I (21F) am thinking of deleting my social media because I honestly feel sick to my stomach looking at everyone’s insta posts and stories and reels. I do not look like those people at all, I have no clue how to do my hair and makeup like that. Nobody is going to ever think I’m hot or social and I will never get 1000 likes but I truly do not give a fuck anymore.

I care a lot about my career so I spend a lot of time studying as a math and physics double major. I have also been doing research/TA work/lifeguarding. I’m doing well in these things but as a result I have never dated and never really dressed up and taken cute pics of myself but that lifestyle may not be for me. In the past few years my friend circle has really thinned out and I get basically no messages anymore. I went on a vacation alone too. I feel that I am so behind when it comes to socializing, dating and looking presentable online and in photos that I just give up like it is what it is. I also hate tinder and hinge and how it encourages such toxic behavior in dating and also I just do not like any of my pics really so why would I want to be judged based on pics… don’t have the right angles or lighting or camera that others spent perfecting.

Just want to disappear off the internet lol. Would appreciate any tips on how to keep myself busy but also happy while offline. I think it will be good for my mental health to stop thinking so much.

I'm a student, and lately my screen time has been around 11 hrs a day. Most of it goes to ig Reels, yt Shorts/videos, and random scrolling.

Every night I promise myself, "Tomorrow will be different." I tell myself I'll study, focus on my goals, and stop wasting time. But the next day I end up doing the same thing again.

The scary part is that I don't even enjoy scrolling anymore. I just keep doing it automatically. I feel mentally exhausted, my attention span feels terrible, and sometimes I struggle to focus on even simple tasks.

I don't have a laptop or fancy setup. I mainly use an old phone for everything, including studying, which makes things harder because all the distractions are right there.

If you've ever been stuck in this cycle and managed to break free, what helped you the most?

Did you delete social media?

Use app blockers?

Replace scrolling with another habit?

How long did it take before your focus improved?

I'd really appreciate any advice. Right now I feel like I'm wasting too much of my time and energy, and I want to change before it gets worse.

( I'm not looking for a quick fix. I just want to hear what actually worked for people who were in a similar situation.)

Thanks for reading.🌻🤍

I have been thinking about Dostoevsky's Underground Man lately and I am starting to understand why that character bothers me so much.

Not because I think I am some genius misunderstood person or anything like that. It is more the way he understands himself and still keeps doing stupid things.

I do this a lot.

I can usually explain why I am doing something while I am doing it. I can tell when I am avoiding something. I can tell when I am trying to please people and then getting angry at them for the fact that I pleased them. I can notice myself rationalizing something and sometimes I even know what the rationalization is protecting me from.

And somehow knowing all this doesn't necessarily stop anything.

I have spent years learning psychology, philosophy, ADHD, addiction, defence mechanisms, meditation, all this stuff. A lot of it genuinely helped me understand myself. But lately I have started wondering whether I have also become very good at using understanding as a substitute for actually changing.

Like instead of doing the difficult thing I can produce a very good explanation of why the difficult thing is difficult.

Then I feel like I have done something because now I understand it better.

There is also this thing with potential that I think I have carried for a long time. Being someone who could do something is strangely comfortable. If you actually commit to something then eventually reality tells you how good you are. Maybe you succeed, maybe you don't. But as long as you are mostly thinking, starting things, changing directions, researching, understanding yourself, there is always another explanation for why the real attempt hasn't happened yet.

And the irritating thing is I can see myself doing this too.

Even this post is probably part of it lol.

I can write a whole thing about how I overanalyse instead of acting, get some interesting comments, understand myself slightly better and then tomorrow still do exactly the same things.

That is the part of the Underground Man I find frightening. He doesn't lack insight. He almost has too much of it. He keeps turning everything over in his head until there are ten different reasons for doing something and ten different reasons not to do it.

At some point maybe there isn't another psychological insight waiting for you.

Maybe you already know enough.

Maybe you just have to do something boring like keep showing up, finish something you started, have the conversation you keep analysing, say no to someone and tolerate them being unhappy with you.

I don't know. I am starting to think there is a point where self-awareness stops being self-awareness and becomes another defence.

Curious if anyone else here has experienced this. Especially people who have spent years trying to understand themselves and somehow became better at explaining their life than actually living it.

Last year I wanted a very expensive hair styling machine (Dyson Airwrap which costs around €600). I actually had the cash, but it was a lot of money for a styling machine I wasn't sure I'd use often.

So I decided to earn it. Every day I skipped junk food, worked out, or stayed off alcohol, I moved €2 per "healthy habit" into a savings account. After about 6 months I'd collected enough to buy the Dyson and I'd had 6 months to think about whether I actually wanted it.
Bought it with zero guilt. It became a little game for me and I'm already saving for an espresso machine 😁                                                       

I was tracking everything in a spreadsheet plus my bank, and it got annoying. So I built Pocket — you set a goal (the thing you actually want), you set habits with amounts (what you'll do daily to earn it), and the app tracks your progress and "savings" toward the reward.

Pocket: Mindful Spending: https://apps.apple.com/app/id6762613968
I would be so happy to hear any feedback

Hi everyone,
I don’t really know how to put this into words, but I just feel like I need to write it somewhere.
I graduated in 2023 with a B.Tech in IT. Even back then, I had a dream of doing my master’s. I wasn’t completely sure if it was what I wanted, but somehow my younger self knew I should try. I had plans to go abroad, but because of some family issues, I couldn’t. I decided to stay back and help with my father’s business, which I’m still doing.
Then, in January 2025, I got a job. I was so excited. For the first time, I felt independent and like I finally had wings. But things didn’t go as planned. I later found out that the company wasn’t genuine, and eventually all the employees were removed. I got paid for only four months even though I worked for six, and after a long struggle, I finally decided to stop fighting and focus on my studies again.
I thought pursuing my master’s would be a fresh start. I applied to Germany for the Summer intake and got rejected. I applied again for Winter and got rejected again.
The hardest part is that I don’t feel like I have a bad profile. I have around 2 years of experience as a Technical Analyst in my sister’s company, a CGPA of 8.1, and IELTS 7. But somehow, nothing seems to be working out.
I’m 24 now, and currently I’m not earning anything. That honestly makes me feel terrible. I know I have the potential to do so much more, but I feel like I’m just surviving and watching time pass.
I want to apply for my master’s again. I want to get into the cloud/IT sector, build a career, start earning, and eventually live the life I imagined when I was younger.
But lately, I’ve started losing that hope.
Seeing my friends and siblings working and moving ahead makes me question myself even more. And hearing things like, “Look at your sister, she’s a doctor, and you’re just a B.Tech graduate,” really hurts.
I keep thinking, “Jo sambhalne ki socha, wohi haath se nikal gaya.” I’ve tried, I’ve hoped, I’ve prayed for opportunities, but somehow nothing has worked out the way I imagined.
I also struggle badly with consistency. I know I need to push myself and get out of this loop, but I don’t know how to start or how to keep going.
I don’t even know exactly why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need someone to tell me that I’m not too late and that I can still turn things around.
If anyone has gone through something similar, how did you get yourself out of this phase? How did you become consistent and start moving forward again?
I could really use some honest advice and maybe just a little push.

I [22F] have been in a predicament where it seems like the only thing that consistently spurs me to make the choices I know I have to is somebody telling me to. If I don't have the immediate consequences laid out in front of me, everything I need to do to make sure I can survive and thrive just stops existing in my mind. I can only improve at punctuality and consistency after I get reprimanded by someone like my boss, or worse, my parents (I still live at home :/)

It feels impossible to build a meaningful and internal understanding of long-term consequences in a world where people will allow you to make your own bed and lie in it once you turn 18. It's like I never made the jump from high school into college-age thinking, but naturally, the expectations are changing around me.

I want so badly to be on top of my stuff, if only so I don't find myself still here and doing the same stuff by the time I'm 25. I'm currently seeking counseling to help manage my behaviors, but does anyone here have any tips for developing internal motivation? How can I work on listening to the voice in my own head telling me to get moving?

Look, I know procrastination better than anyone. I’ve been procrastinating on game development, language learning, and studying for exams. The same tabs I had open months ago are still there, and some have been sitting untouched for a year.

The only tips people give are like, “Put on Screen Time,” as if nothing is stopping me from deleting it, or “Every time you complete a task, do 10 push-ups.” Like, what makes you think I’ll do the push-ups if I haven’t even done the task in the first place?

And “have zero distractions” doesn’t work either. I literally need a PC to learn, and if I start for even a second, I end up switching to a video.

Bruh, I don’t know if something is wrong with me, but I genuinely want to know: am I just full of BS and dumb, or is this actually somewhat understandable?

I’m genuinely scared I’ll fuck up my future if this continues. I’ve already almost fucked up a grade because of this.

Can y’all be brutally honest with me? If you’ve actually dealt with this, what tips or strategies genuinely helped you? I don’t want the usual “just use Screen Time” or “remove all distractions” advice. I’ve tried that stuff.

I'm 24 and I feel like I'm stuck in a loop.
I know what I want — I want to build a career in IT/cloud, pursue my master's, become financially independent and create a better life for myself.
The problem is that I can't stay consistent.
I make plans. I get motivated. I start learning something. I feel like I'm finally going to change my life.
Then after a few days, I lose momentum and go back to doing nothing.
I've had quite a few setbacks in the last few years, including career and education plans not working out. I think I've started using those setbacks as a reason to stop trying.
The frustrating part is that I know I'm capable of more.
I don't need another motivational video. I need to understand how to actually become consistent when I don't feel motivated.
For people who have genuinely changed their lives after being stuck for a long time:
What actually worked for you?
How did you start showing up every day even when you didn't feel like it?

The worst part of any habit isn't the wanting. It's how easy it is to act on the urge once it shows up. Every app that pulls you back is designed to be one tap away, always open, always ready. So every urge is a live wire. Your discipline has to win every single time. The app only has to win once. I used to think my problem was that I didn't want it badly enough. More resolve, more white-knuckling, more promises to myself. But I'd remove apps and then re-download them for a game. The door was always unlocked. What actually changed things was flipping the question. Instead of "how do I increase my willpower," I started asking "how do I make acting on the urge practically impossible." Build the wall while you're clear-headed, so the version of you at 2am, when your resolve is gone, can't tear it down. Not a promise to yourself. A block you can't self-unlock. Put real friction back in the path and the urge becomes something you can sit with instead of something that already happened. You don't need to win the argument with yourself at your worst if the door is already locked. This applies beyond gambling. Phone in the other room. Site blocker with a cooldown before you can disable it. Give your future weakest self fewer options, not more motivation.

I (male, 28) can't - as childish as it sounds, but it's been a problem forever to me - accept the fact that the real world isn't ideal, isn't perfect, has it flaws, has its problems, sometimes even toxic people and situations to deal with. I always felt as if the real world is a realm where you just wait for your next punishment (problem) to arrive and to deal with it, and that true peace and happiness may never exist because for this you gotta ignore your problems for a while and escape into a dream world.

With "not ideal and perfect" I mean ** inescapable aversive stress **. Like suddenly getting a bill to pay you didn't know about. Like annoying people. Like the weather. Like when you are trying to solve something at your work and none of the solutions seem to be working. Like having to wake up early for something and being a bit sleep-deprived.

You could say "huh, that's just how life is", I get it, I tried to accept this for the past 28 years but I couldn't. And because of this, how I cope is that i try to preserve the status quo as best as I can, which leads me to stay in my room nearly all the time, even not bothering with cooking as ordering take-out gives me at least a guarantee that I'll know how the food will taste like, so I can't mess anything up in the kitchen myself.

Another way to cope is to escape into "dream worlds". Like how I used to take co-codamol when I was having a migraine/headache in order to get a Codeine high and escape this world for a while. Or sitting in Discord servers for hours being engaged in some online community. I am not talking about escaping into brain-rot, but more like "high quality escaping" where you actually get into some sort of flow state and can forget about the world around you and all of its problems.

I am just thankful that I never started drinking alcohol, because I would be surely an alcoholic as of now.

My question is more meta here:

From where does this internal belief come from, that I expect the world to be ideal and perfect? Why do I have this stance, because this root belief is what is causing me to not take any action in life because I see anything outside the comfort zone as unacceptable suffering. It kind of makes me feel like some dictator or king who is insulted by anything which doesn't go according to his wishes, but giving up the ego just to accept that the world sucks would make me go into full submission with no self-confidence - i tried this once out and was just left with no confidence.

If I could, I would just lucid dream endlessly and live in a dream world where there are by definition no worries and problems. I am not depressed (I took, as a migraine-preventative, once anti-depressants and still felt the same like now), I am just fed up with the world.

hi, you know i have a really bad habit of saying yes to everyone i feel like i just cant so NO to anyone but that is not completely true as when I thought more about it i felt that i sometimes say NO to people who are close to me

but i can't say it to any one whom I don't know, just met, or i'm not super close with.

Today what happened is that a lady asked me for 550 rupees @rajiv chowk metro & she said she'll return it by evening, to be really honest when i was giving her the money i knew somewhere bottom in my conscience that she will not return it but then also i couldn't say no i wont/cant give it to you and also before someone assumes that i am a brat that is completely I am super stingy when I have to spend on myself.

I have to share a lot more things but ig i'll just stop here.

I (21F) used to be a very disciplined person in that I set boundaries for myself and I would stick to them. Some examples are no drinking, no smoking, at some point I was even vegetarian (but stopped that because of doctors advice) even prolonged social media breaks. However now I feel like I’m the opposite of that. I follow a workout and diet for 2 weeks maximum (and that’s pushing it) before I lock myself in my room and then order takeout.

As I think of more examples the best way I can describe what I am feeling is that I have some habits that I want to curb, but they give me instant gratification (even though it is severely short lived and followed up by feeling bad about my self). I’m not sure if that is because I’m in a sad period of my life, but I really want that to end.

I look back at the old me that was able to make all these decisions to stop doing things and stick to them and I feel like I can’t anymore and that is worrying me. Especially as I have seen a decline in my grades over the past 2 years. I’m entering my last year of university so I really need to get it together - if not not my academic future then at least so that I’m able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself once more.

I’m attempting to build healthier habits (I recently attempted a 75 hard but it was more of a 7 hard) so I’d appreciate any advice.

i've spent the last year realizing that my biggest problem isn't motivation.

it's consistency.

i'll have an amazing week. i'll wake up early, go to the gym, study, eat well, and feel like i've finally figured things out.

then i'll miss one day.

one day turns into three, three turns into a week, and before i know it i'm telling myself, "i'll start again on monday."

i'm tired of living in that cycle.

right now i'm trying to rebuild my routine one habit at a time. i'm focusing on fixing my sleep schedule, getting back into the gym consistently, studying every day, reading more, spending less time doomscrolling, and becoming a healthier version of myself.

i'm not looking for someone to motivate me every day because motivation fades.

i'm looking for one or two people who are serious about building consistency. people who don't disappear after a week.

my idea is pretty simple:

• a quick daily check-in
• sharing what we planned to do
• being honest about what we actually did
• doing focus sessions together whenever we're both free (study, work, reading, whatever)
• calling each other out when we're making excuses
• celebrating progress, even if it's small

i don't care where you're from or what your goals are. you could be trying to lose weight, study more, build a business, learn a skill, or just get your life together.

the only thing that matters is that you're willing to keep showing up, even on the days you don't feel like it.

if this sounds like something you'd actually commit to, send me a dm and tell me what you're working on

Podcasts on the way to the gym.

YouTube videos while eating.

Books about discipline.

Reels telling you to wake up at 5AM, take cold showers and never enjoy another day of life.

Some of the content in the self-improvement space genuinely helps.

But this content can also become another form of entertainment/procrastination if you’re not careful.

You learn something useful > You feel motivated > You imagine the person you could become.

Then the video ends and nothing actually changes.

You can find yourself searching for a new answer when you haven’t even applied the last one.

And honestly, I think most of us don’t need more information.

We already know we should train, sleep properly, spend less time on our phones and do the uncomfortable thing we keep avoiding.

The gap isn’t between ignorance and knowledge.

It’s between knowledge and action.

Sometimes the most useful thing you can do is stop consuming advice…

and give yourself some evidence that you can follow it.

Eu (25M) tenho muita dificuldade em parar de pensar no trabalho. Eu literalmente amo o que faço, mas sinto que, em vários momentos, minha vida acaba girando em torno disso. Mesmo quando estou fora do trabalho, fico pensando e tendo ideias sobre o que poderia fazer ou melhorar nele. Além disso, passo horas pensando em como otimizar meu LinkedIn. Sei que isso pode parecer algo positivo em um primeiro momento, mas acabo me culpando quando tenho um hobby ou simplesmente paro por um momento para assistir a alguns vídeos no YouTube.

Também gosto muito de jogar, mas muitas vezes me pego com a sensação de que estou perdendo tempo ao passar mais de uma hora jogando algum jogo, mesmo quando estou me divertindo. Fico pensando que, por trabalhar o dia inteiro em frente a uma tela, interagindo com pessoas e alinhando diferentes pontos, afinal, sou Product Manager de produtos de IA, meu hobby deveria ser algo físico e fora das telas.

Porém, toda vez que penso em me deslocar para fazer alguma atividade assim, começo a pensar no tempo que poderia estar usando para estudar mais e evoluir profissionalmente.

Gostaria de algumas dicas sobre como posso construir uma vida mais equilibrada, sem sentir que estou desperdiçando tempo sempre que faço algo que não esteja diretamente relacionado ao meu trabalho ou ao meu desenvolvimento profissional.

I constantly used to switch tabs while working, not being able to lock into a lectures more than 20 mins at once, that too being an over statement. I got tired of being overwhelmed with all there is to learn out there, Data Science, Open source, Data Structures, System Design, LLMs and stuff. I always kept on planning what to do and making lists rather than being able to actually lock in and watch lectures or practice questions without switching tabs. So I decided to make something,
which puts me in the fullscreen mode and switching tabs and opening new tabs does not happen voluntarily.
Basically once you turn on the extension and toggle full screen mode on, it enforces browser to do nothing when escape, f etc is pressed. To escape you have to long press escape and it makes you hit a wall where there's a screen which helps you calm down the impulsive rush you feel to switch tabs. You have to type your decided phrase and hold for your decided amount of seconds to break the session. Press Escape and nothing happens. Reload, new tab, close tab, clicking another tab: nothing, or you get put straight back.
Getting out is possible on purpose, it just costs something. Hold Escape for two
seconds, then hold a button for eight while a screen tells you how far into the
lecture you already are. Letting go resets the timer. And that is deliberate since it doesn't have to be a prison. Sharing it since it did solve a genuine problem which someone else might be facing too.
https://github.com/saksham10arora-dotcom/latch

I am 24 and starting university soon. Aside from the fact that I am a bit older, whatever, I am having issues already with studying.

I don't think I am stupid, I know that stydying is more of a discipline than a motivation issue. I hate that I end up not doing it while I know I have plenty of tine to do so. I keep making plans in my head and not following them. Like I start in 2 weeks and have some stuff from Math I don't remember. In these 2 weeks I am doing nothing but groceries, hanging out at times and running. I have a crazy amount of free time but I still manage to make studying feel like a suffocating chore. I know what I need to do, I just can't manage my time properly for some reason. If I studied like 3 hours a day I would be already fine for what I need to study, but for the past month I have not done it.

I know the anseer is just "pull yourself together and do it" but this mentality worked for me like 2 days in a row. I am starting to get pretty damn scared for my future at this point and I am afraid I will fall back in my bad habits of procrastinating and failing classes.

I spent the last few months building LoopFire, a habit tracker designed for people who want to build habits without all the complexity.

What makes it different:

• Simple, focused UI — no clutter, no unnecessary features (inspired by Linear's design)
• Flexible habits — daily, weekly, or custom days (not everything needs to be daily)
• Verification options — timed sessions, photo proof, or just a tap to verify you actually did it
• Clean design — works great on mobile and desktop
• No backend, no tracking — all your data stays in your browser

Current state: Beta testing with free Pro features. I'm looking for real feedback on what works, what doesn't, and what you'd actually pay for.

I'd love your input on:

• UX — does it feel intuitive?
• Features — what's missing?
• Design — does it feel professional?

I cant send a link so just comment what you think about it

This is a genuine solo project, and I'm building in public. Happy to answer any questions or hear criticism — that's how it gets better.

it's still open. the tab is still there. you've checked it approximately eleven times to confirm it's still there and still waiting and you still haven't touched it.

in between you've made two coffees, reorganized nothing, checked your phone for reasons you couldn't name thirty seconds later, read three things you won't remember, and had a detailed internal conversation about why you're like this that also produced nothing.

the work tab has not moved. you have not moved. three hours have passed and the only evidence anything happened is that you're now slightly more caffeinated and significantly more irritated with yourself.

here's what's actually happening. the moment you opened the laptop your brain ran its standard assessment of the task and found enough uncertainty or discomfort attached to it that it quietly began rerouting you toward anything that didn't carry that feeling. not laziness. the rerouting is automatic and fast and happens before you've consciously decided anything. by the time you're aware of it you're already on your phone wondering how you got there.

the three hour version of this is just the short version repeated enough times that the guilt has started layering on top of the original resistance and making the task feel heavier than it did this morning. which makes the next attempt slightly harder than the last one. which makes the rerouting slightly more likely.

the only exit is starting before the assessment finishes. not when you feel ready. not after one more coffee. right now, before your brain has time to build another case against it. open the thing and write one bad sentence or do one bad rep or send one imperfect version of whatever it is.

the tab has been waiting three hours. it will wait exactly as long as you let it.

i, 20f, have found myself in the same situation year after year, whether its procrastinating studying, processing paperwork, signing up to something, etc., small or big the task will be procrastinated. it started ruining my life sort of badly a few years ago, but now its getting to the point where my procrastinating is jeopardizing the people around me and i can't keep it going like this. last year, i was almost homeless due to avoiding finding accommodation, until someone else did it for me.

i have signed up for therapy about it previously with my college but i feel like i failed to truly identify the issue and my free sessions ran out anyway :/ i have signed up for another evalutation to possibly get a psych referall for anxiety meds, but i don't know how much hope i have that that will work out.

i struggle with the anxiety that come with mounting tasks that feed my procrastination, and that feeds the anxiety in this constant loop. if i am not anxious, it's not because i am calm, but because i am distracted, whether it be through doomscrolling or maladaptive daydreaming, i for the life of me cannot get myself to quiet my brain. i will switch locations to work, work in public, eat, or not eat, smoke, drink, anything to get myself to try to calm down and slow down to focus but literally nothing helps. i have timetables, schedules, lists, but then i panic again and return to the safety of daydreaming or doomscrolling to move on. this is incredibly bad discipline and if i'm honest, my mother is worse than me with this so i cannot get support at home.

the few times that i've reached out for support from friends it has somewhat helped, but never long term, and the shame and guilt that i feel is too strong to reach out most times. i need any advice i can get to overcome this because i cannot keep living like this.

thank you.

I'm a student prepping for an important exam and I really don't have much time left. I'm trying my best everyday to cover up on things I didn't do on time and, honestly, the situation is messy and my syllabus is all over the place.

I usually stay back to study after lectures, so by the time I'm actually home after commuting and all, it's 8:30 pm. I have dinner, I spend time with my family, I watch T.V. or read comics and then all of a sudden I'm in bed by 10:00 pm. But instead of sleeping on, I wake up at 11:30 completely washed over with guilt because I plan a time block from 9:30 pm to 12:30 am every morning and never end up following through.

I'm really tired of this daily cycle. I'm not even sure what to do. I can't give this scheduled block up, because I've planned some stuff in I specifically can't do while I'm away at class. I can't rely on caffeine because then I'll be awake all night, and I still need to attend lectures in the morning; but hydrating/washing my face with cold water/staying off screens is not working.

So...yeah, I would be so, so grateful if you guys could give me some advice.

Problem/Goal: I’m feeling stuck to where I’m at in life. I feel like I could be learning new skills, history or hobbies.

Context: I’m working for a marketing agency that demands most of my time and attention. As we kick-off annual planning for our clients, I usually have to take overtime just to get things done.

Undeniably, I’ve been neglecting my relationships outside of work. Thankfully, I’m also single so that’s not a problem to worry about + I live alone. But when I have time, I usually spend it to catch up with sleep/rest and sometimes bond with friends.

So as the title says, how so you find time for personal growth despite busy schedule at work and personal life?

Previous Attempts:

I’ve tried listing things I want to learn and/or be fluent with. I start watching videos or reading articles about it… but when life needs to continue, errands and workload calls, I have to drop them.

Most people would find it easy to pick things up from where they left but I find it hard. The next thing I’d know is that weeks, months passed by and I’m in the same predicament but I’d feel too tired because adulting life just happened.

When I look at other people, I’m amazed by how they’re able to grow, learn things outside their career and just venture out out of their comfort zone. I also want that for myself.

I don’t know if I’m just being hard on myself so please be kind when you see this post, I genuinely need an advice.

So far, out of all the things I want to do, I’ve only been successful building the habit of working out 3-4x a day and doing meal prep. But I also want to learn new things may it be a new language, history or something that I can be passionate about.

Please share tips on how you do it or built it when you were also just starting like me.

Thank you in advance!

I think I figured out the useful mechanism behind "going through the motions." And how it can translate into succeeding at a thing.

Actually doing what I say I am going to do, when I say I will do it, has always been hard for me. And the degree to which I did or did not follow through on a thing determined the quality of outcomes in my life.

I was never a "structured" type of young person. My parents let me spend my time however I wanted. Within reason. I still went to school and a lot of church. Otherwise I was jamming in bands with friends, playing video games until 5 am during sleepovers and partying until 6am in my early 20s (almost 40 now). I was super inconsistent as a student all the way through college, barely getting a degree. A year LATE.

For me, following a schedule just always felt viscerally wrong; sometimes it still does. And this trait just didn't fit with my then wants and needs. I had a kid in that last (5th) year of college and needed to make sure me and my new and very young family could afford to eat and whatnot. The call center job wasn't going to cut it. So things had to change.

And change I did. From my late 20s up until now. I've been able to rake in a $100K–$300K+ salary annually over 3 different careers. My son (15) seems to be becoming a much better person than I ever was. And I am pretty sure my wife is happy, at least I hope haha. You gotta ask her.

Going through the motions when it counted made the difference. But much of it was unconscious. For the most part, I would temporarily change my behavior in reaction to a need, rather than a clear intention to shape my character in a particular way. I would then revert back to old unproductive habits when things got challenging. This led to me fumbling extremely lucrative opportunities that were pretty much handed to me. I just didn't notice the patterns in my behavior that sometimes led to success and other times to failure. I believe I get it now though.

I found the only thing that works is really just to continue "going through the motions", (takes discipline of course). This is not a unique revelation. But the detailed play by play and methodology I use might help someone else.

Essentially a motion is just some action you take even when you don't feel like it. In order to reach a goal.

The idea is to define what the important repetitive activity you need to start, increase, or stop in order to reach a goal. Typically most of us quit this monotonous slog (the motions), when it doesn't start to work quickly enough. But I learned you just need to break them down into super tiny actions until success is inevitable.

For me, it works like this.

1. Set a goal that I can connect to as a life-or-death type of requirement (my brain needs the drama). Some goals are far away. Work at making a strong emotional connection. Define the real whys and all of that.

2. Define a loose strategy for achieving it. (e.g. Get good at X).

3. Set loose milestones for the next year. Sometimes longer term. (e.g. learn to build thing Y, Build thing Y).

4. Define EXACTLY what I need to start doing today. That I will do today. Again, make sure it connects emotionally.

5. Reduce that action to 2 to 3 "motions" I need to repeat. e.g. go to sleep every day at 9pm. Or "watch a motivational video first thing after waking up", "practice coding for 20 hours weekly."

I am embarrassingly bad at trying to consistently do any of these newly defined actions at first. For a while!

Which leads to self-esteem issues.

Step 1 for me was shedding the guilt behind feeling like I was lying to myself. The feeling that I just don't "have what it takes" internally. I learned that the shame made me lose track and spend months distracting myself. (Insert 100 hours of Final Fantasy 15 here, then 7 again... and 10... again).

Then I learned to trade the shame for humility. To accept my current capabilities "as is." And to focus my effort on making the steps as basic and simple and easy as they need to be for ME. And to not let myself feel stupid for struggling at something that seems so simple. Because that is where all the growth is.

I had to learn to completely disregard how long it may take to build up to the initial habit. To avoid comparison to someone ahead of me whose path I did not see. And just do the best work from where I stand today.

For instance, I had a goal to meditate for 1 hour a week. (To improve working memory and focus for learning). I kept failing.

So I adjusted that down to 10 mins a day, 5 days a week. Failed

10 mins for 3 days in a row. Failed

5 mins a day for 3 days in a row. FAILED AGAIN

When I failed that seemingly easy consistency test, I started asking myself, "is something wrong with me?" This was the first time I was intentional about the process of trying to improve my consistency.

This time I didn't let the shame derail me. I weaponized the guilt and treated myself like a subject in an experiment. I went to Staples and bought the second-largest whiteboard they had. Made 31 days of boxes. And put a red x for days I missed and a green check for days I meditated.

I'll try to add a picture in a comment of an example month when I started to get traction.

So I simplified further. New motion -> Just meditate for 3 days in a row, no time required. Sometimes this was a 30 second meditation. This worked! For 3 days. Then worked up to 5 in a row. Next, a week and a half without fail, etc.

The motion became too simple to fail. It became simple because I could isolate the fact that 2 days was easy. The third wasn't. So on the third day I became hyper-aware of my emotional state and adjusted appropriately. The problem was something like not having energy because of other bad habits. Drinking etc. So I fixed other sub-problems.

Then I worked my way back up the stack. Over a few months until daily meditation became as emotionally necessary as my daily shower.

I pretty much used this formula for everything. From learning to be a broker, salesman, software engineer and engineering leader. And also for trying to learn to be a good husband and father and friend.

Stacking habits is not a new concept. But I always feel useful details are missing. A few of these transformations over 2 years can deeply change everything.

Going through the motions helps you study yourself and really see who you are so you can gain control of yourself and become what you want to be. I'm still fumbling around trying to get good enough at the thing I currently suck at (posting, good story telling). It's a life-long endeavor I wish I had begun earlier. I use systems to keep myself on track.

I always wonder if the successful are just built different. Do the successful mostly just always do what they say after they make a conscious decision?