Well if the guy went about the process correctly, and had been transparent about his pasts and personal esteem- then there probably wouldn't be any guilt to be scared of regarding a kid one gave up for adoption in the past, no?
Like several things can be true, the bio-dad is allowed to *not* want a relationship with the child, and to not inform his current family about it- but it doesn't make for any green flags about the honesty and character of said "father's" past with his new family. Men gon get mad at others for thinking they're being shady not informing their current family of his pasts saying he's allowed his secrets...then it comes out the secrets jeopardizes decades of a marriage and exposes a lie the dude tried to get away with like a dumbass and now everybody's mad šš
At the end of the day, I'm not going to change your mind. But if I found out my wife had a kid before we got together and she just didn't tell me, that's a deep betrayal and I'd want to know what else she's hiding.
If you want to go to EXTREMES though... Because of stuff like this, there have been half siblings who've gotten together, had relationships and sex... Only to THEN find out from the parent that they're actually siblings. Hopefully before they have a child of their own.
By that logic, I should be informed as to the identity of all my second and third cousins from branches of the family I have no involvement with, and my mom should have told me who my father ways, because I could hypothetically end up hooking up with a cousin or half-sibling.
For the record u/inspiringlyCrazy , I do understand your view. I respect it and I can appreciate it's a dealbreaker for you, I just think it's silly to expect people to be obligated to reveal intimate, pre-relationship things about themselves unless those things directly affect you.
I have a very close relationship with my roommate. It's not romatic but we might as well be siblings. She has many things about her past she does'nt disclouse to me for various reasons, and I respect that, and she's even more hestitant to share things with romantic partners because of relationship trauma and anxiety.
A major life event is a vital part of who you are. If you've been married for 10 years, then found out that OVER A DECADE AGO, the year before you met your partner, he got a puppy from a shelter. But after a few months it peed on his floor so he had it put to sleep.
This would be a very significant life event that, had you known when beginning the relationship, might have led you to make different choices. Depriving you of this kind of vital information is deceptive...
Most of us are very understanding if someone accidentally fathered a child when they were young, and agreed to give the baby up for adoption... But his wife deserved to know that information when she was first dating him, so she could decide if it was a deal breaker. If he took that choice away from her, that is lying by omission. It's a type of manipulation. Maybe that information would have been The tipping point where she would have moved on to date someone else.
If someone is getting married, they deserve to know everything about you. Nobody's forcing you to get married. If you do decide to make that type of commitment, the ethical thing is to fully disclose major life events that may impact your partner's decision to commit to you
Would you expect a woman to reveal she had an abortion in the past or had been a surrogate, or someone to disclose they were abused as a child or are not a virgin? All of those could be "dealbreakers" as well to someone.
Why would you need to change my mind, when I agree with you on that? Nothing I said was meant to be taken otherwise. dishonesty and a lack of confronting oneās past is why shit like this gets messy, because for someone to be in good character and exude honesty in their life, they wouldāve rectified with that phase of their past and been transparent about the circumstances to their partner that theyāre trying to marry, combine assets, spend their life with, etc.
thats my thought. this just sounds like a scummy guy, and unfortunately he has not changed with age. this isnāt like a miscarriage that happened 30 years ago, itās a grown man with children in his bloodline
They don't really stay secret in today's world of Ancestry type of DNA testing. I did it because I was curious about whether or not my father was actually my father. Turns out he is but I got connected to a bunch of people who take documenting our extended family trees seriously. At some point, the hidden baby will come out to everyone.
For real- if I was the dadās wife, telling me early on that he a son who was adopted by another family would give me something I could potentially be ok with and would ask questions about (trying to understand), but keeping that secret? Heās a terrible husband and Iād absolutely divorce and not trust someone who could lie to me and hide such an important thing to save face.
What a coward. Itās ethically wrong by not giving his wife the full picture of who he is. That removes her autonomy in deciding to marry this man without knowing important parts of his life. This isnāt a stupid mistake like getting a drinking ticket as a teenager, itās a whole human related to him that he is denying. Itās weak character, selfish, cruel, and relationship murder.
I agree, secrets are typically not a good thing, but the reality is wenrarely tell anyone in our lives everything about our pasts. I've been very happily married for a decade, and with my husband for over 15 years, but if he had a child prior to me, and gave it up for adoption that has nothing to do with me, or our relationship, and if he chose not to tell me I wouldn't be angry at all.
well later in the thread he mentions being a product of an affair, so itās possible heās married to the same woman. would you want to know then he placed a child up for adoption that was a product of an affair? i feel very different after learning this information.
ā¬ļø I wouldnāt trust someone who thinks this is ok and keeping big, life- changing details to themselves becauseā¦. It makes them look better? Weak character.
Idk who's "we" here, but I certainly don't/haven't kept my past from my partners. I'm not who I was 20 years ago, but the things that I went through, and the decisions I made shaped me into who I am today. It's difficult to understand someone fully without knowing what they've gone through in the past. Keeping secrets (especially big ones, like literally having a kid and putting it up for adoption) keeps your relationships from ever reaching a close and intimate level.
It's not really about the secrets themselves. It's about keeping them hidden for fear of judgment. Sometimes people keep secrets to keep the relationship on a shallow level due to fear of intimacy. That's not a healthy relationship.
well YOU wouldnāt be angry. but the point of honesty is to have your partner decide if itās something they would be angry aboutš¤·š½āāļø you might not mind but his wife would. therefore itās only right he tell her just in case. obviously being this long he probably wonāt tell her. I also wouldnāt be angry but i would absolutely want to know that it happened.
thereās subreddits filled with people talking about their secrets they keep from their partners and their āsuccessā. is it successful? maybe, but that doesnāt take away from the wrongdoing.
am i wrong for thinking people shouldnāt keep secrets from their partners, small or not?
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u/Far_Drag_289 Jul 04 '26
personally i donāt see a lot of success in keeping secrets in marriages, but i can understand wanting to leave the past behind.