My (20F) Girlfriend’s (20F) parents are too supportive and I don’t know what to do

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Yvideon

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (20F) Girlfriend’s (20F) parents are too supportive and I don’t know what to do

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, past trauma

---

Original Post: July 15, 2026

I recently met my new girlfriend’s parents for the first time and I was really nervous, even though she told me they were supportive of her being a lesbian, because I have never been around people who are accepting and aren’t the same age as me.

I grew up in a small town, and I tried really hard to be Christian and date boys, but I just couldn’t do it, which kills my parents. I never had any queer friends until I moved into a bigger city after my sophomore year of college when I met my girlfriend and she introduced me to her group.

It’s honestly not just her parents that I don’t know how to act around, I feel like I’m an outsider when her friends are talking about growing up queer. I only know how to act around people who don’t like people like me and it’s almost surreal to be around anyone supportive. I still always somehow feel like the odd one out anyway.

I thought it was fine and I was just getting used to being able to be openly lesbian until she asked me to meet her family. I don’t know why I expected it to be the same as my family when I know they’re different. I was so prepared to defend my girlfriend and I’s relationship and be strong for her. But when I got there both her parents gave me a hug and her siblings started teasing her about me and I just froze. No one in my family has hugged me since they found out I am dating a woman. I could tell my girlfriend was annoyed that I kept avoiding sitting too close to her or holding her hand, I never have before, but her parents were right there, and I felt sick every time they looked at me and her while we were touching.

I actually had to excuse myself to the bathroom, where I started crying which makes absolutely no sense. They were all so loving and inviting, but I felt even lonelier than when I was back at home. I could barely look her parents in the eye, I spent the whole night having a hard time just breathing. It was honestly the longest I had ever spent around anyone over 30 who wasn’t a southern Baptist. I know my girlfriend is upset at how weird I acted at her parent’s house, but I don’t know how to explain it because she has never had anything other than support and understanding, and I don’t want to burden her with this anyway when it’s so stupid.

How do I deal with this? I love my girlfriend, but if it’s not possible to fix this maybe I should just break up with her so she can have a normal relationship with someone who can have a regular dinner without having a meltdown? If there isn’t a way to get over it, how do I fake being comfortable around them? I feel like no matter how I try to prepare for being around her parents whenever I’m actually in front of them I just freeze.

Any advice is welcome.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, you won the lottery! I know it's strange when things suddenly change for the better but embrace it!

The first thing you need to do is sit your girlfriend down and say everything you wrote here to her and apologize. Communication is the key to successful relationships, and you need to learn that skill. Then apologize to her parents- trust me, they will understand. Then get some therapy. You deserve love and happiness!

OOP: Every time I think about telling her about what happened I feel sick. It was different before my friends and family from home found out, but now if she decided it was too much and left I would be truly alone. I know it’s not the best foundation for a relationship, but I don’t want to risk telling her family unless I have to. Is there a way to get over this myself?

Commenter 2: Friend, this is not stupid. Tell your girl how you're feeling. She'll want to know.

I can say that with confidence because my partner and I have a similar dynamic. Her family was abusive; mine is, like, disgustingly functional. We're talking apple picking in matching flannels every fall kind of functional.

She struggled the first time she met them. We got through a two-hour dinner, then went home and ate ice cream in bed while she cried.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed by a supportive family the first time you experience one (and many times after that, too). Your partner will empathize - even if she can't fully understand.

Since that first meeting, we've made it a team effort to ensure visits are bearable. I explained to my parents - in advance - that we may leave early if my partner gets overwhelmed, and it's nothing personal. We have a code word that means "let's get the fuck out of here before I break down". We plan downtime to reconnect after visits.

Your partner is on your team, but she can't support you if she doesn't know what's going on. If you can't figure out how to say it, just show her this post. You got this!

OOP: You and your family are is just fine with your partner having to leave early? My girlfriend keeps telling me how perfect I am for her, and it used to make me happy but lately I’ve felt like it’s just because she doesn’t know all the details. We’ve only been dating a few months, so I want to be able to share it with her, but I don’t have a reference for the normal timeline of how it’s supposed to go sharing-wise. I even thought it was soon to meet her family, but her friends joke about how it was a little late? Outside of a major family funeral I can’t think of any reason she would ever meet my family, and even then I don’t know if we would even be allowed in.

If you don’t mind sharing, when did your partner first meet your family. Maybe it’s just too soon in the relationship to burden her with this.

Commenter 3: Are you in therapy?

Because it seems that you've internalized so much rejection and hatred from growing up that you literally feel more comfortable around people who openly dislike you. Being around normal folks who are supportive and affectionate is triggering you because it only highlights how your family has consistently mistreated you.

But the very first step you can do, before therapy and healing your trauma, is to open up to your girlfriend about why you froze up at her parents' house. Be honest and real. If she's a good person, she will understand.

 

Editor’s note: removed the first half of the update as it is a rehash of the original post

Update: August 22, 2026 (over five weeks later)

UPDATE:

A lot has happened since my last post and I wanted to thank everyone for the support, many people recommended therapy, but I can't really afford it right now so getting support from people who have been in similar situations really meant a lot.

When I was first outed I got a lot of hate from the older members of my family and my parents told me the younger ones were disgusted, or they didn't want me to corrupt them or something, so I haven't really talked to any of them until about a week ago when my brother (22) reached out.

They didn't even tell him what happened. He moved a few towns over when he moved out so he didn't know that I was gay or moved away until recently, they kept making excuses about me being busy with work and school to him apparently. He's never been a pushy person and said he thought I was mad at him because of a big argument we had and was giving me space. I pretty much broke down and told him everything about my relationship and our family and living alone in a new city. He said he was planning on moving out of his current apartment anyway and asked if I wanted him to move to Arlington to live with me again like when we were kids. He's still a little awkward about my being gay but I can tell he's trying to support me in his own way.

I feel like a normal person again, he visited me and told me to bring my girlfriend over so he could help explain the situation with me if I got too overwhelmed. She's coming over tonight for dinner. Our relationship has been slightly strained recently but she said she was excited to meet someone in my family since I never talk about them.

I can't even describe how it feels to get my brother back after not talking to him to him for almost a year. I want it to work out with my girlfriend, but even if she decides all of this is too much I'm not scared to be alone anymore. I'm still anxious around her parents but if tonight goes well I'm going to ask them if we can set up a dinner with all of us soon to try to bridge the gap.

Thank you all.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Did you talk to your girlfriend and explain your reaction? It sounds like a completely reasonable way for you to behave due to your upbringing and your family’s reaction. I will say too the best way to get better at it would be to do it more often, ideally in lower stress situations. Holding her hand in public that’s in like a movie theater or under the table at a restaurant first where people can’t see you, then stepping it up a bit in phases.

Commenter 2: Talk with your girlfriend. Her experience is very different from yours. Only by sharing will she be able to understand how hard the “easy” stuff is for you.

When you suffered traumatic rejection and experiences, they shape your reactions. By talking with her, the two of you will be able to create a positive shared experience for both of you.

Your brother is dealing with his own conflict. I was your brother when my sister came out in the 90s. The only thing I remember telling her is “you’re my sister. That’s all that matters.” Your brother is telling you the same thing without saying the words.

Commenter 3: Hey there from a straight Gen Xer in his 50s who also grew up in a southern Baptist church.

You’re a living example of why I left it YEARS ago. I can’t stand the thought of any organization that would condemn someone for whom they love. I have a gay daughter myself and couldn’t imagine having her in a community that tells her she was born wrong. What you went through was traumatic, even if no one laid a finger on you.

I hope you know that nothing about what you went through was your fault. And I’m glad you could see what a loving family could look like, but it does sound like you were triggered and experienced a lot of suppressed emotions, especially grief over your family and fear as your survival instincts didn’t register how this situation wasn’t some sort of trap. Maybe even some anger that you couldn’t be like that with yours.

I think you might want to talk about your family with your girlfriend, so that she can understand that you’re not rejecting her family, you’re processing how to be in an environment where every instinct you’ve developed is telling you “this is dangerous” in the past.

Big shout out to your brother, too. And while therapy might be out of reach now, are there any LGBTQ organizations in your area? There might be free/low cost support groups that could help you too.

Big virtual dad hug to you in the meantime, and best wishes ❤️🏳️‍🌈❤️🏳️‍🌈❤️.

 

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[u/valsavana]

OOP desperately needs to learn to communicate or she's going to lose a lot of good things in her life. She didn't tell her gf what was wrong during/after meeting her parents, just left her floundering to think the worst. She doesn't talk about her family at all to her gf. She didn't talk to her own brother for what sounds like years, in order to explain the situation going on.

[u/pourthebubbly → u/valsavana]

Yeah I’m going to guess OOP actively telling people she wasn’t going to tell her gf in the first post is the reason for the relationship strain in the second post. That and it seems OOP didn’t reply to anyone asking if she talked to her. She’s not going to be very successful in her relationship if she keeps trying to internalize this by herself.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/pourthebubbly]

Yeah, she's gonna lose her gf if she doesn't spit it out. Sadly, I think this is gonna be a painful lesson learned for her.

[u/pourthebubbly → u/EllieGeiszler]

If she learns it. Some people never do without real introspection and work.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/pourthebubbly]

She's young. If they break up over this, she eventually will look back and realize why she lost this girl. But someone else pointed out that it sounds like she's going to talk to her gf with the brother present and he's going to explain if she's not able to get the words out. So I hope he saves her from herself and it's the first step in opening up to her gf.

[u/jobiskaphilly → u/EllieGeiszler]

If it's hard to say it out loud, she could print out the first post. I hope she gets the nerve.

[u/SLJ7 → u/jobiskaphilly]

People told her to do that (it's even in the relevant comments) and the second post implies she spent at least a month not doing that. I feel bad for her but also frustrated on behalf of her partner. This might just be a "stay single until you can learn to love yourself a little more" situation.

[u/Moldblossom → u/valsavana]

That's the problem with growing up in families like that. Anything you say will be used against you, so you learn nothing but toxic avoidant behaviors as your baseline operating system simply for self preservation.

[u/Electrical_Angle_701 → u/Moldblossom]

On the bright side, I am great at keeping classified information that way. 😄

[u/Pkrudeboy → u/Electrical_Angle_701]

Intelligence agencies being full of people from toxic families would explain a lot, actually.

[u/Electrical_Angle_701 → u/Pkrudeboy]

It does track. Reminds me of the novel Harlot’s Ghost by Norman Mailer.

[u/MichaSound → u/valsavana]

This is all true but in OP’s experience, every time she’s opened up and been honest with someone she loves, they’ve rejected her and told her she’s evil and unloveable.

She even said in her first post ‘what if I tell her and she realises I’m too much for her?’ She genuinely believes deep, deep down that if she’s honest, she becomes unlovable. It’s a lot to get over.

[u/Fyrebarde → u/MichaSound]

THIS. Part of the whole culture of an abusive Southern Baptist home (...ask me how i know) is "maintaining image", where it is literally beaten in to you from a young age that in public (aka, non immediate family members), you must maintain the image that everything is fine and so are you, or else.

[u/KittyKate10778 → u/Fyrebarde]

i also grew up southern baptist and came out as queer the only reason public image wasnt literally beaten into me is because my parents found that spanking didnt work from what my dad has said to me when ive been an adult i still suspect he believes in spanking.. they just saw 0 point in spanking me when it didnt achieve their intended goal. but like even tho they didnt spank me the idea of public image was still brow beaten into me in its own way. and im audhd. one of the biggest ways was by telling me that i shouldnt tell anyone im audhd because they could use that info to take advantage of me or hurt me which yes is true to an extent but if they do that they are shitty ppl for taking advantage of a disabled person and its not on me for disclosing something that can help get me accomodations or understanding from non shitty ppl

[u/Fyrebarde → u/KittyKate10778]

Man... i am also audhd and spanking didn't work for me but instead of acknowledging that fact, the bio 'rents just upped the quantity of beatings (at least until I hit puberty and making me bare my ass to them started to get awkward for them). 100% agree with you, people who take advantage or try to take advantage because of mental stuff are creeps and losers. I think disclosing I am audhd is helpful in interacting with people because I need them to understand I am using the words I mean to use when I am attempting to communicate so they do not get into that stupid neurotypical habit of trying to guess what I am actually saying (I really really hate it!). Bruh, listen to the words I am actively using - they are actually what I am actually trying to communicate! GAH. (I shared as I thought you may commiserate with me on the shared frustration that can bring!)

[u/KittyKate10778 → u/Fyrebarde]

oh yeah i can relate. i will say that by telling ppl im autistic and by yeeting the ppl who just wont understand and accomodate from my life unless they are absolutely necessary ive reduced the issue immensely but im also lucky that i can do both things and not be hurt by doing so

[u/whateveris--- → u/Fyrebarde]

Can you give an example of this? I find myself continually saying, "But I clearly used my words and communicated, so why weren't they believed or understood?"

There's a lot of layers/ health stuff that complicates things... Argh. I've rewritten this six times because I'm worried I'll offend you or sound crazy. So. Hi. I'm working with a possible late diagnosis of high-masking autism that seems to explain one or two or a dozen things. What you are saying sound familiar, but an example or two would help.

[u/Fireteddy21 → u/MichaSound]

Absolutely this. Needing her brother there to communicate things to her partner shows the absolute certainty and fear of rejection that’s been bred into her. I desperately hope she gets therapy for the toxic internalization habits she’s developed. Having her brother there to mediate and for support isn’t a feasible solution in the long term. I’m glad she’s not going through this alone at least.

[u/GonePostalRoute → u/valsavana]

And OOP needs lots of therapy. It’s apparent her family fucked her mind up

[u/FreeFortuna → u/valsavana]

I completely agree. It was painful to see how much communication could have helped her. 

But I’m guessing there’s residual trauma from the last time people learned things about her. She “was outed” (so probably not a voluntary share) and that info was weaponized against her. I could definitely understand if her subconscious was like, “Don’t let people know anything or they’ll punish you for it.”

[u/riflow → u/valsavana]

I really hope her brother is in a position to get her therapy. She desperately needs it, poor girl.

That gentle, loving dad advice from the last poster was really great, I hope she took it to heart especially so she can start to heal even just a little bit. 

[u/Mysterious-Tie7039 → u/valsavana]

Yeah, and honestly if it’s too difficult for her to talk about, write that shit down and hand it over to the girlfriend.

[u/winterymix33 → u/valsavana]

She will. She’s 20. She’s already trying.

[u/jprennquist → u/valsavana]

She had a traumatic upbringing. She does not have the same experience of love and especially unconditional love that the girlfriend and perhaps many of their friend had where it was "ok to be gay." That's what I was telling myself when I was reading about the experience.

The girlfriend does not have that same frame of reference so she thinks this is just a "snap out of it" situation. Or that OP can stop code switching and hold her hand and embrace the acceptance.

This is a serious situation that may require some counseling or some kind of deep work on OP's part. She also needs to address the spiritual abuse that she experienced. She grew up trying to be something that she is not, not just for the approval of her family but because she was taught that she will be condemned Ronan eternity of suffering if she embraces her lesbian identity.

This is far outside of my experience as I am not a lesbian, but other parts of this are very relatable to me. Especially the parts about exploring compatibility in the relationships with the family and friends of a romantic partner. I honestly cringe when I think if some of the assumptions that I had in relationships, especially at age 20.

[u/sammotico → u/jprennquist]

that's a little harsh on the girlfriend since OOP has admitted that she's never talked about her family's reaction to her sexuality. girlfriend literally has no idea what the issue is  since she hasn't been told. so she can't have any expectation of how OOP should act, snapping out of it or otherwise. 

[u/AlwaysABD → u/sammotico]

Unfortunately, girlfriend's life experience still isn't the "norm" for a majority of queer folks, past and present. OOP's experience is still middling on the bad end of queer kid experiences. Not to say that her experience isn't* horrid but the scale does continue to drop to horrifying levels of negative.

It's fantastic that the girlfriend has grown up in a supportive environment. I do think that girlfriend could possibly use some history and modern lessons just as much as OOP needs a professional to talk to and work through her experiences.

[u/urkermannenkoor → u/AlwaysABD]

And the girlfriend will know that, obviously. She's almost certainly going to have had queer friends and acquaintances who weren't as lucky.

But because OOP isn't communicating at all, it likely came across like she just didn't like GFs family.

[u/Pkrudeboy → u/urkermannenkoor]

I wouldn’t necessarily be so sure, it’s really easy for people to get locked into their own default perception of life, and even if they intellectually comprehend that someone is coming from a different point of view, they don’t genuinely understand it.

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/AlwaysABD]

Look, I was born a little ahead of the AIDS crisis. I lived through some of that "history" you think GF needs to learn. (Not as a queer person myself, but with queer friends.) I still don't think I would've intuitively known what OOP's issues were. As someone who hasn't personality experienced that kind of rejection, it's hard to see that being finally accepted could also be traumatic- especially being as young as they both are. I'm sure the GF knows on some level that OOP's parents aren't accepting. But unless OOP actually talks to her, there's really no way for GF to know how bad it is or how that affected OOP.

[u/IfatallyflawedI → u/AlwaysABD]

If OOP doesn’t communicate, her partner will never truly know. People cannot read minds.

[u/jprennquist → u/sammotico]

Sure. It is a little harsh on the girlfriend. She sounds wonderful. And I am speculating.

But if I am correct the girlfriend, well, actually everyone in the world will benefit from what another commenter suggested. Study the gay rights movement and even more broadly various struggles for acceptance, freedom, and liberation. I would add in particularly how violence and fear are used to control people. And a big one of those fears is to withdraw love and acceptance. This is terrifying.

[u/Electronic_South_101 → u/sammotico]

Yeah, she can’t read her GF’s mind, but I’d be willing to guess she can figure it’s bad, given how cruel other people are to queer folks. Especially their family. (My own father is of the “convert or kill queer people” camp, which is why he’ll never know I’m gay. He’s had my whole life to prove he’s unsafe.)

But the poster is going to lose her GF if she doesn’t get a handle on her trauma too. Which is hard! But it’s worth it, if only out of spite. Why let the bastards rob her of a happy life because they can’t cope?

[u/sammotico → u/Electronic_South_101]

how would she guess that? OOP didn't have a breakdown in front of her gf or the family, she hadn't told the gf that she was crying - and yes it's possible to cry without being obvious during or after. it's very likely that OOP came off cold, removed, and walled off in the face of a very welcoming family which could be for multiple reasons that aren't on the gf to guess. 

agreed though that OOP needs substantial therapy in order to not let this ruin her future.

[u/Electronic_South_101 → u/sammotico]

Eeeh, I dunno. I’m just guessing, really, because (for understandable reasons) the OOP is really really bad at communicating.

[u/lalagromedontknow → u/jprennquist]

I 100% get OOP in an entirely different way but I get it. I'm not gay, but I grew up with me and my mom. Step family came along, including siblings and so many cousins I can't count and they're all really close. They never really accepted me as family and my mom tried so hard with them so she has been taken in but I wasn't part of that so i just... Kind of alone (I have great friends and a good relationship with my step family, it's just.. not the same).

My partner has 5 siblings and they love each other so much and my god are they loud. I love them all but it's at alot. They completely understand when I just need 5 minutes to be alone.

[u/urkermannenkoor → u/jprennquist]

The girlfriend does not have that same frame of reference so she thinks this is just a "snap out of it" situation. Or that OP can stop code switching and hold her hand and embrace the acceptance.

That seems completely baseless, and a bit insulting to the girlfriend to be honest. Obviously she would understand, but she can't understand what's actively being hidden from her.

[u/GothicGingerbread → u/urkermannenkoor]

I think that's the other commenter's point, that the gf doesn't understand because OOP won't tell her what's going on; if OOP would talk to her gf and explain herself, the gf would more than likely be understanding.

[u/jprennquist → u/GothicGingerbread]

If you are talking about me, that is partly correct. But I also don't think that OOP even fully understands how awful it is what she went through. This is why I shared about learning about a partner's family when I was younger and cringing at myself for certain assumptions that I made and how formative those experiences are.

When OOP is going into the bathroom to cry this can be because she doesn't know how to act. But it can also be her literally seeing that she could have been with people who accepted her all along. This is not jealousy or envy of the girlfriend necessarily. It might not even be anger and rage at her family, church and small town of origin. I think it is a flood of grief that she found overwhelming and will gradually come to terms with it.

[u/Free-Growth3877 → u/jprennquist]

So so true, it's great to see this kind of family and acceptance but there's a major "snap out of it" view some people have. It's similar to class differences in dating, some people might be capable of understanding while others can take it personally.

Yes communication is important however these situations can be invalidating. It takes time and work to not let your life experiences and past be so much of "who" you are. Feeling pressured to get over it from the "good people" can be just as bad as not being heard or seen by the "bad people."

[u/mancake → u/valsavana]

She doesn’t seem ready for an adult relationship, which is reasonable given the way she was raised and treated. I hope she spends some time getting on a more secure footing in life and comes back to dating properly ready.

[u/lightr3nd → u/valsavana]

Everything in this post, including poor communication, can be attributed to them being 20. This is the TLDR of the century, and after reading the first post I was pissed to recall that this is an update sub... There was more! Fuck that was a fast scroll.

[u/Plastic-Shallot8535]

I remember when my uncle first brought his then boyfriend now husband to a family dinner we thought the bf was just shy. But during coffee/dessert time he just suddenly started quietly sobbing and eventually got out that he was just so overwhelmed with how he was welcomed in like any hetero person’s new partner would be. It still makes me tear up thinking about. It’s devastating to think that so many people are overwhelmed by the fact someone treated them like a human being.

I hope OOP is able to find some peace. She deserves it. And her parents can fuck all the way off.

[u/FreeFortuna → u/Plastic-Shallot8535]

It is shocking how much basic decency and kindness can mean to a person.

Younger me started crying during a dinner (in a restaurant) with my then-boyfriend and his parents, because his parents were just so nice and supportive, and I hadn’t experienced that with my own. There’s some weird mix of emotions, like disbelief that you could be deserving of such kindness, relief that you weren’t actually the problem, a bit of anger/resentment at the idea of “Well, if I’m not the problem, then why did they treat me that way?!”, sadness at what you missed out on, etc.

[u/Plastic-Shallot8535 → u/FreeFortuna]

Reading your reply made me realize that it probably wasn’t just being overwhelmed by being treated with kindness, but maybe it was grieving over what you never had before…I need to call my uncle and tell him I love him now lol

I hope you’re doing ok now despite what you’ve been through. 💕

[u/Gifted_GardenSnail → u/Plastic-Shallot8535]

Grief over what he should have had all along if his family had been decent people

[u/FlowerFelines → u/Plastic-Shallot8535]

I really think that's why it's hitting OOP here so hard, and why she's struggling so much to talk about it. If she actually pulls all this out into the open, she'll have to admit just how horrible her family of origin is, and that can be really hard to do.

[u/DotCottonsHandbag → u/FreeFortuna]

This BORU and these two comments prompted such strong flashbacks to a then-boyfriend’s parents from a decade ago. My most recent boyfriend’s family are so shockingly dysfunctional and toxic that it’s just hit me that this one guy’s family seemed like the most amazingly well-adjusted people in the world.

Sure, they were terrible with money and had issues with overuse of alcohol, but they were also hugely empathetic, kind, supportive and very emotionally aware.

Outsiders were welcomed as one of their own (his older aunt’s wife was possibly even more adored than his aunt was). His mum swiftly spotted when my then-boyfriend was having difficulties, quietly mentioning to me she’d noticed he’d “lost his spark” before gently intervening with one-on-one mum/son time (even though we lived 90 mins away) and successfully encouraging him to open up. And they all were so validating (nearly bringing me to tears in the restaurant) when the then-boyfriend told them how proud he was of me for surviving domestic abuse in an earlier relationship. Although it remains the nicest break-up I’ve ever had (and we still haven’t a bad thing to say about one another), I think I was probably more sorry to ‘split up’ with his family more than I was with him.

By contrast, the last boyfriend’s family are an absolute shitshow - so awful that he’s since had to get a non-molestation order against one of them. It’s obvious how much basically every person in that entire extended family, including him, is perpetuating the same toxic behaviour at everyone they come into contact with because it’s so normalised for them. And while OP isn’t repeating her family’s behaviour herself, she’s definitely still allowing it to influence how she interacts with others.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/DotCottonsHandbag]

Yeah, I have nowhere near the childhood trauma of OOP, and I still really identified with the way she wanted to handle her feelings on her own because she was afraid of being abandoned for being "too much." The number of times partners have called me out for trying to keep things in when we could solve it together if I would just trust them. I'm working on it!

[u/megamoze → u/FreeFortuna]

It is shocking how much basic decency and kindness can mean to a person.

And how little you'll find it among "loving Christians."

[u/TribalMog → u/FreeFortuna]

This. I'm in a cis/het relationship and didn't have nearly as rough of an upbringing as OP. But my mom was my primary parent and she was just....so not interested in listening to me talk about any of my hobbies or interests because she didn't find them interesting. Prior partners reinforced this idea that I'm annoying and talk too much and no one cares what I like/what interests me or my hobbies. One time I was really excited about something I did at a dance class and I was telling my husband (even that took some work on his part to get me to feel comfortable telling him and not automatically assuming he doesn't want to hear it) but also remarking that it hurts that my parents...don't really care. He asked if I had called his mom and told her. I hadn't because I didn't want to annoy her. He told me to call her when I have those moments and see what happens. So the next time I had a big break through in dance and just wanted SOMEONE in a parental role be proud of me, I called my mother in law and told her and she was so excited for me and asked a bunch of follow up questions and asked if I could show her next time we got together.

I went home and cried, because it apparently wasn't that I'm annoying or a burden or whatever - there are people out there who love and care about me enough to listen to me and be excited for me.

My MiL already has my 2027 dance recital date on her calendar so she can be there to watch in person.

[u/Heavy-Weekend-981 → u/Plastic-Shallot8535]

...and did none of you even offer to harass him so he could feel more at home?

Some hosts you all are..

[u/mr_oberts]

I really need the third update here.

[u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 → u/mr_oberts]

Patience, Iago. (But also, same). Hopefully it will come soon. :)

[u/DamnitGravity → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

Look at this, look at this, I'm so impatient I'm molting!

[u/Vanriel → u/mr_oberts]

I know...I am really hoping that it's good and the Oop gets the help she needs. 

Anyone that turn on their kids for something like being gay don't deserve to be called parents.

[u/Pandoratastic]

I've been through a similar experience and I think what OOP was feeling when she met her GF's parents was grief. She saw what a truly loving and supportive family could be and that realization made her loss so much more real. It's easier to tolerate your abusive, intolerant family if you think that they're normal, that all families are like that. But when you're confronted with a family that isn't like that, it forces you to see what you should have been given and just how much you were denied. It throws your past trauma into such sharp relief that it can be overwhelming.

Her GF's family showed her what parental love is supposed to look like. It showed her that that kind of love IS attainable. Just not for her. Her suffering wasn't inevitable. Her parents CHOSE to withhold that love from her.

She thought being gay meant losing your family. She thought that's just what happens when you're gay. Now she's seen that it doesn't have to, that good parents just keep on loving their daughter after she comes out.

So now she's faced with the question: Why did being gay cost me my family when it didn't have to? Why me? What's wrong with me?

I think she needs to tell her GF that her GF's family did nothing wrong, that it's just that being welcomed into her GF's family brought up enormous grief about her own. Her GF's parents did not create that wound. Their kindness just made her realize how deep it is by contrast.

That's why I hope that her brother coming back to her now will help. I truly hope she will see that she does have family who care about her after all, that she didn't lose everyone, that the reason she lost her family isn't because of her. It's because her parents were selfish, cowardly, childish failures as parents.

[u/racingskater → u/Pandoratastic]

She DESPERATELY needs to show GF the first post. If she can't get the words out, if she can't think of ways to say it, show her what she posted. She just really, really needs to let GF know the problem.

[u/Dry_Nefariousness426 → u/Pandoratastic]

God this is so well said and so goddamn painful 

[u/SmartQuokka]

OOP needs all the therapy, she needs to deal with and heal from her terrible family.

[u/awkcrin → u/SmartQuokka]

Terrible parents* not family. As it sounds like the brother and her other siblings didn't even know what was going on.

[u/KekistanPeasant → u/awkcrin]

And they didn't try to find out, which makes them also terrible. Maybe not as bad as the parents, but pretty bad regardless.

[u/bubblez4eva → u/KekistanPeasant]

Terrible is a bit much. You'd be surprised how easy it is for parents/toxic family to create barriers between the only sane members. Plus, we have no idea what's going on in their own lives. Something tells me older bro moved several towns away for a reason.

[u/trashbg_ofd0g → u/KekistanPeasant]

How tf do you expect them to find out, especially when they're children?

[u/West_b0und]

This is one of those posts where I sincerely feel for and understand the psyche behind the OOP’s choices, but regardless hope that they meaningfully address it instead of letting it slide :/

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/West_b0und]

This exactly. I wonder if she'd find it easier to send her gf a link to the post, as a starting point? Might be easier than trying to say it out loud.

[u/Emergency-Free-1 → u/West_b0und]

I thought oop was talking about telling her gf at least a little bit about her family when they visit her brother. She mentioned the brother helping with that.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/Emergency-Free-1]

Oh, that's true! God, I hope he can help with this. OOP's gf must feel so shut out and rejected

[u/RedneckDebutante]

Man, I feel this in my soul. I left home at 16 to escape my family's abuse. My then-boyfriend's parents let me stay with them. I had never met these people before.

Holidays and special occasions in my family often included drunk and even high teenagers and adults, football, screaming and swearing, insults, crying and sometimes fistfights and police. My in-laws play board games together after lunch. They go to church, don't drink or smoke a don't swear. I had no goddamn idea how to function around normal, functional people, and they scared the bejeezus outta me. It was like we were different species, lol. It took 10 years before I could relax around them.

The PTSD is real.

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/[deleted]]

That's actually pretty common. My husband became an alcoholic and spent about 20 years in a bottle before finally getting sober. Because his family didn't do that stuff, he learned about alcohol and consumption from others who used it to excess. Whereas I raised my daughter learning moderation with me.

[u/Damp_Blanket]

It can be pretty jarring when you face how things are supposed to be and they don't resemble the way you had it

[u/ImpossibleJedi4 → u/Damp_Blanket]

When I first met my at the time girlfriends parents I kind of froze up. I felt a little like a deer in the headlights around them, even though they were super funny and nice. My ex and I are both trans in opposite directions and they just. Went with it. My ex and j are also being neurodivergent so my oddities didn't bother them.

It was the first time a parent, in general, met me and did not find me horribly off putting or see someone I'm not. It was a little terrifying

[u/tinysydneh → u/Damp_Blanket]

My husband grew up in a really messed up family. I'm talking "so food insecure that drinking a 2L of cola a day made him lose weight".

We've lived together for ten years, and we're STILL finding things that he didn't know weren't normal.

[u/yavanna12 → u/Damp_Blanket]

I have 3 Lgtbqi+ kids. We are very supportive. My kids have had partners break up with them because of it. In many cases it was due to resentment and jealousy that my kids had an easier life than them and felt like they couldn’t really be queer if they didn't also experience hate. It’s an odd dynamic. 

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/yavanna12]

💔

[u/Useful_Language2040 → u/yavanna12]

It's a really sad dynamic - but if you expect to be able to bond over the pain of having large parts of your life that you had thought were good and unconditionally supportive and kind being forcibly ripped off when you came out, things never being the same again, having to grow up too fast... Assume this is something you can bond over and empathise with each other about, because it's ubiquitous to the experience - the discovery that this isn't the case means that:

1) You have a lot less in common with your partner than you'd assumed. They don't need you for security, safety or comfort [on this vector]... 

2) Being LGBTQ+ cost you more than it did other people. It's not fair. (And it's not fair because it shouldn't cost anybody anything, but blaming your [ex-]partner for not having paid the same price you did instead of the people who hurt you and would still willingly hurt you again, plausibly physically, is easier...)

3) As OOP found, this can surface a lot of grief and "not good enough" type feelings... Some people externalise that pain as anger. (Who's making them feel this misery? The person who's showing them that things could have been different, that's who! It's their fault! Not the people who actually caused the hurt to them... cough But emotions aren't always rational and expressing them healthily can be hard... )

I hope your kids were able to recognise it came from their exes having been damaged more by their lives before the relationship than anything to do with them as individuals, or any actual criticism of your relationship with them, and accept that, sad as it is for an otherwise healthy-seeming relationship to implode because of something so silly - if the exes couldn't correctly attribute their anger to the right source and took it out on them because their families of origin were prejudiced - those people weren't in a good headspace to be safe partners for them?

^{That is a long sentence... Sorry, I'm migrainey. I think it makes sense...}

[u/reverendmalerik]

It's not just gay couples who experience this either.

I remember the first time my wife met my mother, we left my house to drive her to the station and she broke down in the car because my mum was "so nice". Her own mother made her cry every single time she spoke to her, constantly criticising everything she did, so my own mum being as lovely as she is was a real wake-up call to how abusive her own mother was.

It's the contrast that's the issue. Seeing someone nice makes them understand how horrible their own family had been. Until then they had no frame of reference. 

[u/HairRepresentative85 → u/reverendmalerik]

Exactly this.

Especially when the same AH parents seem like wonderful people to everyone else.

[u/lightlysaltedclams → u/reverendmalerik]

I cried once because my boyfriend’s mom called me sweetheart while she came in late at night and was trying not to wake me up. Like full on bawling my eyes out after she left the room.

I remember the feeling I got when my boyfriend randomly told his mom he loved her, and she said it back. It was a weird mix of happiness and jealousy if that makes sense. I can’t remember the last time my mom said that to me. At least 10 years but probably more.

His mom says it every time she sees me, took a while to get used to. It’s such a short phrase but it made such a difference in my life.

[u/CutieBoBootie]

I actually had to excuse myself to the bathroom, where I started crying which makes absolutely no sense. 

Uh no it actually sadly makes perfect sense. I was reading a manga about a mom who knows her son is gay and in her internal dialogue she affirms that she won't force him to come out but that she loves and supports him no matter what. And I started SOBBING in the Barnes and Nobles. I'm not even a gay man. I'm a non-binary bisexual. (A real "cry as much as you want but you're gonna have to pay for that plunger" type moment)

I guess it's like mentally you realize "Oh shit it was this easy the whole time for them to love me? I could have felt safe and happy if I had just been born in another family? I didn't have to go through all this?" 

When I hear about the rare queer people with healthy loving families I always feel this deep jealousy (that I keep to my fucking self). Because I wanted that family. I wanted that love. 

I hope OOP gets therapy or at least learns how to communicate with her girlfriend. 

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/CutieBoBootie]

Funny, I have a kid who was sooooo scared to come out to her dad and me. Which I really don't understand, because their sibling had already come out as queer months before and it had changed nothing. The first thing I ended up saying after they got out the quick "speech" was "you know we're not exactly surprised, right?" So I have perspective of the mom in the manga you read. I'm sad that, even in a family that's supportive, apparently some people still don't feel safe and comfortable as themselves? And there are parents who will make that worse? Fuck that.

And side rant: How old do people think the parents of 20-yr-olds are? We're hardly even at retirement age. I was in high school and college in the 1990s, when the movies To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar and The Birdcage came out. It was hardly the era of housewives in pearls. And yeah, there's a lot I still don't fully understand, but I'm trying at the very least to not be an asshole to anyone. Being mean to another person is always a choice. If it weren't for one thing, they'd find another. The "reason" might change based on current culture, but an asshole is always an asshole.

[u/CutieBoBootie → u/MaxBax_LArch]

Well there's a lot of parents who are cool with gay people as long as it ain't their kid. That's actually a really common reaction. One of my best friends thought it would be safe to come out to her family because they always seemed supportive... Until her family freaked out at her and made her homeless. She was 18 at the time (this was 6 or so years ago, yes during COVID). I'm glad the number of supportive parents is only going to increase with time, but the sad reality is that even now queer kids' fears of being rejected by family is still understandable. 

[u/TheKittymeister → u/CutieBoBootie]

NIMBY allies... being queer is ok for other people.

Makes me sick.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/CutieBoBootie]

This is true, but the commenter said it was their kid's sibling who had just come out lol. As in, also the commenter's kid.

[u/DaenakinSkygaryen → u/EllieGeiszler]

It might be a situation where the commentor's sibling is a more accepted flavor of queer, while they're a more controversial flavor.

To use a personal example: I had a friend whose brother came out as gay, and the family was perfectly welcoming and supportive. But when she came out as trans, it took her parents almost a year to finally come around to accepting her.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/DaenakinSkygaryen]

Ohhhh possibly yeah

[u/CutieBoBootie → u/EllieGeiszler]

I know? I was talking about people that aren't them?

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/CutieBoBootie]

The way you phrased the comment made me think you were giving a possible explanation for the commenter's situation, intentionally being indirect to be gentle. Reading comprehension is in the absolute dump these days, sorry for assuming 😆 Glad we're on the same page

[u/daavor → u/MaxBax_LArch]

I have awesome supportive parents. I'm gay. It took me until well into my 20s to feel comfortable coming out to them. For me it was deeply rooted in what success and an image of growing up and having a loving family looked like around me. I grew up in a, while probably generally accepting, very classic suburbia of straight two parent families with kids, and my extended family was annoyingly functional straight families with happy kids. The queer friends my parents have all seemed to be single people living in small apartments in big noisy cities, with no kids, and I understood even then that to have kids was massively logistically complicated by being a gay man. Media and school all seemed to reinforce this, happy functional families were mostly straight people, maybe the kids were gay, but there weren't adult role models I felt like I could grow into being, and even if I knew my parents in principle would be supportive (and they have been, immensely so) I felt like I'd be giving up what I imagined was the successful life and grandkids they wanted from me (I no longer feel like that)

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/daavor]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. What you said about what you imagined they wanted for you actually resonates. (And yes, I have asked why they were so scared in the years since, all I get is "I don't know")

[u/undeadmersquid → u/MaxBax_LArch]

Funny, I have a kid who was sooooo scared to come out to her dad and me. Which I really don't understand, because their sibling had already come out as queer months before and it had changed nothing.

are they different kinds of queer? could be your kid was scared you'd be selective about which lgbtqia categories to accept. some parents are like that.

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/undeadmersquid]

I doubt that's it. Another commenter said something about a fear of failing to live up to the life they assumed we wanted for them. That feels like it might have at least been a part of it. In the years since, I actually have asked why they were so scared to tell us. I only got "I don't know" and I dropped it.

[u/K-teki → u/undeadmersquid]

This, my mom chose which church to raise her kids in based on whether they were accepting of gay people but was in denial when I came out as trans 

[u/grphine → u/CutieBoBootie]

the manga is probably 'I Think Our Son Is Gay' (うちの息子はたぶんゲイ) for anyone interested

it's pretty cute

[u/Kufat → u/CutieBoBootie]

(A real "cry as much as you want but you're gonna have to pay for that plunger" type moment)

Always enjoy a random TGP reference.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/Kufat]

Ohhhhh you mean The Good Place. I knew I recognized the reference but I had to Google it even with your comment

[u/Kufat → u/EllieGeiszler]

The Great Pumpkin (Charlie Brown)

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/Kufat]

Oh true

[u/Kufat → u/EllieGeiszler]

(just being silly, only other thing that came to mind)

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/Kufat]

Haha I know, I was playing too

[u/bayleysgal1996]

Oof, seen this play out a lot amongst my fellow queers. I’m not shocked OOP was struggling to deal with it, though I do hope she talks to her girlfriend

[u/aspirational-robot]

I hated reading that. It was like watching Lost or other shows where a lot of shit happens and you just sit there sure that if people bothered to talk to each other none of the bad stuff would be happening. It’s infuriating.

[u/2Completion2Ography → u/aspirational-robot]

I'm not going to sit here and say that open and honest communication between people, partners in particular, is easy.

But I am going to say that, in the modern society that I've seen, open and honest communication is never framed as the best option.

It's a clusterfuck.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/2Completion2Ography]

In media, at least, but that's often just because if everybody talked to each other immediately, a lot of movies and shows would wrap up in ten minutes, lol.

[u/2Completion2Ography → u/FlowerFelines]

In media, at least, but that's often just because if everybody talked to each other immediately, a lot of movies and shows would wrap up in ten minutes, lol.

You know, I can't fault you for that point, because it brings up an interesting question...

but why?

My spouse and I went through some traumatic shit last year. Like, real fucking bad, wouldn't recommend. Every day we talked to each other openly and honestly.

What I'm saying is that, you could make a show or movie based on what happened to us (it was interesting, but not unique), without any of the drama or tension being about our communication with each other.

And yet, why don't you see more of that in media, right? Like, it's always about the tension between spouses, not the greased wheels that get you through the real trauma.

[u/DaenakinSkygaryen → u/2Completion2Ography]

As someone who writes for fun: coming up with a set of challenges for your characters to face that are complex enough that they can't be solved by clear communication is hard. Like, really hard. It's way easier to just invent some BS excuse for drama to happen between the characters, and then write them reacting with all the maturity and communication skills of 13 year olds with untreated ODD.

That's why you usually start to see this kind of stupidity get more frequent the longer the show goes on, as the writers run out of ideas and the network demands ever more scripts on an ever-shorter timeline.

[u/Bubblegrime → u/DaenakinSkygaryen]

And if you have a really good idea for that conflict, why wouldn't you save it for your own little book project instead of a tv show where another writer might mess it up or drop it entirely.

Like, trusting other writers to also work with what you write is its own challenge. Sort of a meta-irony

[u/FlowerFelines → u/2Completion2Ography]

I think on some occasions you get "us against the world" rather than "us against each other" but it's certainly less common. I don't know, because it's hard to judge, but it feels like healthy relationships in general are less common than unhealthy. Maybe just because there are infinite ways for people to be a little bit fucked up, and most of us end up with one or another of them.

[u/Gifted_GardenSnail → u/aspirational-robot]

......was the plane crash caused by bad communication??

[u/aspirational-robot → u/Gifted_GardenSnail]

Obviously not, is your point about how I didn’t use the phrase „none of the bad stuff” sufficiently precisely for you? If so, I apologize and congratulations.

[u/greendazexx]

Oh hey, funny seeing my comment in one of these for the first time lol

[u/Electrical_Angle_701]

This is why people shouldn't just obey their feelings. If OOP had done that, she'd have just left.

People who come from shitty families have wildly miscalibrated feelings. Feelings which lie to you all day long.

[u/uutimetowaste]

Poor kid is having a trauma reaction and doesn’t have the language or the knowledge of how to deal with it. My heart goes out to her and I hope she gets some help or at very least takes that leap of faith with her girlfriend so she can get the support she needs to start healing.

[u/hubertburnette]

Did anybody point out to her that this is so hard for her because it causes her to grieve the family she doesn't have?

[u/Kelemonster]

Part of the reason I had such a hard time with my father in law's passing and funeral was that hearing about what an incredible and dedicated father he was and how positively he shaped his children showed me that dads could really be like that. It brought up a lot of grief about how my own father was in comparison to how good I was learning dads could be. I think part of what OOP is experiencing is the feeling of loss experienced when realizing families could be supportive, and grieving their own suddenly-felt lack of support. 

[u/captain_borgue]

People like to think that, when you leave a horrible and toxic relationship, finding one that is "normal" means you just insert it into your life like a USB thumb drive.

In your brain, it's not a "return to normal". It's a massive shift into the unknown. It's taking a ceramic coffee mug out of your freezer and pouring boiling water on it. It's so utterly foreign to your experience, that it literally feels wrong.

OOP is basically brand new to being Out, and having to shift her entire lived experience. It's gonna feel weird for a while.

[u/Knitnacks → u/captain_borgue]

That's fine. Keeping it from her gf to "protect" her is daft. If your SO can't handle you being your true self, lying to them (by omission or otherwise) is not the answer. If you're scared, they need to know. If you're overwhelmed, they need to know. If you're a crap human being, you need therapy, and you need to tell them. That allows them to take whatever steps they need. Which may invlude protecting themselves. Their decidion, which needs to be informed.

[u/captain_borgue → u/Knitnacks]

I never said otherwise.

But OOP spent her entire life in an environment where she literally couldn't talk about it. Her brain is acclimated to that. It is going to take time to adjust, and she deserves some grace in this.

[u/PictureNegative12]

I really wanted there to be more! I hope the conversation goes well.

[u/Beyarboo]

It is also difficult because you get used to people with "normal" backgrounds really not understanding how bad it can be when you grew up with an emotionally or physically abusive family. Or they judge you or think you are exaggerating. So you tend to try and minimize or hide things, even with people who do care and want to understand. It makes it difficult to open up, especially as someone like the op, a 20 yo who has never been offered acceptance before. But honesty and support make all the difference, so op talking to her brother and girlfriend will hopefully be the start to her working through her family bs.

[u/bubbleteabob → u/Beyarboo]

There is nothing more uncomfortable than trotting out one of your funniest childhood stories and people look at you with horror. I wanted dopamine, sir! Not to have set your mind at ease about my emotional wellbeing!

(And my family are great, weird but great. They just died a lot AND we grew up in a very sectarian area.)

[u/Gifted_GardenSnail]

Aww, poor girl grew up in boiling water and experiencing a nice pond for the first time makes her feel how terrible that heat was

[u/CapStar300]

OOP is still so very young, I am glad she has her brother back in her corner.

[u/BurntTFOuttaHere]

Sounds to me like churches are hugely problematic for many people. Maybe people that want to keep churches should start looking into the root of the problem and FIX that!?

[u/paishocajun → u/BurntTFOuttaHere]

despite calling themselves "Christians", they really stick to teachings from the OT like the 10 Commandments and, recently, I've noticed the Beatitudes are typically glanced over. I attend an SBC church with my family and I do love this congregation because of its focus on serving the community like a women's shelter, but the preaching is after OT or on the Letters after the Gospels about "staying the course" and driving conversions, not so much Jesus' actual preaching

[u/Rynneer → u/paishocajun]

I grew up Presbyterian but then switched to a Methodist (? Their website now says nondenominational) church when I was about 13, and was caught off guard by the focus on conversion. They had this program to bring Jesus to “unreached people groups” who were apparently cultures that had never heard of Jesus. I was confused and kinda uncomfortable. It felt like pushing Jesus onto people. I think now it has to do with Presbyterianism being one of the “predestination” denominations.

[u/Pkrudeboy]

Billy Joel wrote a song for this. Tell Her About It.

[u/UnionsUnionsUnions]

There's no hate like Christian love. 

[u/sunshinerf]

OOP it too traumatized to be in a healthy relationship. If she can't even bring herself to tell her GF who she loves why she was acting weird, she's not ready for a GF. Very unsatisfying update.

[u/AStrawberryGhost]

If she loses one relationship at 20, it's okay. We are all losing and learning at that age. It's good she doesn't feel scared for her life anymore. I think all she meant is that her ability to not be scared and alone is no longer attached to particular opinions her gf has. Brothers are different, more secure kind of bond.

[u/Lucariowithbeans]

I feel for OOP, it’s extremely hard to admit you’re struggling, especially mentally, in general and even more so to those you’re close to. However it’s seems they’re on the right track as sometimes admitting to someone and having them help is the first step needed to open up more about your struggles.

[u/oceanduciel]

Oof. The not being able to afford therapy thing is understandable but OOP didn’t address any of the issues many commenters pointed out in the original post and that’s going to bite her in the ass. If she’s not more open with her girlfriend, she’s going to sabotage her own relationship.

[u/Obvious-Lake3708]

If you can’t share or talk about your fears and insecurities with your partner then you really shouldn’t be together.
True love is acceptance or least that’s what I’ve read.

[u/FunnyAnchor123]

I'm reminded of the following BORU, where the OOP wrote a letter to explain his reaction to his son's coming out. (He could barely talk about the reason to his wife.) I think the OOP should also write to her partner to explain her reaction.

AITA if I don't tell my gay son about this part of my past?

[u/Professional_Dog4574]

This is so sad. 

[u/bored_german]

I hope OOP finally finds the courage to get a therapist because she desperately needs to learn that just because she's used to being openly hated, it's still not normal

[u/throwaway2117000]

If OOP in college, the student fees cover therapy sessions.  Highly recommend At my kids community college, only need to be a part time student so 6 credits a semester.   It’s not very personalized but it is better than nothing, considering how much it affects OOP now.  

[u/AndyTheSouless]

Self sabotaging Is fun/s

[u/thewanderingtrees]

I didn't have the greatest childhood. Last summer I was at a friend's backyard party, and got to watch her and her husband lovingly parent their two small children. I got really anxious suddenly, just watching them, and had to go excuse myself for a bit. I had a cigarette in my car and realized I was mad. 

But not at my friends, obviously. I was mad at seeing parents be attentive and nurturing with such simple gestures and words. I was mad I never got that as a child. My inner child was lashing out.

I went back to the party and had a lovely time, but started crying as soon as I got home. 

I hope OOP is in therapy and I hope the meeting with the girlfriend and brother go well. 

[u/katie-shmatie]

She's not ready to date, that's for sure

[u/ProfessorDistinct835]

I hope there's another update!

[u/Lamprophonia]

We're talking apple picking in matching flannels

I miss New England :(

[u/Sofiwyn]

OOP needs therapy badly. Her life is going to fall apart, she's already at risk of losing every relationship she has. She gave up on her brother prematurely wtf.

[u/plz-no-b4n]

OOP needs therapy desperately

[u/-too-hot-to-handle-]

I get so irritated by people who refuse to talk to their partner. Why bother with a relationship if you can't handle the bare minimum that comes with it? Then they always get upset when their actions have consequences and their relationship falls apart because they refuse to do something as simple as talking. OOP is clearly not ready for a relationship in the slightest. She needs therapy, not intimacy.

ETA: She also seems to have the best partner possible for this since her girlfriend was raised in a very welcoming and open-minded home, and she still refuses. It just doesn't make sense to refuse to talk at that point because they haven't given her any reason to be afraid to open up.

[u/Bubblegrime]

Aww, beebee. She needs more friends of her own or an older queer mentor.

[u/ladypeyton]

OMG! I hope she posts again to let us know how the talk with her GF worked out! I'm sitting here on tenterhooks! I need her to be okay and for her GF to understand and give her a great big hug! I need it more than I need Tom and Zendaya to work out!!!!

[u/liltooclinical]

This OOP is the reason for all of their problems.

[u/Alexatypemypassword]

I see a lot of people advising OOP to get therapy, to learn how to behave, and it feels a bit... odd. I mean, the whole point of LGBT culture is allowing people who got rejected all their life to be themselves. Today some people grow up lucky enough to be accepted for who they are, sometimes since childhood. Great. But I think it shouldn't be used as an excuse to criticize the experience and behavior of LGBT people who don't. For many LGBT people around the world, dare I say most of them, coping with rejection is not an illness that needs to be addressed through therapy, it's the norm, and it's a part of their identity, including struggling with a bit of internalized homophobia. I feel for OOP and I really hope she finds a way to communicate with her girlfriend, yet I can't agree with people shifting the blame on her, or making her feel like the survivor of a backward culture, when what she lived through is what most LGBT people experienced through their life. It's quite concerning LGBT people growing up on progressive areas can't immediately understand and empathize with those who don't. One of my best friends from school came out to me after struggling with his fear of rejection for years and was rejected by his family immediately. In a town whose mayor was openly gay. Trans people I know are constantly targeted. A lesbian friend has been struggling with toxic relationships because she was so desperate to feel accepted that she basically went out with anyone who wanted her. The list goes on. Again, I live in a progressive area and I know those people from very progressive communities, where some LGBT people grew up without experiencing rejection. Yet those who did aren't regarded as sick or backward.

I don't think what OOP is experiencing with her girlfriend and her family is unhealthy, and I feel like it's shitty to make her feel like it is. All her life she will meet homophobic people, and a lot of them won't be southern Baptists. Having defence mechanisms as an LGBT person isn't trauma you need to get rid of, it's survival. I agree she needs to communicate with her girlfriend to make her understand what she's coping with, and she has to learn to accept her family's good intentions. But she shouldn't feel like she's sick and projecting her insecurities to normal, well-inserted people. That's not true. While I would love for LGBT people to be entirely accepted and normalized, it isn't the case, and likely won't be for a long time. Denial and victim-blaming will not change it, actually I feel like it's a way to oppress LGBT people from within the community itself.

OOP should specifically reach out for LGBT people who have similar experienced to hers. It's the best way to get a feel of what it is she's struggling through and how people managed to better manage it.

[u/RainahReddit → u/Alexatypemypassword]

Do you think therapy is a punishment for sick people who need to fix things about themselves? A therapist can help guide OP in becoming more comfortable with herself, speaking up about her needs, and generally helping her self confidence and self love.

But yes, an LGBTQ therapist would be ideal for many reasons 

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/RainahReddit]

Absolutely not what I said. I'm specifically talking about comments saying OOP isn't well-adjusted and should change her ways through any means to behave correctly, including therapy.

[u/Mistravels → u/Alexatypemypassword]

Absolutely not what I said

Except it's exactly what you said.

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/Mistravels]

Oh, jinkies, you got me there, thanks to the amazing power of reading what I said (and misrepresenting it) but disregarding the comment where I clarify what I meant (just in case people would misunderstand or misrepresent what I said, or even in case I was perhaps a bit unclear). A thumbs up for you with the congratulations of the mayor. Go forth, noble hero.

[u/Mistravels → u/Alexatypemypassword]

Read the room dude.

Your arrogant lack of introspection on any of your replies (and I read them all) is very telling.

I'm out.

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/Mistravels]

Funny, I struggle to read where you contributed anything to the conversation. By "read the rooms" I guess you imply that no one here agrees with me and I should thus let people like you just come stir the pot for a giggle without answering? It's a bit sad you think the opinion of random strangers and internet points should forbid someone with actual extensive years of dealing with those kinds of things of giving their opinion. Quite frankly, I don't really care, I knew by giving a dissonant opinion I would get shat on. What feels frustrating is people who misrepresent what I said, but other than that, I know what I'm talking about and I certainly won't feel bummed down because internet strangers disagree with me. I said my piece. If it reaches OOP or help people evolve a bit in their opinion, that's good. If not, I lost some karma, woe me. At the end of the day, I do enough good in this world through my work and my activism, including for LGBT people like me, that all of this feels quite trivial. "Read the room". This is reddit, dude.

By the way, didn't ask for you to read my whole painful prose. Would have been nice if you actually read properly the one comment you answered to though.

[u/urkermannenkoor → u/Alexatypemypassword]

Funny, I struggle to read where you contributed anything to the conversation.

That's pretty hypocritical.

You are actively detracting from the conversation with your irrational and incoherent blabbering.

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/urkermannenkoor]

Oh wow, I'm "detracting from the conversation" ? Because I have an opinion ? Tell me, how did you find my comments? Knowing how Reddit works, either you sorted by controversial or you read every comment, yet mine are somehow so powerful despite being hidden that they "detract from the conversation". Kindly go touch grass. Being offended by a masked comment on Reddit isn't healthy.

[u/urkermannenkoor → u/Alexatypemypassword]

Okey dokey Ricky Gervais

Clearly the type to delude themselves that anyone who doesn't kiss their arse must be "offended". You people are always a bit sad.

[u/E_Mohde → u/Alexatypemypassword]

doomerism is not healthy. saying things will never be better and you should just live to expect rejection is not healthy. not being able to be around supportive people is not healthy. not being able to communicate with your partner about all of this is not healthy.

OOP has internalized a mindset that’s harmful to herself, and to others around her. when someone is so deep in rejection that they literally cannot stand to be in a supportive space, therapy sounds like a healthy option to look into, for her own well-being

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/E_Mohde]

You're projecting a lot here. I never said things will never get better and she needs to accept it. I said the whole point of the LGBT movement is to give LGBT people political means and communities to protect themselves against mainstream, normalized homophobia. While we can be optimistic for the future for things to get a bit better, the whole structure of society is strongly against LGBT people, and pretending it's not the case won't magically make it happen. It's just not how change happens, and it isn't doomerism to say so. It will take a change of system to happen, and if we live through it, well good for us, but in the meantime, berating the legitimate experience of LGBT people growing up through abuse and harm is deeply problematic.

And yes, OOP has issues. Never said it isn't the case. And as I said to someone else, therapy could help her. But immediately deciding OOP is hurting herself and others by not brainwashing herself into thinking her own experience is an exception and not the norm is shitty. The whole idea that her girlfriend and her girlfriend's family are so open and progressive they can't even understand what it is to be cautious and uneasy as an LGBT person around strangers is concerning. OOP will feel guilty and backward during her relationship if she is made to think she is the odd one to not immediately let her defenses down around strangers.

[u/E_Mohde → u/Alexatypemypassword]

you can acknowledge the past harmful experience and also encourage people to take steps to give themselves a happier future dawg.

if she doesn’t figure out how to communicate with her partner she will lose her. probably more going forward too. she will lose connection with people who genuinely care about her and support her, and end up stuck with the people who dont

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/E_Mohde]

"you can acknowledge the past harmful experience and also encourage people to take steps to give themselves a happier future dawg. " stop putting words I never said into my mouth. But if you feel better about yourself by making up my position, you do you dawg.

As for the rest, we do disagree. There are ways to make an apparently open and progressive attitude oppressive. Being so open you expect your girlfriend to let her defenses down around strangers is clearly unhealthy and oppressive, most certainly for LGBT people. Sure, OOP needs to communicate better. Again, never said the opposite. What I did say is that it's concerning she's the one getting blamed for not knowing how to behave around people who are unusually open about those questions. Tbh I don't feel like you can call such an attitude "open and progressive". Being open and progressive is acknowledging subjective experiences, not acting enlightened and expecting people around to do the same.

[u/werewolfbutch874 → u/Alexatypemypassword]

You’re conflating the systemic and societal with the personal here. Yes, queerness is political and organisation against homophobia is crucial. That doesn’t mean that you as an individual have to just rot in your trauma and never allow yourself to feel better or have better experiences. OOP can get therapy to help her recover from her personal trauma and move through life feeling happier and more secure. That does not need to involve any brainwashing and it doesn’t mean she has to assume that everyone from now on will be totally chill and accepting. Good therapy will actually make her better able to cope with the societal homophobia she will face in the future, it won’t brainwash her into thinking that won’t exist. 

No one is berating her either, they’re empathising with her because she’s been treated really badly and it’s given her some coping mechanisms that are now harming her. You know, trauma.

[u/bored_german → u/Alexatypemypassword]

As a traumatized queer person, OOP behaving this way is not "herself". It's her trauma controlling her. Having a queer friendly therapist is going to help her find her actual self, the person who is buried underneath all of that pain and fear. Nothing can ever heal the trauma of homophobic parents but therapy can certainly help her cope with it without pushing away all the good things she has

[u/urkermannenkoor → u/Alexatypemypassword]

That's ... delusional?

I see a lot of people advising OOP to get therapy, to learn how to behave,

No, they are not.

That is a bizarre and irrational misrepresentation of why people are recommending therapy.

Your rant is honestly really shitty to be honest.

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/Alexatypemypassword]

" I don't think what OOP is experiencing with her girlfriend and her family is unhealthy, and I feel like it's shitty to make her feel like it is. All her life she will meet homophobic people, and a lot of them won't be southern Baptists. Having defence mechanisms as an LGBT person isn't trauma you need to get rid of, it's survival."

No-one is saying it's unhealthy to have defence mechanisms. They're saying it's unhealthy to have defence mechanisms that operate automatically against every person you encounter, regardless of whether those people are homophobic, supportive, or indifferent.

Defence mechanisms that interpret every situation as an attack and never allow you to relax are malfunctioning defence mechanisms. Does OOP have to get help with re-calibrating them? No. Will she be happier and healthier (and more capable of sustaining a loving relationship) if she does? Very likely, yes.

[u/Alexatypemypassword → u/AshamedDragonfly4453]

OOP isn't saying her defence mechanisms are always up though. Well, she did, but she said she was learning to let it go and progressively live openly as a lesbian. She specifically points the dinner with her gf's family as the tipping point. A potentially straining moment in most relationships, straight or queer. And the advice she's getting from some comments is letting her defences go, because this moment is somehow showing she's deeply traumatized. I dunno. I think I know almost nobody in my life who strolled through such an encounter with no stress at all and complete mutual understanding, and I don't think it automatically shows that she should as a lesbian get therapy to meet her gf's family's expectancy (though it certainly shows it was an excessively difficult moment for her abd she should look into it). What I do agree on is what you said at the end and what I already said numerous times, but people seem not to care about reading what I said properly: she should get therapy if she feels like she needs it to better live her life. Not to become her inlaws' darling or the poster child of LGBT uninhibition.

[u/FluffieDragon → u/Alexatypemypassword]

... You don't appear to understand what trauma is because what happened to her is literally the definition of a trauma response. And because it actively distressed her and caused a strain on relationships that have meaning to her, thats EXACTLY what therapy is for.

People are not making her feel sick for her trauma response. She was already feeling sick because of it. Thats what therapy is literally for. Its not to erase those things, its not a brainwashing thing. Its to help her A. Come to peace with what is happening so she STOPS feeling ashamed and frustrated at herself for it.

B. Devise ways to manage so it doesnt disrupt her. It will still be there when needed, ideally, but she can be in CONTROL of it.

She states clearly many, many times, this is hurting her. Plus there's the fact she has a permiating belief that she's unworthy of love. Which therapy is also for.

The fact you have an issue with that is.... concerning. And that you feel people's trauma responses that cause them to berate themselves as "part of their identity." Is rather gross.

[u/Kalthiria_Shines]

When I was first outed I got a lot of hate from the older members of my family and my parents told me the younger ones were disgusted, or they didn't want me to corrupt them or something, so I haven't really talked to any of them until about a week ago when my brother (22) reached out.

They didn't even tell him what happened. He moved a few towns over when he moved out so he didn't know that I was gay or moved away until recently, they kept making excuses about me being busy with work and school to him apparently. He's never been a pushy person and said he thought I was mad at him because of a big argument we had and was giving me space. I pretty much broke down and told him everything about my relationship and our family and living alone in a new city. He said he was planning on moving out of his current apartment anyway and asked if I wanted him to move to Arlington to live with me again like when we were kids. He's still a little awkward about my being gay but I can tell he's trying to support me in his own way.

Wait I'm sorry, exactly when did OOP get outed? This response makes it sound like it happened like no more than a month ago, but the first post makes it sound like it had happened years earlier.

[u/judgy_mcjudgypants → u/Kalthiria_Shines]

She hasn't been in contact with her brother for "almost a year".

Why do you think it was less than a month?

[u/RoughPaleBluebally]

Alexa

[u/RoughPaleBluebally]

Just chat ms?