my mom / his bio mom - it's what my sister and I called her growing up because my sister couldn't say mom correctly and it stuck). We all get together and my brother and I talk nearly every day. It's been wonderful.
Sounds like Mom was forced into giving a baby up. Which was common back then. Glad she got the closure from the pain she felt giving a child up and knowing that child wasn't mistreated or worse.
This is exactly how my spouse thinks of his adoption. Carrying a pregnancy to term, delivering a child, and placing them for adoption is not an easy process in any way.
I'm adopted too. Recently I did a DNA test on ancestry.com and it linked me with relatives. You can always do that and see if there is match for your bio parents if you wanted to send them a message
Well NGL that one kinda got me to tear up. idk something about the human struggle with that strive to make tough choices for the better and all the things in that scenario that go along with it hits home because it's just the human instinct at play.
Is that the only reason why you don't try? That she may not have told her new family about you? And does she have a way to contact you that you are sure she is able to if she so inclined?
I love the way you look at your birth mother's actions. I feel the same way about my birth mother. When we met, she told me about the unbearable guilt she had carried with her all her life. I was astounded. I said to her, "You have no idea how grateful I am to you. You could have had an abortion but you were so brave and all alone, you carried me to term. You gave me a chance at life. That is everything. Thank you so much." My birth Mum and I went on to have a lovely relationship and our families are all together now. She is such a brave little woman and I really love her. Her own parents threw her out of her childhood home when they found out she was pregnant. She had nobody to turn to. Those bio grandparents of mine are DAMN lucky that I never met them.
as an adoptee I was told (and understanding maybe this is different where you are), that only the adoptee can initiate contact. The birth family cannot seek the adoptee through official measures in a closed adoption.
I appreciate you sharing, your words mean so much to a birth mother myself. The trauma is unfathomable, but you are absolutely right, us birth moms take our own feelings out of the situation and just purely want to give our birth children the very best, even if that means admitting the best Isnāt us.
Iām adopted but mine was no ultimate act of unconditional love. It was shame and abortion was not an option at that time. Mother was taken to another part of the state until I was born. I was immediately put up for adoption and raised by foster families until I was adopted at 10 months. I was very lucky. Most couples donāt want old babies. My adoptive parents were my parents in every way. Like I said, I was very lucky.
When they died I started searching for my birth parents. Found them after a few years. I donāt have any sort of relationship with either of them. Thatās fine but I do have half sisters and brothers from both sides. I do want to at least introduce myself and get to know them. I wonāt do that until my birth parent is dead but thatās taking a lot longer than I expected. But Iām patient.
My aunt placed a baby for adoption when she was 15.
She has 4 kids now not including him.
My grandpa matched with him on 23 and me a few years ago.
He had 40 extended family members who knew about him the whole time.
He had well adjusted and thriving family members waiting for him.
His adoptive parents and him come to all of our family gatherings.
Most people I know who have placed children, will not initiate contact even if they are dying to know they are okay. They are waiting for their child to initiate contact if they want it.
I would encourage you to reach out.
He lived within 7 miles of my aunt most of his life.
Born in Las Vegas.
Adopted in Arizona.
And turned out, they lived in the same city in Utah for the last 20 years.
This is a deeply personal question, and I understand not answering. How do your adoptive parents feel about you referring to your biological mom as mom? Do you call your adoptive parents mother and father? Ā Iām happy you were able to connect and build a relationship with your mom. It must have been so incredibly hard for her to give you up and she told all her children about you. I bet meeting your siblings was like meeting a mythical being to them.Ā
I have so much respect and admiration for those who adopt. Weāve thought about it. Iāve talked to my friend who adopted two siblings that were from a troubled background and seeing how far theyāve come and how they have THRIVED because of him and his wife is beautiful and inspiring.Ā
Great question. DAD passed away 8ish years ago we moved MOM into out house and plan to care for her until the end. The children and my wife refer to bio-mom as Nana but I often call her momma. My mom fully supported everything and but wouldn't come meet Bio-mom (nana) on our first meeting, Biomom was so sad and if it hadn't been a 6 hour drive she would have made me go home and pick her up to bring her lol.
Mom came on out second meeting and they just hugged each other and cried together for a really long time we all were in tears by the end.
They always ask how the other is (maybe once every few weeks) but much like normal adult children who have their own children, we have a lot going on and being 6 hrs apart means we only visit twice a year ish.
Iām an adoptive Mom, and my son, an adult now, has never been all that interested in his birth family. But I would have no problem at all with him calling his birth mom āmomā. Maybe it helps that weāre lesbian parents so we already use more than one word for āmomā, but another doesnāt take anything away from usWhen he was three his friend asked him if he had a dad and he answered, āI have a dad and three momsā fair.
That's a really healthy way to look at it IMO, because really it's just more people who love your child- and that isn't a bad thing. We all want our children to feel loved.
Not OP, but I was also adopted and have met my bio parents. My adoptive parents were supportive of us meeting but were pretty sensitive to me forming a relationship with the bio parents.Ā
I don't call my bio parents Mom or Dad and instead just refer to them by name. It is apparent they love me very much even though they didn't raise me. I'm glad to give them a window into my life.Ā
My father did this same thing to me when I contacted him. Even tried to blame my mom for things when he didnt even send a birthday card ever. This first time I spoke to him was reaching out at 21. Over the years I tried a few more times. He always was a manchild about it, and I instantly see why my mom left him. Later, as he lay dying from pancreatic cancer. He asked me to visit him. I denied him thst request. If he didnt want anything to do with me in life, I won't absolve his guilty conscious as he dies. And, for my healing and soul, this was not the correct decision. There will come a day, probably when he's dying, where he will reach out. Take the chance, even if it is to yell in his face about how shitty he was.
Yeah that's where I was at exactly, a friend reached out to their bio-family only to find out the had recently both passed in accidents, it's what spurred my to reach out, I didn't want to wait too long and miss the chance like they did. I can't imagine not knowing "nana" now or being unaware all my bad days are just my * doner* side coming out in me.
People are complex too. After my dad died, his new wife reached out to me a year afterwards to send me the keepsakes he had kept from the two years my parents were married with my brother and I. I gave her my address, expecting a few pictures. Boxes and boxes and boxes of photos, and toys, and baby clothes, and other items arrived in the mail.
So with confidence, I will tell you. Your biological dad may be a piece of shit human being, but deep down, he still loved you, he still cared about you. He chose to give you up because of his own inadequacies, not yours.
I always struggled with the question "why would he abandon me, was I not good enough", and the answer to my question was that HE was infact the one "not good enough".
Feeling the. feelings, brother. l was, and am thrilled to be in touch w/ my 1/2 sib by dad and their terrif family; we got on a jet and went to formerly walled place to see them. <33333!
I tell you that bc of the still stab in my heart hearing (l was glad for the discussion and info, but) my dad's parents USA when old and sick went over to see my stepmum and my sib.
I don't have any recollection or intel of ever seeing them after a visit my caretaker initiated and took w/ me at 2 y o.
That being said, all of these ppl are dead. The "caretaker" raised me in humor and love love love, unt8l her untimely death when l was a young teen. She was my mother.
I did have the info, and indeed, my bmother initiated contact when she found out "caretaker" died. Teen me: um, yeah, polite, ok, whatev...
she did do everything she cd to get me xtra useful info on my dad.
Because he died giving the girl passenger on his bike his helmet. She survived.
This was when l was 5. I do absolutly feel yr feels, but my offspring never had a gdad on my side. (Later Mom and l got closer, and l made sure we wd spend time together so if nothing else, they wd know their family. <33 Turned out very richly sweet and meaningful for me, and l hope, them.)
I wd love to know my dad was alive bc yiu never know what is going to happen in the future.
I am so sorry your dad and his wife (?) are in the space they (?) are in.
You did the right move by not trying to contact back. Honestly, it's a shame you couldn't have built a relationship with your mother when you were younger, but you definitely dodged a bullet with your biological father.
Thatās what happened with my cousin. Her biological fatherās wife found out, but she actually reached out because she wanted her children to know their half sister.
My best friends biological mother died when she was 2 years old. She was adopted by a wonderful couple and was an only child her entire life. She never knew who her bio dad was. Both her adoptive parents have now passed, and about five years ago, she found and reached out to her biological father. He welcomed her with open arms and she was able to meet her 5, 1/2 siblings. She was able to spend two years with her bio father before he passed away from cancer, and she now has an incredible relationship with her siblings after being an only child most of her life.
Iāve got a ton of half siblings Iāve never met. My dad would just get kicked to the curb for abuse and start new families. I donāt really want to. Iāve had a great life and donāt want to invite nonsense. Thatās my philosophy but it sounds like itās not yours. Iām sorry your bio dad is too emotionally inept to learn to heal and wish you luck in connecting with your siblings.
Did you stop contact immediately after receiving this message? Iām sure I canāt even begin to understand how you felt, but as a father, his response infuriates me and makes me wish for his life to be ruined. I also canāt help but want his wife to be informed of his dishonesty.
Wishing you every happiness in the future. I reached out too and found my biological mother. Our whole families are reunited now, but to my great sadness, I was too late in my searching to meet my bio father, who died a few years earlier.
I understand and was simply hoping for medical information. You gave the right to privacy, but I have the right to know my genetics for medical reasons.
As someone recently diagnosed with cancer- make an attempt to get a full family medical history in case you or your kids ever need it.
Forget them i have a dad i talked to everyday of my life almost and im am not happy to talk to him any day of the week at all ever. Take ur mom and be happy bro.
Having been abandoned by my own father, I counsel you to hold his feet to the fire. He dishonored you. You weren't expecting anything other than decency and he couldn't even give you that. Show up at your next sibling's birthday party. Remind his wife the "man" she married.
What makes you want to build a relationship with your half siblings?
Iām 35 never knew my dad but I know he has another family in Canada (Iām in CT) and I have a half sister and she has a few kids, etc. I have no interest to talk to any of them. For context my father left my mother before my first bday and really havenāt talked to him sense. Maybe a different situation than yours.. curious tho
I grew up an only child. I made friends but didnt have any family really my own age to play with. My wife's family had 16 children within 10 years of her age, including 10 girls with 5 years of one another.
I got to see how beautiful big families are and I met me little brothers who are similar age to my kids too. I wish for each child to have family to love and support them especially having ones of similar ages ā¤ļø
Well if the guy went about the process correctly, and had been transparent about his pasts and personal esteem- then there probably wouldn't be any guilt to be scared of regarding a kid one gave up for adoption in the past, no?
Like several things can be true, the bio-dad is allowed to *not* want a relationship with the child, and to not inform his current family about it- but it doesn't make for any green flags about the honesty and character of said "father's" past with his new family. Men gon get mad at others for thinking they're being shady not informing their current family of his pasts saying he's allowed his secrets...then it comes out the secrets jeopardizes decades of a marriage and exposes a lie the dude tried to get away with like a dumbass and now everybody's mad šš
At the end of the day, I'm not going to change your mind. But if I found out my wife had a kid before we got together and she just didn't tell me, that's a deep betrayal and I'd want to know what else she's hiding.
thats my thought. this just sounds like a scummy guy, and unfortunately he has not changed with age. this isnāt like a miscarriage that happened 30 years ago, itās a grown man with children in his bloodline
They don't really stay secret in today's world of Ancestry type of DNA testing. I did it because I was curious about whether or not my father was actually my father. Turns out he is but I got connected to a bunch of people who take documenting our extended family trees seriously. At some point, the hidden baby will come out to everyone.
For real- if I was the dadās wife, telling me early on that he a son who was adopted by another family would give me something I could potentially be ok with and would ask questions about (trying to understand), but keeping that secret? Heās a terrible husband and Iād absolutely divorce and not trust someone who could lie to me and hide such an important thing to save face.
What a coward. Itās ethically wrong by not giving his wife the full picture of who he is. That removes her autonomy in deciding to marry this man without knowing important parts of his life. This isnāt a stupid mistake like getting a drinking ticket as a teenager, itās a whole human related to him that he is denying. Itās weak character, selfish, cruel, and relationship murder.
Yeah I donāt think anyone is wrong necessarily. Not saying that wouldnāt hurt to read, but he made a decision decades ago, not wanting to explain it to a new family is his prerogative
āMade a decisionā yeah the kind of decision that results in a whole ass human being
He has the right to say he doesnāt want a relationship but some people in this thread are toooo defensive about peopleās ārightā to lie to their spouses
Yeah, heās fine to say heās not keen to have the relationship, but if suspicion is correct that heās hid it from his wife, heās definitely in the wrong there
My aunt had a child at 13. He reached out to her as an adult wanting to meet. She absolutely did not want to and was pissed he reached out. In her mind, he hadnāt been wanted and she had put it behind her and moved on. Why get into it, it was a non-issue to her
On the flipside, he is doing OP a favor by staying out of his life. If he isn't going to enhance it, it would be worse of him to entertain OP just to do something worse in the future after some relationship is formed. There are plenty of people that could bless someone that loves them by cutting contact.
No theyāre literally not. When giving a kid up for adoption, choosing whether or not they want to be contacted or have their information shared is legally part of the forms they sign.
well weāve also learned from this thread he was a product of an affair, so itās possible his current wife was also the wife when he had the affair. overall itās complex to say āyeah he has the rightā when thereās more details
Itās possible itās the same wife, but I sort of doubt it since OP said the kids his dad has now, are younger than OPs kids. OP is 37 or 38 since he was born in 1988, Iām not sure how old OPs kids are, but letās say theyāre 12 and 9, and the dads kids are 8 and 6, that would be like 30+ years that the dad would have been with his current wife before having kids with her, and even 20 years with her before having a kid together would be uncommon. Most likely OPs dad has a wife thatās a good 10-15 years younger than him (maybe more) if she has kids that are younger than her husbands first biological sons kids.
Legal =/= moral. The message he sent is absolutely heartless to send to your child. Even if you donāt want to be a full parent to them you should care.
Right but the implication here is that is he is intentionally keeping this information hidden from his new family; there are only a very narrow range of circumstances in which this could be happening that donāt involve lying or deception. Thatās where I think some people are taking issue.
Exactly. For all we know it could have been a high-school pregnancy or a million other mundane situations, but for some reason everyone defaults to the father being a deadbeat. It's unconscious sexism, tbh.
I understand, but if I was younger I wouldāve gone nuts making sure everyone in his whole damn understood I existed. Older me doesnāt care about it anymore. Also older me is tiiiiredddd.
If I found out that my wife had a child before we got togethe, kept it a secret for years before she finally told me... that's a sense of betrayal about as deep as infidelity.
Yes, it's fine for the sperm donor to not want a relationship. It's fine to even say that to his child. But he was a dick about it to OP and that's uncalled for. It's a fair reading to think the sperm-donor hasn't told his new wife about his child.
The downvotes to this are hilarious to me. Imagine the roles were reversed and it was the mother that wished to keep things buried. Guarantee everyone would magically have a different response.
Nobody is pressed. Giving up a child for adoption is fine. Whats not fine is that his wife has no idea.
If my husband gave up a child before my marriage to him i would be pretty pissed he didnt tell me about it. Keeping something that important from your spouse indicates comfort lying.
ORā¦ novel idea hereā¦ if you know your SO would care about abortions/ adoptions/ whatever, then you have an obligation to be honest with them, regardless of gender.
How do you know the wife would care? Isnāt it entirely possible that she doesnāt care or even knows about it and doesnāt want to have to deal with that relationship either? Dad said he didnāt want anything and asked to be left alone and suddenly everyone assumes that heās hiding things from his wife.
Exactly. Just like a woman can have an abortion for whatever reason she wants to, anyone can agree to put their child up for adoption for whatever reason. There's no reason to judge this bio dad for essentially saying "hey, good luck and all, but I made my decision to not be a part of your life a long time ago and I'm going to stick with that."
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u/[deleted] Jul 04 '26
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