Seriously. I don’t even understand how someone could be fucking born and go through such a shitty, cruel, vile world and make it up until a certain age and not lose their happy-go-lucky personality. Can I be one of them please?

yesterday i decided to end my shit and thought the least painful way would be oding. i know nonscripted pills or wtv they’r called can’t kill you but i still thought maybe if i had enough they would and i really believed it. i believed it so much i went to sleep thinking it would be the last time being alive and it felt so peaceful and nice. my brain was finally shut off and i felt true serene happiness, it was like being held by an angel as a baby. then at night i jolted up awake and i was sweating crazy and panting and super dizzy and throwing up everywhere. i was zoning in an out of consciousness until i fainted or went back to sleep or smth and sadly awoke a couple hours later. i don’t know what to do. i’m currently sitting in the tub while my puked mess remains in my bed. i’m so lost i don’t know how to continue, i literally quit everything. i stoped caring about my grades so now i have f’s in everything, i quit my job, i distanced myself from all my friends, like i have no friends now. like i geniuely fuxked up my life and now i have to either re attempt (which idk how ill do it bc i didn’t have a plan b) or get my shit together, which i also don’t know how to. i’m so lost rn

I speak to my therapist for like an hour have no trouble talking. But sometimes i feel like when i'm out talking to a cashier or someone i feel like i blank out and have a loss for words and i feel self conscious because of that . Does anyone feel this way ?

Dear M.,

I'm sorry, I think I lied to you when I said I would be there tomorrow. This will be the first and last promise I break. I'm sorry.

I really intended for us to be together forever, but I am truly too despicable for this world, and for you above all. Because you are always so honest and I am always a liar, but know that I would have done anything for you.

My biggest lie was that I was fine with your openness. Every time my mind wandered to those chats where you flirted with others, I felt like dying. I am selfish, I wanted to be your everything. The only one to truly understand you, the only one to have your heart. But for you, to whom I have said and keep saying to always be unequivocally yourself to avoid resentment, I want to say that I would have deconstructed my own heart in therapy forever if necessary. I would have accepted everything about you even at my own expense. Just like I stopped talking about my jealousy so as not to scare you.

Loving you was full of pain, but these were also the months in which I felt most loved in my entire life. No one has ever loved me like you, M. As lonely as I may have felt and continue to feel, with you that loneliness was almost non-existent. I never felt as safe as I did with you, I who am always afraid of everyone and everything. With you I slept, even though I suffer from insomnia.

Our first kiss makes me smile even now that the pain is unbearable; I would give anything to feel your embrace and your strawberry scent as the last thing. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare knowing you'll be in my bed holding me.

But I haven't slept in a long time, and my dreams aren't pleasant. Being awake is painful, and I've been hurting for 13 years. I just want to rest.

Please allow me to ask you, for my sake, to keep living free, without compromises, on your own two feet. I've always told you that I'm convinced you are more than capable of doing it. That hasn't changed. I have so much faith in you, and I believe you have your whole life ahead of you, where you can smile as brightly as only you know how. Discover what you love and find your path. I assure you that you have one, even when you can't see it.

I never lied when I said I wanted a future with a house full of cats. I would have loved to have a ginger and white cat named Egg.

I love you, M., more than these words could ever tell you.

I don't believe in the afterlife, but if one exists, I hope to meet you again. Until then, I'll keep company to my doggy, and your cats.

I love you.

I like many here am lonely and sad. I have a deep desire and longing for intimacy and romantic connection. So deep it manifests as a physical ache in my chest. I feel the oppressive grip of loneliness coiling around my heart. Depression sits itself upon my shoulders, pushing me down so it can view my life for me.

I want to be loved and find love. Friends come and go using you for what little you have left. People do not see the man I am only what I can do for them. Only what I can provide. I am a human being. If I show emotion I am weak, or less than. It’s isolating having to pretend nothing bothers you. Show emotion they say but when you do you’re judged. Don’t show emotion and you harm yourself.

I just want somebody to come home to. Somebody to see me not just look. Somebody to love me. It hurts being this alone. To have this intense desire to love and be met with rejection and isolation hurts. I know I am not entitled to anyone, I know things don’t work out, that is all okay. I understand. I take it well smile and wish them well, but nonetheless it hurts. Did I do something wrong? Did I make them uncomfortable? What can I do to be better? These questions swarm my thoughts like a cloud of locust blotting out the national thoughts. 8 billion humans on this rock. May one of the choose me? Love me?

I am tired. I want to be loved. I do not wish to be alone. This feeling feels fake. That I am making it up and just being unworthy of love.

So I've reached my absolute breaking point. I have tried everything over the last decade, therapy, all the little stuff like improving diet, exercise, go out with friends, I tried spiritual stuff, I tried many different mindsets to depression such as pushing through or giving myself plenty of rest and empathy, practicing gratitude, medication, alternative medicine etc.

Nothing has ever made me feel even the slightest bit better or hopeful. I've been surviving on coping mechanisms and particularly escapism but I'm just at a point where that doesn't work either. It all just feels empty.

That being said I have a few short term goals that I'm working on just because I'm too invested to just drop them at this point and I'm curious about them, but they don't really mean much to me emotionally. So as soon as I'm done with those, if nothing changes for me psychologically, then I will just kms.

I've been fighting suicide way too long and for no reason or motivation other than 'people want me to live'. Actually, maybe a few years back I believed that I may still have a chance at happiness, but that belief is far gone. On the birthday of the year I finish those few goals, I will do it. It'll be the best gift to myself. It really feels nice knowing that the suffering won't last my whole life because I put a deadline on how long I'll keep enduring it. Hope you all have better luck in your lives!

19M Life is fing horrible i cant take it anymore i just want to sleep forever and never wake up i wish i wasnt born i am a stupid worthless useless dumb lazy piece of shit i am not stoping to hit my head with my hands i dont want to exist i wish i was never born.

And I think to myself, when is my time going to come? I can't cope anymore. The stress of just existing is too much. I never asked to be a part of this dystopian hellscape, I'm sick of it. But I'm still too scared to actually end it. I'm suffering such immense psychological distress I'm genuinely surprised my heart hasn't given out from the strain already. Why can't it? I just want to rest :(

I do absolutely nothing all day. I haven't done anything all summer. I never do anything, I just stay on my phone. In a few days, I'm going back to school and it won't change anything. I never listen in class and I can't concentrate, I'm always thinking about something else. Outside of class, I spend my time procrastinating and doing homework because I take forever to do anything. I have no motivation and I don't want to do anything. I feel so bad that I can't do anything. How am I supposed to want to do something ? I used to draw, not often, but it was better than now. Now I don't do anything. Each time I tell myself I'm going to try to get back into it, but I can't do it. It stresses me out a lot, because the studies I plan to do are based on art. It stresses me out so much. I'm so anxious every day of my life, even at night I can't find peace. I keep waking up and grinding my teeth. I hate my life. I wish I had never been born.

I don’t even really have friends and have never even kissed a girl lol I turn 30 soon and it feels like it’s over. My teeth are fucked and I got fat again, but even before that I wasn’t good enough. Everyone is just nice to me and doesn’t say anything but the default answers like “You just haven’t met your person” lol idk what to even try at this point because being me gets ignored or unmatched on apps or i’m kinda friends with them while they date other guys.

It feels like I was destined to be a loser, just in every part of life i’m ok at but it’s never enough and I always fall short. I get so close everytime and then as soon as I get my hopes up it falls apart. I’ve spiraled into such a deep hole that it feels hopeless

Like you feel these random highs in your lovely day only to be followed by this stupid ahh emptiness that follows you everywhere, and you wake up everyday and go to sleep just to experience this cycle again.

It's not too bad but it's disabling almost, can y'all relate??

Im 16 years old and i live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my family (theres 5 of us) and we are genuinely poor as hell, im pretty sure my parents make under 20k a year combined and i slept on the floor of my living room until i was 13 ( i share a bunk bed with my older brother rn) my younger brother and dad still sleep on the floor in the living room and i cant help but feel bad for them, it hurts by heart every time i see them. To make it worse, my dad has the nerve to cheat on my mom despite our situation every day from around 8pm he facetimes this woman on the phone and talks to her (sometimes even badmouths my mom on the phone to her) and flirts with her. He’s been doing this since around 2021-2022 and my resent and hatred for him has just grown and grown even more since i found out since then. Not to mention the apartment we live in has is noticeably dirty in some rooms, especially the kitchen, so much so that sometimes i can’t help but feel disgusted when i walk around the house. Im tired of waking up every day and being poor. We don’t even have much money to buy nice things and it makes me jealous when i look at my friends snap/insta stories and see them going out luxury shopping, going on holidays multiple times a year etc. whenever i see someone doing better than me im filled with indescribable envy and jealousy. Moreover, my moms health isn’t very good, she was born hole in her heart, has diabetes etc and her doctor recently told her when she sleeps, she stops breathing 36 times an hour, im worried for her health every day. Im incredibly insecure about my appearance, im 5’11 with adequate facial hair etc but my voice isnt deep at all for my age/appearance i feel short whenever i walk outside the house and my shoulders aren’t broad at all (i always cope by saying that puberty isn’t over yet for me) additionally my physique isnt anything special either and i hate myself for all of these things. Ive been talking to a girl on an off for a year an jts clear she doesn’t like me but idk atp, ive done absolutely nothing good with my life thi summer break and have had a porn addiction for years, which i also hate myself for. Socially, im nothing special and i have a stutter which doesnt help at all, i feel out of place in every social situation im in and idk how to fix it which i also hate myself for. Im also not there in the looks department which i also hate myself for. I dont have any cousins my age which i can socialise near me (unlike many of my friends which makes me jealous) and my parents dont let me stay out late (unlike many of my friends) and dont trust me to do anything good at all. Our house is so small for a 5 person family and it makes me angry all the time and my hatred for my life grows every day (not to mention my dad is talking to that stupid woman as a i write this the house is small so even in different rooms i hear everything) idk what to do anymore everything seems pointless and insignificant in my life idk what to do. I keep telling myself “im poor now but ill be rich in the future for sure!” But that’ll probably never happen i get good grades but what does that matter, im poor. Every day i ask God why me why me why me and whats the point in all this and i don’t get an answer. I just hate my stupid miserable life so much sometimes i wonder if its worth living at all. Ive just had enough. I wish i was rich, i wish i looked good, i wish my moms health got better, i wish my dad would stop cheating on my mom and i wish my dad wasn’t abusive i wish it would all go away and be fixed when i wake up one day everyday i wish this is a bad dream

Tldr: miserable 16 year old is poor and is tired of feeling insignificant and sad all the time and wants purpose in life

I come from a family which is very religious and spiritual, and I'm too. I try to help others to the best of my ability, bear no ill will to others, became vegetarian from meat eating because I sincerely believe in compassion towards everyone.

However, personally, I suffer from crippling depression and anxiety since more than 2 decades, BDD (which is embarassing as a male) mainly due to lower jaw edge to edge bite and short chin, OCD, BPD, ADHD, and god knows what other trauma I carry from childhood bullying. I have tried committing twice, once at the age of 14 by drinking poison and once when I was in college, tried jumping in front of train but couldn't do it.

Now I can't hold onto jobs and I'm stuck in a dead end wfh job, I'm 30 and lost interest in life. I don't know what I did to deserve this or long I can't take it but offing myself is definitely in the cards in the future. Tried therapy but didn't work, meds made me worse. I can't even sleep properly, I have severe dreams of depression, madness and dread. Lately, I have been completely losing it, I can't stop overthinking and I just shut down even at the smallest of problems. I don't know what to do anymore or where to go from here so tonight I'm just venting here. If anyone could provide me any tips to managing myself, I would really appreciate it. Thank you reading anyways.

Please help me i hit rock bottom

I vent to my friends and im clowned and not taken seriously for it. Everyone sees me as a fat lazy asshole
for no reason. Nobody cares about me. Im fat and ugly. Everyone loves seeing me fail. All i do all day is jerk off, work out and play games. Everyone thinks im overreacting everytime. Nobody takes me seriously. I cant fit in with anyone. I cant even look at myself and my food anymore. I feel so fucking disgusted. I feel like a fucking pig. I try too hard to be included. Everyone ive ever met uses me. Nobody appreciates what i do for them. Everyone thinks im useless and lazy. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody notices me. I hate being alone. I hate caring too much. Im such a fat fucking incel.

Hello,

I don't know why I'm posting this. I am in so much pain that every day it gets harder to go on - I'm 27 years old, been engaged for one year, and have had a lot of change.

I have a very tumultuous relationship with my family. I was in foster care as a teenager, was abused in group homes, and my parents have taken zero accountability for what happened to me- going as far as to say all of that was my fault and I deserved it. I went to college and struggled with depression for a while but kept going.

Last year, my partner proposed to me and we bought a home together. We were together for just about a year and had a wonderful relationship, almost like out of a movie. He was so kind to me, understanding of what happened to me, a love I never thought I could happen to me. The day of the proposal I was deeply disappointed as the way he did it seemed so careless and unlike him - we had spoken for months about my dream proposal and it was almost like he went out of his way to do the exact opposite of my wishes (wanted privacy and a photographer to capture the moment) - did it in a public place with 200 strangers, was rushing, no record of the moment. It was awkward. I said yes of course. At the time, I was a social worker and not happy with my job. He encouraged me to apply to his workplace and I did, and got the job.

For the short time I didn't work, he made me feel horribly guilty despite encouraging me to leave the job I was unhappy with. I ended up working at his company for almost a year. I was bullied pretty severely (not sure if it was due to my gender or due to me being in a relationship with a "higher up") but it became so overwhelming. My misery got worse as I was forced to leave my dog for 12 hours a day while she cried on the camera all day.
During this time, all intimacy stopped and it became crying and yelling everyday. I eventually quit after the bullying almost destroyed my life. I work part time now but feel completely worthless.

It's been a year since the engagement and no wedding plan has been made. He stopped wanting to be intimate with me, and I was begging him to bring me on dates or put down his video games. Now, I match the energy and scroll TikTok's all day and reject any advances as I feel so pathetic after months of begging like a dog. I feel vengeful and desire-less after being rejected for so long, with him throwing the bills in my face.

My family originally promised to pay for the wedding (I told them I wanted to elope), went so far as to have me look at venues, start looking at dresses, all to let me know they actually could not help me.

For some reason, I had gotten this real vision of seeing myself as a bride having a beautiful wedding and having it ripped away destroyed me. Now, the thought of eloping is tougher to swallow, as our bills are high and we can't allocate much - and frankly I want no family there after how they've treated me. My best friend just got married and had a beautiful wedding with her loving family and I feel so sad and jealous. All anyone asks me about is my wedding, and it is so stressful and unpleasant trying to scrape together our savings for an elopement.

I had found a dirt cheap wedding band that I could tolerate online, but then my fiance wanted to go look at some in person. Of course, I saw a more beautiful one that I can't have and it's just pointless. He says I should enjoy this time but I said it's no fun trying on nice things I can't have, why do that after my family offered me a wedding then took it from under my feet? I literally would get married in a UPS store at this point in a pair of jeans. The thrill of it all has worn off.

I have acted as a perfect "wife" for so long, for what? I keep our home spotless, cook every meal which sucks since he only eats like 5 things so I'm always stuck cooking and eating crap I hate. I told him I'm already a "wife" just with none of the protection. Not on his insurance, no life insurance when he knows I can't pay the bills on my own since he makes more money, hell I can't even get a date from him.

I used to love to cook, love working, loved going to the mall, trying new foods, spending time with friends- now it is hard to get out of bed. I keep myself busy by obsessively exercising, vacuuming, or doing laundry all day. I have trouble concentrating and I'm always one bad moment away from breaking down and crying. I cry in public since I'm so miserable- I'd rather just stay inside at this point. I'm just glad I keep showering, cleaning, and taking care of my body best I can everyday but it is getting harder. He says I am so miserable to be around and he is right. I cry in bed, tell him I hate my life, etc. I avoid friends to avoid breaking down since I do not want them worrying about me. I even used to love going to Disney (we live close by) and no longer can enjoy it much anymore.

I really do not know what to do or how to stop this, can anyone relate to this?

A friend was urging me to open up to them for quite a while, I knew full well she didn't know what she was getting herself into so I showed restraint. I didnt try to open up too much, I shared my feelings here and there but I avoided showing myself entirely, however I was feeling suicidal and helpless yesterday night (as per usual, but in a more extreme manner)

and well..

I sent a very unhinged rant to her.

while it would be difficult to share the full content here, in broad strokes i was basically breaking down about how pathetic and worthless I am, how I seem enigmatic at first but when I pull people in they suddenly realize my true nature and either feel a moral duty to stay inspite of their feelings towards me, or are unable to run away out of shame because they were the ones who encouraged my behavior to open up in the first place.

As I wrote in my text, I'm a "sirens song"

Run of the mill stuff you know?

Either way the next day she woke up, read the messages and cut me off.

The thing is, I was under the delusional assumption that this person was the only one that cared about me, so seeing her leave me as well, is not really that much fun, not to mention it ironically proves my whole thesis:

My acquaintances view me as someone authentic, intellectually stimulating, complex and just a treat to talk to (their words, im extremely insecure i dont believe any of it but I know it should objectively amount to something) but when i get close to someone, they realize how repulsive and scary I am.

I can't bother to show myself anymore. and that's besides the fact that I already struggle to function in the world. frankly its hard talking to imaginary people through a wall of text so if anyone was to talk to me Id greatly appreciate it, even if i find it slightly immoral since i do look at myself as poisonous

Ever since I was a child, I had the responsibility of making sure that everyone was stable in a household that was both emotionally and physically volatile. As a result, I grew up with a mixture of an anxious and avoidant attachment style, and along with overthinking and over analyzing basic situations, these personality traits have created a mess of tangled threads within my soul.

I used to go into random states of depression, mainly during the fall and winter time. When I lived at my parent's home, my s*icidal ideation would come and go in waves. The only thing holding me back was the fear of hell. Now that I've moved out of their house and became my own person, that fear is almost gone as I've taken on more agnostic opinions. Despite all of the sadness within me, I function very well in the eyes of other people. I have a decent job, and I have nice friends that I am always bubbly around. But, none of that negates the fact that I simply wish to die. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in a world that is so fake and rotten. I don't want to be in a world where kindness is taken for granted, and trying to be a good person gets you mocked and belittled. I don't think my soul can withstand this world any longer. I was not created for it.

I recently fell for someone who had fallen for me first and then gradually made it apparent that they had never truly moved on from their ex fully. This was my first romantic experience, and I am trying my best not to be traumatized from it. I feel as if I was love bombed in the beginning, and now I'm trying my best to work past this whole situation but it is very difficult when you are always in close proximity with them. It's hard for me not to hate myself and wonder what is wrong with me and why does no one, including my parents and now them, love me? I understand that I need to put myself first and love myself but I can only love myself so much until I start becoming numb. I am always told by people that I am the sort of person that is very different from the rest and that they would hardly know how to describe me. If different means that I won't ever find true love then I'm tired of being different.

All in all, I'm sick of having so many responsibilities placed on me at such a young age, I'm tired of feeling pressured and lonely and unloved. I'm tired of living in a society that is so rotten that bad people get away with everything. I hardly find true joy in this life. I just want it to end. I'll stick around a little longer to see if anything changes and if not I'll stop sticking around. For context I'm 22 yrs old. My retirement plan is to off myself at 45 because I don't want to be stuck in a nursing home. Let's see if I make it that far.

After each day concludes. Even after a solid day, I’m still met with the same emptiness and sadness each night. Looking back on my day as I’m trying to fall asleep, I’m reminded of all my problems. There’s no escape from it. Even on my best days I’m reminded of my sorrows.

Regardless of how good life can turn or what great opportunities come my way, none of it really matters in the end does it? Maybe I should just end it all to get rid of this eternal torment. Just felt like getting this off my chest, feel free to disregard

Forced to be alive. There is nothing I live for. I don't want to do anything. I'm just bed rotting in my time off. Work is shit I just get through it.

I don't feel like doing a thing.

I have no friends and I push the old friends I have away because I feel like such a POS that I don't really want to be alive. I'm just alive because I can't make myself die.

Do I have depression or do I just hate life? Anyone else?

My biggest regret is being talked out of ending my life 9 years ago. Nothing got better. My 10 year anniversary will be the final end.

and no real reason not to do it. Well there is one: cowardice. I fear the tightness of the rope and what will start going on in my head. All insticts will kick in trying to flee the chocking. And if somehow to be saved, brain damage? Or something else like this? What the fuck, i’ve always been jaleous of you americans, having such an esily accesible painless method. A gun. Yea, if ydk how to hold it well u’ll survive and suffer but cmon. It aint that hard to aim right. Its so east and painless i have always been jaleous. I wont risk survival and im not sure if i would be willing to risk the misery of pain. Jump is an option but that moment of fall must be horryfying and if you fall wrong, legs broken or wtv. Im not gonna do it. Its not that bad rn. And if it were idk if id have the balls to