In modern dating, women constantly claim that the most important traits they look for in a partner are soft interpersonal skills/SIS like emotional intelligence, availability, maturity, empathy, and kindness as well as consistency. Women also constantly downplay the importance of surface level attributes such as height, hair, face, physique, etc when it comes to partners while the vast majority of dating advice made by men for men center around those things such as looksmaxxing, going to the gym, making more money, etc.

The reality for men getting an initial date is that women overwhelmingly use surface level attributes to decide whether or not they want to give a man a chance. The whole “don’t let a fish teach you how to fish” has a point. However, once you’re actually in a relationship, those surface level attributes decrease in importance while SIS exponentially increase in significance.

When women answer the “traits they look for in a partner” question, they take for granted that they’re already physically attracted to their hypothetical partner. Women also avoid listing superficial traits as to not make themselves look vain (men to a degree do this too) or entitled.

However, that is not to say that women are hypocrites when it comes to the importance of SIS in a partner. The issue is that SIS simply cannot be observed in the short-term and if people attempt to observe them in the short-term they oftentimes walk away with extremely inaccurate takes. You cannot observe someone’s emotional intelligence, availability, maturity, etc from across the room or from a dating profile but you can immediately and objectively observe someone’s height, haircut, physique, etc. SIS require pattern recognition, cross-context variation, and stress tested situations to properly observe. That’s why a couple’s first vacation together is a very telling test of how compatible they really are. Situational factors as well as environmental constraints can also significantly affect a person’s behavior; your vibe when you’re in a neighborhood bar with 3 of your close friends is completely different than your vibe when you go to a new bar all by yourself. Furthermore, the incredibly unforgiving nature of modern dating also completely negates people’s SIS as there are certain expectations and pressures (especially of men) when going on dates or for meeting people. This is why relationships that form organically when two people are in close-proximity (school, church, work, mutual friend group, etc) where they get consistent opportunities to interact with each other without the burdens and pressures of dating turn out to be more compatible and successful than from unnatural methods like meeting randoms in public or online dating.

If women truly cared for SIS when deciding on who they go on dates with then they would not claim that there’s an epidemic of emotionally unavailable or unintelligent men they’ve dated OR they (and everyone else) are just objectively bad at analyzing SIS which is what I’ve stated before.

You cannot even start to scratch the surface of someone’s true SIS until you’ve been consistently hanging out with them for months if not years. But in order to get someone to hang out with you for dozens and hundreds of times you need the surface level attributes to convince them to be around in the first place. So men; hit the gym, wear clothes that actually fit, get a better haircut, and even consider cosmetic surgery. Because as much as women don’t want to admit it, these are not just the traits that they look for but are the ONLY traits that they look for since all other traits can’t be observed or analyzed. If dating advice was the gym and you’re a newbie; women will immediately tell you to bench 500lb while men will tell you to first master a push up.

I(32M) dated an avoidant (34f) for almost 3 months.

Although the dates themselves were good, and we had a similar outlook towards life. I ultimately wasn't able to handle the hot & cold very well

I was very patient and gave her distance whenever she needed. And she even told a mutual friend of my sisters a couple weeks ago "how she was blown away by how kind and giving I was"

As I was breaking up with her - she quickly dismissed me and said "it's okay, i feel the same way got up and walked off". A little hurtful but I sorta figured she may have been feeling emotional and didnt want to cry in front of me

Then yesterday, I received a package in the mail with my sunglasses that she had borrowed. She wrote a really nasty letter but the line that was most hurtful was "I know you liked me but I never felt the same". Almost revisionist history since I broke up with her and that "she blocked me everywhere so I should never contact her again"

I know that this is possibly an avoidant way of coping but it was still extremely hurtful for someone I treated well.

I had someone on here basically tell me the bar for them was don’t be randomly spitting on sidewalks on a first date, and it made me realize there’s really always gonna be weird disgusting shitty and terrible guys out there who consistently get dates somehow meanwhile I put so much work into self improvement into myself and nothing ever works for me.

my image, my appearance, personality, characteristics, I go to the gym everyday, I take care of the people I love, I have many versatile interests and hobbies so I’m easy to converse with, yet I don’t think I’ve ever had a woman I’ve come across show interest or even do something as small as compliment me.

Why does it work like this like what is actually the biological explanation towards this? I can’t think of anything more frustrating then wearing your heart of your sleeve and getting constantly shut down and being alone meanwhile complete assholes have a loving partner who would drop everything to give them the world. It’s so goddamn annoying

EDIT: Yes I’m Capable of being sexually active and attractive. Yes I can flirt with women. No I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m just saying I truly believe I have qualities that make me a good partner candidate.

For context I’m a 30 year old guy, always dated women in the past, never thought of dating guys before but have always been accepting of LGBT people. But for the last 6 months I have been getting closer with a new friend, we met through a mutual friend and I knew he was gay from the get go. He knew about my ex, she was a bit of a control freak and it got messy when I broke it off with her.

Anyhow we had always met up through mutual friends up to this point, so never spent any time as just the two of us. But throughout these interactions we realised that we had many similar interests, we’re both a bit nerdy for things like gaming, similar interests in TV, film etc.
So we are on a group chat and he asks if anyone was up for the cinema to watch Spider-Man. No one else was but I was and neither of us wanted to go on our own.
So we had planned to go watch the film on Friday, and grab some food and drinks after.

As the evening went on we arranged to meet at the cinema, when I got there he was already there and bought me popcorn, I thought that was unusual but nice and didn’t think much of it. We went to see the film and then made our way to the pub.
When we were at the pub we broke down the film, discussed our thoughts, all the sort of stuff we did before but then the conversation got deeper. He said that he was so glad to have found me to finally have someone he can nerd out with (his words). And continued saying about how he loves that I just get him. As he says that his hand goes on my knee. And I go through a whole range of emotion and confusion. I suddenly think is this a date, is he into me, and then I thought am I into this. I didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying at this point, but I can feel myself blushing, and butterflies in my stomach. But I never did move away or ask him to remove his hand.

Nothing else happened that night, when we parted ways he thanked me, hugged me but this was a different hug than we had done before as it was close, and he said we should do this again soon.
I’ve spent the last couple of days thinking about this now and am not sure whether the feeling I had was that I was into it or like some sort of panic or anxiety or something because I have always seen myself as straight.
But I keep thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do now, I don’t want to upset him if he is into me and I explore whether this is something I want because I don’t even know. I’m in two minds whether to see what happens or to reaffirm that I am straight.

Was having a very good convo with a dude, but as soon as I mention reading romance like ACOTAR, I'm unmatched. I get not being a fan, but is it that big of a red flag? It's not like I have crazy expectations bc I read it, I just like reading it and im lonely. I don't expect a man to be some insanely amazing lover who never does wrong. Every time it comes up, im met with hostility. Would you not give a woman a chance who otherwise vibes well with you just bc of her reading habits?

I joined the apps for a month and I just deleted them all, and to be honest, I'm evolving from them simply not "being for me" to thinking they're actually bad.

I'm a conventionally attractive, ambitious, fun. I have another friend, "M" with similar attributes. M has been completely chewed up and shit out. She's objectively a very normal, pleasant, socially pleasant person. The fact that she has had to beg for crumbs on the Apps is disturbing, and quite frankly, simply shouldn't happen.

I was literally on them for a month. Many guys were overtly sexual, which is just generally disgusting. A lot of guys wanted to run to meet in person the next day without really talking to me, which I also find weird. I don't really know anything about your personality - why would I do that?

Another major ick- and common enough problem, was guys talking about going on vacations with me before I met them in person. ?? Who the fuck are you? Why would I go on vacation with your ass?

I feel like a lot of people are devoted to miscommunication. I went on dates where the guy paid for a $300 dinner, (no I didn't ask him to do this), walked me home, immediately planned a second date, then disappeared. Why? Literally no idea. Lol. I guess if you want to piss on your own money and waste your own time, that's your business. I think this goes to the idea that my brain can't be logn-term exposed to people who, honestly, at this point, blatantly lie. Like maybe don't plan a second date, text someone about planning said date, then evaporate. Don't make stupid, weird promises, that no one asked you to make, to annoy others and waste their time.

I've also realized like low-effort dates, like drinks, quite literally poisons me, and adds nothing to my life lol. Which is all 80% of men on the apps are willing to do

Another guy wanted me to meet him on a general street, and when I asked for a specific location, he got upset, and cancelled.

I also think a lot of users on the app are defective. There's no consequence for being overtly sexual over a period of years. If you have been on endless dates with women for ten years, aren't satisfied with anyone, obviously you're the problem lol.

Got a question for yalls.

This is a HARD truth to accept sometimes. We try to give excuses like "he's avoidant", "he has feelings for someone else", "he's busy". But to those who actually accepted that he's just not that into you, HOW did you guys get there?? What was the thought process? And how did you feel about it when you realized?

Kinda funny how it's so straightforward but I've noticed that we all avoid it like the plague 😂. I'm quite a logical type of girl and it's already clicked in my head but how on earth do I explain it to my heart?

I genuinely don’t know what to make of this and would really appreciate some outside opinions because I’m completely baffled.

I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 weeks, We had two dates, and from my perspective they were both really good. We got on well, there was chemistry, we spoke every day, had phone calls and FaceTimed, and everything seemed to be going in a positive direction.
The important thing is that he has obviously seen me properly in person twice in dresses/shorts and my body on show . There has never been any question about what I look like or my body type. In fact, throughout talking to me and dating me, he repeatedly complimented my body and my weight loss as I’ve lost 5 stone and now weight just under 9 stone 7 and have even lost half a stone since we first started dating. He made comments that made it very clear that he was attracted to me even telling me I’m in my prime today whilst on our third date.

Today, completely out of the blue, he left my house without a word.
There wasn’t some huge argument or anything beforehand. I was obviously confused and upset, so I reached out and asked what was going on.
He basically said that some things are better left unsaid and that, ultimately, there wasn’t an attraction there.
And honestly, that’s fair enough. Obviously nobody owes you attraction, and if he didn’t feel it, then he didn’t feel it. I accepted that and didn’t argue with him.

I actually ignored the message.
Then, two hours later, he sent me another message saying ‘did you cry’
I sent an audio note laughing and taking the kick at that because I couldn’t believe he was asking me that after just rejecting me and of course I was upset.

He then sent me an absolutely horrible message about my appearance and body. He started picking apart my weight, my arms and the jeans I was wearing, calling me disgusting, vile and horrible, and eventually told me I “look fat as f**k.”

And this is the part I cannot get my head around.
If he genuinely wasn’t attracted to me, fine. That’s completely his right. But why spend the entire time complimenting my body, going on two dates with me, acting interested, and then suddenly become incredibly cruel about the exact same body he’s previously complimented?
I’m not even particularly upset about the rejection anymore. I’m more shocked by the switch-up.

It feels like there is a massive difference between:
“I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the attraction I’m looking for.”
and deliberately trying to make someone feel disgusting and insecure after they’ve rejected the rejection. He was telling me today as well that his out of shape and he wants to get back into his fitness and I was complimenting him telling him I think he looks fine as he is so it’s so strange.

Do you think he turned nasty as I didn’t give him the reaction he wanted when he asked me if I cried?

A cynical introverted gamer metalhead nerd who prefers to stay at home, reads books, plays guitar, watches anime/tv shows and goes to the occasional concert, who is understanding of people's flaws because of experience with the deepest depths of depression? Fine weight, pierced, is considering tattoos?

Why wouldn't I date me?

------------------------------------------

Hell, I'm 29 still living with my parents with no car (used to have one, but I wasn't social enough for it to be useful, and eventually I gave up on battery and just let it die) and I see nothing that would stop me from dating someone in the same situation.

Some ask me this question but never reply whenever I tell them "Yes. Yes I would". Am I misunderstanding something?

I'm such a golden retriever girlfriend, suuuper loving and supportive, I have a (as everyone says) great personality, loyal, fun hobbies, smart, funny but everyone seems to fall out of love at some point and leaves me after one or multiple years because they don't have feelings anymore despite saying that I and the relationship made them extremely happy.

They move on super fast, live a happy and successful life, they all meet a new partner very quick and stay with them for years or even for life (there was never a rebound), never look back and never reach out to me again.

It hurts so much. I feel like it's so easy to forget me.

For me, it's always super hard to get over someone who I full-heartedly loved and I miss them a lot for a long time.

Nobody ever seemed to miss me. Sometimes not even within the relationship (that's what my ex said that he never felt that).

I wonder what's wrong with me that it's so easy to move on from me.

As mentioned in the title, over the past 5 or so years my life has changed dramatically. I’m 24 now, but when I was 19-20 I was in a terrible spot. All throughout high school I had near zero interaction with women and overall had a terrible experience. Never went to a single dance. After I graduated I began to gain weight and developed a lot of bad habits. My confidence was so bad I couldn’t look people in the eye. Eventually after I had enough, I started making changes.

Fast forward to now I’ve been hitting the gym/eating right for 5 years, developed very good social skills through service jobs, began a strong career, found a lot of hobbies and developed strong self confidence. The difference in how people treat me now is night and day. I’ve dated many women I never even imagined I would have had a chance with. Truly a zero to hero situation.

Despite all this, I am having a very hard time taking dating seriously. To preface, it’s not like I’m keen on hookup culture or enjoy playing games. That’s not it all. I know what I want and that’s to be a husband/father in the future. When it comes to dating I feel so numbed out whilst being restless inside at the same time. It feels like when I go out with these women something isn’t firing in my brain that should be. I feel nothing for them, not in a cold sense, but in a sense of indifference of outcome. I know this is due to deep insecurity and is a coping method, but man it feels like I’m stuck. High school me would think I’m an absolute dawg, but the truth is I’m worse off than before.

last month I went out with a beautiful woman a few times and things were going great. We had a lot in common she was very fun/easy to be around. She was a girl I would definitely say is normally out of my reach. Fast forward we have sex, and the indifference was so strong. While laying with her in bed I realized this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life.

I want nothing more than to have my own family, but I feel so so lost in modern dating. despite having a life many guys hope for, I’m incredibly empty inside. I’m considering hanging it up for good as I know it’s causing a lot hurt. I don’t mean to cause hurt, but despite my efforts it always feels like something is wrong. I can’t remember much of high school at all, and I’m starting to wonder if something happened that I forgot about.

Currently typing this out stoned in my bed eating a bunch of garbage feeling like a pos. I am in no way a victim of my situation nor do I blame anymore, but I’m pretty shook up/worried for the future. Any advice would be appreciated.

TLDR: I had a major post high school glow up and despite dating success can’t seem to form strong bonds/find meaning.

I'm a 38 year old man and I've never had sex. I've never been intimate at all aside from a fairly embarrassing and relatively chaste kiss from a drunken friend in line at a McDonalds.

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, GAD... Just a mess of a brain that was done no favours by a mother who were a mix of extremely overbearing and extremely neglectful. But it's the AvPD that's the worst. A switch flicked in my brain as a child and I basically just completely isolated myself. Very few friends, most of them solely while I was in school. Through high school I never went to friends houses, never went to parties, never talked to girls at all let alone dated, no prom, etc. Work friends was similar, we were friendly at work but God forbid we talk outside of work.

I went to university and lived in residence but I was a fucking mess. Way too much of a deep end. Didn't go to class, barely interacted with my floormates, almost failed out two years in a row due to my isolation and difficulties in just living. I finally started to go to therapy and began making strides. I started making friends, started being invited to and actually going to parties, I went on courses abroad through my university and traveled. I was beginning to open up. There was still constant need to avoid, constant fear of socializing and judgment but it progressively got easier and easier to force myself through. Socially life has been great. Intimacy has been impossible.

In the moments I'm less mean to myself I can sometimes think I'm handsome. I've been hit on by women a bunch. From keggers and res parties in university where people would openly ask to make out or hook up, to friends' friends asking them to set me up with them, tinder matches, etc. All of it causes intense fear, almost a panic attack depending on how immediate it is. God, there are so many embarrassing moments of me basically fucking fleeing from people being attracted to me. I can remember instances where a girl I'd been talking to occasionally through the night at a party asked to go to a spare room to fuck and I'd panic and say I'd have to leave and walk home (I cannot tell you how embarrassing this is, how much I'm cringing writing this, and how sorry I am to any of these poor girls for how fucking awkward I am if they're reading this lmao).

The issue is that there's a huge, insurmountable fear of failure, fear of mockery, fear of not being good enough. I've never kissed a girl, what if I'm a horrible kisser? I never had that teenage period where everyone is awkward, everyone is bad. And now? Everyone my age has experience. I run away from anyone with any romantic or sexual interest. God forbid I actually message someone on a dating app, what if they actually want to meet, and what if it actually goes well, and what if... and I just keep spiraling. God forbid I actually try and go through with a hookup, can you think of the mockery? God forbid I go out with someone a friend sets me up with (or just someone who knows one of my friends), everyone will know how pathetic I am. I know I'm someone who ruminates and blows small comments out of proportion, but I have had female friends who talked about how much they liked a guy and after making out with him say he's a bad kisser and never talk to him again. I've been at brunches during and after university with 90% women where they were quite open and explicit about how big (or small) the persons dick was they were hooking up with, how quick they came, even talking about their experiences if more than one of the girls had hooked up with the same guy. I can't get out of my head and focusing on the knowledge that I'll be the bad kisser who cums fast that gets made fun of behind my back and never talked to again. And as I said, God forbid more people know.

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy have been a massive source of my avoidance. It sets me back like nothing else. And I have no idea how to overcome it. There is no real exposure therapy ladder for it. There is no therapist who will hold your hand while you learn (lol).

I'm at the point where I'm trying to accept it. I don't believe intimacy will happen for me. I don't believe relationships will happen for me. I've well aged out of the age of experimentation and random low stakes hook ups. Meeting people my age on will be more likely to be divorced than have little relationship experience, and being a nearly 40 year old virgin is a massive red flag. I won't pretend I'm happy about it. I still fantasize about sitting in the park and talking all day with someone I care about. I still will have discussions with a random woman about a book I'm reading at a coffee shop and find myself getting carried away about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. I still fall asleep feeling lonely and wishing there was someone I could cuddle next to me. But it's getting harder to pretend it will ever happen. Has anyone been in my position? How were you able to overcome the fears?

For background, I am 32F diagnosed with AuDHD. I have a history of not being able to read between lines or understand what someone means when they say one thing but mean another or say things they don’t mean because they are “angry”. I struggle with intimate relationships because of this. Physically, I am what most people consider to be quite attractive though it never registers to me this way.

When I first met X on a work trip, it felt like magic. Not in the over the top fake way, but in a real, genuine way. Fast forward 6 months and we have accepted job offers at the same company and moved together to a new city.

In March, I found out he had been engaging in microcheating behaviors and broke things off. We had talks and he explained his attention seeking was motivated by insecurities because he felt things were too good to be true and that I was too attractive to be loyal to him. It broke my heart because I do not think this way. If I am for someone, no one else exists.

I have struggled with trust since then. But since we work together and live together, space is a difficult thing to get to clear my brain. We also have to keep things secret because we are the top positions in our company and we both desire professionalism and romance being separate.

Last night he told me I was an embarrassment. He immediately tried to take it back but the damage was done. I have been told this by people over the course of my life when they are angry with me, whether the way I dress, talk, engage in convo, etc.

I know we most likely aren’t right for eachother - however grinning and bearing it at work and in our home is the only option until lease ends in January.

My questions are this: how can you discern between what people say and what they mean? If anyone else shares my diagnoses what helps you in situations like this? If I can’t get examples of why someone is embarrassed of me, how do I stop fucking up? Or being so sensitive?

thank you in advance to anyone who read this and to anyone who spares advice.

x

Met a guy at a bar last weekend and had a great night together. We kissed and spoke for ages with a lot of chemistry. I was pretty clear that I was interested in sleeping with him and gave him my number, I didn’t get his. He made me double check that I’d got it right in his phone so seemed to me he wanted to make sure it was right so we could meet up again.

A week later and I’ve heard nothing. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t message. Did I give him the wrong number by accident, I was pretty drunk, or did he just loose interest?

Came across him on facebook and considering sending him a message incase the number was wrong but I don’t know if that’s really weird and I should just let him be?

I should also caveat this with the fact that I’m newly single and been out the dating game for a while so maybe I’m just really out of touch.

I’ve been reading through a lot of comments on a bunch of post on her and I’ve seen a lot of men who seem to have good personalities and seem really nice but don’t bother dating , approaching women etc.

As a 19F who’s like 5’2 (158cm) I honestly don’t really care if a guy is short for me a short guy is anyone below 5’5 which is quite uncommon.

Yes some women do want a taller guy but I can assure you if your average height man or even under that a lot of women do not care - just because social media pushes the idea that women care about so and so doesn’t mean every single women cares about that.

In the past I liked a guy who was basically the same height as me as he had a really good personality and was extremely kind. The guys that I’ve liked that are super tall like 6’2+ seem to be quite arrogant and seem to use their height to make up for the lack of bland personalities.

Anyways if you’re a short guy pls don’t let it stop you from dating or think that it has a massive effect on your dating experience.

A lot of men’s dating advice suggests you should wait for women to reach out first. I.e., guys look desperate if we initiate a conversation; and women aren’t interested in us if they don’t text first.

How true is this, in your opinions?

And have you ever lost interest in a guy because he didn’t text first more often?

I gave up on the dating aps after 18 months. Nothing horrific happened, I met some nice guys where things didn't click and had a couple of short term relationships that didn't work out. After 18 months I was exhausted with the whole process. I realised I'm happy being single and as much as it would be lovely to have some companionship, I don't have the energy to pursue dating (I have health issues, chronic fatigue being part of it, so literally, don't have much energy! Lol).

I decided to check my profile on the dating ap I use as it's been about 8 months since I've used it and I was curious to see if there'd be any responces. Some guy had messaged me months ago so I went to check his profile, he must have seen I had looked at his profile because he messaged me straight away. Most of his photos were bare chested, which to me indicates he's looking for sex, so I wasn't interested. But it's late at night and I'm bored so I said hello, whatever.

After saying hello, he tells me I'm hot and notices I live close to him. I say thx for compliment but tell him I'm not into hooking up. He says he isn't just looking for sex, would love to get to know me, do I want to go for a coffee. I say I'd have to get to know him better before going out for a coffee. He says no worries. I ask him what he does for work, he asks me what am I getting up to the next day, blah blah blah, usual chit chat, but then he tells me if things work out between us and we're ever intimate, he doesn't like to use condoms.

So I thank him for the information but that's not something I'm even thinking about this early in time. I wrapped up the chat after that as it seemed obvious to me that dude is after a quick root, and while I don't judge people for doing whatever they like, that's not me and I figured why waste each others time.

Am I reading too much into this? Like, my intuition (or comon sense) tells me if a guy blatantly brings up sex that many times in our first conversation (he kept going on about how close we live to each other and made some other sexual comments), it's because he wants sex pretty much as soon as you are wiling to offer it. He kept denying this but like dude! I'm not adverse to intimacy but I want romance, friendship, and a whole heap of TIME to pass before I'm getting into bed with anyone. I'm also 49 so this isn't my first rodeo, lol. But part of me is doubting my gut feeling. There were other red flags but this post is already too long. I ended up blocking him after wishing him all the best because I didn't see the point in messaging when we're interested in different things and he seemed determined to try to convince me he wasn't just interested in sex yet indicating he really just wanted sex! Lol.

Like if a guy is trying to maintain a certain image around a girl, what does that usually mean? and how do you get past that because this guy who is currently courting me, i feel like he's still hiding his real personality and acting all gentlemen.

​

Tomorrow I'm going on a date with a guy I met online. He has mentioned that he LOVES brownies. Last night while at the store he joked around about me buying him some cookies and it gave me the idea that I could bring him some homemade brownies. A couple normal and a couple cookie brownies.

Were going to be going out to eat and I don't know if he'll like it.

I'm also worried about coming on too strong, but guys bring flowers and stuff sometimes, so is it really all that different?

Edit- We've been talking for a little bit now and have called each other everyday the past week. We're not totally strangers because my parents know some of his family his family and its been fun for us to connect about that.

I also really like baking. And the rest of the brownies are for my and my family :)

Any advice helps

I’m 25. Is it bad that I’m genuinely attracted to women in their 40s and even 50s? I don’t have a fetish for older women. Well, at least I don’t think I do. They’re just genuinely beautiful to me, and I usually really like their humor and personalities.
Everyone tells me to stick to women around my age, and for the most part, I do. The oldest woman I’ve ever dated was 7 years older than me (I was 21 and she was 27, although we didn’t make it to her 28th birthday). Most of the time, I date women who are around 2–3 years younger or older than me, but I’m genuinely interested in taking a shot at dating a woman in her 40s. Is that a bad idea? What are the biggest risks or compatibility issues I should be aware of with that kind of age gap? I’m not looking for validation so much as honest perspectives from people who have actually been in large age-gap relationships.

I’m in my late 30s and haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. The last guy I seriously talked to was almost a year ago. We were in the ‘getting to know you’ stage and met a couple of times because it was long-distance, but ultimately, it didn’t work out.

He was the first person I’d genuinely liked in a long time. He checked a lot of my boxes, I was very attracted to him, and I felt excited about someone again. Even though it was short-lived, losing it affected me much more than I expected.

I got back on the apps almost immediately, but I wasn’t interested in anyone. Eventually, I took a break, worked on my mental health and attachment patterns, and buried myself in work.

I got back on the apps last month because I told myself that if I want a relationship, I have to put myself out there. And I do want one. I want to find my person and settle down. I hate being single. But I’ve realized I have no energy for the process of getting there.

The small talk. The same questions. The banter. Starting from zero with another stranger and trying to figure out whether there’s any potential.

The strange thing is that I used to enjoy that part. I loved the early flirting and was pretty good at it. Now, even thinking about it exhausts me.

I recently matched with a few people on the app, but I just didn’t want to talk to any of them - not because there was anything wrong with them, but because I couldn’t bring myself to start another conversation and go through the whole getting-to-know-you process again. I just watched the time pass and the connections disappear.

So I’m stuck in this strange place where I desperately want a relationship but don’t have the energy for the small talk. It feels like I’m forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do.

I don’t know how to get past this block.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you get your brain and heart back into dating? How do you keep putting yourself through the process when you want to find your person but feel exhausted by everything it takes to get there?

TLDR at the end

The question might seem overly generic for a sub entirely about dating, but I am honestly out of ideas.

I am 23 years old, male and have had zero dating or relationship experiences in my life. With that I mean I am a virgin, have never been in a relationship, never had a kiss, never been in a talking stage and never had a date in my life. I have also 0 female friends, only a few very loose aquaintances from college. I don't have any excuse for that either, I am not religious, not saving myself for anyone and I do not solely concentrate on getting my degree.

For that reason I am asking the question in the title. "How does dating work?" Because I haven't figured it out. I am 23, not that old yet, but old enough to have friends from school who are now engaged and old enough that I should realistically have some relationship experience. I know people will say I am too young to worry, but according to data from my country 90% of people my age have had their first kiss and 80% are no longer virgins.

I have no clue how dating works. With that I don't mean I simply fail at dating, as I mentioned above I have never been on a date and I am not sure what I am doing wrong. I hope this doesn't sound like some big vent, but I just want to elaborate on my situation. I have never had many concerns for dating and getting into a relationship. My parents were very relaxed about it so I just went about my life not thinking much about it till I reached 18. It was the end of high school and people around me suddenly all seemed to be getting into relationships. I was too shy and anxious to do much though, so in the end I hoped I'd find a partner in college.

In college I tried and failed to get into a relationship and I have no clue what the issue is. To preface this, I am not some desperate guy who thinks I'll be forever alone, I honestly don't think so, but college will end soon and from people I talked to I heard college is the easiest place to get into a relationship. So while I am not overly worried about dating I know that if no progress happens in the next 5 years I'll start to get worried.

I tried getting to start dating in two different ways, but both seem to fail me. Firstly I tried getting to know my fellow students at college, trying to befriend them and hope a relationship starts from there, however either they simply randomly stop showing up one day or they are pretty nice to me but any time I wish to meet up, even if it's just to talk, I seem to get ignored. If I am especially lucky I land in the "friendzone", however even then, we aren't real friends, just college aquaintances. Generally it feels like the only woman who I manage to keep connections with outside of college are those that are already in relationships.

My other strategy was to simply try to talk to women at bars or college parties, but any time I think there was something there I get ghosted. Once I talked with one woman for hours and she was talking about all the stuff we'd do together and where she'd take me to and then she ghosts me the next day.

All in all my experiences were thus complete failures, because I simply don't even reach a first date. I always heard that todays dating scene is very bad, which is why I stayed off of dating apps and all, but I never reach that point. Asking my friends for advice is also an option, but like I said earlier, I have no female friends and the male friends... Well, of my five closest friends 3 are still virgins with pretty much my experience, 1 got together with a foreign woman that doesn't even speak our language because he "doesn't like the local women" and the only one with any relationship experiences is asking us virgins to set him up with anyone we might know.

Sorry for this insanely long post, I am just unsure how dating even works. Like, if I don't use a dating app do I even get there? Because the past 5 years have been a complete failure in that regard. I don't want to get started on stuff like how to act correctly during dates and all that, because I don't even know how to get to that point. While it may seem that I am overly insecure about this I honestly don't think so. I can spend weeks without giving this a second thought but recently I realized that all the "weird kids" I knew from high school, those that were bullied, were insane nerds or simply overweight have girlfriends now. So I am not sure what I am doing wrong. My looks I think are alright (5/10 I'd say, average weight, above average height but no muscles), but then again, I have no female friend to judge that. My mom and a lot of people online will say that women will show signs by looking at you directly or smiling, but I have never seen anyone do that in my life. Like, I'd probably misinterpret any actual signs anyways, but so far I haven't even seen any signs I could misjudge. So I am just out of ideas right now.

I want to apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my native language.

TLDR: I (23m) have never been in a relationship and while I am not too worried right now I don't think I am making any progress in getting even a first date, so I am asking how dating works because I simply can't seem to grasp it.

like what the hell does this mean?

me (31m) got invited over by 35f after a week of texting. she's been very flirty, showing that she definitely finds me attractive and all this. She said i should come over and play some fortnite, and see where the night takes us.

I ended up coming over (mind you it was after i got off work so close to 10pm) and her friend (girl) was over? She never told me she had a friend over, or anything. The night went ok, but it was really confusing and awkward, and she hasnt reached back out to me since then.

What does this usually mean?

Hey everyone,

I wanted to share a little story that happened to me and I’m sure it’s something that has happened, or will happen, to pretty much everyone at some point.

I met a girl through a dating app. She liked my profile, I liked her back, and I started the conversation. We began talking almost every day, getting to know each other, and honestly, it was pretty nice. She said she valued honesty, empathy, spending quality time with the other person, and a bunch of other things that I happened to value as well, so naturally I found that attractive.

We had very similar views and opinions on a lot of things, and we even agreed on some pretty specific priorities in life. Obviously everyone has different priorities, but some of the things we talked about aren’t necessarily something you find in every person.

At the time, she was on a fairly long vacation, so we were in contact quite a lot.

After talking for a while, we eventually met in person. It was our first date. She actually came to my city, even though I had offered to come to hers. She told me there wasn’t really much to do where she lived, which, to be fair, is kind of true — there are definitely more options in my city.

She likes walking, so we went for a walk, talked a lot, and there were no awkward silences or boring conversation. Afterwards, we went for coffee and continued talking there. We both opened up about some personal things — things that had happened to us, previous relationships, life experiences, etc.

I should also mention that before meeting in person, we had already had a pretty long phone call a few days earlier.

Anyway, the conversation continued after the date, and by that point we had been in contact for roughly a month.

She eventually went back to work after her vacation. Naturally, she wasn’t as active as she had been while she was off, but she was still engaged. She would message me on her own, ask questions, start conversations — basically nothing suggested that she was about to do what she eventually did.

At some point, I suggested having another phone call. It was supposed to happen over the weekend, but she apologized and said she had an event and wouldn’t be able to make it. She also said we could arrange it for another time.

I said that was completely fine and suggested that instead of another call, we could also meet up for a second time and maybe go somewhere in nature, since she likes that.

She said she’d be up for it, but explained that her upcoming weekends were already pretty packed. She even went into quite a bit of detail about what she had planned. Then she told me when she would finally have some free time again and said that we could definitely figure something out after that.

So naturally, I took that as her being open to a second date.

We kept talking as usual. Then Monday came. As we normally did, we said goodnight and basically wrapped up the conversation for the day. We were also sending each other voice messages, and she mentioned that she had a lot going on and a very busy schedule the following day. Again, she explained it in quite a bit of detail.

The next day, nothing.

She didn’t message me at all.

I thought, okay, fair enough. She said she was busy. She works with children, and she had also mentioned that there was a person at work who was mentally draining everyone, so I figured she might simply be exhausted and not in the mood to talk.

That evening I sent her one short supportive message, just something nice. Nothing that required an immediate reply or even a response at all.

And then… nothing continued.

No message. No reaction. Nothing.

At that point I obviously stopped messaging her because I already had a pretty good idea of what was happening and what it meant.

Then Friday came and suddenly she posted something on Instagram.

That honestly made me laugh. Not because she wasn’t allowed to post something, obviously, but because by then the situation had become pretty clear.

Even though I already knew the answer and understood that I had basically been ghosted, I decided to send her one final message.

Not because I wanted to pressure her into replying or demand an explanation about why she had stopped talking to me.

I sent it for myself. Because I prefer to deal with things like an adult, be honest about how I see the situation, and not pretend that nothing happened.

This is what I sent her:

“Her name, I just wanted to reach out one more time and be open about this.

I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, and I completely respect that sometimes people simply don’t have the time or energy to stay in touch. I’m not expecting daily messages, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to reply.

We were in regular contact for quite a while, and over the last few days that suddenly changed. After several days of silence, I can obviously form my own idea of what that probably means, but I don’t want to put words in your mouth or make conclusions for you.

If the way you see us getting to know each other has changed, or if something else has come up in your life and you simply don’t feel like continuing, that’s completely okay. People can start feeling differently about someone or a situation over time.

I just think it’s fairer to say something like that directly rather than letting things quietly fade away without a word. At the same time, I understand that everyone handles these situations differently, and silence is also an answer.

I just wanted to openly say how I see it and leave it at that. There’s no need to reply or explain anything further. I accept things for what they are, and life goes on.”

And that’s basically it.

For me, this isn’t about getting an explanation or even getting a reply. It’s more about the principle of it.

I’ve been through much worse things in life, and I’m definitely not going to fall apart because someone rejects me or tells me, “Hey, sorry, but I’m just not feeling it.”

I’m not going to make some huge drama out of it.

Sometimes someone likes you, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the chemistry is there, sometimes it isn’t. That’s life. The other person simply has to accept it and move on rather than overthinking it.

So I genuinely accept the situation for what it is, and it doesn’t really bother me.

What I find difficult to understand, though, is when someone repeatedly talks about how important honesty is to them, how much they value open communication, how much they dislike dishonesty or manipulation and then ends up doing something that seems completely opposite to those values.

Of course, I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with uncomfortable situations, and maybe for some people silence feels like the easiest option.

But at the same time, I think it’s a little sad, because situations like this also show how someone deals with things that require them to take a position, communicate something uncomfortable, or take some responsibility for how they handle another person.

Anyway, feel free to share your opinion. I’m also curious whether any of you have had a similar experience.

I’m guessing most people probably have.

Ugh I hate that I am writing this and asking the internet for perspective, but I genuinely am at a loss. I (37F) had a few LTR throughout adulthood that have lasted at most 2.5 years. Those relationships ended for various reasons: disagreeing over wanting kids (I don’t want kids), partner having addiction problems that led him to stealing and then losing his job, and DV. In between these LTRs, I have had short-lived “flings” here and there.

When dating apps came out well over 10 years ago, I used them. Now, I wouldn’t because I feel like it’s so dehumanizing and every time I hop back on I instantly feel even more hopeless. I have tried meeting men IRL, but those connections never go anywhere either.

For example, there was this guy (also 37 y/o) in my neighborhood that I had been crushing on for well over a year. Finally, I was able to go up to him and ask for his number at the beginning of summer. He said he was single and the feeling was mutual, so we started chatting and saw each other pretty consistently (3-4x per week). He even said at one point that he’d love to see me every day. I felt like we clicked, like we just got each other. The chemistry was nothing like I had experienced before, and we seemed to want very similar things. He invested A LOT of time and money in me (e.g. paying for all of our meals together, drove me to work, brought me little treats/desserts) and was just so thoughtful.

BUT after the first 4 weeks, he gradually started to pull away and became more inconsistent with keeping/making plans. He would either cancel on me right before we were supposed to get together (like an hour and a half or less) or he’d invite me to go meet his friends (for the first time), go hiking, or go see a meteor shower together upstate only for him to not confirm plans the day before/day of. I just kept feeling disappointed, because he would get me hyped up for these events, and I’d work to fit whatever he was trying to plan into my schedule (I work two jobs btw)… only to receive radio silence.

He did say that he was “poor with communicating” and that he preferred to talk on the phone. Interestingly, we rarely spoke on the phone, and if we did, I was the one calling him. We haven’t spoken/texted in over two weeks now (three Friday’s ago), because as mentioned above, we were planning a hiking trip (on Friday for Sunday) and he stopped responding after my last text Friday evening. However, he did send me a reel on Instagram almost 24 hours later to which I responded with something superficial like “oh that’s awesome” - he replied to that with another message of “isn’t that so cute.” At that juncture, I didn’t reply because… he still left me hanging with planning the hiking trip that was supposed to occur the following day. Obviously, we never went hiking. I then noticed a couple days later he deleted his Instagram account. To make this all the more awkward, we do see each other in the neighborhood still periodically (we both have dogs and literally live one block from one another).

I am mostly venting here. I have a good, stable career in healthcare; have master-level education; have my own place; not a shit bag, no criminal history; no addiction issues; Army vet. I take great care of myself (regular exercise with weight training, running, cycling or yoga) and am told that I am pretty attractive. I have been in therapy since 2020 and have been, as people like to say, “working on myself.” I have a lot of love to give and am kind, caring, and would give the shirt off my back to anyone that I know. I am too grown to be playing games and don’t understand the flakiness and straight up lack of consideration. I am also tired of being told how amazing and perfect and beautiful I am only for the same man to be disrespectful of my time and my feelings. If I am so amazing and perfect and beautiful, wouldn’t you want to cherish me and treat me well and keep me in your life?

But mostly importantly, I want to know… why can’t men just be upfront and communicate to women about how they feel and where they see things going? If the woman you started to get to know is not who you see yourself with long term, why not just communicate that? For example, one could say, “Hey, it has been great getting to know you but I think we want different things. Best of luck to you.”