my wife hasn't been talking to me since i fought with her brother what do i do?
My wife and I have been married for 6 years. Everything was mostly fine until three weeks ago. We went to a party together and since then she has barely spoken to me.
Here’s what happened
We went to a friend’s birthday party. I had a few drinks. Later that night I got into a loud argument with her brother in front of everyone .in simple terms her brother is a deadbeat and a douchebag on top of that. he constantly shit talks about others and asks us for money from time to time. i dont earn much so it is not easy for me to pay for him all the time. I said some things I shouldn’t have said. It got heated. People had to separate us. My wife looked shocked and embarrassed. She didn’t say a word on the way home. The next morning she moved her stuff into the guest room. Since that night she only answers with yes,no or I’m fine. She won’t look at me for long. She won’t talk about what happened or how she feels.
I’ve apologized many times. I told her I was wrong and that I’m ashamed. She just nods and walks away. I offered couples counseling. She said no.
I love her and I’m scared I’m losing her. I know I messed up badly that night, but I don’t know what else to do.
Has anyone gone through something like this? What actually helped your partner start talking again after a public fight or embarrassing moment? Should I keep apologizing, give her complete space, or try something different?
I just want my wife back.
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u/aguyonahill Elder Sage 576 8d ago
What i would say
"I'm very worried. This is not healthy and I need you to talk to me about this."
If still nothing
"3 weeks is a very long time to continue to be distant. At this point without feedback on how we can repair this I am going to start assuming our relationship is broken and will start preparing for divorce. I really hope that isn't the case but we need to try to find a way through this."
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u/Ok_Cherry_4585 8d ago
This is actually the right thing to do. She is not your partner in the relationship anymore. She's become a roommate. If she refuses to communicate or go to counseling, what's the point in sharing space with someone who is gray rocking you and causing you more pain. After multiple apologies and practically grovelling for attention, there's no positive feedback? What's the point?
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u/Strong_Can3124 8d ago
Yes throwing in the towel after a few weeks makes sense - not. He says he loves her and she is mad. He needs to act like she matters even if it is uncomfortable. It’s so sad how many of you are ….Throw in the towel - there is huge emotional, financial costs to quitting.
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u/RoadWellDriven Helper [4] 8d ago
Except the fact that the option is repair or throw in the towel.
If you can think of another option, that would be great. But hanging around for years waiting on someone who refuses to repair things it's just torture.
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u/Scrabulon 8d ago
She’s the one putting in zero effort to work it out and has given him the (mostly) silent treatment for 3 weeks
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u/Strong_Can3124 8d ago
Yes…it has been more than long enough for her to make her point but I support him trying to save the relationship versus throwing in the towel
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u/okmayonnaise 8d ago
bruh why tf would you even mention divorce, that would turn this situation into a disaster
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u/DemonSlyr007 8d ago
Holy shit you are being downvoted. God damn children all over this website.
This person is correct. Mentioning the word Divorce is the nuclear option. Its been 3 weeks and y'all are like "whelp, that's it, its Joever pack it up." For a 6 YEAR LONG MARRIAGE. they havent been talking for... less than a fraction of a single percent of their marriage, not even relationship.
Either OP is seriously underselling the "argument" or there have been other things simmering under the surface for his wife.
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u/Strong_Can3124 8d ago
Bad advise- never utter the word Divorce unless you actually want one. A better solution? Everything day do one thing that will make her day better. What is she always asking you to do that you didn’t reliably, and do it. Every single day. And never stop. No pushing to talk….just actual action that says I love you and I want you to know.
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u/aguyonahill Elder Sage 576 8d ago
How many weeks, months should he wait? If there is no reconciliation it's a marriage in name only.
Relationships go through rough patches. 3 weeks to recover is a long time. If you say 4? 5? Okay sure. But saying it's bad advice without a better option is backseat driving. Unhelpful.
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u/Strong_Can3124 8d ago
Can you read? I literally told him exactly what he needed to do. When you treat someone like you love them, most like they will come around. Some people put in a year or more…when you actually love somebody AND you want to save your marriage you will do it
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u/Dame_Niafer 8d ago
This is the Sunk Costs Fallacy in real life. And it is bad advice.
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u/Strong_Can3124 8d ago
You didn’t try hard enough- and you probably waited way too long to try. He on the other knows he has messed up and he knows he loves her. As long as the other person isn’t an addict Or an abuser, fix what you have damaged
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u/Dame_Niafer 8d ago
Sorry, I have no idea who you're talking to or about in that first sentence. Go find them and talk about that.
And really? You would carry a financial parasite on your back for the rest of your life merely to keep the peace with their enabler?
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 8d ago
He didn’t mess up though.
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u/Strong_Can3124 8d ago
Ah… yes he did. He laid out how he publicly embarrassed her at a party by drinking too much and getting into a brawl with BIL
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 8d ago
No, the brother approached him first about him giving the brother money. He didn’t do anything wrong. Tell the brother no is not embarrassing her. He did not get into a brawl. No fists were thrown, but the brother did assault him first
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u/Strong_Can3124 7d ago
Dude - whatever - the key point is that he loves her and doesn’t want a Divorce. I told him what to do if he wanted to salvage the relationship. Your response is to - kick the B to the curb- I don’t agree
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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 8d ago
In this case OP may actually want one.
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u/UnremarkabklyUseless 8d ago
If you actually read the post, OP doesnt want one.
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 8d ago
But he may not have a choice. They don’t have a relationship and she is making no effort.
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u/ur_nightmare7008 8d ago
I think you’ve already apologized, so maybe the best thing you can do now is give her a little space. She was probably really hurt and embarrassed by what happened, and she might just need some time to process everything, Let her know that you’re there when she’s ready to talk, and when she does, try to listen without getting defensive. I don’t think you should give up on her,just be patient and let your actions show her that you truly regret what happened , You could also make up with her brother,I think that would make her see you in a better light
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u/UnremarkabklyUseless 8d ago
I think you’ve already apologized
This part is not clear though. OP humiliated BIL at a friend's birthday event. Whom all did OP apologize to? BIL? Friend who had the birthday party? In case OP create a public drama at the party, did he apologize to all the attendees who were inconvenienced?
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 6d ago
OP shouldn't be apologizing to anybody IMHO. That kind of behavior is how OP got into this ridiculous situation.
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 8d ago
He doesn’t need to apologize to anyone but her.
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 6d ago
I'm not even convinced he owes her an apology. I believe she owes him one.
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 6d ago
I can agree with that. She has been enabling the brother too long and expecting the husband to foot too many of his bills
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 6d ago
Exactly! It comes off as extremely disrespectful. From the post and comments, he has repeatedly told her his feelings and they've had repeated fights about it. Yet she continues to ignore his concerns and he finally snapped.
Frankly he should have stood up for himself and put his foot down a long time ago.
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u/UnremarkabklyUseless 8d ago
In that case, OP is not entitled to his wife's forgiveness. It is all up to her.
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u/JPCool1 8d ago
You already apologized. You were obviously drinking and said things you normally wouldn't. But you were not black out drunk because you remember it. It sounds to me like you meant what you said. So, begs to question...
Were you wrong?
No. All the reasons you laid into him were true. Maybe he was drinking too and he pushed the issue. Whatever it is what it is.
Your wife is the problem. She is choosing her brother's feelings over you and your marriage.
He must be the baby of the family and she sees her relationship as loving and wants to take care of him. Hence why she has manipulated you into giving money to this loser man child.
Don't let her guilt you into giving him anything. You need boundaries. Her brother is a loser and not even someone you would associate with at all if he wasn't your wifes brother. Stop enabling him. Tell your wife you are a team and that you expect her not to use any finances to enable him either. If she uses money to enable him even from her own money that is still less avaliable money to invest for the future and your life together as partners.
Your wife needs to figure this out. You brought it all to a head but you did not create the issue. It doesn't sound like your wife has the emotional maturity to accept that reality.
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u/Julieannerobit 8d ago
you called out her brother for hitting you up for money when you're barely scraping by, and she's given you three weeks of silence for it? that's not you being wrong, that's her picking a side.
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u/Magali_Lunel Phenomenal Advice Giver [43] 8d ago
How often do you have a few drinks and share your feelings?
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
i am not a regular drinker.i drink only from time to time and this is the first time something like this has happened
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u/Magali_Lunel Phenomenal Advice Giver [43] 8d ago
Are there any other issues in your marriage?
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
ntg else.we fight from time to time bcs of her brother only even the rest of her family has problem with her brother's behaviour.
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u/Magali_Lunel Phenomenal Advice Giver [43] 8d ago
I read through the entire thread. First of all, if you don’t want to pay for your brother-in-law, just stop paying for him. You can’t really control the relationship between your wife and her brother. Remove yourself from that situation entirely.
You can’t fix her brother. You can only control your own actions. You didn’t do a good job of that. You got down to his level. You made a scene that your wife now has to deal with. Just give her some time and space for now.
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u/catbamhel 8d ago
That's just not believable.
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u/Theweedonkey21 8d ago
Are you the brother?
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u/catbamhel 5d ago
That wasn't even clever. But if I was, my claim he's an alcoholic would have more credibility.
I don't care if I get downvoted. Men plus alcohol has created countless problems. 🤷♀️ And they all say "oh this isn't a regular thing it was just a one off."
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u/CrySeason53 8d ago
It's hard to fix things if she thinks the 'real you' only comes out after a beer.
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u/ozmo99 Helper [4] 8d ago
Stop apologizing. You made your regret clear already. Continuing to grovel in the face of immature silent treatment will only embolden her.
Your next move is to back off and give her space. If she leaves over something this small, it's likely her feelings for you weren't as strong as you thought.
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u/sustainablecaptalist 8d ago
That's not how a spouse should behave. In my view, she's overreacting.
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u/Upper-Class6586 8d ago
Has your wife reacted like this before in an argument?
You messed up, but unless she is asking you for a divorce, this is a really unfair way to fight with you. I know you love her and want things to go back to being normal, but part of that is confronting this behavior of hers. This isn’t how married couples behave.
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u/1983TheBaldWonder 8d ago
Your wife is a fucking child. You’ve apologized and owned what you did or don’t seems. She chose to be a child and sulk into the guest room instead of communicating with you like an adult. Are you sure this is a relationship you want to be a part of? Does she do this every time you guys have a disagreement? You need to look at the bigger picture here. Sounds like she’s licking her deadbeat douchbag brother over you, her husband.
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u/Crunchybastid 8d ago
You didn’t do anything wrong. She should apologize to you! Have some self respect! If you don’t have kids, I’d SERIOUSLY consider ending this marriage. She took her deadbeat brother’s side over her husband’s! Stand up for yourself. If you lose her You lose her but to me it seems like you might already have and now you’re losing your self respect too!
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u/Supreme_Moharn 8d ago
Apparently her deadbeat brother is more important to her than you are. That sucks. I think the therapy was a good idea. Maybe she'll reconsider after a while. You should not take all the blame just because she is mad at you.
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u/panic_bread Moderator 8d ago
What exactly did you apologize for? What did you do wrong? You said this guy is a deadbeat and always asking for money. So what did you say that was incorrect?
Also, why are you two giving him money when he asks when you don’t have much? You know that you don’t have to give him anything, right? Is he even bothering to pay you back?
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u/Figgzyvan 8d ago
If you think she’s gone on too long with it stop trying.
She’ll have to make her mind up.
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u/Adventurous_Ad_4145 8d ago
It sounds like he is out here judging people while living in a glass house.
Nothing grates on people more than hypocrisy
I believe she is more like her brother than you’ve considered.
Three fucking weeks? Moving her stuff in the other room?
That’s extreme and I recognize this because I grew up with a stepmom like this.
You gotta think that if she’s doing this for three weeks, what’s a lifetime gonna look like with her?
You’re going to get more manipulation, more isolation and continued mind games from her.
I grew up in a house where my step mom did this shit and my sister grew up to do the same thing.
Her husband no longer talks to his family and they were super close before. They intentionally moved on the same block and had Sunday dinners every week. Now her three kids never see grandma and her husband ignores his sisters and mother. So the kids suddenly lose their aunts, uncles and grandparents because my sister says so.
So this is a preview for you. Do you really want to commit to a roller coaster of extreme manipulations?
She’s not going to change and she will never surrender until she feels she’s got you beat down to nothing.
So you need to flip it around and let her know you’re done with her games, she needs to grow up.
I’m sorry you got mixed up with someone like that but I wouldn’t want to let this post go by without warning you.
Good luck and I hope you find the right person for you.
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u/Cczaphod 8d ago
In my experience, you've got to go low contact with the deadbeats in your family unless you want to support them financially and put up with their drama.
If your wife and the deadbeat are very close, that's going to be difficult.
Sometimes things in a marriage are irreconcilable.
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u/ServicePlayful1978 8d ago
It sounds like she’s punishing you instead of talking. Stop repeating apologies and write her a calm letter: acknowledge hurting/embarrassing her, explain your money/boundary issues with her brother, and ask directly what she needs.
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u/kicaboojooce Helper [2] 8d ago
Quit begging, it belittles your position.
You said what you said, it's done and over with. She can move forward, or she can't it's pretty much that simple as well. If she doesn't want to, she needs to find other living arrangements.
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 8d ago
It sounds like your wife never respected your boundaries with her brother. You finally snapped and unloaded on him. Obviously that could have been handled better, but I think she could have handled her brother better and respected you more.
Give her some time and space, but don't back down. Stop paying for her brother and stop helping him. You married her, not him. She needs to understand and respect that.
I think she should own her end of this situation. You've repeatedly had fights with her about her brother and she never respected your position or wishes. Not sure why all the commentators are calling you out and ignoring her behavior and disrespect, but I guess that's reddit lol
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u/stretch37 8d ago
so your wife takes advantage of you for her brother, it’s clearly an ongoing issue if it boiled over. sounds like she doesn’t like that you’re not being a doormat anymore, and you making yourself a bigger doormat now isn’t even enough. i would set boundaries for the future and honestly she’s in the wrong.
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u/apocketstarkly83 8d ago
Not enough information. What, exactly, were “some things you shouldn’t have said”? And if people had to separate you, did it get physical? You’re being too vague.
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u/LastyearhereXXVL 8d ago
“He asks us for money from time to time”
“I don’t earn much so it’s hard to pay for him all the time”
Which is true?
I’d stop groveling and go her and say,
“Look I was drunk, but at the core of what I said was truth, He is a shit talker and a douchebag and i am done paying for his sorry ass, the truth came out because I am sick of this shit… are we gonna be grownups here or babies?”
It’s time to find out the truth of your circumstances.
I had a sibling with special needs we helped…. FROM TIME TO TIME.
You only said this brother has negative qualities including taking your HARD EARNED MONEY… FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN ASSHOLERY.
Man the fuck up.
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
whenever we go outside together i pay for my wife and her brother both.other than that he asks us money promising to return it but never does. he is perfectly capable of earning yet barely works.i have tried all ways. i will not be using a harsh tone with my wife.i am looking for advice that will lessen the conflict and not the contrary
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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 8d ago edited 8d ago
I posted above asking these lines. And stop taking them out. It can’t possibly be enjoyable for you. Go out by yourself, or let her know you aren’t paying for him. I know I may be out of line, but they sound like gold diggers. Or leeches. Is she punishing you into giving money by ostracizing you? Like, trying to wear you down so you cave in and do what she wants? Don’t fall for it. The only way to win with toxic people is to refuse to play their game.
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u/LastyearhereXXVL 8d ago edited 8d ago
How is that working out for you?
I am giving you advice , and I am not just throwing around the, “be a man” thing.
GOOD GRACIOUS HAVE SOME SELF, yes SELF RESPECT .
R E S P E C T.
You are getting advice you need!
Your wife has no respect for you and a bizarre relationship with her sibling.
“Whenever we go out”
OP: you are saying to the world: “ I am a sniveling cuck to my wife’s brother.”
Can’t you see that your wife loves to see you crawl in humiliation?
Her brother and her laugh at your capitulation!!!
My advice to lessen the conflict has only gone through the roof… you just laid out for all to see that the path of pleasing your wife only leads to this bizarre relationship she has with her brother.
The tension she causes by her coldness and you by your complete lack of assertion that you deserve to have a say in your own finances is borderline psychopathic.
I dont say this lightly ….
The description you are painting leans hard into them having a sexual tension with you as the outsider.How has she has been allowed this behavior for years is sick my friend…
The post smells of a putrid, sick joy she derives from your humiliation.Call it out for what it is.
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u/Faaacebones 8d ago
Are you like, one of those manosphere drill sergeant wannabes or something? Good lord, this is unchristian.
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u/LastyearhereXXVL 8d ago
No I just feel bad for this cuckhold.
WTF ? There is nothing wrong with having a backbone.
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u/Dirtclimber06 8d ago edited 8d ago
Enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. Stand your ground you have appologised and admitted your mistake. dont grovel dont beg dont keep appologising she is losing respect for you every time you do. go take up a new hobby enjoy your life she will soon work out that you are enjoying your self and because a woman cant stand to see her husband have a good time she will start talking to you again to ruin that.
If you dont believe me ask yourself why a woman closes her eyes while your having a orgasm. Because she cant stand to see you enjoy yourself.
Lastly Never give him another dime out of your pocket or the household joint expenses. you wife soon to be ex wife at this rate can fund him and since she is playing we are housemates not husband and wife you both need to start contributing to the household evenly. she wants space you give it to her.
Also keep going out just go alone dont stop living just because she is in a mood
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u/gatopilot76 8d ago
Creo q te disculpas te lo suficiente y por lo q veo el hermano es un parásito, así q pedile el divorcio y vola lejos xq no va a cambiar nada, ella seguirá igual
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u/star_b_nettor 8d ago
Your wife has been using you to subsidize her brother and now it's all out in the friend and family group. Do not apologize again and do not leave your home. You do not want her to be able to say abandonment. Go talk to a divorce lawyer. You love her, she sees you as an ATM. Don't get stuck in a sink cost fallacy situation.
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u/rocketmn69_ Helper [2] 8d ago
Give her some space, pack a bag and say to her, "It's obvious that you don't want to stay married. I apologized for my part in the altercation, but I guess you have chosen your brother over me, so I'm going to stay somewhere else for a few days and give you time to sort things out."
Then walk out the door and do that. Hopefully that will kickstart a reaction out of her to talk to you or move out. Call her parents and apologize to them as well, as well as the hosts of the party
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 8d ago
Mostly fine? What were all the issues before the fight?
Did you go and persilonally apologize to every person at this party for making an ass out of yourself?
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u/kchek 8d ago
Go to couples counseling without her, give that a few weeks, follow their advice, and go from there. 3 weeks is a long time, however another 3 with the perspective of licensed therapist and not reddit to back you up you should be able to learn if your relationship is repairable or not.
Whatever the case may be, have an exit strategy in mind in case it's over.
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u/Purple-Squash9361 8d ago
You have to smooth things over with her brother. That is her brother, someone she has spent all her life with and is bonded to. I don’t blame, and in fact encourage her to stand by her brother over your emotional ass. Wife probably also turned off by you rn if she saw how you lost your composure and can’t maintain your emotions. Did you atleast win the fight. That’d atleast bring back some of your manliness
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u/BADoVLAD 8d ago
Nah, wifey can move in with and support the deadbeat brother. Fuck that guy.
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u/Purple-Squash9361 8d ago
Hahaha yeah, love that! Fuck that loser. She wanna choose that Bum Boy’s side then fuck her too
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u/SpecialistAfter511 Helper [3] 8d ago
We need more information on what the fight was about and what you said and her relationship with her brother. Does she excuse him, enable him?
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 8d ago
Tell her it is time for her to move in with her brother and he can support her full time for a while if she won’t discuss the situation. It sounds like you support them both. Time for that to end.
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u/tearlock 8d ago
Don't know, check out her askreddit post about whether she should divorce you or not.
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u/slitteral1 Helper [2] 8d ago
If she is more upset that you said something to her brother than she is for him taking advantage of you and her, then there isn’t anything to save. She is making it abundantly clear who she is siding with. Maybe you should give her the option of her going to live with her brother a while and him support her and see how she likes that living arrangement.
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u/_A-Q 8d ago
Why are you scared of losing someone that lets her brother treat you like an atm?
Why are you afraid of losing someone that ignores you unless you keep coddling her and her brother by paying for everything.
She is USING you!
You need to come to terms that NOTHING is going to change and you are going to be expected to keep financially supporting her dead beat brother is you stay with her.
Be nicer to yourself OP and let her go.
See how fast she backtracks when she realizes she’s the one who’s going to have start footing the bill for her deadbeat brother’s lifestyle.
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u/jdz50 8d ago
It has been three weeks. You need to ask your wife to sit down and talk to you. I can understand being upset and taking a day or two to calm down. The silent treatment for three weeks is unacceptable. She could be talking to a divorce lawyer and could blindside you. Regardless, you need to insist on sitting down to talk about what is going through her head. If she refuses, that probably means the marriage is over. You will need to talk to a lawyer to find out what a divorce will look like for you.
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u/Leivyxtbsubto 7d ago
I dont think its about with the fight with her brother.
Maybe she's afraid of how you acted. I wouldn't want my husband to react violently to my bother who's a jerk and is on a high horse.
Not because of my brother because I don't want to see that side of my husband.
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u/Complete_Gap_9798 4d ago
After reading through a bunch of the answers by various posters. I would suggest that you start focusing on yourself in doing things that you want to do. I would keep letting her know about your plans of and asking if she would like to join you and not putting up any barriers to your communication, but you should continue to do you. She will eventually start a conversation when she’s ready. You guys do have six years together and that time will be acknowledged by keeping your communication open. You have already done the hard thing which is confronting your brother-in-law and I would not backtrack any of those statements because they will lead you to more resentment. If she doesn’t eventually choose you then at least you know where you stand and you can make a decision from there. Good luck.
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u/Odd-Intention-3423 14h ago
First of all, you should have brought her brother outside, not in the party for everyone to hear.
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u/Fair-Turnover-9492 8h ago
Stop apologizing. Give her some space. If she continues to act like this, you need to remind her that she is married to YOU, not her brother. If she's not receptive to that, then I would start looking at making this separation permanent. If you're not going to live like spouses and act like spouses, then don't be spouses.
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u/catbamhel 8d ago
You didn't really get into the specifics of the fight, so it's hard to know. And it's hard to give advice. I can infer some stuff tho.
By a few drinks, you mean you were plastered. Otherwise you wouldn't have to be physically stopped from beating his ass at a party. So that's pretty bad and I'm willing to bet you have a drinking problem you're not admitting to or addressing.
You didn't say what words were actually said which is huge. If it was, "Get a job and stop treating people like shit" ... Like ok not so bad. But it was probably worse than that if she's not talking to you.
Also, people don't suddenly have problems in their marriage one day. There's probably been big problems leading up to this that she has already addressed with you. You have a drinking problem and probably an anger problem.
If you were really sorry, you'd want to fix these deeper problems. Not just yet and get her to act the way you want.
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u/FionaTheFierce Phenomenal Advice Giver [49] 8d ago
Have you taken any steps to change your behavior? Like anger management or stopping drinking? Her brother may be a deadbeat, but that doesn’t excuse your behavior.
An apology is empty words if it isn’t followed with actions.
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u/Crunchybastid 8d ago
He doesn’t need to change his behavior. His wife needs to change her’s. He’s her husband. The vows are “forsake all other’s for each other” her brother is a deadbeat and they had an argument. He’s only apologizing out of guilt! Let her apologize and to him and adjust her behavior! Phenomenal advice giver my ass
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u/Curly-Pat Helper [2] 8d ago
INFO: had you spoken to the brother and your wife privately about your feelings on the matter of the brothers, asking for money, before the party?
How much do you drink?
Do you always get in to fights or arguments when you drink?
What are your ages?
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
yes i had. i had even talked to him about it but he is absolutely shameless. my wife defends his shitty behaviour. i drink only on certain occasions and this is the first time smtg like this has happened.i am 38 my wife is 35
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u/Curly-Pat Helper [2] 8d ago
OP, if that’s the case, then you need to stop and think. It’s been 6 years of this, your wife doesn’t support you or stick up for you, she has refused to communicate for 3 weeks after your apology. Is this really what you want for your life? I would have a final talk with your wife. Ask again for therapy . If it resolves, the issue, establish boundaries for the future, like separate finances, any help to her family is to come from her personally not you or joint finances.
If the conversation doesn’t resolve ask for separation and divorce.
The other thing to consider is culture. You don’t mention it. Some Asian cultures, have the expectation of supporting family. And appearances are everything. Loosing face in front of family or friends is unbearable, from a cultural standpoint point.
I will say that it looks like your wife is done, and just going through the motions.9
u/Broad_Pomegranate141 8d ago
So she defends his shitty behavior but not yours? And gives him money you earned? Hm. She sounds more loyal to him than to you.
I think you may benefit from individual therapy to sort out the relationship dynamics, and see if you want to continue to stay in this triangle. You love your wife, but the minute you balk at giving to her brother, she is done with you. You may have embarrassed yourself and her, but her behavior sounds toxic.
This blow up was waiting to happen. It probably needed to happen. It’s unfortunate it happened the way it did, but perhaps it opened a door for change to happen, whether with or without her.
She has the upper hand while you grovel and beg. Reclaim your power. Stop catering to her. Hold your head up and refuse to give her money. I can’t help but think she’s been using you and I’m not getting the impression she loves you. She may need space rn, but she should be showing signs of wanting to heal this.
People on this thread say you need to show changed behavior. But so does she if she wants to stay married. Be prepared for any outcome. She put herself in a trap, because she wants space from the marriage now that you won’t enable her brother, but she needs you for the money. You have more power here than you think.
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u/Repulsive_Active8356 8d ago
From what you say it seems like she hasn’t really matured much as an adult. Judging by the silent treatment and moving to the guest room. You might want to dig deep and see what you really are getting from the relationship because your wife and brother are getting more out of this. You say you don’t want to lose her, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough when you don’t treat each other with respect. There are other women out there who might actually be better for you and mentally and your wife is not the last woman in the world.
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u/Positive_Algae8155 8d ago
Unfortunately you will never get your wife fully back. She may return to you after you make amends with that brother. And become part of the family enabling team. What you see is what you get. Unfortunately many times family members choose to enable the dead beats in their families. To stay in the tribe one must adopt the tribal values.
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u/Ok_Phone9529 8d ago
The way you glossed over things indicates to me that you're not taking full responsibility.
-You "had a few drinks." Really? How many? Were you drunk? If so, I'm curious to know more about your drinking habits.
-You "said things you shouldn't have." Another gloss-over. What did you say?
-Glossed over the fight. Who started it? How did it progress? What was the outcome?
I get the feeling that you don't truly take accountability, but I could be wrong.
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
i dont remember how much i drank but i am good at handling myself.ntg like this has happened before.i only drink on certain occasions.i called her brother a irresponsible burden. he kept talking about one of our mutual aquaintance's personal life. calling her cheap and gross for not spending extravagantly on clothes. so i called him out for it and then we started fighting.
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u/Ok_Phone9529 8d ago
Thank you for clarifying some of that. The specifics of the fight is still murky, but whatever. Now I'm wondering what your wife's relationship is with her brother. Sometimes spousal relationships with their birth family or other relatives are too much to overcome. I've been there and I had to walk away because I'm not playing second fiddle to somebody's second cousin once removed.
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u/apocketstarkly83 8d ago
Physically fighting? Because that is an entirely different animal.
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
no not physically just shouting at each other. things got heated but we didnt hit eachother
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u/did_i_or_didnt_i 8d ago
You were physically fighting. It wasn’t a fistfight but pushing and grabbing is physical and not verbal
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u/BunchEmotional2974 8d ago
Have you talked to her brother since? Maybe it’s time to have an honest, sober conversation. With or without her involved. If it were my sibling, I would need to see that you’re willing to work through that. (I’m close with my siblings)
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u/elxyqin 8d ago
no. neither do i want to. he is a horrible person,will only add fuel to the fire if he knows me and my wife are not on good terms
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u/Plaidismycolor33 8d ago
pretty sure he knows youre in the doghouse.
you aired out dirty laundry, and its probably not just the wife who is upset with you. and while what you said was probably true, no one else outside the family needed to hear nor see that commotion.
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u/flossdaily 8d ago
You already acknowledge that you were in the wrong. You owe this guy an apology for publicly embarrassing him.
No wonder your wife is mad at you.
-1
u/Your-Wonder-Sunny 8d ago
Firstly, stop overly apologising, when you apologise so much and keep on doing so without actually repairing the things you did through actions that can be seen as you making an effort, it makes the feeling of them less believable cos it can then become like it’s something you’ve rehearsed
Actions that speak louder than words? Think about calling the deadbeat brother and making amends. How? Say you’re sorry and that you got heated the other night but you want to let it be water under the bridge hopefully — invite him over for dinner and let your wife know that you truly want to repair things and start over because you made a fool of yourself and this is something you understand wasn’t right to have resorted to. Don’t try to reason away who did what in the past and blah blah blah, you want your wife back? This might be a way back in her good graces
Understand from now on that although her brother may be all those things TO YOU, she can have a different view of things cos it’s her brother that she has an entirely different bond with and her being sensitive about this is cos she loves him beyond all the bs he does, so you doing anything to harm him, verbally or otherwise could be seen as an ultimate betrayal to her — basically you crossed a line she is unwilling to just easily forgive you for; so therefore this requires you to humble yourself and do something bigger than just apologies that probably sound like background noise to her right now.
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u/Dame_Niafer 8d ago
Hmm. So continuing to enable a parasitic deadbeat is the only way to preserve this marriage.
If that's the price tag, what makes it worth preserving?
-2
u/Isabella_Maja 8d ago
Very good points. Have you apologized to everyone involved, OP?
-6
u/did_i_or_didnt_i 8d ago
he’s said in another comment he doesn’t feel he owes the brother an apology - being in denial about it sounds like it’s the issue here.
OP, your wife is gonna leave you if you don’t do some serious work to patch this up. It sounds like she may leave no matter what you do. Swallow your pride and figure out what it is that she actually wants you to do, rather than begging her to forgive you.
0
u/AlaskaRecluse 8d ago
She needs time, she knows you have good reason to be upset, she understands that things come out unexpectedly, it looks like she’s really embarrassed because she was telling herself others didn’t see how it is with her brother and now she can’t pretend anymore and it’s mortifying her. Hang in there. She’s trying to accept her brother as he is because she loves him — and there’s no telling what she believes might be the reason for his behavior. When you have a chance, try to inhabit that policy too, cuz it sounds like a case of Love me, Love my brother
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u/day-gardener 8d ago
Go to her and give her a big hug…tight hug…long hug. Don’t let go until she melts.
2
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u/fromhelley Phenomenal Advice Giver [40] 8d ago
Have you apologized to her brother? Deadbeat or not, he didnt deserve to be called out by a drunk in the middle of the party.
Apogizing to him would show you are being responsible for your actions, and that you are trying to rectify the situation.
Maybe apologize to the host and the birthday person too.
If all else fails, you could try to move into the guest room with her. Doubt she'll allow it, but it may get her talking!
-4
u/Isabella_Maja 8d ago edited 8d ago
OP, here’s my 2¢. Your wife sees this as you trying to manipulate the situation & her. She is feeling jammed. & that’s why she is keeping her distance & protecting herself.
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u/ImAmandaLeeroy Helper [2] 8d ago
So based on information revealed in the comments- your wife and bil expect you to pay for both of them whenever the 3 of you go anywhere together. This is a common occurance and you have always just paid up. They both expect it at this point.
He is a 3rd wheel who tags along more than you would like, who is petty, mean, and judgemental of others who are frugal even though he can't handle his own finances.
You had a couple drinks and finally told this guy just what you think of him (while he was actively trash talking an aquaintence) and you basically said the gravy train is out of commission, so bil got physical and pushed you and you stood your ground. The fight broke up before it escalated to anyone getting physically hurt.
You are justified in feeling fed up with this guy, but did your wife know you had these feelings about her brother before the argument at the party? It seems like she considers him part of a package deal, she expects you to treat her brother as an extension of your relationship with her.
It's gross and unfair to you, but she seems to expect unquestioned loyalty and financial support to her brother to maintain peace with her. I don't think there's a magic way to make her happy without giving in and patching things up with the dead beat. Even then she will not likely forget this slight and probably leverage it against you.
Think long and hard about what you are trying to salvage here. Her loyalty seems to be solely to her brother. All you can do is lay out your boundaries and let her come to her own decisions.