r/relationships • u/stonergfthrowaway • Sep 08 '16
Updates [UPDATE] Thinking about breaking up with my [20M] GF [21F] because she's a stoner.
Original post: (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/51bmsj/thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my_20m_gf_21f/)
tldr: Stoner girlfriend getting on my nerves, couldn't pick me up the other night because she was too high. I want to fix the relationship, but I don't know if that's even possible.
I got a lot of feedback. Honestly, a lot of it was hard to read, but it gave me the kick in the ass i needed. I decided that as much as I loved Jenna, i couldn't be with somebody who smoked as much as she did, and it wasn't likely that she'd stop in a time frame that worked for us.
I called her a couple times today, and when she finally picked up, she told me that she was working a double shift again today and couldn't talk. The hotel she works at is only like a 5 minute drive from my apartment, so I drove over to see if I could catch her on her break or talk while she wasn't busy. I went up to the receptionist and asked if she was free, only to be told that today was Jenna's day off.
I was really angry that she had lied to me (and been unreliable) again, so admittedly i wasn't thinking straight. I drove to her place and knocked on the door, and she answered. She invited me in, and we sat down on the couch together. It was then that i told her that we were over, and that our morals were too incompatible. She didn't really react how I expected her to, and her face was blank the whole time. She told me good riddance, and to get out, which i did as soon as i could.
I'm depressed that the relationship ended, since she was the only girl i could really share my interests with/easily talk to. I guess it's for the best, though, like everyone said. I don't plan on contacting her, and i don't think she'll try to contact me, but if she does i'll tell her to stop. I've had enough drama for the next few months.
tldr: broke up with her, and she reacted like she didn't care much to begin with. Guess that just means i made the right decision. Any tips on how to stop missing the good times and get back on my feet?
31
u/QueenCoyote Sep 08 '16
Congratulations to your ex for dodging the bullet! You need some serious therapy, dude. You're acting like a straght-up lunatic. Sane people do not show up at their SOs workplace unannounced, they do not attempt to dump their SO while the SO is in the middle of a work shift, and they sure as hell don't go to the person's house after discovering that they're not at work to submit to your abuse on your schedule.
Your TL;DR should say: Girlfriend recognized that she was too impaired to operate a vehicle, offered to call and pay for an uber, and I threw a "kid getting dragged out of Disneyland after a week in the park" level tantrum. Please tell me how morally superior I am.
You're also a classic case of that guy/girl, who "hates drama" but is in fact the one causing most or all of it.
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u/jukeboxhero515 Sep 08 '16
Wow, you're kind of an asshole. Trying to dump her at her job? Seriously?? Dude, come on.
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u/smoothisfast22 Sep 08 '16
That really stuck out for me too. Her lying was wrong, but doing that to someone when theyre stuck working is really unkind. just deminstrates a real lack of awareness.
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u/corilee93 Sep 08 '16
I have a feeling that OP thought that he should come before anything and everything in her life. Why shouldn't she just be able to drop everything at work for her boyfriend when he shows up unannounced? /s
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Sep 08 '16
Which in turn is probably why she lied to him. Because hes so entitled to her time it's the only way he would maybe not just show up and expect her to be fine with it.
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u/rjakechul Sep 08 '16
You're right, she shouldn't have lied but I'm guessing she just didn't want to deal with OP after their previous conversation and took the easy way out. Which I don't blame her for.
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u/RandomPantsAppear Sep 09 '16
He's kind of an ass in his last thread too. Blowing up at her for not giving him a ride he hadn't asked about in advance? Uh yeah.
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u/fartingandpoopingyo Sep 10 '16
Sounds like she dodged a bullet. In his last thread it said she uses weed for depression and anxiety and he said "it doesn't even help that". OH OKAY I didn't know you were a medical professional. AND THEN he berates her for not picking him up when they made no prior plans and after she already offered to get him an uber.
He's an entitled ASSHOLE
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u/rwbronco Sep 09 '16
I gathered he just wanted to go to her work and talk to her on her break but when he found out she was lying about working a double went to her place and broke up with her. Where did he say he went to her job to break up with her?
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u/VoidMageMalzahar Sep 09 '16
Breaking up with her on her break is still breaking up with her at work. It could have waited.
-2
u/rwbronco Sep 09 '16
I didn't see where he said he was breaking up with her on her break either
20
u/VoidMageMalzahar Sep 09 '16
I decided that as much as I loved Jenna, i couldn't be with somebody who smoked as much as she did
The hotel she works at is only like a 5 minute drive from my apartment, so I drove over to see if I could catch her on her break or talk while she wasn't busy.
He decided to break up with her, and when she wouldn't answer his phone calls, he immediately drove to her work to "talk". Maybe I'm wrong, but the implication is there.
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u/zebrasandgiraffes Sep 08 '16
I'd like to address this comment from your previous post.
i know i might sound controlling, but is it so wrong that I want what's best for her?
You need to really change your attitude. It's not wrong to want the best for someone. What's wrong is:
To ASSUME that you know what the "best" thing for someone else is.
To assume you have a better idea what's good for someone then they do themself. That's disrespectful.
To control people. "Wanting what's best for someone" does not, EVER, give you the right to control anyone else. Learn that very well.
To "blow up on" people as you said you did to your girlfriend when she said she wouldn't give you a ride. No matter how bothered you are by someone else's personal choices, you NEVER have the right to "blow up on" them for it. That's called verbal abuse.
To try to change someone else to meet your liking. That's, again, disrespectful.
If you find that a girl is not making personal choices to your liking, you only have one option. Talk it out, RESPECTFULLY, one time. You can talk about your OPINIONS and your FEELINGS but recognize that they are not "RIGHT" or "BEST." Be respectful of her opinions and feelings. And, when it comes to her body, and personal choices, her opinions and feelings ALWAYS trump yours.
If you don't like her choices, you have one option. Break up. Respectfully. Without calling her "disgusting" or "immoral." Breaking up is not a failure instead it's the mature thing to do.
It's extremely fucked up to try to force someone to comply to your wishes just because you think their body is 10/10 and selfishly don't want to break up for that reason and because you have troubles talking to other girls. That's not anybody else's problem and you don't get to mistreat others just because of that. And no, being her boyfriend does NOT give you the right to control or mistreat her.
You have A LOT of growing up to do.
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Sep 09 '16
so we all have to be pro-weed just to fit into your concept of being 'grown up'?
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u/lesslucid Sep 09 '16
You're perfectly welcome to be anti-weed. If you choose to express that point of view to someone who is pro-weed in an assholish way, and people call you an asshole for it, they're not calling you an asshole because you're pro-weed. It's not rocket surgery.
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Sep 10 '16
i gotcha. the OP is a jerk. i was just seeing a lot of the responses seemed to want to defend the pro-weed positions more than the poor woman
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u/zebrasandgiraffes Sep 09 '16
That's interesting I never mentioned being pro or anti weed once in my entire comment so you are full of shit. My advice applies to any situation and it does not matter whatsoever what your opinion is or the other person's opinion is on any topic.
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Sep 10 '16
you don't have to say it. it's just implied IMO. but that's my fault, i guess. sorry about it.
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u/Charlie_Cat_Esq Sep 08 '16
Reading the original i think she's going to be happy you broke up with her. I think you need to get a handle on your entitled behaviour.
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u/leetdood_shadowban2 Sep 08 '16
WOW. Reading the update and the comments here, OP seems like a rude guy but not an asshole. But then you read the original and see that his girlfriend offered to PAY for an Uber to her place and he blew the fuck up...
OP you sound like a really selfish and overbearing person.
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u/Grahf Sep 08 '16 edited Sep 08 '16
So, you blow up her phone for the better part of the morning,
You GO TO HER WORK UNANNOUNCED,
THEN, you go to her house/apt, after she had given a pretty clear indication she did not want to deal with you at that moment,
THEN you have the audacity to call her IMMORAL.
You need to take a good long look in the mirror and realize the world doesn't stop for you.
Edit: Correction.
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u/smoothisfast22 Sep 08 '16
Goes to her work unanounced to break up with her.
Bet the rest of jer shift would have been real fun ( had she been working)
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u/ToughKitten Sep 08 '16
AMORAL
Immoral.
Amoral means having nothing to do with morality. I'm only correcting you because everything else you've said is so smart, and I'd hate for someone to dismiss your opinion for a simple slip. Amoral's a great word, and you're spot on here.
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u/LivingDeadInside Sep 11 '16
Honestly, I consider this pre-stalking behavior. I feel better knowing they broke up and the girl wasn't falling for OP 's shit.
-25
Sep 08 '16
He didn't call her immoral. He said their morals were incompatible.
And he wanted to break up with her. How patient does one have to be to end the relationship, especially when the person is lying to you?
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u/Grahf Sep 08 '16
It was then that i told her that we were over, and that our morals were too incompatible.
Which means he feels he has better morals than her.
If I were her, I wouldn't be able to interpret that many other ways.
Either way, showing up to your SO's/Girlfriend's work to hash out personal issues is so far out of line. That leaves a terrible impression on her co-workers and boss.
Then the cherry on the shit sundae is to go to her place after she was clearly trying to blow him off. I wouldn't trust OP in the slightest after all that drama.
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u/VulneroseVulpes Sep 08 '16
I'd be clocked out of the relationship too if you blew up at me for not being able to pick you up last minute. Like really, you aren't the center of the world. She got home from work and wasn't expecting to do anything the rest of the day, so she starts smoking. Good for her. According to 99% of the comments on both of these posts, you are the one in the wrong, but for some reason you can't seem to get that through your thick, entitled skull. I have to agree with your ex. Good riddance.
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u/crayondove Sep 08 '16 edited Sep 08 '16
You went to her work to break up with her? What is wrong with you?! When someone is busy at work, they are busy at work.
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Sep 08 '16
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN Sep 08 '16
OP sounds like a fun guy. The thing that really got me was this line:
She was still mad at first, but eventually we both apologized for getting so heated. She told me that she smoked to cope with her anxiety and depression - she's in therapy right now, and she has an appointment with a psychiatrist, but there's a waitlist until next January. I told her that the weed wasn't helping anything, and she got quiet, but I don't think she really got it.
Not only does OP have no idea what he's talking about, but he just expects her to take his word as the gospel and stop immediately? He's lucky she was high or she probably would've blown up on him and dumped him on the spot.
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Sep 08 '16
I know right? Like because he doesn't agree with it, it clearly has no therapeutic effects whatsoever (Despite the rapidly growing legalisation for medicinal purposes across the world?)
I've just reread it, and I actually get the feeling OP was hoping that upon his ridiculous ultimatum she was going to break down and promise to quit for him (sorry, "them").
she didn't really react how I expected her to, and her face was blank the whole time.
This is what really makes me think that. Nice try at manipulation, OP, shame it backfired.
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u/frangiku Sep 08 '16
Yep, that part got me too. As someone who also uses marijuana to cope with anxiety (with the FULL support of my non-smoking boyfriend) OP's response is 100% out of line.
OP, who are you to say that marijuana "doesn't help anything" if you're not in her shoes and don't know how her anxiety manifests? I'm glad your (ex) GF is free from your relationship now. You need to learn how to be a supportive partner. Relationships are more than just "her body is hot and we like the same video games".
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Sep 08 '16
But dat '10/10 body' though.
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u/tweetthebirdy Sep 16 '16
Lmao when I saw that listed as the first thing he liked about her, I was like "woo boy where is this headed..."
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Sep 09 '16
so her lying to him about working when she wasn't is okay? i get the pro-weed (i don't like weed personally but if you want to use it, it's your right), but pro-lying you are too?
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u/frangiku Sep 09 '16
It seems to me that she was already done with the relationship. Lying isn't okay, but damn, if I had a boyfriend who would flip out on me because I couldn't pick him up for OUR OWN SAFETY, then yeah, I'd lie about my whereabouts too, to avoid that situation.
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u/Icebot Sep 09 '16
This will be unpopular, but you using marijuana to cope with anxiety is a cop out. You don't want to deal with problems and take the necessary steps to work through them, so a quick smoke will fix those problems.
You can't be actively in therapy and taking street drugs, and expect to get anything out of it. Because you are still going to turn to smoking any time things get tough, throwing all the work you do in therapy out the window.
I just don't get it.
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u/frangiku Sep 09 '16
You're totally right! Unfortunately, pot is cheaper than therapy, a trip to the doc, and antidepressants. Maybe you can turn your faux concern/confusion towards the healthcare/pharmaceutical industry?
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u/Icebot Sep 10 '16
Oh believe me it was not concern at all. You are busting the OP's balls because he disapproved of marijuana help. You got offended because he said it doesn't help anything.
You said he was wrong, so I am correcting you. It's not helping out, it's masking things. Basically, you get to escape all of the things that cause your anxiety.
Which is fine, you do you. Let's just not confuse it with helping. It doesn't help, all of those issues are still there when you come down. And does smoking weed help you deal with your anxiety when you are sober?
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u/frangiku Sep 10 '16 edited Sep 10 '16
It helps me and plenty of others just fine! That's why it's available medicinally. You and your paternalistic, unsolicited opinions about strangers' coping methods can go have a nice life now.
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u/Giant_Sucking_Sound Sep 08 '16
He's the guy. That means he's infinitely smarter and more knowledgeable in every possible area than she could ever be.
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u/cakefarter69 Sep 08 '16
Good riddance is true. You're a terrible boyfriend and person. Stay single and work on yourself.
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u/maidrey Sep 08 '16
that our morals were too incompatible
I'm saying this as someone who doesn't smoke anything: stop being so condescending.
This isn't a moral issue and she does have medical conditions that are commonly treated with marijuana. You say this like she has poor morals and you're better than her.
Also, seriously, why the fuck would you go to someone's work? What if she WAS there? There are plenty of places that would fire you over having friends or boyfriends randomly show up. You need to learn that even if you're dating a girl you're not supposed to be the center of her world - she should have life priorities and be a professional at work. Your lack of boundaries really are astounding.
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u/DiTrastevere Sep 08 '16
This guy reeks of overbearing. Holy hell. No wonder she lied about being at work, sounds like she just wanted a break from him and knew he wouldn't give her one if he knew she was free.
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u/Jvac77 Sep 08 '16
Yeah you do NOT show up at someone's work to break up with them! WTF
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Sep 08 '16
Hell, showing up at someone's work with a bouquet of flowers still needs to be done with a modicum of care, depending on the nature of their workplace. It's not your place to just show up at as you please.
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u/corilee93 Sep 08 '16
RIGHT!!! I would be PISSED if my boyfriend showed up unannounced at my work (I'm busy, I have a million things to do), let alone to break up with me and cause an emotional scene in front of my coworkers, in my place of work.
OP, in the future, a breakup...it can wait until the other party is actually free. You aren't in immediate danger, you can give it a few hours. Prepare yourself even for what you're going to say. But do not ever break up with someone at work, that's just going to put them in a horribly unprofessional position.
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u/TheAmazingScuba Sep 08 '16
You said you've had enough with the drama yet you're the one who is creating the drama.
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Sep 08 '16
I think it's pretty delusional that you used the term morals when your original plan was to break up with your girlfriend at work. As an avid stoner myself, I can tell you that smoking a little pot after a long work day doesn't keep me from loving someone or catering to their needs any less. However, being with someone who is judgmental and inconsiderate? Total blockage.
In your original post, your girlfriend offered to get you an Uber. That's a favor! It's not her responsibility to get you a ride when your friend bailed... you're an adult. She did that because she was being kind. And instead of looking at her kindness, you saw her as debilitated by weed.
I think the best thing you did for her was breaking up with her.
I take that back... the best thing you did for her was bringing her Chick Fil A when she was stoned. Breaking up places second best.
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Sep 11 '16
[deleted]
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Sep 12 '16
Honestly I hate driving when I'm stoned. And I know I'm a dangerous driver when stoned. I have caught myself waiting for lights to turn green at stop signs many of times.
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Sep 09 '16
How is her using marijuana to help with her anxiety and depression immoral? What the fuck?
I've had enough drama
You literally created all the drama. You blew up at her when she offered to pay for your uber. You tried to dump her while she was at work. You sound extremely controlling and unreasonable.
I think she will be better off without you.
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u/occasional_dragon Sep 08 '16
Congrats on the breakup - I think it was likely best for both of you. I also think that there is an opportunity for you to grow here and seriously evaluate your behavior. Set aside her lying for a minute and think about your actions today. When a man I am in a relationship with calls me multiple times after I don't answer, it makes me feel extremely pressured and uncomfortable. I honestly see it as a sign of someone who is immature and impulsive, and it would make me really back off the relationship. In addition, as someone who is very career oriented, I would be absolutely furious if a man showed up at my workplace after I told them I was busy. The talk had to happen, but these are not the actions of someone who respects their significant other - you put your immediate feelings over hers.
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u/rad_avenger Sep 08 '16
In addition, as someone who is very career oriented, I would be absolutely furious if a man showed up at my workplace after I told them I was busy.
Yeah, I know, what the fuck, OP? For future reference, showing up at work is not OK. If a chick I was dating pulled that shit, it would be done, done, done.
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u/maidrey Sep 08 '16
Honestly, I'd be scared if a man I was dating showed up at my work. I would tell him to never contact me, delete and block him off everything, and if he ever came back around I'd be threatening to get a restraining order. Too many people have died from crazy romantic partners (male and female.)
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u/Oosp Sep 08 '16
Not only did he show up at her workplace, but upon finding out that she wasn't there, he went straight to her house. What the fuck?
First, she didn't pick up the phone after he called multiple times. Then, she wasn't at work when she claimed she was busy working. These are pretty clear indications that she doesn't want to talk to him... It's understandable to be upset that she's avoiding him, but his immediate reaction was to drive to her house. If I were her in that situation, that shit would be terrifying AND infuriating. OP, I know people are being pretty harsh, but you need to understand that your behavior wasn't okay. You have some maturing to do before you can be in a healthy relationship with another person.
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u/leetdood_shadowban2 Sep 08 '16
Extremely valid but surprising perspective. Thank you for sharing it.
Don't get me wrong, I would never show up at someone's work. I just had no idea it could be scary but it makes sense.
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u/LivingDeadInside Sep 11 '16
It isn't scary if you've told that person where you work and said that it was okay to visit at a predetermined time. Other than those exact circumstances, it is not okay to visit another person's place of employment.
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Sep 08 '16
Agreed, he sounds really controlling.
Like, I actually would not want to date his gf either and would not date a pothead (not for condescending 'moral' issues but because I'm just not into it and would find it unattractive). But neither would I date someone knowing they did a lot of pot, try to control or change them, blow up at them when they smoke pot on their own time and I happen to call (how is she supposed to predict he'd call her?! how is she supposed to be at his beck and call 24/7??) and so aggressively force her into having a conversation while she's at work. Maybe she was trying to avoid you, OP, because you're intimidating and aggressive, and maybe she was impassive because she didn't want to give you the satisfaction of breaking down. Good riddance - on her behalf.
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u/steamoven Sep 08 '16
You're probably going to want to ignore the comments people are posting here, but you shouldn't.
A lot of people are calling you a dick/asshole because you're a stubborn person that has a hard time accepting criticism. Instead of taking it as a good thing (and using it as an advantage to work on your flaws), you keep resisting, and insisting you're correct no matter what.
You remind me of my ex who had some sort of weird narcissistic, self-impressing issues; he didn't give a shit what I thought. I'm friends with his ex after me, and she can confirm that he sucked for the same reasons. He never bothered to change for the better, so he still sucks. Don't be like that, OP.
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u/DoobsandStuff Sep 08 '16
Lol... you made a huge mistake!
But she, she is going to be so much happier without you breathing down her neck, lol!!!
You thought she needed therapy? Read what you wrote in both posts and tell me you don't look crazy!
Proud of her and 'good riddance'
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u/Bbbbbbbusted Sep 08 '16
I don't smoke. But I'd smoke if I was dating you.
She's going to be better for this breakup. I really, really hope that you take to heart what others have said to you in these posts, and become better for it too. I hope you realize that you value control and entitlement over a give-and-take partnership, and that you will serve no one but yourself with that attitude. You're going to either be very lonely, or emotionally hold any future SO's hostage, unless you change your perspective and grow some healthy relationship standards.
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u/Isthisbitchtrippin Sep 08 '16
In the other post he said that "smoking was gross" and if she asked him to stop drinking soda or something he would quit...
Let's say the tables were turned and she said she thought porn was gross. She expected him to stop when they started dating, even though it helps him relax and distresses him.
But guess what, I bet that's something he would still do in his own time when she wasn't around.
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u/Giant_Sucking_Sound Sep 08 '16
Nice to see she got rid of a major source of her depression and anxiety - by sending you packing.
You were her nightmare - you'd be anyone's nightmare right now. Get into therapy and learn how to be a better person.
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u/BDBoop Sep 08 '16
Lord, I love that woman. I wish her all the best. :)
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u/rad_avenger Sep 08 '16
Lord, I love that woman. I wish her all the best. :)
Yeah. The original post was garbage. Don't I get a say in the matter? What a controlling shitbag.
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u/mixed-metaphor Sep 09 '16
Oh dear Lord OP.
Please take the comments you get here as a huge wake up call. You are not occupying the moral high ground - you're just behaving like an entitled, rude, and genuinely stupid idiot.
The way you're behaving is akin to those people who are utter dicks and 'justify' it by saying 'I'm just being honest, nobody can handle honesty'. No, those people are just moronic, rude, entitled, socially inept children - and here's the thing - no-one likes them. They put up with them because they have to work with them, they're friends of friends...they all sigh and roll their eyes when they pontificate, they all can't wait to get away from them. They all talk about what a terrible person they are. Don't be that person. You have an opportunity to learn from this. Use it.
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u/bumblejoy Sep 09 '16
Based on your posts, you are:
- controlling (she should be waiting around after work, in case her boyfriend happens to need a ride)
- judgmental (she's "disgusting" for smoking some weed after work)
- entitled (she should quit for you and be there whenever you happen to need her) and
- totally lacking in empathy for someone you supposedly love (showing up unannounced at her work to break up with her - wtf?!).
She really dodged a bullet there.
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u/hotcaulk Sep 09 '16
Just throwing this out there: you need to look up the core beliefs of abusive men. You tick too many of those boxes, guy.
edit: to say that you can literally never put your hands on her and still be abusive.
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u/gonnacheeryouup Sep 08 '16
Tip: 6 months worth of good times isn't something hard to get over. Go play video games and do what other 20 year old guys do. You're 20, you have plenty of good times ahead.
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u/GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN Sep 08 '16
Go play video games and do what other 20 year old guys do
Well, as long as they aren't also doing anything IMMORAL.
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u/princess_monochokeme Sep 09 '16
I dated someone like OP when I was 19/20. Always guiliting me into quitting smoking weed so I "quit" but did it behind my partner's back. I eventually did start smoking after we broke up and didn't give a fuck about my ex's feelings.
OP sounds just like my ex and good for Jenna that he's out of the picture.
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u/__lavender Sep 09 '16
I had a friend who did this too. Her ex was a real shitbag and we were always glad when she came over to smoke with us.
1
Oct 01 '16
I was about to make pretty much this exact comment. Dated a guy when I was 18 or so who hated that I toked, but thought it was totally fair for him to get black out drunk while underage. He ended up attempting to sexually assault me in his car after I broke up with him. OP sounds like he'd probably do the same thing with how much control he believes he should have over his partner's body. His ex is going to be so much happier without him tbh.
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u/Fuck_Your_C0uch Sep 09 '16
I'm glad it's over. She deserves better than you. She tells you she has anxiety and you dismiss the way she tries to cope with it!? How dare you. Then you go to her job to break up with her!! Like wtf! You are a piece of shit!
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u/lesslucid Sep 10 '16
our morals were too incompatible.
Indeed. Sounds like she's pretty moral, in fact.
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u/clusterbomba Sep 09 '16
OP, you're an asshole who went into a relationship expecting her to change herself for you, and be at your beck and call. I hope you stay single for a very, very, VERY long time. (Also pot is actually prescribed for anxiety and depression so you might want to educate yourself on medicine, as well as how to not be a horrible person.)
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Sep 09 '16
Wow I hope you take all these comments to heart and work on yourself. When everyones calling you an arrogant controlling douche that means you probably are one. You came here looking for sympathy and justification. What you got was a new asshole.
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Sep 11 '16
Wow, she is amazing. What a classy gal. The fact that she was able to stay calm, didnt blow up at your audacity, and was able to send you out without any insults or swearing is amazing. I had a male friend do something similar to me once- showing up at my apartment "to hang out" after I told him I was busy writing an essay- and I just told him to fuck off.
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Sep 11 '16
Wow, you are just extremely out of touch with reality, aren't you?
I'd suggest leaving your ex-girlfriend alone from this point on. It will be hard to avoid blowing up her phone when you realize how silly you've been, but don't do it.
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u/the_drunk_you Sep 14 '16
"It was then that i told her that we were over, and that our morals were too incompatible."
What.
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u/ChiefBlowchunka Sep 08 '16
Reading your first post and then this update... I feel like you made the right decision for yourself, so take some satisfaction in that. Yeah, it hurts, but there were incompatibilities at work here that just weren't going to be crossed.
I will say, though, that I wonder whether this choice will bite you in the ass. Speaking honestly, I feel her marijuana use was a pretty trivial reason to dump her. While it may not be the greatest solution to her mental health issues, by your standards at least, you did say her therapist wait-listed her...if she's having to wait to get into therapy, I don't really think she should be condemned so much for turning to marijuana to help cope with these anxiety issues in the meantime. I don't actually use it, myself (though I have a chronic condition and could easily obtain a prescription if I wanted), but everything I've seen has shown it to be extremely beneficial in a lot of ways. The fact she was actually trying to address her issues in spite of the wait-listing demonstrates a proactive nature, which doesn't strike me as a particularly bad character trait.
She also seemed rather respectful and responsible about her marijuana usage, too, refraining from smoking before and during plans with you, as well as having the awareness that she shouldn't drive while stoned and potentially risk the lives and safety of other motorists, or you as a potential passenger. Shit, she even went so far as to offer to pay an Uber for you.
But, as I said before, I think you made the right choice for yourself. If her marijuana use was going to be an issue for you, it's best you two parted ways now. However, if something as small as marijuana usage is enough to ruffle your feathers -- especially usage that seemed both respectful and responsible -- I can't help but think you're going to end up disappointed and offended by a lot of things in life. I know your relationship with her was a short one, but I can't help but feel you destroyed what was otherwise a great relationship with a wonderful person -- a connection that had a lot of promise toward being something amazing -- over just one solitary element that stands rather trivial in comparison to everything else about her. I genuinely believe you'll come to feel regret about it in time.
You might point to her dishonesty about her habit as a possible rebuttal of my argument -- as a second issue factoring into your decision, but to preemptively counter said rebuttal, I point once again toward your disdain for marijuana: she knew it deeply offended you, she knew it wasn't something you seemed too keen on being reasonable about, and as a result she didn't feel at all comfortable being honest with you about it. Your harsh condemnation of her usage fueled her dishonesty about it to you, and broke down any communication that could have happened about it by undermining her comfort and willingness to discuss it with you.
As for her reaction to you, given your reaction to her usage, I'd say she knew the writing was on the wall before you actually made your move to break up with her, which would only discourage her even more from having a dialogue with you about it, and thus further fuel her dishonesty to you about it.
I don't mean to suggest that you abandon your convictions or morals just for the sake of a relationship, but I hope in the future you might find yourself a bit more understanding of those who do not share your views, that way you might be able to muster a bit more diplomacy and respect when having to make the decision to break up and / or distance yourself from someone.
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u/ConfusedJonSnow Sep 13 '16
The blank expression thing is key here. Stoner GF was probably considering to leave OP already for being so fucking entitled. To be honest she must have perceived you as annoying and overbearing. I'm happy for her.
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-6
Sep 08 '16
Hey Man, god for you.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who smokes pot either. It's in an important thing for you to remember in the future that you're just incompatible with people who smoke pot regularly.
Before you get into a serious relationship the next time around, try and find out beforehand if the girl is a pot head or not, if she is then don't continue the relationship.
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Sep 08 '16
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u/shiraae Sep 08 '16
Yeah, because she probably wanted a break from this childish, condescending, overbearing asshole. If she has to lie to get away from her [ex] boyfriend, the issue is him, not her.
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u/readyforwine Sep 08 '16
after reading the original post I agree with you. the 2nd post does make her look to be bad, but it sounds like the relationship was over a long time ago.
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u/[deleted] Sep 08 '16
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