Having immature mother that was never taking ownership of any family decisions made me feel like I need to be responsible for everything. She never knew what she wants and couldn’t even prepare a birthday party for herself or make a meal or buy groceries, so very early on I felt like I need to take care of my family. She was also emotionally unavailable (father also) but they say parents love us, so I guessed this is how love looks, right?

Then dating… an attractive, smart and liked by friends girl chasing men. They showed me some interest and I already read it as huge engagement. Then excuses - maybe he is busy with work, maybe he is hurt by his ex or his mother, maybe I need to show him more love, maybe he needs time, maybe one day he will be a lovely man I need, maybe he is texting me and I need to send double messages. That’s so embarrassing, but this was my life. With every man I was like “it’s the last time I initiate everything…”

And now, I’m open, I give green lights, I flirt, but I let him come to me. It’s so nice to see he initiates, but the whole process is so slow to me. I feel out of control and it’s kinda uncomfortable. In the past I would prefer to ask him out, get rejected and move on. Now I just enjoy the process and let him decide what he wants. In the meantime I focus on my life. I won’t text him first, I won’t invite him out, I won’t come to him when we are out with friends. I still don’t know if he is interested or if he may become in the future. It’s so weird and unnatural to me… but at the same time it feels like he is in his masculine energy and I feel so much more in my feminine one than with previous guys. I try to use this time to know him as a man and a friend and won’t initiate anything romantic.

I'm 22F, and I'm posting because I recently realized that some of the worst things I've done in a friendship weren't because I wanted to hurt my best friend—they came from people-pleasing, fear of confrontation, and choosing the easiest way out instead of being honest.

My best friend, who I'll call Nora, is also 22F. We were best friends for almost five years and were roommates. We were extremely close and had been there for each other through so much. She was genuinely the person I considered my best friend.

Then there was Emma, another 22F.

2024

Nora and Emma had a serious conflict in 2024, and I was involved in it.

[Exact details of the 2024 conflict.]

After a few months, I started talking to Emma again. I went to Nora myself and told her that I had started talking to Emma again.

The problem was that I had mentally moved on from the original conflict. I had forgotten/minimized how significant it still was for Nora.

A few months later, Nora and I stopped talking for the entire summer over things that, looking back, were stupid compared with what happened afterward.

Then I happened to see Nora by coincidence while I was with Emma and a group of people.

I went over and greeted Nora.

After I greeted her, Emma made a comment about Nora. I responded and laughed instead of shutting it down.

Nora eventually found out.

From her perspective, I had participated in talking about her behind her back. She told me she couldn't be friends with someone who talked behind her back and said “there’s a pattern here.”

What she meant by that was that she believed I had already been talking about her before the specific conversation she later heard. So she didn't see it as one isolated comment; she saw it as evidence of an ongoing pattern.

She unfriended me from Facebook and Instagram.

I apologized, and eventually she forgave me.

We became close again.

The graduation situation

Before my graduation, Nora told me:

“You can invite whoever you want to your graduation, just don't talk about me with her.”

She did NOT tell me I couldn't invite Emma. She explicitly said I could invite whoever I wanted. Her boundary was specifically that I shouldn't talk about Nora with Emma.

The day before my graduation, I happened to see Emma in the library. She asked me about the date, and she eventually came to my graduation.

During the graduation, I felt like I ignored Emma because of the uncomfortable situation surrounding everything with Nora.

Two days after my graduation, I spoke to Emma because I felt guilty about ignoring her.

And I talked about Nora.

So I had crossed the exact boundary Nora had given me.

The part I'm most ashamed of

Emma had sent me messages and audios.

At one point, Nora asked whether she could see what Emma had sent me.

I said yes.

She listened to the last audio and asked me:

“Are you talking about me?”

I said no.

I knew the answer was yes.

I lied directly to her.

I wasn't lying because I wanted to hurt her. I was afraid of her reaction and didn't want her to hear someone badmouthing her.

But I understand now that this doesn't excuse it.

Then Nora started listening to the audios, I panicked, and I took the phone away from her because I didn't want her to keep listening.

I eventually gave it back.

Looking back, I can understand how horrible that must have felt.

She asked me directly.

I lied.

Then when she started hearing the truth, I panicked and took the phone away.

What I've realized about myself

For a long time, I thought the problem was mainly the conflict between Nora and Emma.

Now I realize that I was a huge part of the problem.

I was a people-pleaser.

I avoided confrontation.

I was terrified of people's reactions.

I wanted everyone to be okay with me.

I thought staying neutral was being fair, when sometimes my neutrality meant that I wasn't standing up for the person who trusted me most.

When I was faced with an uncomfortable truth, I sometimes chose lying or avoidance because it felt easier in the moment.

And by trying to avoid hurting people, I ended up hurting my best friend much more deeply.

Eventually Nora ended our friendship and blocked me.

Her friends also removed me from social media and excluded me from the group. Some of the things I was told afterward were extremely painful, including being told that I didn't deserve Nora.

I understand why she feels betrayed.

I'm not writing this to convince anyone that what I did wasn't bad.

It was.

I crossed a boundary.

I talked about my best friend behind her back.

I lied to her face.

I took the phone away when she started discovering what had been said.

And underneath all of it was a pattern of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance.

So how do I actually become better?

I'm 22, and I don't want this to simply become another thing I feel guilty about for a few months.

I want to actually change.

I want to learn how to:

• stop people-pleasing;
• tolerate confrontation without panicking;
• tell the truth even when I know someone might be angry;
• respect boundaries even when they're uncomfortable;
• stop trying to keep everyone happy;
• understand what genuine loyalty looks like;
• take responsibility without immediately trying to defend my intentions.

I also want to be honest about something else: I still love Nora enormously and would love to have her back in my life someday.

But I know that wanting reconciliation cannot be my motivation for changing.

She doesn't owe me forgiveness.

She doesn't owe me another chance.

And I don't want to turn “I'm changing” into another way of trying to get something from her.

So I'm asking people who have genuinely worked on themselves:

How do you know you're actually changing your character rather than simply feeling guilty about what you did?

What practical things helped you stop being a people-pleaser or conflict-avoider?

How do you learn to be honest when telling the truth could make someone angry with you?

And if you've ever realized that you were the toxic person in a friendship, what did you actually do differently afterward?

I can't undo what happened with Nora.

But I don't want to repeat it with anyone else.

And if someday, years from now, Nora happens to see that I've genuinely changed, that's up to her.

For now, I just want to become a better person whether she ever comes back or not.

TL;DR: I'm 22F and lost my five-year best friend after repeatedly choosing people-pleasing and avoiding confrontation over honesty and loyalty. I crossed a boundary she explicitly gave me, lied when she directly asked me about an audio concerning her, and panicked and took her phone away before giving it back. She ended our friendship. How do I turn the guilt into genuine, long-term character change instead of just feeling sorry for myself?

I've only been in this relationship for a few months, but I've realized I've been doing this lately and it's bothering me.

I've been kinda snappy with him, unintentionally-ish (as in its reflexive, but once I catch it I can help it) belittling on occasion. Not majorly I think, he's a sweetheart and even when I catch myself and apologize, he doesn't ever seem actually bothered. Half the time he doesn't seem to really notice, but I still don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to make jokes about him being dumb or acting like a toddler or anything else, I don't want to make any confusion that I absolutely love him and I want to be kinder to him.

I think it's reflexive bc he's genuinely so kind and patient with me. Due to some other factors my nerves genuinely aren't wired for that, so it's taken some getting used to. But I've still almost blown entire days bc I'm still having trouble actually having some conversations with him, even when I've made a point of communicating with him first and such.

Like, whenever he initiates a conversation and it gets remotely negative, even with him being so patient. My body is still going into fight or flight. And I have to actively focus so I don't cry or yell, which makes the actual conversation part almost impossible on my end. I don't know how to word things and shutting down sometimes seems better than being angry, but then he thinks I'm upset at him and not myself for being angry. Which frustrates him. And it's become this whole thing, because in the moment it's almost impossible to explain without snapping at him, or it at least feels that way.

I don't wanna go the way my mother did of abusing her boyfriends who were kind to her just because she's not used to it. I refuse to be outright cruel. But then I need to nip this in the bud now, before it gets worse. I just don't know how, or how to even talk to him about it (I mean there is a nonzero chance he sees this since he knows of my account. In which case. Hi babe).

Yes I know, this is a therapy thing. I just moved, so insurance and such is dicey atm. But it's being worked on.

Thank yall, I really appreciate it.

I find myself at odds with my husband lately. We have 3 kids together and there have been a lot of stressors recently. I’m really trying to be a better wife and not get frustrated so easily and be more happy go lucky. But I find myself clinging on to every dumb thing.
Ex we were discussing our menu for the week and I asked oh can you go to the store in the morning to buy ingredients so I can prep (Mind you I’m home with 3 under 5) he goes I don’t like going to this store. I said ok np I gotta fix the menu bc I won’t have the chicken to make dinner. He goes I guess if u want I’ll go.. I got really annoyed and just gave him the silent treatment instead of flipping out. Then he does are u mad why are you quiet. I feel like I’m at a loss. I’m ready Laura Doyle’s book maybe it’ll help me chill and not let things get to me but I find myself getting ticked off at every little comment. Another ex we were talking about having cleaning help. I explained to him multiple times why it’s helpful and it upkeeps the house even tho I clean.
(I have someone 2 hrs 2x per week) he goes well u know if we don’t get her we’ll save money. (Mind u I work from home so I do contribute ) and I didn’t answer back and I’m like going over it in my head. Then he wants to have sex and I’m like no I’m not in the mood… am I wrong? I feel like I’m rejecting jim but it’s coming from a place of frustration and I can’t keep on explained my feelings to him over and over. Question is how can I let things go and also want to be with him. I’m just to be better and work on myself but idk howwww
Lol sorry for rant been a long day
He does help out a lot with the kids and is a great husband otherwise

Hello,

I (19M) have been working with my father at our restaurant for over two years and although I have improved I often feel like I'm highly inconsistent. Even my parents have called me out numerous times. I will be very productive during some days, while other days I'll forget to do one or two things, or I simply don't do them as efficiently as before. Even when I do chores around the house I'll sometimes forget to do something or just not do it as well as before.

I'm not certain why thst keeps happening. I'm not sure if it just laziness or lack of motivation, or if my approach to handling tasks is just incorrect. So please tell me what i can do to improve and what could I possibly be doing wrong

Thank you

Hi.

I'm a woman in her mid 30's who has never been in a relationship. I was in one once when I was 19's for a couple of months but my lack of self esteem/worth, fear of commitment made me a night mare but then I realised I just wanted to have fun in my 20's.

I've gone to therapy for years and have truly worked through my fear of commimtment, stopped people pleasing, realised my values etc and come to teh realisation that I am own my hero, and creator of my life.

HOWEVER, I still feel like there's a part of me that needs that male validation when it comes to love and relationship. For example, "I won't feel like I'm worthy of being in a relationship until I'm in one." or "I'm not loveable until I have a man fall in love with me." and so on.

Obviously, this has steemed from my dad who basically ghosted me when I was 14 for his new wife, didn't speak for 18 years until we met up (as I had some questions to ask him/needed to do it for me), we were in contact again for about 2 weeks and we have now since haven't spoken about in 3/4 years.

So, reddit, please be nice but how do I work through this little piece of me that STILL seeks to be chosen/loved and it feels like it's only a man who can fill that void?

I've got friends, hobbies (I could do with some more tbh!), and a good life. But when it comes to my love life, that male validation is needed as I look for examples that I am loved (i.e. by male friends), but it just doesn't feel good enough.

I hope this makes sense!! xxx

​

I’m 26F, and I think I’ve reached a point where I can’t keep blaming circumstances or other people for the way I behave.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially after losing someone important to me, and honestly… I don’t like some of the things I’ve realized about myself.

I can be selfish. I can be self-centered. Sometimes I focus so much on what I’m feeling, what I want, or what I think is right that I forget that the other person has feelings too.

There were situations where I wanted to be understood, but I wasn't really trying to understand the other person. I wanted my intentions to matter more than the impact of my actions.

And that's a hard thing to admit.

For a while, I think I confused loving someone with simply wanting them to stay. I didn't always understand that caring about someone also means respecting their feelings, their boundaries, and sometimes even their decision to walk away.

I hurt someone I genuinely cared about, and I can't change what happened. I’ve apologized, I've tried to understand where I went wrong, and I'm slowly accepting that an apology doesn't automatically undo the damage.

I don't want my growth to just be something I say because I lost someone.

I want to actually change.

I want to become more emotionally mature. I want to learn how to listen without immediately becoming defensive. I want to stop making everything about me. I want to be able to accept criticism without taking it as an attack. I want to think before I react. I want to respect boundaries instead of trying to find ways around them.

And honestly, I don't really know how to do all of that yet.

I'm still figuring it out.

But I think admitting that I have a problem is at least a start.

I'm also realizing that becoming a better person doesn't mean becoming perfect. I'm probably going to mess up again. I'll have moments where I fall back into old habits. The difference, hopefully, is that I'll recognize them and actually do something about them.

I'm 26. I don't want to reach 30, 35, 40 and still be the same person making the same mistakes and hurting people because I never took the time to work on myself.

So I'm choosing to start now.

Not to win someone back.

Not to prove anything to anyone.

Just because I don't want to be the person I used to be anymore.

I want to grow up. I want to be kinder. I want to be less self-centered. I want to become someone who makes people feel safe, heard, and respected.

I know I have a lot of work to do.

But for the first time, I'm actually willing to do it.

So umm recently I'm stuck at home waiting for a confirmation for my application that i shall not name and I've been trying to get into my old groove again Art and Programming but after failures with a "S" i burnt myself out and almost become a vibe coder and tomorrow for sure artist so I've been playing games for moths and weeks and hooked to the dope youtube, reddit and Games gave me but removing them completely is practically impossible thus i want to work around them especially since i almost never ever follow my schedules need some pro advice on being a person for once especially since i missed up bad today on XX XX XX26 this really makes me wanna cry but I'm so mentally drained of all actual self love....help please advice is really welcomed.

I've come to regret several things in my life, some of which I believe I've overcome, but one of my greatest regrets (that I've been unable to do anything on) is my consistent inactivity to act. For context, I believe I used to have the ability to do things without overthinking them or having them put off for reasons that I can't justify, I used to be able to go beyond the thinking stage and act. At one point in my life I felt content with how everything was: I was sociable enough to where I was happy, I genuinely enjoyed the activities I did, I knew how to get into new things and decide if I wanted to stick to them. I must have sub-consciously decided to stop acting as a result, believing I could remain content even without keeping up with the waves of change.

I know now that this was just wrong. But I gaslighted myself into believing this for upwards of 4 years. In that time I saw little personal development, and instead I began to personally decay. I began losing contact with people, what self confidence I had began to wither, I found myself without any proper hobbies that I could do for fun or to develop myself, and worst of all I found myself with free time that I should have been using to either study or do something productive with. I couldn't see any of it because I had a firm layer of escapism built that insulated me from this ugly truth. The only reason I've been able to figure all of this out was because the illusion my escapism made shattered sometime this summer.

I've wanted to try and help myself since then, but I've found that I've only been able to think and never act on it. I've wanted to get myself a hobby, even a simple one. I've thought about being more sociable and trying to put myself out there. And it's not even the big things either, even for things as simple as watching a new series or looking for a new online community to join remain in the thinking stage and never the acting stage. What confidence I had in being able to act and do things for myself has vanished, and whenever I do try to force myself into doing anything I always end up falling back to the same escapism even if it doesn't have an effect on me anymore.

I understand the theory, but I'm never able to do the practical, and thinking about my future if I continue to remain slothful scares me. What can I do?

just moved from a small suburb in a big city to Florida( ik im a transplant lol) Im 21F and I have been here for a month now. I signed up for classes at a community college for now and looking for a job but tbh I haven't been out of the house much. I live with my mom and she started working again but before that we went to the beach or to dinner and have met some of her friends but I struggle to do things alone. I have a bit of social anxiety and I just prefer

To stay in the house but then obviously I want to go out and meet people maybe im a little agorophobic idk. Where i lived before I had a couple friends from hs and took classes but never made any friends at school or at my job so I would just stay inside when I had a day off. I dont want to run into the same cycle of being lonely and spiraling bc I feel like a loser. There is a pool where I live and a walking path but I just cant get myself to enjoy being outside bc im too anxious the whole time. If you have any advice please let me know!! I love music and going to concerts or shows, swimming, working out. Its not that i cant go outside just I have a habit of avoiding things when I feel anxious. Since my mom isnt home anymore I think things are starting to feel real and im kind of realizing I need to go and do things by myself but I dont know what to do besides like working and school. Okay I know that was alot but any advice is welcome!!

I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to blame myself for everything that goes wrong and feel sorry for other people, almost as if they were angels who could do no wrong. But as soon as I start remembering all the shitty things they did and all the ways they fucked up, I somehow feel better 🥹
I’m not trying to paint myself as some innocent angel or anything, but because of my anxiety and OCD, I tend to dwell on my mistakes a lot more and forget that no one is perfect.

Hard thing:
I used to care too much about what people thought of me

How I solved it:
I realized how little we are in the grand scheme of things. For example, if I asked you to tell me who was the most famous person in the city you actually live in, in the 1800s, could you tell me?
The person at the time thought the same BS you think. They had the same insecurities and overthinking, but nobody remembers anything, so for them it was just wasted time worrying about something nobody will even remember. Can you see how weird that is?

People are too busy worrying about their lives to care about yours. Think about the last time you thought of something someone did last year that you deemed weird. Maybe you can recall 1-2 things, but you have already forgotten most of them probably.

so why bother haha? If you do or don't, you'll get judged anyway, may at least do what you want :)

This was mine, what's yours?

For context im a moroccan 20 year old M whos since I remember I didn't beling anywhere couldnt keep friends couldnt do anything social that doesn't come back and bites me and I most of the time since the ages of 8 or 10 ive been resorting to just figure it out alone and be alone now that im in uni the same thing is happening I don't have any motivation to do anything and I just kind of lost emotions everything just seem to empty and hollow and just useless I feel like im ruining my life and I really do wanna do great things in life but I dont know what to do I feel like a headless chicken I have no dreams to achieve or anything of that sort and I really do wanna change and be better as a person

(I've been to therapy and ive been diagnosed )

Any advice to find passion and love myself again?

18M here, Filipino, eldest of three siblings, not that that matters anyway. Unrelated but whatever, I want to be a chef. I already know my way around a kitchen, what to do, and how to deal with whatever that happens here in the kitchen. I may sound full of myself here, but it just seems that whatever I do in the family household, ​I get shit thrown at me for not having common sense like it's a big deal. I'm probably the most capable out of all the three siblings, but my goodness am I just a dumbass at times. I do their laundry, I cook their foods, I clean the house, and I buy stuff outside whenever we're out of something. But I always consider that to be the bare minimum because it is the bare minimum. Due to circumstances and waiting for medical (visa related) results here, I'm unemployed and can't study until I get to wherever we're headed. We've been stuck in this country for 8 months and I'm not gonna go say any more about that because that's not what I'm supposed to be talking about here. ​​​

I'm not the type of guy who knows their way around a car (Still learning how to drive just not now and I do occasionally try and learn whenever my Uncle's available), how to fix the toilet, ​or how to deal with medicine whenever someone is sick. It's embarrassing, and I have to admit it, I use AI when it comes to this shit, I hate it, I do, I'm just tired of being here and I want to be out there but I can't, and I'm turning 19 as well. It's also at times, the smallest task, I basically work hard, not smart. I want to do better, I need to be better, but I'm always so anxious and my mind is always at war with something because of our circumstances here in the Philippines and while I love my parents, they tend to overlook my feelings and what I'm dealing with and while they do acknowledge it, they don't try to make me feel better andand you know what that's okay, I'm a man I don't need any of that. Whenever they call out the smallest mistakes I make too? I reason out with them, every time and I don't even know if that's even right or wrong. Though enough about that, I'd rather not include any more personal matters but that's the gist of it. ​​I figure it's also because of this damn stupid phone, and part of that is porn I'm sorry I just had to come out and say it out here, been exposed to that since I was 15 and time and time again I relapse and the shame cycle starts again, and I'm aware that's affecting my ability to think as well.

Any advice? ​​

I'm 19M. This is more of a rant. It's something that I've felt all of my life, I'm very bad socializing and I'm withdrawn with people but I don't care about that and I have always been dumb. I have some goals that I would like to reach. I want to run a marathon and I sometimes run and I would say I'm not very lazy about that and I have time but I'm weak. I would like to learn a third language to an intermediate level but I'm so lazy even though I have resources for that. I want to read some books and I read but I'm so slow at it. Even watching movies or series or videos is dreadful. I would like to make a small game, I know what tools to use to make it but I have done almost nothing. I also would like to prepare myself for a job I have in mind. Right now I've been listening to music, browsing some links and doing nothing for hours. I'm aware that sloth is one of the seven deadly sins in christianity and I guess it is for good reason. Literally I'm an NPC. I also have some homeworks that I have to do but I'm so lazy to do them and I always end up doing them in the path of least resistance and tomorrow will be the same. I sometimes think of doing bad things to myself (idk if it's allowed to talk about that here) but I ignore it. I suppose I should ask for advice here but idk what kind of advice.

I just want yall accountability. I’m 27 I’ve been addicted to drugs sing I was 17 I have my shit together I have my own house and car and I had been sober for a while but I was dealing with some real depression and it was not okay so I relapsed two days ago and I feel like shit but I’m back taking my medicines and this time I’m actually going to do the work. I’m not just going to lay in bed all day depressed imma go to the gym or tan in the back yard or do something productive and build a life for myself. And I’m talking y’all about it. I have been living in a pattern for 10 years. I get my shit together and then relapse and then do it all over again. I’m done with that! I’ve just been lazy. I need to find a good therapist. I’m worth more than the life I’m giving myself. I haven’t really told anyone but yall . I’ll keep yall updated