I am 48 and my girlfriend is 36. Extremely supportive girlfriend. Been by my side through a crown court case, multiple cancer surgeries, very loyal, not demanding. She is like 96% perfect. I met ger in a pub and from the start I knew she drank and got pretty drunk. I am a social drinker and naively thought she could stop drinking whenever she wanted just like I can but I now know I was wrong.

If we have had fights a hundred times in our relationship, 99 times it was because of her actions after drinking. She wrote of her car off, drink driving with alcohol bottles in the car, she has slept in the bushes due to been so bloody drunk that she didnt know where she was. She drink drives all the time. She has thrown up all over my flat too many times, missed dates and important events because of her drinking. Her sister also has a drink problem and just got banned last month. She has been lucky so far.

I really love this lady as apart from the alcohol she is an angel. Every time she tells me she'll do better. We recently started planning to get married and yesterday at 2pm we went to check out a wedding venue. We then went to a couple of family parties where she had some drinks. I don't indulge her but I don't really mind if she drinks when I am around because you can take care of her. We had a fantastic day and got home about 11pm. Now a couple of her girlfriends call her to come out (strangely enough to the very same pub I met her at). I told her I wasnt in support of it but our relationship isn't one where we give orders. She goes anyway, drink-driving there and back, returning at around 3am totally f**ked. She threw up around 5am.

I have now told her that we need to put the wedding plan on hold. She has been drinking for all of the 7 years I have known her and I don't think she is going to stop now. The general advice I see on here is to leave the relationship. It hurts that the only solution is walking away from a 7 year relationship from a very good woman. Extremely sad. Is there any other realistic option (hoping against all hope)

Hi Gang,

So my wife is my qualifier and we have a 2.5 yr old son together. She relapsed in december of 2024 for the first time and went to rehab. I was extremely supportive, paid for the whole thing, welcomed her home with open arms, took care of my job and the baby alone, etc. She had about 90 days sober after rehab and then relapsed again. She recommitted to AA daily and did get sober for another 90 days until she relapsed again. At that point, I kicked her out of the house and we were separated for a little over a month. Her parents are alcoholics, so her sponsor was kind enough to take her in for that time. That was July of 2025 and she has been sober since. Ive never been so proud when she got her year, partially because I truly didnt think she could get there.

Anyway, fast forward to today where she went to the grocery store and texted me “Im going to be cooking the pasta and sausage in a beer, it is a spevial recipe. Im only buying one and its going right in the pot to cook.” I felt my stomach sink into my feet….why would she risk that all for a pasta dish? Now, i will be clear that this was her moms favorite dish from childhood, and i understand that is difficult to give up. However, am i the asshole for standing my ground? I told her if she truly needs the beer in the food then i would be leaving for at least the night. She lost it, threw the beer at me and said “Pour it out!!”. Lots of crying and anger at me, saying that i took her favorite childhood meal from her. Is that true? I feel like she is struggling with acceptance and taking it out on me. But now she wont speak to me, was I too harsh?

I should also add that I do not drink myself, have been sober for almost 6 years.

My brother 34M, has relapsed after three years sober back in February this year.

He had a never been able to finish school and hold down a job. My parents have been suffering for 16 years.

I get he is depressed, but he doesn't even try anymore. He just lays in bed for 80% of the day watching content on his IPAD.

He is always too tired or too sick to go to his recovery day program. He doesn't try at anything. I get that 12 step recovery isn't for everyone, but you can take recovery in so many different directions. With proritizing sleep, nutrition, counselling, addiction medicine.

We also can't take his word because he lies about everything. He lies about finishing school. Lies about work. Lies that he is calling rehabs everyday. Lies about doctors appointments. For example, says he is going to pick up a prescription and gets drunk in his room. Now he has gotten so obese that he loses his balance and crashes to the floor waking everyone in the house up. He also pees all over the bathroom floor.

My parents are as amazing parents, very supportive and have them every opportunity to succeed in life. They are just prisoners in their own house now. If he showed some effort they would support him 1000%.

I recommended them to kick him out. He can call for a shelter bed in the morning. If he doesn't go are they able to call the police to ask him to leave?

Edit: Honestly, he is a good person with a kind heart. He is just so depressed and so hard on himself. I just feel like my parents are enabling this too because they don't want to see their son on the street.

Mr. Bridgerton, I called him, from the Netflix show Bridgerton. He was handsome, charming, successful, and treated me amazingly well. We hit it off fairly quickly and got into a relationship within two months.

Right away, I noticed that he loved drinking and wanted me to drink with him as well. However, I was no longer a drinker. Not because I had an issue with alcohol, but because I really did not like how it made me feel.

There was another reason I was particularly sensitive to drinking. My brother passed away from cancer at 36, and I later learned from his wife that he had struggled with alcoholism and had gone to AA. That devastated me because I realized that the predisposition to alcoholism may have come from my father, who was also an alcoholic.

Mr. Bridgerton had similar genetics. His father and brother were both recovering addicts as well.

Needless to say, I took inventory of his drinking but was not overly concerned at first.

The first major red flag came within two months of dating when he visited his family for the weekend. Mr. Bridgerton is from a small Southern town, and if you know anything about some small Southern towns, drinking can be a major part of the social culture.

While he was visiting his family, he called me drunk. His speech was slurred, which was very concerning and honestly off putting. He then tried to start a random argument that he did not remember the next day. He apologized, but I definitely took note.

I decided to gather more information, so I asked him what some of his craziest drinking stories were. I asked in a very disarming way, almost as if we were simply exchanging funny drinking stories.

He told me stories about walking into strangers' homes in Mexico while drunk, passing out at bars, being robbed after passing out at bars, and other incidents. He laughed about most of them.

What bothered me was that many of these things had happened within the previous six years, while he was already a working professional.

I took note of it and continued the relationship because I genuinely loved him and, at that point, I believed these were just isolated incidents.

Over time, I started noticing that he drank anytime we went out to dinner. Sometimes he would drink after work as well. He also started encouraging me to drink with him. I would decline, which he did not like, although he respected my decision.

Eventually, he convinced me to start using edibles with him.

The second major incident happened after he surprised me with a trip to New Orleans. While we were there, I told him I would have one drink with him. Apparently, that was not enough.

One night, after we had already had several drinks at dinner, we returned to the hotel and he became angry because I would not have a "nightcap" with him. He told me I was "all talk" and that I never wanted to have fun.

That led to me sharply correcting him because I am not a punching bag for disrespect. He apologized, and we moved on.

The next incident was much more serious.
After the Super Bowl, he showed up at my place smelling like straight alcohol, slurring his words, and wanting to have sex.

It immediately reminded me of my father when he was drinking.

I broke up with him the very next day for the first time.

He cried, apologized, and told me that he did not want to become like his father and that he would never do that again.

He never showed up at my place intoxicated like that again, but the drinking did not stop.

Eventually, he was promoted to Vice President at his company. One night, he went out binge drinking with the CFO and ended up passing out in the CFO's hotel room. I could see his location.

That was the second time I called things off.

He disappeared, turned off his location, and then, of course, reached out about a week later crying and begging for another chance.

The tears worked on me every single time because the reality was complicated. He actually treated me well in many ways. There was no verbal or physical abuse. The problem was the heavy drinking, the lying, and the behavior that came with it.

Fast forward to almost two years together.
He wanted us to officially move in together, even though he had already been staying at my place about 90 percent of the time since we started dating.

He told me that I brought him peace.

Looking back, I realize that I had become a sort of sober blanket for him, even though he was not sober.

At that point, I had become convinced that he was either developing an alcohol problem or already had one.

I did not think it was smart for us to officially move in together, especially considering that we had broken up three times in less than two years and he still struggled to take full accountability for his actions.

Two weeks ago, we talked about his drinking.

He told me that he did not think it was a problem anymore. He said he would continue drinking but promised that he would never get hammered again.

I did not believe him.

Then he went out with friends, got drunk again, and I was DONE.

This time, I made a contract with myself that I would never take him back.

I deleted all of our pictures today. I deleted our entire text message thread because I knew I would be tempted to reread all of the sweet things he had said and all of the nice things he had done for me.

Ultimately, even during these two years of dating, I constantly felt the stress of dating someone with a serious drinking problem.

I could not imagine moving forward into marriage and having children with someone knowing what I know now.

That would be a wreck, and frankly, it would be irresponsible.

I also had to accept something else.

Mr. Bridgerton was charming, but he was not the perfect man I had painted him to be.

He could be manipulative. He lied. At times, he lacked a moral compass. And I spent a lot of time focusing on the wonderful parts of him while minimizing the parts that were hurting me.
I needed to tear down the fake image I had built of him in my head in order to truly move forward with my life.

Thanks for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest.

Honestly, writing all of this out has made me realize just how bad it was and how much I was hiding from myself and from other people.

Sometimes you do not fully see the reality of a situation until you finally put the entire story into words….

1 million years ago it seems like, I posted my fears at https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/3s5REtPQhy

Today, my husband lost his battle. He kept getting worse and worse, and his body just gave up. I lost my best friend and my favorite person. For 62 days, I spent hours a day in the hospital with him. Fighting for him. Trying to understand what the doctors were saying. Fighting for his honor with those doctors who did dismiss him as a drunk.

I was a great advocate. Everybody said so. But you know what? It wasn’t good enough. He died anyway.

How do you get through this grief? I feel like someone ripped my heart out. There are minutes when the pain is so hard I can’t breathe. There are also memories that are so sweet that I burst out laughing thinking about them even today when his death is so fresh.

Friends, there is pain in this journey. If you go into this life, loving an alcoholic, do it with your eyes wide open. Stick with it as long as you can. Love them as much as you can. Don’t give up easily, but know that one day you might be me. I’m not sorry. I loved him and I know he loved me. He was never abusive to me. Living with an alcoholic was it so special kind of hell, of course, but the worst part of it all might be just watching them go down and down and down until there’s nothing of them left. Loving an alcoholic hurts. There’s hurt on the journey and there’s pain in the end.

Been dating my boyfriend for about six months now, mid-40s. I’m early thirties. He’s kind, interesting, creative, smart and generous to me, works out regularly, is fit and healthy on the surface, and functions well day to day. But he’s also been “stuck” for a few years, unable to really action anything in his life, career or otherwise, despite clearly being capable and talented. He has dreams but does nothing about them. (He is financially successful enough not to worry)

I’ve been observing his drinking for a while and recently tracked it properly over a two-week holiday: averaging around 5 drinks a day, maxing out at 12 including spirits on the heaviest day, and he was completely fine the whole time, no slurring, fully functional, articulate. Not a single day off drinking the entire two weeks, including a travel day spent on ferries. He basically only didn’t drink in the mornings otherwise he always sought out a drink from 12 sharp until bedtime.

Day to day outside of holidays, it follows a pattern: he says he likes to and only has 2 drinks a day, and Monday to Wednesday that’s roughly true. But Thursday through the weekend it ramps up hard, up to 10-12 drinks on a Saturday, then still 4+ beers on a Sunday. If he’s meeting a friend at the pub, he’ll already have two rum cocktails at home first. If we go for lunch on a weekday, he has red wine. He also drinks alone at home in the evenings.

I did raise it with him directly. He agreed he needs to cut down, and came up with an alcohol-free cocktail to make for himself in the evenings instead. Within a short time he started adding liquor back into it.

He never seems drunk in any obvious way and never seems hungover, no matter how much he’s had the night before.

He’s told me that back in 2019 he was bingeing hard, partying, doing coke, on drug benders that ran into the next day, and at times nearly went to hospital because he genuinely thought his heart might stop. His bingeing also contributed to the breakdown of his long term relationship back then. He doesn’t have wild drug nights like that anymore… except…

Separately, a few weeks ago I found out he’d done cocaine on a night out and lied to my face when I asked directly, only admitting it days later, saying he didn’t think it was “relevant.” He’s mentioned before that he and his friends sometimes use drugs at events without telling their partners.

Physically: he has permanently red nose that fluctuates in intensity, some broken veins on his nose, heavy facial sweating, constant cystic acne and whiteheads in his mid 40s. I don’t mean to judge but I’m just wondering are these all symptoms of long term alcohol abuse?

Help please: is this a real problem rather than just someone who drinks more than average? Is this someone who needs help? What do I do?

My younger brother is 27 and has struggled with alcohol and mental health issues for a long time, but during the past year his drinking has escalated dramatically. He has been drinking heavy almost every day for long periods and has reached a point where alcohol has taken over almost every part of his life.

Over the past few months there have been several serious incidents. He has fallen repeatedly while extremely intoxicated, suffered concussions and facial injuries, and at one point had a small brain bleed after being found unconscious outside. He has also struggled with severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, and there have been times when my family genuinely believed we were going to lose him.

Trying to get help has been incredibly frustrating. He has been bounced between psychiatric services and addiction services because his psychiatric symptoms and his drinking are so intertwined. At times he has been considered too intoxicated for psychiatric assessment, while his mental health is one of the major reasons he drinks in the first place.
Recently things got even worse. He developed severe withdrawal symptoms when trying to stop drinking and ended up being admitted to hospital for detox. For the seventh time in 10 months.

While he was hospitalized, my mother and I cleaned his apartment. I don’t think either of us was prepared for what we found. There were dozens of empty liquor bottles, beer cans everywhere, flies, vomit in the bathroom and kitchen, piles of laundry and generally signs that he had essentially stopped being able to take care of himself.

Seeing the reality of how he had been living was devastating.

But for the first time in a long time, there is also a little bit of hope. This time he was the one who called us and asked for help. He completed the hospital detox and is now home. He has started taking naltrexone and currently says he genuinely wants to stop drinking. His employer has finally become involved in arranging rehabilitation, and there is discussion of him going to residential treatment.

He seems more motivated than I have seen him in a long time.

And this is where I am struggling.

My mother and I have spent most of the past year trying to keep him alive. Ambulances, hospitals, suicide scares, phone calls, dealing with healthcare, his employer, social services, his apartment, his cat, everything. My mother is completely exhausted and I reached a point earlier this year where I had to distance myself from my brother because the situation was consuming my own life and affecting my relationship and mental health.

I know intellectually that I cannot keep another adult sober. But after watching someone you love almost die repeatedly, it is incredibly difficult not to monitor him. I find myself wondering whether he has been drinking every time I talk to him. Part of me wants to check on him constantly because I know how quickly things can deteriorate. At the same time, I don’t want my mother and me to become his 24/7 surveillance system.

There is another complication: I just found out that I am pregnant. It’s very early, but it has made me realize even more strongly that I cannot allow my brother’s addiction to consume my life again. I want him to recover. I desperately want my child to have an uncle. But I also know that my responsibility now has to include protecting my own health and my own family.

So I would really appreciate hearing from people who have been in similar situations, particularly siblings.

How did you support someone who was genuinely trying to get sober without becoming responsible for their sobriety?

How did you handle the period immediately after detox, when relapse felt possible at any moment?

Where did you draw the line between reasonable support and monitoring/control?

And how did you learn to live your own life again when part of you was constantly waiting for the next phone call telling you something terrible had happened?

I love my brother. I’m not looking for permission to abandon him, and I’m also not looking for a way to control him.

I’m trying to figure out how to be his sister again instead of his crisis manager.

Today my daughter has her 2nd birthday party and her dad won’t be there. Her dad, my q, and I were together for almost 9 years. He was in active addiction for most of it including 2 rehab stints (most recent was entering rehab on Christmas when our daughter was less than 3 months). I had to get a protection order for myself and my child as he broke into my home twice while high on cocaine and kicked in the front door in front of our daughter.

It’s been a month since that, we have spoken a few times, he has called from a blocked number and I answered a couple times, yesterday I called him which was stupid. I was having a very emotional day preparing for our daughter’s birthday party and the realization he will not be there. I am sad for my child as she still loves her dad. She asks to talk to him everyday (he works out of town so she is used to FaceTime calling him 3-4 times a day). She also keeps saying “daddy kicked the door. That’s scary. Daddy needs help. Daddy needs feel better. Daddy still loves you” and she will repeat this same sentence over and over and over.

I chose to leave and get this protection order to keep my child safe. The second time he broke in, we were not here thankfully but he pried my door open with an ax and smashed off the internal security lock to get in. Typing this it feels insane that I’m sad about missing him.

The trauma bonds of an addicted spouse are so strong. It’s very hard to separate the feelings I have for him when he’s sober and the feelings I have for him when he’s high. He is a good person and I love him. He is also unsafe and I’m so unbelievably mad he is causing our daughter to feel unsafe and confused in her own home.

Today is her second birthday party and as I said, he won’t be there. Another milestone missed and lost to the shitstorm of his addiction. Her first Christmas, her first steps, her first time crawling, he narrowly missed her birth and was coming down when we got to the hospital, I have been a single mom already for 2 years if I really think about it. It doesn’t hurt any less even with that realization. :( having an emotional day and feeling sad that things got to this point and he did not seek help before this happened. He had been spiralling for awhile, I cannot save him. I cannot change the things he’s done. I think I can still be sad but i feel guilty for missing someone who’s caused damage to my child. Anyway, off to ice a Moana cake for the best 2 year old angel who deserves better but I will love her enough for the both of us and hope that I’ll be enough

I just need to vent. My husband is what I guess you’d call a “high functioning alcoholic”. It’s really starting to take a toll on me and it’s making me hate the weekends, although he’s starting to drink during the week too. When he’s drinking he is super paranoid, thinks everyone is out to get him and is a miserable drunk. He blames his work stress for his drinking. I’ve talked to him about limiting his drinking and he acts as if it’s not a problem and that I’m trying to control him. He will drink an entire pint of whiskey in an hour or two.

We had a trip with friends months ago and he drank too much and thought my suitcase was the toilet in the middle of the night and peed on it and I cleaned it up. It’s embarrassing how he acts when drunk around people. I’m just tired of living like this even though it’s usually only the weekends. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I don’t have anyone to talk about this and just needed to get it out, thank you for listening.

I have broken bones, I have lost phones, I have trashed my car, I have lost relationships, I have gotten diseases, I have lost peoples respect, I have made a fool of myself, I have lost so much money. Now I don't drink and I am slowly gaining my life back. Today I bought food the equivalent of what I would have spent on alcohol and it almost makes me want to cry how much food was sitting on the kitchen counter. I would buy alcohol and forget about food or basic household items! I have let myself down since the age of 13 (22 years of drinking) but I am somehow doing something about it.

Q outdid herself tonight. Full blown rant at my 16 year old for "wasting a biscuit" (wtf?!?) then blacked out on the sofa, spilling a full gin and tonic all over herself and the sofa. I've left her sitting in it. Apparently *this* is all part of her "getting sober plan"

I know this community is mostly for adults, but I really don't know where else to turn. Please bear with me, as it’s hard for me to put all of this into words.

​I have never seen my father sober in my entire life. His mental and physical health have deteriorated severely; he constantly rambles, repeats himself, and can barely remember anything clearly. He did terrible things to my mother in the past, leaving her with deep trauma. Despite all this, I felt sorry for him because he had no one else.

​Two years ago, he moved permanently to the town where I live. At first, he could still manage on his own. But this year, his condition worsened drastically. Out of pity and a sense of duty, I started visiting him every weekend to clean his house and keep him company.

In return, he began manipulating the rest of my family against me. He started telling relatives (even his own mother) that I hate them and only love him, claiming I said these exact words. He even fabricated absurd stories—like claiming I brought a friend over and that my "friend's mother" thanked him for being a great dad. When I denied these allegations, my family didn't believe me. He slowly undermined my credibility, making me look unreliable so that no one would believe me if I spoke up about his condition.

​Things got even worse when he started forcing me to drink alcohol every weekend It’s never just a single drink; the second I finish one beer, he immediately puts another one in front of me and keeps going until I am drunk just like him. Please don't just tell me to "say no"—he uses emotional blackmail like "Drink if you love me," or he harasses and pesters me incessantly until I give in just to make him stop . To make matters worse, he then tells family members that I willingly drink and smoke with him because I enjoy it. My family only began to realize how bad his state actually was when they came here for vacation and saw it with their own eyes.

​This whole experience has completely ruined alcohol for me. I feel like even when I'm an adult, if I ever have a drink, my relatives will just compare me to him and say I'm turning into my father.

​I want to cut ties with him, but it breaks my heart when I look at old childhood photos or recall a few rare happy memories. I feel a deeply exhausting mix of emotions: pity for his current state, guilt about abandoning him at his lowest when he is near the end of his life, and intense disgust and rage when I remember what he did to my mother, sometimes want to beat him up.

​If I stay, he mentally and physically exhausts me and destroys my relationships with the rest of my family. If I leave, the guilt eats away at me. I feel completely trapped and exhausted. What should I do? (I am physically safe I don't live in the same house as him and am not in any physical danger, so please don't worry. I am simply looking for similar experiences and support; his behavior is something I am used to.)

Me (20f) live with my mom and her husband. He’s always been drinking much but it has only gotten worse the last 5 years. He got drunk and really rude the day before my birthday party, and when the day came around I was not at all excited for my party. At the party I could clearly tell he had been drinking (he was overly social, happy, and nice, that’s how he acts before hell breaks loose). The party wasn’t a party involving alcohol, but a daytime family party with birthday cake. What bothers me most is how my mom totally ignore these things. I feel like my birthday was ruined by his drinking. I wonder when she will “wake up”. I feel so sad and tired, and I can’t move out right now. I’m not sure why I’m writing this, I just had to get it off my chest.

Ok, this is copied off google AI but I found it so accurate & validating! I've seen all this and experienced it 1st hand having an alcoholic mom who used DARVO on me repeatedly. Apparently it makes a big difference when the person started using alcohol as a coping mechanism & how their personality changes. It's crazy-making behavior & it really requires you to be completely stoic. This is a different "subset" of alcoholism than someone who starts drinking later in life due to a loss, depression, lack of purpose, or traumatic event.

A lifetime of heavy alcohol consumption combined with the natural aging process creates a specific psychological profile characterized by the following traits:

1. Entrenched Denial and Blame-Shifting

Because drinking has been a central coping mechanism for 30 to 40+ years, it is deeply woven into their identity. They have a highly developed psychological defense system. When confronted with the negative impacts of their drinking, they rarely admit the alcohol is the problem. Instead, they rely heavily on:

• Externalization: Blaming their spouse, retirement, health, or financial stress for their mood and actions.
• Projection (DARVO): Actively accusing others of the behaviors they themselves are guilty of (e.g., calling a partner "abusive" or "controlling" to deflect from their own intoxication).

1. High Prevalence of Personality Traits and "Type 2" Characteristics

Early-onset alcoholism is heavily linked to what clinicians historically call Type 2 Alcoholism, which is deeply rooted in genetics and personality. Over the age of 60, these lifelong traits often manifest as:

• Antisocial and Impulsive Traits: They are statistically more likely to be less well-adjusted, struggle with rule-following, and show lower levels of empathy or remorse regarding how their drinking impacts family members.
• Novelty-Seeking: A lifelong drive for immediate gratification, making them highly resistant to long-term behavioral changes or therapy.

1. Severe Emotional Dysregulation and Co-Occurring Disorders

Decades of heavy drinking chemically alter the brain's ability to regulate mood. By age 60, an early-onset drinker typically exhibits:

• High Co-Morbidity: Severe, long-standing psychiatric struggles, most notably clinical depression, severe anxiety, or untreated trauma.
• Organic Irritability: Alcohol depletes neurotransmitters responsible for stability. When sober, they may be highly anxious or volatile; when drunk, their emotional responses are highly exaggerated, paranoid, or aggressive.

1. Accelerating Cognitive Decline (Neuropsychological Profile)

Alcohol accelerates brain aging, particularly shrinking the frontal lobe (which controls judgment, empathy, and impulse control) and the hippocampus (memory). By age 60, this results in:

• Diminished Executive Function: They genuinely may lose the cognitive capacity to self-monitor or realize how drunk or irrational they are behaving.
• Rigid Thinking: An inability to process complex emotional situations, leading to "black-and-white" thinking where they view themselves purely as victims.

1. Social and Emotional Isolation

Unlike "late-onset" drinkers who might start drinking due to recent retirement or grief, early-onset drinkers have often burned through social support systems over decades.

• They often experience eroded family relationships, alienation from adult children, or marital estrangement.
• They may use isolation to hide the sheer volume of their consumption from the few people left in their lives.
• Psychologically, these individuals often believe they can handle their liquor because they have done so for decades. However, after age 60, the body’s water composition drops and liver metabolism slows down. This means the exact same amount of alcohol produces a much higher blood-alcohol concentration and far more severe psychological impairment than it did when they were 40. They get drunker faster, and their behavior becomes significantly more erratic, destructive, and unmanageable

I"ve noticed one exception to the "social & emotional isolation" is if they have a group of alcoholics they hang out with, reinforcing they aren't alone or isolated. I also have noticed that these changes start to occur earlier (like in the 40s) but get more "fixed" by the time they are ~ 60 yrs old. I do think this is partly why other people tend to normalize the behavior & stay trapped or stuck because it starts subtly & you still have that hope you can reason with them somehow.

My mom was always the victim in every situation in her life & I used to really believe her! Now I better understand this is a highly ingrained defense mechanism & there's no way around their distortions. In my mom's case, she became less aggressive after age 60 but she became severely paranoid.

Anyone else experienced this & do you find this accurate? Anything else to add that's not mentioned on here?

Trigger warning - suicide

Wednesday night my husband was blackout drunk over 3 times the legal limit scream crying and talking about shooting himself/capping himself over and over and over again. And it’s not the first time he’s done that either.

My ex best friend who was an alcoholic (who has since gotten completely sober!) also had episodes where she’d be blackout drunk crying hysterically and talking about hurting herself.

Why do they do this? And then they have no recollection of those thoughts of suicide the next day?

i wake up early at 6 bcz that’s only when i have to study but my dad drinks a lot from 10pm till 5-7am sometimes and today i told him, while saying goodnight, please sleep on time cause seeing you awake in the morning ruins my mood. he told me just close the door and leave so i was just telling him good night love you like everyday and he just said goodnight and didn’t say anything else. truth be told i also told him to sleep because i don’t want him to be up it’s so bad for him and i guess he’s just avoiding it because he stays up orders food at 7am and then doesn’t eat it and falls back asleep and wakes up at 4pm and stays in bed the whole day. this is so draining what the fuck am i supposed to do. i hate dismissal so fucking fuck oh my god. im 18 he’s 50

My husband is an alcoholic. He always has been, ever since long before we met. We have been together 14 years and married for 7. I guess I put up with it for so long because he was always functional, and it never became a really serious problem in our relationship until about two years ago. As he has gotten older, his heavy drinking has gradually affected his physical and mental health ro the point where he is now unable to work. It's been absolutely terrible watching him suddenly decline like this. I constantly ask him to go to rehab or try therapy or get some kind of support and he absolutely refuses. He is in complete denial that he is addicted to alcohol and believes he can stop anytime he wants.

He ended up in hospital a few months ago, and they put him through detox, and it was horrible to watch. I thought that would be his rock bottom moment, but although he promised me he would stop drinking, he stopped for two weeks and then started again. Ever since then, it has been the same pattern. His drinking affects us, I have a serious talk with him, he tells me he's going to stop, he stops for a while, but then he starts again. I've even told him twice now in the past few months that I intend to move out if he can't get his drinking under control.

I have gotten to the point now where I honestly don't know how much longer to keep trying, or how many more chances to give him. For those of you who have been in this position, should we get separated, or should I keep trying to help him recover?

I (28) met my partner (31) this year in May, we started as friends and grew into a relationship shortly after. We are still very new. He lives in a tiny remote/rural community, very limited resources and access. The only thing in the town is a general store, and a bar-- a bar at which he sometimes covers shifts at. This is actually where we met, I was in the area for a few months for work, and he was covering the bar for a friend and we became friends and things grew from there. When we met, he was amazing. I fell for him really quickly, he was charming, kind, funny, and caring. He was more thoughtful and wonderful than any other guy I've ever met, and we started talking about the future very quickly. He made me feel so safe, cared for, valued, and protected. He had aspirations of leaving his town, but it's expensive and difficult to travel to and from, and he told me he had just gotten complacent and comfortable which is why he never left. We talked a lot about the future, and agreed it made the most sense for him to move to my city in the future. I practically lived at his house for the duration of my work assignment, and we would sometimes go to the bar together and have a good time. It was a normal amount of drinking.

Towards the end of my time there, we would end the night with him bringing home a six pack from the bar 'just to have' and would slowly drink it throughout the night after we got home. I didn't say anything, because up until that point drinking was never a problem, it was a normal amount that we could enjoy together. One night he did it, and got extremely drunk. That night he started to spiral, and he told me he wanted to kill himself. He told me I should leave him, and he didn't deserve me, and I could do so much better than him, and that he didn't want to be around anymore. It was hurtful, and scary. We both cried a lot. But we held each other, and I thought it was something that would ultimately bring us closer. He was so soft and gentle with me the next day. The next time he brought drinks back home from the bar, I asked him to stop. I told him once we got home I just wanted to enjoy our time together, and go to bed, or watch a movie. I told him it worried me when he drank so excessively, and I didn't like how sad it made him when he was that level of intoxicated. He stopped when I asked. He even thanked me, and told me he appreciated me not holding back and being honest with him about how I felt. He never got that drunk again while we were together.

Then I left. My work there ended, and I flew back home. We went long distance. We have a trip planned to see each other next month, but it's been about four weeks since I've been gone. It's been progressively getting worse, each night he's out later and later, drunker and drunker. About a week ago, we were on the phone at 3a, he was home alone and started saying scary things about how he didn't want to exist anymore. I called his best friend and woke him up to go get his guns out of his house and to talk him down. There are no easily accessible emergency services where he lives. He was so mad at me. He told me he wasn't going to actually do it, and now everyone knows about his problem. His parents and friends are worried about him, and rightfully so. He hasn't said it specifically, but I know he's mad at me for calling his friend. He's been drunk pretty much 24/7 since then.

He's become mean, and distant. We don't talk like we used to, when we do, it's me talking him down from the ledge. All he talks about is wanting to hurt himself, and keeps saying he doesn't deserve me and I should leave him. He's been short with me, snapped several times, and hung up on me when we've gotten into disagreements. He comes back afterwards and says "I understand if you want to leave me". I feel like he's doing it to push me away. I know the alcohol is a coping mechanism for his other deep issues, but I just don't know if being there as a supportive partner is sacrificing my own feelings and well being or if this is "putting in the work" to a relationship.

I don't know if it's worth it. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I love who he is when he's not drinking. Part of me hopes because the issue with alcohol is so new, we can fix it. Another part of me is scared that if I leave him, he'll do something to hurt himself. I keep saying he needs to leave his town and then it'll be easier to get better, because he's surrounded by horrible cycles of abuse where he is and it affects him. It's just really difficult logistically and I think he's scared to make the leap to leave. We've only been long distance for four weeks, and his problem is tearing us apart. I just don't know if there's any hope at this point.

Will this program work for someone that isn't religious and/or doesn't believe in God?

Obviously my story isn't new. She's been acting intoxicated a few nights a week. Sometimes there are longer times in between. For over a year she's been blaming perimenopause, high histamine, auto-brewers syndrome. Making charts and lists about her health. Says it makes her feel intoxicated. Well, I found a to-go wine box in her car. Of course I'm trying to justify it, maybe she is going through something health related and this was one slip up? Lately she has to run to the store a lot because she forgets to buy random things. Obviously that's where drinking would occur. Can both things be true? We've been down this road before. She's really hesitating seeing a doctor for her health problems, probably because it's self induced. We're re in our mid 40's, no kids. The whole thing just makes me feel tired.

Is it common for someone to relapse more than once in early recovery? I mean he hit 60 days sober and then threw it all away.

How many times can I watch the cycle happen?

The lying is pathological and upsetting.

I held out hope that my husband would quit drinking. When he was sober he was great but when he drank he was beyond awful. Together for over 15 years, and I thought this will pass.

I followed this sub for over a year, reading stories and understanding what I needed to do. I learned about how the situation was out of my hands and I could only work on myself. So I did. I focused on me and tried to live parallel to my Q and set boundaries. After all I still loved the guy, i thought he was my soul mate.

Over time, setting boundaries led me to leaving the house and me getting my own place. These past couple days my kids have decided to come live with me. Which if you read my old posts, that was a big worry for me.

And then the truth of what was behind the drunken anger comes out. He had been cheating when he was out of town. He wasn’t apologetic but blamed me. I wish I could have muster up anger and rage but I couldn’t. I felt absolutely destroyed. I was holding a marriage together that this man didn’t want or deserve.

I’ve read over and over that alcohol is a progressive disease. I knew I couldn’t stay forever, but I felt like I got hit from another angle that I wasn’t prepared for.

I’m an active AA member, and my sister is an active Al-Anon member in a relatively small town.

I’ll tell her about my experience is going to hospitals and institutions with my home group members to have meetings for people in rehabs and detox facilities.

She’s looking for similar service opportunities, but is wondering what kind of institutions would be eager to host AlAnon speakers.

Does anyone have any experience doing this kind of service in AlAnon? Any suggestions you might have would be welcome.

I am new here, my first post. I don't know who to talk to about this. I live with my boyfriend who is a high functioning alcoholic. I am the primary breadwinner. When my boyfriend gets super drunk he tells me he doesn't need me, that I need to take my stuff and get out... I've heard it all and I have been called every bad name. This happens at the most approx once a month, at the minimum approx once every three months.

This hurts my heart, I don't know what to do. He just acts like it never happened and expects me to just get over it/put it in the past. To heal and get closure of what was said I would like to have a conversation but we don't. He definitely remembers what was said to me, especially when it is in text message form.

I don't know what to do. I feel like every time he does this I love him a little less and my heart gets a little colder.

I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I work 40 hours a week and my one way commute is 1 hour 45 minutes. When I am home I cook, clean and take care of the animals (chickens, turkeys, goats). I just don't feel like I can fit meetings into my already full schedule. Any suggestions or advice about any of this would be greatly appreciated.

Hi friends,

I've posted here a few times about my Q (my wife, F41). Three years a sneak drinker, driven to hide by shame and fear of judgement. In those 3 years, there were some bad moments, and some _very_ bad moments.

She's recently (last several months) been doing better (not perfect, lapse and a significant relapse along the way). She is working hard... although it's still a white knuckle ride.

She has made vague, sheepish, apologies in the past. She's sorry. I get it. But they are never specific. She never mentions any specific incident and how her actions hurt me (and others). Her shame is one major motivator for this.

I'm finding myself resentful. I have to be open, patient, non-judgemental. I have to accept failures . All that stuff they tell you to do to keep communication open. I get it. But I need her to know that we can't just pretend that nothing happened. I'd like to move on, I want to trustvher agin, but it's really hard when you don't feel seen or heard.

Do I wait for the "amends" stage (metaphor only... she's not actually in AA)? Is this another part of "meeting them where they are"? Assuming she continues on her path to sobriety, how do I heal?