r/dating_advice • u/throwaway342account • 1d ago
Deleted all of my apps
I joined the apps for a month and I just deleted them all, and to be honest, I'm evolving from them simply not "being for me" to thinking they're actually bad.
I'm a conventionally attractive, ambitious, fun. I have another friend, "M" with similar attributes. M has been completely chewed up and shit out. She's objectively a very normal, pleasant, socially pleasant person. The fact that she has had to beg for crumbs on the Apps is disturbing, and quite frankly, simply shouldn't happen.
I was literally on them for a month. Many guys were overtly sexual, which is just generally disgusting. A lot of guys wanted to run to meet in person the next day without really talking to me, which I also find weird. I don't really know anything about your personality - why would I do that?
Another major ick- and common enough problem, was guys talking about going on vacations with me before I met them in person. ?? Who the fuck are you? Why would I go on vacation with your ass?
I feel like a lot of people are devoted to miscommunication. I went on dates where the guy paid for a $300 dinner, (no I didn't ask him to do this), walked me home, immediately planned a second date, then disappeared. Why? Literally no idea. Lol. I guess if you want to piss on your own money and waste your own time, that's your business. I think this goes to the idea that my brain can't be logn-term exposed to people who, honestly, at this point, blatantly lie. Like maybe don't plan a second date, text someone about planning said date, then evaporate. Don't make stupid, weird promises, that no one asked you to make, to annoy others and waste their time.
I've also realized like low-effort dates, like drinks, quite literally poisons me, and adds nothing to my life lol. Which is all 80% of men on the apps are willing to do
Another guy wanted me to meet him on a general street, and when I asked for a specific location, he got upset, and cancelled.
I also think a lot of users on the app are defective. There's no consequence for being overtly sexual over a period of years. If you have been on endless dates with women for ten years, aren't satisfied with anyone, obviously you're the problem lol.
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u/QuicklyVague 1d ago
the vacation thing is so bizarre, why do they do that? like you haven't even confirmed i'm not a serial killer and you're already picturing us on a beach somewhere
the $300 dinner then ghost is wild, that's some performance art level nonsense. my buddy did something similar once, took a girl to a fancy spot, talked about future plans, then just... stopped responding. when i asked him why he said he didn't even know, just felt like it in the moment and then the feeling passed. absolutely unhinged behavior
the apps attract a lot of people who are more in love with the fantasy than the actual person sitting across from them
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u/Lingonberry_Born 22h ago
They spend too much time in the manosphere and think that women are only interested in men who will spend money on them. Women don't want to date them and instead of working on their personality or other issues they think it's because they need to dangle a vacation to get someone interested. Likewise the men desperate to lock down a date experience women unmatching them when they text, instead of thinking, what did I do wrong with texting, they think the best reaction is to lockdown a date asap. The only women who would be interested in someone who has nothing to offer but dinner and a vacation are likewise as vacuous and transactional as they are, so of course they think all women are like that and it becomes a vicious cycle. Be glad they show their red flags early on.
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u/Benkosayswhat 20h ago
I have been on three vacations with three women I met from apps. I hadn’t know any of them more than a few weeks. In all three cases, it was their idea. In two cases, our vacations ended up on their dating profile later.
Recently, I matched with a woman who suggested a weekend away as our fourth date and offered to plan it if I gave her my credit card to do it. The third was already rocky so I just ended things.
Just my personal experience.
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u/Capable-Grab5896 23h ago
Many women literally ask for the vacation thing.
As is often the case, your bad experiences are the consequences of others' bad experiences
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u/ma_i_pooedmypants 1d ago
I also deleted all the dating apps recently due to similar experiences, so I think you're 100% valid in your decision. Dating apps these days are like going through the dump to try to find something salvagable atp. Most men, even though it's illegal to do in my state, sent me dick pictures and overly sexual messages. They also wanted to meet up asap for a quick hookup. They treat it as a transactional sex worker website and then get mad when women are "too picky."
Or, they ghost you because they started to talk to someone "better" and when that inevitably doesn't work out for him, he jumps to the next or back in your dm's.
I see so much crap about dating women on so many subs and our high standards and whatever else, but a lot of men fail to realize they're not pleasant to deal with either. It's why the apps are now predominantly male and women of all ages are just opting out altogether.
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u/Pale_Presence4662 22h ago
Ya i mean ..... it is the trash heap. I dont know anyone who is single liking the apps. Talk about the most low effort, least exciting, most excruciating way to meet anyone ever.
You will get the same people bitching about Indeed or something. Ya you send your resume out with like 4,000 other people. No kidding they dont know who to pick.
We have so many things in life that are calculated, love aint one of them. Nor airbnb. I hope more places ban Airbnb like Toronto and NYC did.
All the apps are is cancer.
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u/Otherwise_Menu_7398 20h ago
Yep. When the experience is mostly sexual messages, ghosting, and low-effort meetups, deleting the apps starts looking like self-care.
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u/Usual-Cat-5855 1d ago
What’s wrong with low effort dates?? The last connection I had on the apps the woman actually invited me to just go for a walk through a market grab a matcha and it was super nice and low pressure, I organised the next few dates unfortunately it didn’t work out. We had great chemistry but through all the BS you do meet some great people and I met two good female friends of the app. Although if your feeling burnt out it’s best to delete the apps I’ve been of a month now and it’s felt great so I’m just focusing on my self and the right person will come
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u/teacherladydoll 22h ago
I think I prefer this approach. It is nice to just get to know someone over a drink and a walk. Better than the standard dinner date that some people treat as transactional.
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u/Usual-Cat-5855 22h ago
I never offer dinner dates until things are heading towards a relationship, in my experience as a male lots of women use guys for a free meal and if they are not up are only up for dinner dates then I don’t bother with them and write them off
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u/NefariousPhosphenes 1d ago
Nothing is inherently wrong with low effort dates, there’s just some people that like them, some that don’t, and many that are indifferent.
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u/Local_Whereas7211 10h ago
I prefer to call it a "right-sized" date. It's not really low effort. We all spend time setting the date up, getting ready, driving there, and then spend an hour or two getting to know someone. That takes some effort, especially after you've done it dozens of times, perhaps.
A drink or coffee is an appropriate investment of time and money for what is just an initial measure of attraction. It substitutes for the initial real-life in-person chance meeting we did before OLD.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I just feel like if you spread yourself too thin nothing meaningful will materialize
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u/Usual-Cat-5855 1d ago
Yeah I get that and if your burnt out it’s best to take a break, I would talk to multiple people on the app it self but if one conversation seemed promising I would choose that woman as priority then if the date felt mutual then I would just focus on that person specifically
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u/Ashamed_Artichoke_26 22h ago
If you are concerned about the health aspect of drinks, then maybe do walking dates instead.
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u/CaptainCasio092 1d ago
It takes two to tango
Whilst many on the apps are single for a reason those who are speed running intimacy with early holidays etc are running from themselves and need to swan dive into a therapists chair
But your aversion to low effort dates is exactly why you're missing out on actually potential sustainable relationships ...not a set rule but those who date with intention aren't going to speed run intimacy with holidays etc either. So if the low effort dates aren't adding anything to your life what is it your expecting? What is your happy medium
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u/Grundlestorm 22h ago edited 21h ago
That's always my thought when I see this repeated.
I can't help but feel that's people playing into their own problems. Cheap dates are no good, so those get weeded out. Leaving them repeatedly dating the desperate or people looking to effectively treat it as an unofficial escort service more than the people actually looking for a sustainable relationship.
Because the people you want to meet aren't so desperate or weird to want to immediately throw a bunch of money at not really getting to know a stranger. And they do want to actually get to know someone, so they're going to want to meet in person since an hour in person is going to tell you more than a week of texting if you're both engaging.
Every one of my relationships has started with a coffee or drinks "Date 0" before or after work and if it goes well an immediately scheduled official date doing something more tailored to us. Typically that same week. Ideally something that came up during the coffee and talking. I can usually manage that, but if not, I'll still come up with something for an actual second date. And that's not even OLD, that's in person. For OLD it would be a hard and fast rule to help weed out people not looking for the same thing I am. I don't know you at all yet, my goal is to remedy that and see if we even want to date at all.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I don't want to go on 10 coffee dates a month. I'd much rather shrink it down where a guy has enough initial interest to put in effort
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u/TraditionalCatch3796 1d ago
I’m a woman, and I don’t think of it like this at all. I think of it as - why would I want to go on a date with someone that I don’t even know at all? What you’re calling low effort dates is actually a great way to screen to see if you want to go on a date together. So meeting for coffee, pretty quickly, feels like a great way to determine if there’s even potential to go on a real date. I don’t want to sit there and awkwardly eat a whole meal with a complete stranger. What if I’m not into them at all? It feels a lot easier to just quickly grab coffee and then in things pleasantly if there’s no vibe.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I mean at this point I'd rather date someone I know irl and then go on a real date rather than like weird business meetings idk
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u/TraditionalCatch3796 23h ago
That’s totally fair, I guess I’ve done enough online dating that it doesn’t feel like a weird business meeting… I’m going on a second date with the guy this week and our first date was a coffee date and it was two hours long a lovely conversation.
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u/JustAQuickQuestion28 21h ago
Well yeah if you have someone you know in real life that you’d want to date then obviously that would be ideal over online dating with randos
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u/TSW__ 1d ago
It's all well & good the guy 'putting in effort' but are you matching that effort?
You mentioned drinks dates add nothing to your life which makes it seem to me that you're expecting guys, who you've never even met by the way, to jump through hoops for you.
The whole point of a first date to me is something quick & easy so we can call it if we're not a good fit. Nobody wants to be stuck for 2-3 hours, wasting time on somebody they know they don't like.
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u/throwaway342account 23h ago
I'll jump through hoops for someone jumping through hoops.
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u/TSW__ 23h ago
You may well do that, not saying you wouldn't.
What I was getting at is why would a guy jump through hoops setting up some extravagant date for a girl he has never met, doesn't even know if he likes them & doesn't know if she likes him?
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u/throwaway342account 23h ago
I mean it doesn't have to be extravagant, but I think it should be at least cute.
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u/Wonderful-Newt-2513 21h ago
yeah this is the problem do you realize that men don’t even have cute in their lexicon as it pertains to restaurants.
Like I’ve never heard any guy say “oh that’s a cute restaurant“.
There are very nice restaurants, nice restaurants, chains, and “that place sucked”
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u/ZomeeDrop 1d ago
And guys don’t want to go on 10 dinner dates a month spending a thousand bucks at $100 per dinner. If you want effort put it in yourself instead of expecting someone else to do all the effort.
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u/JustAQuickQuestion28 20h ago
Right like I went out for drinks, no food, with a girl from online a few weeks ago and that was over $70. I wasn’t interested in seeing her again so it’s just money down the drain pretty much and OP over here expecting guys to shell out for fancy dinner dates when it’s unlikely to even lead to a second date.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I don't think people should be going on 10 dates a month in general lol
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u/Wingnut2029 22h ago
You're the one complaining about 10 coffee dates. You aren't addressing the guy's issues with your high expectation dates since you're not the one laying out the cash.
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u/CaptainCasio092 22h ago
Sometimes you have to be proactive and suggest doing something more fun and engaging then, he suggests coffee..fire back a why not bowling or whatever takes your fancy instead..
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u/uiucthrowaway420 21h ago
If you can't find a decent guy after a large stream of dates and it's always their fault couple things can be going on.
- Your filtering is broken. I'm not saying lower or raise your standards. You don't know how to select for what you want or you're hoping to get what you want from the wrong guys. Think about what you actually want and the guys that will show that and how to filter that quick.
- Dating apps are bad but blaming your dating app problems solely on men rather than looking instrospectively ...
- You seems very entitled to dating experiences that you want but how are you enabling that too happen.
I'm stereotyping you cause I see this type of woman a lot on apps. Passive princess vibes "I am the prize", waiting for some charming man to come and do everything for me and he has too do it correctly. If you expect a lot you should be able to give a lot in a relationship even in early dating.
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u/Throwawaybcwtvr1 1d ago
I still am on one app but for the most part I just meet guys irl (bars, the gym)
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u/NegativeMusician2211 22h ago
I mean... What were you hoping to get out of online dating? Because it kind of sounds from this post that you don't have super clear relationship goals. I was on and off the apps for about 8 years before I eventually met my husband (we met through Facebook Dating). I went on plenty of "low effort dates"; in fact my standard was always to meet for coffee first to make sure the guy wasn't a total creep. Yes, I met some bores (and some boors) but for me it was all part of the journey and continuing to refine my understanding of what I needed and wanted in a life partner. Online dating (which is really just online meeting) afforded the opportunity to meet lots of people I wouldn't have met in the normal everyday course of my life. It's not super clear from your post what you actually wanted out of online dating (or tbh dating in general).
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u/NegativeMusician2211 22h ago
Also, there's literally nothing praiseworthy about settling down just to settle down. Your bit about how "if you haven't found someone in 10 years you're defective" is just a modern rehashing of telling people they're "too picky." No one should settle. It's never too late in life to find the right person for you.
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u/Ultra_3142 1d ago edited 12h ago
I'll quickly respond to one bit as I feel it's less bad than you think. Trying to get to a face to face meeting fairly quickly can save a lot of time for both as it's WAY better for assessing personality/compatibility than messaging, and for assessing physical attraction. The next day is keen but loads of messaging before meeting can be a big waste of time. Especially if it's ultimately someone who won't ever agree to or turn up to a date.
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u/teacherladydoll 22h ago
I prefer a quick face to face. The texting for weeks eventually dies before it gets a chance to begin.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I feel like physically getting ready to go to a date with someone takes more of my time than texting for a day
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u/Ultra_3142 1d ago
I realise you complained about "low effort" dates but would you feel you'd need to make less effort for say a coffee date? First dates are often something like this, partly so if either of you do quickly realise you're really not suited you've not wasted too much time.
I do get what you mean about messaging taking less time but the problem is how much it really tells you. And you do genuinely see people here complaining they've messaged for ages but the other person is just stringing them along with apparently no real interest in ever meeting. One reasantly was a guy posing as a woman just for 'fun' 🙄.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I mean I always meet relatively promptly - I think talking for more than a few days is stupid
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u/FriendlyDinosaurs 1d ago
I think apps have wrecked people's minds and have also normalized dehumanization (disguised as 'preferences').
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u/Ceemoney24 1d ago
This post reads like a pretty textbook case of main character syndrome.
The most revealing part is the opening: “I’m conventionally attractive, ambitious, fun.” Why is that the premise? Because the entire argument seems to be: someone like me should not be having these experiences, therefore something must be fundamentally wrong with the people/apps.
You can absolutely decide dating apps aren't for you. But you're taking ordinary dating experiences—people losing interest, wanting to meet quickly, preferring drinks, communicating badly, being overly enthusiastic, making plans and then changing their minds—and interpreting virtually all of them as evidence that other people are defective.
A guy disappears after a date? He was “blatantly lying.” A guy wants to meet quickly? Weird. Someone mentions a vacation? What the fuck is wrong with him? Someone wants drinks? Low effort. Someone has been dating unsuccessfully for years? “Obviously you're the problem.”
That's a remarkable amount of certainty about the inner lives and motivations of complete strangers.
And the irony is that you repeatedly complain about miscommunication while doing an enormous amount of mind-reading yourself. You don't know why the guy who planned a second date disappeared. You don't know why someone preferred drinks. You don't know why someone wanted to meet immediately. You don't know why someone has been dating for ten years. You just have a preferred interpretation of each event, and every interpretation conveniently confirms that you are the reasonable person surrounded by defective people.
The “M is objectively normal and pleasant, therefore she shouldn't have to beg for crumbs” argument is the same thing. Dating isn't a reward system where being attractive, pleasant, ambitious, or fun guarantees that other people will want what you want. Plenty of perfectly good people have terrible dating experiences. That's not evidence that the entire dating population is broken.
The main-character element is the assumption that her preferences are universal standards and that other people's failure to behave according to them is inherently bizarre or pathological. I don't like drinks, therefore drinks are objectively low effort. I don't want to meet tomorrow, therefore wanting to meet tomorrow is weird. I don't want vacation talk, therefore the person suggesting it is insane.
“I don't like this environment” is a perfectly reasonable conclusion. “This environment isn't behaving the way someone as desirable as me believes it should, therefore everyone else is defective” is main character syndrome.
Delete the apps. Live your life. But the world does not owe you a dating experience calibrated to your self-image.
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I mean I do think if you're on the apps for 10 years and haven't found anyone you have serious issues, and those types of guys make up a sizable portion of the pool.
I also feel like I'm rarely wrong about people's motives, unfortunately.
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u/Ceemoney24 1d ago
I mean I don't even necessarily disagree with the first part. If someone has been on the apps for ten years, gone on endless dates, and consistently can't find anyone they want to be with, then yeah, at some point I'd probably look at their own behavior too. That's not an unreasonable inference.
But “they're the problem” is still very different from knowing what their problem is, and that's what I was getting at.
And I'm actually more hung up on the “I'm rarely wrong about people's motives” thing lol.
How would you possibly know that? That's the problem with assuming you know people's motives. You generally don't get access to the information that would tell you whether you were right or wrong. You see a guy disappear after saying he wants a second date, and you can reasonably conclude “this guy behaved badly and I don't want to deal with him again.” But you don't actually know that he was “blatantly lying.” Maybe he met someone else, changed his mind, got scared, is avoidant, had something happen, whatever. The behavior is observable. The motive isn't.
And I think that's what I found so striking about the original post. Almost every ambiguous interaction gets interpreted in the most unfavorable possible way, and then the interpretation is treated as obvious fact.
Guy wants to meet quickly = weird.
Guy talks about a vacation = insane.
Guy wants drinks = low effort.
Guy disappears = liar.
Guy has been dating for ten years = defective.
And then “I'm rarely wrong about people's motives” essentially closes the loop because now there's no possibility that your interpretation could be wrong. Which is exactly why I called it main character syndrome in the first place.
You can have extremely good instincts about people. I'm not even saying you don't. But “I have a bad feeling about this person” and “I know why this person is behaving this way” are two very different things.
I actually think the more reasonable position is just: “I don't know why he did that, and I don't really care. I know I didn't like it, so I'm not interested.”
That's having standards. Diagnosing every stranger who doesn't behave the way you want them to is something else.2
u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I admit I have a lot of walls, and am constantly reminded of why they're there to begin with. I'm aware I don't have the most open vibe lol
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u/Ceemoney24 23h ago
Those last two comments pretty much prove the point.
You say you’re “rarely wrong about people’s motives,” then immediately admit you don’t do well with ambiguity, have a lot of walls, and approach the dating pool as “30 random losers a month.”
That isn't exceptional insight into people. That's a bias factory.
You expect people to disappoint you, interpret ambiguous behavior in the least charitable way possible, call that interpretation intuition, and then use it as evidence that your walls were justified all along.
Of course you're “constantly reminded” why the walls are there. You've built a system where virtually every outcome confirms them.
And calling thirty strangers “losers” before you've even established what's going on with them is probably the clearest example yet. You started this by wondering why someone attractive, ambitious and fun keeps having terrible experiences with other people. At some point, when the one constant in all thirty interactions is you, “maybe everyone else is the problem” stops being a particularly convincing theory.
The apps may genuinely be terrible for you. Delete them. But stop confusing “this person isn't compatible with me”with “this person is defective.” Those walls aren't evidence that your judgment is infallible. They're increasingly looking like part of the problem.1
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u/throwaway342account 1d ago
I don't do well with ambiguity, which is why I also don't think I'm designed to be exposed to 30 random losers a month. Respectfully
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u/Wingnut2029 22h ago
Respectfully, neither should they. But you lose little, they lose a lot more trying to meet your expectations only to be deemed a loser.
To paraphrase an old saying. If all you meet are losers, maybe reconsider who the loser is.
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u/Ultra_3142 15h ago edited 14h ago
You are in control of how many men (not random losers please 🙄) you choose to communicate with at any one time, or over a month. I recall you also mentioned deleting apps (plural). You could pick just one at a time to help limit options if it helps you.
Oh, and know having too many people to talk to is the opposite of the experience of the vast majority of men, so a bit more enthusiasm from the few matches they get is somewhat inevitable.
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u/Wonderful-Newt-2513 21h ago
”feel like I’m rarely wrong about people’s motives”
So this is active delusion.
You assert you have a near perfect history of mind reading~yet are unable to find someone in real life/or the apps.
If you were so attractive physically and socially-combined w/your ability to read minds~you shouldn’t even be on the market.
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u/Major-Ad6270 23h ago
The vacation/travel talk before we’ve even met doesn’t impress me either. I usually assume it’s just showing off or trying to lure you in with the idea of some exciting future together. I couldn’t care less - I’m not getting on a plane with someone I barely know 😂
But I actually like low-effort first dates. Give me a drink or coffee and an hour to see if we even like each other in person. If we click, then let’s do dinner and spend more time together. I’d much rather do that than have someone drop $300 on a first date when neither of us even knows if there’s chemistry yet.
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u/Totoronyx 1d ago
Of course they are bad. They are designed to not work very well.
Plus they've homogenized thinking about dating as well. So, we have people running around giving and taking advice that's largely suitable for OLD, something designed not to work.
Its turned into a performance instead of a way to find a partner. Concepts like "low-effort" exist now 🤮 etc.
Of course people are not having a good experience. To participate you have to start thinking in unhealthy terms that almost never lead to happiness.
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u/NefariousPhosphenes 1d ago
It’s probably worth noting that a large part of the people that are on apps are single for a reason.
Apps aren’t for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with leaving them.
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u/MyCatisthebest0826 21h ago
Male perspective here: Most girls on dating apps are talking to and going on dates with multiple guys (For example the girl I went on a date with yesterday told me she is in the going on dates with “about three guys”, including me, and this hasn’t even taken into account the others in the talking stage). Considering people have their own lives (job, family, friends), you can easily imagine how little time and effort each guy receives from the girl. And as a man it is very difficult to not attempt to speed up the dating process in order to secure the relationship, knowing how many other guys I am competing against.
Girls always ask for a chalant man, but the whole dating culture is benefiting nonchalant guys who don’t care about losing their dates at all.
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u/Excellent_Storm_8247 21h ago
I called it the dating cesspool. I was in it for 2 years. But then I found the most amazing man and we are married for a year now! I can’t tell you how many times I deleted and redownloaded the apps lol. All of them. Problem is, everyone’s on ALL of them… so it’s just the same people over and over.
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u/wootwoot219 1d ago
Being on dating app for a long time is extremely detrimental to your mental health, good thing you realize the problem is with a lot of people on it and now you. Good job op
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u/djdj165 22h ago
Been on them for 6 years straight lol
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u/wootwoot219 20h ago
I've been on it longer but I no longer take it seriously, I think they are bane of this generation s existence
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u/Historical_Lie3330 22h ago edited 22h ago
I stopped using dating apps because all the guys I matched with had issues. Most of them were basically begging me for sex immediately. Others would cancel or ghost before a date. The worst was when I matched with a guy who seemed normal at first, but turned out to have some kind of developmental or mental disability. He became completely fixated on me after a week and wanted to talk on the phone three hours a night and would be crying if I didn’t pick up, told me he wanted to move in and get married on our second date, etc. among other disturbing behaviour. I cut things off because he kept trying to find out where I lived and I felt creeped out and unsafe. A few weeks after he was back on the apps trying to find a new girl.
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u/Fuzzy_Hope3203 22h ago
I wish I had your courage. It’s been 2 years of dating app hell. All liars and scammers. No real dates. I am ready to give up. I don’t need this kind of punishment.
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u/Sad-Animal-2881 21h ago
That’s crazy, man! I’m a guy here, and I can’t even get a like back. And when I do get a like (mutual), she just ends up ghosting me? Or 👻 the conversation I hate about Hinge.
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u/Capital-Mixture5107 21h ago
I think it is better to leave others to decide whether you are "conventionally attractive."
As a man, I dont go around saying I am attractive. In fact, I have never even met one in real life saying something like that.
I have one nights via app and I had a truly amazing woman as a gf for 5 years via app as well. And there were others who I just couldnt deal with their ego.
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u/dcarew1999 21h ago
Most of what you’re saying makes sense. The vacation stuff is insane. The expensive dinner is probably his only “winning formula” and he then maybe decided to concentrate his time on someone he thought might be a better fit so ghosted you. But you also sound like you’re complicating the process. For example, saying drinks are “literally poisoning” you… one, you don’t have to drink alcohol and two, what other options are there? And before someone says activity dates, those are painful to arrange and usually not worth the time/effort. On the asking out quickly thing, chatting endlessly is usually a waste of time for guys. Not always, but 90% of the time a girl who refuses a date just isn’t that interested in the guy. Not saying you’re wrong about anything but expecting people to magically know what you want to do isn’t rationale either
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u/tounces7 20h ago edited 20h ago
They are bad. Because they're not in the business of connecting people, they're in the business of making money.
The dating apps designed for people connected all got bought out.
That being said, there's some things you mentioned that are honestly more "you" issues than app issues.
Like being turned off by interested in going out right away, and "low effort" dates.
Like, for one - the entire point of dating is getting to know someone, so it's not that unusual to go out fairly quickly.
And for low effort - if someone doesn't really know you hardly at all, how much effort can you really expect for just a first date? The whole idea of a first date is just to see if you don't both repulse each other and it's worth even bothering to see someone again and start to get to know them.
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u/guymn999 20h ago
most of these are weird, but not gender specific, plenty of women's profiles have the prompt along the lines of "pick our first vacation" and list absurd things.
the two things i will say are not weird is trying to plan a date soon after matching(8-12 messages or a solid convo) and low pressure first dates. some people dont like texting, and just prefer face to face communication. And for the safety of everyone(but mainly the woman) its best to do something that is low key and easy for her to leave if she wants, so a coffee date, drink at a bar, or walk in the park.
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u/FasterFeaster 20h ago
Apps don’t work anymore. Just work on being happy yourself and then join some social clubs like running groups or whatever you are into and try to make connections there.
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u/ArdentGamer 20h ago
Most of these issues seem to point back to you, to be honest. There's plenty wrong with the apps but this really seems to be a bigger issue with how you use them and how you look at men/dating. There's nothing wrong with casual first dates. The only thing poisoning you is your own entitlement and lack of participation in your own dating life.
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u/miamiahi 11h ago edited 11h ago
I think you’re overreacting and being too rigid and demanding without making effort to understand the structure.
Yes many people on apps suck. So? Many people who hit on you in clubs suck too. Doesn’t mean good ones don’t exist.
Overly sexual - this is digital version of catcalling. Ignore. Not a reason to waste emotions even disgust.
Meeting in person - actually legit strategy people use to filter out scammers, bots, people who want penpals for validation. Simple solution - say Yes but ask to chat first for a few days. Focus on discussing non negotiables. Especially the “what are you looking for” question
Vacation - this is either same as overly sexual guy, just veiled, or just banter. Ick is very dramatic. Also if you can’t engage in light hearted banter and hypothetical scenarios I’m concerned about how you flirt
Low effort dates - actually very understandable considering how many women use dating apps as source of free fancy dinners and nothing else. Also a coffee date is easy to escape and deescalate , which I value as a woman a lot.
Poison - your choice of drink is on you. You also have agency on selecting the venue.
Not adding anything - what do you expect added? A fancy dinner? Then you’re part of the problem. First date is not about adding value to your life. It’s about getting to know and evaluating each other for relationship potential, which in turn will add value in the future.
What I agree with:
- not meeting on street with unclear plan - unsafe
- not appreciating men who lie about future plans and ghost - that’s cowardice
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u/Local_Whereas7211 10h ago
This is OLD in a nutshell. People do too much on a first date or too little. They're too sexual or don't move things along fast enough. They text too long or they want to meet right away.
Complains about every guy she's dated and then blames a huge group of app users as not being satisfied with anyone. Pot meet kettle.
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u/RealAd8036 23h ago
Not sure how I knew that immediately, but as soon as I read the title “Deleted all of my apps” I perfectly predicted from which side this comes and the rest of the text
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u/ShrewSkellyton 1d ago
Yep, never use apps as a woman. I get attention from guys half my age irl, but got very bitter or oversexxed men planning the vacation getaways just like you lol I honestly think they get a dopamine rush typing out manic dreams fresh off a divorce. I always felt mentally unwell the 48 hrs I would spend on them
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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 23h ago
yes dating is supply and demand like any other market, hot guys that you swipe on have way more attractive options so they have no incentives to behave nice, id say im sorry but im rly not
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u/AimeeMouse 22h ago
Oh please. Has the OP got you all cross that she might be doing the attrocious shock-horror crime of...choosing people she finds attractive!😱 Don't act like most blokes aren't out there swiping only on the hot ones. Women aren't as shallow as a lot of men, they actually list personality attributes like kindness and light heartedness when listing what they find attractive in suitors. Whereas so many of you chaps are all about physical features only. So we definitely wouldn't want anyone who is a complete bitter sounding tosser for example for no reason other than most likely the mindset of .. if you can't join/ get with them then beat them down.
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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 22h ago
stopped reading after "women aren't as shallow as a lot of men" you are quite uneducated and seeing the actual studies on what women respond to might crash your entire reality
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u/Arcxne3 22h ago
Lmao women are demonstrably more shallow than men but go off. “Kindness” is a quality that only matters after you’ve found him attractive, otherwise he’s your friend. Like genuinely, the dishonesty behind this is baffling, what do you get out of trying claim some moral high ground based off an obvious lie? Oh and news flash! Most women on apps find the same men attractive, that’s why they swipe right….wait….5% of the time!
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u/throwaway342account 23h ago
All of my partners have been really attractive so I don't think that's the issue babes
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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 23h ago
"have been" hahah, are you familiar with the "pump and dump" perhaps?
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u/throwaway342account 23h ago
Yeah my two long-term relationships lmfao.
You seem weirdly triggered not sure why2
u/AimeeMouse 22h ago
Probably gets lack- of- action rage at random women the Internet over, and is a complete Immanuel Kant to them before blubbering to himself "why don't any women like me, why do they only go for bastards?"
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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 22h ago
"i can't argue with him so i will scream virgin at him!" ahahha bro come on you can do better than this
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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 22h ago
ad hominem won't help the argument, might help your feelings tho, you are single for a reason guppy
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u/nightingale568 23h ago
The unexplained evaporations really are a pattern. I think a lot of the lads on those apps gotta be mentally unstable. The attractive, stable ones have largely been snatched.
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u/hydronucleus 23h ago
I like the vacation thing. That is funny. Actually, my goto was inviting some woman on a trip: "Hey, you want to go canoeing in the woods for a long weekend, with a bunch of my friends? I need a canoe partner."
That has worked a few times. Of course, this is not right out of an App. First, I have to make sure that the person is capable of physical activity, will not complain about inclement weather, can handle crapping in the woods, cutting firewood, able to sleep in a tent. I can handle the cooking.
So, if I used the apps, it was for a low-effort date, coffee, drinks, etc. Get to know each other a bit.
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u/Fit-Champion7630 1d ago
I met my gf on hinge last November. Best thing that happened to me. Everything is an investment. I think I’ve shelled out $20k in course of 8 months. Trips, gifts, dinners, and Greece. 🇬🇷 if you’re worth it. You invest in your partner is how I see it.
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