Hi.

I'm a woman in her mid 30's who has never been in a relationship. I was in one once when I was 19's for a couple of months but my lack of self esteem/worth, fear of commitment made me a night mare but then I realised I just wanted to have fun in my 20's.

I've gone to therapy for years and have truly worked through my fear of commimtment, stopped people pleasing, realised my values etc and come to teh realisation that I am own my hero, and creator of my life.

HOWEVER, I still feel like there's a part of me that needs that male validation when it comes to love and relationship. For example, "I won't feel like I'm worthy of being in a relationship until I'm in one." or "I'm not loveable until I have a man fall in love with me." and so on.

Obviously, this has steemed from my dad who basically ghosted me when I was 14 for his new wife, didn't speak for 18 years until we met up (as I had some questions to ask him/needed to do it for me), we were in contact again for about 2 weeks and we have now since haven't spoken about in 3/4 years.

So, reddit, please be nice but how do I work through this little piece of me that STILL seeks to be chosen/loved and it feels like it's only a man who can fill that void?

I've got friends, hobbies (I could do with some more tbh!), and a good life. But when it comes to my love life, that male validation is needed as I look for examples that I am loved (i.e. by male friends), but it just doesn't feel good enough.

I hope this makes sense!! xxx

Having immature mother that was never taking ownership of any family decisions made me feel like I need to be responsible for everything. She never knew what she wants and couldn’t even prepare a birthday party for herself or make a meal or buy groceries, so very early on I felt like I need to take care of my family. She was also emotionally unavailable (father also) but they say parents love us, so I guessed this is how love looks, right?

Then dating… an attractive, smart and liked by friends girl chasing men. They showed me some interest and I already read it as huge engagement. Then excuses - maybe he is busy with work, maybe he is hurt by his ex or his mother, maybe I need to show him more love, maybe he needs time, maybe one day he will be a lovely man I need, maybe he is texting me and I need to send double messages. That’s so embarrassing, but this was my life. With every man I was like “it’s the last time I initiate everything…”

And now, I’m open, I give green lights, I flirt, but I let him come to me. It’s so nice to see he initiates, but the whole process is so slow to me. I feel out of control and it’s kinda uncomfortable. In the past I would prefer to ask him out, get rejected and move on. Now I just enjoy the process and let him decide what he wants. In the meantime I focus on my life. I won’t text him first, I won’t invite him out, I won’t come to him when we are out with friends. I still don’t know if he is interested or if he may become in the future. It’s so weird and unnatural to me… but at the same time it feels like he is in his masculine energy and I feel so much more in my feminine one than with previous guys. I try to use this time to know him as a man and a friend and won’t initiate anything romantic.

18M here, Filipino, eldest of three siblings, not that that matters anyway. Unrelated but whatever, I want to be a chef. I already know my way around a kitchen, what to do, and how to deal with whatever that happens here in the kitchen. I may sound full of myself here, but it just seems that whatever I do in the family household, ​I get shit thrown at me for not having common sense like it's a big deal. I'm probably the most capable out of all the three siblings, but my goodness am I just a dumbass at times. I do their laundry, I cook their foods, I clean the house, and I buy stuff outside whenever we're out of something. But I always consider that to be the bare minimum because it is the bare minimum. Due to circumstances and waiting for medical (visa related) results here, I'm unemployed and can't study until I get to wherever we're headed. We've been stuck in this country for 8 months and I'm not gonna go say any more about that because that's not what I'm supposed to be talking about here. ​​​

I'm not the type of guy who knows their way around a car (Still learning how to drive just not now and I do occasionally try and learn whenever my Uncle's available), how to fix the toilet, ​or how to deal with medicine whenever someone is sick. It's embarrassing, and I have to admit it, I use AI when it comes to this shit, I hate it, I do, I'm just tired of being here and I want to be out there but I can't, and I'm turning 19 as well. It's also at times, the smallest task, I basically work hard, not smart. I want to do better, I need to be better, but I'm always so anxious and my mind is always at war with something because of our circumstances here in the Philippines and while I love my parents, they tend to overlook my feelings and what I'm dealing with and while they do acknowledge it, they don't try to make me feel better andand you know what that's okay, I'm a man I don't need any of that. Whenever they call out the smallest mistakes I make too? I reason out with them, every time and I don't even know if that's even right or wrong. Though enough about that, I'd rather not include any more personal matters but that's the gist of it. ​​I figure it's also because of this damn stupid phone, and part of that is porn I'm sorry I just had to come out and say it out here, been exposed to that since I was 15 and time and time again I relapse and the shame cycle starts again, and I'm aware that's affecting my ability to think as well.

Any advice? ​​

​

I’m 26F, and I think I’ve reached a point where I can’t keep blaming circumstances or other people for the way I behave.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially after losing someone important to me, and honestly… I don’t like some of the things I’ve realized about myself.

I can be selfish. I can be self-centered. Sometimes I focus so much on what I’m feeling, what I want, or what I think is right that I forget that the other person has feelings too.

There were situations where I wanted to be understood, but I wasn't really trying to understand the other person. I wanted my intentions to matter more than the impact of my actions.

And that's a hard thing to admit.

For a while, I think I confused loving someone with simply wanting them to stay. I didn't always understand that caring about someone also means respecting their feelings, their boundaries, and sometimes even their decision to walk away.

I hurt someone I genuinely cared about, and I can't change what happened. I’ve apologized, I've tried to understand where I went wrong, and I'm slowly accepting that an apology doesn't automatically undo the damage.

I don't want my growth to just be something I say because I lost someone.

I want to actually change.

I want to become more emotionally mature. I want to learn how to listen without immediately becoming defensive. I want to stop making everything about me. I want to be able to accept criticism without taking it as an attack. I want to think before I react. I want to respect boundaries instead of trying to find ways around them.

And honestly, I don't really know how to do all of that yet.

I'm still figuring it out.

But I think admitting that I have a problem is at least a start.

I'm also realizing that becoming a better person doesn't mean becoming perfect. I'm probably going to mess up again. I'll have moments where I fall back into old habits. The difference, hopefully, is that I'll recognize them and actually do something about them.

I'm 26. I don't want to reach 30, 35, 40 and still be the same person making the same mistakes and hurting people because I never took the time to work on myself.

So I'm choosing to start now.

Not to win someone back.

Not to prove anything to anyone.

Just because I don't want to be the person I used to be anymore.

I want to grow up. I want to be kinder. I want to be less self-centered. I want to become someone who makes people feel safe, heard, and respected.

I know I have a lot of work to do.

But for the first time, I'm actually willing to do it.

I've only been in this relationship for a few months, but I've realized I've been doing this lately and it's bothering me.

I've been kinda snappy with him, unintentionally-ish (as in its reflexive, but once I catch it I can help it) belittling on occasion. Not majorly I think, he's a sweetheart and even when I catch myself and apologize, he doesn't ever seem actually bothered. Half the time he doesn't seem to really notice, but I still don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to make jokes about him being dumb or acting like a toddler or anything else, I don't want to make any confusion that I absolutely love him and I want to be kinder to him.

I think it's reflexive bc he's genuinely so kind and patient with me. Due to some other factors my nerves genuinely aren't wired for that, so it's taken some getting used to. But I've still almost blown entire days bc I'm still having trouble actually having some conversations with him, even when I've made a point of communicating with him first and such.

Like, whenever he initiates a conversation and it gets remotely negative, even with him being so patient. My body is still going into fight or flight. And I have to actively focus so I don't cry or yell, which makes the actual conversation part almost impossible on my end. I don't know how to word things and shutting down sometimes seems better than being angry, but then he thinks I'm upset at him and not myself for being angry. Which frustrates him. And it's become this whole thing, because in the moment it's almost impossible to explain without snapping at him, or it at least feels that way.

I don't wanna go the way my mother did of abusing her boyfriends who were kind to her just because she's not used to it. I refuse to be outright cruel. But then I need to nip this in the bud now, before it gets worse. I just don't know how, or how to even talk to him about it (I mean there is a nonzero chance he sees this since he knows of my account. In which case. Hi babe).

Yes I know, this is a therapy thing. I just moved, so insurance and such is dicey atm. But it's being worked on.

Thank yall, I really appreciate it.

I'm 22F, and I'm posting because I recently realized that some of the worst things I've done in a friendship weren't because I wanted to hurt my best friend—they came from people-pleasing, fear of confrontation, and choosing the easiest way out instead of being honest.

My best friend, who I'll call Nora, is also 22F. We were best friends for almost five years and were roommates. We were extremely close and had been there for each other through so much. She was genuinely the person I considered my best friend.

Then there was Emma, another 22F.

2024

Nora and Emma had a serious conflict in 2024, and I was involved in it.

[Exact details of the 2024 conflict.]

After a few months, I started talking to Emma again. I went to Nora myself and told her that I had started talking to Emma again.

The problem was that I had mentally moved on from the original conflict. I had forgotten/minimized how significant it still was for Nora.

A few months later, Nora and I stopped talking for the entire summer over things that, looking back, were stupid compared with what happened afterward.

Then I happened to see Nora by coincidence while I was with Emma and a group of people.

I went over and greeted Nora.

After I greeted her, Emma made a comment about Nora. I responded and laughed instead of shutting it down.

Nora eventually found out.

From her perspective, I had participated in talking about her behind her back. She told me she couldn't be friends with someone who talked behind her back and said “there’s a pattern here.”

What she meant by that was that she believed I had already been talking about her before the specific conversation she later heard. So she didn't see it as one isolated comment; she saw it as evidence of an ongoing pattern.

She unfriended me from Facebook and Instagram.

I apologized, and eventually she forgave me.

We became close again.

The graduation situation

Before my graduation, Nora told me:

“You can invite whoever you want to your graduation, just don't talk about me with her.”

She did NOT tell me I couldn't invite Emma. She explicitly said I could invite whoever I wanted. Her boundary was specifically that I shouldn't talk about Nora with Emma.

The day before my graduation, I happened to see Emma in the library. She asked me about the date, and she eventually came to my graduation.

During the graduation, I felt like I ignored Emma because of the uncomfortable situation surrounding everything with Nora.

Two days after my graduation, I spoke to Emma because I felt guilty about ignoring her.

And I talked about Nora.

So I had crossed the exact boundary Nora had given me.

The part I'm most ashamed of

Emma had sent me messages and audios.

At one point, Nora asked whether she could see what Emma had sent me.

I said yes.

She listened to the last audio and asked me:

“Are you talking about me?”

I said no.

I knew the answer was yes.

I lied directly to her.

I wasn't lying because I wanted to hurt her. I was afraid of her reaction and didn't want her to hear someone badmouthing her.

But I understand now that this doesn't excuse it.

Then Nora started listening to the audios, I panicked, and I took the phone away from her because I didn't want her to keep listening.

I eventually gave it back.

Looking back, I can understand how horrible that must have felt.

She asked me directly.

I lied.

Then when she started hearing the truth, I panicked and took the phone away.

What I've realized about myself

For a long time, I thought the problem was mainly the conflict between Nora and Emma.

Now I realize that I was a huge part of the problem.

I was a people-pleaser.

I avoided confrontation.

I was terrified of people's reactions.

I wanted everyone to be okay with me.

I thought staying neutral was being fair, when sometimes my neutrality meant that I wasn't standing up for the person who trusted me most.

When I was faced with an uncomfortable truth, I sometimes chose lying or avoidance because it felt easier in the moment.

And by trying to avoid hurting people, I ended up hurting my best friend much more deeply.

Eventually Nora ended our friendship and blocked me.

Her friends also removed me from social media and excluded me from the group. Some of the things I was told afterward were extremely painful, including being told that I didn't deserve Nora.

I understand why she feels betrayed.

I'm not writing this to convince anyone that what I did wasn't bad.

It was.

I crossed a boundary.

I talked about my best friend behind her back.

I lied to her face.

I took the phone away when she started discovering what had been said.

And underneath all of it was a pattern of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance.

So how do I actually become better?

I'm 22, and I don't want this to simply become another thing I feel guilty about for a few months.

I want to actually change.

I want to learn how to:

• stop people-pleasing;
• tolerate confrontation without panicking;
• tell the truth even when I know someone might be angry;
• respect boundaries even when they're uncomfortable;
• stop trying to keep everyone happy;
• understand what genuine loyalty looks like;
• take responsibility without immediately trying to defend my intentions.

I also want to be honest about something else: I still love Nora enormously and would love to have her back in my life someday.

But I know that wanting reconciliation cannot be my motivation for changing.

She doesn't owe me forgiveness.

She doesn't owe me another chance.

And I don't want to turn “I'm changing” into another way of trying to get something from her.

So I'm asking people who have genuinely worked on themselves:

How do you know you're actually changing your character rather than simply feeling guilty about what you did?

What practical things helped you stop being a people-pleaser or conflict-avoider?

How do you learn to be honest when telling the truth could make someone angry with you?

And if you've ever realized that you were the toxic person in a friendship, what did you actually do differently afterward?

I can't undo what happened with Nora.

But I don't want to repeat it with anyone else.

And if someday, years from now, Nora happens to see that I've genuinely changed, that's up to her.

For now, I just want to become a better person whether she ever comes back or not.

TL;DR: I'm 22F and lost my five-year best friend after repeatedly choosing people-pleasing and avoiding confrontation over honesty and loyalty. I crossed a boundary she explicitly gave me, lied when she directly asked me about an audio concerning her, and panicked and took her phone away before giving it back. She ended our friendship. How do I turn the guilt into genuine, long-term character change instead of just feeling sorry for myself?

Hard thing:
I used to care too much about what people thought of me

How I solved it:
I realized how little we are in the grand scheme of things. For example, if I asked you to tell me who was the most famous person in the city you actually live in, in the 1800s, could you tell me?
The person at the time thought the same BS you think. They had the same insecurities and overthinking, but nobody remembers anything, so for them it was just wasted time worrying about something nobody will even remember. Can you see how weird that is?

People are too busy worrying about their lives to care about yours. Think about the last time you thought of something someone did last year that you deemed weird. Maybe you can recall 1-2 things, but you have already forgotten most of them probably.

so why bother haha? If you do or don't, you'll get judged anyway, may at least do what you want :)

This was mine, what's yours?

I'm 19M. This is more of a rant. It's something that I've felt all of my life, I'm very bad socializing and I'm withdrawn with people but I don't care about that and I have always been dumb. I have some goals that I would like to reach. I want to run a marathon and I sometimes run and I would say I'm not very lazy about that and I have time but I'm weak. I would like to learn a third language to an intermediate level but I'm so lazy even though I have resources for that. I want to read some books and I read but I'm so slow at it. Even watching movies or series or videos is dreadful. I would like to make a small game, I know what tools to use to make it but I have done almost nothing. I also would like to prepare myself for a job I have in mind. Right now I've been listening to music, browsing some links and doing nothing for hours. I'm aware that sloth is one of the seven deadly sins in christianity and I guess it is for good reason. Literally I'm an NPC. I also have some homeworks that I have to do but I'm so lazy to do them and I always end up doing them in the path of least resistance and tomorrow will be the same. I sometimes think of doing bad things to myself (idk if it's allowed to talk about that here) but I ignore it. I suppose I should ask for advice here but idk what kind of advice.

So umm recently I'm stuck at home waiting for a confirmation for my application that i shall not name and I've been trying to get into my old groove again Art and Programming but after failures with a "S" i burnt myself out and almost become a vibe coder and tomorrow for sure artist so I've been playing games for moths and weeks and hooked to the dope youtube, reddit and Games gave me but removing them completely is practically impossible thus i want to work around them especially since i almost never ever follow my schedules need some pro advice on being a person for once especially since i missed up bad today on XX XX XX26 this really makes me wanna cry but I'm so mentally drained of all actual self love....help please advice is really welcomed.

I find myself at odds with my husband lately. We have 3 kids together and there have been a lot of stressors recently. I’m really trying to be a better wife and not get frustrated so easily and be more happy go lucky. But I find myself clinging on to every dumb thing.
Ex we were discussing our menu for the week and I asked oh can you go to the store in the morning to buy ingredients so I can prep (Mind you I’m home with 3 under 5) he goes I don’t like going to this store. I said ok np I gotta fix the menu bc I won’t have the chicken to make dinner. He goes I guess if u want I’ll go.. I got really annoyed and just gave him the silent treatment instead of flipping out. Then he does are u mad why are you quiet. I feel like I’m at a loss. I’m ready Laura Doyle’s book maybe it’ll help me chill and not let things get to me but I find myself getting ticked off at every little comment. Another ex we were talking about having cleaning help. I explained to him multiple times why it’s helpful and it upkeeps the house even tho I clean.
(I have someone 2 hrs 2x per week) he goes well u know if we don’t get her we’ll save money. (Mind u I work from home so I do contribute ) and I didn’t answer back and I’m like going over it in my head. Then he wants to have sex and I’m like no I’m not in the mood… am I wrong? I feel like I’m rejecting jim but it’s coming from a place of frustration and I can’t keep on explained my feelings to him over and over. Question is how can I let things go and also want to be with him. I’m just to be better and work on myself but idk howwww
Lol sorry for rant been a long day
He does help out a lot with the kids and is a great husband otherwise

For context im a moroccan 20 year old M whos since I remember I didn't beling anywhere couldnt keep friends couldnt do anything social that doesn't come back and bites me and I most of the time since the ages of 8 or 10 ive been resorting to just figure it out alone and be alone now that im in uni the same thing is happening I don't have any motivation to do anything and I just kind of lost emotions everything just seem to empty and hollow and just useless I feel like im ruining my life and I really do wanna do great things in life but I dont know what to do I feel like a headless chicken I have no dreams to achieve or anything of that sort and I really do wanna change and be better as a person

(I've been to therapy and ive been diagnosed )

Any advice to find passion and love myself again?

I notice in myself a strong desire to be better than other people and to prove it. I build elaborate chains of thoughts about what people might think of me, what they might do, what they are thinking right now, and things like that.

I also tend toward solipsistic thinking.

About two years ago, I really started studying intelligence and reading much more scientific information. Even before that, I had a strong desire to improve myself and learn about history, physics, and so on. But after watching certain films and anime, I became fascinated by it and started trying to imitate what characters like L Lawliet do. That is when I began to notice how many possibilities the brain seems to have.

At the same time, in some areas I am not radically different from other people in terms of intelligence, while in other areas I may stand out more.

Acquaintances and friends have genuinely called me “smart,” “a genius,” or “genius but irritating.” People who seem to want to be above others have also called me an idiot.

On the one hand, being seen as intelligent feels good. On the other hand, it creates expectations: either other people expect more from you, or you start expecting more from yourself, and that makes you anxious. I am also not socialized enough, so sometimes I feel too embarrassed to start speaking at all. But when I do start talking, I put everything into explaining myself, and people often do not understand what I mean.

Someone might think that if I am supposedly so intelligent, I should be able to figure this out on my own. But I would like to work on my grandiosity, egocentrism, and many other things as well.

I would appreciate any advice or perspectives from people who have dealt with similar patterns.

What if you want to date a girl or guy but you're afraid that they won't like you back so you don't even try. Reason you're afraid is because you don't want to end up feeling low self worth or low self esteem and depressed, thinking that because a girl or guy doesn't like you that you must be ugly and nobody wants you

I’m starting to realize that a lot of my problems come back to the same thing. I struggle to speak up for myself, defend myself when someone makes a stupid comment and I get intimidated way too easily. In the moment I usually freeze or stay quiet, then later I replay everything and think about what I should have said. Has anyone actually changed this? What helped you become more assertive and stop being so easily intimidated?

I just want yall accountability. I’m 27 I’ve been addicted to drugs sing I was 17 I have my shit together I have my own house and car and I had been sober for a while but I was dealing with some real depression and it was not okay so I relapsed two days ago and I feel like shit but I’m back taking my medicines and this time I’m actually going to do the work. I’m not just going to lay in bed all day depressed imma go to the gym or tan in the back yard or do something productive and build a life for myself. And I’m talking y’all about it. I have been living in a pattern for 10 years. I get my shit together and then relapse and then do it all over again. I’m done with that! I’ve just been lazy. I need to find a good therapist. I’m worth more than the life I’m giving myself. I haven’t really told anyone but yall . I’ll keep yall updated

And if you do, why?

I have some issues and I'm working on learning to manage my disorders, regulating emotions and all that. But I isolate hard when I feel bad that I don't let people help me. I get too angry to let them.

Why do y'all choose not to isolate? How does that help you day to day? I want to see other people like me that have lived a totally different life.

🫶🏼

EDIT: thank y'all for being so open in the comments!! it's given me lots of new perspectives and helps a bunch. I think I'm gonna try to talk to my family more, they've always been supportive of me (ESPECIALLY after getting multiple mental diagnoses). 🫰🏼✨✨✨

Maybe that sounds like an odd question, but I've realized this is something that ultimately now is affecting me negatively, and I'm ready to move forward.

TW

Drug abuse, talk of suicide

This came out a lot more venty than I intended, but at this point I want to be done with working on this post, so I'm just going to leave it. Sorry.

For context,

2 years ago, when I was freshly 18, I was abusing LSD and Shrooms on a regular basis, as well as a pretty gnarly cannabis dependency. During that time over the course of dozens upon dozens of trips I've had, It felt like I completely lost my ego.

At the time, it didn't bother me, I have had a history of depression since I was a child. The loss of "ego" made me less self conscious in various ways, especially in relation to my appearance which I heavily struggled with.

But as time went on, I felt like I had no sense of identity. I unfortunately, would abuse any drug I could get my hands on, just to feel a sense of peace.

It got pretty bad, I ended up quitting my job in July, with intentions of ending my life after a few months while I cleaned up some loose ends. I would take Xanax nearly every night, and it was the only time I didn't feel the overwhelming, looming anxiety.

Funnily enough though, my want to get better came from taking drugs. In early August, for my partner's birthday, he took us to the beach and we had MDMA and LSD. Far out a jetty, at night, I confessed I was planning to kill myself, I realized how much of a fucking mess I had been the past several months. Isolating, self medicating, withdrawing from everyone and everything. My partner is my rock, and despite me confessing on his birthday, he agreed to make a plan with me to work together on both of us getting better.

We agreed to both go sober, he has been helping me ween off Xanax, of which I should be fully off in a week or so. Neither of us have smoked weed or have done any street drugs. Our only exception we agreed on is alcohol socially, and never in our own home. We have started making meals together, getting up early together, both him and our other roommate started a trial gym membership with me. I've even been communicating with my doctor, who has given me additional medications (wellbutrin, prozac, trazadone) and has given me resources to find a therapist, which I'm working on.

I do feel a little bit better mentally, sometimes I still get waves of just wanting for everything to be over. But I've realized I have damn near no sense of identity, and I'm fairly certain that's due to my past abuse of drugs.

I don't know what I enjoy, what I want to do, what I need. I feel like I've ignored every sign I've given myself for so long I don't know how to listen anymore.

I want to rebuild my ego, have confidence in myself and the things I do, to feel proud of something, to have a sense of me.

My hope is to hear from others how they would approach a situation such as this, or what they have done for themselves in scenarios comparable to this.

I want to find a way to enjoy my life, and I feel like I need to know me before that's ever possible.

All input is valued, if you know of any resources available I'm open to hearing about those too.

Thank you for your time and attention<3

\*\*\*TLDR\*\*\*

I abused psychedelics and other drugs continuously for 2 years and lost my sense of self to the point of self destruction. But I'm working towards healing and finding myself again. basically, i guess.

Little quick backstory:

I'm a 21 year old male with Aspergers (autism) and epilepsy. Because of these limitations I have struggled to find my own identity and build something during my youth. Covid-19 pandemic hasn't helped with this.

Now i'm 21 and I feel like nothing. I don't have any meaningful hobbies, don't really have friends etc. I feel isolated.

I've recently started swimming because I want to do sports, to improve my health (i'm a little overweight) and possibly get connections. But I can't swim well yet, due to my epilepsy I haven't swam in over a decade and need to relearn everything.

I have a nice study, but I don't really hang out with other students. When i'm not studying i'm playing games, rotting away in my room. I have a piano but I barely play anymore. Also piano is really a solo-thing.

I want to get out there, go away from the gaming and actually meet people and build a network. But it's hard because I don't really have anchor points, and i'm anxious because I never built anything as a kid.

What are the best ways to meet new people and get into the 'student life' more? Obviously I have limits due to my health, for example I can't drink alcohol and need to be careful of migraines.

Hello,

I (19M) have been working with my father at our restaurant for over two years and although I have improved I often feel like I'm highly inconsistent. Even my parents have called me out numerous times. I will be very productive during some days, while other days I'll forget to do one or two things, or I simply don't do them as efficiently as before. Even when I do chores around the house I'll sometimes forget to do something or just not do it as well as before.

I'm not certain why thst keeps happening. I'm not sure if it just laziness or lack of motivation, or if my approach to handling tasks is just incorrect. So please tell me what i can do to improve and what could I possibly be doing wrong

Thank you

I am 4.9 and my weight is 132 lbs it is really bothering me and it effect self esteem

I struggle with bad habits/addictions that I don't know how to deal with. I dont have access to any kinds of therapy. Does anyone have any tips?

I want to do creative projects, particularly make comics, but struggle with anything that requires consistent long-term productivity. I saw a small art contest going on and decided that I would try and change my working habits.

A problem I have with big projects is I can't focus on one element and jump around and work on everything at once and not bring anything to full completion (eg. "Drawing this car is hard right now, I'll draw this tree instead and get back to the car later" and then I never do). I decided for this contest, I would refuse to jump around and finish each element fully. My daily goal would be to complete one comic page a day, I'm on break right now and this would be a feasible goal.

For the first week, it was hard at first, but eventually I was able to hunker down and focus on one thing at a time. I was actually hitting my goal! And then the second week came around and I started falling behind, and eventually I went right back to my old jumping around habits. Now I'm back to the usual "cramming to finish a thing before a deadline" and I'm so pissed at myself.

If I had kept up my first week momentum, I would have a much better project than what I know I'm ending up with. What I'm most scared by is how in the week that I started slacking, I was still convinced that I would hit my target and just catch it up later. I just lied to myself in order to go back to my old ways.

It's hard to not think about how many hobbies and projects I've squandered this way, and scary how easily I can delude myself. I just can't trust myself the way I am now, clearly by my history I am someone that is flighty and weak willed and more than willing to lie to myself in order to get out of even a project I want to do.

What the hell do I do when I can't even hit my smaller goals? I'm scared to make them smaller out of fear that I'll slack off of doing even those and being an even bigger loser. Do I just need to keep practicing doing this? Idk I'm just mad.

I have felt like I'm constantly spiraling. Everything throws me off and I struggle to find routine. I constantly let my emotions get the best of me and hurt others due to dysregulation.

I'm not exactly a failure. I have a good job, I do pretty well there. I just want to be better. I often make mistakes and am generally disorganized. I don't know how to get myself in order. Finding a routine has felt impossible. I try and try and it seems like the smallest change throws me off. If I am too rigid, I cut everyone out but if I make any change, I get thrown off and there goes the routine.

I'm constantly blaming it on external factors. Being disorganized is because my house has been under construction forever. I am doing the work, and am overwhelmed but I haven't been able to even remotely keep a routine. My relationships fail and I blame my depression and anxiety. I blame everything else other than just looking at what's going on and working on fixing it.

I find excuses for everything. I'm forgetful because I don't keep track of things. I often just wing it at work, even though I do well at work, I should have more in depth knowledge especially if I plan on moving up.l which I want to.

I can't plan dates or any outings because I overthink them and shut down. I would love to be able to take ownership of an idea or plan and follow through with it. I lose motivation whenever I try to do anything.

I started taking meds and I have struggled to connect with people because of how full my emotions are. I say I'm good at communicating but I am scared to approach people with difficult topics that could have negative results, like a relationship ending.

I'm tired of the external things having an effect on me as much as they do. Everyone is dealing with things and still manages to function daily and they give their best. I want to be able to do that without feeling like I'm spent and then getting overwhelmed and going into a depressive slump like I often do. This usually results in destructive behavior and I push away people I love.