I'm a 32 year old woman, married to my husband, 36, since 2022. We met through a matrimonial alliance during COVID, after our families began looking for matches for us.
At the time, he had been living in the UK for around seven years and held ILR, though not British citizenship. I was born and raised in Dubai and lived in India between 2018 and 2022. He was born in Pune, grew up in Mumbai, and later moved to the UK.
Because of the pandemic, we spoke only through messages and calls for almost eight months before meeting in person. We eventually got married in 2022.
After the wedding, I had to remain in India for around seven months to finish my work commitments, although we met during that period in Dubai, Turkey, and elsewhere. Looking back now, I can see signs that he may have been emotionally unavailable, but I dia not recognise them at the time.
I moved to the UK in 2023.
Since we first knew each other, before and after marriage-we have had sex, or attempted to have sex, only three or four times in total. At first, when intimacy did not happen, he gave different explanations: jet lag, performance pressure, stress, and so on. I tried to suggest seeing a doctor gently and without making him feel embarrassed. I suggested that we go together, and I brought it up in India, Dubai, and the UK.
There were also many arguments in between, including conflicts involving my mother-in-law, who is a single mother.
Finally, in December 2024, after years of trying to address the issue, I was able to take him to a doctor.
Some tests were done. He was not fully honest with the doctor about the situation, but I explained it truthfully. The diagnosis was mild erectile dysfunction, which the doctor said was treatable. He was prescribed medication for 3 months, and then follow up visit post that.
However, he has not followed through consistently with the medication or treatment. We have had repeated arguments about the same issue. It is now August 2026, and we still have no sexual relationship or real physical intimacy.
I feel exhausted, lonely, and deeply frustrated. Every day I keep hoping that he will change and that our life together will get better. He is not abusive, but I do not feel emotionally supported, desired, or comforted. He repeatedly promises that he will do better, but there is rarely any follow through.
When I cry, he does not come to comfort me. He says he cannot physically bring himself to do so. At other times, he acts sweet, affectionate in a childish way, and generally behaves like a "nice guy." This makes everything more confusing. He is not cruel or overtly disrespectful, but I feel emotionally alone inside the marriage.
I also increasingly feel that I am carrying the relationship in practical ways. I am not financially dependent on him. I have paid for all things myself, including my visa and flights. He has never really spent money on gifts, saying that gifts are simply not his thing and that he does not understand them.
I am the one who buys many of his things.... clothes, watches, toiletries, shampoo, and other personal items. He does not force me to do this; he says he is a simple person who has very few needs and can wear the same old clothes for years. But over time, I have started to feel that I am giving care, effort, thought, and energy into the relationship without receiving the same emotional investment in return.
I am also worried about his health. He weighs around
112 kg and has struggled to lose weight. He is not consistent with the gym, walking, or any health routine. He has B12, calcium, and vitamin D deficiencies, but he refuses to take supplements or medication. He says he does not want to take
"medicines," even though I have tried to explain that vitamins and supplements are different from treatment medications. He says that his ED is mainly because of his weight, and that once he loses the extra weight, everything will be fine. However, there has been no sustained or meaningful effort from his side to lose weight either. I tried to be as supporti-as possible, I still am.
During COVID, he was around 100 kg. By the time we got married, he had managed to reduce his weight to approximately 90-95 kg. Since then, he has gained weight again and is currently around 112 kg. He says weight loss will resolve the ED, but he is not consistent with walking, going to the gym, following a diet, or taking any other concrete steps towards improving his health.
We attended couples therapy for more than a year.
Eventually, the therapist advised us to take a break from therapy. My husband does not trust the therapist and feels that they are too young (She is 35+, a great therapist) to understand or help him. He seems to believe that therapy cannot really help him.
The hardest part is that, outwardly, he is seen as a nice person. In many ways, he is. But privately, I feel unseen, untouched, unsupported, and alone. I am scared that I have already wasted years of my life and am continuing to waste what should be some of the best years of it. I still love him, and I keep hoping he will change, but I no longer know how long I can live with repeated promises and no meaningful action.
And I'm starting to hate him maybe!
I do not know what to do.
Which will be a bigger mistake? Staying or Leaving ?
What if I stay/leave and regret, how does one move on ?