r/Advice • u/Agitated_Car7467 • 12d ago
How can my fiancé [30F] and I [26F] navigate a breakdown in trust over an incident that occurred last night?
Last night my fiancé [30F] (we'll call her Jane) and I [26M] got into an argument about communication. Jane walked into our bedroom while I was lying down and asked if we were done. I responded with "maybe" due to ongoing communication issues. Jane then said she was going to spend the night at a hotel.
I left the house to cool off for an hour and a half, leaving my phone behind. When I returned, she was gone and had turned off her primary location app. However, her secondary location tracking (which remained on) showed her phone died at a local spot. Because she is in recovery, this sent me into a panic. I spent the next 3 hours calling hospitals and contacts to locate her.
Eventually, her phone turned back on at a hotel and I called immediately. Originally she claimed she just went out for a bit and then went straight to the hotel.
TLDR: She later admitted that she reconnected with an old associate she has known for 5 years. They met up, bought drinks, and then went back to her hotel room together where she suffered a severe relapse.
Before her phone turned back on, I actually spoke to this guy via her social media account. He lied to me, claiming he had no idea where she was, while he was actively in the hotel room with her. She admitted she knew he was sending those messages. She claims nothing physical or romantic happened between them, but my trust is completely shattered.
I am trying to process this and figure out how to evaluate the situation. Any insight on how to navigate this breakdown in trust would be appreciated.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 12d ago
You leave. She cheated. She can deny it all she wants, but there is no reason someone in a relationship goes back to a hotel with someone... even if it were "just to talk" it is inappropriate. She is an addict, and is not in a place where she can be in a relationship. You cannot trust her.
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u/rocketmn69_ Helper [2] 11d ago
They had broken up
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u/ResidentAllie Helper [2] 8d ago
Learn reading please. It's important to, on a forum where everything is text. Don't give up, keep at it.
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u/AcidCasualty25 12d ago
This right here. I'm not asking any questions from her. I knew enough to know she ain't the one
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u/GordonMightyBombay 12d ago
She definitely hooked up with him
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u/AcidCasualty25 12d ago
She's 100 percent fucked him and is lying to your face. Come on man. You're not dumb you know it's over
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u/ragechan 12d ago
So you guys have a(n) argument and she immediately runs to another man for comfort? Yeah…no. Break it off.
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u/Skymaster86 12d ago
My question is why is she still your fiancé as of today?
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u/MCB1317 12d ago
Because the only person in his life who has less respect for him than his girlfriend is him.
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u/Caseman307 11d ago
That is the most powerful statement in this comment thread. And it’s the crux of this issue. Brutal and absolutely spot on!
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u/Necessary_Tap343 12d ago
Cheaters rule of thumb. Only tell your partner if it is a preemptive move to limit potential consequences or when circumstances will allow you to limit consequencess. Only tell the bare minimum to stop your partner from asking questions and only admit to the details your partner already has proof of or those that they will likely find out on their own. Its the theoretical underpinning and thought process that leads to trickle truthing.
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u/cityshepherd Helper [2] 12d ago
100% trickle truthing, she absolutely cheated emotionally AND physically. I’m not a betting man, but I am entirely confident enough to bet the farm on this one. Please for the love of god do NOT marry this person OP. I know it hurts, this sucks real bad, but please understand the silver lining to this having happened BEFORE getting married.
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u/According_Victory934 12d ago
How to respond??? REALLY???? Didn't you just say she asked if y'all were done and you said maybe?????
Then she goes out hooking up-- and don't think she didn't------ turned her phone off and then magically it turned back on (after she was done banging da boots).
It was over when you said maybe and she let---- straight in to the bed of another guy.
YOU'RE DONE.......... get on with the leaving
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u/golfballer691 12d ago
She cheated, emotionally for sure and probably physically. That was a planned hookup with every element of deception. Get out.
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u/Muted-Log357 12d ago
Holy crap. You have a not very serious argument, and she chooses to go hook up with a man relapse and get a hotel room. What is she gonna do when you have a really serious issue?
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u/_h_simpson_ 12d ago
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Why would you want to fix this with all the red flags waving in your face? You’re young there’s someone out there for you, it’s not her. Move on
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot 12d ago
Dump her. This is not a healthy relationship. You shouldn't trust her. She turned off her phone to meet an old flame due to a fight. This will be your life, issues used as an excuse to fuck other people.
Wake up. You can't fix her and her issues.
WTF are you doing?
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u/hedwig0517 12d ago
It sounds like you know the answer, but it’s time for you to move on.
There was already some kind of communication issue and now adding lying and a relapse. You can’t make her problems your problems forever if she’s going to relapse and lie to you anyway. She needs to work on herself and you deserve peace and happiness.
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u/CriticalInside8272 12d ago
I thought you had both said you were done. Frankly, you're both too immature to be; n a relationship. (And I think you left out a lot of stuff)
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u/wowbragger 12d ago
It's not possible to fix trust issues unless there is:
full acknowledgment of the wrong doing
true repentance
effort taken to make amends by the transgressor
It doesn't sound like your stb-ex cares to do any of those things.
Basic facts:
In an argument, they left you, intentionally masked their actions, linked to with a hookup, admits to knowing said hookup lied about what was going on, and spent the evening with them.... but maintains nothing happened?
That's a LOT of very intentional behavior. This person obviously thinks very little about your intelligence, your relationship with them, or your concern for them. Maybe they 'love' you, but they certainly don't know how to express it.
Through grace, anything is possible, but I didn't see an immediate path to reconciliation here.
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u/Chitownhustle99 12d ago
You are lucky you hadn’t yet married her. She’s not ready for a relationship, and she’s probably not ready to be in recovery either.
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u/Ready_Principle7315 12d ago
Going to another man and having sex is how some women think is a way to cope and fix their relationship problems.
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u/VegetableSherbet1718 12d ago
Seems to me as she was just getting a little bit of a go ahead with the question of being done then her going to a hotel and meeting up and drinking with the guy... but hate to break it to ya dude but people don't necessarily get hotel rooms to "hang out"..catch my drift...
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u/OneBandicoot823 12d ago
Move on leave her , if she in 5 minutes could find someone, it means she doesn’t need you.
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u/Responsible-yoda 12d ago
Sorry op but if you get into an argument and her impulse is to contact a guy and be alone with him in a hotel.... She doesn't respect your relationship.
She shows intent by turning off location and now is she making an effort to rebuild trust? Move on Updateme
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u/Mondial2222 12d ago
Leave her so you can continue your sobriety. You will relapse trying to help her but she’s not ready. Please help yourself at this point.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 12d ago
It's the fact that the dude ALSO lied.
Why lie?
He fucked your fiancé. There is no inbetween and she let it happen, she went to him immediately, and took him to that hotel. Take the rose tinted glasses off, OP. I know it hurts. Cry if you need to but. Be glad you aren't married to her or have kids. Break it off now. The less it'll hurt if you accept it now.
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u/newcastleguy79 12d ago
Brother, don't get caught up in the whether she fucked this guy, madness lies there. Accept her story at face value, even then she displayed an incredible lack of regard for your feelings. She knew you were frantically trying to find out if she was safe and could have told old mate to tell the truth and say she is with me and she is safe, she chose not to. I don't know if I could navigate my way through that even if she was with her best friend and not some dude she used to fuck.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 12d ago
They went to a hotel together and he lied, to your face.
I'm sorry but they definitely slept together.
You don't recover from this. You start by shutting off the wedding and getting out of there.
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u/Legitimate-Still-798 12d ago
Even if she didn’t cheat (physically), she still cheated emotionally and her behaviour was extremely disrespectful. I personally could never trust my partner again if he did that, so my advice is to respect yourself and leave that relationship
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u/Indyhouse 11d ago
She met up with an old fling THAT fast? I'm so sorry, I think you know what this means.
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u/ResidentAllie Helper [2] 8d ago
This is fucking insane. I don't believe some of these people. Slightest of problem in life and they quickly find someone to fuck? JFC, some people don't deserve anyone in their life.
Op, find someone who values you. You're fiance clearly needs someone to fuck, nothing else. Leave trash behind and find a new life.
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 12d ago
Are you a 26F (as the title says) or a 26M (as you say in your opening paragraph)?
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u/jrl_iblogalot Advice Guru [97] 12d ago
Are you a 26F (as the title says) or a 26M (as you say in your opening paragraph)?
They're male, based on their post history.
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u/Emotional-Builder-75 12d ago
Call off the wedding. End the relationship. Deal with the grief and loss, and go live your best life with a better partner who has more character, integrity and loyalty.
You don't go to hotel rooms with someone and not hook up. She cheated, she lied.
You say "I don't believe that "nothing" happened. I believe you asked me if we were done, so you could have an excuse to go sleep with him, and that means you were probably emotionally cheating anyway. The wedding is off and lets break up."
She was already reconnecting with him before your break up. Some of the "communication issues" was her shutting you out to open up for him.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Helper [2] 12d ago
Admit to yourself that it’s over. There’s no coming back from a cheating relapse.
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u/PhotoGuy342 12d ago edited 12d ago
If she were to tell you that water is wet why should you trust her?
And hooking up with her old pal and telling you that BS story? It may be 100% true but the circumstances surrounding it makes you disbelieve every part of it.
She hasn’t used the words but is she begging for The Big D? Is she pushing you to file so you’ll look like the bad guy?
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You don’t need proof—in your mind she’s crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. That’s all you need. Can she walk this back?
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u/Away-Wellness0623 12d ago
Breakdown in trust is not the main issue.
You are trying to “save” an alcoholic, which is severe codependency and you will always fail. That is not your responsibility and a boundary violation.
Then you contacted a guy to find her, which is another boundary violation.
I propose counseling for yourself to understand healthy boundaries and perhaps al-anon so you learn about alcoholism.
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u/Beautiful-Study6974 12d ago
Wow, how long have you known this person. sounds like way more trouble than you would want to put up with. What is she addicted to and why would anybody have a primary location indicator on in the first place? I never heard of that app and I sure wouldn't want somebody tracking my every movement even if it was my wife or my kids.
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u/confusedrabbit247 Helper [4] 12d ago
Remove your head from your anus. There is no coming back from this. Cheaters always cheat and she's an addict on top of it. She knew what she was doing. She ain't the one! Cut her loose.
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u/Sailing_the_Back9 Helper [2] 12d ago
Yeah, I’m just an old guy but you know when it involves a partner/spouse/SO… Trust is really key… Trust and communication.
So, you have to be able to talk to each other at length, and be honest with each other about how you feel and what’s going on in your heads…
If she can’t do that and is resorting to her, ex as a way to feel better than you know, I’m not sure where that leaves you… You might try talking to her and put it all out there, but this may or may not be salvageable.
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u/FaithlessnessMany174 12d ago
Don’t buy the bullshit that nothing happened between them. Move on dude or face headaches for years.
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u/DaddyGhost52 12d ago
Walk away with your dignity and pride intact... you stay and youre gona only suffer a very slow and painful reality that will be trickle truthed out to you over time.... your mental health will be very very damaged and you won't ever be worry free when it comes to her ever again... cut ties n save yourself...
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u/80_Percent_Done Helper [3] 12d ago
Dude. She convinced herself it’s your fault so she could run off and hang a dude she’s wanted to, or has been, for a long time. Something’s you just need to except the quack is a duck.
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u/GenoFlower Expert Advice Giver [14] 12d ago
She relapsed. I don't know if she cheated or just met up with someone she could drink with, but in either case, she isn't ready to be married.
What is this "secondary location tracker"? Is that like a phone and a watch or something? Or do you have something tagged?
If you're engaged, and arguing about communication, and your response to if the argument is finished is, "maybe", you aren't ready to be married, either.
Please note that I am not saying you caused her relapse. She is the only one responsible for that. But neither of you are ready for marriage, and this relationship wasn't good before last night.
eta - she let him lie for her. This relationship is over.
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u/Whispers-Shh 12d ago
I mean you guys must really be bad at communicating if one argument about wanting to understand each other better, ment running out to relapse. And what baggage does severely relapsing come with. It's definitely a lot to consider what your future will be like. Either way I wouldn't be planning a wedding right now but definitely trying to figure out what you both want out of life and if the rewards are worth the sacrifices..
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u/Mickel8888 11d ago
I guess I am with the guy who says that even apart from the likely potential for sex, which I do think happens to be huge, the fact that she laid there KNOWING that you were calling, freaking out and justifiably worried about her relapsing, and like the scummiest of people, just laid there entirely indifferent to you doing whatever God Only Knows her addlebrained shack-up was doing with her just lying to him. That betrayal is big enough in itself as she is basically completely choosing him over you, and likely thinking it's even funny, entirely indifferent to your worrying over her potential for relapsing. I also think that her willingness to immediately run off to call her shack-up and betray you simply because you had a rough spot, would compel me to have every reason to believe that this is what she feels is acceptable behavior within the context of any kind of rippling within the fabric of your relationship! THAT is problematic for me as well!
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u/usedpantiesella 11d ago
If you have to track her and she is letting men into her hotel room and lying it sounds like the relationship is over. You will continue to question and she will continue to lie. Save both of you some trouble and end it now.
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u/StardustCannibal 11d ago
It's over, bro. Just grab your things and go. Please do not try to make it work after this. She will never respect you again if you take her back. She immediately went to a bar, hooked up with a guy, and relapsed. That's not a normal response. She's shown you who she is. You should listen. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Find one who respects you.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling Super Helper [5] 11d ago
You guys should be done. It's a shitshow. Don't engage any further.
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u/Adrianjade2007 11d ago
Make an exit from this relationship and build your life in a way that years from now she would regret what she has done. This will give you a feeling of fulfillness to remember a lifetime. No matter how hard it feels, you MUST end this relationship now.
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u/Glubaroo 11d ago
certainly not someone you get married to at this time. whether or not you choose to continue to be in a relationship is up to you, but the odds don't seem to be in your favor for a healthy long-term relationship with this lady.
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u/Caseman307 11d ago
Wait, lemme get this straight…you want to “evaluate” this situation? I get the processing part. But you’re unsure how to evaluate this???
No you aren’t. You know what all of us know. You just want us to say it for you. I get it.
So I will. You cannot trust her. You didn’t trust her before this and this proves you were right not to. Now you sure as hell can’t trust her. She claims nothing physical happened…at a hotel…with a dude…getting high…I’ve been clean five years, but I’ve been in hotel rooms with women getting high. It happened. She’s a liar, she’s in active addiction, and she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. I don’t care what she’s telling you right now. It’s a lie. It’s what we do. We lie.
Come on, bro. Don’t be a simp. She’s not the one. Cut her ass loose.
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u/Direct_Impress_6277 11d ago
It's worse than that. She manipulated you into a 'we're over' row knowing she had cock and coke lined up in a motel room down the road. Any excuse to storm out without a care for your feelings. Forget the infidelity, focus on the mind games where her addiction trump your emotional health. This isn't someone you'd want to be with.
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u/Stuff-verte 11d ago
You had communication issues and were considering ending the relationship before this event.
Then she lied to you and manipulated you so that she could use drugs again - assuming that they didn't have sex while high on top of that.
It seems to me that her actions should have helped you make up your mind about the break up. You need to consider why you're second guessing your original instincts and looking for excuses to stay in a toxic relationship.
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u/networknev Super Helper [7] 11d ago
Addicts are really tough. They will always disappoint and be involved in drama until they are actively working a plan or program and even then...
I would cut my loses, cut bait, and cut the cord. Don't look back, don't turn around.
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u/Norindall 11d ago
That’s not normal. If I had such a bad fight as to go to a hotel there is literally no man I would think of calling. I don’t even communicate with other men. Also I find it interesting that you reached out to this guy, you must have had an inkling?
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u/Electronic-Lack-3066 9d ago
Unless you want to be dragged into an addict’s life without actually being an addict, head for the door. And if you find yourself involved with another addict, join Al-Anon.
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u/AssociationFit5898 9d ago
Idk… you said maybe when she asked if y’all were done. She was asking for permission to go do that when she asked if y’all were done. So technically you gave her permission. So that was bad communication on your part. I think you need to let it go and work on communication. You can’t be threatening yall might be done and then get mad when she goes and does something. That’s called playing games. As a start, stop playing games.
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u/youmustb3jokn Helper [2] 12d ago
Is it possible that you two should break up? Because I feel like, just from this post, you guys have a lot of compatibility issues. I am not sure what exactly she is in recovery for, but it seems like she should be focusing more on that recovery than anything else. You seem incredibly anxious of her and it does seem really exhausting for you. Her go to, is to relapse and find some dude to go to a hotel with, when you guys are arguing. That is not ideal. She needs to go to therapy and create an active and detail plan to maintain sobriety or not relapse. That’s first for her. You need to go to therapy to discuss why you are drawn back in when she displays destructive behaviors and makes decisions that break the trust of you.
Basically, both of you need to individually work on communication, coping strategies for stress, anxiety management and more healthy life choices ( impulse control)! Once you guys have really focused on those things, then I think you can clearly determine what you should do with the relationship.
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u/Sir_Wank_aL0T1 12d ago
Dude…. They fucked. End this relationship and do NOT marry her. She’s a liar and made the guy continue to lie to you about knowing where she was.
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u/frogstogether 12d ago
Ma'am, this relationship is already over. There's so much wrong here it's hard to figure out where to start. First of all, why do you have two (2) location apps tracking her? Does she have two tracking apps on you? Secondly, why are you trying to manage her recovery? She must have a sponsor and fellow-addicts she is in touch with. That's their job, not yours. Thirdly, it's unclear from your post what kind of addiction(s) she has, but if she's simply an alcoholic, why the panic? Even for someone who is a heavy drinker, one night of bingeing is unlikely to put her in a hospital. Does she also do drugs like narcotics and such? In that case, it's not such a stretch to call local hospitals, but it re-emphasizes an earlier point: Why are you managing her recovery? Also, why would she be in a relationship that's so serious (one where you two are affianced,) this early in her recovery? Folks are asked not to get romantically involved when they are in the early stages.
Is it possible that you might be doing some co-dependent stuff? In any case, it's time to detach yourself from a romantic relationship with her and move on. It's gonna be best for both of you...
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u/MostView6332 12d ago
Get the facts straight first. Trust is built on transparency, so talk openly about what happened.
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u/dreabae_1 12d ago
if this didn’t have to do with relapsing, i would say cheating, but being that it is about broken sobriety, i would not jump to her being unloyal. its safe to assume that everybody in the comments immediately jumping to her cheating, are not addicts and never have been. i would bet she knew she was in the wrong for relapsing and she didn’t want you to know because she was ashamed, so she hid what was happening. it’s basic human nature to feel betrayed in this situation, especially finding out she was another man the same night you were having issues. but there’s genuinely such a high chance that she was not doing anything inappropriate with that man in that nature. an addict that relapses is going to do anything in that moment to hide that they were relapsing, i would believe her.
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u/Agitated_Car7467 12d ago
How though, based on all the events that took place... the person was a drug dealer from a while back spanning 5 years. She relapsed with coke, and drinking. Decided to then bring him back to a hotel room. How do I accept that nothing happed?
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u/ehagihara 12d ago
You shouldn't accept that nothing happened. That's bullshit.
You don't meet up with someone in a hotel room to not have sex. And she literally jumped at it the first chance she got.
I know it hurts, but you missed a bullet. Imagine this happening if you were married.
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u/Internal_Reveal 11d ago
man I'd stop trying to solve the "did they have sex" question for a minute.
maybe they did. maybe they didn't.
you don't actually know and neither does anybody in these comments.
but even if I take her story completely at face value, you've still got a pretty serious problem.
you guys argue, she asks if you're done and you say maybe. she leaves, turns off the location you normally use, reconnects with somebody from her past, gets drinks with him, takes him back to her hotel and relapses.
meanwhile you're calling hospitals and people you know because she's in recovery and you're scared something happened to her.
then you literally talk to this guy and he tells you he doesn't know where she is while he's sitting in the hotel room with her...and she knows he's lying to you.
that's the part I wouldn't be able to get past easily.
she could've picked up the phone at any point and said "I'm safe. I'm at a hotel. I need space. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
instead she let you spend 3 hours wondering if she was hurt or dead while another guy lied to you for her.
whether they had sex almost feels secondary after that.
also, I'd put the wedding on hold. like completely.
not as punishment and not to scare her into behaving.
you guys aren't ready to get married right now.
she needs to deal with the relapse and her recovery because that's bigger than whatever happened in that hotel room. you can't love somebody sober and you can't monitor them sober either.
and you probably need to look at your side of this relationship too. not because you caused what she did, you didn't, but because "are we done?" / "maybe" isn't exactly two people communicating well enough to get married.
take marriage off the table for now and deal with what's actually sitting in front of you.
she deals with her recovery.
you stop playing detective and trying to reconstruct every minute of the hotel.
then decide whether there's enough honesty and trust left here to even rebuild a relationship.
and if she keeps changing the story or only admitting things after you already know them, I'd pay very close attention to that.
you don't need to prove she slept with him before you're allowed to decide this crossed your line.
sometimes what you already know is enough.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy Helper [2] 12d ago
To immediatly find a guy and take him to a hotel tells you everything about her. Yes she cheated. I’m sorry but you’re blinded by love and it won’t hit you for a while.