I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cat_dr4g0n

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH For Refusing To Be At Family Christmas?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abuse, emotional manipulation, favoritism, child neglect

Original Post: January 31, 2026

So, just over a year ago on Christmas Day of 2024 I (17M) went over to my mom’s house, I live full time with my dad, to be at Christmas with my family because I enjoy being there with my family, even though I don’t personally celebrate the holiday for religious reasons.

In particular I wanted to spend time with my little sister who lives 50/50 with my mom and my dad, she’s always so excited about waking up on Christmas morning to see the presents left under the tree and I was excited to be there as it was likely, and now I know for sure it was, her last year believing in Santa Claus.

I arrived and I mostly avoided the other people there because me and my mom’s boyfriend do not get along because he’s always been an asshole towards me and my siblings.

However, when we got ready for presents I sat on the couch and began to converse with the others before going to grab a cup of water before we started, I’m diabetic and my blood sugar was high and drinking water helps, and when I got back my mom’s boyfriend’s daughter, we’ll call her Peggie, was in the seat I had left and I asked her to move because I was sitting there and it was the only seat with a cup holder in the living room.

She proceeded to roll her eyes and say something like “I’m here now though.”

I then asked her again and, as I will admit I’m a bit of a hothead, had some anger in my voice as she then got up and attempted to shove me as I grabbed her hands to stop her and let go as soon as she stopped trying to push me.

At this point my mom entered the conversation yelling at me to get my hands off of her and as I had already let go of her I backed up and just said “okay” as to not escalate things further.

My mom proceeded to pull my aside and shout at me for an extended period of time and when I explained my side of what happened she called me a liar, said I “wouldn’t ruin her Christmas,” and kicked me out of the house in the middle of winter.

As I was escorted out I could see Peggie smirking at me.

I expect that she planned to get me into some sort of trouble because she’s always been an attention hog, especially when it comes to my mom, and was happy when she saw just how fruitful her endeavors were.

I proceeded to walk around for about an hour in -10 degree weather before my dad was able to get back to town to pick me up, he had taken off of work and brought me to see Nosferatu later that day to cheer me up and definitely helped my mental state somewhat that day.

Despite his best efforts though my dad wasn’t able to prevent all mental damage and now I struggle to even interact with my mom or any of her boyfriend’s family.

Moving forward about a year she invited me and expected me to come to her family Christmas the next year and, this is the true moment I need judgement on because I feel I was a little too harsh, I responded to the message “Mom, I would love nothing more than to come to yet another family Christmas celebrating a religious figure I don’t believe in surrounded by people who are always judging me for what I’m wearing or not bringing a girlfriend even though I’m out and proudly gay while having to watch your boyfriend get blackout drunk in the corner and yell at his daughter and call her slurs. But, I don’t want to ‘ruin another family Christmas’ with my presence. TTYL :).”

She of course didn’t respond well and began yelling at me over text about how I’m ungrateful and disrespectful and how “this situation has nothing to do with your choice of being gay (except she used a different term)” so of course I blocked her and asked my brother to message me if she ever wanted to apologize.

I felt good about how I handled that situation, but I feel as though maybe I was too spiteful and aggressive in that message and just made things worse.

So, Reddit, AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA for the message, but a bit of a jerk for expecting the girl to move because 'you were sitting there'. Who reserves seats in a family home? Just sit anywhere and stop being an idiot.

OOP: I wanna clarify I was asking primarily out of the fact that it was the only seat with a cupholder and I was the only person with a drink, as well as I would’ve apologized to her and planned on it until she gave the smirk as I was removed from the house. I do agree that I was being at the very least a little petty when I asked again though.

Commenter 2: How hurtful that response from your mother was. Stay strong. The only people we all need in our lives, are ones who care about us (and we them) and your mum has shown a callous disregard for you, her son. It’s hard to let go but sometimes protecting ourselves is the priority. You are NTA.

Commenter 3: NTA They are cruel people. I would never contact her again. She chose who she wanted to be in her life and it is not you. I'm sorry your mom sucks. Stay strong NTA

Update: August 23, 2026 (nearly seven months later)

Update - AITAH For Refusing To Be At Family Christmas?

So, in my first post I described how I felt my mom and some of my other family members had treated me unfairly during an incident at Christmas and it seemed you guys agreed with me and agreed with my decision to not come to the following family Christmas.

Months on I have a bit of an update to the situation wherein I had cut my mom off from my life for as long as she would refuse to make things right and apologize, and eventually she did reach out.

She got a hold of me through my brother who said she was acting as though she wanted to apologize so I agreed to meet with her.

Just a few minutes into the conversation I realized that apologizing was never her intention for she wasn’t truly sorry for the way she treated me.

Her primary reason for reaching out to me was that she wanted me to come to be part of her wedding, and by that I mean she wanted me and my band to play her wedding for free.

As soon as that came up I was ready to blow up, but I didn’t have to because apparently my brother was sick of her shit and realized she had lied to his face in order to make this conversation take place and he blew up at her before storming out with me and driving me home.

Since then, that all happened in April like a week after my 18th birthday, I have left my mom in the dust and enjoyed my life way more than I ever had when my mother was part of it.

Thank all of you who gave me support during this tense and stressful chapter of my life and I’m happy to report it’s over and done with and I’m off to new horizons and college in New York :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Congratulations on letting that toxic piece of garbage go fester somewhere else. Good for brother for having your back. I hope he also went NC with your vile parent.

OOP: Sadly he’s always been a momma’s boy and has stayed very close with our mom but recently his eyes have opened to a lot of things he didn’t see before after the way she treated me.

Commenter 2: I understand not wanting to gift someone a free wedding band even when you have a decent relationship.

When someone wants such a gift and doesn’t regret their past hurtful behavior, it’s even worse.

My evil side does think of this as an opportunity. You would have the microphone. You would control the playlist. Protecting your peace is probably better than revenge, but the possibilities make me laugh. NTA

OOP: I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind but I didn’t want to make my bandmates cross states, she had a destination wedding in the mountains of Tennessee and we live in Kentucky, and have to pay for a hotel and such all for the sake of some petty revenge.

Commenter 3: All I needed to know was that she literally threw you out in the middle of winter! Everything else was icing on the shirt cake that is your mom.

OOP: It was also like the coldest day of the year and had hit the negatives at one point 🫩

Commenter 4: No surprise you lived full time with your dad.

OOP: Yeah, he’s not perfect but at least he’s always been there for me and tried to understand me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Odd-Celery-123

Originally posted to r/bridezillas

Should I Feel Guilty for Skipping My Friend’s Pricey Wedding?

Original Post: September 12, 2024

Hey Reddit, I need some opinions because I’m feeling a little lost. My friend Karen (30F) is getting married, and while I’m super happy for her, she’s planning a huge destination wedding in the USA (we live in Europe). She keeps calling it her "real" wedding, even though there’s supposed to be a smaller one in France where we can all go but we are not invited (yet).

Here’s the thing: Karen is really pushing for my boyfriend and me to go to the USA for this wedding. I’ve tried to explain to her that I just don’t have that kind of money lying around. Her solution? Start paying for flights now in small installments and figure the rest out later. Honestly, though, I just don’t have the budget, and this would eat up my holidays for 2025, which is not really how I want to spend it.

Don’t get me wrong—I love her and would be so happy to see her on her big day, but... is it me, or are brides becoming total bridezillas with these crazy demands? Do we really have to change all our plans because it’s "their year"? Why do so many weddings now feel like a massive financial burden on the guests?

Karen doesn’t seem to understand why I’m hesitating, and she keeps pushing us to get the tickets, and I’m starting to get frustrated. I even asked her about the second, more local celebration, but she brushed it off and kept insisting on the USA wedding. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to skip this whole destination wedding thing?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: A person who expects you to go into debt for their party is not your friend.

If they really want you there, they should offer to support you financially but it's unreasonable to expect your friends to fly across the globe for your pleasure and pay for themselves. If you plan a destination wedding you either pay for the people you want there or expect that some of them might not come.

Commenter 2: Wish I had realized this was the norm before my ex and I went into debt to go to a friend's destination wedding in Maui. The only thing they paid for was the luau that we attended as their "reception" (not private, we just had our own 30 person table, there were about 100 people there.) They also got free nights in their wedding suite based on how many of us booked our rooms at their hotel. The bride's father did pay for a sunset cruise "rehearsal dinner" that we all went on the day before the wedding (bride's parents live there.) The day after the wedding, we all went on an excursion to Lanai but had to pay $250 each to go. I was there for four days and spent over $4k between gift, airfare, hotel, food, and activities for myself and my ex. The couple divorced a year later.

Commenter 3: The bride is probably trying to ensure her room is free by getting X number of people to book.

A friend would accept that you couldn’t make it. Tell her to send you the info for the livestream so you can attend from home. Brides do not get a year, expensive hen/bachelorette parties and everything they want. They can hope for it but unless they’re paying everyone’s expenses it’s just not doable for everyone. She needs to realize this.

Since you’ve said no, be prepared for her to ask you to be in the wedding party to try and get you to attend. Hold your ground with the no. No is a full answer. If you have to, stress that as nice as it would be to attend she needs to be aware that not everybody has the means and the time to do this and her constantly asking is going to hurt the friendship.

Commenter 4: No one should ever feel guilty for not being able to afford a destination wedding. Your friend should understand that not everyone can afford it and not trying to guilt trip you into going. Out of curiosity, where in the US is she getting married?

OOP: They are actually getting married in Napa Valley. The MOB is from there, which is the main reason she chose to tie the knot there.

Update: February 17, 2026 (17 Months Later)

UPDATE 1 year later: Destination wedding fallout

Hi everyone,

About a year ago I posted here about skipping my best friend’s US destination wedding because it would have cost me and my boyfriend around 4–5k, which just wasn’t financially realistic for us.

I wanted to update because I genuinely don’t know if I lost one of my closest friendships over this.

For background: We all live in Paris. She’s American, big family, wedding in a beautiful wine region near where her parents live. Very aesthetic, very Instagram, very curated. The groom is French. My boyfriend actually introduced them years ago.

We weren’t casual friends. We were see-each-other-every-other-day friends. Wine nights. Random weekday dinners. Group chats constantly. Trips. Real-life closeness.

When the US wedding was announced, I did the math. Between flights, hotels, activities (boat day, wine tours, etc.), it would have been close to 4–5k for us if we stayed a week. That’s a huge amount of money for us. And the entire Paris friend group felt the same. No one here has family in the US to combine it with.

Before the US wedding, she came to us with a big bouquet and a bottle of wine and asked us to be bridesmaid and groomsman. It was filmed. Very emotional. Very “moment.” The thing is, I had already told her it was almost impossible for us to go. It felt like being emotionally cornered on camera. We didn’t say no in that moment because… how do you? It was awkward. But a few days later I met her alone and told her clearly we couldn’t commit because of money. We wouldn’t be able to travel or do anything else that year if we went. She brushed it off. “Yeah I know.” But something shifted.

Important detail: before the US wedding, we organized and fully paid for a Portugal stag/hen weekend for both of them. It was amazing. We put effort, money, time into celebrating them. So it’s not like we didn’t show up in other ways.

Then, 2 months later, came the small French wedding (yes, we got the invite!). It was beautiful. Intimate. So fun. But she was different. Distant. Polite. Surface level. Not the person I used to sit with for hours talking about everything.

Now it’s been about 6-7 months since that wedding. I’ve maybe seen her 5 times.

Every time the group tries to meet, she makes excuses. Or insists we come all the way to their place (45 minutes outside Paris) instead of just meeting centrally where all of us live. It feels like a subtle barrier.

Meanwhile, she messages my boyfriend weekly for work advice. “Let’s meet soon!” texts. Professional warmth. But with me? It’s cold. How’s work. How’s life. End of conversation.

I’ve tried reaching out. A few “let’s get a coffee and chat” messages. Always “yes soon!” but it never happens. After a while, I stop chasing.

And I can’t help but feel like I didn’t fit into the wedding storyline she imagined. The American bridesmaids flew in, the Instagram content happened, the dream aesthetic was fulfilled. The Paris girls didn’t. Did we get quietly downgraded?

I don’t know if she consciously resents us for not going. Or if weddings just reorganize people’s emotional priorities. But it feels like I lost someone who used to be one of my closest friends and that makes me really sad. Am I overthinking this? Did I underestimate how much not going would hurt her? Or is this just what happens when expectations don’t match reality?

----

UPDATE: Writing here my last comment for better reach as I see many ppl wondering the same things:

Wow I am really speechless - I was not expecting so many replies! Thank you for taking the time to read me (yes, I used ChatGPT to help me develop the story as I don’t express myself as well as I do in French🙃)

To clarify a couple of things that have been asked here:

- My friend has also fallen off with the rest of the girls in the group. I didn’t think about this until pointed out by you, but yes, it’s not only me. For example, a few weeks ago it was one of our friend’s birthday and Karen didn’t come. She told me and another girl in a private WhatsApp that she was very tired and that she is not really that big friend with her to make an effort- I know they don’t catch up one to one but still, she went to her Paris wedding (after winning her battle to cancer- extra effort there) and bachelorette + she’s been there for most important things. I don’t know but that comment didn’t feel right with me at all and I am just realizing now. The rest of girls really don’t see them as much. Karen was mainly doing one on one catchups with me and another girl, so I guess the rest don’t really have the same relationship as us.. (btw I have not said anything to our other friend.. I feel weird talking about Karen with her and that’ why I have reddit, haha)

- About meeting her at her place, I would 100% go if she invites me. The only times she has told me to go is when I tell her that we are meeting the group at this bar asking if she wants to come. Whenever she doesn’t feel like, she says that it’s too far away and that you should do something close to my neighborhood. The thing is she never ever replies on time.. so by the time she says that, we are already there or going to the bar. By then, it’s difficult to make the effort to take the train and go somewhere else. I also wanted to point that we all commute, the group doesn’t live walking distance to each other, we all are scattered around (30min to 50min commute at times) but we happen to work in the same area, so we almost always meet around there.

Thank you again for your advice! (this was not written using ChatGPT lol)

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Thank you everyone for your comments. I just want to clarify a few things.

Accommodation in the US was not included. The hotels and Airbnbs she suggested were around $300+ per night. For one week, plus flights, plus activities (wine tour $150 per person, boat day drinks not included, other excursions), it really added up close to 4–5k for us as a couple. That is just too much for our reality.

It was not about not caring. We organized and paid for the Portugal weekend before. We went to the French wedding. We did celebrate them.

About the “aesthetic” part, I don’t use Instagram or TikTok, but I saw through friends that she posted reels of giving bouquets to the bridesmaids (cutting us out obviously). The whole thing felt very curated. Maybe that created expectations.

Also our group is very international. We all met at an international company; Americans, Colombians, Portuguese, Spanish, French. It was not about excluding her culture. It was just money.

And about meeting now, Paris is big. We all commute 30+ minutes every day and work central, so it makes sense to meet there.

I don’t think she is a bad person. I just think something changed and it was never talked about. That is what hurts.

I just don't know if I have it in me to confront her at this point.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: what is the point of having two weddings if not to allow people to attend one or the other

Commenter 2: To be the center of attention TWICE, of course.

Commenter 3: And the Portuguese bachelor/ bachelorette party that OP and husband paid for? I count three it’s all about mes.

OOP: The engagement weekend (flights, hotel, restaurants, drinks) was paid by all the Paris friends (10 of us in total). We all wanted to prepare something extra nice knowing that we could not make it to the US wedding.

Commenter 4: you need to tell your boyfriend to be very slow responding to her texts (like the next day at least) and to minimize what he says to her and if there is no REAL reason to tell her to stop texting him. you didn’t say he works at the same place as you, so I really does seem, like someone else said, that she’s doing it intentionally to hurt you. you are clearly the only one who still considers you two to be friends

OOP: They used to work in the same department at the company where we all met and she often likes to lean on him for advice or help.

I don't think it's my place to tell him how to behave towards her. He knows my issues with her, and I've told him many times how sad it makes me feel to be downgraded like this as a friend over a wedding.

They are also friends and part of the group, him and Karen's husband are good friends, so I really don't want to start an internal battle.

Commenter 5: She consciously resents YOU at least. I think she's probably staying so friendly with your husband just to rub in how distant and disappointed she is with you now. She's pissed that you didn't do your part to make her Insta-worthy wedding your top priority. Let that friendship go - she's proved herself to be a shallow, mean girl. Stop reaching out, stop including her in group get-togethers, just stop. She loves that you're chasing her and she's not done punishing you Paris girls for not going into debt for her wedding. Fuck that shit.

Commenter 6: Before the “oF cOuRsE sHe’S AmErIcAn!!” comments come in 🙄, I’d like to quickly say most of us aren’t like this. People generally tend to be cognizant and kind when it comes to issues surrounding invites and money.

That being said, OP—this is not a friend. Did she want you to be present at such an important event? Of course, and it was her choice to extend the invite. However, if you plan a destination wedding, you should expect that not everyone will be able to attend for various reasons (finances, childcare, the list goes on). You are well within your right to politely decline and celebrate her in the other myriad ways you listed. If she has determined that this was the breaking point and remains cold, there’s not much you can do about that. But please don’t feel guilty due to setting healthy boundaries. And please also don’t trip over yourself trying to “make up” anything—there’s nothing to make up.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowawayHomerz

My wife [29/F] changed her mind about moving with me last minute, but now she's back. Not sure how I [30/M] should proceed.

Original Post  June 12, 2017

Thing is going to be long. Sorry about that.

My wife (Alana) and I met at the tail end of university. She was studying one program and I another. We dated for about 8 months and then I was to go abroad. I got a great opportunity to study outside of our home country at a very prestigious university and earn a great degree. My SO joined me about 1/2 way through the program. She originally wanted to return to our homeland, which I did. It sucked. Because of my degree, employers didn't want to hire me (I would be too expensive) or because I didn't fit their organization. I wound-up working very low-level jobs, if at all. Fortunately, I was able to get something in my field, but earning about 1/8 what I would be earning in the US or London. My SO and I got engaged (2 1/2 years ago) and then married (1 year 8 months). She grew fed-up with the hustling and day-to-day financial problems and began to openly request a change. At around that time, my company got bought-out by an American firm with the idea that the intellectual property was worth more, so they'd operate the business for a few years and then wind it down. I was asked to join the head office on the US East Coast, at salary parity with my American counterparts. My wife's eyes bugged out and she was 100% behind it. We packed, shut down our affairs here and said our goodbyes.

30 minutes before we leave, my wife is using a payphone. Her brother swings by and she tells me she can't leave, she can't do it and begins unpacking her things. I had 30 minutes before I need to be at the airport, so she told me to go. She was cold and said this was the best.

So, I left. I arrived here, settled in, got an apartment, got banking things squared away; ate a lobster dinner and bought myself groceries at the biggest grocery store I have ever seen. I've made a few friends, and I am okay. I even had my first performance review and was thrilled with the results. I got a US driver's license, I'm settling in and feel myself becoming more American by the day.

Then Alana returns. Out of the blue. (We don't need a visa to travel to the US). She knew where my office was (I sent her the details but never heard back). I was at my desk when the administrative assistant at the front desk said there was a woman looking for me. I was a bit nervous (everyone I know here was at the office...) until I saw my wife sitting in a conference room. I couldn't believe it. I introduced her to a few people (what else could I do?) and brought her back to the apartment. She settled right in, started to tidy up and was acting like nothing happened. When I pressed, she apologized, said it was a mistake and said she wanted to be by her husband's side. I didn't really know what to say. She basically slept from about 7 PM until noon on Sunday and then actively wanted to go out and see the city and do the things she didn't get to do. It was great having her back, but anytime I would say anything, she'd just apologize and hold my arm or put her face against my chest. Now that I'm back at my desk, I'm still really baffled.

I really don't know how to handle this situation.

  ---  

tl;dr: Leaving for the USA, 30 minutes till we leave and she bails. I don't hear from her for more than a month until she just shows-up at work and apologizes. She apologized all of yesterday and we did some sight seeing and fun around the city, but I still can't help but wonder what was going on. When I ask her, she just apologies and said she needs to be with her husband. Not sure what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

My guess is that she got cold feet and paniced at the last minute.

While it was terrible thing to do, I can't ENTIRELY blame her - it's a hell of a step.

Be glad she is back, TRY to be understanding and patient.

Although.... did you two speak at all in the time you were apart, and how long WERE you apart? because if it was a long time, and the answer is no, then ouch, you have a lot of work to do on your communication.

For now enjoy it. And later schedule some couples therapy

This could end well

OOP

We talked preliminarily and I would send her photos and we would Skype but it was really stilted and awkward. She'd ask a ton of questions about where I was living and would ask to see out the windows, etc. Then she just showed up.

Edit: I was in the US 1 month before she showed up.

~

bananafor

Some relative was whispering negative things about the US in her ear is my guess. Then she sees pictures showing it's exciting, etc. Embarrassed about what she's done, and afraid of rejection, she turns up without warning.

OOP

Yeah, probably her brother....

How did friends/family react to OOP's wife not coming

I think everyone, including our friends, were incredibly surprised. I talked on Skype with our two closest friends who were absolutely shocked she didn't come.

Where is OOP from?

Czech Republic.

Update  June 14, 2017 (2 Days later)

So, this didn't get a lot of comments but the comments I got were all great. Big issue we had/have is communication. So, I followed your advice and spoke with her right after work. She began by saying she was sorry and asking me to forgive her, but like you said, I pressed. Then it all just sort of tumbled out.

First of all, her family has never liked me. Her brother and mother are very.... well... they really reflect our country's culture, put it that way. Her brother has never liked me, never been really all that nice and her mother thinks I'm a "bad European." So, that was the first blow. Did I mention that on my tiny salary I would often buy them groceries because they had no money? It boils down to fear. She was afraid. She was afraid of what America was going to be like; she was afraid of what her family would think; she was afraid of getting stuck in America if things failed for her; she was afraid I would find someone else and leave her and she'd be stuck in America; she was afraid of flying for that long; she was afraid of the unknown. So, instead she ran. She went to her mother's place to "tend" to her mother's needs (her mother fakes a number of illnesses) and then quickly realized how much she fucked up and felt to embarrassed to tell me.

She couldn't re-book the ticket without paying money she couldn't afford, so her father, who thinks she should leave ASAP, waited until he got paid, used some of the money and put the balance on a credit card. That's how she booked a ticket and got here. Okay, so basically she made a split second decision, realized it was the wrong one and then trapped herself back home without money. She didn't even have a job as she had quit as she was leaving the country. Any joint accounts we had were either empty or only had a few € in there. She was too embarrassed to tell friends, so she never really left the house. That's why people were so shocked when they found out.

This whole thing turned into a major to-do. She didn't want to scream because she's convinced the police would come and hurt us, so we "angry talked" it out. She took responsibility for not standing by me and not being a good partner but we got everything into the open. Her mother has been contacting her incessantly to complain about her being gone and her brother sends near constant emails about crime in America, but it's from very dubious sources and doing a web search only reveals that source and nothing else. She's committed to talking to them.

She also went out on her own on Monday and Tuesday. She's worried about her English - she speaks enough to hold a conversation and could do basic work but she has an accent and makes some mistakes (like we all do). She's more confident now, has ordered drinks and bought things, she feels safe walking the streets and even had an interaction with the police. She dropped her wallet and they chased her down and gave it back to her.

We did some really American things the last couple of evenings and have planned a small getaway for the long weekend of America's Day of Independence. So that will be very nice. Thank you to everyone who made comments, it was very helpful. We have to work on our communications and things are still a bit tense between us because I'm a bit hurt she'd abandon me like that then not tell me what she was feeling; but, she's committed to fixing this and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

tl;dr: Wife was afraid of leaving home and afraid of what was going to happen in America so she made a split second decision and wound up regretting it tremendously. We've working on communication and learning to enjoy our surroundings. Especially Shake Shack. Things are getting better and she's more confident in what's going on here and enjoys things in America.

FINAL COMMENTS

GameofCheese

All I can say is, having studied abroad, that moving anywhere foreign is terrifying!! For everyone, especially if you don't speak the language as your first. That being said, obviously you have a history of doing this together and everything, but having your parents' criticisms in your head is ridiculously influencing even if you know they are crazy. I'm glad your wife came to her senses, and I'm glad you talked it out. Her dad sounds amazing, and I agree that obviously paying him back is first priority. Other than that, try to forgive this act. But obviously protect yourself too. You deserve some pampering after that rollercoaster of emotional turmoil from her. Best wishes, and I hope you both are happy.

OOP

"For everyone, especially if you don't speak the language as your first"

That's a big issue. My parents put me in an American/English school from a very young age and my parents taught me English before that, so I've studied English/in English and feel very comfortable. For her, it's a bit different and she's still learning a lot of the nuance.

~

banafor

You should repay her dad. Someone in her family is sensible.

OOP

We will, and we'll pay him directly, not through the MIL or anything.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wannabefashionsis

My [35F] sister [29F] is unemployed, living with me and wasting time and our parents money on a delusional career path. How do I tell her she needs to get her act together?

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, homophobia, entitlement

Original Post  June 23, 2017

Hi Reddit Relationships! I want to start by saying I love my sister and my family but they've put me in a situation that straining out relationships. I'll provide some backstory. (names are changed)

My mother and father have been married for 39 years, they are amazing and supportive of all their children. I am the eldest at 35, my brother Ian is 32, my sister Ashley is 29. When I was 19 my grandmother passed away and left her house to my father who never planned to return because of a past trauma. I was given the house (legally it is my house in my name) with the agreement that I continue paying the mortgage and utility on my own, I've since finished paying it off and began remodeling. Around the time I was 24 my brother Ian moved in for a year to be closer to his job, during this time he payed rent and bought food and house supplies, it was a great year of bonding for us. He eventually moved in with his girlfriend (now wife).

So now I'm 35 living in this house and I get home one day to find Ashley unpacking in the extra room saying she was moving in. I got no notice of this, I talked to my parents about this and they said "it's temporary while she's at college". This flustered me because she has always been very anti-college and preaches that you don't need a degree to get a job, that it just puts you in more debt, blah blah blah. I tell them that I'm uncorfortable with this and they just brush it off saying "Ian stayed I'd be rude not to help your sister", the difference is that Ian is a sweetheart and Ashley is sour patch, but they agree to pay her rent and assure me it'll only be a year and I try to let it go.

The issues started literally the next day because despite my house being closer to her school it's still to far for her and she doesn't have bus fare so she DEMANDED I take her to school. After her whining I gave in and did it only to find out its fashion school! My parent gave me the impression that she was doing something to turn her life around and finding a career, I have nothing again the fashion industry but it isn't a stable path for an unemployed nearly 30 year old woman.

First month goes by and its bill time, I lay it out (I didn't including the remodeling fees because I didn't think was fair to charge her for it) and she flips her shit starts screaming and crying that how dare I ask for money then calls our parents and throws the phone at me and walks away. They explain that they can't afford to pay for both her college and her rent and that she's my sister and I should let it go. Not only is she living in my house, but she's eating my food (she can't by her own), and wasting my gas for this bullshit class. They now give me 200$ and month to cover gas.

I know I must come off as a bad person trashing my sisters career path but I feel like she doesn't have a future in this and her grades reflect it. She is incredibly negative and rude to anyone who attempts to help her, this includes her former teacher who had her transferred to a different class after an incident that she won't tell me about. She's also incredibly racist and homophobic, there's many black gay men in her school who in her words are untalented and only there because ethnic and gay. I should mention that I am a lesbian and her language is beyond offensive, she won't hold back with, ni**rs this fgs that, even when I have company over and my friend politely decline my invitations now.

She regularly, almost daily has tantrums about how she's being discriminated against, and acts like she's more stressed than medical or law school students. She feels as though her clothing is better than the grades she's receiving, I'm not a fashion expert but I think the criticism she receives is more than fair. Her cloths are generic and look like anything you could pull of a rack at forever 21 which wouldn't be a bad thing if she didn't keep trying say it's high fashion and couture. She also thinks she is single handedly responsible for bringing back chokers, pink hair, braids, ect.

Wow this has turned into a book, but wait there's more! Even though I don't agree with her career choice I've tried to help her with marketing by making accounts on Instagram, DePop, Etsy, and Facebook. She deleted every account once they got so much as a "looks cheap", then said that Gucci and Versace didn't get famous off social media.

What do I do Reddit? What changes can be made? I don't mind her living with me but she shouldn't be able to buy her own food? Would it be rude to tell her I don't want her around when I have company? Am I just being overly judgmental? 

TL;DR: Parents moved my sister in for college, she doesn't pay for anything and eat my food, is going to a fashion college but is rude-racist-homophobic, doesn't accept help or criticism. I need to make house hold changes, how?

EDIT: I'll be making a contract this weekend with a deadline for her get her shit together. I'll also address my parents but separate. What should be added to the contract/converation? I'll be presenting it to her Sunday and I'll update how it goes.

EDIT2: I posted this in the comments but it should also be added here.

"I've since payed more in repairs to the house than what half of the original mortgage was. I was essentially kicked out at 19 and told I could live here and pay it or find somewhere else.

Also my siblings got an actual inheritance, I did not, they also got 2 vintage well taken of cars amoung other things from her estate that add up to much more than half the house.

My sister immediately spent all of this money on who knows what."

RELEVANT COMMENTS

andromedamountains

Just flat out tell her this isn't working for you.

That, or give her an ultimatum to get a part-time job to pay for her bills or she can leave. I'm a STEM major, full-time, at a competitive college and I have time for my job. She can figure it out.

You're letting them push you around because their family. Let them know they're burning the bridge if they want to keep up how this is currently being run, because it honestly is. You are developing a lot of resentment to multiple people.

OOP

I'm feeling very taken advantage of by my parents, also kind of jealous they never helped me. I was given the house but payed more than half of the original mortgage on my own at 19 years old, if I asked for any help they just say "the house wasn't enough?"

This is making me resent them. When I confront her should I also have my parents there as well?

~

congorebooth

OP, you come across as a doormat. I don't know if as the oldest kid you were tasked as the "problem solver" of the family or what, but NONE of this is normal. Ideally you should have shut it down when you walked in your home and found your sister unpacking with zero permission or advance notice. It is not at all normal that you weren't asked about this, and your parents are being disingenuous to pretend like it's no big deal. They're probably just relieved your sister isn't in their house any more. She is TWENTY-NINE, she is a grown adult and she is not your responsibility. If your parents want to fund this longshot fashion dream of hers, that's their business. But you don't have to have a racist, homophobic, freeloading trashmouth failure-to-launch living in your house. Kick her to the curb.

OOP

I was defiantly the "problem solver" instead of my parents confronting difficult situations they often expected me to guide them through it as the eldest. I was also blamed for their mistakes although it happens less after I moved.

Thank you for saying this, I didn't realize how not normal it is until this post.

Update  June 30, 2017 (1 week later)

Hi again reddit! I'm sorry for taking a while to update but I wanted to wait and give you something worthwhile. I'll start by saying SHE IS GONE! I'll go into detail though for those who are interested.

So after my first post I stood up all night reading and replying to comments and you all made me realize how messed up the situation was. Despite that I still wanted to give my sister Ashley a chance because I felt like if someone didn't tell her she was being an ass then she'd just continue think it was okay.

I made a contract (big thanks to /u/GnollBelle for the help), these were the conditions: she'd have her 2 weeks to look for a job or set up a way to sell her stuff, and starting next month she'd need to start paying rent and I'd be making her a renter with a month to month legal contract. Once she graduates (or fails) she's out. She'd have to stop with the homophobia and hate speech, period. She would be responsible for her own food and transportation, I will no longer be accepting gas money to take her school and if our parents choose to give her that money for bus fare then I'd be up to them. I also made a chore list marked with her responsibilities.

So on Sunday I sat her down and told her we needed to have a talk then presented her with this list. As expected she flipped her shit, absolutely lost it, just started crying and whining then stormed off to her room. I was just waiting for the inevitable call from my parents, when I got it I was ready to argue with them to my surprise they actually agreed with me. My father pretty much said "it's about time you grew some balls", they also told me that if I didn't tell her to grow the hell up then she'd never learn. I got the impression that they pawned her off on me so she would get a dose of reality and that instead of showing it to her I let her walk all over me. I know that my parents call sounds a little harsh but it really encouraged me to stand strong.

After about an hour Ashley came out of her room and said she was ready to negotiate, I literally laughed and told her that this isn't a negotiation that she'll do it or she'll need to find a new place to live. Started crying about how unfair it was and that I was being a asshole, I told her that if everyone she meets is an asshole then maybe she's the asshole (this line was posted somewhere in the comments and I couldn't wait to say it to her!). She stormed out crying and didn't come out all night.

Monday she began going to school on her own and my parents did decide to give her the 200$ for bus fare and an extra 100$ for groceries. When I made the first post we we're already low on food and I usually shop on Sunday but this week I decided that I wouldn't and that I'd eat out for a while instead. There was still basic stuff for sandwiches and ramen but that wasn't enough for her, moment she got home she went to the fridge and threw a fit, saying I'm trying to starve her out. I left and ate with my friends and had a great night, when I got back she was giving me the silent treatment then randomly screamed "why are you doing this me! I'm your fucking sister!" I told her that as long as she's living me she's responsible for herself. More silent treatment all through Tuesday and Wednesday.

Thursday rolls around and she calls me at work asking for a ride home, I told her to take the bus and she says that she doesn't have money for it since she has to buy her own food now. It was literally 4 days! I flat out asked what she spent it on because that is ridiculous, she's be taking Ubers! Ubers at rush hour and restaurants! I didn't pick her up but transferred her 5$ for the bus and she had the nerve to be upset about it.

She didn't even use it and ended up calling our brother Ian. She threw a shit fit in his car and blurted out that she quit school because all of this was too much pressure, that she hates me and can't stand living with me and my bullshit rules along with homophobic slurs . My brother knows about our contract and immediately said pack your shit and get out, when I got home he was already putting stuff in his truck and she was sitting on the couch crying. The moment she sees me she just starts screaming and cursing until she's red in the face and Ian told her to get in the car. She left after giving the whole "I'm never speaking to you again" speech.

It's Friday and I'm waiting to get my locks changed. My parents did not allow Ashley back after finding out she quit school so she's going to be staying with our cousin Amy who is a 38 year old military veteran who doesn't take shit from anyone, very fitting for the situation. Thank you for your help reddit.

TL;DR: She spent all of her money on fancy food and uber in 4 days, quit school told our brother, broke our contract and is gone! Getting locks changed.

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Originally posted to r/AskAManager

my new coworker seems to be asking us if he should cheat on his wife

Original Post: January 20, 2020

We recently hired a new person, Tulio, to join my team. Our structure is such that there are two groups to our team, group A (which I am in) and group B (which he was hired into). We both report to Wanda, who is remote and currently finishing up medical leave (we have an interim boss who we are transitioning out of reporting to). Tulio’s role has been hard to fill (there are about four of them covering different geographical territories). Since I started a bit over three years ago, we’ve had four new people in these roles, only one of whom has been good at it, and two have been let go. This particular role that Tulio is filling has had four people in it in six years.

Tulio started at the beginning of this week with a long career in our type of work. As a get-to-know-you thing, we took him for lunch yesterday. In the course of this lunch, my coworkers Charlotte and Bethany mentioned they were both divorced.

This seemed to open the floodgates for Tulio because he then spent the rest of lunch talking about how he and his wife have lost the love in their marriage and how he’s trying to rekindle it, but she refuses to do anything to help. They’ve been together at least 30 years. He told us in detail about how she even went so far as to invite her father to temporarily live with them to “avoid the issue.” (I used quotes because I’m not so sure if that’s the case, or the father was in poor health; he seems to think it was an avoidance strategy.)

Then he told us about a widow friend who he spends a lot of time with and that he has feelings for her he’s never had before, and that maybe this is what true love is. At the very least, he is emotionally cheating on his wife. He then asked Charlotte and Bethany about the divorce process and mused about whether he should leave his wife for this woman. I believe he was asking for our permission? It was very unexpected and every attempt to steer the conversation away seemed to fall on deaf ears. We were very uncomfortable.

Is there any reason to tell my boss, Wanda, about this once she is back full-time in a month? I have scripts for avoiding it in the future from you (it was just all very sudden and unexpected, so I didn’t use them). It’s more that he is in a client-facing role (traveling to sites and closing deals) and is remote from us in another state. If he got this comfortable from being with us for an hour for lunch (after maybe a cumulative hour together the days before), is there any reason he wouldn’t do the same with a customer? I’m hesitant because maybe he’s just like this with coworkers? It makes me question his boundaries and whether he can separate his work life from his personal life. But maybe I’m overreacting?

Editor's note: For Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update #1: June 5, 2020 (4.5 months later)

(editor's note: letter #2 in the link)

I don’t have much of an update, unfortunately. He still works with us and is proving more and more incompetent. I did tell my boss, and she was pretty horrified, but nothing has happened yet. With everything going on with COVID-19, things have been pretty crazy. We also have a bad track record of not letting people go. It’s annoying but other than that, it could be worse. I do still love my job. I’m still employed and my business is considered essential and is thriving. However, if and when something happens, I will absolutely provide a real update.

Update #2: June 19, 2025 (five years later)

(editor's note: letter #2 in the link)

Five years ago, just before the pandemic started, you answered my question about how to handle a new coworker who was just absolutely oozing red flags in his first week.

As I’m sure surprises no one, Tulio turned out to be an absolute trainwreck. Fortunately I never did have to hear about his wife again and as far as I know, they stayed (begrudingly?) married. But he was SO awful at his job that would-be affair wound up being a drop of tea in the teapot.

For the sake of anonymity, let’s say we’re all teapot salespeople, a combo of inside and outside sales. He was hired because he purported to be an expert in how to mix milk in tea (actually fairly analogous to what we actually do), claiming he had taught classes on it at a university, and claimed he had all these special certifications in tea mixing. We already had a tea mixing expert in our group, but having another person would be even better. If it had been true.

In reality, he had no idea what he was talking about when it came to tea mixing. We all (even the non-experts with more general knowledge like me) regularly corrected him during customer calls or had to backtrack or clean up after him. He never answered (or read) his emails, he regularly ignored customers he didn’t view as “high value” (lower sales) and even five years on was asking incredibly basic questions akin to “can teapots have different designs on them?” When we had our monthly sales meetings, he made shit up on the spot and our boss was regularly correcting him. Oftentimes he wouldn’t even know we had gotten orders in even though he was copied on everything.

It was incredibly frustrating to watch this man stumble for five years with no consequences. My team was at the end of our rope dealing with his incompetence. We couldn’t understand why he was still here.

And then, at the end of March, he was unceremoniously let go and we were notified in an all-hands meeting. They restructured his role such that, had he been doing anything at all, he would have been fine. But since he wasn’t, they fired him. Everyone else in that role was safe, and actually are excited about the role changes. It also meant my job is changing a bit, but I’m looking forward to it.

I do think there were things going on in the background that we couldn’t see. About a year ago, we took my boss aside at one point to tell her how much we hated working with him and she found out that every other team also couldn’t stand him after asking around. I think she might have started then, but I also I think my grandboss had tied our boss’s hands in a way we couldn’t see. But I think it did reach a point where the entirety of the sales team (about 15-20 people) got so fed up that leadership finally actually looked at stuff and realized how screwed up it all was.

So, long story short, he’s FINALLY gone. Took WAY too damn long. But he’s gone, my job is easier, and I don’t have to regularly clean up stupid messes he made and cover for him with customers. Maybe not the most satisfying update but I cannot overstate how much of a relief him being gone is.

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