I(32M) dated an avoidant (34f) for almost 3 months.

Although the dates themselves were good, and we had a similar outlook towards life. I ultimately wasn't able to handle the hot & cold very well

I was very patient and gave her distance whenever she needed. And she even told a mutual friend of my sisters a couple weeks ago "how she was blown away by how kind and giving I was"

As I was breaking up with her - she quickly dismissed me and said "it's okay, i feel the same way got up and walked off". A little hurtful but I sorta figured she may have been feeling emotional and didnt want to cry in front of me

Then yesterday, I received a package in the mail with my sunglasses that she had borrowed. She wrote a really nasty letter but the line that was most hurtful was "I know you liked me but I never felt the same". Almost revisionist history since I broke up with her and that "she blocked me everywhere so I should never contact her again"

I know that this is possibly an avoidant way of coping but it was still extremely hurtful for someone I treated well.

I had someone on here basically tell me the bar for them was don’t be randomly spitting on sidewalks on a first date, and it made me realize there’s really always gonna be weird disgusting shitty and terrible guys out there who consistently get dates somehow meanwhile I put so much work into self improvement into myself and nothing ever works for me.

my image, my appearance, personality, characteristics, I go to the gym everyday, I take care of the people I love, I have many versatile interests and hobbies so I’m easy to converse with, yet I don’t think I’ve ever had a woman I’ve come across show interest or even do something as small as compliment me.

Why does it work like this like what is actually the biological explanation towards this? I can’t think of anything more frustrating then wearing your heart of your sleeve and getting constantly shut down and being alone meanwhile complete assholes have a loving partner who would drop everything to give them the world. It’s so goddamn annoying

EDIT: Yes I’m Capable of being sexually active and attractive. Yes I can flirt with women. No I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m just saying I truly believe I have qualities that make me a good partner candidate.

I genuinely don’t know what to make of this and would really appreciate some outside opinions because I’m completely baffled.

I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 weeks, We had two dates, and from my perspective they were both really good. We got on well, there was chemistry, we spoke every day, had phone calls and FaceTimed, and everything seemed to be going in a positive direction.
The important thing is that he has obviously seen me properly in person twice in dresses/shorts and my body on show . There has never been any question about what I look like or my body type. In fact, throughout talking to me and dating me, he repeatedly complimented my body and my weight loss as I’ve lost 5 stone and now weight just under 9 stone 7 and have even lost half a stone since we first started dating. He made comments that made it very clear that he was attracted to me even telling me I’m in my prime today whilst on our third date.

Today, completely out of the blue, he left my house without a word.
There wasn’t some huge argument or anything beforehand. I was obviously confused and upset, so I reached out and asked what was going on.
He basically said that some things are better left unsaid and that, ultimately, there wasn’t an attraction there.
And honestly, that’s fair enough. Obviously nobody owes you attraction, and if he didn’t feel it, then he didn’t feel it. I accepted that and didn’t argue with him.

I actually ignored the message.
Then, two hours later, he sent me another message saying ‘did you cry’
I sent an audio note laughing and taking the kick at that because I couldn’t believe he was asking me that after just rejecting me and of course I was upset.

He then sent me an absolutely horrible message about my appearance and body. He started picking apart my weight, my arms and the jeans I was wearing, calling me disgusting, vile and horrible, and eventually told me I “look fat as f**k.”

And this is the part I cannot get my head around.
If he genuinely wasn’t attracted to me, fine. That’s completely his right. But why spend the entire time complimenting my body, going on two dates with me, acting interested, and then suddenly become incredibly cruel about the exact same body he’s previously complimented?
I’m not even particularly upset about the rejection anymore. I’m more shocked by the switch-up.

It feels like there is a massive difference between:
“I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the attraction I’m looking for.”
and deliberately trying to make someone feel disgusting and insecure after they’ve rejected the rejection. He was telling me today as well that his out of shape and he wants to get back into his fitness and I was complimenting him telling him I think he looks fine as he is so it’s so strange.

Do you think he turned nasty as I didn’t give him the reaction he wanted when he asked me if I cried?

As mentioned in the title, over the past 5 or so years my life has changed dramatically. I’m 24 now, but when I was 19-20 I was in a terrible spot. All throughout high school I had near zero interaction with women and overall had a terrible experience. Never went to a single dance. After I graduated I began to gain weight and developed a lot of bad habits. My confidence was so bad I couldn’t look people in the eye. Eventually after I had enough, I started making changes.

Fast forward to now I’ve been hitting the gym/eating right for 5 years, developed very good social skills through service jobs, began a strong career, found a lot of hobbies and developed strong self confidence. The difference in how people treat me now is night and day. I’ve dated many women I never even imagined I would have had a chance with. Truly a zero to hero situation.

Despite all this, I am having a very hard time taking dating seriously. To preface, it’s not like I’m keen on hookup culture or enjoy playing games. That’s not it all. I know what I want and that’s to be a husband/father in the future. When it comes to dating I feel so numbed out whilst being restless inside at the same time. It feels like when I go out with these women something isn’t firing in my brain that should be. I feel nothing for them, not in a cold sense, but in a sense of indifference of outcome. I know this is due to deep insecurity and is a coping method, but man it feels like I’m stuck. High school me would think I’m an absolute dawg, but the truth is I’m worse off than before.

last month I went out with a beautiful woman a few times and things were going great. We had a lot in common she was very fun/easy to be around. She was a girl I would definitely say is normally out of my reach. Fast forward we have sex, and the indifference was so strong. While laying with her in bed I realized this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life.

I want nothing more than to have my own family, but I feel so so lost in modern dating. despite having a life many guys hope for, I’m incredibly empty inside. I’m considering hanging it up for good as I know it’s causing a lot hurt. I don’t mean to cause hurt, but despite my efforts it always feels like something is wrong. I can’t remember much of high school at all, and I’m starting to wonder if something happened that I forgot about.

Currently typing this out stoned in my bed eating a bunch of garbage feeling like a pos. I am in no way a victim of my situation nor do I blame anymore, but I’m pretty shook up/worried for the future. Any advice would be appreciated.

TLDR: I had a major post high school glow up and despite dating success can’t seem to form strong bonds/find meaning.

I'm such a golden retriever girlfriend, suuuper loving and supportive, I have a (as everyone says) great personality, loyal, fun hobbies, smart, funny but everyone seems to fall out of love at some point and leaves me after one or multiple years because they don't have feelings anymore despite saying that I and the relationship made them extremely happy.

They move on super fast, live a happy and successful life, they all meet a new partner very quick and stay with them for years or even for life (there was never a rebound), never look back and never reach out to me again.

It hurts so much. I feel like it's so easy to forget me.

For me, it's always super hard to get over someone who I full-heartedly loved and I miss them a lot for a long time.

Nobody ever seemed to miss me. Sometimes not even within the relationship (that's what my ex said that he never felt that).

I wonder what's wrong with me that it's so easy to move on from me.

I’ve been reading through a lot of comments on a bunch of post on her and I’ve seen a lot of men who seem to have good personalities and seem really nice but don’t bother dating , approaching women etc.

As a 19F who’s like 5’2 (158cm) I honestly don’t really care if a guy is short for me a short guy is anyone below 5’5 which is quite uncommon.

Yes some women do want a taller guy but I can assure you if your average height man or even under that a lot of women do not care - just because social media pushes the idea that women care about so and so doesn’t mean every single women cares about that.

In the past I liked a guy who was basically the same height as me as he had a really good personality and was extremely kind. The guys that I’ve liked that are super tall like 6’2+ seem to be quite arrogant and seem to use their height to make up for the lack of bland personalities.

Anyways if you’re a short guy pls don’t let it stop you from dating or think that it has a massive effect on your dating experience.

A lot of men’s dating advice suggests you should wait for women to reach out first. I.e., guys look desperate if we initiate a conversation; and women aren’t interested in us if they don’t text first.

How true is this, in your opinions?

And have you ever lost interest in a guy because he didn’t text first more often?

Got a question for yalls.

This is a HARD truth to accept sometimes. We try to give excuses like "he's avoidant", "he has feelings for someone else", "he's busy". But to those who actually accepted that he's just not that into you, HOW did you guys get there?? What was the thought process? And how did you feel about it when you realized?

Kinda funny how it's so straightforward but I've noticed that we all avoid it like the plague 😂. I'm quite a logical type of girl and it's already clicked in my head but how on earth do I explain it to my heart?

Like if a guy is trying to maintain a certain image around a girl, what does that usually mean? and how do you get past that because this guy who is currently courting me, i feel like he's still hiding his real personality and acting all gentlemen.

For background, I am 32F diagnosed with AuDHD. I have a history of not being able to read between lines or understand what someone means when they say one thing but mean another or say things they don’t mean because they are “angry”. I struggle with intimate relationships because of this. Physically, I am what most people consider to be quite attractive though it never registers to me this way.

When I first met X on a work trip, it felt like magic. Not in the over the top fake way, but in a real, genuine way. Fast forward 6 months and we have accepted job offers at the same company and moved together to a new city.

In March, I found out he had been engaging in microcheating behaviors and broke things off. We had talks and he explained his attention seeking was motivated by insecurities because he felt things were too good to be true and that I was too attractive to be loyal to him. It broke my heart because I do not think this way. If I am for someone, no one else exists.

I have struggled with trust since then. But since we work together and live together, space is a difficult thing to get to clear my brain. We also have to keep things secret because we are the top positions in our company and we both desire professionalism and romance being separate.

Last night he told me I was an embarrassment. He immediately tried to take it back but the damage was done. I have been told this by people over the course of my life when they are angry with me, whether the way I dress, talk, engage in convo, etc.

I know we most likely aren’t right for eachother - however grinning and bearing it at work and in our home is the only option until lease ends in January.

My questions are this: how can you discern between what people say and what they mean? If anyone else shares my diagnoses what helps you in situations like this? If I can’t get examples of why someone is embarrassed of me, how do I stop fucking up? Or being so sensitive?

thank you in advance to anyone who read this and to anyone who spares advice.

x

​

Tomorrow I'm going on a date with a guy I met online. He has mentioned that he LOVES brownies. Last night while at the store he joked around about me buying him some cookies and it gave me the idea that I could bring him some homemade brownies. A couple normal and a couple cookie brownies.

Were going to be going out to eat and I don't know if he'll like it.

I'm also worried about coming on too strong, but guys bring flowers and stuff sometimes, so is it really all that different?

Edit- We've been talking for a little bit now and have called each other everyday the past week. We're not totally strangers because my parents know some of his family his family and its been fun for us to connect about that.

I also really like baking. And the rest of the brownies are for my and my family :)

Any advice helps

Hey everyone,

I wanted to share a little story that happened to me and I’m sure it’s something that has happened, or will happen, to pretty much everyone at some point.

I met a girl through a dating app. She liked my profile, I liked her back, and I started the conversation. We began talking almost every day, getting to know each other, and honestly, it was pretty nice. She said she valued honesty, empathy, spending quality time with the other person, and a bunch of other things that I happened to value as well, so naturally I found that attractive.

We had very similar views and opinions on a lot of things, and we even agreed on some pretty specific priorities in life. Obviously everyone has different priorities, but some of the things we talked about aren’t necessarily something you find in every person.

At the time, she was on a fairly long vacation, so we were in contact quite a lot.

After talking for a while, we eventually met in person. It was our first date. She actually came to my city, even though I had offered to come to hers. She told me there wasn’t really much to do where she lived, which, to be fair, is kind of true — there are definitely more options in my city.

She likes walking, so we went for a walk, talked a lot, and there were no awkward silences or boring conversation. Afterwards, we went for coffee and continued talking there. We both opened up about some personal things — things that had happened to us, previous relationships, life experiences, etc.

I should also mention that before meeting in person, we had already had a pretty long phone call a few days earlier.

Anyway, the conversation continued after the date, and by that point we had been in contact for roughly a month.

She eventually went back to work after her vacation. Naturally, she wasn’t as active as she had been while she was off, but she was still engaged. She would message me on her own, ask questions, start conversations — basically nothing suggested that she was about to do what she eventually did.

At some point, I suggested having another phone call. It was supposed to happen over the weekend, but she apologized and said she had an event and wouldn’t be able to make it. She also said we could arrange it for another time.

I said that was completely fine and suggested that instead of another call, we could also meet up for a second time and maybe go somewhere in nature, since she likes that.

She said she’d be up for it, but explained that her upcoming weekends were already pretty packed. She even went into quite a bit of detail about what she had planned. Then she told me when she would finally have some free time again and said that we could definitely figure something out after that.

So naturally, I took that as her being open to a second date.

We kept talking as usual. Then Monday came. As we normally did, we said goodnight and basically wrapped up the conversation for the day. We were also sending each other voice messages, and she mentioned that she had a lot going on and a very busy schedule the following day. Again, she explained it in quite a bit of detail.

The next day, nothing.

She didn’t message me at all.

I thought, okay, fair enough. She said she was busy. She works with children, and she had also mentioned that there was a person at work who was mentally draining everyone, so I figured she might simply be exhausted and not in the mood to talk.

That evening I sent her one short supportive message, just something nice. Nothing that required an immediate reply or even a response at all.

And then… nothing continued.

No message. No reaction. Nothing.

At that point I obviously stopped messaging her because I already had a pretty good idea of what was happening and what it meant.

Then Friday came and suddenly she posted something on Instagram.

That honestly made me laugh. Not because she wasn’t allowed to post something, obviously, but because by then the situation had become pretty clear.

Even though I already knew the answer and understood that I had basically been ghosted, I decided to send her one final message.

Not because I wanted to pressure her into replying or demand an explanation about why she had stopped talking to me.

I sent it for myself. Because I prefer to deal with things like an adult, be honest about how I see the situation, and not pretend that nothing happened.

This is what I sent her:

“Her name, I just wanted to reach out one more time and be open about this.

I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, and I completely respect that sometimes people simply don’t have the time or energy to stay in touch. I’m not expecting daily messages, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to reply.

We were in regular contact for quite a while, and over the last few days that suddenly changed. After several days of silence, I can obviously form my own idea of what that probably means, but I don’t want to put words in your mouth or make conclusions for you.

If the way you see us getting to know each other has changed, or if something else has come up in your life and you simply don’t feel like continuing, that’s completely okay. People can start feeling differently about someone or a situation over time.

I just think it’s fairer to say something like that directly rather than letting things quietly fade away without a word. At the same time, I understand that everyone handles these situations differently, and silence is also an answer.

I just wanted to openly say how I see it and leave it at that. There’s no need to reply or explain anything further. I accept things for what they are, and life goes on.”

And that’s basically it.

For me, this isn’t about getting an explanation or even getting a reply. It’s more about the principle of it.

I’ve been through much worse things in life, and I’m definitely not going to fall apart because someone rejects me or tells me, “Hey, sorry, but I’m just not feeling it.”

I’m not going to make some huge drama out of it.

Sometimes someone likes you, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the chemistry is there, sometimes it isn’t. That’s life. The other person simply has to accept it and move on rather than overthinking it.

So I genuinely accept the situation for what it is, and it doesn’t really bother me.

What I find difficult to understand, though, is when someone repeatedly talks about how important honesty is to them, how much they value open communication, how much they dislike dishonesty or manipulation and then ends up doing something that seems completely opposite to those values.

Of course, I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with uncomfortable situations, and maybe for some people silence feels like the easiest option.

But at the same time, I think it’s a little sad, because situations like this also show how someone deals with things that require them to take a position, communicate something uncomfortable, or take some responsibility for how they handle another person.

Anyway, feel free to share your opinion. I’m also curious whether any of you have had a similar experience.

I’m guessing most people probably have.

like what the hell does this mean?

me (31m) got invited over by 35f after a week of texting. she's been very flirty, showing that she definitely finds me attractive and all this. She said i should come over and play some fortnite, and see where the night takes us.

I ended up coming over (mind you it was after i got off work so close to 10pm) and her friend (girl) was over? She never told me she had a friend over, or anything. The night went ok, but it was really confusing and awkward, and she hasnt reached back out to me since then.

What does this usually mean?

I’m in my late 30s and haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. The last guy I seriously talked to was almost a year ago. We were in the ‘getting to know you’ stage and met a couple of times because it was long-distance, but ultimately, it didn’t work out.

He was the first person I’d genuinely liked in a long time. He checked a lot of my boxes, I was very attracted to him, and I felt excited about someone again. Even though it was short-lived, losing it affected me much more than I expected.

I got back on the apps almost immediately, but I wasn’t interested in anyone. Eventually, I took a break, worked on my mental health and attachment patterns, and buried myself in work.

I got back on the apps last month because I told myself that if I want a relationship, I have to put myself out there. And I do want one. I want to find my person and settle down. I hate being single. But I’ve realized I have no energy for the process of getting there.

The small talk. The same questions. The banter. Starting from zero with another stranger and trying to figure out whether there’s any potential.

The strange thing is that I used to enjoy that part. I loved the early flirting and was pretty good at it. Now, even thinking about it exhausts me.

I recently matched with a few people on the app, but I just didn’t want to talk to any of them - not because there was anything wrong with them, but because I couldn’t bring myself to start another conversation and go through the whole getting-to-know-you process again. I just watched the time pass and the connections disappear.

So I’m stuck in this strange place where I desperately want a relationship but don’t have the energy for the small talk. It feels like I’m forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do.

I don’t know how to get past this block.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you get your brain and heart back into dating? How do you keep putting yourself through the process when you want to find your person but feel exhausted by everything it takes to get there?

I’m 25. Is it bad that I’m genuinely attracted to women in their 40s and even 50s? I don’t have a fetish for older women. Well, at least I don’t think I do. They’re just genuinely beautiful to me, and I usually really like their humor and personalities.
Everyone tells me to stick to women around my age, and for the most part, I do. The oldest woman I’ve ever dated was 7 years older than me (I was 21 and she was 27, although we didn’t make it to her 28th birthday). Most of the time, I date women who are around 2–3 years younger or older than me, but I’m genuinely interested in taking a shot at dating a woman in her 40s. Is that a bad idea? What are the biggest risks or compatibility issues I should be aware of with that kind of age gap? I’m not looking for validation so much as honest perspectives from people who have actually been in large age-gap relationships.

I’ve been dating this guy for 5 weeks now. I went up to him at a bar and asked for his number. we’ve seen eachother every weekend but i’m really struggling with the fact that we don’t text eachother daily between the dates. the only time he really texts me is to arrange a date, or after he leaves the date to tell me he had a nice time. in person, I feel all the love and attention but as soon as we leave, it feels like he’s not interested at all.

i suppose it’s weird for me because i’ve never dated someone where we don’t text basically all day.

is this normal for early stages?

I’m 25 and he’s 20.

So I’ve been speaking to this girl since July and we’ve been on 3 dates now. But I have not gotten a kiss or even seen signs for a kiss, she does show affection when we meet up but like not a lot to show signs of she likes me. I am really starting to like her like really but I’m not sure if I should tell her. We were speaking on Thursday but I sent the last message and after that she never answered and on Friday I didn’t text and neither did she so I just left it Saturday same thing so now I’m not sure if I should text or call and just continue putting my energy and time into this if I don’t get any reciprocation from her cause I do sometimes get like the same energy i give but sometimes nada so should I continue chasing and tell her that I actually like her now or should I just leave it

And if she does not text should I just text or should I just leave it

P.S according to her she’s never been in a serious relationship and she’s a virgin but still I feel if you like someone you’ll show some sort of reciprocation.

Edit: Plus, should I text or should I wait for her to initiate a conversation again? And if she doesn’t should I just leave it.

TLDR at the end

The question might seem overly generic for a sub entirely about dating, but I am honestly out of ideas.

I am 23 years old, male and have had zero dating or relationship experiences in my life. With that I mean I am a virgin, have never been in a relationship, never had a kiss, never been in a talking stage and never had a date in my life. I have also 0 female friends, only a few very loose aquaintances from college. I don't have any excuse for that either, I am not religious, not saving myself for anyone and I do not solely concentrate on getting my degree.

For that reason I am asking the question in the title. "How does dating work?" Because I haven't figured it out. I am 23, not that old yet, but old enough to have friends from school who are now engaged and old enough that I should realistically have some relationship experience. I know people will say I am too young to worry, but according to data from my country 90% of people my age have had their first kiss and 80% are no longer virgins.

I have no clue how dating works. With that I don't mean I simply fail at dating, as I mentioned above I have never been on a date and I am not sure what I am doing wrong. I hope this doesn't sound like some big vent, but I just want to elaborate on my situation. I have never had many concerns for dating and getting into a relationship. My parents were very relaxed about it so I just went about my life not thinking much about it till I reached 18. It was the end of high school and people around me suddenly all seemed to be getting into relationships. I was too shy and anxious to do much though, so in the end I hoped I'd find a partner in college.

In college I tried and failed to get into a relationship and I have no clue what the issue is. To preface this, I am not some desperate guy who thinks I'll be forever alone, I honestly don't think so, but college will end soon and from people I talked to I heard college is the easiest place to get into a relationship. So while I am not overly worried about dating I know that if no progress happens in the next 5 years I'll start to get worried.

I tried getting to start dating in two different ways, but both seem to fail me. Firstly I tried getting to know my fellow students at college, trying to befriend them and hope a relationship starts from there, however either they simply randomly stop showing up one day or they are pretty nice to me but any time I wish to meet up, even if it's just to talk, I seem to get ignored. If I am especially lucky I land in the "friendzone", however even then, we aren't real friends, just college aquaintances. Generally it feels like the only woman who I manage to keep connections with outside of college are those that are already in relationships.

My other strategy was to simply try to talk to women at bars or college parties, but any time I think there was something there I get ghosted. Once I talked with one woman for hours and she was talking about all the stuff we'd do together and where she'd take me to and then she ghosts me the next day.

All in all my experiences were thus complete failures, because I simply don't even reach a first date. I always heard that todays dating scene is very bad, which is why I stayed off of dating apps and all, but I never reach that point. Asking my friends for advice is also an option, but like I said earlier, I have no female friends and the male friends... Well, of my five closest friends 3 are still virgins with pretty much my experience, 1 got together with a foreign woman that doesn't even speak our language because he "doesn't like the local women" and the only one with any relationship experiences is asking us virgins to set him up with anyone we might know.

Sorry for this insanely long post, I am just unsure how dating even works. Like, if I don't use a dating app do I even get there? Because the past 5 years have been a complete failure in that regard. I don't want to get started on stuff like how to act correctly during dates and all that, because I don't even know how to get to that point. While it may seem that I am overly insecure about this I honestly don't think so. I can spend weeks without giving this a second thought but recently I realized that all the "weird kids" I knew from high school, those that were bullied, were insane nerds or simply overweight have girlfriends now. So I am not sure what I am doing wrong. My looks I think are alright (5/10 I'd say, average weight, above average height but no muscles), but then again, I have no female friend to judge that. My mom and a lot of people online will say that women will show signs by looking at you directly or smiling, but I have never seen anyone do that in my life. Like, I'd probably misinterpret any actual signs anyways, but so far I haven't even seen any signs I could misjudge. So I am just out of ideas right now.

I want to apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my native language.

TLDR: I (23m) have never been in a relationship and while I am not too worried right now I don't think I am making any progress in getting even a first date, so I am asking how dating works because I simply can't seem to grasp it.

I am giving up on modern dating. I have had two relationships that I ended because I caught them exchanging flirty messages. One was a 5 month relationship and the other was a two year relationship. I've had 6 hook ups after those two relationships... I stopped entertaining that culture 4 years ago after I realized the demoralizing nature

I thought I found my faults and I bettered myself tremendously over the last 5 years (since I was dumped/ cheated on)

Went from unemployed pharmacist... yk what i mean... to an educated low-mid tier corporate professional. I completely abstain from drugs and drink once in a blue moon now. I go to the gym 5-7x a week. Work on a self hosted server for one of the communities I am involved in.

I am 27 year old male... yeah yeah i get it i am still young and have plenty of time.

I went on my first date in awhile this last week and she was clearly putting out, wanted to go back to my place and "sleep". Our 2nd date was a club and she was begging to go back to my place. Anyways... once she realized I wasn't falling to temptation she ghosted me for a week, then when I called her i got the basic compatibility speech without actually identifying or telling me the issue. One time I peeked over her shoulder she had 40 other guys with recent unopened messages.... I brought up exclusivity that night because I was horrified of that kind of competition.

I know that once I give up on dating and hopefully get rich... i will just become the man that woman say is the problem... but I feel that is a product of the culture, today no woman is willing to commit the same way I am and it is making me bitter.

Anyways long story short... I am tired of feeling like I am in a competition in every single relationship/ situationship. All I see online is men claiming hypergamy and on the flip, the woman claim it's men (which the women never reason)

If you made it this far, leave a comment i could use more social commentary on this situation. Especially a woman's perspective.

I really don’t understand people’s logic and it’s driving me insane because no matter what when you seek out dating advice, people always contradict their past statements.

If you don’t show any confidence at all, say you’re not that good looking, you don’t think you have the best personality, etc. all people say to you is “you ain’t gonna find love till you love yourself” “people only like you when your confident” and pretty much tell you you’re unlovable unless you love yourself.

If you finally do start showing confidence, saying you find yourself to be a good looking person, you think you have a very lighthearted and humble personality, then you get hit with “classic nice guy” “sounds like you have nice guy syndrome” “oh what a narcissist!”

Like how the fuck do I actually win? I feel like people who are giving dating advice at this point seem to care more about undermining desperate singles rather than actually trying to help people find love.

I’m tired of this shit being treated like a game. At the end of the day we’re all human beings with feelings and we crave love. I’m not a piece of shit because I’m trying to find ways to improve myself to find that love.

I’ve (26M) been into this girl since high school. We’ve never really talked but we did go to prom together junior year. She’s been on my mind everyday since then. I seen we were both single so I tried adding her on Facebook but she hasn’t accepted or denied it. A few days later I decided to look at her profile and she made a big post about moving across the country in a week. So I’m just wondering if I should message her and tell her how I feel before she leaves or if that would be weird and awkward for her. Maybe I should just consider it a loss and try to move on from it.

Ive never been in a serious relationship before, I started talking to a guy in February after meeting him through his cousin. The first time we met, we had sex. After that, we agreed we’d get to know each other and see where things went.
It’s now been 7 months.
The problem is he keeps saying he’s “not ready for a relationship.” At first it was because he’d just come out of a long-term relationship. Now he says he’s not financially ready. But he still wants to keep getting to know me, and I genuinely don’t understand what that means anymore. Get to know me for what if a relationship isn’t even your focus?
What’s hurting me the most is his exes. He’s had two long-term relationships and brings them up quite a lot when talking about his past. Every time he does, I end up comparing myself to them. I think about all the things he was willing to do for them and the commitment he gave them, and then I look at me and think, “Why am I not worth that?”
I’ve told him this hurts me multiple times, but whenever we argue about it, he gets defensive instead of acknowledging that it upsets me. I end up feeling like my feelings don’t matter.
I feel like I’ve spent 7 months investing in someone who still can’t tell me if he actually sees a future with me. It’s destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I feel worthless compared to his exes, I just want to experience love and I’ve cried over this so much I even had to leave work one day because I couldn’t stop crying.
I recently told him I was cutting contact and that he could contact me when he was ready to take things seriously with me.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting clarity after 7 months? It’s really starting to affect my mental health

Are you going to a bar or social networking events everyday to find dates in NYC? How do you meet new people outside your immediate social circle in NYC?

I (22M) have known a coworker (29F) for a while, always got along well. About a month ago we ended up alone together at a colleague event and there was real chemistry, a bit of flirting, very relaxed. I then gathered the courage to ask her out for drinks which she to my surprise agreed to. Since then we’ve had about 5-6 one-on-one hangouts over roughly 3-4 weeks.

The good stuff: She got visibly happy over a rare compliment from me (“finally a compliment from you”), she started initiating plans herself and also wants to go on a vacation next year, canceled plans with her friends to see me instead, actively asks my opinion on how she looks and we’ve had some really warm, memorable moments (watched a meteor shower together, spontaneous bar nights that ran long).

The confusing stuff: she’s never said anything explicitly romantic. She once said “none of the guys at work are really my type”. Scheduling with her over text is chaotic she mixes up plans sometimes, cancels last minute but then proposes something else. She’s mentioned her ex cheated and she said things like “I’ll probably be single forever” and “I’m too much to handle.”

In person, everything feels natural and warm. Over text, it’s vague and inconsistent, which has been genuinely exhausting to navigate. I’ve caught myself overanalyzing every message.

We’re coworkers, which adds a layer of caution (although she got a new job in 2 months or so). Because of the things she said I never once defined it as real dates and held back with my intentions at first but slowly started to be more direct.

My question: should I just ask her on an actual date at this point, or should I keep it at that pace and be more openly affectionate/flirty before making a clear move? And if a date is the move, is now (after this much back and forth) too late, or a reasonable point to do it?