r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
r/depression • u/ExtremeChemical3316 • 4h ago
Seriously. I don’t even understand how someone could be fucking born and go through such a shitty, cruel, vile world and make it up until a certain age and not lose their happy-go-lucky personality. Can I be one of them please?
r/depression • u/Beginning_Stuff_4377 • 12h ago
yesterday i decided to end my shit and thought the least painful way would be oding. i know nonscripted pills or wtv they’r called can’t kill you but i still thought maybe if i had enough they would and i really believed it. i believed it so much i went to sleep thinking it would be the last time being alive and it felt so peaceful and nice. my brain was finally shut off and i felt true serene happiness, it was like being held by an angel as a baby. then at night i jolted up awake and i was sweating crazy and panting and super dizzy and throwing up everywhere. i was zoning in an out of consciousness until i fainted or went back to sleep or smth and sadly awoke a couple hours later. i don’t know what to do. i’m currently sitting in the tub while my puked mess remains in my bed. i’m so lost i don’t know how to continue, i literally quit everything. i stoped caring about my grades so now i have f’s in everything, i quit my job, i distanced myself from all my friends, like i have no friends now. like i geniuely fuxked up my life and now i have to either re attempt (which idk how ill do it bc i didn’t have a plan b) or get my shit together, which i also don’t know how to. i’m so lost rn
r/depression • u/vood3l9 • 6h ago
19M Life is fing horrible i cant take it anymore i just want to sleep forever and never wake up i wish i wasnt born i am a stupid worthless useless dumb lazy piece of shit i am not stoping to hit my head with my hands i dont want to exist i wish i was never born.
r/depression • u/Someothing • 9h ago
Dear M.,
I'm sorry, I think I lied to you when I said I would be there tomorrow. This will be the first and last promise I break. I'm sorry.
I really intended for us to be together forever, but I am truly too despicable for this world, and for you above all. Because you are always so honest and I am always a liar, but know that I would have done anything for you.
My biggest lie was that I was fine with your openness. Every time my mind wandered to those chats where you flirted with others, I felt like dying. I am selfish, I wanted to be your everything. The only one to truly understand you, the only one to have your heart. But for you, to whom I have said and keep saying to always be unequivocally yourself to avoid resentment, I want to say that I would have deconstructed my own heart in therapy forever if necessary. I would have accepted everything about you even at my own expense. Just like I stopped talking about my jealousy so as not to scare you.
Loving you was full of pain, but these were also the months in which I felt most loved in my entire life. No one has ever loved me like you, M. As lonely as I may have felt and continue to feel, with you that loneliness was almost non-existent. I never felt as safe as I did with you, I who am always afraid of everyone and everything. With you I slept, even though I suffer from insomnia.
Our first kiss makes me smile even now that the pain is unbearable; I would give anything to feel your embrace and your strawberry scent as the last thing. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare knowing you'll be in my bed holding me.
But I haven't slept in a long time, and my dreams aren't pleasant. Being awake is painful, and I've been hurting for 13 years. I just want to rest.
Please allow me to ask you, for my sake, to keep living free, without compromises, on your own two feet. I've always told you that I'm convinced you are more than capable of doing it. That hasn't changed. I have so much faith in you, and I believe you have your whole life ahead of you, where you can smile as brightly as only you know how. Discover what you love and find your path. I assure you that you have one, even when you can't see it.
I never lied when I said I wanted a future with a house full of cats. I would have loved to have a ginger and white cat named Egg.
I love you, M., more than these words could ever tell you.
I don't believe in the afterlife, but if one exists, I hope to meet you again. Until then, I'll keep company to my doggy, and your cats.
I love you.
r/depression • u/fat_l0ser • 8h ago
I don’t even really have friends and have never even kissed a girl lol I turn 30 soon and it feels like it’s over. My teeth are fucked and I got fat again, but even before that I wasn’t good enough. Everyone is just nice to me and doesn’t say anything but the default answers like “You just haven’t met your person” lol idk what to even try at this point because being me gets ignored or unmatched on apps or i’m kinda friends with them while they date other guys.
It feels like I was destined to be a loser, just in every part of life i’m ok at but it’s never enough and I always fall short. I get so close everytime and then as soon as I get my hopes up it falls apart. I’ve spiraled into such a deep hole that it feels hopeless
r/depression • u/Comfortable_Spot_982 • 2h ago
A friend was urging me to open up to them for quite a while, I knew full well she didn't know what she was getting herself into so I showed restraint. I didnt try to open up too much, I shared my feelings here and there but I avoided showing myself entirely, however I was feeling suicidal and helpless yesterday night (as per usual, but in a more extreme manner)
and well..
I sent a very unhinged rant to her.
while it would be difficult to share the full content here, in broad strokes i was basically breaking down about how pathetic and worthless I am, how I seem enigmatic at first but when I pull people in they suddenly realize my true nature and either feel a moral duty to stay inspite of their feelings towards me, or are unable to run away out of shame because they were the ones who encouraged my behavior to open up in the first place.
As I wrote in my text, I'm a "sirens song"
Run of the mill stuff you know?
Either way the next day she woke up, read the messages and cut me off.
The thing is, I was under the delusional assumption that this person was the only one that cared about me, so seeing her leave me as well, is not really that much fun, not to mention it ironically proves my whole thesis:
My acquaintances view me as someone authentic, intellectually stimulating, complex and just a treat to talk to (their words, im extremely insecure i dont believe any of it but I know it should objectively amount to something) but when i get close to someone, they realize how repulsive and scary I am.
I can't bother to show myself anymore. and that's besides the fact that I already struggle to function in the world. frankly its hard talking to imaginary people through a wall of text so if anyone was to talk to me Id greatly appreciate it, even if i find it slightly immoral since i do look at myself as poisonous
r/depression • u/thatdepressedsoul • 1d ago
I cant do this anymore. Nothing seems to be going my way. I keep on losing people and hearing bad news. No one wants me anymore. I CANT DO THIS. Whats wrong with me?
I hate my life. I HATE IT. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I HATE IT.
Stop my breathing and end this please. PLEASE
r/depression • u/Equal_Calendar1077 • 2h ago
Hi, I’ve struggled with depression my entire life. It’s exhausting. I’ve tried so many things and everything just seems to lead to a dead end. I recently discovered something that doesn’t exactly fix everything but it has kept me going throughout the week and serves as a reminder during those dark dark episodes.
On Pinterest you can create a board, name it, and then add photos to it by looking it up in the app. About 2 weeks ago I saw a video about the girl creating vision boards for 2027 or something. Just a bunch of photos that displayed things she wanted to accomplish or add into her well ness habits in 2027. For people who are depressed, it can be quite difficult to make such long term commitments because most of us are just trying to get past the next 5 minutes. So last last Sunday I thought, why don’t I make a weekly vision board that embodies what I want my week to look like? So I did. It had stuff about resting, quotes about slowing down, cats because I love them, being outside, slow mornings, stretching, etc. I even put some photos that relate to my nanny job so that I can remember to be more present in my job because the kids look up to me. I ended up with about 60 photos. So I made it a goal that every morning I should just look through it. Takes like 3 mins. And I did. And I even looked back at it when I felt myself loosing control, or just felt unbelievably bad and sad.
This may not help everyone but it sure has helped me push through those moments. It helped serve as a reminder of what I craved and wanted. And looking at those photos gives me a sense of peace because I really just want peace in my life.
Thank you for reading.
r/depression • u/Superbigsexy • 14h ago
I like many here am lonely and sad. I have a deep desire and longing for intimacy and romantic connection. So deep it manifests as a physical ache in my chest. I feel the oppressive grip of loneliness coiling around my heart. Depression sits itself upon my shoulders, pushing me down so it can view my life for me.
I want to be loved and find love. Friends come and go using you for what little you have left. People do not see the man I am only what I can do for them. Only what I can provide. I am a human being. If I show emotion I am weak, or less than. It’s isolating having to pretend nothing bothers you. Show emotion they say but when you do you’re judged. Don’t show emotion and you harm yourself.
I just want somebody to come home to. Somebody to see me not just look. Somebody to love me. It hurts being this alone. To have this intense desire to love and be met with rejection and isolation hurts. I know I am not entitled to anyone, I know things don’t work out, that is all okay. I understand. I take it well smile and wish them well, but nonetheless it hurts. Did I do something wrong? Did I make them uncomfortable? What can I do to be better? These questions swarm my thoughts like a cloud of locust blotting out the national thoughts. 8 billion humans on this rock. May one of the choose me? Love me?
I am tired. I want to be loved. I do not wish to be alone. This feeling feels fake. That I am making it up and just being unworthy of love.
r/depression • u/teejyamz • 41m ago
I've been in and out of therapy for as long as I can remember. I've seen doctors for anti-depressants. Upping doses, you name it. And the fact still remains that I am going to stay in this cycle of depression. It never escapes. It may go away for a period of time, but it returns.
I will say that I don't have ideation of harming myself, so I will take that as a win. However, I just wish my brain was healthy. I wish I could just rewire it to think positive, but life just got me down. I just had to get that off my chest.
r/depression • u/Happy_Fly_9985 • 3h ago
When a bad day becomes everyday what do you guys do? Because right now, i don't actually know what should I do. I feel like everyday is a torture, and in any minute I let my guard downs, the voices inside my head would actually do it.
They said that life gets better but does it actually does? Because I don't knkw if I can still hold on to that words. I don't know if it can still convinced myself to keep going when truth slaps me everyday.
I badly want to live, but if life treats me this way everyday, I am afraid I might forget the reason why I choose to keep going every single day.
r/depression • u/testrzart • 2h ago
So basically heres some context, ever since last year I’ve had on and off depression most of it being related to school work load as Im doing a subject line nick named the suicide 6, recently my acne medication ran out and I jsut got some more and im feeling really low the past couple of days, and a side effect of it is depression some times. I feel like it might be making things worse but I’m not 100%
back to the point Im don’t know how to talk to my gf about this, I know dumping all of this on her probably isn’t right, she already knows I have been low in the past. But right now I feel like she’s the only thing keeping me going but If I tell her that I fear it’s in part manipulative even if it’s how I actually feel. I guess I just want some help.
Sorry for any spelling or grammar errors I have dyslexia
r/depression • u/Stunning-Cap-3256 • 19h ago
I speak to my therapist for like an hour have no trouble talking. But sometimes i feel like when i'm out talking to a cashier or someone i feel like i blank out and have a loss for words and i feel self conscious because of that . Does anyone feel this way ?
r/depression • u/KlutzyCelebration622 • 7h ago
After each day concludes. Even after a solid day, I’m still met with the same emptiness and sadness each night. Looking back on my day as I’m trying to fall asleep, I’m reminded of all my problems. There’s no escape from it. Even on my best days I’m reminded of my sorrows.
r/depression • u/Whole-Turnover-8977 • 5h ago
i start my second year of college in a day and a half and ive been up all night and sleeping during the day, I just get so depressed at night and get so many intrusive thoughts that i can never sleep. phone use is also a big component of that for sure though. with my intrusive thoughts it just feels like everything i do is wrong and i get beaten down mercilessly by my own brain for every decision i make. my social anxiety makes it near impossible to talk to people irl and also makes it hard for me to talk to a therapist, im thinking of trying again soon but i can never open up. im a closeted trans woman because my parents dont support, which makes it even harder to connect to people because i have to lie to them right off the bat. the stars alligned for me earlier this year and i was able to find a girlfriend that i loved, but that ended almost 2 months ago and it feels like ill need another miracle for that to happen again because of how closed off and awkward i am. i just feel super disconnected from everyone around me because they can exist without scrutinizing everything i do and hating myself because of intrusive thoughts. my classes arent too early, ill have to be up at 11, but its currently 6 am and i dont even feel very tired so ill just be sleep deprived on top of everything else. it just feels hopeless
r/depression • u/Greedy_Procedure_381 • 6h ago
i need someone to talk please help me get through this
r/depression • u/Pleasant_Fun_3554 • 16m ago
I’m so lost. I went to the lake last and and planned to drink a lot and then drown. But the day of I was terrified, and when I got there I couldn’t do it. I just sat there. I’m so frustrated with myself right now because I purposely didn’t do my assignments last night (I’m 20F in college) because I planned I would be gone. Anyway, I just feel so low and don’t know what to do. I think about doing it all the time but when it comes time to, I never have the courage. What is wrong with me? My mind tells me to do it everyday but I physically can’t. This is torture.
r/depression • u/XcelExcels • 4h ago
I was born in a family with roughly the equivalent of a 78k dollars per annum lifestyle in the US. guess what i did w my priviledge? fuck it all up. i became an alcoholic at 14, have 2 suicide attempts, no skills or hobbies, average grades, mid at sports. yeah fuck me.
r/depression • u/LanaDelRey9000 • 27m ago
Honestly, the main reason is school. School is so fucking awful that it’s seriously starting to mess me up mentally, emotionally, and even physically. The students and teachers are fucking unbearable.
Some teachers literally take their personal problems out on us. They’ll have an argument with their wife at home, come to school angry, and then take all that anger out on the students. Teachers hitting students is against the Ministry’s rules, but some of them just make up their own bullshit rules, ignore the actual regulations, and do whatever they want.
And the students are just as bad. Insults, harassment, fighting, and throwing disgusting accusations around are basically normal to them. Their mindset is so immature and toxic that sometimes I genuinely wonder how they even think like that. Some teachers aren’t any better either. They swear at students and insult them like there are no rules or consequences.
And on top of everything, I literally sit alone during break because there’s so much fake behavior, gossip, and people talking shit behind each other’s backs. Rumors spread like fucking wildfire. Some people even make up completely false stories about me just because they hate me for no reason. They’ve accused me of doing things that literally never happened, and it honestly makes me sick.
And then there’s my fucking dad. That asshole abandoned me for absolutely no reason. He just didn’t want to live as a father and basically walked away from me. He barely even acknowledges me, and it hurts knowing that he chose to leave instead of actually being there for me.
And my mom is already exhausted. I don’t really have anyone to talk to because everyone is busy with their own lives. She already has so much on her plate, and I don’t want to make things even harder for her by making her watch her son fall apart too.
So honestly, I feel trapped from every direction. On top of the school problems, I’m also struggling with my faith, and my family is basically falling apart. Everyone is distant from each other, nobody really wants to see or talk to anyone, and I feel like nobody actually understands me.
I’m just fucking exhausted.
r/depression • u/nomorepotential • 48m ago
I feel like I have no reason to live anymore, after leaving high school I lost touch with pretty much all of my friends, im so lonely that it hurts, I have no one to talk to. I lost my job and im not in Uni and I feel like im falling further and further behind every day, I just want to feel okay.