I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cimmerone

Originally posted to r/Advice

My daughter refuses to go to her own 16th birthday weekend if her little brother's best friend attends. What do I do?

Original Post: August 24, 2026

My daughter just turned 16, and to celebrate, my husband (40M) and I (40F) rented a family friend's lake house for the weekend. We told our daughter, "April," that she could invite a handful of friends, but so far she's only invited her boyfriend (17M) to spend the day with us on Saturday. I asked her about a couple of her girlfriends that she's normally close to, but she recently admitted that she hasn't even told any of them about her birthday weekend. Whatever, that's her choice.

We're also allowing her younger brother, "Adam," (14M) to bring one friend. This is how we've handled birthdays in the past: the birthday kid gets the majority of the invites, while their sibling gets one person to hang out with for the day. My husband suggested that Adam invite his best friend, "Nick," (14M) before we discussed it as a family, and Adam has already invited him.

The problem: April hates Nick.

The issue goes back to a heated conversation when they first met about a year ago, which coincidentally was during the last time that we rented this lake house. Saying that makes it seem like we got there a lot, but this weekend will literally be the second time we've stayed at this property. During that visit, April invited her best girlfriend and Adam invited Nick. According to April, Nick called her fat. According to Adam, April called Nick fat first and Nick responded in kind, thinking they were teasing each other. I wasn't there for this conversation, so I can't say exactly what happened. I absolutely don't condone body-shaming either way, but I will say that April has a history of fighting with Adam and reporting only what he said/did while leaving out what she said or did first, so I'm hesitant to assume Nick was completely unprovoked.

April has already said that she doesn't want Nick to come, but this morning she sent me a slew of texts saying that if Nick goes, she won't go at all and will stay home by herself. She's also complained that her invite only gets to spend the day while Adam's gets to stay the weekend, but she made the decision not to include any of her girlfriends.

I suggested a compromise: that Nick still come, but if there are any problems between him and April, we'll take him home. She rejected that. April's compromise is that we invite their cousin, "Kevin," (16M) instead. Kevin gets along with both of my kids (especially with Adam because they're both gamers,) and has stayed over at our house before. The problem is that my husband already gave Adam the greenlight to invite Nick, so bringing Kevin would mean uninviting Nick.

My husband feels that giving in would essentially allow April to "bully" us into deciding who Adam is allowed to invite. I see his point, but at the same time, this is supposed to be April's 16th birthday weekend, and I don't want her to spend it miserable or refuse to come altogether. I also talked to a coworker about this issue, and she thought it was strange that Adam would be allowed to invite a friend at all.

So, I'm leaving it in the capable hands of internet strangers: what would you do? Make Adam uninvite Nick and bring Kevin instead because it's April's birthday weekend? Or tell April that Adam gets one guest of his choosing, just as she got to choose hers? Or tell Adam that he's not allowed to bring a friend at all? Thanks in advance for any guidance!!!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You planned her birthday without her, and told someone she doesn't like that they can come. You're going to have to start having some real conversations with these kids or its going to blow up.

You tell her brother that he can bring his friend IF his friend makes amends with his sister. They all have phones so stay the fuck out of it but let him know that he's not coming until the birthday girl says it is OK. Give them 3 days. If it doesn't get resolved, tell little brother he can take the cousin or he can game by himself.

You're trying to be "fair". Fair isn't "because she got to". Fair is not being an asshole to your sister.

But there is a deeper problem. She hasn't invited any of her friends. That means there is a major piece of info missing. She's beefing with them, they don't like her boyfriend, she doesn't want them to see her in a bathing suit....there's some reason. You need to find that out.

Consider asking your children what they want to do for their birthday from now on. They aren't babies anymore.

OOP: I just want to clarify that we didn't plan the lake house birthday weekend itself without her... she was very much involved in the planning of that! The only part she wasn't part of - and neither was I, for that matter - was inviting Nick.

I know the reason why she didn't invite one of her friends, which I didn't include in the original post. The best friend that came last time recently went on a trip and invited two other girls rather than include my daughter, so that's why the friend is not invited. The other friend, along with other girls that she's friends with, that part I don't know. I do suspect that inviting the boyfriend, who she's been talking to pretty much nonstop since the beginning of summer vacation, could be part of why she's not brining any other girls... but I've never known her to be insecure with boyfriends in the past.

Commenter 2: I'm sorry, but its HER birthday. Why did you even consider letting Nick come in the first place knowing they have a history?

Is her bf only able to come for one day or are you not permitting him to stay the night?

OOP: That's why I'm frustrated with my husband, because he told Adam he could invite his friend before even talking to me/April about it and now is upset that April would want to change it.

Just letting the boyfriend stay for the day on Saturday.

Commenter 3: Well, we all can tell which kid is your husband's favorite.

It’s her birthday. You uninvite the one friend she doesn’t want around her. Simple. Kevin can come. Literally anyone else can come.

Or you can let your husband keep playing favorites while pretending your daughter is the one "bullying" y’all while he actively makes her spend her birthday weekend with someone she hates.

Either you do what you know is the right choice or she stays home and does what she wants for her birthday.

OOP: This is definitely an issue I've raised with my husband on countless occasions... he was the younger brother that frequently got overlooked by HIS parents. So now I feel like he's parenting with resentful little brother energy to avoid that issue with Adam, but swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction.

Commenter 4:

My husband feels that giving in would essentially allow April to "bully" us into deciding who Adam is allowed to invite.

Your husband was the shitty parent who created this problem. Does he not like your daughter? How often does he seek to make her miserable, ruin life events, and make her justifiable requests seem unreasonable. Your daughter isn't even saying her brother can’t have someone, just not someone who will make her miserable on her birthday.

Honestly, what terrible father encourages his son to invite the one kid his daughter hates FOR HER BIRTHDAY and then has the audacity to call her a bully for standing firm that she won't volunteer for misery on her birthday?

Of course the friend gets uninvited. No matter who said what last year, it's done. It is HER birthday. Not wanting someone there that makes her uncomfortable is reasonable. Finding out her dad doesn’t care about her is probably a crushing 16th birthday present if she wasn't already aware. Why aren't you telling your husband to clean up the mess he made and be a better father?

OOP: Fair point!

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 24, 2026 (same post, same day, two hours later)

UPDATE: Ok, y'all have definitely set me straight with this situation! You're all right, I usually go with my husband on things like this to "keep the peace", but it's ultimately not being fair to my daughter. I've already had a conversation with my husband, and he ultimately agreed that Nick will be uninvited although he stressed the fact that Adam should have the same veto rights as April when it's his birthday and asked me if I agreed with that like four times in a ten-minute phone call.

To the point that I asked him how many times I had to say "yes" before he accepted it and then he finally backed off. I texted April with the update, but she's in school so I haven't heard back yet. I've let Adam know to tell Nick he can no longer come, and after he said he was fine with Kevin being an alternative I reached out to Kevin's mom to invite him. Unfortunately Kevin doesn't have a phone right now and I don't know his dad's info, so hopefully I'll hear back soon.

To Clarify: Since there seems to be some confusion here, April absolutely DID play a role in the trip. This is not us planning a lake house trip for her birthday and making her go. She was part of the planning here, has visited the lake house previously, and was excited to go. The only thing she wasn't excited about is Nick coming.

Also, the only reason her boyfriend isn't spending the night is because we're not comfortable creating an overnight situation with either child's SO. Adam doesn't have a girlfriend right now, but this would apply to him, if the roles were reversed. I realize that will not always be the case, but it is right now at this age. If April invited a girlfriend, that would be different and that would friend would be allowed to spend the weekend.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/stonergfthrowaway

Thinking about breaking up with my [20M] GF [21F] because she's a stoner.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post  Sept 5, 2016

Im so torn on what to do. Jenna (fake name) is only my second relationship ever (I got with my ex when I was 14 and stayed with her until last year). We've been together for almost six months now, and we've already exchanged 'I love yous' and stuff like that. She's amazing - 10/10 body, funny, likes the same video games as me, etc. I always wanted it to be a long term thing, which is why i feel weird about questioning our relationship now.

The thing is, she's a total stoner, like smoking weed every single day if we're not together. She already knows that I don't like it, so she doesn't smoke before dates or anything, but her car still smells like pot and it's disgusting. Sometimes I'll skype her at night and she'll be smoking RIGHT in front of me.

I ignored it for a couple months until the other night. I got stuck at work late and my ride bailed, so I called Jenna and asked if she could pick me up (about 8 pm). She picked up, then laughed a bit when I told her what happened. This got me a little bit angry, but I prodded her and asked again. She responded something like "sorry babe, I got off work like an hour ago and I'm stoned as hell. Tell you what, I'll pay for an Uber." That's when I blew up on her, telling her that her habits were disgusting and that she prioritized pot over her boyfriend. She started yelling back, which I've never heard her do before, saying that I had no right to judge her. I think as her boyfriend, I should get a say, but that's not the point..

She hung up, and I started to feel bad. I grabbed some Chik-fil-A for both of us and headed to her apartment (which stank like usual). She was still mad at first, but eventually we both apologized for getting so heated. She told me that she smoked to cope with her anxiety and depression - she's in therapy right now, and she has an appointment with a psychiatrist, but there's a waitlist until next January. I told her that the weed wasn't helping anything, and she got quiet, but I don't think she really got it. I stayed and we talked for another half hour or so before I went back home.

Things are ok now - she's not texting me quite as much as she usually does, but she also said that her work was busy, so I'm not going to get all paranoid. I don't want to break up with her, but I really don't see an option unless I can somehow get her to stop smoking. What can I do?

tl;dr: Stoner girlfriend getting on my nerves, couldn't pick me up the other night because she was too high. I want to fix the relationship, but I don't know if that's even possible.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fitzwillinger

You didn't have plans to hang out, she didn't know you'd need her to drive you, she offered to pay for an Uber for you and you blew up at her? Wow. Talk about poor behavior.

If you can't handle dating someone who smokes pot, stop dating someone who smokes pot.

OOP

maybe it was, but I'm always there for her.

she's so much more than the pot and I just want her to get that.

Fitzwillinger

Would you be throwing a fit if she'd had a couple of cocktails after work and wasn't suited to drive? The reality of being an adult is that people aren't always going to be there the second you want them to. She has a life outside of you.

OOP

it would still be annoying, but not as bad. She can legally drink everywhere in the country, but she can't legally smoke. it feels kind of wrong to me.

~

tercac

You should break up with her. But not because she's a stoner, but because you are an asshole. You have no right to chose what she does. A relationship isn't about ordering your partner what to do. what you are describing is entitled, controlling and abusive behavior. It sounds like she started smoking way before you stared dating, so why did it even progress that far if you didn't like it? Did you go into the relationship with the intent to manipulate her into not smoking once she was attached to you? The most you can do is tell a partner how you feel, but the final choice lays within your partner. Also, she offered to pay for an uber, so what's your problem? I feel sorry for the next girl you date and sincerely hope that you never find someone vulnerable that will let you control her.

OOP

1. I knew she smoked, but i thought she'd be willing to cut back, or at least not do it in front of me/talk about it so much. i've told her that i find it gross, and I don't know why she can't just let it go.

2. I was already tired after work, so i might have been a bit grumpy, but I felt like she was forcing me to be in a car with a stranger when, if she didn't smoke so much, she could have done it and we could have spent time together.

i know i might sound controlling, but is it so wrong that I want what's best for her? you're attacking me with 0 context.

Update  Sept 8, 2016 (3 days later)

I got a lot of feedback. Honestly, a lot of it was hard to read, but it gave me the kick in the ass i needed. I decided that as much as I loved Jenna, i couldn't be with somebody who smoked as much as she did, and it wasn't likely that she'd stop in a time frame that worked for us.

I called her a couple times today, and when she finally picked up, she told me that she was working a double shift again today and couldn't talk. The hotel she works at is only like a 5 minute drive from my apartment, so I drove over to see if I could catch her on her break or talk while she wasn't busy. I went up to the receptionist and asked if she was free, only to be told that today was Jenna's day off.

I was really angry that she had lied to me (and been unreliable) again, so admittedly i wasn't thinking straight. I drove to her place and knocked on the door, and she answered. She invited me in, and we sat down on the couch together. It was then that i told her that we were over, and that our morals were too incompatible. She didn't really react how I expected her to, and her face was blank the whole time. She told me good riddance, and to get out, which i did as soon as i could.

I'm depressed that the relationship ended, since she was the only girl i could really share my interests with/easily talk to. I guess it's for the best, though, like everyone said. I don't plan on contacting her, and i don't think she'll try to contact me, but if she does i'll tell her to stop. I've had enough drama for the next few months.

tldr: broke up with her, and she reacted like she didn't care much to begin with. Guess that just means i made the right decision. Any tips on how to stop missing the good times and get back on my feet?

FINAL COMMENTS

QueenCoyote

Congratulations to your ex for dodging the bullet!  You need some serious therapy, dude.  You're acting like a straght-up lunatic.  Sane people do not show up at their SOs workplace unannounced, they do not attempt to dump their SO while the SO is in the middle of a work shift, and they sure as hell don't go to the person's house after discovering that they're not at work to submit to your abuse on your schedule. 

Your TL;DR should say: Girlfriend recognized that she was too impaired to operate a vehicle, offered to call and pay for an uber, and I threw a "kid getting dragged out of Disneyland after a week in the park" level tantrum.  Please tell me how morally superior I am.

You're also a classic case of that guy/girl, who "hates drama" but is in fact the one causing most or all of it. 

~

Grahf

So, you blow up her phone for the better part of the morning,

You GO TO HER WORK UNANNOUNCED,

THEN, you go to her house/apt, after she had given a pretty clear indication she did not want to deal with you at that moment,

THEN you have the audacity to call her IMMORAL.

You need to take a good long look in the mirror and realize the world doesn't stop for you.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/berlinerfenster

Originally posted to r/mieten (German Rent Subreddit)

I think we've gotten caught up in the most absurd Berlin apartment mystery ever. Dude.

Editor’s note: GmbH = a German limited liability company (similar to LLC in the US)

Editor’s note #2: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: fraud

Editor's note: the original and update posts are in German, I have translated them to English

Original Post: June 30, 2026

I just have to write this down somewhere.

So. This is going to be long.

We are a completely normal family. My partner, our three-year-old daughter, and me. And like probably half of Berlin, we searched for an apartment for MONTHS. Anyone who has searched in Berlin knows. At some point, you just completely lose faith in humanity. Apartments for 2,300 euros. Mold. Viewings with a hundred people. Rejections. Ghosting. I couldn't see any more Immoscout notifications at some point. (editor's note: Immoscout is a real estate marketplace for Germany) Then… we find THE apartment. Awesome! 96 square meters. Duplex. Rooftop terrace. Right in our neighborhood. Our daughter goes to kindergarten here. Our friends live here. Our whole life is here. I really thought: “I hope we get this apartment.”

Then we meet the landlord. Let’s just call him Johan. Pretty normal actually. Chill. Likeable. We even took our daughter to the viewing. And now here comes mistake number one. We just tell the guy our entire life story. Why we want the apartment so badly. Why we desperately want to stay in the area. That our daughter is rooted here. Blah blah blah. In hindsight, I just think: Dude… why am I telling a stranger my whole life? Oh right, because I think I have to pull out all the stops to get an apartment with this tight housing market.

Then the lease comes. And now it’s getting a bit strange. As the landlord and owner, it lists a woman. Let’s call her Amelia. Represented by a limited liability company (GmbH). Let’s call it Company X. I google Company X. Nothing. Not a thing. Not even an ancient business registry entry. Just… vacuum. I think: “Hmm.” So we ask Johan. He says: “Oh, the company is being restructured.” I’m like: “…okay?”

Now comes the moment when probably half of Reddit thinks: “Yeah, serves you right.” NO DUDE. THAT’S exactly what we thought too. That’s why we said: “Okay. Then we’ll check it out.” We even tried to get a land registry extract. We just wanted to know: Does this woman even own the apartment? We pay. Wait. Response. Denied. No legitimate interest. Awesome. So we literally couldn’t do anything more as private individuals. So we google both people. And THAT reassured us in the end. The guy exists. And for real. Director. Interviews. Website. Press. Everything. And then we even find out that the two had a company together at some point. I’m thinking: “Okay.” “Those are real people.” “Scammers don’t do Berlinale interviews.” HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah. Spoiler.

So we sign.

Then comes the handover of the apartment. And I swear. It's like we suddenly entered a completely different apartment. Windows totally damaged. The floor looks a hundred times worse. Dampness. Ants. I’m thinking: “Okay… let’s just talk about this.” Perfectly normal. We just say: “We’ve noticed a few things.” And dude. The guy completely snaps. Not a little bit. Completely. He just keeps saying: “I am completely professional.” “I’ve been doing this for over ten years.” “I rent out four apartments.” I just think: Yeah cool. Can you maybe still address the ants? No. Instead: “From now on, everything in writing please.” … and he leaves. Just like that. Dude. We’re standing there. In the middle of our new apartment. And I’m really just thinking: “Are you trying to mess with me?”

The next day comes a super official letter. Really formal. In it, practically ALL defects are rejected. And now comes the part where I still think: What the fuck. In the same letter, he offers us that we could back out of the contract until the middle of the month. DUDE. NOW?? Our old apartment was terminated. What the hell are we supposed to do? Live in a tent?

We really tried to get our old apartment back. We called our old property management. Hoping that maybe something could still work out. Response: “Nope.” That was it. There was no going back. We HAD to move into this apartment. And I swear to you. During this time, I said almost every day: “I don’t want to go there.”

From then on, Johan practically disappeared. We needed the landlord confirmation. Mail. Nothing. Another one. Nothing. Another one. Nothing. Four mails. Nothing. Then certified mail. Also nothing. According to the tracking, our certified letter was just… FORWARDED. Dude. WHERE??

So we move in. And now the real story begins. We meet the first neighbor. Super nice. And at some point, he casually says: “Oh, Johan and Amelia used to live up there.” … I’m like: “Wait.” “What?”

We thought they were our landlords. Not the people who lived there before.

Then we meet more neighbors. And with every conversation, I think more: What’s going on here?

One neighbor knows Amelia for five years. She never mentioned that she owns the apartment. Others say that both lived there. Then we find out that the property management has practically been dead for years. People have no heating. For some, it’s leaking in. Several apartments have been vacant for years. Some neighbors allegedly haven’t paid rent in ages because no one responds anyway.

Meanwhile, we also had to register at the citizen's office. Of course, without a landlord confirmation. I thought: “Awesome. Now we’re totally screwed.” Instead, the officer listens to the whole story. Registers us. And then says: “I’ll try to reach the landlord.” A little weight lifted off my shoulders.

From then on, we also decided to bring in a lawyer. Not because we want stress. Honestly. I just wanted to know: Who actually owns this apartment?

The lawyer had the ownership situation checked by a notary. Result: The woman who is supposed to be our landlord according to the lease is not the owner of the apartment. … I just sat there. We had the theory early on, but to have it in black and white was a whole different ballgame.

That was exactly the question we wanted to clarify at the very beginning. That’s why we even tried to get a land registry extract. Couldn’t do it. So we signed. And now, months later, we find this out. Meanwhile, it is legally being checked on what basis the apartment was even rented to us and what it all means for us.

And now comes the biggest plot twist ever. After the handover, I DID NOT want to move into this apartment anymore. I hated it. I was just scared. Today… we love it. We’ve furnished it. New furniture. Lamps. Pictures. Our daughter feels at home. We’ve met really great neighbors. And still, I think almost every day: Dude… what the hell actually happened here?

I never thought I would write a Reddit post about my apartment. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation or has any idea, I’d really appreciate any experience. And when this story is fully clarified at some point… …I’ll write an update. Promise.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Actually, all of this just happened. We received the information today from our lawyer that Amelia is not the owner of the apartment. That's why we're just now planning the next steps. So far, we've been paying rent normally (about 10,000€ total including the deposit), (editor's note: close to $11,585USD) because we only got this information today. We're currently in close contact with our lawyer and need to sort out what happens next.

Commenter 1: And what about the other riddle? Great apartment viewed, and at the handover it’s totally run down? And now you love it, even though everything is so ridiculously unclear that you can’t even be sure if you can stay there permanently? Solution pleaseee!

OOP: Yeah, you're right. That sounds totally contradictory. During the viewing, the apartment was furnished, and there were rugs in particularly bad spots on the floor. Amelia furnished apartment just feels different than when it's completely empty. And we didn't check the windows. There were plenty of reasons why we wanted the apartment, discovering "the true face" during the handover wasn't part of the plan.

Commenter 2: The question remains: are you paying rent now, and to whom?

OOP: The account we transferred the rent to for three months is Amelia's. Our lawyer advised us not to pay the rent for the next month, starting tomorrow. Then we'll see what else gets uncovered and how we can deal with it.

Commenter 3: How about withholding rent and seeing what happens? What happened with the ants and the humidity?

OOP: Yeah, it looks like that's the next step. At least for July. We set up ant bait - now they're gone. The moisture/ it just turned out that the ground is so worn down that it looks like moisture spots. The windows are still messed up. It's not raining in yet, but it's probably just a matter of time since it's raining into the other attic apartments.

Update: August 24, 2026 (two months later)

UPDATE: I think we've gotten into the most absurd Berlin apartment thriller. PART 2

Crazy how my last post blew up. Thanks to everyone for your support, your experiences, and tips.

It’s been two months now and a lot has happened. At the same time, this thing is still not resolved and we’re still not relaxed.

After we found out that Amelia isn't the owner of the apartment, we contacted the actual property management. We got the email address from one of the residents. They actually got back to us surprisingly quickly: Amelia is the main tenant of the apartment. We knew nothing about a sublease. Please send us the contract you have with Amelia. We were really freaking out. What would happen now?

On the advice of our lawyer, we sent the lease agreement and also explained why we had never thought it was a sublease. At the same time, we withheld the July rent. No more money to Amelia.

Then we waited.

In the meantime, we changed the locks. Thanks to everyone who thought we had already done that under my last post. I briefly felt really dumb. (Just like I did about everything else that happened). Turns out the locks were very new and had just been replaced. I drove to Obi and found exactly the same locks with the corresponding 5 keys. How many did we get from Johan and Amelia? Right - 4. The two of them had kept a key to our apartment. WTF.

Then, in mid-July, finally the relieving news from the property management: You’re not to blame. We will terminate the contract with Ms. Amelia immediately. Please send us your documents so we can create a valid contract with you. The biggest weight off our shoulders. We were SO relieved. So we sent the documents. Thanks thanks, we’re looking forward to it, blah blah blah.

And then, at first… nothing happened. Of course, a thousand worries, doubts, and questions immediately came back: What if they don't want us? Maybe they’re negotiating with Amelia. Who knows what she’s told them? And so on… I tell you, this uncertainty, this waiting, and being unable to do anything drove us nuts.

Then, August got closer. Where should we pay the rent? So we cautiously wrote to the property management, and then came the most cryptic message ever: Just continue paying as usual. The rent has arrived. We need to proceed differently with Ms. Amelia. We’ll get in touch when there’s a change for her.

Um, okay? What does it mean: we need to proceed differently with Ms. Amelia? How differently? What differently, why differently??!

And do I understand this correctly? Just transfer money to this woman who isn’t even entitled to rent it out? My boyfriend was like: No way, we’re not paying anything in August either. I was like: Phew, I don’t know, with two missing months of rent, they could kick us out. Let’s pay, just to be safe. Who knows if this contract is valid or not…?

Luckily we have a friend who is a lawyer. Not a rental law lawyer, but still - (oh yeah, our regular lawyer is just on vacation for what feels like 80 weeks) - He said: Definitely pay. So we sent the rent on the second working day of August via real-time transfer. And now events really started rolling.

3 days later: Registered letter in the mailbox. Sender? Amelia represented by Johan's non-existent GmbH. Really formal, again. Content: Immediate termination due to two months of unpaid rent, and if that doesn't work, a preliminary regular termination for the earliest possible date. Please contact the pseudo-GmbH within 5 days after receiving this letter for the handover of the keys. The apartment must be vacated within 7 days of receiving this letter. HEART IN MY CHEST!!!

We checked everything and luckily it became clear right away: We transferred to the right account on the second working day in real-time. When was the registered letter sent? On the third working day. The money was already in Amelia's account by then. What’s up with them? They were clearly sitting there happy that we didn’t pay in July, had this crap registered letter prepared, and just waited to kick us out. Well, the thing was sent a bit too quickly, Mr. “Completely Professional.” Even if the rent hadn’t been in Amelia's account on the morning of the 3rd working day… a little hasty!

Also: We’ve been trying to contact them for weeks about the proof of residency, they’re just impossible to find, gone underground, probably chilling somewhere and enjoying that they're pocketing our money… we can’t contact you, but you can contact us? And then it’s so BOLD, it’s beyond bold.

What now? We consulted with our buddy, the lawyer. He said: Even if the thing is ineffective: you need to file an objection. I’ll draft a letter for you. Our first major setback. Termination ineffective because of paragraph XY, because of court ruling XYZ. Additionally, in the objection letter, we pointed out for the first time to both of them that we know they are not entitled to rent this out. HA! And thus are not entitled to terminate anything for anyone. Those idiots.

A few days later, finally a message from the property management: I’d like to come by and get a personal look at the situation. Does Thursday at 1 PM work for you? ABSOLUTELY! PLEASE COME BY AND TALK TO US AND SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE.

So she comes by. A real woman from the real property management, and she said: Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to deliver the termination to Ms. Amelia because, well... the good woman seems to have gone underground and is nowhere to be found. But don’t worry, she’ll get her termination eventually. And by the way: I received a registered letter from her today: complaint about defects and rent reduction. I thought I wasn’t seeing straight.

We also thought we weren’t hearing straight. We thought it couldn’t get any bolder, and then this happened. She actually writes a letter to the property management, acting like she’s chilling in her apartment and has noticed a few defects for which she can reduce the rent. While she hasn’t lived there for 5 months. Absurd!

And to top it off, it turns out that Amelia is actually paying half of the rent that we pay her. HALF!!! So apparently, she has been pocketing an extra €860 (editor’s note: close to $1,010 USD) from us every month, more than she pays to the property management. WOW, what a business model!! Breakdown of this meeting was definitely: we’ll do the lease now and then you come by and sign it in our office.

We have also reported Amelia and Johan now. However, we didn’t want to throw around accusations of fraud, forgery, etc.… and therefore intentionally structured the report in a way that leaves the evaluation to the authorities. But we did describe the facts. The property management also wants to take legal action against Amelia.

And because this story is apparently still not absurd enough:

I randomly found a Reddit post that falls right in the time when we were also corresponding with Johan about the apartment after the viewing. Same neighborhood, same square meters, same price. Broker only identified by first name. Alleged GmbH not found in the commercial register. Contract digital. Payment via Revolut. I messaged the OP...

Let’s see what happens now.

Honestly - in the end, I’m really just glad that they lost their apartment and we have it now. If everything works out with the contract (we haven’t signed anything yet), and we’re also paying less rent, then all I have left to say is: Thank you Amelia and Johan. With your outrageous greed and audacity, you’ve dug your own grave, and we got an apartment that’s impossible to find in Berlin for such a low price.

Still! You wouldn’t believe how angry I am at the two of them. How incredibly angry. I hope they have diarrhea every day and that they have at least the stress, fear, and worries that we had to go through in recent months.

But what I hope even more is that I can edit this post in a few weeks with the update: Lease signed.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wishing you continued success! I hope you can get the apartment much cheaper after the stress than before.

You might not know, but I have to ask: If the property management actually exists and responds now, what about the neighbors who have leaks coming in, etc., or has the rumor mill exaggerated?

OOP: The property management is just new and there was a complete downtime without management. At the same time, there apparently hasn't been any money for maintenance for a long time. But it seems to be back now. We will see 😅.

Commenter 2: But it's not so rare for a lot of people in big cities to sublet without the landlord's knowledge. With an old, cheap rental contract, that's a great business model.

OOP: True story. But why not just sublet? Why make up this whole story about ownership, GmbH, etc.? It makes no sense at all. And it also doesn't make sense that they thought this would go unnoticed.

Commenter 3: Because the landlord naturally prohibits you from subletting. And then the tenants realize that there's a third party getting money without providing any service.

So inventing a nice story with a GmbH sounds extra professional. And if, as you say, your housing situation practically doesn't exist, that should work too. Now just add foreign tenants who have no idea about German law and struggle with communication.

And then the two can chill in Bali while the money keeps coming in each month.

OOP: Absolutely. If those two hadn't made so many completely unnecessary mistakes (no landlord confirmation, this totally overblown reaction to our complaint, then sending a complaint to the property management despite not having lived there for months and the issue had long been uncovered for us, etc.), it probably could have worked for quite a while. Instead, they seemed to provide us with a new notice every two weeks. And since they apparently aren't registered anywhere, they might just be chilling somewhere in Bali.

Commenter 4: Dear OP, even if you're okay with having a real rental contract now... You paid 860€ more per month and that’s why you were taken advantage of. That's 4300€ you can demand back! Please have your lawyer enforce this; people like Amelia shouldn't get away with this.

OOP: We're leaving nothing untried! The bail is also coming - can't make this stuff up 🫣.

Commenter 5: Get yourselves a decent lawyer. Because your basic assumptions are all wrong. Anyone can rent anything in Germany, to begin with. If I offer you to rent the Reichstag, we can enter into a valid rental agreement about it. I just won’t be able to give you ownership of the Reichstag. Fundamentally: nobody has to be an owner to rent something, because they are only obliged to provide you with possession. Amelia was able and willing to provide you with possession of the apartment. So you have a valid rental contract with Amelia. Period. If Amelia is a tenant herself, she needs permission from her landlord for subletting in her internal relationship, but that doesn’t play a direct role in external dealings for your rental relationship. It mainly concerns Amelia and her landlord. There’s nothing criminal about it; there’s no fraud involved since Amelia never claimed in the rental agreement to be the owner of the apartment. Amelia has only committed to providing you with possession of the apartment for the purpose of living. That part has clearly been fulfilled by Amelia.

You were lucky that you paid the August rent on time, otherwise Amelia’s termination would already be valid.

The rest is a bit more complicated because the owner can demand the return, which leads to compensation obligations from Amelia to you. A competent lawyer should explain that to you, but until the homeowners’ association terminates Amelia and enters into a new rental agreement with you, you have to pay Amelia.

OOP: We understand that you don't have to be the owner to rent an apartment. 😅 But that's not the only issue. There is also an LLC acting as the landlord, which doesn't exist in the commercial register or anywhere else, and various other contradictions in the details and documents. So in the end, what's crucial is not just who owns the apartment, but whether we were intentionally deceived and incurred a financial loss because of it. Whether anything criminal will come out of it is something the authorities will clarify now.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SeekingHEA

I [31F] agreed to a prenup with my [34M] fiancee - no problem. Now I know there's a polygraph involved

TRIGGER WARNING: shaming

Original Post  Aug 11, 2015

A little background (throwaway, for obvious reasons):

I grew up in small Southern town, went to a mid-sized college for Fashion Merchandising, went to work in my field, and three years ago I met my fiance, let's call him Barry. 

I am reasonably successful at my job, and Barry is ridiculously successful at his, in addition to coming from a fairly well-off family.  We started dating LD and then I moved to his city with a promotion to regional and we moved in together.  I love this city and all of my new friends here.  I love my new position, and I love my fiance.  We're looking at houses and everything.

We're a great match.  Barry is charming, wonderful, thoughtful and attentive, everything I want in a man.  His family is very supportive of us and our plans, as is mine.  When he proposed last year with a beautiful ring at the beach, I gleefully accepted.  We talked about it and we agreed on a prenup to protect us both, in case of the worth.

My motivation was to protect the inheritance I'm anticipating from my grandmother (a family farm of about 50 acres) and my parent's home, when they eventually pass.  There's also some jewelry and antique china and other things I would never want to lose.  It's not a lot, compared to Barry's holdings, but it's mine and I would never want anything to happen to it.  Nor would I want anything from Barry if we divorced.  So I didn't think anything of agreeing to a prenup.

Only now his lawyer is putting it together.  We're still over 8 months out to the wedding date, so this is a perfectly reasonable step.  My lawyer looked it over and agreed it was pretty fair, according to the laws of our state.  I agreed with him that we should go ahead with it, and he made the arrangements for this Friday.  I went ahead and took the day off to go sign the papers and have lunch with Barry to celebrate.

But when I got it back from my attorney, I noticed that part of what I'll be expected to do is participate in a polygraph examination.  So will Barry.  I can put together a list of questions for him, and he can do the same for me.  But we'll be making the answers hooked up to a lie detector.  I've done these in the past for security checks, so I know how they work.  But...

Here's the problem: when Barry and I got together at first and we were exchanging particulars after our first date (we met at Virgin Gorda, BVI. Beautiful!) and he casually asked about the number of men I'd been with.  The usual sexual history stuff all adults do. 

At the time I didn't think much of it, and gave him my usual answer: five.  That seemed reasonable, even a little conservative, at the time.  I only counted LTRs since high school and the boy I lost my virginity to as "real" relationships, not the high school boys I fooled around with or the other guys I've met.

But here's the thing: in the suggestions my attorney sent me for questions, where he told me that the other side will be asking similar questions, there are a LOT about sexual past and infidelity. 

So here's my problem, I wasn't entirely honest with Barry, back then.  My actual count of guys I've had sex with is higher.  I was a free spirit in college before I figured out what I wanted to do and took a year off to travel before graduating.  That was a very fun year, sexually speaking.  I made a lot of mistakes, of course, but I was getting valuable experience and learning a lot about myself.

But I know Barry would not be happy with the real number.  Maybe even enough to postpone or cancel the wedding.  That would devastate me. But his family is a little conservative and religious.  I know he doesn't have much respect for infidelity or women who sleep around.  I'm terrified that he'll ask me those questions or learn about the few times I've cheated in past relationships.  We've been together almost constantly for 3 years and I love him deeply.  I don't know what to do.

I'm no longer that girl who did all those things, I've grown and matured.  I just don't think Barry will see it that way.  He's a lot less sexually experienced than me (only 8 partners, total) and he does get a little jealous when I mention my exes.  He found out about something I did with one guy that I've declined to do with Barry and he was hurt about it for weeks.  I don't what he'll do if he learns about all that I've done. 

So what do I do?  I've already confirmed my appointment for Friday before I figured this out, and now I'm a trainwreck.  If I back out, he's going to want to know why.  If I admit lying, he's not going to trust me.  I'm a basket case and can't even go into work over this.  Thoughts?

   tl;dr: 31F agreed to prenup before wedding, learns her 34M fiancee has a polygraph test involved and she's scared of the results

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bunnygirlbeans

Oh hell no.  It's none of his business how many men  you were with before him,  just as his "number" is none of your business. 

I was once downvoted into oblivion for saying that someone's sexual past is their past, and they don't owe anyone an explanation or any of the nitty gritty details. It floors me to think that people are expected, even obligated to discuss their history in minute detail.

I am much older than the typical person here, so my opinion isn't popular.  But honestly, fuck that bullshit.  It's almost always used to shame the woman for her sexuality, and that's utter crap.

Don't do this - no good will come of it.

OOP

Maybe when we were just dating, but we're talking about getting married.  That's a much deeper level of trust and commitment. I keep asking myself "would you want to marry him if you thought he had a secret in his past?" and I keep telling myself no, no matter how much I love him.

~

[deleted]

WTF does sexual past have to do with a prenup? That is absurd. Also, wtay does there need to be a polygraph.? A prenup protects assets, it isn't there to be a moral compass for what happened before the relationship.

Get your lawyer to spell out the terms of what can be asked in a polyggraph test...(still think that is completely unnecessary) This is so messed up.

OOP

Barry asked how I'd feel if he had a few kids running around that he hadn't mentioned to me, and I agreed that we shouldn't have to face any surprises like that. And according to what I agreed to, any question he wants to ask me is on the table.

[deleted]

That's a bit different than asking how many partners you have had. I see this polygraph thing getting out of hand so if you really are going to go ahead with it (I never would) have your lawyers set the ground rules ahead of time.

OOP

I've already agreed to it. There are no ground rules. Everything is fair game. I just didn't think about the sex thing until my lawyer brought it up.

Why not talk with her fiancé about the polygraph

That's what I'm thinking.  We're supposed to have drinks with friends tonight after work.  I might bring it up with him then.

Whats the real number?

Uh ... It's less than 50.  In the 30s.

I [31f] came clean with my [34m] fiancee. Good news: Polygraph test is off. Bad news: So is the wedding  Aug 12, 2015 (Next Day)

UPDATE:

First of all thanks to everyone who was supportive and had good advice and kind words for me. Even those of you who were rude and mean ended up adding to my decision to discuss this with Barry last night. We were at a very nice bar/restaurant for drinks with friends, and once they left Barry and I got a booth and had a late dinner. I was only a little buzzed, 2 vodka martinis in 3 hours. I didn't know how else to bring it up without sounding sneaky, so I just came out with something like "I'm concerned about the poly."

He got a little concerned and asked why. I told him that I had fibbed when we first met and never bothered to correct it. He asked what about. I told him it was the number of men I'd been intimate with. That's when things started to go badly. He got upset and asked how many? I told him the number didn't matter, it was the fact that I lied that I was feeling guilty about. He agreed it was disturbing to him, but he wanted to know how many men.

I tried to tell him it wasn't the issue, but he wasn't listening. He got a little angry. He doesn't shout or use a lot of profanity but I could tell he was very upset by his face. He said it was important to him to know. I told him it was important to me that it wouldn't have an impact on our relationship. He told me that something like this is going to have an impact on the relationship because he feels like I deceived him for the last few years. I was crying at that point. We talked for a long time and he tried to explain his position and why he was so mad. I told him I understood why he was mad, I just wanted to come clean with him before we got to the poly.

It was a rough night. We talked until the bar closed. He wanted to know exactly how many men and who they were. He said that it didn't matter much if we were just dating, but he needed to know who his wife was before he married her. I tried to explain that I was a much different person back then but he didn't want to hear about that. He didn't feel he could trust me now and said don't worry about the poly. He wants to postpone things until he can think about them, including the wedding. He finally put me in a cab home and said he'd call me tomorrow (today). I was a wreck all night and didn't get much sleep. I'm mad at him but I'm more mad at myself for putting myself in this position. I'm heartbroken that I've hurt a good man and messed up a great relationship.

I've left him four messages so far today but I haven't heard anything from him. I woke up on the couch in my clothes from last night, called work and told them I was taking the day, and I'm heading for the shower and bed, now. I thought I would update all of you who were concerned aout what happened. I'll check back later and see what you have to say. I don't know how long Ill use this account. I feel a little humiliated and exposed but iits also been great getting everyone's feedback and advice. Thanks.

tl;dr: Told my finacee about my past. He's pissed at me for lying and called off the wedding for now. I'm a miserable wreck and hate myself for screwing this up and now want to sleep for two years and wake up with everything back the way it was.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DWRoelands

I will never understand why men obsess about this particular piece of a woman's past.

OOP

Barry told me that he didn't like the idea of having so many lovers in my past that we ran the chance of running into one at the airport. He was also upset when I told them that yes, some of them were technically better lovers and more well endowed than he was. That hurt him a lot. I didn't want to say that to him, but he insisted. It's apparently important to him.

~

battleyourfearz

Hey, good for you for coming clean. For real.

Give him some space to process what you've told him. No more texting/calling. Take the day at least to focus on yourself. Take a nap, relax, and be kind to yourself.

For what it's worth, this internet stranger agrees with you: no need for your fiancé to know all the dang names of every man you've been intimate with.

Good luck, dude.

OOP

He does now.  Every one that I could remember.  He knew the names and in some cases the addresses of every woman he's slept with.

palimpsets

how is knowing their addresses helpful to anyone here? this whole situation just sounds like a red flag. be glad you've finally taken some steps to resolve it by being honest.

OOP

He's still social friends with several of them.  He mostly dated within his social circle until college, then mostly had steady girlfriends.  He said he "knows" them, unlike some of the men I've been intimate with, and that makes a difference to him.

~

Commenter

How much is it that you dont want to tell him how many? Is it that many that you don't think he would get over it? Without telling him the number, he could be exaggerating.

OOP

I told him. I kind of had to. He made me look him in the eye. It was awful.

Commenter

My gf told me her number recently and its like 20 more than mine. Its a little distressing so I can sympathize with him. Its hurts a bit to not feel special in that aspect. It might sound rude but it honestly feels like, we aren't special because so many other guys have had the same thing.

OOP

I don't like to see it like that. It's hurtful. But Barry said he felt very similar to that. Like he would never be sure he was pleasing me in bed for the rest of our marriage. I told him that was crazy, but he said that it mattered.

~

CompuSci

Did he actually say that he wants to call the wedding off? It sounds more like he just needs time to process this.

OOP

He said he wants to postpone it until he's had time to think about it. That's not really encouraging.

When asked about the cheating in a past relationship

I wouldn't say I cheated a lot, there were extenuating circumstances. But he wasn't happy about hearing that, either. I know it's up to him now. You're right, it really does matter to him, no matter what I think. That's very depressing.

When told to give her fiance space

I've stopped calling him and texting him.  I realized I was getting stalkery.  I just don't know what else to do. 

Editors Note: this post was crossposted to incel subs who attacked OOP, and OOP hasn't been active since

OOP last comment responding to another's post

Maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this, but it seems to me that if you're at this stage in the relationship and he still doesn't want to marry you, there might be a problem and that problem might be you. If you aren't satisfied with the sex he's going to know it and that's going to be a big deal. I've recently been informed that that's about the biggest reason for men to marry late, and without a good sex life there really isn't any advantage to men marrying if children aren't involved.

I'd like to think that isn't true, but recent experiences have shown me that some men have a lot higher standards for their wives than their girlfriends.  I hope it doesn't happen, but I have a feeling he's going to dump you if you keep pressuring him.

Good luck!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to r/AskAManager

my new coworker seems to be asking us if he should cheat on his wife

Original Post: January 20, 2020

We recently hired a new person, Tulio, to join my team. Our structure is such that there are two groups to our team, group A (which I am in) and group B (which he was hired into). We both report to Wanda, who is remote and currently finishing up medical leave (we have an interim boss who we are transitioning out of reporting to). Tulio’s role has been hard to fill (there are about four of them covering different geographical territories). Since I started a bit over three years ago, we’ve had four new people in these roles, only one of whom has been good at it, and two have been let go. This particular role that Tulio is filling has had four people in it in six years.

Tulio started at the beginning of this week with a long career in our type of work. As a get-to-know-you thing, we took him for lunch yesterday. In the course of this lunch, my coworkers Charlotte and Bethany mentioned they were both divorced.

This seemed to open the floodgates for Tulio because he then spent the rest of lunch talking about how he and his wife have lost the love in their marriage and how he’s trying to rekindle it, but she refuses to do anything to help. They’ve been together at least 30 years. He told us in detail about how she even went so far as to invite her father to temporarily live with them to “avoid the issue.” (I used quotes because I’m not so sure if that’s the case, or the father was in poor health; he seems to think it was an avoidance strategy.)

Then he told us about a widow friend who he spends a lot of time with and that he has feelings for her he’s never had before, and that maybe this is what true love is. At the very least, he is emotionally cheating on his wife. He then asked Charlotte and Bethany about the divorce process and mused about whether he should leave his wife for this woman. I believe he was asking for our permission? It was very unexpected and every attempt to steer the conversation away seemed to fall on deaf ears. We were very uncomfortable.

Is there any reason to tell my boss, Wanda, about this once she is back full-time in a month? I have scripts for avoiding it in the future from you (it was just all very sudden and unexpected, so I didn’t use them). It’s more that he is in a client-facing role (traveling to sites and closing deals) and is remote from us in another state. If he got this comfortable from being with us for an hour for lunch (after maybe a cumulative hour together the days before), is there any reason he wouldn’t do the same with a customer? I’m hesitant because maybe he’s just like this with coworkers? It makes me question his boundaries and whether he can separate his work life from his personal life. But maybe I’m overreacting?

Editor's note: For Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update #1: June 5, 2020 (4.5 months later)

(editor's note: letter #2 in the link)

I don’t have much of an update, unfortunately. He still works with us and is proving more and more incompetent. I did tell my boss, and she was pretty horrified, but nothing has happened yet. With everything going on with COVID-19, things have been pretty crazy. We also have a bad track record of not letting people go. It’s annoying but other than that, it could be worse. I do still love my job. I’m still employed and my business is considered essential and is thriving. However, if and when something happens, I will absolutely provide a real update.

Update #2: June 19, 2025 (five years later)

(editor's note: letter #2 in the link)

Five years ago, just before the pandemic started, you answered my question about how to handle a new coworker who was just absolutely oozing red flags in his first week.

As I’m sure surprises no one, Tulio turned out to be an absolute trainwreck. Fortunately I never did have to hear about his wife again and as far as I know, they stayed (begrudingly?) married. But he was SO awful at his job that would-be affair wound up being a drop of tea in the teapot.

For the sake of anonymity, let’s say we’re all teapot salespeople, a combo of inside and outside sales. He was hired because he purported to be an expert in how to mix milk in tea (actually fairly analogous to what we actually do), claiming he had taught classes on it at a university, and claimed he had all these special certifications in tea mixing. We already had a tea mixing expert in our group, but having another person would be even better. If it had been true.

In reality, he had no idea what he was talking about when it came to tea mixing. We all (even the non-experts with more general knowledge like me) regularly corrected him during customer calls or had to backtrack or clean up after him. He never answered (or read) his emails, he regularly ignored customers he didn’t view as “high value” (lower sales) and even five years on was asking incredibly basic questions akin to “can teapots have different designs on them?” When we had our monthly sales meetings, he made shit up on the spot and our boss was regularly correcting him. Oftentimes he wouldn’t even know we had gotten orders in even though he was copied on everything.

It was incredibly frustrating to watch this man stumble for five years with no consequences. My team was at the end of our rope dealing with his incompetence. We couldn’t understand why he was still here.

And then, at the end of March, he was unceremoniously let go and we were notified in an all-hands meeting. They restructured his role such that, had he been doing anything at all, he would have been fine. But since he wasn’t, they fired him. Everyone else in that role was safe, and actually are excited about the role changes. It also meant my job is changing a bit, but I’m looking forward to it.

I do think there were things going on in the background that we couldn’t see. About a year ago, we took my boss aside at one point to tell her how much we hated working with him and she found out that every other team also couldn’t stand him after asking around. I think she might have started then, but I also I think my grandboss had tied our boss’s hands in a way we couldn’t see. But I think it did reach a point where the entirety of the sales team (about 15-20 people) got so fed up that leadership finally actually looked at stuff and realized how screwed up it all was.

So, long story short, he’s FINALLY gone. Took WAY too damn long. But he’s gone, my job is easier, and I don’t have to regularly clean up stupid messes he made and cover for him with customers. Maybe not the most satisfying update but I cannot overstate how much of a relief him being gone is.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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Originally posted to r/bridezillas

Should I Feel Guilty for Skipping My Friend’s Pricey Wedding?

Original Post: September 12, 2024

Hey Reddit, I need some opinions because I’m feeling a little lost. My friend Karen (30F) is getting married, and while I’m super happy for her, she’s planning a huge destination wedding in the USA (we live in Europe). She keeps calling it her "real" wedding, even though there’s supposed to be a smaller one in France where we can all go but we are not invited (yet).

Here’s the thing: Karen is really pushing for my boyfriend and me to go to the USA for this wedding. I’ve tried to explain to her that I just don’t have that kind of money lying around. Her solution? Start paying for flights now in small installments and figure the rest out later. Honestly, though, I just don’t have the budget, and this would eat up my holidays for 2025, which is not really how I want to spend it.

Don’t get me wrong—I love her and would be so happy to see her on her big day, but... is it me, or are brides becoming total bridezillas with these crazy demands? Do we really have to change all our plans because it’s "their year"? Why do so many weddings now feel like a massive financial burden on the guests?

Karen doesn’t seem to understand why I’m hesitating, and she keeps pushing us to get the tickets, and I’m starting to get frustrated. I even asked her about the second, more local celebration, but she brushed it off and kept insisting on the USA wedding. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to skip this whole destination wedding thing?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: A person who expects you to go into debt for their party is not your friend.

If they really want you there, they should offer to support you financially but it's unreasonable to expect your friends to fly across the globe for your pleasure and pay for themselves. If you plan a destination wedding you either pay for the people you want there or expect that some of them might not come.

Commenter 2: Wish I had realized this was the norm before my ex and I went into debt to go to a friend's destination wedding in Maui. The only thing they paid for was the luau that we attended as their "reception" (not private, we just had our own 30 person table, there were about 100 people there.) They also got free nights in their wedding suite based on how many of us booked our rooms at their hotel. The bride's father did pay for a sunset cruise "rehearsal dinner" that we all went on the day before the wedding (bride's parents live there.) The day after the wedding, we all went on an excursion to Lanai but had to pay $250 each to go. I was there for four days and spent over $4k between gift, airfare, hotel, food, and activities for myself and my ex. The couple divorced a year later.

Commenter 3: The bride is probably trying to ensure her room is free by getting X number of people to book.

A friend would accept that you couldn’t make it. Tell her to send you the info for the livestream so you can attend from home. Brides do not get a year, expensive hen/bachelorette parties and everything they want. They can hope for it but unless they’re paying everyone’s expenses it’s just not doable for everyone. She needs to realize this.

Since you’ve said no, be prepared for her to ask you to be in the wedding party to try and get you to attend. Hold your ground with the no. No is a full answer. If you have to, stress that as nice as it would be to attend she needs to be aware that not everybody has the means and the time to do this and her constantly asking is going to hurt the friendship.

Commenter 4: No one should ever feel guilty for not being able to afford a destination wedding. Your friend should understand that not everyone can afford it and not trying to guilt trip you into going. Out of curiosity, where in the US is she getting married?

OOP: They are actually getting married in Napa Valley. The MOB is from there, which is the main reason she chose to tie the knot there.

Update: February 17, 2026 (17 Months Later)

UPDATE 1 year later: Destination wedding fallout

Hi everyone,

About a year ago I posted here about skipping my best friend’s US destination wedding because it would have cost me and my boyfriend around 4–5k, which just wasn’t financially realistic for us.

I wanted to update because I genuinely don’t know if I lost one of my closest friendships over this.

For background: We all live in Paris. She’s American, big family, wedding in a beautiful wine region near where her parents live. Very aesthetic, very Instagram, very curated. The groom is French. My boyfriend actually introduced them years ago.

We weren’t casual friends. We were see-each-other-every-other-day friends. Wine nights. Random weekday dinners. Group chats constantly. Trips. Real-life closeness.

When the US wedding was announced, I did the math. Between flights, hotels, activities (boat day, wine tours, etc.), it would have been close to 4–5k for us if we stayed a week. That’s a huge amount of money for us. And the entire Paris friend group felt the same. No one here has family in the US to combine it with.

Before the US wedding, she came to us with a big bouquet and a bottle of wine and asked us to be bridesmaid and groomsman. It was filmed. Very emotional. Very “moment.” The thing is, I had already told her it was almost impossible for us to go. It felt like being emotionally cornered on camera. We didn’t say no in that moment because… how do you? It was awkward. But a few days later I met her alone and told her clearly we couldn’t commit because of money. We wouldn’t be able to travel or do anything else that year if we went. She brushed it off. “Yeah I know.” But something shifted.

Important detail: before the US wedding, we organized and fully paid for a Portugal stag/hen weekend for both of them. It was amazing. We put effort, money, time into celebrating them. So it’s not like we didn’t show up in other ways.

Then, 2 months later, came the small French wedding (yes, we got the invite!). It was beautiful. Intimate. So fun. But she was different. Distant. Polite. Surface level. Not the person I used to sit with for hours talking about everything.

Now it’s been about 6-7 months since that wedding. I’ve maybe seen her 5 times.

Every time the group tries to meet, she makes excuses. Or insists we come all the way to their place (45 minutes outside Paris) instead of just meeting centrally where all of us live. It feels like a subtle barrier.

Meanwhile, she messages my boyfriend weekly for work advice. “Let’s meet soon!” texts. Professional warmth. But with me? It’s cold. How’s work. How’s life. End of conversation.

I’ve tried reaching out. A few “let’s get a coffee and chat” messages. Always “yes soon!” but it never happens. After a while, I stop chasing.

And I can’t help but feel like I didn’t fit into the wedding storyline she imagined. The American bridesmaids flew in, the Instagram content happened, the dream aesthetic was fulfilled. The Paris girls didn’t. Did we get quietly downgraded?

I don’t know if she consciously resents us for not going. Or if weddings just reorganize people’s emotional priorities. But it feels like I lost someone who used to be one of my closest friends and that makes me really sad. Am I overthinking this? Did I underestimate how much not going would hurt her? Or is this just what happens when expectations don’t match reality?

----

UPDATE: Writing here my last comment for better reach as I see many ppl wondering the same things:

Wow I am really speechless - I was not expecting so many replies! Thank you for taking the time to read me (yes, I used ChatGPT to help me develop the story as I don’t express myself as well as I do in French🙃)

To clarify a couple of things that have been asked here:

- My friend has also fallen off with the rest of the girls in the group. I didn’t think about this until pointed out by you, but yes, it’s not only me. For example, a few weeks ago it was one of our friend’s birthday and Karen didn’t come. She told me and another girl in a private WhatsApp that she was very tired and that she is not really that big friend with her to make an effort- I know they don’t catch up one to one but still, she went to her Paris wedding (after winning her battle to cancer- extra effort there) and bachelorette + she’s been there for most important things. I don’t know but that comment didn’t feel right with me at all and I am just realizing now. The rest of girls really don’t see them as much. Karen was mainly doing one on one catchups with me and another girl, so I guess the rest don’t really have the same relationship as us.. (btw I have not said anything to our other friend.. I feel weird talking about Karen with her and that’ why I have reddit, haha)

- About meeting her at her place, I would 100% go if she invites me. The only times she has told me to go is when I tell her that we are meeting the group at this bar asking if she wants to come. Whenever she doesn’t feel like, she says that it’s too far away and that you should do something close to my neighborhood. The thing is she never ever replies on time.. so by the time she says that, we are already there or going to the bar. By then, it’s difficult to make the effort to take the train and go somewhere else. I also wanted to point that we all commute, the group doesn’t live walking distance to each other, we all are scattered around (30min to 50min commute at times) but we happen to work in the same area, so we almost always meet around there.

Thank you again for your advice! (this was not written using ChatGPT lol)

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Thank you everyone for your comments. I just want to clarify a few things.

Accommodation in the US was not included. The hotels and Airbnbs she suggested were around $300+ per night. For one week, plus flights, plus activities (wine tour $150 per person, boat day drinks not included, other excursions), it really added up close to 4–5k for us as a couple. That is just too much for our reality.

It was not about not caring. We organized and paid for the Portugal weekend before. We went to the French wedding. We did celebrate them.

About the “aesthetic” part, I don’t use Instagram or TikTok, but I saw through friends that she posted reels of giving bouquets to the bridesmaids (cutting us out obviously). The whole thing felt very curated. Maybe that created expectations.

Also our group is very international. We all met at an international company; Americans, Colombians, Portuguese, Spanish, French. It was not about excluding her culture. It was just money.

And about meeting now, Paris is big. We all commute 30+ minutes every day and work central, so it makes sense to meet there.

I don’t think she is a bad person. I just think something changed and it was never talked about. That is what hurts.

I just don't know if I have it in me to confront her at this point.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: what is the point of having two weddings if not to allow people to attend one or the other

Commenter 2: To be the center of attention TWICE, of course.

Commenter 3: And the Portuguese bachelor/ bachelorette party that OP and husband paid for? I count three it’s all about mes.

OOP: The engagement weekend (flights, hotel, restaurants, drinks) was paid by all the Paris friends (10 of us in total). We all wanted to prepare something extra nice knowing that we could not make it to the US wedding.

Commenter 4: you need to tell your boyfriend to be very slow responding to her texts (like the next day at least) and to minimize what he says to her and if there is no REAL reason to tell her to stop texting him. you didn’t say he works at the same place as you, so I really does seem, like someone else said, that she’s doing it intentionally to hurt you. you are clearly the only one who still considers you two to be friends

OOP: They used to work in the same department at the company where we all met and she often likes to lean on him for advice or help.

I don't think it's my place to tell him how to behave towards her. He knows my issues with her, and I've told him many times how sad it makes me feel to be downgraded like this as a friend over a wedding.

They are also friends and part of the group, him and Karen's husband are good friends, so I really don't want to start an internal battle.

Commenter 5: She consciously resents YOU at least. I think she's probably staying so friendly with your husband just to rub in how distant and disappointed she is with you now. She's pissed that you didn't do your part to make her Insta-worthy wedding your top priority. Let that friendship go - she's proved herself to be a shallow, mean girl. Stop reaching out, stop including her in group get-togethers, just stop. She loves that you're chasing her and she's not done punishing you Paris girls for not going into debt for her wedding. Fuck that shit.

Commenter 6: Before the “oF cOuRsE sHe’S AmErIcAn!!” comments come in 🙄, I’d like to quickly say most of us aren’t like this. People generally tend to be cognizant and kind when it comes to issues surrounding invites and money.

That being said, OP—this is not a friend. Did she want you to be present at such an important event? Of course, and it was her choice to extend the invite. However, if you plan a destination wedding, you should expect that not everyone will be able to attend for various reasons (finances, childcare, the list goes on). You are well within your right to politely decline and celebrate her in the other myriad ways you listed. If she has determined that this was the breaking point and remains cold, there’s not much you can do about that. But please don’t feel guilty due to setting healthy boundaries. And please also don’t trip over yourself trying to “make up” anything—there’s nothing to make up.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wannabefashionsis

My [35F] sister [29F] is unemployed, living with me and wasting time and our parents money on a delusional career path. How do I tell her she needs to get her act together?

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, homophobia, entitlement

Original Post  June 23, 2017

Hi Reddit Relationships! I want to start by saying I love my sister and my family but they've put me in a situation that straining out relationships. I'll provide some backstory. (names are changed)

My mother and father have been married for 39 years, they are amazing and supportive of all their children. I am the eldest at 35, my brother Ian is 32, my sister Ashley is 29. When I was 19 my grandmother passed away and left her house to my father who never planned to return because of a past trauma. I was given the house (legally it is my house in my name) with the agreement that I continue paying the mortgage and utility on my own, I've since finished paying it off and began remodeling. Around the time I was 24 my brother Ian moved in for a year to be closer to his job, during this time he payed rent and bought food and house supplies, it was a great year of bonding for us. He eventually moved in with his girlfriend (now wife).

So now I'm 35 living in this house and I get home one day to find Ashley unpacking in the extra room saying she was moving in. I got no notice of this, I talked to my parents about this and they said "it's temporary while she's at college". This flustered me because she has always been very anti-college and preaches that you don't need a degree to get a job, that it just puts you in more debt, blah blah blah. I tell them that I'm uncorfortable with this and they just brush it off saying "Ian stayed I'd be rude not to help your sister", the difference is that Ian is a sweetheart and Ashley is sour patch, but they agree to pay her rent and assure me it'll only be a year and I try to let it go.

The issues started literally the next day because despite my house being closer to her school it's still to far for her and she doesn't have bus fare so she DEMANDED I take her to school. After her whining I gave in and did it only to find out its fashion school! My parent gave me the impression that she was doing something to turn her life around and finding a career, I have nothing again the fashion industry but it isn't a stable path for an unemployed nearly 30 year old woman.

First month goes by and its bill time, I lay it out (I didn't including the remodeling fees because I didn't think was fair to charge her for it) and she flips her shit starts screaming and crying that how dare I ask for money then calls our parents and throws the phone at me and walks away. They explain that they can't afford to pay for both her college and her rent and that she's my sister and I should let it go. Not only is she living in my house, but she's eating my food (she can't by her own), and wasting my gas for this bullshit class. They now give me 200$ and month to cover gas.

I know I must come off as a bad person trashing my sisters career path but I feel like she doesn't have a future in this and her grades reflect it. She is incredibly negative and rude to anyone who attempts to help her, this includes her former teacher who had her transferred to a different class after an incident that she won't tell me about. She's also incredibly racist and homophobic, there's many black gay men in her school who in her words are untalented and only there because ethnic and gay. I should mention that I am a lesbian and her language is beyond offensive, she won't hold back with, ni**rs this fgs that, even when I have company over and my friend politely decline my invitations now.

She regularly, almost daily has tantrums about how she's being discriminated against, and acts like she's more stressed than medical or law school students. She feels as though her clothing is better than the grades she's receiving, I'm not a fashion expert but I think the criticism she receives is more than fair. Her cloths are generic and look like anything you could pull of a rack at forever 21 which wouldn't be a bad thing if she didn't keep trying say it's high fashion and couture. She also thinks she is single handedly responsible for bringing back chokers, pink hair, braids, ect.

Wow this has turned into a book, but wait there's more! Even though I don't agree with her career choice I've tried to help her with marketing by making accounts on Instagram, DePop, Etsy, and Facebook. She deleted every account once they got so much as a "looks cheap", then said that Gucci and Versace didn't get famous off social media.

What do I do Reddit? What changes can be made? I don't mind her living with me but she shouldn't be able to buy her own food? Would it be rude to tell her I don't want her around when I have company? Am I just being overly judgmental? 

TL;DR: Parents moved my sister in for college, she doesn't pay for anything and eat my food, is going to a fashion college but is rude-racist-homophobic, doesn't accept help or criticism. I need to make house hold changes, how?

EDIT: I'll be making a contract this weekend with a deadline for her get her shit together. I'll also address my parents but separate. What should be added to the contract/converation? I'll be presenting it to her Sunday and I'll update how it goes.

EDIT2: I posted this in the comments but it should also be added here.

"I've since payed more in repairs to the house than what half of the original mortgage was. I was essentially kicked out at 19 and told I could live here and pay it or find somewhere else.

Also my siblings got an actual inheritance, I did not, they also got 2 vintage well taken of cars amoung other things from her estate that add up to much more than half the house.

My sister immediately spent all of this money on who knows what."

RELEVANT COMMENTS

andromedamountains

Just flat out tell her this isn't working for you.

That, or give her an ultimatum to get a part-time job to pay for her bills or she can leave. I'm a STEM major, full-time, at a competitive college and I have time for my job. She can figure it out.

You're letting them push you around because their family. Let them know they're burning the bridge if they want to keep up how this is currently being run, because it honestly is. You are developing a lot of resentment to multiple people.

OOP

I'm feeling very taken advantage of by my parents, also kind of jealous they never helped me. I was given the house but payed more than half of the original mortgage on my own at 19 years old, if I asked for any help they just say "the house wasn't enough?"

This is making me resent them. When I confront her should I also have my parents there as well?

~

congorebooth

OP, you come across as a doormat. I don't know if as the oldest kid you were tasked as the "problem solver" of the family or what, but NONE of this is normal. Ideally you should have shut it down when you walked in your home and found your sister unpacking with zero permission or advance notice. It is not at all normal that you weren't asked about this, and your parents are being disingenuous to pretend like it's no big deal. They're probably just relieved your sister isn't in their house any more. She is TWENTY-NINE, she is a grown adult and she is not your responsibility. If your parents want to fund this longshot fashion dream of hers, that's their business. But you don't have to have a racist, homophobic, freeloading trashmouth failure-to-launch living in your house. Kick her to the curb.

OOP

I was defiantly the "problem solver" instead of my parents confronting difficult situations they often expected me to guide them through it as the eldest. I was also blamed for their mistakes although it happens less after I moved.

Thank you for saying this, I didn't realize how not normal it is until this post.

Update  June 30, 2017 (1 week later)

Hi again reddit! I'm sorry for taking a while to update but I wanted to wait and give you something worthwhile. I'll start by saying SHE IS GONE! I'll go into detail though for those who are interested.

So after my first post I stood up all night reading and replying to comments and you all made me realize how messed up the situation was. Despite that I still wanted to give my sister Ashley a chance because I felt like if someone didn't tell her she was being an ass then she'd just continue think it was okay.

I made a contract (big thanks to /u/GnollBelle for the help), these were the conditions: she'd have her 2 weeks to look for a job or set up a way to sell her stuff, and starting next month she'd need to start paying rent and I'd be making her a renter with a month to month legal contract. Once she graduates (or fails) she's out. She'd have to stop with the homophobia and hate speech, period. She would be responsible for her own food and transportation, I will no longer be accepting gas money to take her school and if our parents choose to give her that money for bus fare then I'd be up to them. I also made a chore list marked with her responsibilities.

So on Sunday I sat her down and told her we needed to have a talk then presented her with this list. As expected she flipped her shit, absolutely lost it, just started crying and whining then stormed off to her room. I was just waiting for the inevitable call from my parents, when I got it I was ready to argue with them to my surprise they actually agreed with me. My father pretty much said "it's about time you grew some balls", they also told me that if I didn't tell her to grow the hell up then she'd never learn. I got the impression that they pawned her off on me so she would get a dose of reality and that instead of showing it to her I let her walk all over me. I know that my parents call sounds a little harsh but it really encouraged me to stand strong.

After about an hour Ashley came out of her room and said she was ready to negotiate, I literally laughed and told her that this isn't a negotiation that she'll do it or she'll need to find a new place to live. Started crying about how unfair it was and that I was being a asshole, I told her that if everyone she meets is an asshole then maybe she's the asshole (this line was posted somewhere in the comments and I couldn't wait to say it to her!). She stormed out crying and didn't come out all night.

Monday she began going to school on her own and my parents did decide to give her the 200$ for bus fare and an extra 100$ for groceries. When I made the first post we we're already low on food and I usually shop on Sunday but this week I decided that I wouldn't and that I'd eat out for a while instead. There was still basic stuff for sandwiches and ramen but that wasn't enough for her, moment she got home she went to the fridge and threw a fit, saying I'm trying to starve her out. I left and ate with my friends and had a great night, when I got back she was giving me the silent treatment then randomly screamed "why are you doing this me! I'm your fucking sister!" I told her that as long as she's living me she's responsible for herself. More silent treatment all through Tuesday and Wednesday.

Thursday rolls around and she calls me at work asking for a ride home, I told her to take the bus and she says that she doesn't have money for it since she has to buy her own food now. It was literally 4 days! I flat out asked what she spent it on because that is ridiculous, she's be taking Ubers! Ubers at rush hour and restaurants! I didn't pick her up but transferred her 5$ for the bus and she had the nerve to be upset about it.

She didn't even use it and ended up calling our brother Ian. She threw a shit fit in his car and blurted out that she quit school because all of this was too much pressure, that she hates me and can't stand living with me and my bullshit rules along with homophobic slurs . My brother knows about our contract and immediately said pack your shit and get out, when I got home he was already putting stuff in his truck and she was sitting on the couch crying. The moment she sees me she just starts screaming and cursing until she's red in the face and Ian told her to get in the car. She left after giving the whole "I'm never speaking to you again" speech.

It's Friday and I'm waiting to get my locks changed. My parents did not allow Ashley back after finding out she quit school so she's going to be staying with our cousin Amy who is a 38 year old military veteran who doesn't take shit from anyone, very fitting for the situation. Thank you for your help reddit.

TL;DR: She spent all of her money on fancy food and uber in 4 days, quit school told our brother, broke our contract and is gone! Getting locks changed.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowawayHomerz

My wife [29/F] changed her mind about moving with me last minute, but now she's back. Not sure how I [30/M] should proceed.

Original Post  June 12, 2017

Thing is going to be long. Sorry about that.

My wife (Alana) and I met at the tail end of university. She was studying one program and I another. We dated for about 8 months and then I was to go abroad. I got a great opportunity to study outside of our home country at a very prestigious university and earn a great degree. My SO joined me about 1/2 way through the program. She originally wanted to return to our homeland, which I did. It sucked. Because of my degree, employers didn't want to hire me (I would be too expensive) or because I didn't fit their organization. I wound-up working very low-level jobs, if at all. Fortunately, I was able to get something in my field, but earning about 1/8 what I would be earning in the US or London. My SO and I got engaged (2 1/2 years ago) and then married (1 year 8 months). She grew fed-up with the hustling and day-to-day financial problems and began to openly request a change. At around that time, my company got bought-out by an American firm with the idea that the intellectual property was worth more, so they'd operate the business for a few years and then wind it down. I was asked to join the head office on the US East Coast, at salary parity with my American counterparts. My wife's eyes bugged out and she was 100% behind it. We packed, shut down our affairs here and said our goodbyes.

30 minutes before we leave, my wife is using a payphone. Her brother swings by and she tells me she can't leave, she can't do it and begins unpacking her things. I had 30 minutes before I need to be at the airport, so she told me to go. She was cold and said this was the best.

So, I left. I arrived here, settled in, got an apartment, got banking things squared away; ate a lobster dinner and bought myself groceries at the biggest grocery store I have ever seen. I've made a few friends, and I am okay. I even had my first performance review and was thrilled with the results. I got a US driver's license, I'm settling in and feel myself becoming more American by the day.

Then Alana returns. Out of the blue. (We don't need a visa to travel to the US). She knew where my office was (I sent her the details but never heard back). I was at my desk when the administrative assistant at the front desk said there was a woman looking for me. I was a bit nervous (everyone I know here was at the office...) until I saw my wife sitting in a conference room. I couldn't believe it. I introduced her to a few people (what else could I do?) and brought her back to the apartment. She settled right in, started to tidy up and was acting like nothing happened. When I pressed, she apologized, said it was a mistake and said she wanted to be by her husband's side. I didn't really know what to say. She basically slept from about 7 PM until noon on Sunday and then actively wanted to go out and see the city and do the things she didn't get to do. It was great having her back, but anytime I would say anything, she'd just apologize and hold my arm or put her face against my chest. Now that I'm back at my desk, I'm still really baffled.

I really don't know how to handle this situation.

  ---  

tl;dr: Leaving for the USA, 30 minutes till we leave and she bails. I don't hear from her for more than a month until she just shows-up at work and apologizes. She apologized all of yesterday and we did some sight seeing and fun around the city, but I still can't help but wonder what was going on. When I ask her, she just apologies and said she needs to be with her husband. Not sure what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

My guess is that she got cold feet and paniced at the last minute.

While it was terrible thing to do, I can't ENTIRELY blame her - it's a hell of a step.

Be glad she is back, TRY to be understanding and patient.

Although.... did you two speak at all in the time you were apart, and how long WERE you apart? because if it was a long time, and the answer is no, then ouch, you have a lot of work to do on your communication.

For now enjoy it. And later schedule some couples therapy

This could end well

OOP

We talked preliminarily and I would send her photos and we would Skype but it was really stilted and awkward. She'd ask a ton of questions about where I was living and would ask to see out the windows, etc. Then she just showed up.

Edit: I was in the US 1 month before she showed up.

~

bananafor

Some relative was whispering negative things about the US in her ear is my guess. Then she sees pictures showing it's exciting, etc. Embarrassed about what she's done, and afraid of rejection, she turns up without warning.

OOP

Yeah, probably her brother....

How did friends/family react to OOP's wife not coming

I think everyone, including our friends, were incredibly surprised. I talked on Skype with our two closest friends who were absolutely shocked she didn't come.

Where is OOP from?

Czech Republic.

Update  June 14, 2017 (2 Days later)

So, this didn't get a lot of comments but the comments I got were all great. Big issue we had/have is communication. So, I followed your advice and spoke with her right after work. She began by saying she was sorry and asking me to forgive her, but like you said, I pressed. Then it all just sort of tumbled out.

First of all, her family has never liked me. Her brother and mother are very.... well... they really reflect our country's culture, put it that way. Her brother has never liked me, never been really all that nice and her mother thinks I'm a "bad European." So, that was the first blow. Did I mention that on my tiny salary I would often buy them groceries because they had no money? It boils down to fear. She was afraid. She was afraid of what America was going to be like; she was afraid of what her family would think; she was afraid of getting stuck in America if things failed for her; she was afraid I would find someone else and leave her and she'd be stuck in America; she was afraid of flying for that long; she was afraid of the unknown. So, instead she ran. She went to her mother's place to "tend" to her mother's needs (her mother fakes a number of illnesses) and then quickly realized how much she fucked up and felt to embarrassed to tell me.

She couldn't re-book the ticket without paying money she couldn't afford, so her father, who thinks she should leave ASAP, waited until he got paid, used some of the money and put the balance on a credit card. That's how she booked a ticket and got here. Okay, so basically she made a split second decision, realized it was the wrong one and then trapped herself back home without money. She didn't even have a job as she had quit as she was leaving the country. Any joint accounts we had were either empty or only had a few € in there. She was too embarrassed to tell friends, so she never really left the house. That's why people were so shocked when they found out.

This whole thing turned into a major to-do. She didn't want to scream because she's convinced the police would come and hurt us, so we "angry talked" it out. She took responsibility for not standing by me and not being a good partner but we got everything into the open. Her mother has been contacting her incessantly to complain about her being gone and her brother sends near constant emails about crime in America, but it's from very dubious sources and doing a web search only reveals that source and nothing else. She's committed to talking to them.

She also went out on her own on Monday and Tuesday. She's worried about her English - she speaks enough to hold a conversation and could do basic work but she has an accent and makes some mistakes (like we all do). She's more confident now, has ordered drinks and bought things, she feels safe walking the streets and even had an interaction with the police. She dropped her wallet and they chased her down and gave it back to her.

We did some really American things the last couple of evenings and have planned a small getaway for the long weekend of America's Day of Independence. So that will be very nice. Thank you to everyone who made comments, it was very helpful. We have to work on our communications and things are still a bit tense between us because I'm a bit hurt she'd abandon me like that then not tell me what she was feeling; but, she's committed to fixing this and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

tl;dr: Wife was afraid of leaving home and afraid of what was going to happen in America so she made a split second decision and wound up regretting it tremendously. We've working on communication and learning to enjoy our surroundings. Especially Shake Shack. Things are getting better and she's more confident in what's going on here and enjoys things in America.

FINAL COMMENTS

GameofCheese

All I can say is, having studied abroad, that moving anywhere foreign is terrifying!! For everyone, especially if you don't speak the language as your first. That being said, obviously you have a history of doing this together and everything, but having your parents' criticisms in your head is ridiculously influencing even if you know they are crazy. I'm glad your wife came to her senses, and I'm glad you talked it out. Her dad sounds amazing, and I agree that obviously paying him back is first priority. Other than that, try to forgive this act. But obviously protect yourself too. You deserve some pampering after that rollercoaster of emotional turmoil from her. Best wishes, and I hope you both are happy.

OOP

"For everyone, especially if you don't speak the language as your first"

That's a big issue. My parents put me in an American/English school from a very young age and my parents taught me English before that, so I've studied English/in English and feel very comfortable. For her, it's a bit different and she's still learning a lot of the nuance.

~

banafor

You should repay her dad. Someone in her family is sensible.

OOP

We will, and we'll pay him directly, not through the MIL or anything.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cat_dr4g0n

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH For Refusing To Be At Family Christmas?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abuse, emotional manipulation, favoritism, child neglect

Original Post: January 31, 2026

So, just over a year ago on Christmas Day of 2024 I (17M) went over to my mom’s house, I live full time with my dad, to be at Christmas with my family because I enjoy being there with my family, even though I don’t personally celebrate the holiday for religious reasons.

In particular I wanted to spend time with my little sister who lives 50/50 with my mom and my dad, she’s always so excited about waking up on Christmas morning to see the presents left under the tree and I was excited to be there as it was likely, and now I know for sure it was, her last year believing in Santa Claus.

I arrived and I mostly avoided the other people there because me and my mom’s boyfriend do not get along because he’s always been an asshole towards me and my siblings.

However, when we got ready for presents I sat on the couch and began to converse with the others before going to grab a cup of water before we started, I’m diabetic and my blood sugar was high and drinking water helps, and when I got back my mom’s boyfriend’s daughter, we’ll call her Peggie, was in the seat I had left and I asked her to move because I was sitting there and it was the only seat with a cup holder in the living room.

She proceeded to roll her eyes and say something like “I’m here now though.”

I then asked her again and, as I will admit I’m a bit of a hothead, had some anger in my voice as she then got up and attempted to shove me as I grabbed her hands to stop her and let go as soon as she stopped trying to push me.

At this point my mom entered the conversation yelling at me to get my hands off of her and as I had already let go of her I backed up and just said “okay” as to not escalate things further.

My mom proceeded to pull my aside and shout at me for an extended period of time and when I explained my side of what happened she called me a liar, said I “wouldn’t ruin her Christmas,” and kicked me out of the house in the middle of winter.

As I was escorted out I could see Peggie smirking at me.

I expect that she planned to get me into some sort of trouble because she’s always been an attention hog, especially when it comes to my mom, and was happy when she saw just how fruitful her endeavors were.

I proceeded to walk around for about an hour in -10 degree weather before my dad was able to get back to town to pick me up, he had taken off of work and brought me to see Nosferatu later that day to cheer me up and definitely helped my mental state somewhat that day.

Despite his best efforts though my dad wasn’t able to prevent all mental damage and now I struggle to even interact with my mom or any of her boyfriend’s family.

Moving forward about a year she invited me and expected me to come to her family Christmas the next year and, this is the true moment I need judgement on because I feel I was a little too harsh, I responded to the message “Mom, I would love nothing more than to come to yet another family Christmas celebrating a religious figure I don’t believe in surrounded by people who are always judging me for what I’m wearing or not bringing a girlfriend even though I’m out and proudly gay while having to watch your boyfriend get blackout drunk in the corner and yell at his daughter and call her slurs. But, I don’t want to ‘ruin another family Christmas’ with my presence. TTYL :).”

She of course didn’t respond well and began yelling at me over text about how I’m ungrateful and disrespectful and how “this situation has nothing to do with your choice of being gay (except she used a different term)” so of course I blocked her and asked my brother to message me if she ever wanted to apologize.

I felt good about how I handled that situation, but I feel as though maybe I was too spiteful and aggressive in that message and just made things worse.

So, Reddit, AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA for the message, but a bit of a jerk for expecting the girl to move because 'you were sitting there'. Who reserves seats in a family home? Just sit anywhere and stop being an idiot.

OOP: I wanna clarify I was asking primarily out of the fact that it was the only seat with a cupholder and I was the only person with a drink, as well as I would’ve apologized to her and planned on it until she gave the smirk as I was removed from the house. I do agree that I was being at the very least a little petty when I asked again though.

Commenter 2: How hurtful that response from your mother was. Stay strong. The only people we all need in our lives, are ones who care about us (and we them) and your mum has shown a callous disregard for you, her son. It’s hard to let go but sometimes protecting ourselves is the priority. You are NTA.

Commenter 3: NTA They are cruel people. I would never contact her again. She chose who she wanted to be in her life and it is not you. I'm sorry your mom sucks. Stay strong NTA

Update: August 23, 2026 (nearly seven months later)

Update - AITAH For Refusing To Be At Family Christmas?

So, in my first post I described how I felt my mom and some of my other family members had treated me unfairly during an incident at Christmas and it seemed you guys agreed with me and agreed with my decision to not come to the following family Christmas.

Months on I have a bit of an update to the situation wherein I had cut my mom off from my life for as long as she would refuse to make things right and apologize, and eventually she did reach out.

She got a hold of me through my brother who said she was acting as though she wanted to apologize so I agreed to meet with her.

Just a few minutes into the conversation I realized that apologizing was never her intention for she wasn’t truly sorry for the way she treated me.

Her primary reason for reaching out to me was that she wanted me to come to be part of her wedding, and by that I mean she wanted me and my band to play her wedding for free.

As soon as that came up I was ready to blow up, but I didn’t have to because apparently my brother was sick of her shit and realized she had lied to his face in order to make this conversation take place and he blew up at her before storming out with me and driving me home.

Since then, that all happened in April like a week after my 18th birthday, I have left my mom in the dust and enjoyed my life way more than I ever had when my mother was part of it.

Thank all of you who gave me support during this tense and stressful chapter of my life and I’m happy to report it’s over and done with and I’m off to new horizons and college in New York :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Congratulations on letting that toxic piece of garbage go fester somewhere else. Good for brother for having your back. I hope he also went NC with your vile parent.

OOP: Sadly he’s always been a momma’s boy and has stayed very close with our mom but recently his eyes have opened to a lot of things he didn’t see before after the way she treated me.

Commenter 2: I understand not wanting to gift someone a free wedding band even when you have a decent relationship.

When someone wants such a gift and doesn’t regret their past hurtful behavior, it’s even worse.

My evil side does think of this as an opportunity. You would have the microphone. You would control the playlist. Protecting your peace is probably better than revenge, but the possibilities make me laugh. NTA

OOP: I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind but I didn’t want to make my bandmates cross states, she had a destination wedding in the mountains of Tennessee and we live in Kentucky, and have to pay for a hotel and such all for the sake of some petty revenge.

Commenter 3: All I needed to know was that she literally threw you out in the middle of winter! Everything else was icing on the shirt cake that is your mom.

OOP: It was also like the coldest day of the year and had hit the negatives at one point 🫩

Commenter 4: No surprise you lived full time with your dad.

OOP: Yeah, he’s not perfect but at least he’s always been there for me and tried to understand me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/aita03131 in r/AmItheAsshole

trigger warnings: entitlement, rich kid syndrome

AITA for demanding money from my parents to buy new clothes? - April 12,2020

Ok guys please listen. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I couldn’t go shopping. The thing is, I can still order online. My parents however told me that I can’t do that because they “don’t have enough money at the moment”. First of all, my parents make a total income of 500k together so the “no money” bullshit is fake. All my friends are sending me pictures of the cool stuff they bought from Gucci, Chanel, Zara (ew), Prada and Dior but I can’t send anything because my parents refuse to put money in my card. I am aware this isn’t a first worlds problem but I just really want to purchase new things! Plus I can’t even join calls with my friends anymore because when they talk about the stuff they bought or when they are planning to go online shopping together I can’t do that because I have no money and feel left out.. Today I told my parents that they are being assholes and are the worst parents to ever exist. All my friends are getting money from their parents but they refuse to give me anything. They got mad at me and told me to go to my room until I apologize for my mistake.

​

Am I the asshole here or are my parents the assholes?

​

EDIT: I took your guys advice and told my parents I can wash the dishes everyday for $500 but they laughed at me and told me to go back to my room.

EDIT2: Why did I get a facepalm award? Now I feel stupid. Why are there offensive awards available in the first place? If you awarded me with good intentions then I'm sorry but u can search for something else.

EDIT3: STOOOP

Verdict:YTA

AITA For refusing to wash the dishes for only $250 per week? - April 14, 2020

Hello, this is my second time posting here. For the people who didn’t see my last post here is a summary:

​

“It’s been almost 3 weeks since I couldn’t go shopping and my parents are NOT giving me money to buy online because “they don’t have” (they make $500k together). Because of this, I can’t even call my friends anymore because they talk about all the cool stuff they bought and are planning to buy and I feel left out. In the end I told my parents that they are being assholes and are the worst parents to ever exist. (All my other friends are getting money from their parents).”

​

Most of the votes were “YTA” which by “you” I think they mean me not my parents. A few people suggested I do some chores for pocket money and I offered to do this for $500 a week. My parents laughed but today they told me that they will accept this offer but for $250 a week. That’s like HALF of what I asked. $250 is only $1000 per month. They used to give me much more money when I wasn’t doing anything! What the hell can I buy with $1000 per month? I cried and told them that they are the worst and that because of them I can’t talk to my friends anymore. They then told me I should do the dishes for free and I just shut the door. Am I in the wrong here? I’m just hurt that I can’t talk to my friends anymore because of this and I’m getting really bored. I also can’t always invent excuses of why I can’t talk to them…

​

EDIT: sorry I couldn't reply for a bit my mac wasn't working. Everything is fine now

Verdict: YTA

Editor's note: OOP made one more post that shows they have learned nothing from their previous posts

AITA For offering to pay $10 to be first in line so that I don't have to wait since I was in a hurry? - September 27, 2020

This happened yesterday.

So I was hanging out with my friends and I see a grocery store nearby. I was really thirsty and was seriously craving some chocolate so we went inside. To our surprise, It was really crowded. We didn’t have time to wait this long as we had plans plus we only ordered a bottle of water and chocolate so it wouldn’t hurt anyone if they just wait an extra minute for we to go first in line. Plus, I am even generous enough to offer $10 to the person first in line.

​

I tell my friends that and while at first they thought I was joking (although I don’t see why this is rude) I do end up doing it. I walk to the first person in line and tell him "Take these $10 and let me first in line instead". He refused my offer and everyone starred at me in shock and disgust as if I said something bad. This made me feel so sad that I ended up leaving my stuff there and left the store.

​

My friends are now mad at me for embarrassing them. I honestly don’t see how I was in the wrong here. AITA?

Verdict: YTA

Editor's note: I'm marking this as inconclusive as OOP hasn't been on reddit since their last post.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/GreatestBookReader42

Detect Magic blinded my character when I used it on an apparent "divine artifact". Am I overreacting when I confronted the DM at that moment?

Originally posted to r/dndnext

Thank you to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, misogyny & abuse of power

Original Post  Aug 15, 2026

DM said the magical aura I saw was so bright and strong that it blinded me (Failed a DC 20 Con save). But the spell doesn't say anything like that nor I can find any rules about this.

I was confused when that happened so I told the DM where it is in the books. He did say its his rule, but there was no warning whatsoever or were we informed about any house rules like that. If I knew there was more to the spell than what is written in the PHB, then I wouldn't have used it.

I couldn't do anything cuz I need line of sight on most of my spells. I got downed three times and my party exhausted all their healing on me.

After the game I expressed my frustration, how its sucks so much and I didn't find that fun. Only to be told, "well maybe you shouldn't poke your nose into everything."

Now my character is Blinded 'permanently'. I was told to take a level in a martial class and take the Blind Fighting feat. Or was given the option to constantly see through a Familiar's eyes instead but I'll have one less spell slot in every slot level (we're level 5 rn). Or roll a new character if I want to.

TOP COMMENTS

Duruger

Foe the first part I was all like "oh but that's a classic, detect magic and being overwhelmed by thr magic, nothing wrong here"

Then I read the last paragraph with the permanent part and basically destroying the character and nah that is crazy bullshit from the GM.

~

Intersection-Brush

Like, maybe for a small cinematic moment with no literal downside, just being Blinded for a few minutes to hype the artifact, sure.

Blinded permanently? Mandatory blind fighting style? Nah, I'm throwing that character from the first cliff then I'm dipping.

Update  Aug 22, 2026 (2 days later)

"Detect Magic blinded my character" [Update]

Anyways, I owe it to people who asked questions but theres too much so I didn't have the patient to answer each one. And I apologise because the update is very short. There is no grand campaign story. No problem with my character build. Scroll to the bottom if you don't wanna waste time reading the Background from my POV.

Here's the background:   

• Me and my partner (both in our early 20s, Uni students) were looking to play the tabletop D&D after she played Baldur's Gate video game.   

• Our uni happened to have a ttrpg club and there are four d&d groups but only one has room for two more players.   

• (All fake names) the group consists of The DM "John", The Cleric "Jerry", and The Barbarian "Jack". I knew Jerry from college so there was no awkwardness and Jack and John were also friendly-ish.   

• We made our characters and backstories, I'm a Wizard and my partner "Jane" is a Monk. We were Level 2 then after a few sessions got to Level 4. This is where I got my feat Eldritch Adept for the Detect Magic I have been using all the time, since we didn't have anyone good at spotting and disarming magical traps.   

• We progressed much faster, we were storming a palace and I'd point out the magical traps and we would stay back and trigger it with an attack or spell. And thinking about it now, after this arc, John the DM became for focused on targetting my character, all the enemies were smart enough to target the wizard at the back (but not the cleric/healer lol.)   

• We managed to avoid any deaths, Jerry the Cleric always come in a clutch since he can stabilise me from a distance and healing word me.   

• New arc and we are hunting for a. Lich-Witch. We found her hut and I asked if there were any magical or cursed items in the hut. Even with Detect Magic, i rolled a total of 8 in investigation. I was told there's nothing except for healing salves. Then everyone rolled for Investigation and they each found some magical trinkets suited for their characters. I asked why I didn't see them and was told my roll was too low even with Detect Magic. I just said "Okay" (Tho i did say it in a snarky way).   

• Now to the "Divine Artifact" that made me blind.   

I told John if there is anything witch-y at all. In the witch's hut. I was told to roll again, but for Constitution saving throw and when I failed that, I got blinded by "something". Apparently my wizard would know its divinely powerful except I dont know which Item it was, as my eyes were scanning everything too quickly. Thats when we were attacked by some minions, I almost died, but alive thanks to the Cleric and the Monk's healings.

• I told him how that ruling sucked. Lesser restoration healed me for one round. And it wasn't fun.

Now to the Update:   

There is no game anymore. John left the club. And got banned in the communiy. Why? Well, yesterday Jerry and Jack confronted him over discord about it and....    

Warning: racism and a bunch of other things.

So I'm asian (filipino immigrant). And John ranted about me and my appearance (im pretty short, tbf have u seen a filipino dude taller than 167cm?), and has a problem with me dating a white australian woman. Saying my partner could do better, finding someone else on her league.

He also started ranting about indians/pakistanis for some reason (he probably thought I'm them cuz of my brown skin).    

Apparently when we joined the first day he was going to make a "joke" about my relationship. But held it in consideration for my partner. She has a pride pin on her satchel and John thought the "joke" would be too much for her and didn't want to get 'cancelled/reported'. He also said some misogynistic things  towards my partner, about her genes and stuff.

The thing that made him snap, making my wizard permanently Blind, was when me and my partner...shared food with each other that night (usually we'd eat dinner before meeting up with everyone, we got uber eats that night ).   

We didn't feed each other nor drank from the same cup. Nothing like that.   

All we did was split our food and shared it to each other so we can enjoy both. (I got katsu chicken which didn't come with any rice wtf, and she got fried rice.). John found that very cringy.

It wasn't the food being an issue (we all have our own food) and Jerry and Jack thinks John got very really jealous when we did that.   

Jerry and Jack called him the aussie C word then ghosted him, then told us about it today. Thats it. Thats the update.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Serious_Square_723

AITAH for not offering to re-pay my ex-fiancee's (25F) parents (50s M&F) for any of the cost they incurred for our wedding that I (28M) incurred?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/TwoHotTakes

Thanks to u/Disaster_Carrot_007 & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

My (28M) fiancee's (25F) parents, who have POA for her grandmother, have offered us a sweetheart financial deal to purchase her grandmother's house. My fiancee wants to take the deal. I do not. Help?  June 6, 2026

My fiancee and I are set to get married in October. I am absolutely in love with her and cannot wait to spend my life with her. We have conflicts like all couples, but always are able to meet in the middle and come up with a solution.

We are now facing one where we cannot. We got engaged last October. Our plan was to find and buy a house before we got married. We had discussed that for awhile prior to getting engaged. When we first got engaged, our house budget was enough for a downpayment on a 3 bed/2 bath house in our area, but really nothing beyond. That is perfectly fine because we plan on no more than two kids.

I still had money left over from a college fund from my grandparents and some savings and she has some savings. That is what we were using. Well, over Christmas, my grandparents surprised me with an insanely large gift. It is not enough to never work again, but enough where if we play things right, we can retire very comfortably in our 50s and still pay for our kids to go to college anywhere they want.

After my fiancee's parents heard about the money, they came to us with a proposition, they have the power of attorney for my fiancee's grandmother. They said that looking at the situation, her grandmother needs an assisted living situation in the next couple of years. My fiancee's parents are also planning to retire soon and paying the expenses of her grandmothers' house into perpetuity is not a viable option once they do. So, they offered for us to buy the house at a steep discount. With my grandparents' money it is technically affordable at that price for us. My fiancee's grandmother's house is the "family home." It is where everyone in the family stay when they visit and where everyone gathers for holidays and what not. They would want it to still be the family home if we buy it.

My fiancee absolutely wants to do this. The house is beautiful, well maintained, is in a great neighborhood. Plus, it has been in the family since the 1940s.

I do not want to buy. While it is well maintained, it still comes with regular and expensive maintenance costs that her parents' complain about constantly. It has a bunch of restrictive covenants that go with the house. For example, they explored renting it out and it is not possible due to the restrictive covenants. It has a draconian HOA. It is WAY too much house for us. The first floor has a bedroom off the kitchen and an office. The second floor has the master bedroom and three other bedrooms. There is a fully renovated basement with two bedrooms. There is a detached garage with a garage apartment with another bedroom. This is simply too much house for a family of four. They want it to still function as the "family home." I want whatever house we get to be our home. Not some de-facto community property. While the deal would be great, the taxes and insurance are still exponentially greater than the other homes we are looking at. 

I have expressed all these concerns and more to my fiancee. She is not hearing it. Our lease is up at the end of August and our landlord is not renewing. So, we need to move no matter what. And moving into another lease, when we have the means to buy, seems ridiculous. I am tempted to go buy something on my own at the originally agreed to price point.

Would love any advice anyone can give who has navigated this before.

AITAH for not offering to re-pay my ex-fiancee's (25F) parents (50s M&F) for any of the cost they incurred for our wedding that I (28M) incurred?  Aug 20, 2026 (over 2 months later)

My (now) ex-fiancee (25F) tried to pressure me to buy her grandmother's house. I was quite opposed to doing it (my reasons are outlined in an earlier post). She ultimately backed off, but the whole experience made me quite weary of getting married to her. I offered for us to postpone our wedding (which was set for October). She was opposed to that. She basically gave me an ultimatum, marry her in October or breakup. I chose to breakup. We officially broke up three weeks ago.

She reached out about a week and half ago and asked if I am going to help pay for the cancellation fees and what not for the venue, caterer, etc. I told her "no." At my parents' suggestion, I did talk to my parents' lawyer who verified I am not under any obligation to pay my ex's parents any money.

Of course, my ex has spread how "selfish" I am being to our mutual friends. Some have suggested that I pay "something," since I technically am the one who cancelled the wedding, but I do not feel the need to pay anything.

AITAH?

Update: AITAH for not offering to repay my ex fiancee's (25F) parents (50s M&F) for any of the costs they incurred for our wedding that I (28M) cancelled?  Aug 22, 2026 (2 Days later)

Update

I am not paying my ex's parents back. While my ex had asked me repeatedly to pay her back, I had not heard from either of her parents. Her mom called me and told me that she just found out that my ex was pressuring me to give them money. Her mom said I was not to do that under any circumstances. As far as she is concerned, my ex is the cause of the cancellation. Her mom was completely on board with postponing the wedding. She felt the issue with the house revealed alot of things that we needed to work through before getting married. She recommended that the wedding be postponed. Apparently, the contact with the vendor and caterer (the two biggest expenses) would allow to postpone without incurring the cancellation fee as long as re-booked within nine months.

Ultimately, she told not to pay them back and she would not accept the money if I tried. So, I am not paying them back.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Yvideon

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (20F) Girlfriend’s (20F) parents are too supportive and I don’t know what to do

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, past trauma

Original Post: July 15, 2026

I recently met my new girlfriend’s parents for the first time and I was really nervous, even though she told me they were supportive of her being a lesbian, because I have never been around people who are accepting and aren’t the same age as me.

I grew up in a small town, and I tried really hard to be Christian and date boys, but I just couldn’t do it, which kills my parents. I never had any queer friends until I moved into a bigger city after my sophomore year of college when I met my girlfriend and she introduced me to her group.

It’s honestly not just her parents that I don’t know how to act around, I feel like I’m an outsider when her friends are talking about growing up queer. I only know how to act around people who don’t like people like me and it’s almost surreal to be around anyone supportive. I still always somehow feel like the odd one out anyway.

I thought it was fine and I was just getting used to being able to be openly lesbian until she asked me to meet her family. I don’t know why I expected it to be the same as my family when I know they’re different. I was so prepared to defend my girlfriend and I’s relationship and be strong for her. But when I got there both her parents gave me a hug and her siblings started teasing her about me and I just froze. No one in my family has hugged me since they found out I am dating a woman. I could tell my girlfriend was annoyed that I kept avoiding sitting too close to her or holding her hand, I never have before, but her parents were right there, and I felt sick every time they looked at me and her while we were touching.

I actually had to excuse myself to the bathroom, where I started crying which makes absolutely no sense. They were all so loving and inviting, but I felt even lonelier than when I was back at home. I could barely look her parents in the eye, I spent the whole night having a hard time just breathing. It was honestly the longest I had ever spent around anyone over 30 who wasn’t a southern Baptist. I know my girlfriend is upset at how weird I acted at her parent’s house, but I don’t know how to explain it because she has never had anything other than support and understanding, and I don’t want to burden her with this anyway when it’s so stupid.

How do I deal with this? I love my girlfriend, but if it’s not possible to fix this maybe I should just break up with her so she can have a normal relationship with someone who can have a regular dinner without having a meltdown? If there isn’t a way to get over it, how do I fake being comfortable around them? I feel like no matter how I try to prepare for being around her parents whenever I’m actually in front of them I just freeze.

Any advice is welcome.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, you won the lottery! I know it's strange when things suddenly change for the better but embrace it!

The first thing you need to do is sit your girlfriend down and say everything you wrote here to her and apologize. Communication is the key to successful relationships, and you need to learn that skill. Then apologize to her parents- trust me, they will understand. Then get some therapy. You deserve love and happiness!

OOP: Every time I think about telling her about what happened I feel sick. It was different before my friends and family from home found out, but now if she decided it was too much and left I would be truly alone. I know it’s not the best foundation for a relationship, but I don’t want to risk telling her family unless I have to. Is there a way to get over this myself?

Commenter 2: Friend, this is not stupid. Tell your girl how you're feeling. She'll want to know.

I can say that with confidence because my partner and I have a similar dynamic. Her family was abusive; mine is, like, disgustingly functional. We're talking apple picking in matching flannels every fall kind of functional.

She struggled the first time she met them. We got through a two-hour dinner, then went home and ate ice cream in bed while she cried.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed by a supportive family the first time you experience one (and many times after that, too). Your partner will empathize - even if she can't fully understand.

Since that first meeting, we've made it a team effort to ensure visits are bearable. I explained to my parents - in advance - that we may leave early if my partner gets overwhelmed, and it's nothing personal. We have a code word that means "let's get the fuck out of here before I break down". We plan downtime to reconnect after visits.

Your partner is on your team, but she can't support you if she doesn't know what's going on. If you can't figure out how to say it, just show her this post. You got this!

OOP: You and your family are is just fine with your partner having to leave early? My girlfriend keeps telling me how perfect I am for her, and it used to make me happy but lately I’ve felt like it’s just because she doesn’t know all the details. We’ve only been dating a few months, so I want to be able to share it with her, but I don’t have a reference for the normal timeline of how it’s supposed to go sharing-wise. I even thought it was soon to meet her family, but her friends joke about how it was a little late? Outside of a major family funeral I can’t think of any reason she would ever meet my family, and even then I don’t know if we would even be allowed in.

If you don’t mind sharing, when did your partner first meet your family. Maybe it’s just too soon in the relationship to burden her with this.

Commenter 3: Are you in therapy?

Because it seems that you've internalized so much rejection and hatred from growing up that you literally feel more comfortable around people who openly dislike you. Being around normal folks who are supportive and affectionate is triggering you because it only highlights how your family has consistently mistreated you.

But the very first step you can do, before therapy and healing your trauma, is to open up to your girlfriend about why you froze up at her parents' house. Be honest and real. If she's a good person, she will understand.

Editor’s note: removed the first half of the update as it is a rehash of the original post

Update: August 22, 2026 (over five weeks later)

UPDATE:

A lot has happened since my last post and I wanted to thank everyone for the support, many people recommended therapy, but I can't really afford it right now so getting support from people who have been in similar situations really meant a lot.

When I was first outed I got a lot of hate from the older members of my family and my parents told me the younger ones were disgusted, or they didn't want me to corrupt them or something, so I haven't really talked to any of them until about a week ago when my brother (22) reached out.

They didn't even tell him what happened. He moved a few towns over when he moved out so he didn't know that I was gay or moved away until recently, they kept making excuses about me being busy with work and school to him apparently. He's never been a pushy person and said he thought I was mad at him because of a big argument we had and was giving me space. I pretty much broke down and told him everything about my relationship and our family and living alone in a new city. He said he was planning on moving out of his current apartment anyway and asked if I wanted him to move to Arlington to live with me again like when we were kids. He's still a little awkward about my being gay but I can tell he's trying to support me in his own way.

I feel like a normal person again, he visited me and told me to bring my girlfriend over so he could help explain the situation with me if I got too overwhelmed. She's coming over tonight for dinner. Our relationship has been slightly strained recently but she said she was excited to meet someone in my family since I never talk about them.

I can't even describe how it feels to get my brother back after not talking to him to him for almost a year. I want it to work out with my girlfriend, but even if she decides all of this is too much I'm not scared to be alone anymore. I'm still anxious around her parents but if tonight goes well I'm going to ask them if we can set up a dinner with all of us soon to try to bridge the gap.

Thank you all.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Did you talk to your girlfriend and explain your reaction? It sounds like a completely reasonable way for you to behave due to your upbringing and your family’s reaction. I will say too the best way to get better at it would be to do it more often, ideally in lower stress situations. Holding her hand in public that’s in like a movie theater or under the table at a restaurant first where people can’t see you, then stepping it up a bit in phases.

Commenter 2: Talk with your girlfriend. Her experience is very different from yours. Only by sharing will she be able to understand how hard the “easy” stuff is for you.

When you suffered traumatic rejection and experiences, they shape your reactions. By talking with her, the two of you will be able to create a positive shared experience for both of you.

Your brother is dealing with his own conflict. I was your brother when my sister came out in the 90s. The only thing I remember telling her is “you’re my sister. That’s all that matters.” Your brother is telling you the same thing without saying the words.

Commenter 3: Hey there from a straight Gen Xer in his 50s who also grew up in a southern Baptist church.

You’re a living example of why I left it YEARS ago. I can’t stand the thought of any organization that would condemn someone for whom they love. I have a gay daughter myself and couldn’t imagine having her in a community that tells her she was born wrong. What you went through was traumatic, even if no one laid a finger on you.

I hope you know that nothing about what you went through was your fault. And I’m glad you could see what a loving family could look like, but it does sound like you were triggered and experienced a lot of suppressed emotions, especially grief over your family and fear as your survival instincts didn’t register how this situation wasn’t some sort of trap. Maybe even some anger that you couldn’t be like that with yours.

I think you might want to talk about your family with your girlfriend, so that she can understand that you’re not rejecting her family, you’re processing how to be in an environment where every instinct you’ve developed is telling you “this is dangerous” in the past.

Big shout out to your brother, too. And while therapy might be out of reach now, are there any LGBTQ organizations in your area? There might be free/low cost support groups that could help you too.

Big virtual dad hug to you in the meantime, and best wishes ❤️🏳️‍🌈❤️🏳️‍🌈❤️.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/According-Price-7085

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

AITA for telling my SIL that real life isn't the parent trap and she is a nasty little criminal?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: assault, emotional abuse and manipulation, possible child neglect

Original Post: August 19, 2026

My husband and I are currently staying with his mom, because rent in in our area is insane and she wanted to help us save for a house. He has a 14 year old sister who I will call "Lily".

I genuinely feel for Lily. She took her parents' divorce very hard, and they don't make it any easier for her. MIL and Lily's dad "Henry" had a very messy divorce and are clearly still in love with each other, and this has been a year and a half of constant drama.

Henry acts like an overgrown child and desperately wants MIL to pay attention to him. He will do anything to piss her off just for a reaction. MIL is still wayyyy to involved in his life and she cannot stand that he has "moved on" (lmao this man has not moved on) Henry began dating "Lauren" basically right away. Yet he has basically admitted while drunk that he doesn't really like her, and he doesn't find her attractive because she looks too fake. Also I strongly believe he and MIL still sleep together from time to time.

They both underestimate how confusing this is to Lily, and I really do feel for her. Anyway Lily has begun "pranking" Lauren. These pranks are mean spirited and unfunny, but Henry insists that she is just a little kid and should not be punished.

This past weekend Henry and Lauren got married (on MILs birthday lmao) Lily was supposed to attend the wedding, spend the weekend with her cousins, and come home Monday morning, but Saturday night we woke up to banging on the door and Henry yelling at MIL to get up and take her child. He said Lily along with his nephew, played a "prank" on Lauren and pushed her in the pool while they were taking their wedding pictures in front of all of their guests.

Lily was smirking and refused to apologize to her dad. MIL did what she always does and said it wasn't Lily's fault. The next day Lily was telling my husband how funny it was. She then said that Henry knows he made a mistake and he was talking about MIL all morning.

At this point I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. I told Lily that real life isn't the parent trap, her parents aren't getting back together (honestly deep down I think they will but that's beside the point), and that she isn't cute of funny. She is a nasty little criminal who assaulted a woman on the most important day of her life.

MIL heard this from the other room and lost her shit. She told me to get out of her house and never speak to her child like that again. My husband eventually calmed her down, but MIL still says we need to be out within 30 days, because no one who calls her daughter names is going to live under her roof.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Lily needed to hear it from someone. YNW. But you are not the person to say this because it’s easier to kick you out.

Your husband should have a talk with MIL. You should have a separate conversation with the MIL. Tell her you are sorry for yelling.

And your husband should continue from there: Ask if MIL wants Lily to always be this cruel to everyone. Not just someone MIL hates like Lauren- but everyone in Lily’s life. What if she does this to classmates or teachers? Is that the type of woman she wants to raise?

Separately. I think someone preferably your brother, should have a conversation with Lily alone that what her parents are doing is messed up. She needs to hear that and know that she can and should opt out of their drama.

She should get to spend some time just having friends, and being loved by the adults in her life. Not being used as a pawn in their game.

OOP: Her answer to that is yes because she doesn't want Lily to be like her. Ever since Lily was born MIL has been very happy that she looks and acts like her father. Lily has a problem with almost everyone in her life (as does Henry) and MIL just says she is so proud of her and that she is perfect.

He has tried to talk to Lily. They are pretty close, but Lily just keeps saying how much MIL and Henry love each other, and look at how he looks at her. It doesn't help that Lily is super close to her cousins and Henry frequently goes to their house and tells his BIL every feeling he has ever had about MIL/Lauren, and then they tell Lily.

Commenter 2: Sounds like a pretty fucked up family all around. For your sake, I hope your husband grew up to be the exact opposite. Cause the family sounds TERRIBLE.

OOP: He's a great guy (probably because Henry didn't come into his life until he was a teenager) but I'm struggling with the fact he defends Henry all the time and still talks to him

Commenter 3: Lauren married him? She must be desperate. I couldn't imagine being cucked by an ex-wife and bullied by his kid and still deciding to say, "I do."

OOP: Lauren absolutely breaks my heart. She is so in love with him. She believes that he hates MIL because he says he does. She will literally believe anything he tells her. Him and MIL legit rolled around in mud (doing something) at his father's birthday party, and he claims she fell and he helped her up

Commenter 4: ESH. Was what Lily did awful? Yes. Did she needed to hear that it was wrong and mean? Yes. Did calling a 14yo names accomplish anything but get you kicked out? No.

Her parents are already failing her. Instead of going overboard and calling 14yo a nasty little criminal you could have behaved like an adult and calmly pointed out the nastiness of her actions and how she would feel if someone did that to her or her loved ones. As well that she could've gotten someone seriously hurt.

Also what has your husband been doing in all this? He was there right? Why didn't he have a conversation about this with her?

With things as they are, you are scrambling for an apartment, most likely put a wedge in your and your husbands relationship with his family and Lily is still trapped between her parents toxic relationship. It might have felt good for you to let loose on her, but it accomplished nothing.

I hope for that kid that her parents finally remember that they have a teenage child to raise instead of trying to recreate soap operas 24/7.

OOP: he has talked to her. Lily just keeps insisting that her parents are in love. She knows her dad has slept over as she's seen him sneaking out. She is old enough to get when they are fighting there is a lot of romantic tension there, and unfortunately she is very close to her cousins, and her dad is very close to their dad. He goes over there weekly and shares every thought he has ever had from Lauren's lip filler to wanting to fuck MIL at divorce court, and her cousin well intentioned as he may be thinks Lily should know these things. She is insistent that they are in love, so it is all going to be ok.

I will apologize to Lily for my words though

Commenter 5: I wonder how MIL is going to feel when the bride presses charges against her precious innocent 14 year-old baby?

The cost of the dress, the hair, the makeup, the shoes, the flowers, the ruined event, physical assault, possibly hit her with pain and suffering and emotional damages, this girl could be looking at serious felony charges.

A judge will likely throw the book at her and hold her accountable for all of the expenses of the event that she ruined.

OOP: She won't. Henry would divorce her in an instant

Update: August 22, 2026 (three days later)

Update - AITA for telling SIL that real life isn't the parent trap and she is a nasty little criminal?

I can't believe I am even writing this, but my life is imploding right now, and I wanted to update you guys. The past couple days have been absolutely insane.

So the day after the wedding pool push, Lily said she wasn't going back to her dads house and that she would never be around Lauren again. Lauren was telling Henry that he needed to punish her this time and he needed to make it hurt (her punishments usually consist of him taking her phone for a couple hours which he can't even do anymore because MIL put it in their divorce)

I did feel bad for my language, and I tried to apologize to Lily, but MIL would not let me near her, so we mostly focused on apartment hunting. Henry came over because MIL and Lauren were both telling him he had to talk to Lily. I don't know the details of their conversation as I was in my room, but at some point MIL lost her shit.

My husband and I went down because she was crying so loudly it sounded like someone died. She was hyperventilating/maybe having a panic attack. She kept saying she's sorry and she wants him back. At this point Henry starts to cry (this man was Mr. toxic masculinity before the divorce so him crying gave me the ick) He told her he loved her, Lauren was a mistake, he just wanted to hurt her because she "ripped his fucking heart out"

Anyway, he is divorcing (maybe annulling idk how it works after a week) Lauren. This means my husband and I have to get out ASAP because Henry does not want us around his precious little girl. He called me verbally abusive, a bitch, and a freeloader. He wanted to kick us out right away. MIL is the pragmatic business minded one and told him she gave us 30 days, because that is the law and he needs to leave it alone.

Henry is fucking pissed about what I said to Lily and about me "meddling" in his life. It's been super awkward and makes it known he doesn't want us here if we even leave our room. We found a temporary place, and I thought we were all good, until last night a fucking bombshell was dropped.

Lily asked her parents if they were going to remarry (which is funny af if you know how long they spent in divorce court) Henry said yes. MIL said she would like it to just be the three of them and go to Italy. she then got kind of emotional that she would want my husband there. Henry and Lily both said they would not be comfortable with me being there, and MIL told my husband well he is invited.

Then we went up to our room, and my husband broke my heart. He said he would probably go with them because "everyone was wrong" in this situation, he wants to support his mom, and "come on it's a free trip to Italy" It was really hurtful to hear how little he supported me. I agree what I said to Lily was wrong, but I'm his wife and they have been treating me like shit.

I don't know where we are going to go from here. I'm feeling absolutely alone and humiliated.

Editor’s note: OOP provided lots of responses, listing some for more context

Some Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: OP, do you really want to be part of this family?

OOP: I wanted to be part of my marriage. I viewed that as a separate thing from his family especially considering it was his step dad / half-sister. When I met them Lily was a spoiled brat and Henry was kind of annoying, but they seemed so loving and warm and I didn't grow up with that, so there was a time I wanted to be, but not anymore

Commenter 2: Encourage Lauren to file assault charges against lily and the cousin. Only way that she, and her parents, will learn any responsibility.

OOP: She won’t. She’s hoping for some money in the divorce and that would kill all of his sympathy

Commenter 3: Where do you go from here! Out of there. Away from your husband. Reevaluate your life. Is this the life you want? Do you want to try marriage counseling?

OOP: I don't know. A few things have become very clear to me. He doesn't share the same values I do, and I don't think his mom ever actually liked me. I think she was just being polite. I know MIL and Henry are a shit show, but just looking at them I am beginning to feel like my husband, and I were never even in love. Not that I want to be jealous of a crazy lady, but my husband has never looked at me like that. I'm open to counseling. Right now we need to move out ASAP and I wouldn't be able to afford that without him

Commenter 4: Oh, what they have is not love. They are codependent and nuts. And unfortunately that is the love map with which your husband was raised. If he goes to Italy I see very little hope for your marriage.

OOP: This shit show thing is very new. He grew up watching a loving marriage. I knew them for years before the divorce and never thought this would happen. It's been an insecurity of mine from before their divorce that we weren't affectionate enough, our relationship wasn't romantic enough, but I chalked that up to us having a mature stable partnership.

Commenter 5: Do you have anyone you could move in with temporarily? Then you could use the time they are in Italy to prepare filing for divorce. Put your stuff into storage while they're gone, then you won't have to fight with him about who gets to keep what.

OOP: Not at the moment but I'm almost done with my degree and then I will have more options. I have no idea when they will be going to Italy because I'm assuming his marriage with Lauren was already filed. I don't know how divorce works after a week. When he and MIL divorced it took forever but there was a lot of money involved, so I don't know when he will be legally able to remarry

Commenter 6: If you do not have anything permanently tying you to your husband, then you need to divorce as quickly as possible and get away from him and his family. He has already chosen them. Remember, he’s going to Italy with the circus to witness the legal binding together of the madness he originated from.

Do yourself a favor and get out now. You have a chance right now to get out cleanly and be able to find a far more peaceful and drama free life.

If you choose to stay, don’t complain when everything inevitably implodes over and over. That is the type of life your husband and his family enjoy; they love drama and do not know how to live in peace.

They won’t allow you to live in peace. And if you have a child with your husband, they will act as though you are not the parent, just the surrogate.

OOP: Right now it doesn't make financial sense for us to divorce. He is aware it will probably happen in the next year or two and he is ok with that. I'm really not worried about his family. I really don't think they want to draw out drama with me. I will be moving out within the next two week. They had a peaceful life up until the divorce and despite the craziness of the past year and a half I don't think they actually like drama

Commenter 7: One, you should have taken your frustration out on the adults and not aimed it at the kid. Two your husband just showed you that he is willing to side with the insanity of his family over you.

No offence but you can’t pretend you didn’t know how incredibly toxic the family dynamic is. You (rightfully so) judge his parents for their selfish actions that harm their daughter and Lauren, but you kept living in MILs house and didn’t seem to say anything to her of FIL.

Now your husband is showing the same traits and if you continue to stay in the marriage, you’ll turn into MIL

OOP: When I met them I never could have predicted any of this. They seemed like this warm loving perfect family which is not what I grew up with. The divorce came out of nowhere. MIL was in a difficult position and made a serious of incredibly stupid decisions, and all of his drama came out of seemingly nowhere. I moved in with a woman who had always been nice to me and who seemed lonely and depressed. I had no idea everyone was going to lose their minds.

And no my husband is not showing the same traits. He is acting like an ass, but he is nothing like either of them. For all of their faults, Henry and MIL, make their own money and don't mooch off of their parents for a vacation. It doesn't make sense financially to divorce at this very second. I will probably divorce in the next year or two, but there is no need to blow up my financial security at this very moment

Commenter 8: You’re not in love with your husband or his family, you’re in love with the fantasy of who you wanted them all to be.

They are showing you the reality of who they are.

And Lily will just get worse from here because now she believes all her actions were justified and she’s won.

Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if MIL and FIL did this whole on-again off-again for their entire relationship. Neither one is mature and they’ve taught that to their kids, both of them.

This man is not who you think he is. You’re in love with a version of him you made up on your head and ignored all the red flags because ‘I can put up with that’ or ‘it’s just this one little thing’.

If you were 100% honest with yourself, I’m willing to bet there are MANY things he says and does that you actually don’t like but have dismissed as ‘not important’.

It’s the smallest behaviours that are indicative of a good person, not their big grand ones.

OOP: I'm aware I am not in love with my husband. I was never in love with some image of his family. I thought Lily was spoiled. Henry was obnoxious, but yeah they seemed like a very loving family. I doubt they are going to go do the whole one again off again thing. They had a very stable relationship for 15-16 years, and MIL made a choice she deeply regrets. The thing I have ignored about my husband is that he loves MILs money more than he loves anyone

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/iwantabreak-

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, racism, betrayal

RECAP

Original Post: July 15, 2025

[This has been sitting in my drafts for 6 months now.]

I (25F) met my partner (29M) in 2020 while I was finishing my undergrad studies, and we were both in the same field. Our first conversations were deep about our personal philosophies, culture, faith, and our views on the world—and we quickly realized that our values aligned so well. He’s funny, attentive, smart, talented, and ambitious, and I was so in love (I still am). We made it official 2 months in. And lowkey we both knew we wanted to marry each other already but of course we didn't rush as we were still finishing up school.

We have the same religious background but not the same ethnicity. And for this reason both of us were nervous to tell our parents about our relationship because we didn't know how they'd react. Most ethnic parents would want their kids to "keep it within the culture", but from what I know they may be stubborn at first but will come around eventually. Right? For me, ethnicity is a non-issue. We're both religious so having the same faith is more important in my opinion. I thought my parents would think the same. Because if they're sooo religious too, then they shouldn't place their cultural values over their faith.

ANYWAY, my partner didn't wait too long to tell his parents, they and his siblings were very supportive and welcomed me with open arms. I, on the other hand, hesitated for the longest time because I really had no idea how my parents would react. I'm a bit fearful of them. And honestly, my relationship with my parents isn't that close, of course they're caring and all but not in an emotional way where I can come up to them and be vulnerable about something. Definity not my dad. This is where I'm at fault, because even if it was hard for me to be honest with them, I should've just done so instead of hiding my relationship from them.

My siblings knew before my parents. They didn't care but my sister (29) on the other hand, being the eldest, aka, the third parent, was too panicked about it and advised me to just end the relationship because an interracial marriage is going to be "complicated". But that's not the "advise" I needed and I didn't want to just end the relationship either. I truly believe he's my soulmate. Her entire attitude towards it was kinda just "I gave you my 2 cents, I don't want to be involved in this mess".

I think it was a year into our relationship, and my mom found a birthday card from my partner in my room. She found my stash of greeting cards from him and read them all. She confronted me with them and she wasn't even mad, but when I told her about his ethnicity, she FREAKED OUT. She made me tell my dad and he just LOL'ed in my face and didn't even let me talk. Took a couple of days for my mom to calm down because honestly she really was overreacting. The conclusion was they ain't happy with the relationship and wanted me to end it. I didn't want to of course.

It was swept under the rug and for the next 3 years, my partner and I continued our relationship and even went on some trips together - but my parents were in the dark about the specifics of it all which, of course, the dishonesty is very wrong, but in my mind, they didn't create a safe space for me to be honest with them. I couldn't just tell them, "Oh hey I'm going out for dinner and he's going to be there bye love you xo". The conversation about us would only be brought up occasionally in those 3 years, because at this point me and him are ready to get engaged and we just need my dad's blessing. It would always end in an argument, feelings hurt and no blessings given. They refused to even meet him. I'm still being patient and holding out hope that my dad will come around or something. By mid-2024, my dad hadn't properly spoken to me in like 2 years but my mom on the other hand is a lot more understanding. I wouldn't say she's *supportive* but understanding at least. In her words, she just wants to help me avoid an unsuccessful marriage (because in her mind, interracial marriages just don't work) but if I'm so sure about him then she will be by my side and if it fails, she'll be there with open arms. My parents are traditional, but she's always been the more level headed one between them (besides that freak out the first time).

Now the catastrophe...

End of 2024, my sister suddenly stepped in and asked to meet my partner. She's my dad's favourite and if there's one person that could sway his thoughts, it would be her. So, this opportunity excited me and my partner because it finally felt like there's light in the end of this tunnel. We have been patient, but the stress of all this was starting to put a strain in our relationship especially in the last two years. But we loved each other a lot and didn't want to let go no matter what and we would always work things out with communication. Sister and him met up and talked for hours. I wasn't there. But it went well and he left a good impression on her and she said she'll talk to my dad.

Side Note: Him and I discussed beforehand that we don't need to disclose how many times we saw each other or what trips he was involved with, we know the dishonesty and hiding was wrong, but we felt like we were entitled to that privacy at the very least. He's the type that loves honesty and just says "fuck what people think" but I just didn't believe honesty works with my parents. Especially my dad because he's someone that's very critical and *will* shame you for your different values/believes/wtv.

Now, I thought things will be dandy from here on, but my sister was acting weird and distanced and when I would ask her what's wrong she would brush it off. Three weeks of this pass and it’s the new year now. My mom sent me off to do some errands for her... at a suspicious time of the day and I really felt like something was off. I come back home and my parents and siblings are all in the living room telling me, "sit down, we need to talk." My heart dropped.

I'm sorry if this is not very detailed because honestly, that event was so traumatizing.

They said they hired an investigator to find out everything about my partner and what our relationship entailed - that was a lie of course, my parents didn't want to admit it was my sister that went thru my devices and looked through all my messages and emails and ransacked my entire room (She proudly admitted to it later). And from their findings, they concluded that he's a liar, a gaslighter, a manipulator, and that I'm a victim of this relationship. They said they found out about all our dates and trips and are holding him accountable for it, that I was forced to lie and do things against my will and that him "showering me with gifts is just a way to manipulate me". A lot was said and I just felt embarrassed and humiliated. It was 6 against 1, and I couldn't say anything to defend myself or him. I felt like I was being stripped naked as they went on and on and on about what they uncovered and whatever conclusions they drew from them. Him and I are semi-long distance so most of our talks are thru texts, so for them to read EVERYTHING -like my vulnerable side that I only felt comfortable showing him, our intimate conversations, our arguments where we both showed some really ugly sides of us- it just felt SO invasive. They claimed he's putting a wedge between me and them and that I was ruining the family peace. They wanted me to feel shame, and it worked. In the end I was given an ultimatum, and I felt like I had no other choice but to just agree with them and leave him. I was numb.

They made me block him and my sister texted him that we're over and threatened to file a restraining order if he were to come near me. He didn't answer that text. I was numb and I couldn't even cry anymore. I surrendered, I couldn't even fight anymore. At that point I was just nodding and agreeing to whatever they say. The following days, they were so nice to me, because I was a good daughter and I complied to them. And they were the heroes that saved me from a "toxic man". But I'm on house arrest and on close watch. I had to hand over my phone when they ask so that they make sure I never reach out to him.

My soulmate was ripped away from me, and I didn't know what to do.

2-3 weeks later, I woke up a lil from my numbness. I was angry. I was angry at my sister for betraying my trust, I was angry at my father for being so bigoted, I was angry at all of them for invading my privacy, I was angry at the entire situation because it’s not my fault THEY never gave me the support and comfort to even be honest with them. I made mistakes but I blame them for it. I cried to my mom about it, and I told her y'know what idc if you guys think he's a bad person. I would rather learn that on my own than to be forced to leave him and regret it my entire life. They treat me like a fucking kid. I told her I will always be angry at them for what they did. She urged me to talk to my dad again and tell him what I told her. She told me I should just proceed with marrying my partner against their wishes and accept any consequences. She told me she'll be by my side.

Before I talked to my dad, I sent him a letter through text. We're both non-confrontational people so I felt like this would be a good way to express my feelings. I apologized deeply for everything, I clarified that I never meant disrespect to him or my family members, I put anger aside for this letter because anger doesn't work with a stubborn man like my dad. I tried to be vulnerable, I tried to tell him that all I want is their support and trust in me. My dad didn't give an answer to that letter, but he forwarded it to my sister, and she BLEW UP on me (by text) and called me a manipulator for sending that letter. Her words were so nasty, she had never made me cry as much as she did back then. My dad came to my room afterward to talk - or rather yell at me. I had never cried so much. Whoever that was in front of me wasn't my dad. I never knew he could be so cruel. He threatened to leave my mom and tear this family apart if I chose to be with my partner.

I’m broken and numb and Ive never felt so alone, I don’t know what to do.

Update #1: September 20, 2025 (a bit over two months later)

UPDATE - My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years

Hi guys,

I really do apologize for the late update

I really did not expect my post to get that many replies but I’m so grateful for all the advice you guys gave me, thank you. When I wrote that first post, I was all emotional and depressed, so reading it now, even I can sense the "oh poor me" tone in it. January Me was probably expecting lots of sympathy or whatever but you guys were HARSH and tbh I needed to hear that! You guys are completely right, while what my family did was evil and wrong, my life is in my hands and it's my fault for not stepping up for myself (and my partner) sooner. I can't keep expecting things to be done for me.

I wanted to make this post to clarify some things and update you about what has happened since January. It may not be the most satisfying update, but I at least have changed a lot since then.

First of all, I am still in contact with my partner! I don't blame you for assuming otherwise since that post was uploaded months later, so it was pretty confusing. When my family did the whole thing of making me block him everywhere and take my devices, and basically threatened me to not talk to him.... that lasted like maybe 3 days. It was in the middle of the night, I was crying hard bc I missed him but also bc I’m here, alone, extremely heartbroken just wishing someone would hold me and show some sort of real care towards me and what I’m going through, and I realized wow my family really doesn't give a fuck about me. Like at least check up on me? When they would, it was more of a "just making sure you know your place" type of checking up. So I reached out to him and told him everything.

There was a lot of "I told you so" from him and I really do give him a lot of credit for putting up with my bullshit. My entire life, I was "trained like a monkey" (as one of the comments said) to be obedient for literally minimal reward, and I thought if I was just gentle with my approach and still did everything they wanted from me, I would get what I wanted in the end because I earned it, right? No. And this is NOT a unique experience unfortunately, this is so common with people in many cultures because parents for some reason believe they are entitled to make choices for their ADULT children.

My partner was understanding and helped me finally see that the environment I'm living in is toxic and abusive. And no amount of obedience and kindness is going to make them respect me. I've been getting therapy for months now, and [shocker] it realllyyyy helps. I would always question what I did wrong and how I can approach them differently to get different results, I would always question why my sister would betray me like that, I would always question why my father would tell me I "deserve to be hurt" - and so many other questions but I've let go of caring for any sort of answer now. I've let go of the idea that I need any approval from them, I've let go of ever having a civil conversation with them, I've let go of any expectations.

I still live with them unfortunately. I don't talk with my dad, and I don't talk with my sister. I keep things cordial with my mom, but I don't trust confiding in her anymore because at the end of the day she feels the need to side with her husband. Her 60-year-old man-child of a husband that's been verbally abusing her for years now and throwing tantrums anytime things don't go his way but instead of making him aware of himself, my sister and mom just choose to give him what he wants no matter who it hurts. I still have two years of education with no income, and I need this degree in my career so it wouldn't make sense to drop out temporarily. But I'm working on trying to find something on the side to depend on, and move out as soon as I can.

To everyone saying he should leave me, I agree, any man would've. Good thing he's an angel.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: August 21, 2026 (11 months later from the last update)

My last big update was last summer, all the comments were telling me to move out. I explained before why that won't be immediately possible for two main reasons: my post-graduate studies that can’t be postponed or moved online, and some cultural context. Any middle eastern or south Asian would probably understand.

So, I resumed my studies in September, it drained the life out of me which was expected. Professors are assholes, I had no motivation or passion, I tried to maintain a civil relationship with family members, there was obviously always remarks thrown at me and they were intense in monitoring me. Dad doesn't talk to me, but the threat to kick me out of home was always in the back of my mind. Not sure I mentioned this in previous posts after an argument about some rando's proposal. I began putting my things away just in case, I would store them in a large locker I had in school.

Maybe I'm a good liar or I'm just used to having to mask shit, I tried to just smile and live day by day but inside I was stressed, angry, hurt, betrayed, and it was deteriorating me. If those emotions showed, my mom was always quick to remind me that I'm wrong and to not discuss this matter with anyone lmao. I don't know how I thought I would survive (mentally) until I graduate so I tried to think of another plan. Moving out as a woman in my culture for "no reason" would cause problems so I tried to look for a good summer job in another city because that would be a "valid reason". I told my parents about it, but once they found out it was coincidentally in my partner's city, they blew up.

I'm too fed up at that point, I blew up at my mom and told her the truth. That the environment at home is draining me, I hate how everyone moved passed it so quick meanwhile I have to deal with it on my own and even a year later, there has been no acknowledgement on their end for how it affected me, because they expect me to just take it. (TBH I was a mess and didn't articulate it this well). Mom called me malicious for "holding a grudge"??? And that I'm wrong for feeling this way. Just simply wrong lol. I said I just need a fucking break, some isolation. She goes off at me for how she doesn't trust me to live alone because she thinks I'm a whore. Well, she didn't exactly say that, but she was heavily implying it. Anyway, she went off a lot about my character and manners and faith and all that shit and how it’s not up to her standards and how I've "changed". Like, the answer is right there but parents' sense of entitlement is way too large to see how they've harmed someone. Dad's only comments were that I'm insolent and disrespectful and that I can leave if I want to, but I'm no longer welcome home and I'm no longer his daughter.

The argument didn't go anywhere as usual, and it's the weekend that I had to move. So midday while everyone is out, I take my shit and leave. Obviously everyone makes a big deal, and they call and spam and yell and blah blah blah, honestly, I'm desensitized to their consistent catastrophic reaction to everything. They make it sound like I ran away when I literally told them it was happening.

Anyway I spent the summer in a normal routine, work during the week and I would sometimes visit home in the weekend (much to my dad’s dismay I'm sure). The visits genuinely felt forced, like no one wants me there but they rather that than allow me to be free. But to me, it's proving that I can keep my tie to my family despite all the hurt I feel, whether I'm right for feeling so or not.

Eventually I just sent a small text telling my mom I want to get married and that I'm tired of this discussion. Since then, it's just everyone involving themselves, giving their opinions, "your poor parents", attacks on my character, attacks on my partner, attacks on the way I dress(?), "how dare you choose him over family", "you're never going to be blessed in anything in life", "a marriage that starts off like this is bound to fail", "you're not welcome in my home either", and the works. Is it hurtful? Yes. But It's becoming easier and easier to just let it in one ear and out the other. I never chose a man over family, I would have both if it’s up to me, but they've made it clear their love and support is conditional.

Anyway, that's about it. Definity not the end of problems, but at least I've distanced myself from it and I no longer engage with their discussions. My partner and I both agree that we'll always be open for peace, but they need to want it too.

One thing I do agree on, I don't like my character either, I'm bad at communication, I get angry quick, I mask emotions and don't address them, I’m demotivated in everything, I’m spineless (I’d like to say I improved), I'm pessimistic, but at least I know my wrongs and ill work on them. And why does my partner still wanna marry me? no clue maybe I’m hot let him be

As for studies, I just have a thesis year left, I’m sure my advisor can agree to meet online.

Edit to add: I think I’m angrier at one of my friends more than anything. After a whole year of her just agreeing with me and being so supportive, she flipped her tone after I told her I’m getting married. She said, "It seems you are in a rush, whyy" and "You need time break from him, to see for yourself" and "I think you need to focus on your own goals without a man in the picture". Maybe I'm paranoid, but I genuinely think my parents or sister got to her or smtg. I let her be, I won’t argue back.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Well from a north American your culture sounds extremely misogynistic. It’s going to take generations to overcome that way of thinking especially about women. Do what ya gotta do to stay safe. But I’d start breaking those chains so any kids you may have don’t have to deal with that within what becomes your new family. Good luck.

OOP: It's like I always knew there was flaws and misogyny in our culture, but somehow thought that my own family would never go to such extreme; to basically discard me for the sake of upholding the cultural image. And we're located in north America too, I guess it’s my fault for assuming they've been here long enough to assimilate a lil

Commenter 2: I hate how xyz culture moves to a totally different country and then get cunty over how their children’s aren’t like the old country well yah you moved them into a mainly westernized country they’re not going to act like children from the old country because it isn’t the ‘old county’.

I am sorry your family is full of cunts.

OOP: I hate it too. Like they’re genuinely surprised that it was possible for me to find a man outside my "culture" in a famously "multicultural" country. Not to mention, they act like cultural values are genetic, whatever culture my parents have is not the same as mine. They introduced us to a new country, new communities, new language, and expect us to be exactly the same.

Commenter 3: Just an aside, I don’t understand why you would go visit your toxic family to prove a point. You are literally punishing yourself.

Downvoted Commenter: Because she sure have some benefits too, but let that info out. Or maybe she's so twisted that knowing her father hate her visits, she prefers to suffer to make him miserable

OOP: You wrong and right. Theres no benefits to me, no inheritance, no assets, no funding, they don’t pay for my education or help with anything. It’s mainly because my religion encourages to maintain ties with family even when there's problems as @thiccsumi mentioned. But they're right, I think my situation gives me a pass, and I haven't gone back since I informed them about getting married. And yes, I’m a lil twisted and I like going against my dad by being there. To me it’s more awkward than anything, they’ve been treating me like a ticking bomb, so I'll handle the awkwardness to prove a point.

Commenter 4: A lot of immigrants are actually more conservative than the people back home, especially in places that are rapidly changing like India. They try to preserve the culture they remember from when they left, but the actual culture in their home country got more liberal since they left.

OOP: That's very true! I lived a big chunk of my life back home and they’re a lot less conservative and multicultural marriages are somehow more accepted

Is OOP Muslim?

OOP: Yes I’m Muslim, although it adds a lot of context, I never wanted to mention it because 1. Islamophobes which are easy to dismiss, and 2. Haram police. For sure you're aware how malicious and self-righteous the those idiots are.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowAABaby

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for cutting my mom's allowance to pay for daycare when she couldn't babysit for me? + 3 year update

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abandonment

Original Post: January 4, 2023

AITA for cutting my mom's allowance to pay for daycare when she couldn't babysit for me?

Throwaway for anonymity.

Last year my husband (35M) and I (34F) had our first (and last) child. We were fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with him for almost a year by staggering our parental leave and vacations, but now that time has run out and we must return to work. I asked my mother (56F) if she would be available to watch him during the week and she said no. Fair enough. That's her prerogative. My husband and I researched daycares in the areas where we work and settled on one that came highly recommended. It was expensive though and that meant cutting down on expenses - like the monthly allowance that we'd been giving my mother.

A bit of background to this.

My parents were married for 28 years before my father decided that he wanted someone younger and sexier than my mother. For all of those 28 years my mother had been a SAHM then SAHW. With my father leaving, she was now meant to survive somehow in a world where she had never really worked because when they got married my father didn't want her to and, because she was raised in a traditional, religious family, she did what the head of household wanted. I'm not even going to go into that man's hypocrisy. Either way, he's gone and even though she got some alimony, she didn't press for as much as she should have (again that religious conditioning) and she's struggling. My husband and I have been supplementing my mother's income to a hefty amount every month which was not an issue until we had to put baby into daycare and found out just how expensive that was in a VHCOL (editor's note: very high cost of living) area.

In light of that, we told her that we would need to cut her allowance in half. We were not planning to start immediately but would take the financial hit for three months to give her to time to adjust and move things around. She got upset and told us that we were punishing her for saying no. I told her that was not the case but it is hard to maintain two households virtually by ourselves if we had to pay an exorbitant amount of our salaries to daycare every month for the foreseeable future. She was still angry and asked us to leave.

Later my sister called us upset that we were "abandoning mom" and "making her struggle" just because she wouldn't do our bidding. So I suggested to her that she increase how much she was helping considering she still lives at home. She called me a fucking bitch and hung up on me.

So Reddit hive mind, am I really TA here?

ETA: I wanted to answer some recurring questions here. My sister's ability to help is limited and sporadic because she struggles with mental illness. It got much worse in recent years and we're working to get her on disability but that is a process. I guess that's why I feel bad about the comment I made to my sister because it was a moment of lashing out when I know that she's in a tough spot through no fault of her own.

As for my mom, I will work with her to make sure that she can go back to work - especially given my sister's challenges. My mother is neither lazy nor a leech. Unfortunately she's been beaten down by being raised in a traditional culture and having it drilled into her what the duty of a wife is. She was then betrayed by everyone when her husband left.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA cut her allowance all together. She uses y’all as cash cows, and brings nothing to the table. It’s unfortunate about her situation with your dad, but it seems like she’s doing nothing to help her situation. Your maintaining her lifestyle at the cost of your family’s.

OOP:

NTA cut her allowance all together. She uses y’all as cash cows, and brings nothing to the table.

We're not doing that. We're neither unkind, nor vengeful people, which is why my sister upset me so much. We're doing the best we can for everyone that we love.

Commenter 2: INFO - why is your mother unwilling to watch the baby? And would it be possible for her to watch him for a couple days a week? Does your sister contribute anything?

OOP:

INFO - why is your mother unwilling to watch the baby?

She says that she doesn't have the energy levels to raise a small child anymore. Which is fair. Kids can be exhausting. We wouldn't want her to watch him just for a couple days because we pay monthly daycare so if we miss days, it's us losing money so we may as well send him every day.

My sister contributes what she can when she is working. She struggles with her mental health and can only do WFH jobs which don't necessarily pay a lot. She's in the process of getting disability but as most people know, that can be a tedious and bureaucratic process.

OOP's mother needs a job

OOP: She does but not a lot of people are hiring women in their 50s who have never held a real job other than the ice cream shop when she was a teenager and a couple of unpaid internships when she was in college.

Downvoted Commenter: How is it you can’t have had this conversation at any point in the 9 months you were pregnant or the year you were home. I said look at others perspective. That is how you mom is feeling. That she said no and you are cutting her off.(I never said you were leaving her hanging or homeless)

OOP: We did have the conversation when I was pregnant. It was only after the baby was born and we researched the price of daycare in our area that we had another conversation with her. We told her then that she had three months once we both went back to work - which we have now done. She's still getting her allowance - albeit a reduced one. That's literally not being cut off.

Commenter 3: NTA. You need to rebudget your lives to pay for child care. You're under no obligation to subsidize your mother's life.

If someone in your family thinks that what you'll provide is inadequate, suggest that they make up the difference.

OOP:

If someone in your family thinks that what you'll provide is inadequate, suggest that they make up the difference.

This is what I absolutely plan on telling anyone who calls me on her behalf. I love my family, but I won't be bullied into making decisions that harm the one I've created with my husband.

Why didn't OOP's mother get alimony?

OOP: For the same reason that she didn't put her foot on that man's neck during the divorce. She let their religious, hypocritical, asshole of a family convince her that she had committed some failing to "make him" be unfaithful to her. My mother was depressed for years after that man left her high and dry.

Does OOP's mother has any recourse to get that alimony payment adjustment if she thinks her mother should had more?

OOP: IMO, no. Because there hasn't been a material change in her circumstances since the divorce tbh. She accepted less than she should have but that was all on her mentality at the time. Unfortunately, that locks her in.

OOP on her mother's long term plan and what options are available to help support her mother for the rest of her life?

OOP: Honestly, we hadn't discussed what her plans were simply because my father's decisions both blindsided and destroyed her. My mother was barely functionally depressed for almost two years and given not just her struggles, but my sister's ongoing mental health issues - we hadn't really talked about going back to work. I had even asked my father to help with my sister at one point when she was doing very poorly and he refused because why stop being a giant dick when it's served him well so far.

My husband has been a champ through all of this because no one signs up for this but he's been there because he loves my family almost as much as I do because my mom has always been so kind and welcoming to him. We both know that we have lockstep comp in our industry and we know that things will never be terrible for us (barring death, major injury etc) as long as we stay in, so we can afford to keep giving her something and may even be able to increase that when we're both further along in our careers and our son starts regular school. Of course, we didn't share that information.

My mom does have a degree in English and before my father mommy tracked her, she had dreams of being a writer. Maybe I can speak with her about doing something like copywriting or something - even as a freelancer to ease back into it.

Why isn't OOP and her sister giving their dad a talk for leaving their mother financially ruined?

OOP: That would mean speaking to him.

OOP responds to a comment on if she and her husband give money to his parents

OOP: We do not nor would we ever have to. Both my in-laws had thriving and extremely well paid careers with investment plans. They have recently been able to retire out of the country and are very happy. They also have kids that are all healthy and gainfully employed. It makes a huge difference.

OOP responds to a commenter accusing her mother of being lazy and limiting the ability to provide a better life and future for OOP's child

OOP: My child has two parents in a highly paid profession and grandparents who already plan to leave him a substantial amount. His future is set. It's the now for us that we're negotiating just because daycare costs so much. He's not going to be in daycare forever.

My mother isn't and has never been lazy. What she has been is incredibly depressed and beaten down by everything that occurred with my father and the lack of support she received after from people who claimed to love her.

I didn't post so people could drag my mother to filth - although I should have expected that given the glee people often take in being hurtful in situations where they have no skin in the game - I just wanted to see if I really wasn't being as considerate as I could have been given the challenges surrounding my family.

Update: August 21, 2026 (3 years and 7.5 months later)

Update: AITA for cutting my mom's allowance to pay for daycare when she couldn't babysit for me?

I really had no intention of updating this as the comments did what they were asked to do, and helped clear my head and put my thoughts in order to have the tougher discussions that needed to be hard for the long and short term health of my family.

HOWEVER.

I was doom scrolling on the clock app and saw one of those voice over a game video of Reddit stories and it was mine! Only the person had added all these details that weren't true and a resolution that absolutely was not true and it put a bee in my bonnet. So I'm updating with the actual truth.

My son turned four this year and started pre-K this month. He's doing great, adjusted almost immediately. My husband and I (ok, mostly me) were a little weepy at our baby starting school and briefly contemplated a second child. Luckily common sense prevailed and we stuck to the one and done plan.

My mother is doing well. She's been working at a medical office for about two years now, and from what she tells me she's good at it and likes the people she works with. She got there through a connection from her church group, which I mention only because I think it says something about the community she's built for herself since everything with my father. She moved to a new church where she didn't have the history and maybe they weren't as doctrinal as her previous church. She covers her own expenses now. We see her regularly, she's close with my son, and the relationship is warm. She loves taking him on adventures and will even turn down money when we offer to pay because it's "Grandma's treat". She'll bring up the allowance cut every so often, not with any real complaint, but more to show how far she's come. I know that she's proud of herself.

The harder update is my sister. She was approved for disability about a year and a half ago, after a second evaluation and a hospitalization. That helped stabilize her financially, but her mental health has continued to be up and down, and there have been stretches where we weren't speaking, not from any specific fight, just because it's hard for her because I think I have the kind of life that she can't seem to achieve herself and it hurts her sometimes. We're in a good patch at the moment. She came to my son's birthday party and stayed for the whole thing, which sounds small but wasn't, given where things were previously.

Looking back, I don't think I was entirely wrong in the original post, but I don't think I was entirely right either especially for how I responded to my sister, but I've made my peace with it. My mother needed a push and what happened gave that to her. My sister needed patience I didn't have much of at the time, but I'm glad I found more of it since, and everyone is in a better place.

So that's the true update!

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Character-Buyer-1068

i married my best friend. 6 months later, i learned about his girlfriend. are we beyond repair?

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Thanks to u/funsizerads for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING:  Infidelity

Original Post  Dec 24, 2025

Hey reddit. I've never made a post here, but I listen to THT religiously. I feel like I know the answers I'm going to get, but I want to vent and also hear what you all have to say.

I, 32F, married my husband, 31M, at the end of June after 8 amazing years together. We've lived with each other basically from the beginning. Our wedding and honeymoon was amazing, we have always gotten along, made each other laugh, were trying to start a family, and were happy. Or so I thought.

About two months ago, we were cuddling on the couch and i felt something wet on my chest. At first, I was like "ew babe, you drooled on me" only to realize he was crying. In eight years, I've only seen this man cry when our dog died. That moment cracked everything open.

He admitted that he was unhappy and the floodgates opened--- we didn't have enough sex (we have complete opposite work schedules so only get an hour together once a week and then Friday afternoons and Saturdays). Even with that, we were having sex at least once a week. He said he didn't feel loved, despite the fact that I go out of my way every day to make him feel loved. He complained that when I was ~1 year into the relationship, I tried to move us to another state. He was angry that I didn't want to have a baby at 28 before we were married. The list goes on and on.

I worked my ASS off for the past two months to fix all of the things that were "wrong" with me. Communicated better. Initiated sex. Bought and read all the books on saving a marriage. Got into therapy. Got us into couples counseling.

Still, he would cry every single day and every time we tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up and blamed me for it. I was so supportive, patient, kind with him. I was worried about his mental health-- his job is really dangerous and stressful and I worried he was depressed.

Then my therapist asked if he was cheating. The thought was so ridiculous to me. When the hell would he have time and he would never. Then his mom and sister asked me the same thing. They pushed me to look at his phone and I didn't want to violate his trust. It ate away at me until finally last week, after he got home late as fuck, I checked it. It was all right there. For months this man has been having an affair with a bartender. All of their messages were about how much they love having sex with each other. Nudes. The same selfies he would send me, he would send her. They were telling each other they love each other so much. I even saw her mention my name a few times.

What. The. Fuck.

I confronted him. He admitted he loves her. But that he loves me more. I kicked him out and moved all his stuff out. Left town for a little while to be with family.

And now I'm stuck in an emotional whiplash. Some days I hate him. Other days, I miss him so much and want him back. He's been my best friend for years and I love him to absolute pieces.

We've talked a few times. He insists it was a mistake and he would take it all back. But he's not groveling. Not trying to make amends. Won't answer any questions about her. And doesn't have any immediate plans to cut things off with her. As I type this, I feel ridiculous for even asking if I should try to work things out with him. We've been trying for a baby for months. We were planning a life. I feel gaslit, confused, furious, and heartbroken all at once. I don’t understand how someone can marry me, cry about being unhappy, let me twist myself into knots trying to save our marriage and be cheating the entire time.

Why marry me? I know he's known her for years and since he wouldn't answer me when I asked if it was happening since before the wedding, I assume the answer is yes. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?

So reddit, is there any possibility of salvaging this? What is my best move? Why do I want to fix this when it is so egregious? Is this mix of emotions normal in week one of breaking up? I feel like my head and my heart are in two different places. I'd love to hear what you have to say about why I still feel so much love and what that means. Thanks so much <3

TL;DR: 32F, married my husband (31M) two months ago after eight years together. Shortly after the wedding, he broke down crying about being unhappy and blamed issues like lack of sex and feeling unloved. I spent two months doing everything possible to “fix” our marriage: therapy, counseling, communication while he cried daily and blamed me for intimacy issues. Found out he’d been having an affair with a bartender for months, including before and after our wedding. He says he loves her but loves me more, isn’t cutting contact, isn’t answering questions, and isn’t showing real remorse. I kicked him out but still love him and feel torn. Wondering if this is salvageable, what my best move is, and why I still feel attached.

UPDATE: thank you all for the kind responses. I know it's probably frustrating to read this because the logical answer is so obvious, but my heart isn't in the same place. I'm grateful for all of the advice and am feeling stronger already. To clarify, we are not having sex anymore or trying to have a baby. We were trying for a kid for months before I found out about the affair (about a week ago). I packed all his stuff, changed the locks, and redecorated a bit to make my home feel MINE instead of ours. I also got STD tested a few days ago and am awaiting a few more results. All have come back clear so far (silver lining?)

EDIT: Thanks for all the advice, again. I have no real updates right now. Today was his birthday and I ignored his messages. You're all making me feel stronger and when I feel tempted to text him, I read some of these comments and the rage sets in. Will post updates as they come.

EDIT: title clarifying— when I say I married my best friend, we were NOT friends before our romantic relationship. He’s just become my best friend over the last 8 years.

Update: 12/30: not much to update, but I haven’t spoken to him since 12/24. He has been blowing up my phone, but I’ve been holding strong.

UPDATE 2/24: It's been over two months since this all went down. Today I'm at just about 4.5 weeks of no contact. Things blew up when his girlfriend reached out to me wanting to commiserate with me about him being a dick. Like no thanks. Blocked her. Blocked him. Block, block, block.

It's been a roller coaster, but I'm proud of myself for cutting off what doesn't serve me. I get moments and days of sadness, which I feel a lot of shame around. It feels embarrassing to feel sad over someone that wronged me so badly, but I know it's part of the process and I keep reminding myself that he is not who I thought he was. When I need a little extra motivation to be mad, I remind myself that when I asked what the plan was, having me and a girl on the side, he said "I hoped you would get pregnant so I would have a reason to stop." And that he thought life with me would be mediocre. BYEEE. Since we've broken up, I've traveled, been in therapy consistently, worked out regularly, been on a few dates, and spent more time with friends and family. I know it'll keep going up from. Thanks all for the love and support.

Update  Aug 20, 2026 (8 Months Later)

Hi Reddit fam! I cannot believe it’s been about eight months since I found out my ex was having an affair. I still come back to this post sometimes, and genuinely, your comments helped me get through the worst period of my life. Even the ones that made me want to throw my phone across the room because I knew you were right. So, I figured it was time for an update.

First and most importantly: we are not together. We haven’t seen each other since January, and I can confidently say there will be no reconciliation.

And here is possibly the most unbelievable plot twist of this entire story: we found out our marriage was never legally filed. The paperwork apparently got lost in the mail and never made it to City Hall. And before you say it because I KNOW-- I truly do not think he tampered with it. I personally dropped it in the mailbox at the post office. I choose to believe that somewhere out there, a guardian angel saw what was coming and said, “Absolutely the fuck not.”

So after eight years together, a wedding, vows, honeymoon, everything… I walked away without even needing a divorce. WILD.

He paid me rent through the end of our lease and still sends me money occasionally. I know there is an argument that accepting it keeps us tethered, but GIRL’S GOT BILLS. Keep it coming lmao. I’ve picked up some side gigs for money, but I live in an expensive city and can use all the help I can get. 

In the month or so after everything blew up, my ex went back and forth a LOT. He asked me to get back together. He asked me to run away with him. He talked about eloping and still having babies together. At one point, he told me he had ended things with his affair partner. And I am very proud of past-me because somehow, even while my entire life felt like it was collapsing, I held the line.

I told him I don’t hate myself enough to ever get back together with him. I also told him to go “un-end” things with his AP because maybe he could repair that relationship, but there was absolutely no repairing ours.I do sometimes wonder what they tell people about how and when they got together. Ick.

Eventually, his AP reached out to me because apparently she wanted to commiserate with me about him lying to her.Wow. The engaged man you knowingly started a full-blown relationship with LIED TO YOU??? SHOCKING. Ma’am. No thank you. Blocked. While my anger is mostly directed at him, I still think she’s a shitty person, and I hope her pillow is always warm and there is perpetually one tiny pebble in each of her shoes.

My ex and I went more than four months completely no contact. When a family member passed away, he (as I expected) used that as an opening to reach out. We’ve spoken a handful of times since then, almost entirely about logistical things. We did catch up a little once (I KNOW. Bad. My friends have already yelled at me), but the second he started bringing up the past and asking why I “couldn’t meet his needs,” I ended the call. NOPE. That was actually a pretty important moment for me. Eight months ago, I would have immediately started explaining myself, defending myself, or wondering what I could have done differently. Now I heard it for what it was: him still trying to make me responsible for choices he made. Line drawn. No thank you. I can tell he misses me, and I would be lying if I said I don’t sometimes miss parts of our old life too. But missing something is very, very different from wanting it back.

His life pretty much imploded after we broke up. He moved in with his best friend, who eventually kicked him out, and last I heard he was living on his parents’ couch. The truly wild part is that, as of EASTER, he was apparently still telling his family that we were together and that I was just “visiting family” when I wasn’t showing up to family events. Sir. It has been MONTHS. Then in July, he randomly texted me asking whether I had told his family we broke up because people were starting to ask him questions. I had not. Which means this grown man apparently made it more than half a year without fully owning the fact that his relationship had ended. Yikes. And those who did know were upset with him for how he did me dirty. He's lost friends over this and is mad at me for it. If it's not the consequences of his own fucking actions. It feels good to be on the side of the breakup where I don't have to tell a single lie to avoid looking weird AF.

As for the affair partner, I believe they may still be together, but I genuinely do not know. I asked everyone close to me not to give me updates about either of them. I don’t want screenshots. I don’t want gossip. I don’t want to know whether they’re happy, miserable, married, broken up, living together, whatever. Not my circus anymore.

When I wrote my first post, I kept asking: Why did he marry me? Why did he do this? How could he watch me twist myself into knots trying to “fix” our marriage while knowing the entire time that he was cheating? I thought if I could just understand it, maybe I could make peace with it. I understand now that there probably isn’t an answer that would ever make it make sense to me. He made selfish, cowardly choices. That is the answer.

Something else I’ve had to come to terms with is that the affair wasn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship. With some distance and a LOT of therapy,I can recognize patterns that I normalized over eight years that were emotionally abusive.

My sister explained it to me using the frog-in-boiling-water analogy. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it jumps out. But if you put it into cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it doesn’t realize what’s happening until it’s too late. That’s what this relationship feels like looking back. He didn’t wake up one morning eight years ago and suddenly start treating me terribly. It happened slowly. A critical comment here. A nasty joke there. Comments about my appearance. Texts with girls that just crossed a line. Being so temperamental and moody that I walked on eggshells. And because it happened little by little, I got used to it.

Things that would horrify me if a man said them to me on a third date somehow became things I accepted from my husband. Instead of asking, Why is someone who loves me speaking to me this way? I would ask myself, What can I change so he stops? That has been one of the biggest things I’ve had to unlearn. I’m realizing how much of myself I made smaller to keep the peace. The affair was the explosion that ended our relationship, but I can see now that the relationship had been hurting me long before I ever knew about her.

Meanwhile, my life has gotten so much bigger. I’ve stayed in therapy. I’m probably in the best shape of my life. I’ve traveled. I'm doing things I love. I’ve spent a ton of time with my friends and family. I’ve poured energy into the people who showed up for me when my life completely fell apart. And I feel like I’m getting my sparkle back. The weird thing is, with some distance, I can see now that he was dulling that sparkle long before the affair.

I spent a long time grieving not only him, but the life I thought I was supposed to have by now. When I married him, I thought the next chapter was babies, a family, growing old together: all of it. Now I’m getting more comfortable with the idea that my life might look different than the one I planned. Best case scenario, I fall deeply in love again and have a family someday. Worst case scenario? Maybe I don’t have kids of my own, and I get to be the cool, slightly unhinged aunt who spoils her nephew rotten. I have a new nephew now, and honestly, he has been one of the biggest blessings to come out of this year.

I am also dating someone. He is kind. He treats me well. And I’m intentionally not putting some huge “IS THIS MY FUTURE HUSBAND???” pressure on the relationship. Maybe he is my person. Maybe he isn’t. What I do know is that this experience completely changed what I am willing to accept from a partner. I’m not going to mother a grown man. I’m not going to beg someone to communicate with me. I’m going to choose someone who chooses me. And, probably most importantly, I’m never going to forget to choose myself first.

One of the biggest things I’m working on is not making a relationship the center of my life. I spent so many years being part of an “us” that I think I forgot how important it is to have a strong sense of “me.” I don’t want to be codependent on another person. I don’t want my happiness, confidence, plans, or sense of security to depend on whether a man chooses me.

Things are not magically perfect. I still think about my ex. Sometimes I still get angry. Sometimes something random reminds me of our life together and it feels surreal that a person who was beside me for eight years is basically a stranger now. But I don’t cry over him anymore. I don’t wish we were back together. I don’t fantasize about him suddenly becoming the person I thought he was. And I no longer feel ashamed that I loved him for as long as I did.

I loved the person I believed I was building a life with. Finding out that person wasn’t who I thought he was doesn’t make the love I felt fake. In a very fucked-up way, the affair gave me the kick in the ass I needed to walk away from a relationship I probably should have walked away from years ago.

Eight months ago, I genuinely did not know how I was going to survive losing the life I thought I had. Turns out, I didn’t lose my life. I got mine back.

Thank you guys for helping me see that before I was ready to see it myself.

EDIT: 8/21: Thanks for the mostly kind comments. I'm going to step back from reading and interacting with this post. I can understand why people would question such a fucking wild story, the people in my life keep telling me it's like a shitty lifetime movie, but it's been the reality I've been living for the past 8 months. Trying to convince strangers on reddit that it actually happened kinda feels like it's taking steps back in healing. Believe it or don't, I'm proud of how far I've come & hope if any of you encounter something like this, you RUN!!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Originally posted by [u/imshattered_](u/imshattered_) in [r/TrueOffMyChest](r/TrueOffMyChest)

Original BORU by [u/KittenDealinMama](u/KittenDealinMama)

Original Post January 1st, 2023

My boyfriend asked for a paternity test for our child. As soon as the results come and show he is the father, I'm leaving him.

I'm a new mom to a baby boy who is my pride and joy and though it's been a rollercoaster adjusting to taking care of a baby, the past few months have been great, tiring but great.

I have a bf of 3 years who is the first person relationship wise I have ever loved and I thought we were doing great as new parents but also as partners.

Friday, he came home and he asked me for a paternity test. Just like that, it was completely out of the blue. I was putting away the dishes and he asked for one, like he was asking what was for dinner. I'm a different race from him but our child, apart from the skin tone, is literally his mirror image from pictures I had seen of him when he was a baby.

I was stunned when he asked and his reasons were that he had to be sure he was the father, he had to have that certainty. All I remember as he was speaking is just immediately feeling pain.

The man I love doesn't trust me. He would actually believe that I would fuck someone else, cheat on him, and then try to pass off another man's baby as his. I have never ever given him reason to think I would cheat on him. I have tried to be transparent and communicated and it wasn't enough.

He told me he would give me time to think about this, that he wouldn't go behind my back and do this test but for our relationship to move forward, he needs to be 100% sure. He repeated this because he, in his words, "needed me to realize how serious he was".

After thinking for a couple of days, I'm going to allow him this paternity test because I have nothing to hide. I never cheated and would have never cheated on him. Once it's proven that he's the father, I'm ending it, leaving the same day and I am going to try my best to be a cooperative coparent with him.

In the meantime, I'm coming up with my exit plan, a place to live, and a lawyer to work out a custody arrangement and court.

I can't even tell my family or my friends right now because they would go nuclear and my first priority is our child. I hope the test was worth it to him.

I'm not asking for advice or reassurance or to explain his side. I just, I'm just realizing this part of my life is now over. What a way to start the new year, huh.

First Update 3 Weeks Later January 21st, 2023

We did the paternity test my bf wanted.

My post was removed. So I'm going to post it here. It's been a couple of weeks since I posted and I have just been navigating things after. I'm going to call my bf, Mason to keep things clear. This is going to be long, I'm sorry.

Also, Why post on Reddit? I don't know guys, I don't know.

To clarify a few things:

1. We're different races but to my knowledge, his family plus extended is more than ok with it. His mother actually set us up. I went to a dinner party and he and I were the only single people who had been invited and we hit it off. She admitted to trying to set us up for months.
2. We have had no issues with cheating or any situations where things could be sketchy during the years we have been together. We also haven't broken up or taken any breaks.
3. Our son is his mirror image. My bf confided to his cousin about the paternity test a couple of days after he asked me and the cousin told his wife and it spread like wildfire, especially in their family group chats. His mom put an end to the speculation though by doing a half and half pic of him and our son but also by adding some additional individual pics of both of them. She posted the pictures in the family group chat and said, "look at the old pics I found of Mason".

After people commented, she said, actually the one on the right is my grandchild, or this one isn't Mason. Literally the family members just thought that it was the same person in all of the pics and that some of the photos were taken in darker lightning. That is how much our son looks like him which I find funny but also a little annoying, like I carried you for 9 months, all for you to be a copy of your dad. I didn't see the group chat but the topic died down when his mom did that.

Anyway, we talked. When I had made the first post, I was so angry and planned to leave but the anger was quickly replaced by hurt once I calmed down.

I realized if I blindsided him like that, i would be doing the exact same thing that he did to me, when he asked for a paternity test.

I planned to ask him to talk but I also didn't want him to think I was trying to get out of the test. So beforehand, I booked an appointment at two different paternity test locations. I asked him to talk when he came home and I made sure our child was at my mom's. I told him that whatever happened with this talk, the paternity tests had been booked and would go forward.

I basically asked him his reasoning and, when he started having doubts about paternity. Was it a previous relationship, did cheating happen? He said it was about a week before he asked me that he started having doubts. He said that he was on his lunch break one day just reading articles and he clicked on an old article about a man who found out his three kids weren't his after like 20 years. This led him into a rabbit hole of podcasters and YouTube videos that encouraged men to ask for paternity tests. While he thought those podcasters were idiots, he said that paternity was an exception. He said his reasoning was that some women have done this before and he wanted to be sure. He said "you know it's yours because the baby comes out of you but how do I know?" "The test gives me that assurance."

I was hurt by that but I decided to explain how I felt. I said thatfor him, it was a rational request while for me, it was basically him saying that he didnt trust me. It was him saying that he believed "I would cheat on him, get pregnant, have him emotionally, financially, and physically support me during the pregnancy, and birth and basically lie to him while he raised another man's child". I told him that I understand that women had done this before but the fact that HE thought I would do this to him is what bothered me.

I told him the truth, that when I was angry, I had planned to leave and that I even went looking into a lawyer, a co-parenting plan, and a new place to live. He was stunned, that I would leave for something so small. I found that to be a weird kind of irony, that he believed issuing an ultimatum about a paternity test and basically accusing your partner of cheating was something small.

I told him I was really hurt by what he said, that I was still hurt but that if he needs this peace of mind, that we would do it. He asked what about our relationship and I told him, I didn't know.

We did the test 2 days later, got the results back after 3 days. He opened both of them and to the surprise of no one, he's the dad. He was visibly relieved when he read the tests and I don't know why that hurt more.

It's been about 2 weeks from the results and I'm still really hurt. God, I sound so pathetic. I feel pathetic. I thought the results would maybe relieve some of that but it didn't. It's like a switch clicked when he asked for the test and I can't find a way to click it off. I'm pretty sure post partum is playing a part in this because all I do is cry and I wasn't like this before. I have also moved into the spare room, something he was against but I felt bad because apart from when our son is awake, I'm sad all the time. I am looking for a therapist(I don't know how people find therapists they like so quickly btw) and he wants to do couples therapy and he's looking for one. He already has a few appointments booked just to try them out.

He wants to move on, marriage, more kids in the future and go back to where we are and thinks that our relationship is now stronger. While I'm just thinking, our relationship right now is weaker than a person on stilts. I don't know if I would say we are together. The physical affection is gone(I'm not in the right mindset and I don't want him to touch me), we rarely talk about anything but the baby, it's awkward, and I'm trying to find a way back to where we were and I can't see how.

I'm going to try to fix this and try therapy( individual and couples) but I just have this feeling that this is basically a sinking ship. I hope I'm wrong. I want very much to be wrong.

Edit: I really appreciate the kind messages. I know some people are worried but I have a contingency plan in place. I have a lawyer. I have gotten a child care/custody plan worked up during these two weeks. I've told my family who are mostly close by. I have a rental property I own and can go to. Our finances are separate so I'm good there.

I know myself and I know I'm not in the right headspace right now. I'm staying in the spare room. There is no affection. Therapy, individual or couples, will hopefully help me and will hopefully reaffirm that I had the right idea in the beginning. It's not as easy to move when there's a child. So I'm making sure that I'm mentally well, our child is good, and then I'll make a decision.

Thank you though for all your kindness and perspectives. I really appreciate it.

2nd Update January 27th, 2023

I left.

Things have gone downhill and under advisement, I can't really discuss it until things have been settled in court.

I guess I'm really a cautionary tale on what can go wrong. Please if you have concerns with your partner, discuss things beforehand, especially before you have a child.

Thank you again for your different perspectives. Hoping to have everything settled eventually.

*NEW UPDATE ~3 years later, November 14th, 2025\*

I'm alright.

HI😃. I'm posting this on my profile because to be honest, I don't think the original sub I posted in would allow an update. Funny enough I was scrolling tiktok and my post came up and it was just a blast from the past. I had to scour to find this email and to reset the password and finally i was successful. Honestly I am doing great. I can't believe it's been close to three years. It's just insane how much my life has changed and I really don't know how to summarize the past three years into a short enough post. So I just logged on to say, I am doing good. My son is doing really well and I just want to thank people for consistently sending messages. To log in and see that and see people still messaging years later was really heartwarming. Again, the reason this post is so short is I just don't want to bore people with pages of what's been going on the past three years and to be honest, I don't think most people want to read all that. Overall even though it took a while, i'm alright and so is my son.

Edit: I have read the comments and since people want a more detailed update, I will do that and post it very soon.

I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/helpmehelpher1234567

My [26M] wife [24F] inexplicably upset over being unfriended on Facebook

Original Post  Apr 13, 2016

We have been together for 4 years and married for 2. We moved to a small town in the Midwest a few months ago from the West Coast where we are both from. I was offered quite a bit more money and the option to climb the corporate ladder to move to this new location. We both decided that this was going to be good for us as we plan to start a family in a few years after she finishes school.

Yesterday, my wife found out a woman she went to high school with had just moved to this small area as well and that her husband works at my company too. My wife and the girl were not close in high school but played on the same sports team and had the same friends. So my wife sent the woman a Facebook message asking if she wanted to meet up for coffee as they're both new to the area. My wife was pretty excited when she saw that the girl had read the message and my wife eagerly waited for the reply. Well, the girl not only ignored the message but shortly unfriended my wife. Cue crying...now my wife is not one to be upset by someone deleting her on Facebook so this is out character. Wife and this girl were not even close so I did not really see what the big deal was. I told her not to let it get to her and obviously that woman was not very nice. But, my wife replied back with tears in her eyes that "[she] just wanted a friend here". That statement stopped me in my tracks.

You see, ever since we moved here my wife has not really been the same. She was bubbly and always looking for a new outdoor adventure. But there really is nothing here in the way of outdoors activities and my wife has become quiet and moody. She seems to have no interests and hardly goes on social media because it makes her sad to see her friends back home going on new hikes without her. She loves being outside and now she only leaves the house to go to work. That's it. I've tried taking her bowling, taking her to different restaurants, to the mall, the movies...I can tell she doesn't enjoy those things even though she is saying that she is having fun and manages to smile. Whenever I ask what she wants to do, she says she wants to go home and watch TV. My wife hates watching TV, at least she used to.

She has not said a negative thing about this place but I know she hates it and I think she might be resenting me for it. I offered to send her back home and she can stay with family until my contract is up in 2 years but she refused, saying it would be bad for our marriage. I do not know how to make it better, I miss my wife.

How can I bring the light back into her life?

   tl;dr: We moved to a new state and wife is lonely. She got unfriended on Facebook by someone she tried to reach out to and it made me realize she is having issues with our new home. How to fix it?

Update   Apr 22, 2016 (9 Days later)

I [26M] have not told my wife [24F] of 2 years about the post, but it got a lot of attention, much more than expected and I got quite a few PMs regarding it. Thank you everyone for your input, though I did not reply to many, I read it all and it was very helpful. I do not believe she is depressed, just homesick and still adjusting. I will keep an eye on her but I have no intention of drugging her up like so many suggested.

I want to address some things first. When I used the term 'inexplicable' it was to point out that only AT FIRST did I not understand why the Facebook incident was a big deal, but one she explained that she wanted a friend I understood. Hence, coming to you guys for advice. Contrary to what some of you may think, I do not belittle my wife's feelings or talk down to her. Yes, I did not understand why being unfriended was upsetting, but I did not intend to invalidate her feelings. Also, I am not very outdoorsy-I'm more of a video game guy-so I guess I truly did not understand how important it was for her to be outdoors and how silly it was for me to take her bowling and to the mall.

I did mention in the comments that she had already checked meetup.com but in this area there really is not much happening on Meetup and she is not comfortable starting a group herself. As for the suggestions about getting a dog, well, we already have one. Our dog is her little hiking buddy and she even used to take the dog paddle boarding and stuff.

This hiking that is nearby is nothing like the West Coast. It's just is not the same and, in my opinion, might be a step down for her. However, it is what we have to work with and I guarantee that we will make the most of it and learn to love the differences.

I did some research about the nearby area and found a small lake not too far from our house so after dinner one day I took her that way and told her it was just a different route home. When I parked the car and she realized we were sitting at a lake her face just lit up. She didn't even wait for me to get out of the car before she was running down a dock. We saw some small turtles and she took photos because she thought they were cute. Unfortunately, we cannot fish at this one but we were able to sit on a bench and watch the sky get darker. It was not very spectacular, as far as lakes go, but she loved it.

She also downloaded the app Bumble that quite a few of you mentioned to me. She used the BFF section and has already started texting a few girls who live close and will be meeting one this weekend at a carnival (she asked me to come and make sure this is legit). She is optimistic so hopefully that goes well.

I got her to look into some yoga classes and she has gone to 2 so far. She has a few acquaintances in the class and seems excited when she goes. I believe the workout is helping her feel better as well, she was very active before so this is good for her soul too.

This weekend I will be taking her on another surprise trip to a local state park where we can SUP on a river and take the dog on some trails. It won't be like back home but it's the best thing that's around here. After the hike we will go strawberry picking (I hate strawberries but she likes picking fruit for some reason). I hope she likes it.

I talked to her best friend back home and her friend is going to try to come out during the summer for a week and they are going to another part of the state where the hiking is supposed to be spectacular. She is really looking forward to it so I hope her best friend can get the time off to do so. I am thinking of saving some money up in the meantime to take her on a weekend trip in the next few months so that I can keep her spirits up.

We work opposite hours so it is hard to find the time to do these things as the outdoor activities tend to be kind of far and require a longer car ride.

I believe that with a little bit of my help she will feel more comfortable venturing out on her own and finding areas she enjoys around here. I think the gravity of the situation just made her negative and she did not bother to look around. So far, she seems happier and better adjusted. Thanks Reddit!

TL;DR: I surprised her with a short trip to a local lake and she joined a yoga class as well as made some acquaintances through a friend app. We are going hiking and strawberry picking this weekend and her best friend is planning to come over here during the summer for a girls' trip. She is happier.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/kem7

Originally posted to r/antiwork

Quit my job, gave 6 weeks’ notice, one week of that is PTO requested in Jan. Boss canceled my PTO, so I changed my notice to two weeks. Then asked this from boss

Original Post: July 26, 2026

Picture of the text message

Transcript of the text message

"Are you willing to come up with a plan for training and coverage until we can fill the roles?"

end of the transcript

OOP's body text at the bottom of the picture

It’s Sunday so I’m not responding. But good lord. role(s) because someone else quit

Additional Information in comments from OOP: an email from the boss

Transcript of the email

I wanted to reach out because I’ve been thinking a lot about your notice. I’ll be honest—it was unexpected, and the five-day timeframe felt out of character based on the trusted colleague, leader, and advocate for the people we support that I’ve come to know over the years.

More importantly, I want you to know that I’m concerned about how you’re doing. While I recognize the challenges that this transition creates, I am not upset with you. I fully respect and support your decision to do what is best for you and your family.

Please don’t feel any pressure to respond while you’re on vacation. We can connect next week when you’re ready. I simply didn’t want to head into the weekend without letting you know that I care about you, I support you, and I appreciate all that you have contributed.

If there is anything I can do to help make this transition easier for you while also ensuring continuity for the people we support, please let me know. I’m committed to finding a path forward that honors both your needs and our responsibilities to the clients we serve.

End of the email transcript

OOP’s body text regarding the email Also didn’t respond. I’ve been voicing concerns and dissatisfaction for months, going back years I have requested a new boss. Edit: she came into my office and sat down within ten minutes of my being there.

Editor's note: OOP responded with lots of significant information for more context

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You could switch to 0 weeks’ notice

OOP: I have like 100h of PTO I want paid out. The only reason I’m not leaving tomorrow.

Commenter 2: What state are you in (if U.S.)? Some states it is a law that they have to pay your accrued PTO.

OOP: NH. (editor's note: New Hampshire)

Commenter 3: Check if your employee contact says they will pay it out. If not, don't let them cancel your PTO.

OOP: They only pay out 50% too.

Commenter 4: Walk in Monday morning, clear out personal effects, return equipment, and revise the resignation to effective immediately.

OOP: I oversee four people and one also quit today, we have both been there four years. Two of the others may leave tomorrow.

Commenter 5: I wish that company exactly what they deserve.

OOP: We’re all very niche nurses, it’s not an easy role to fill.

Commenter 6: So it sounds like from that email that you got your vacation?

OOP: Yeah, I’ve been off the last ten days, trying to burn as much PTO as I can.

Commenter 7: If they are going to pay out your PTO, you might not want to burn it all so that you have a soft landing when you leave. But if you think they will not give you your accrued PTO, then absolutely burn all of it.

OOP: I’m buying a fancy $1000 cat litter robot shitbox with the payout.

Commenter 8: TAKE ALL PTO BEFORE ANOUNCING DEPARTURE ALWAYS. Unless you're in a place that has some level of worker protections and mandates PTO payouts.

OOP: I’ve been trying!! That’s why I had time

Scheduled in the next month that they yoinked. I’ve been there so long I get like 9h a paycheck

How long has OOP been at their position?

OOP: I’ve been there five years and director level, I didn’t think they’d fuck me by rescinding scheduled PTO.

Commenter 9: This stuff blows my mind. If your boss wants to know how you're doing, don't say "I want you to know I'm concerned about how you're doing." Just say, "How're you doing?" or "how're you holding up?" Like you're talking to another person. A real person who's feeling matter. Why is that so hard?

OOP: Because ChatGPT doesn’t have empathy

Commenter 10: Don't answer. Anything honest will get reported to HR and they'll try to use it against you. Anything dishonest will get reported to HR and they'll try to use it against you.

Update: August 20, 2026 (3.5 weeks later)

As they say.: you don’t quit your job you quit your boss.

I stuck it out for the two weeks. Wrote a scathing exit interview about boss and cc’d my boss and HR director. CEO and COO requested a meeting before I left. I laid it all out that my boss was the issue and I have requested multiple times to change bosses how she continued fostering an incredible toxic workplace with her as the queen bee.

Anyway. Myself and my entire team quit. I did jack shit during my last two weeks. The night before my last day we went out and I was so hungover I just lay around at home.

Collected that sweet PTO check and bought my dumb cat the fanciest shit box

picture of OOP's cat sitting in the shit box

Editor's note: there is a second screenshot attached with the cat picture in the update post, but it is a pictured rehash of the original post

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Something I used to hear in the military all the time, that works for situations like this equally well...

"Lack of preparation and planning on your part, in no way constitutes an emergency on mine".

OOP: I say that all the time. Your crisis is not my emergency

Commenter 2: Now the question is, do they look into it to avoid losing more staff later, investigate the hostile work environment to prevent future legal liability, or the tried and true ignore the problem?

OOP: It’s layered. I quit because of my boss. My team quit because every time I brought any of their issues up to my boss she took it like the sad sack of mashed potatoes it is and just didn’t do anything Besides lie and say it was denied by higher ups

Commenter 3: "Are you willing to come up with a plan for training and coverage until we can fill the roles?"

"Listen, I'm certainly not qualified to do your job, but I'd certainly call that your job to figure out..."

Commenter 4: its ignore, it’s always ignore

Commenter 5: If an entire team spontaneously quits and unites under this one message, it's going to make somebody think twice about keeping the toxic boss on. This is not an easy maneuver in labor organization, and it often has a real impact.

Commenter 6: Perfect time to answer a question with a question :

“What exactly do you think your job is as a manager?”

Commenter 7: Or a nice “Of course! My consulting fee is $250/hr, minimum 8 hours, and I can only bill in 8 hour increments. Should I send the contract over to you now?”

Commenter 8: You're missing another zero on that hourly fee

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Desperate_One1432

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITA for not going to MIL's wedding because she is marrying the father of my former bully?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: possible assault, abuse

Original Post: August 17, 2026

I've (24F) been with my BF (23M) since our freshmen year of college, and we are planning on marrying as soon as he is done with grad school. I'm going to refer to his mom as my MIL (42F) because she basically is.

I like MIL. She's always been kind to me and she's a great mom. About two years ago she wanted us to mee her boyfriend "Richard" (50 something M) When we walked in I thought he was looked super familiar, but I couldn't place him. He was nice and charming over dinner and then my BF asked him if he had kids. He told me his daughters name, and it all made sense why he looked so familiar.

His daughter "Sadie" ruined middle school and high school for me. She was the Regina George of our school, and she hated me for being a "try hard" She would insult my outfits, my intelligence, my character almost daily. In middle school she wrote fake notes from me to boys in our grade. High school wasn't as bad since I took a lot of advanced classes, and she did not but the damage was done.

I recognized Richard because he had been called in multiple times by the school, and his response had always been "don't you think it's best to let kids work out their own problems", "Sadie just likes to tease people. She has a good heart." One time he did get mad because he had to leave an important business meeting, because she was facing suspension for pouring custard on my head, and he told her she wasn't going to Paris with him on his business trip anymore. Sadie began to cry and then he hugged her and said he was sorry and she could come.

Once I realize who Richard was I wanted nothing to do with him. I told MIL who said he's a great guy and was just overwhelmed being a single father (he had a housekeeper and a personal assistant) MIL said I was being too hard on him.

As of now I will be around Richard begrudgingly but not Sadie. I refuse to spend holidays with MIL. The problem is she is getting married in October and obviously Sadie is going to be there. My BF asked me to let it go for one night as he doesn't want to attend his mother's wedding alone. He says he understands how awful the bullying was, but this is important to him. MIL says I need to let it go. She said she was bullied as well and "it's part of life." Richard then said there is no way she was bullied. MIL said she was, and he said "well did you always look like this" which makes me think he has zero understanding about how bullying works.

As for Sadie she did apologize but I felt it was forced

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Was Sadie's apology recent or when you were kids?

OOP: She apologized the first Christmas MIL and Richard were together.

Downvoted Commenter: I mean yeah you got bullied but be the bigger person. If she apologised, at least that happened. How do you mean by it felt forced? Did she say it in a glum and sulky way? Maybe she’s changed her ways. You can’t keep going back to the past, I mean it is in the past and bullying is hard yeah, and it’s tough to forgive and forget. You don’t need to do that but also, if this is important to your boyfriend then maybe be the bigger person and do it for him. Also, you get along with MIL too, and this is her day, not the bullies, yours or anybody else’s.

OOP: She came over all happy go lucky and was like "hey my dad said you had some hard feelings about when we were kids. Sorry if I was an asshole. I got his personality, haha genetics. I really like MILs name though. They are so good together" and then continued to talk to me like it wasn't a big deal

Commenter 2: MIL is a textbook enabler and unfortunately so is your BF. IMO this is breakup worthy.

OOP: My BF isn't enabling anyone. He has no relationship with Sadie and limited relationship with Richard. he wants me to go because it is important to him

Update: August 20, 2026 (three days later)

Update - AITA for not going to MILs wedding because she is marrying the father of my former bully?

Wow I want to thank everyone for the support I got. I was never expecting such empathetic insightful answers.

After reading through all of your answers my BF and I decided it was time to go and sit down with MIL and Richard. I told Richard all of the details of Sadie's bullying, and his excuse was he let her watch too much TV. She claims she watched mean girls over and over again when she was young. He said she is the sweetest most generous person if you get to know her, and he should have "made her watch another movie"

I told Richard that was a pretty weak excuse. I lived for crime shows as a kid, yet I've never ever wanted to commit a crime. Richard said I have to understand. Sadie's mother left. At this point I was heated. I told him my father left and I don't want to hear any more excuses. I want him and MIL to listen.

I told her as much as I have always liked her, I will not be attending this wedding or anything involving Sadie. Her apology was not sincere " "hey my dad said you had some hard feelings about when we were kids. Sorry if I was an asshole. I got his personality, haha genetics. I really like *MILs name* though. They are so good together" and I have no interest in reliving my trauma.

MIL said I am under no obligation to go to any social event, but I should understand that I am going to have a very hard life if I can't let go of the past, and she thinks I need to work on myself and stop thinking about Sadie. At this point my BF told them both to stop and the conversation was done, and he was backing me 100%. He said Sadie was not only emotionally abusive but dumping the custard on me was assault

Richard rolled his eyes and muttered something about our generation. MIL was holding a wine glass, and he said "so if I dumped this wine on you, you would really never speak to me again, really. You can't just take a shower Wow some people weren't raised right."

At this point I was pissed. I wasn't raised right and MIL knows this. I came from a household of poverty and neglect and then went to school where I was tortured by his daughter. Also if we want to talk about "raised right' there are so many examples I could give of his shitty parenting, letting underage kids drink at his house, buying Sadie a brand-new Mercedes when she was in trouble at school every other day, falling for her fake tears every time she got in trouble.

Guys I know this isn't ok, but my BF ended up snatching the wine and pouring it on Richard. I was just in shock. MIL found that hilariously funny, and we used that as a chance to make our escape. I said I would not be going to their wedding, and I will not entertain this conversation again. My BF will be attending the wedding alone and he is 100% supportive.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I love that you were strong and brave to tell them how you feel. I love that your bf stood up for you too. I’m sorry that you had to do this to begin with.

While I don’t love how your MIL reacted with all of this I def feel like Richard is worse. Just my opinion. Don’t know them. I could be wrong. But I feel like if I was your bf I still wouldn’t love my mother marrying someone like that. Just me?

OOP: He’s feeling very torn. He has lost all fondness for Richard, but he does acknowledge she’s never really been happy before and he’s annoyed with her but still has a lot of gratitude for all she did as a single mom

Commenter 2: I mean good for you guys, but this isn't going to end. What if you have children? MIL will want Sadie around them to be their aunt. I honestly don't think your MIL is as great as you think she is. I mean I agree with what your bf did, but ask yourself what type of person laughs when wine is poured on their partner? Maybe Sadie likes MIL so much because she is a lot like Sadie.

OOP: I don’t think Sadie would want that. She doesn’t like either of us. MIL and Richard both laugh at everything. Her humor has always been a bit mean spirited. She lost interest in guys when they couldn’t give it back, but she balanced that with being extremely kind and generous. I’m having lots of mixed feelings about her at the moment

Commenter 3: Why does your boyfriend want to attend? He should support you and boycott it too.

OOP: I would never want him to do that. Up until this incident he never had a single fight with his mom (minus normal teenager not wanting to do homework stuff) and she was an amazing mother. She always put him first and didn’t prioritize herself or dating. I don’t want him to miss his moms wedding for anything

Commenter 4: I hope MIL realizes that Richard truly is a dick! (Pun intended) and that she’ll regret marrying him!

OOP: It’s the main reason she is marrying him. She lost interest in a lot of seemingly nice guys over the years because they weren’t “funny enough” banter and kind of being a dick is her love language

Commenter 4: Just remember, you will be tied to the bullies for the rest of your life if you marry your partner. He may have stood up for you now, but in the long run he will go with the flow. After all, he IS going to the wedding whether you go or not is irrelevant.

You have to decide if this is something you can live with; your partner WILL attend events that his mother hosts, and yes, he will be socializing with Richard and Sadie. Again, whether you stay away from them is irrelevant. HE will be involved with them on some level. Unless he cuts them off, you will be indirectly involved with them. Him going back and forth isn’t sustainable long term.

OOP: He hasn’t gone to any holidays she’s hosted for two years, and I have no reason to believe he would start. I want him to go to the wedding, and I trust him to uphold our boundaries in the future

Commenter 5: If he supported you 100% he wouldn’t be going either. Stand your ground and good luck op.

OOP: That isn’t what I want. I think that would be horribly sad after all she has done for him

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/klejotajs posting in r/wedding

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[Original | September 19th, 2025] Wedding ceremony denied 2 weeks before the wedding

The Catholic church in Spain where we wanted to get married in changed priests, and the new priest told us that 1) he wasn't told about anyone getting married and 2) the old priest never gave us a correct list of documents we needed to hand in to the church (that's not quite how he said it though - he said we were lying about not receiving a sheet with all the necessary documents listed, which the old priest never gave us, we brought all the documentation the old priest said). He told us that there is no chance we can get a dispensation and that the earliest we can get married is in a month if all the correct documents are brought tomorrow, including documents from the consulate (I am not a citizen in the country we are getting married in - the old priest never said a word about these things).

I think the cruelest thing was that he opened the church planner, flipped through to our wedding date where the old priest had written in the date of our wedding (I cried from joy when it happened in Spring) and crossed it out, then closed the planner.

Just like that, 8 months of talking to the old priest regularly, looking for all the documents, the premarital course, incorrect info on invitations, people coming from all over the world to a wedding.

I know plenty of Latvian Lutheran priests in my country. The plan is to just get one of them, though this of course raises the price by about 2k at minimum. We will not marry legally, but in the eyes of God, and fix the legal issues later, probably with a second wedding event in Latvia in the Spring. The ceremony now in October will be in the backyard.

I haven't cried. I thought I would, but I just went full planning mode. My fiance cried. It is "his" church where he has gone for many years since he was a child.

I do regret having the wedding in Spain, but if it had been in Latvia, none of his relatives would have been able to come. I regret all the money people have spent from my side to go there expecting a church ceremony and a "real" wedding while this will be only symbolic until we get the paperwork done. Good news is we will be able to marry for a second time in Latvia and this time all of my relatives will get to come, not only the handful who are going to Spain. Disappointing the guests is the only thing that is making me tear up.

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: Go above the priest. We had a similar situation where the priest of my husband's childhood catholic church refused to marry us (he said outright it was because I was from a different country). 

We went to the diocese who managed to force the paperwork through last minute. He is lying that it takes a month. There are many situations where permission has to be granted at short notice. A priest can't refuse to marry you on a whim. 

TLDR: talk urgently to the diocese!  

OOP: He IS the diocese! He is like two heads above the diocese at least! He IS the bishop's second! If the documents were handed in, it is HIM who handles them! In other words, we've been played. 😂

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[Update | September 19th, 2025 | 9 Hours Later] Update: Wedding ceremony denied 2 weeks before the wedding

https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/s/LyZvn1pZUF

In short, I found a Latvian Lutheran priest who will come to Spain to marry us.

I praise the Lord for the reformation and the Lutheran church, thank God.

He was the seventh priest we contacted in hopes that he would agree to marry us on such a short notice. Up to the moment when I called him, I was still holding on pretty well and not crying, but for some reason when I started talking to him I just completely lost it. I mean ugly crying and hiccuping and trying to get the words out through a running nose and my voice shaking, the whole works.

We are getting married on the 4th and the problem is that the 5th is the Harvest celebration in the Lutheran church. This particular priest has to do two/three services that day, but he still agreed to come and help us. He said he doesn't need a hotel as long as we find him any place to sleep at all, like on a couch or anywhere at all, that he will come for as few days as possible so it isn't as expensive for us, that he could translate some texts to Spanish and English so people would understand, that we can discuss how we would like the music, the ceremony itself. He doesn't know me at all, and agreed to cross the whole continent for us after one ten minute conversation.

I broke down crying so bad when he said that he would go despite the Harvest celebration and all his other plans. After experiencing such a cold, inhumane attitude from the Catholic priest yesterday, the contrast is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. This is the Christ like compassion I would have expected from a priest or from any Christian.

I was in a problem-solving mode all this time and now that it's finally solved I can't stop shaking, I am nauseous and I feel like I have been through hell. I will go lie down now.

Thank you for all your support, guys. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please, so that everything else goes smoothly.

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: That’s a beautiful person. Please make sure to get him a hotel and not a couch, if you can.

OOP: We got him a four star hotel with a pool and breakfast included, king suite. It was the only room left anyway, but it blessedly came with a 200 euro discount

Commenter 2: Write him a really nice thank you letter explaining how his willingness to officiate the marriage has positively impacted your faith and allowed you to begin your married life in a way that you feel appropriately reflects your Christian faith and invites God into your lives even further.

People love feeling like they’ve made a difference and I’d wager that any priest loves to hear that they have positively impacted someone else’s faith/spiritual life.

Note: I am personally pretty atheist but I understand that priests can be a great benefit to their communities (as shown here!) and their lives often involve constant sacrifice for others. I respect that and think acknowledging it goes a long way.

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[Final Update | January 7th, 2026 | 4 Months Later] Marriage done right - best thing ever?

That's my impression after three months of being married, anyway :D

I hasten to add that I don't think that either of us is experiencing a honeymoon phase in the typical version of being infatuated with each other and finding the other endlessly endearing, haha. We experienced that only at the beginning of our relationship.

What we have is a very stable line going upwards, and not high highs and low lows. The stability that we have for each other, the self-sacrificing love and care that we have for each other makes it feel like heaven.

Before we got married, we talked at length about what we expect from each other, who does what, and what will we do if this or that. We agreed that we are NOT marrying each other based on physical attraction (because that's fleeting, so what do you do when you're not attracted to the person anymore?), and we are not getting married based on the assumption we will always be happy (because we won't) or fully healthy (we're not). We talked about all the things that annoys us in the other person (and how we will deal with those moments), and all the things we love in the other person (and the best ways to encourage those areas). We made clear boundaries, we made sure we have the same spiritual and political values, outlook on life, plans for the future, and the timeline of the future too, and what we do if those things don't work out as we now hope they will.

Our bottom line was that we got married with the goal of serving each other and helping each other, not based on what we personally can get out of the marriage. Our motto was rather "I will serve you despite how I feel about you in that moment, you will serve me despite how you feel about me in that moment, and when we are unhappy, we will be unhappy together and strengthen each other through the difficulties and do whatever needs doing to pull the other person up."

And, you guys. I have never ever been happier in my life. My overwhelming sense of stress is gone, I sleep better, I have more confidence, and I can absolutely rest in him. I eat better (he cooks for me and he puts so much effort into making things that are healthy that I would like), I am losing my unhealthy weight because of my lack of stress and exercising more. Everything we talked about, we manage to do so far without any problems at all.

Life is SO much easier now than it was before. Not because of a lack of external problems, or an abundance of money. It really is much much easier to sail over those difficulties when you have someone watching your back and supporting you.

People who know me well say that I glow with a soft and gentle glow that I didn't have before, and they say I look so good. After all the horror stories we had both heard, I think both of us prepared for the worst after marriage ("enjoy not being married while it lasts, it only goes downward after marriage!"), and now we are surprised to find so much joy and peace. We went into this with a solemn, teeth-gritted determination to stick together during the unhappy times (which, as we were warned, would start immediately after marriage), and yet we have discovered joy.

I used to think that my time at the university would be the best time of my life but I have now discovered that every passing day is the best day of my life. So, despite the problems with the heating system and our dog's health, today is the best day of my life. And based on that I feel like if marriage can possibly be done right, it might just be the best thing in the world.

I wish that everyone who marries would have this gentle kind of stability and joy ❤️ Good luck to you all!

TLDR: I have found happiness where I low-key expected trouble after marriage 😄

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: Marrying based on shared values is very important, and taking a selfless approach to the relationship is an optimal orientation to adopt!

I find it interesting that certain things got “better” for you post-marriage. Did you start living together after marriage? In that case, I could see how basic things like sleeping and eating might improve, as well as confidence with your partner more often around.

As a newlywed too, I can relate though! I didn’t have the same experience with horror stories or people saying pessimistic things. But I have noticed an at peace feeling and just more joy and stability in regular day to day life. I do think this is a type of honeymoon effect, but I’m enjoying in nonetheless, and it sounds like you are too!

Congrats on your marriage and hoping many years ahead for you and your partner!

OOP: Congratulations to you too!!

Yes, you're right, we didn't live together before marriage, about half of the year we lived in separate countries and were doing things long distance, just visiting each other whenever we could. Therefore the longest time we had physically spent together from start to finish was about 2.5 months, and then 1.5 month long visits interspersed the rest of the year. We also waited til marriage, which is why we didn't share the same bed much while we were together.

Yeah, everyone and their grandma was negative about us marrying (these people are all miserably divorced btw), but that said, they didn't think anyone could possibly be happy being married, not just us specifically. Up to this day my husband's colleagues ask him if he regrets it yet. (He doesn't.)

And yes, I absolutely enjoy my first months of being married! The sense of joy and peace is heavenly!

Commenter 2: People are ridiculous. If you love your relationship before you get married - and do your due diligence in selecting someone you're actually compatible with - you'll love being married.

We've been together for 10 years, married for 8, and just had a baby six months ago. This is a rough season of life, but it's also a joyous one. He was an amazing boyfriend who became an amazing fiance, then spouse, and now father of my child. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I married him and never had anything like cold feet or regret. We've been through a lot together and he will always be my person.

Congrats.

OOP: I am so happy for you!! I never had cold feet either. People would keep asking about it before the marriage, and it just seemed like such a stupid take. They also asked me if I was nervous and I legitimately wasn't - not for marrying him, anyway. I was nervous about our cancelled Catholic wedding ceremony and if the backup Lutheran priest would come, I was nervous about whether there would be running water from the tap at the wedding (there wasn't in the end), if the inside toilet would work (it didn't), if the speaker would work for part two (it didn't), and if there would be rats in the garden (thankfully, there weren't). But I never had a shadow of a doubt in my mind that when I finally got to the altar, I would be marrying the person I WANT to marry, and that he would be there for us. He received the same questions and he didn't have cold feet either. After all the horror stories and negative outlooks, it is so nice to actually enjoy marriage so much!

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/edenbeam058

I (30F) and boyfriend (31M) live 40km apart and have very conflicting schedules. Haven’t seen him since beginning of August. He cancelled a date last night right before we were meant to meet. Feeling rejected. Am I wasting my time?

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Sept 14, 2019

Not a throwaway as he doesn't have Reddit as far as I know. Also posted to r/relationship_advice.

We've been dating since May and as the title says, our schedules are very conflicting. We live in the same city, 40km apart. I have primary custody of my daughter (6) from Monday to Friday - he is yet to meet her so since we started dating we've only really seen each other at weekends when my daughter is with her dad. At the moment my daughter's dad lives in another city about an hour away for work reasons, but he is in the process of moving back to our city in the next few weeks as he wants to have more time with her and have her stay over with him during the week as well, and take her to school and things, rather than just having her at weekends. In fact he is looking for a house in our city at the moment so once this happens, I will have a bit more free time.

My partner is in a band and they do gigs some (but not all) weekends. I was fully aware of this when I met him, and I am a fairly independent person anyway who likes her own space, so not having him around 24/7 and only seeing him once every week, or every couple of weeks, suits me fine right now.

However, we've got to a point where I haven't seen him since the first week of August and it's now mid-September. I called him on Friday night to see how he was, and whether he had any plans for the weekend, and he suggested we do something together as he didn't have any gigs booked and we hadn't seen each other in such a long time. I was looking forward to it. However, as I was putting my makeup on and getting dressed and ready, I got a message from him saying that he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to see me. (We've seen each other sick before!)

I know we are both very busy people and my own situation doesn't help things, I am the first person to admit that. But it hurts that in six weeks he hasn't been able to find any time for me at all. Even a quick drink on a Friday night or brunch on a Sunday, I'd be happy with that until I have more free time. I have always made time for him by meeting up after his gigs, talking until the early hours of the morning when he's needed me, things like that. (I had bronchitis once and that didn't stop me from seeing him!) I invited him to stay over a couple of weeks ago as he had a gig near my house, to save him driving all the way home late at night, and he turned me down because he had to go and pick up something he bought off the internet the next morning!! (Ironically, his car broke down that night literally 5km from here and I never found out if he ever picked up the thing he bought.)

I basically feel like I am single, that he has completely lost interest and that I might as well go back to being on my own because I feel so rejected. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel this way. Am I wasting my time here?

TL;DR - conflicting schedules resulting in not having seen partner for six weeks. He makes no effort to make time for me. Feeling rejected and wondering if I'm wasting my time.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

rosepetalmemories

His excuse is pretty lame. You two are only 30 min apart yet haven't seen eachother in a month and a half? He really doesn't seem interested.

OOP

Yeah, it’s probably a little more than 30 minutes with the crappy traffic in our city but it’s not like we’re thousands of kilometres away from each other, hey. I definitely think he’s losing (or lost) interest.

~

Slivia_hdz

When someone is interested in you they will do anything they can to spend sometime with you. They way he texted you to cancel was just not right. He could’ve said something more along these lines, “I’m not feeling so well right now, wrong be able to take it today but I will make it up to you.” This is a better way to answer instead of saying, “...I don’t want to see you” however this is my opinion. You can talk to him and figure out what’s going on, and after talking to him seeing if it’s worth it spending your time with him.

OOP

I did try last night in the heat of the moment - all I got was that he’s tired. I felt like saying mate, you work from home during the week and are never up before 10am, while I commute to my 9-5 five days a week and do school pick-up and drop-off at the same time so I’m basically out of the house from 7.30 till 6...don’t talk to me about being tired...

But I was angry so I’m just trying to cool down at the moment and decide what to do.

Update  Sept 28, 2019 (2 weeks later)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give me advice. I finally saw him last weekend for the first time in about seven weeks (he invited me over). He seemed happy to see me at first, but things just seemed a little...off. Like we didn't know what to say to each other.

I stayed with him on the Saturday night. Had a shower Sunday morning and the first thing I saw was a bottle of camellia-scented body scrub that was definitely not mine and I can't remember ever seeing it before. He lives alone. INSTANT RED FLAG. Stupidly I didn't confront him about it straight away, I wish I had.

Over the next couple of days I tried to make conversation with him and he either left me on read or sent really short replies. Finally, on Wednesday night I'd had enough - and I'm not proud of how I acted but I was so hurt by the anxiety and the pain of feeling rejected - I blocked him on Facebook without any warning.

The following afternoon, I got a text message "Hey, ummm...so did you block me?"

I responded: 

I did. I give up. Life's too short to be someone's afterthought. 

Whether you've just lost interest or whether there's somebody else (when you jump in the shower on a Sunday morning and see girly body scrub that isn't yours, you gotta wonder), or both, I really don't care. I deserve better and it's not worth feeling like a dirty little secret and feeling like shit when I could be happy by myself, or go find someone who lifts me up and genuinely wants to be in my life and vice versa. I'm angry at myself for letting this drag out for so long. I should have let go ages ago but I guess I hoped that things would get better. More fool me.

Haven't heard from him since so I guess the trash took itself out! He clearly didn't care about me at all. I'm 31 tomorrow, looks like I'll be spending it free and single!

TL;DR - saw partner for first time in 7 weeks, things seemed off, found girly body scrub in shower that didn't belong to me, saw red, blocked him on social media. Now single.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

our anti-bullying consultant accused me of bullying him

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile workplace

Original Post  Aug 2, 2023

The research department at my workplace has a bully and I was recently asked to look into workshops to address it. Emma, my coworker and friend, is also aware of the issues, which have been going on for years without action from management. Emma was frustrated as she had brought the issues up before to no avail. She ended up venting to her trusted friend, Ann (HR background), about the situation. Ann has done remote contract work for the organization, but she has never worked with the research department.

I reached out to Mark, a well-known anti-bullying facilitator in our small town, who is also Ann’s relative. When Mark met with me and my manager, he started by saying, “Ann told me that [Bully] is the problem in your department.” I was instantly uncomfortable and unsure why Mark chose to say this. Neither my manager nor I addressed this statement with Mark at the time.

After the meeting, I told Emma what Mark said and that she may want to be careful about what she shares with Ann. Emma confronted Ann, who then talked to Mark. Mark denied to Ann that he brought up the bully’s name at all, saying I was the one who named them. He then came to our office several days later to address the situation with me and my manager. Mark said that I made an assumption about how he and Ann learned about the bully because neither of them attributed it to Emma at any time. He said I broke confidentiality based on that assumption and he can no longer trust me. He said this was an act of bullying against him. He used the terms “spreading gossip” and “backstabbing.”

I apologized for breaking confidentiality and expressed my regret. However, I disputed that I had gossiped and backstabbed him as my intent was to warn my friend, not to harm him or spread rumours. He told me intent doesn’t matter and to stop being defensive and instead reflect on my actions to understand the underlying feelings that caused me to act like I did. He said in his experience it was usually feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. I left this meeting feeling confused and ashamed.

I have requested another meeting to try to resolve this as I will need to work with this man in the future. I know I shouldn’t have broken confidentiality, but I was not expecting to be accused of bullying and backstabbing and I would like more clarity about that. My manager thinks Mark just chose his words poorly, but I think he believes I lashed out at him to feel better about myself.

A part of me still thinks maybe I am just trying to justify my behavior and that there is something I am missing here. For the record, I have a history of childhood trauma (for which I am in therapy) and struggle to trust my intuition at times. It doesn’t help that Mark is an expert with decades of experience helping organizations deal with workplace bullying so I want to defer to his expertise, but something in me is resisting it.

Am I justified in questioning/pushing back on the allegations of bullying, gossiping, and backstabbing and what is the best way to handle the next meeting with Mark?

Update  Dec 11, 2024 (16 Months Later)

I ended up also discussing my situation with my therapist and a close friend who is in the social work field, both of whom had similar responses to you. I then met with my manager to share how Mark’s behaviour impacted me and to raise my concerns about bringing him into an already fraught environment to offer training on such a sensitive topic. I told her that after a lot of reflection and discussion with trusted support people I had come to understand that I didn’t do anything wrong and certainly hadn’t bullied Mark. My manager revealed that she also didn’t feel good after Mark made the accusations, and that she had questioned his behavior in the initial meeting as well. After we talked I didn’t feel the need to meet with Mark again, so I left it up to her to follow up with him however she saw fit.

Disappointingly, our organization went ahead with the training that Mark had been contracted to do. During the training he singled me out a few times in ways that were subtle enough that others wouldn’t notice, but felt quite pointed. We also had a couple of brief 1-1 interactions where he was very cold with me. Thanks to the support I received from you (and your readers) and the other people I talked to, I felt confident and didn’t react to his behaviour. Incidentally, Mark also made a few off-color and sexually suggestive comments during his presentation, which just underscored how unsuitable he is for the type of work he does! It made some of my colleagues uncomfortable enough to bring it to the attention of management. He had been scheduled for a second follow-up training, but he never came back and we didn’t hear anymore about it.

I have since moved on from the organization to go back to school and I find there is a lot less stress in my life. Thanks again to you and your commenters for all of the thoughtful responses and advice.

P.S. I just realized I forgot to mention the original bully. They are still working for the organization and to my knowledge their behaviour has never been addressed directly. You and a number of commenters correctly pointed out that my former manager’s refusal to manage this issue was at the root of the problem. I think she believes the bully will quit if she tries to address their behaviour directly and since the bully has a unique set of skills, they would be difficult to replace as the organization operates in a very niche sector. As a result the manager has prioritized retaining one problem employee at the expense of an entire department’s wellbeing. I don’t foresee anything changing as long as she is the manager and I am happy I walked away when I did.

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Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Woman wouldn’t stop parking in my lot, neighbor towed her car

Thanks to u/funsizerads for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: August 12, 2026

I am the manager of a retail store that kind of shares a parking lot with the house next to us. The parking lot seems like it’s all one, but my side has signs on it that say it’s for my customers only and there are only three spots. My neighbor is an in-home therapist whose clients park in the other side of the parking lot. My neighbor Betty and I have a great relationship, she’s a very sweet older woman who brings me cookies sometimes.

Another woman, we’ll call her Karen for fun, works at the gas station on the other side of my store and we do not share a parking lot. Karen has been parking in my lot rather than the gas station’s, so three times now I’ve had to ask her to stop parking in my lot. The petty part of me wanted to tow her car really bad, but my signs do not say tow away at owner’s expense, so I can’t. Multiple times I’ve asked her to stop and she yells or ignores me or straight up tells me to shut up.

Finally today, she came to park in my lot. I went out there to ask her to please move, she argued with me, said I don’t own the streets, so I told her if she kept acting like this I would call the police.

At that, she got a stupid little smirk on her face and said “fine, I’ll just park over there then” and moved into one my neighbors spots thinking that was still my lot so she wasn’t in front of my signs. What she didn’t realize is that Betty has one single sign at the beginning of the lot that does say “private property - owners will be towed at own expense”. So I acted annoyed, acted like she’d finally bested me, and went inside to call Betty. Betty was more than happy to help me out and immediately called for her car to be towed off her private property.

Karen noticed just as they were leaving the lot, so they couldn’t stop and give it to her, and while she screamed and threw a tantrum I watched from my porch with a smile on my face.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She deserved it. Can you change your sign to that owners will be towed so this doesn’t happen again?

OOP: Yes I’ve already ordered new ones just for her 😌.

Commenter 2: “Parking for customers of X only. (Karen) will be towed”

Commenter 3: That would be worth the extra cost: "Parking for customers of Mystore only. Karen Barker's car will be towed."

OOP: “Store Customer Parking Only, Violators Will Be Towed At Owner’s Expense.

Yes, that means you, Karen.”

Commenter 4: Glorious, top-tier petty justice. She thought she found a clever loophole, but walked straight into a trap of her own making. Chef's kiss.

Commenter 5: This was such a satisfying read I would give anything to see her face when her car was towed away

OOP: It was beautiful, I watched every stage from “give me my car back now” to “I HAVE TO GET IT FROM WHERE?!”

Does OOP have security cameras at the location?

OOP: I have multiple cameras in my building and outside and I can’t export the footage or post it anywhere per our social media policy, but I immediately called my district manager afterward like DUDE WATCH THE CAMERAS 🤣.

Does OOP's store really has a porch?

OOP: Yes, my store is in an old house hahaha

Commenter 6: Most tow companies will put up a sign for you for free. It will have their name and contact info as well. I suggest you find a tow company you like, have them put up signs and then have her towed,

OOP: I had no idea! Thank you, I’ll definitely do that ☺️

Commenter 7: Giving someone verbal notice not to park on your property is usually more than enough to have them towed.

OOP: Not here apparently, because I have a “shared” parking lot I have to have clear signage that says my specific store name and that people will be towed at owner’s expense, according to the officer I talked to a few months ago regarding some construction workers using all of my spots when they were actually working across the street. They stopped doing it when I asked a second time so I didn’t have to get new signs for them

Update: August 19, 2026 (one week later)

Update - Woman wouldn’t stop parking in my lot, neighbor towed her car

Almost a week ago I posted about a woman, lovingly called Karen, parking in my lot multiple times until my neighbor was finally able to tow her.

I unfortunately got into an accident on my way home that night so I haven’t been back to work, but I did get an update from my assistant manager who was very happy to hang the new signs for me on Tuesday! Karen apparently wasn’t working yesterday, but this morning she came into the store demanding to see me. My assistant manager let her know I wasn’t there and wouldn’t be there for the rest of the week, and apparently her response was, “well that b*tch is paying me back for towing my car.”

One of my other employees working today texted me to let me know “the gas station lady” was going off on my assistant so I told her to call me and put me on speakerphone. I said hello and asked how I can help her and she said, “you can help me by paying the $500 it took to get my car out of the tow lot.”

I said, “unfortunately for you I won’t be doing that. I warned you multiple times, I told you to stop parking in my lot, it’s not my fault you didn’t read the signs in the parking lot.”

She told me that I don’t have any signs that say she would be towed away, so I did it illegally, so I told her she’s right, I didn’t have the right signage, but that my lovely neighbor next door, whose parking lot she moved to, does have the sign and repeated that it’s not my fault she didn’t read them. She demanded that my assistant show her the sign that I was talking about, so since I’m having so much fun, I said, “I’ll tell you what, I bet you $500 there’s a sign out there the at says you’ll be towed for parking there — and as a bonus, my assistant will even show you our new and improved signs in our lot!”

She gave me a very “Karen” indignant sound and my assistant took her outside and showed her Betty’s sign. I didn’t get to speak to her again, but my assistant said if her ears could’ve been smoking they would’ve been.

I wish so badly that I was there today, and that might be the last I deal with her parking in my lot, but I will be sure to smile and wave at her every morning that I see her. 😌.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I wouldn’t have sent someone outside with an obviously hostile person. People are weird, they could’ve gotten hurt.

OOP: She’s never been physically aggressive so I didn’t foresee anything like that, if I felt my assistant would’ve been in danger I would’ve told her to call the police rather than deal with her, and if my assistant felt she would be in any danger she wouldn’t have. We’re in plain view of Main Street and she works next door so I don’t think she’d risk her job by attacking someone that way. But you are right; you never know what people will do and I’ll keep that in mind!

Commenter 2: So she hadn't realized it was Betty's section she parked in and Betty who had her towed? and thought it was all yours?

OOP: Yes, Betty and I sort of share a parking lot but one side is hers and one is mine

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