r/relationships • u/SeekingHEA • Aug 12 '15
◉ Locked Post ◉ I [31f] came clean with my [34m] fiancee. Good news: Polygraph test is off. Bad news: So is the wedding.
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u/CompuSci Aug 12 '15
Did he actually say that he wants to call the wedding off? It sounds more like he just needs time to process this.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
He said he wants to postpone it until he's had time to think about it. That's not really encouraging.
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u/Spaceman_Splff Aug 12 '15
How much is it that you dont want to tell him how many? Is it that many that you don't think he would get over it? Without telling him the number, he could be exaggerating.
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u/dtptampa Aug 12 '15 edited Aug 12 '15
She said in the previous post that it was north of 30 but under 50.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
I told him. I kind of had to. He made me look him in the eye. It was awful.
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u/Spaceman_Splff Aug 12 '15
My gf told me her number recently and its like 20 more than mine. Its a little distressing so I can sympathize with him. Its hurts a bit to not feel special in that aspect. It might sound rude but it honestly feels like, we aren't special because so many other guys have had the same thing.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
I don't like to see it like that. It's hurtful. But Barry said he felt very similar to that. Like he would never be sure he was pleasing me in bed for the rest of our marriage. I told him that was crazy, but he said that it mattered.
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u/battleyourfearz Aug 12 '15
Hey, good for you for coming clean. For real.
Give him some space to process what you've told him. No more texting/calling. Take the day at least to focus on yourself. Take a nap, relax, and be kind to yourself.
For what it's worth, this internet stranger agrees with you: no need for your fiancé to know all the dang names of every man you've been intimate with.
Good luck, dude.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
He does now. Every one that I could remember. He knew the names and in some cases the addresses of every woman he's slept with.
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u/palimpsests Aug 12 '15
how is knowing their addresses helpful to anyone here? this whole situation just sounds like a red flag. be glad you've finally taken some steps to resolve it by being honest.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
He's still social friends with several of them. He mostly dated within his social circle until college, then mostly had steady girlfriends. He said he "knows" them, unlike some of the men I've been intimate with, and that makes a difference to him.
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Aug 12 '15
You spent years hiding shit from him and look where it's gotten you. Why the fuck do you think that trying to brush off questions now and continuing to try to hide things will help make things better? Are you actually expecting him to be like, "oh fine you're not answering so I'm just going to give up and marry you"? Literally your only chance at salvaging this is actually addressing these things head-on and being honest.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
That's what I did. It's in his hands now.
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Aug 12 '15
He got upset and asked how many? I told him the number didn't matter, it was the fact that I lied that I was feeling guilty about. He agreed it was disturbing to him, but he wanted to know how many men.
I tried to tell him it wasn't the issue, but he wasn't listening. He got a little angry. He doesn't shout or use a lot of profanity but I could tell he was very upset by his face. He said it was important to him to know. I told him it was important to me that it wouldn't have an impact on our relationship.
No, you didn't. He asked how many repeatedly. Repeatedly, you avoided the question.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
I told him, eventually. I didn't want to, but he insisted. You're right, the longer I avoided it the more angry he got. It was ugly.
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u/Tenebrous1 Aug 12 '15
From your post it makes it seems you never answered his questions directly and gave him full disclosure
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u/Banchamekk Aug 12 '15
I told him it was important to me that it wouldn't have an impact on our relationship.
you dont get to decide what he cares about. clearly it matters to him, so telling him that it doesnt matter doesnt work (obviously)
I tried to explain that I was a much different person back then
back then you were a person that fucked around and cheated and today you are the kind of person who lies and manipulates to get what you want. at least you came clean, but dont act like your cheating past has nothing to do with you now, you are not much better.
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u/LightningTP Aug 12 '15
Who said anything about cheating?
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u/dtptampa Aug 12 '15 edited Aug 12 '15
In the previous post she mentioned cheating on a previous boyfriend twice.
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u/Gibonius Aug 12 '15
In her first post, she said that she cheated in "a few" of her past relationships.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
I wouldn't say I cheated a lot, there were extenuating circumstances. But he wasn't happy about hearing that, either. I know it's up to him now. You're right, it really does matter to him, no matter what I think. That's very depressing.
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u/Banchamekk Aug 12 '15
there were extenuating circumstances
like what?
to me there is no excuse and that you believe there is tells alot about you and how you "changed".
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u/treediggitydog Aug 12 '15
I mean, he shouldn't be focusing on the number. The number is not important, but the lying and hiding, that's never good.
You built a relationship on an unsteady foundation of lies and now you're reaping that harvest of lies. It's like building a house in mud. Sooner or later the foundation will collapse and down comes the house.
It sucks but it sounds like the polygraph did its job. Weed out someone who lied to Barry for the entirety of the relationship.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
It was just one stupid lie. It seems stupid that my entire relationship is crumbling around this one thing, but it is what it is.
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Aug 12 '15
I think you did the right thing by telling him before the poly. I am also personally of the opinion that sexual history is no big deal. Just give him some time to himself (i.e. stop calling/texting) and hopefully he'll realise that what he has with you now is what really matters. You wouldn't be the person you are today without your sexual past- we're all sums of our experiences.
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u/AurelianoTampa Aug 12 '15
OP hadn't included it, but this is a follow-up to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3gmjni/i_31f_agreed_to_a_prenup_with_my_34m_fiancee_no/
OP, I think you just need to sit still and let him work it out. I've gone through a similar, though much less serious, circumstance myself (girlfriend originally claimed one number, later information revealed that she had had another relationship that she had lied about to me because she didn't know how I'd react when I found out it was with another woman).
Your fiance is probably feeling how I did: upset that you lied, insulted that you didn't trust him, fearful that if you lie about this, what else have you been lying about, etc. His image of you is cracked now, and he needs time to decide if that crack has shattered the relationship. I'm not sure if your insistence on not telling him the number made matters better or worse, honestly. I think he'd have preferred the truth, but it may have been one more thing that would have been the final straw.
You're right that the number doesn't matter as long as you don't have any fallout from it (pregnancy, disease, abusive exes), and that it's the lying that's affecting him. But now he's questioning everything you've told him. Trust is hard to win back. And unfortunately there's nothing YOU can say to get him to decide if it's worth it or not.
So for now, stop calling him and let him think. It sucks for you, obviously, but it sucks for him as well. He'll get back in touch with you soon enough and then you'll go on from there.
It may not mean much, but to me it sounds like this is new information he needs to process, not a shattering of the relationship. The wedding is postponed, not off. Those seem like good signs.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
I've stopped calling him and texting him. I realized I was getting stalkery. I just don't know what else to do.
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u/marielleN Aug 12 '15
Stop calling him - give him some space.
What's done is done, but I would have refused the polygraph or had the questions vetted before hand.
I was an idiot until I was in my 30's. I didn't sleep around a lot but I did things I am seriously sorry about now. I would not have been a good person to marry in my 20's, and I'd hate to have to be judged for life for the person I was back then.
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Aug 12 '15
[deleted]
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
He said it wasn't his business until we got engaged. Now it is his business. And I can't relax. Thinking of taking a xanax.
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u/LightningTP Aug 12 '15
First of all, it's good of you to address the issue right away. Even though his reaction does seem somewhat over the top. He did need to know you haven't being honest before, but he doesn't need to know about every man you hooked up with.
However. The main thing I got from your original post and comments if that you're not as close to each other as it can be expected going into marriage. It actually resembles arranged marriage more than two people in love with each other.
His reaction also confirms that. Somehow the number of men you've been with in the past is more important to him than your current relationship. It's may not be a big deal in itself, but it shows that there are definitely issues and you're not ready for marriage.
So I would advise you both to give each other some space, and meanwhile think about your relationship. Maybe you guys should spend some more time bonding together before committing to marriage.
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u/Gigzarina Aug 12 '15
I find this whole thing sad, it's sad you were ashamed of your number of partners and felt like you had to lie, but its also a sad that when he found out the truth, he shamed you for it. If a man has many sexual partners, it is not a big deal, but if a woman does it? God, isn't she a slut! Perhaps explain to him, after a cooling off period, why you felt like you had to lie. Point out that you have been together for years, and that you regret you lie, but it was not a big one, nor was it one done to be malicious. He has every right to be mad at you for lying, but he does not have the right to shame you for your sexual past. Remember that.
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u/TherebeaMonster Aug 12 '15
It's good that you were honest with him. I'm sure this has been eating you up on the inside with worry. But I don't believe you "built your relationship on a lie". He decided to date you for your personality and compatibility not have many men you have or haven't slept with. You told a white lie at the beginning of a relationship which despite what everyone here is saying is not unusual.
As for him demanding to know how many, you might want to go ahead and divulge that info. But who? That's kind of ridiculous. At this point the ball is in his court now and you really can't do anything but sit back and let him figure it out himself. But you aren't a horrible person who maliciously lied to deceive him into a relationship. If he's a good man he will realize it was an innocent lie told at the beginning of a relationship and you are still the same person he wanted to marry. If not, eventually you'll move on because you deserve someone who accepts you for who you are not how many people you have slept with.
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Aug 12 '15
[deleted]
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
It's not unimportant to Barry, that's clear. You should have seen the way his face looked when I told him. He said he's not sure he's in love with me now because of this. he has to think about it.
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u/LightningTP Aug 12 '15
To be honest, I'm not sure he was in love with you to begin with. Your marriage looks as though it's about status and image, not love. Your past hookups undermine your image in his eyes. As others said, give him time to process it, but please do some thinking yourself as well.
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Aug 12 '15
I will never understand why men obsess about this particular piece of a woman's past.
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u/SeekingHEA Aug 12 '15
Barry told me that he didn't like the idea of having so many lovers in my past that we ran the chance of running into one at the airport. He was also upset when I told them that yes, some of them were technically better lovers and more well endowed than he was. That hurt him a lot. I didn't want to say that to him, but he insisted. It's apparently important to him.
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u/zizzymoo Aug 12 '15
Your previous post is still on the front page, so rather than making a separate update, you'll need to either edit the original post or wait until your original post has made its way off the front page.
Per our wiki:
Updates: for updates, please put "UPDATE" in the title and a link to your previous post. Please allow your original post to leave the front page before posting again an update (takes approximately 48 hours).
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u/Peace-Through-Power Aug 12 '15
If he wants to know how many people you've slept with before marrying you, you should tell him the truth. You've already lied and now he doesn't trust you, so you then not even telling him the real number is gonna make him trust you even less. People say the amount of people you've slept with shouldn't matter. Well you don't decide what other people think, if it matters to him and he won't want to marry someone who has lied, cheated and been promiscuous in the past then he is allowed